Translating American on Purpose
Tiffany Tempelaar
3472280
Van Zeggelenlaan 24
2524 AP Den Haag
Bachelorthesis: Vertaling en Vertaalreflectie 1
Supervisor and first reader: Onno Kosters
Second reader: Roselinde Supheert
November 2012
Contents
Introduction
3
Introducing Craig Ferguson
4
Introducing American on Purpose
5
Source text analysis
5
Translation analysis
6
Pragmatic level
6
Clarification
7
No translation at all
7
Calque
9
Socio-Cultural level
9
Linguistic Level
10
Polite form
10
Grammar
11
Source text specific problems
12
Concluding remarks
14
Works cited
15
Translation
17
Source Text
30
2
Introduction
I rarely read novels that make me cry, or contemplate. When I choose to read a book I want it to
entertain me. Many peers may not agree with me, but in my spare time -free from deadlines and
exams- a book simply has to make me laugh. The multitude of this complete and utter distraction is
provided to me by television and movies. I am what they call a film-buff and I love pop culture.
Another small portion I accumulate by reading books.
A few years ago I traded in Harper Lee and J.D. Salinger for Stephen Fry, Russell Brand and
Caitlin Moran, not only because it felt like less effort to get into the characters and storylines, but
also because these writers are true comedians. Even though I still cherish the beautiful and
wonderful literature I have read and I plan to return to the Brontë Sisters and the likes of them, in
this period of my life I simply want to laugh.
Being a film-buff, I educate myself with trivia found on the internet, read articles and
reviews, and watch interviews with actors and directors on Youtube, which is where I first discovered
Craig Ferguson. Craig Ferguson is a talk show host for the Late Late Show, where he interviews the
stars. His interviews are genuine and his guests are always at ease. But most importantly: he is quick
on his feet in a comedic way. From that moment on I looked up Craig Ferguson first for interviews
with actors I was interested in.
Not long afterwards I found out he had written two books; a novel and a biography. The
biography American on Purpose is the text I chose to translate for my Bachelor Thesis. When I read it,
I laughed throughout the 268 pages. As I will expand on later, American on Purpose tackles important
issues, yet Craig Ferguson handles them with humour. I knew that this would make an interesting
translation, for humour is difficult to get across in another language with the same magnitude.
Additionally, another aspect of this text drew me in, being an English student: Craig Ferguson
is born a Scotsman, however has become an American citizen, subsequently this text combines a
Scottish heritage and dialect with American culture. This presents another challenge when
3
translating: Can the significance of the tension between the two different cultures and dialects be
transferred into Dutch? I will attempt to do so.
In this Bachelor thesis, I would like to look at the four problems that translators may
encounter, as represented in Christian Nord’s Tekstanalyse en de moeilijkheidsgraad van een
vertaling. These problems lie on four levels: pragmatic level, socio-cultural level, linguistic level and
the source text specific problems. I will start off with introducing the writer, source text and the
source text analysis.
Introducing Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson was born in 1962 to Robert and Janet Ferguson in Glasgow, Scotland and has two
sisters and a brother. He dropped out of High School at 16 and started working as a technician in a
local factory. He got his first taste of the entertainment industry by drumming in various punk bands
in the early 80’s. His friend and frontman Peter Capaldi encouraged him to try comedy. Ferguson
toured Glasgow and Edinburgh with his alter-ego Bing Hitler in stand-up. In the few years afterwards
Ferguson plays small roles in theatre and television series, until he moves to Los Angeles in 1994. He
lands a recurring role on The Drew Carey Show for seven years (1996-2003) and it is considered to be
his breakthrough in the United States. During this time, he starts to write and star is his own movies
The Big Tease, Saving Grace and I’ll Be There. In 2005 he auditions for The Late Late Show to replace
Craig Kilborn and is hired. Being a Scotsman, this was a surprise to Ferguson as well as the American
viewers. To this date he continues to host the show, write, act and do stand-up. (WEB)
Ferguson wrote his first novel Between the Bridge and the River in March 2006 and it was
well received, with the New York Times comparing his writing to that of Kort Vonnegut, Mark Twain
and Herman Melville (WEB).
In his personal life Ferguson struggled with alcohol and drug addiction. He has been to
various rehabilitation centres and has been sober since 1992. He has been married three times and
divorced twice. He is currently married with two children.
4
In February 2008, Ferguson became a United States citizen. At this point he holds dual
citizenship in both the United States and Great-Britian.
Introducing American on Purpose
American on Purpose starts with Ferguson’s appearance at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner,
where he was invited as a guest speaker. The reader learns that he is a Scotsman from origin and has
been a naturalized American citizen for two months. He is honoured to speak at an event so
important in American culture and is officially well-informed about American politics. In the second
chapter we meet his family and learn about his childhood. From that moment on Ferguson starts
telling his life’s story. The subjects include his family, career, travels and his addictions. He focuses on
his love for America and slowly builds up to his decision to become a naturalized American citizen,
whilst maintaining his pride for his Scottish heritage.
Source Text Analysis
This book was written for an audience that was already familiar with Craig Ferguson and his work,
since it is a biography. This would entail an audience with knowledge of the American and/or
Scottish/British culture and language, popculture, film, television and the world of comedy and Late
Night shows. This would obviously involve an American and Scottish audience, since enough cultural
references are made. This leads to the first problem: how many of these cultures references will the
target audience understand? If this is aimed at an audience with understanding of the American and
British culture would you keep the references, because there is a significant chance that they will
understand it or would you naturalise these references, where you translate it into an equivalent in
the target language? (Grit 281)
My target audience would be my peers: English students with knowledge of English-speaking
countries and cultures. This might entail basic knowledge, but may not necessarily involve
information that would be acquired by living in the countries, for instance: a non-native speaker of
5
Dutch may know which companies may offer telephone and internet connections, but may not
understand the meaning of the catchphrase ‘Goeiemoggel’. So I opted to combine the two strategies,
by keeping the cultural elements in the source language, translate them with a Dutch equivalent or a
combination where I kept the elements in the source language but clarified them in brackets. With
this method I could also maintain the contrast between American popculture and Scottish heritage.
The second problem that presented itself was the humour and tone in the book that had to
be transferred in the target language with the same impact. Ferguson has woven his account of his
memories with little jokes and puns, which at times were crass and other times rather subtle. His
tone was a mixture of heartfelt statements and mockery. This is rather difficult to convey to a target
audience with the same feel it would have to the source audience.
Furthermore, Ferguson makes a great contrast between his persona as a vulgar Late Night
talkshow-host with a seedy past and the politicians, journalists and high-powered business people
and a great ball-room. Time and time again he reinforces that image in subtles ways.
Translation Analysis
In this analysis I will review my own translation in light of Christiane Nord’s descriptions of translation
problems (Nord 237) as found in Denken over Vertalen.
Pragmatic level
Problems on a pragmatic level are differences in the communicative situations in which the source
text and target text are embedded; this would contain differences in place and time, but also the
difference in foreknowledge of the source and target audience. In my translation I encountered
several pragmatic problems, which I have divided into three subsections.
6
Clarification
First off, some of the cultural references needed clarification for the target audience, since they may
not be completely familiar with them. In “We met Richard Wolfe, the clear-thinking MSNBC political
commentator and henchman of the mighty Olbermann (…)” I had to explain in more detail what the
MSNBC is, so in my translation I added “omroep”. Also, Olbermann may be mighty in Amerika, but is
not a person the target audience is acquainted with. Here, I added the first name, which may not
make any more sense, but it does not imply he is so mighty that the target audience should know
who is, like it does in the source text. By naming Keith Olbermann is becomes an actual person.
Another example of clarification is with translating “rickets”. Rickets is “rachtitis” in Dutch,
but, again, this is not a decease that the target audience would be familiar with, so I added the
clarification Engelse ziekte in brackets.
I also added a clarification in brackets when translating “Dutch courage”. This is a wellknown phrase in the English speaking word, but not in the target language. I wanted to keep the
phrase for the tone of the text, but I added “sterke drank” in brackets.
No translation at all
In keeping with the tone, I decided to not translate certain phrases or words, for two reasons
1. Since the source text itself is focused on two English-speaking countries and cultures, that element
had to be preserved in the target text. I felt that, to read this biography you would already had an
understanding of American and British culture.
2. Some of the power or meaning would have been lost in translation, which would not have
benefitted the tone of the text.
All these words and phrases were italicized in the target text, to emphasize them.
Some of these non-translations, as I like to call them, are cultural-specific elements, which
were already used in their original form in the target language. There is no translation for White
House Correspondents’Association Dinner, since it’s the official name of the event. This name is also
7
used in the Dutch press, when referring to it.
Another example is ‘approval rating’. I could not find an official translation, but when I
looked it up I found that it is used in its original form in the Dutch media as well.
Celebrities is an English word, but is increasingly used in Dutch media-coverage as well,
although sometimes shortened to celebs. Therefore, I kept it in my translation.
About “passion killers” and “shit list” decision was fairly easily made to keep it in the target
text. The meaning should be effortlessly understandable to my target audience and any translation of
it, would have weakened it.
I had considerable difficulties with the translation of “vaudevillian”. There was no immediate
translation for it. The target language entails Vaudeville, but does not have a separate word for the
executioner of Vaudeville, which meant I had to translate it with “iemand van de Vaudeville”, or
“iemand die aan Vaudeville doet”, which would obviously be translated in the eyes of the reader.
Therefore, I kept “vaudevillian”, assuming that the target audience would understand what it meant.
Another problem I encountered was how to translate “Jerries” for German soldiers and “GI’s”
for American soldiers. These are nickname’s that the British gave the soldiers. If I were to translate
them with Dutch equivalents—which, with the same connotations, were hard to find—it would not
have been in keeping with the British cultural elements. Why would de Scots call the Germans
“moffen”, when they wouldn’t know that word? I decided to keep them the original nicknames, but
did some research on the internet to see if I had to put in a clarification. Most of my peers already
knew what GI’s were, and some even knew who Jerries were. Furtermore, the context of the source
text makes it abundantly clear who these people were. I did chose to change the spelling of GI’s to
“G.I.’s”, in keeping with Dutch spelling rules.
8
Calque
Another solution to pragmatic problems, were the use of calques or loan translations (Chestermann
245), which are translations in the most literal sense possible.
Swing dancing is not that well-known to the target audience, but has a calque namely “swing
dance”. The reason it is not that familiar to the target audience is simply because it is not that
popular among teens and tweens and not because they are not acquainted with it in American
culture.
Another calque I used was with “lounge-entertainer” It was not surely clear to me what was
meant by it, at first, but I concluded that it referenced to Ferguson’s Late Night show. In Late Night
shows, the host and guests sit on sofa’s and lounge chairs and have rather superficial conversations
about upcoming projects they have been working on. In the most literal sense a lounge-entertainer
would be “sofa-entertainer”. As I stated in my source text analysis, the target audience would
already be familiar with Ferguson’s work and would understand the reference.
Socio-Cultural level
Socio-Cultural problems arise when two cultures differ in conventions and norms, for instance units
of measure or weight, which are culture-specific.
The first Socio-Cultural problem I encountered was with “Christmas Day”. Christmas Day is
the 25th of December. In the Netherlands there are actually two Christmas Days: the first and the
second. Therefor I had to translate it with ‘Eerste Kerstdag’, which is the 25th of December.
The second problem is the difference in notation of time between the source and target
language. The source language maintains a 12-hour notation with AM and PM as identifier, whereas
the target language uses a 24-hour notation. “3 AM” is therefor translated with “drie uur ‘s nachts”
with “’s nachts” as the idenitier.
The third problem concerns the metric system. “A few miles” had to be translated into
9
“enkele kilometers”. According to my source text analysis, the target audience would know that
there is a difference in the metric system, but would need a framework to understand the distance,
since the target audience would not be familiar with the use of the system itself. When turning miles
into kilometres, there is still the issue of rounding up or down for a round number. “6 foot 1” for
instance is actually 185.42 centimetres, but that looks rather odd, so I had to round it down to
“1m85”. Also, “eighty miles” is actually 128.74752 kilometers, but I translated it into “130 kilometer”.
Linguistic level
Linguistic level problems would contain the difference in linguistic systems between the source and
target language.
Polite form
First off, I would like to start with the polite form of address which does not exist in the English
language. “You” can be translated into “u” and “jij”, with “u” being the polite form. In the source
text, there are three instances of direct speech with “you”: The conversation between Megan and
Mrs. Cheney, the president addressing Ferguson and Ferguson addressing the president.
The first sentence where the problem of “you” occurs is ““Where do you hang them?” asked
Megan.” Megan and Mrs. Cheney have just met each other for the first time, so it would be selfevident that she would address Mrs. Cheney with the polite form. Also in the context, we can find
that they are not on a first name basis, so that would also indicate the polite form. Therefore, I
translated it with ““Waar heeft u ze hangen?” vroeg Megan.”
The part where the president addresses Ferguson is as follows: “Hi, Craig. How you doin’?”
The way this is said, already indicates certain informality. However, they’ve just met for the first
time, so the polite form would be in order. I avoided the problem altogether by translating it with
“Hoi, Craig. Hoe gaat het?”
The third sentence with “you” is: "Hello, sir, nice to meet you." I reckoned this was rather
10
clear-cut: when you address the president of the United States of America, you use the polite form,
so “Hallo, meneer, leuk u te ontmoeten.”
Grammar
Since there is at times a great difference in grammar between the source and target language I
encountered some problems on a linguistic level.
The first grammatical difficulty I encountered was with “the comfortably arsed Mrs. Bush”,
which is not a form that is transferable to the target language as such a form does not exist. I had to
translate it into “mevrouw Bush, met haar comfortabele beklede derrière”, to make it fit and keep
the same meaning.
When we review the sentence “with America in the war”, there is not incorrect about it, but
when I translated it with “met Amerika in de oorlog”, it did not quite fit; it seemed odd. Therefor I
added the word “participation”, so it would be something you would actually say in the target
language: “met Amerika’s participatie in de oorlog”
The same goes for “he told me that this was one of the more enjoyable events in his year”.
When I translated it initially with “hij vertelde me dat dit een van de meer vermakelijke
evenementen van zijn jaar was” it seemed off as well. When you say “in his year” in the target
language, it would have the connotation of the year at school year in, your classmates, but not the
year you’ve just had. Therefore I changed it to “hij vertelde me dat dit een van de meer vermakelijke
evenementen van het jaar was”.
Another form of grammar that was not easily transferable to the target language was
“unbelievably” in “he was, unbelievably, standing on his own in the corner”. If I translated it with
“ongelooflijk genoeg”, that would not be in flow with the rest of the text, so I had to turn the entire
sentence around into “het was ongelooflijk; hij stond alleen in de hoek en leek een beetje
ongemakkelijk”
I had great difficulty with translating the following sentence: “I first mocked the C-SPAN
network for their archaic single-camera coverage of the event” which I translated into “bespotte ik
11
eerst de C-SPAN omroep om hun achterhaalde verslaggeving van het evenement door het gebruik
van maar één camera”. I kept coming up with vague solutions, such as “een-cameraverslaggeving”.
The target audience would not identify it immediately and would easily be out of the flow of the text,
so I turned the sentence around.
At times, I had to change the punctuation of the source language, to make it fit the grammar
of the target language. “So much so, that more than once I checked to see if I was wearing pants,
something I often do, just in case” became “Zo zeer zelfs, dat ik meerdere keren checkte of ik nog wel
echt een broek aanhad; iets wat ik regelmatig doe voor het geval dat” to make it grammatically
correct.
Source text specific problems
Source text specific problems cause difficulties in transferring textual elements to the target
language, such as the tone of the text and the writer’s style.
My decision to start a translation with a sentence that is still in de source language is an
unusual choice. As I said, I wanted to keep some of the cultural references and fixed phrases in the
source language to keep the different dialects of English as we can find in the source text, as well. I
have played around with this rhyme, but could not find anything as strong and poignant as “I see
England, I see France, I see the first lady's underpants.” It points to the fact that the whole world is
watching the first lady, Laura Bush, who happens to wear a rather see-through dress. It fits so
perfectly, that everything I would have come up with would have been a loss.
As I have mentioned earlier, the tone of the text wan not easy to grasp in the translation. An
example of that is “buttock-clenchinly awkward”. This is a bit crass and very visual. I initially
translated this with “zo ongemakkelijk dat je billen samenknijpen”, but this would have been to
forced and so obviously a literal translation. It would have stood out to the target audience. Instead I
searched for something that was already a fixed phrase in the target language with the same
12
meaning, namely “het schaamrood op de kaken”. The target audience would easily feel themselves
fluster in a situation like this, which is hopefully somewhat of the same reaction.
Another problem I encountered was the translation of “great crack”. I opted to translate it
with “grote farce”, but that would imply a puppetshow, instead of the mismatch of Ferguson at the
Correspondent’s Dinner that the writer tries to convey to the audience. “Hilarisch idee” was also an
option I considered, but that would imply that the idea to be dinner speaker was all Ferguson’s,
whereas he was invited. Therefore, I chose to translate it with “grote grap”.
The literal translation I found for “muckety-muck” was “hotemetoot”. I felt that would have
been too pompous a word and I wanted to enhance the contrast. I did that by translating it with
“kouwe kak”. It fits the crass style of Ferguson and has the same connotation.
Another instance where I initially tried to make that contrast, to maintain the tone, was in
the following sentence:
“It certainly was an impressive and eclectic guest list, with Salman Rushdie, Condoleezza
Rice, and Christiane Amanpour sharing warm chicken cutlets with Pamela Anderson and the
Jonas Brothers as they sat around the big circular tables.” (p. 2-3)
The contrast is already present here, but I wanted to enhance it by having great intellects eating
‘kipkluifjes’. I felt that it would have been a comical image, but I realised that ‘kipkluifjes’ would
never be served at such an event, so I changed it to ‘kipfilets’.
Another way I wanted to enforce the tone was by making a play on words in translating “he'd
been hanging around the open bar too long”, implying that José Andrés was tipsy. I played around
with the conventional translation ‘vrije consumpties’ for open bar’ and decided to go with “iets té vrij
genuttigd”. I wanted to insert a pun, since at some points in the translation, Ferguson’s puns had
gotten lost.
At certain points in my translation I translated certain parts, not literal but in a way that was
better for the tone. For instance “short conversation with the president” became “babbeltje met de
president” and “they would do the whole blitzkrieg thing all over again” was turned into “dan zouden
13
ze dat hele blitzkrieg-gedoe meteen nog een keer dunnetjes overdoen”.
In my translation I was confused with what I should do with “We are, after all, the great
engineers”. It implies a common knowledge wherein Glaswegians are referred to as The Great
Engineers, but I could not find any confirmation or information about that. Therefore I simply
translated it with “we zijn tenslotte de grote ingenieurs”.
Concluding remarks
I had much difficulty with keeping the balance between not being too literal and still staying close to
the source text. Also, the tone of the text is sometimes hard to maintain in the target language,
hence the choice to translate quite literal at times. Moreover, some jokes were difficult to translate
with the same power and effect in the target language as in the source language. Every time I went
over my translation I changed parts, only to change them back later.
14
Works Cited
Chesterman, Andrew. “Vertaalstrategieën: een classificatie”. Denken over Vertalen. Nijmegen:
Vantilt, 2004. 243-262.
Craig Ferguson. Internet Movie Database. IMDb.com, Inc. n.d. Web. 27 Okt. 2012.
<http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0272401/>
Ferguson, Craig. American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot. New York:
HarperCollins Publishers, 2009.
Grit, Diederik. “De vertaling van realia”. Denken over Vertalen. Nijmegen: Vantilt, 2004. 279-286.
Interglot Translation Dictionary. Interglot.
<http://www.interglot.com/>
Naaikens, Ton, Cees Koster, Henry Bloemen, Caroline Meijer, eds. Denken over
Vertalen. Nijmegen: Vantilt, 2010.
Nord, Christiane. “Tekstanalyse en de moeilijkheidsgraad van een vertaling”. Denken over Vertalen.
Nijmegen: Vantilt, 2004. 235-242.
Steinberg, Jacques. “From Craig Ferguson, a Novel Born of Literary Rambles” New York Times. April 4,
2006. Web. 27 Okt. 2012.
<http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/04/arts/04ferg.html>
Synoniemen.net. In1woord.
<http://synoniemen.net/>
Synonyms. Stand4 LLC
<http://www.synonyms.net/>
15
Van Dale Online Woordenboeken. Van Dale.
<http://surfdiensten2.vandale.nl/vandale/zoekservice/?type=pro>
16
Translation
1.
Een plek aan tafel.
“I see England, I see France, I see the first lady's underpants.”1
“Hou je mond,” siste Megan me toe. “Ik wou dat ik er nooit over begonnen was.” Ze
giechelde zo hard dat de wijn uit haar neus sprietste, maar hoe dan ook: het klopte wel. Laura
Bush, de sympathieke, Texaanse vrouw van George, de drieënveertigste en onbetwist minst
populaire president in de geschiedenis van de Verenigde Staten, was zojuist binnengekomen,
met haar innemende echtgenoot aan haar zijde. Ze begroetten hoffelijk de stroopsmerende
kontkussers uit Washington, die om hen heen krioelden, door middel van glimlachjes,
handdrukken en zoenen op de wang. Mevrouw Bush droeg een elegante zijden japon, maar
als het licht vanachter op haar viel, kon je inderdaad haar ondergoed zien. Een grote,
comfortabele onderbroek, in intellectuele kringen ook wel bekend als passion killers2,
schijnbaar met een bloemetjespatroon bedrukt. Ideaal voor een lange avond glimlachen,
knikken en leuk meedoen, op het jaarlijkse pers-, showbizz- en politieke theekransje, dat het
White House Correspondents’Association Dinner3 is.
Ik was daar in de hoedanigheid van banale sofa-entertainer4. Megan, mijn date, was
erbij omdat ze van me houdt en dat nu nogmaals bewees. Ik was gevraagd als gastspreker
door de voorzitter van het amusementsprogramma. Ik was niet hun eerste keus, maar nadat
1
I chose to leave in the English limerick, for lack of an evenly appropriate and stong comical rhyme in Dutch.
‘Passion killers’ was maintained in de translation, since its meaning is understandable to the target audience
and a Dutch equivalent would not have been as amusing.
3
The same goes for White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner which is the official name for the event
and is also used in de Dutch press, when referring to the event.
4
I had many doubts about how to translate ‘vulgar lounge entertainer’ but I felt it was the best option to stay
close to the source text.
2
17
Steve Carell en Ellen Degeneres de uitnodiging hadden afgeslagen, leek ik, denk ik, al een
stukje aantrekkelijker. Ik mocht dan een C-sterretje zijn, maar ik was beschikbaar,
bereidwillig en goedkoop.
Ik begrijp waarom Ellen en Steve nee hadden gezegd, want dit is zonder twijfel een
van de meest intimiderende en moeilijke opdrachten die een comedian kan krijgen. En er
waren nog andere redenen waarom eigenlijk ook ikzelf de uitnodiging beleefd had moeten
afslaan. Allereerst was er het recente verleden van deze avond. Twee jaar eerder had Stephen
Colbert daar opgetreden en het ligt eraan aan wie je het vraagt, maar hij was hier er óf de
ergste dood door een komiek in de geschiedenis van komedie en dood gestorven, óf had hij
het meest onverschrokken staaltje politieke satire afgeleverd dat het land ooit eerder had
gezien5.
In een poging om een herhaling van dergelijke controverse te voorkomen, had de
WHCA een jaar later de antediluviaal, Canadese imitator Rich Little ingehuurd, als spreker
voor na het diner. De laatste keer dat hij roem had vergaard, was in de jaren ’70 geweest, met
zijn imitatie van Richard Nixon. Little was totaal geflopt (geen discussie mogelijk) en
bezorgde het publiek het schaamrood op de kaken6; zijn materiaal was te achterhaald en te
mild voor het bloeddorstige publiek.
Ook ík had moeten weigeren, omdat dit de opa aller bedrijfsfeestjes is; een groots
diner in een balzaal waar iedereen elkaar stiekem haat, en tegenspoed toewenst. Dit is niet een
atmosfeer waarbij komedie normaal gesproken groeit en bloeit. Aan de andere kant, na
vijftien jaar in Hollywood te hebben gewoond, ben ik eraan gewend.
Ik had moeten weigeren, omdat het geluidssysteem in het hotel zo belabberd was dat
het onmogelijk was voor de eerste twee rijen om me te kunnen verstaan, Schots accent of niet.
5
This sentence was difficult to translate in keeping the same flow as the source text. Therefor, the word order
is changed a little.
6
In the source text Ferguson uses an image very poignant for his writing style, which is difficult to translate in
Dutch without making it seem to forced, such as ‘kijken met samengeknepen billen’. I had to stay clear of such
solutions and find a fixed sentence with the same meaning.
18
Maar ik weigerde niet. Ik weigerde niet, want als ik kan kiezen tussen veiligheid en
avontuur, kies ik voor avontuur. Daarnaast dacht ik dat het een grote grap7 zou zijn om deze
kouwe kak8 te mogen ontmoeten, en eerlijk gezegd, als kersverse Amerikaan, vond ik dat het
niet echt vaderlandslievend zou zijn om een kans af te slaan mezelf voor lul te zetten ten
overstaan van de president, die het zelf, ten slotte, geen probleem vond hetzelfde te doen ten
overstaan van de complete wereld.
Het was ongetwijfeld een indrukwekkende en gevarieerde gastenlijst, met Salman
Rushdie, Condoleezza Rice en Christiane Amanpour, die de warme kipfilets9 deelden met
Pamela Anderson en de Jonas Brothers, zittend aan de grote, ronde tafels. Het was zo’n
onwaarschijnlijke schare mensen dat het wel een droom leek. Zo zeer zelfs, dat ik meerdere
keren checkte of ik nog wel echt een broek aanhad; iets wat ik regelmatig doe voor het geval
dat10. Met mijn verleden weet je het maar nooit.
Voor de maaltijd vond er backstage een kleine receptie plaats voor de mensen die plaats
zouden nemen op het podium, en hun partners, alhoewel de enige eega’s aan de hoofdtafel,
mevrouw Bush, met haar comfortabele beklede derrière11, en mevrouw Cheney, vrouw van
Dirty Dick, waren.
Het was de gelegenheid voor iedereen om elkaar te ontmoeten en een praatje te maken,
voor we met z’n allen het podium op moesten om op een rijtje te gaan zitten, zoals in dat
schilderij van het laatste avondmaal.
7
In the source text we can find ‘great crack’. Initially it was translated with ‘grote farce’, which actually has a
connotation of a puppetshow. I considered ‘hilarisch idee’, but it was not Fergusons idea, since he was invited.
Therefor, I chose ‘grote grap’.
8
The most literal translation for muckety-muck would be ‘hotemetoot’, but I felt that would be too weak.
9
In order to emphasize the contrast between the high-up politicians and honored guests and Ferguson’s vulgar
persona I initially wanted to translate ‘chicken cutlets’ with ‘kipkluiven’, for the visual of Condoleezza Rice
eating a spicy chicken leg, but I realises that that would never be served at that dinner, so I chose ‘kipfilets’
instead.
10
I had to change the interpunction in this sentence to make it grammatically correct in Dutch.
11
There is no literal translation available for ‘comfortably arsed’ since the form is not transferable to Dutch.
Therefore I had to add ‘bekleed’.
19
Anne Compton, de voorzitter van het WHCA-comité, nam het voortouw en zwierde
Megan en mij door de kamer om ons voor te stellen aan de andere hooggeëerde gasten. We
ontmoetten de petieterige, pittige persattaché van het Witte Huis, Dana Perino, die me
toevertrouwde dat ze getrouwd was met een Schot en ik zei haar dat dat verklaarde waarom ze
gek was. Ze lachtte. Volgens mij dacht ze dat ik een grapje maakte.
We ontmoetten Richard Wolfe, de scherpzinnige politiekverslaggever van de omroep12
MSNBC en handlanger van de machtige Keith Olbermann13, die me in een kort praatje
verzekerde dat Barack Obama de volgende president van de Verenigde Staten zou worden.
Dit verbijstert me nog steeds, want destijds was Obama door de Democraten nog niet eens
genomineerd.
We ontmoetten José Andrés, de befaamde chef-kok, die, zo leek mij, iets té vrij
consumpties14 genuttigd had en in een zwaar Spaans accent door bleef hameren over de
wondere wereld der tapas. We ontmoetten nog een paar andere verslaggevers en Witte Huistypes, wier namen mij ontglipt zijn en toen werden we plotseling aan meneer en mevrouw
Cheney voorgesteld. Ik voelde me een beetje ongemakkelijk; ik word altijd een tikkeltje
verlegen in gezelschap van boosaardige mensen, dus Megan nam de leiding. Ze heeft een
gave voor het omgaan met lastige mannen en is een groot kenner van de schone kunsten,
aangezien ze in New York een tijdje als kunsthandelaar heeft gewerkt. Zij en mevrouw C
knoopten een gesprek aan over Picasso; de Cheney’s bleken namelijk de trotse eigenaren van
een aantal van zijn tekeningen.
“Waar heeft u15 ze hangen?” vroeg Megan.
“O, we hebben ze niet hangen,” antwoorde mevrouw C. “Het zijn naakten en we
hebben kleinkinderen. We willen niet dat ze zien als ze langskomen.”
12
I added ‘omroep’, since the target audience may not be familiar with MSNBC.
I added the first name, since the target audience may not be familiar with Olbermann.
14
This is a play on words: open bar is translated with ‘vrije consumptie’ and because Andrés has been taken
advantage of the open bar I translated it as ‘te vrij geconsumeerd’.
15
‘You’ is translated with ‘u’, since the Cheney’s and the Ferguson’s are not on a first name basis.
13
20
“Maar het zijn Picasso’s,” sputterde Megan.
“Maar het zijn naakten,” lachte mevrouw Cheney vervaarlijk.
Ik legde een hand op Megan’s elleboog. Ik wilde geen problemen. Je wilt niet op de shit list16
van de Cheney’s komen te staan.
Dick zelf was verbazingwekkend innemend en had een zorgeloze schaterlach, maar ik
kreeg wel zeer sterk het gevoel dat ik in de aanwezigheid was van een Bond-schurk. Het enige
wat hij nodig had, was een poes om te aaien, maar niet in het bijzijn van de kleinkinderen
natuurlijk.
We hadden al een tijdje een praatje staan maken toen de Cheney’s overgingen naar de
volgende handjesschudders. Toen ze wegwaren, vertelde ik Megan dat Dick Cheney naar haar
borsten had staan loeren.
“Neuh,” zei ze. “Ik dacht het ook heel even, maar toen realiseerde ik dat hij gewoon
mijn diamanten aan het evalueren was.”
De jongens van de Geheime Dienst begonnen de kamer leeg te ruimen. Megan wenste
me succes met de speech en kuste me gedag. Ik stond alleen aan de bar toen ik de president
van de Verenigde Staten voor het eerst zag. Het was ongelooflijk17; hij stond alleen in de hoek
en leek een beetje ongemakkelijk. Hij zag mij op hetzelfde moment en herkende me. Hij
schonk me die grote, maffe glimlach van ‘m en liep naar me toe; een moment in mijn leven zo
surrealistisch, dat het alleen geëvenaard wordt door de keer dat ik achtervolgd werd door –wat
ik dacht- moordlustige eenden, tijdens een slechte lsd-trip.
“Hoi, Craig. Hoe gaat het?” zei de leider van de vrije wereld, terwijl hij vriendelijk
zijn hand uitstak.
In de maanden voorafgaand aan het evenement had ik gefantaseerd over wat ik zou
16
The other option would have been to translate it with ‘zwarte lijst’, but that would lose its power, so I did not
translate it and put it in italics. I believe the target audience will understand the meaning.
17
I had to the change the structure of the sentence to fit the target language.
21
zeggen tegen de president als ik daadwerkelijk een een-op-eengesprek18 zou hebben met hem.
Zou ik hem verantwoording laten afleggen voor alles wat hij gedaan heeft waar ik het totaal
mee oneens ben, hem berispen voor zijn buitenlands beleid, zijn strategie in het MiddenOosten, het aan de laars lappen van het Kyoto Protocol en de Geneefse conventies? Zou ik
hem sterk aandringen zijn gedachten te veranderen over onderwijs en economie en de War on
Drugs en hem dan herinneren aan de grondwettelijke noodzaak om kerk en staat te scheiden?
Uiteindelijk besloot ik dat het een ietsepietsie-beetje arrogant zou zijn om de president van de
Verenigde Staten de les te lezen over de grondwet van zijn eigen land. Per slot van rekening is
hij al genoeg19 belaagd door een paar heel knappe politici en journalisten, van wie velen veel
slimmer en beter geïnformeerd zijn dan een ongemakkelijke vaudevillian20 in een
slechtzittende smoking.
Desondanks kon ik de kans niet weerstaan mijn ongenoegen te uiten, en, terwijl ik alle
waarschuwingen in de wind sloeg, belaagde ik hem met een venijnige…
“Hallo, meneer, leuk u21 te ontmoeten.”
Ik bedoel, wat moet je in godsnaam anders zeggen tegen de president van Verenigde
Staten van Amerika als je pas twee maanden staatsburger bent? Zelfs als je het niet eens bent
met de man en zijn beleid; hij is verdomme nog steeds de president. Hij ontwapende en
verraste me, want hij was niet wat ik had verwacht. Ik had veel te veel MSNBC gezien en me
al voorbereid op het ontmoeten van een kwijlende imbeciel.
Meneer Bush was toegankelijk, vriendelijk en verfrissend eerlijk over wat hij vond
van het meerendeel van het kontkussen dat gedaan werd, de afgelopen twintig minuten. Hij
18
If I had translated ‘private conversation’ with ‘privé-gesprek’ the connation would be just the two of them in
something like an office. ‘Een-op-een’ fits better.
19
If I translated ‘it wasn’t as if he hadn’t already been assailed’ with ‘het was niet alsof hij niet al genoeg was
belaagd’ de double negative would make the sentence dishevelled.
20
There is no Dutch word for a person who does Vaudeville, so I kept ‘vaudevillian’ and put it in italics, sincs the
target audience would be familiar with Vaudeville.
21
‘You’ is translated with ‘u’, because you should address the president with ‘u’.
22
vertelde me dat dit een van de meer vermakelijke evenementen van het jaar was22, omdat het
zo informeel is en hij er grappig mocht zijn. Hij wilde graag weten hoe mijn speech ongeveer
zou gaan; ik denk dat hij een beetje nerveus was over wat ik zou zeggen, want hij moet daar
maar zitten en grijnzen en het hoe dan ook pikken, met geen waarschuwing vooraf: het Witte
Huis had geen transcript gekregen van mijn opmerkingen, want dit is Amerika, en vrijheid
van meningsuiting, en dat allemaal.
Ik vertelde hem dat ik van plan was om de pers net zo belachelijk te maken als de
politici en hij leek opgelucht.
Hij was ten slotte al de ten-dode-opgeschreven president die werd gezien als een
electoraal blok aan het been door zijn eigen partij en wiens approval rating23 lager was dan
velen voor mogelijk hielden. Hem te hard aanpakken zou zoiets zijn als meedoen met een
gevecht dat al voorbij is en vervolgens de overwinning opeisen.
Ik besloot om het hele gedoe aan te pakken als het beroemde incident van de Eerste
Wereldoorlog toen, op Eerste Kerstdag24 1917, Duitse en Britse troepen de dag vrij namen
van het moorden van elkaar om een potje te voetballen in het Niemandsland. Ik had met
voormalige WHCA-dinersprekers Jay Leno en Drew Carey gesproken over wat zij zouden
hebben gedaan, als zij daar hadden gestaan en ze gaven me vergelijkbaar advies. Lees het
publiek, wees niet te bleu, maar wees niet te mak, zorg ervoor dat je iedereen in ieder geval
een keer een pak op z’n donder geeft en onthoud dat het eigenlijk helemaal niet om jou gaat;
je bent maar de hulp.
Dus dat is wat ik deed. Toen ik aan de beurt was om te spreken, bespotte ik eerst de CSPAN omroep om hun achterhaalde verslaggeving van het evenement door het gebruik van
22
Translating ‘in his year’ with ‘van zijn jaar’ seemed curious, so it is translated with ‘van het jaar’.
‘Approval rating’ is also used in the Dutch media, so I kept it and put it in italics.
24
Christmas Day is the 25th of December. In de target language that day is called Eerste Kerstdag.
23
23
maar één camera25, plaagde toen de president en zijn knechtjes en de verzameling journalisten
op een manier, waarvan ik hoopte dat ze het amuserend zouden vinden, in plaats van botweg
beledigend, ook al noemde ik de New York Times inderdaad “huichelachtige, jengelende
zakken”, aanzien ze weigerden aanwezig te zijn, omdat ze vonden dat het afbreuk zou doen
aan de journalistiek om te knus te zijn met de regering.
Ik sprak even over m’n redenen om Amerikaan te worden, en kreeg het voor elkaar om
niet te vloeken, en toen ik klaar was gaven ze me een staande ovatie, dus ik kan alleen maar
concluderen dat mijn strategie geslaagd was.
Ik denk niet dat ik per se schitterde die avond; ik denk dat het publiek gewoon, net als
ik, opgelucht was dat het hele gedoe achter de rug was en niets al te gênants gebeurde.
Het was een wervelwind daarna. Feestjes en celebrities26 en ruggenklopjes en
geroezemoes. Het voelde alsof een aambeeld van mijn hoofd verwijderd was.
Megan en ik kwamen aan op onze kamer om ongeveer drie uur ’s nachts27 en moesten
om zes uur opstaan om onze vlucht terug naar L.A. te halen.
Dat ik een staatsburger werd van dit land in januari en op een diner was met de president in
maart geeft, denk ik, op kleine wijze, aan dat we nog steeds het land zijn dat we hopen te zijn.
Ik wilde al heel lang een Amerikaanse staatsburger zijn; ik voelde al dat ik Amerikaan was
sinds mijn dertiende en ik hier voor het eerst kwam. Het leven stond in de weg, of om precies
te zijn; ik stond mezelf in de weg. Ik zat op een zijspoor en werd onderschept door mijn eigen
demonen, maar Amerika is het land van de tweede, derde en 106de kans.
Terwijl ik wat dommelde in het pruttelende, rammelende vliegtuig terug naar huis, dacht ik
25
‘Single-camera coverage’ did not translate well into ‘een-cameraverslaggeving’, because it seemed too
vague, so the sentence was turned around.
26
‘Celebrities’ is increasingly being used in Dutch media and a word the target audience would know. There for
I put in italics.
27
The target language does not make use of AM and PM.
24
terug aan mijn babbeltje28 met de president.
We hadden staan praten over Scotland; hij verbleef er een tijdje toen hij jonger was en
uitte een soort verbluft ontzag voor de hoeveelheid dat gedronken werd en hintte dat hij mee
had gedaan en nog flink ook. We spraken een beetje over de gevaren van drank. Ik was al
zeventien jaar nuchter en, volgens geruchten, hijzelf nog iets langer dan dat.
“Het is een lange weg van waar ik was naar hier staan, pratend met de president,” zei
ik hem.
“Het is een lange weg van waar ik had kunnen eindigen naar het zijn van de
president,” antwoordde hij.
“Alleen in Amerika,” grinnikte hij.
We klinkten onze glazen met bruisend water.
“Verdomd juist, Mr. President,” zei ik.
En ik geloof het.
28
I felt ‘babbeltje’ fit better than ‘kort gesprekje’
25
2
Frank Sinatra en Elizabeth Taylor
Waarschijnlijk begon het toen de Duitsers mijn ouders probeerden te vermoorden. Elke nacht
als het weer gunstig was, vlogen de Duitsers over in hun Heinkels en Messerschmitts en
losten zij hun bommen boven Glasgow, de stad waar mijn ouders waren opgegroeid, enkele
kilometers29 van elkaar vandaan. Mijn vader was toen pas tien jaar oud en mijn moeder was
zeven, maar dat maakte de Jerries30 niks uit, ze moesten Glasgow met de grond gelijk maken
omdat het de militaire werkplaats was van het Britse Rijk. Alle slagschepen en mijnenvegers
en fregatten die gebruikt zouden worden om een einde te maken aan de fascistische waanzin
werden gebouwd in de enorme, vieze scheepswerven die een of andere idioot precies naast
mijn familie had geplaatst. Dus elke mogelijke nacht deden de Duitsers een poging tot een
brute moord op iedereen die in de weg kwam. Mijn ouders hebben hun nooit vergeven voor
de nachtelijke aanvallen die meer dan een paar van hun klasgenootjes hebben gedood. Voor
mijn moeder en vader zijn het altijd ‘Duitsers’ gebleven en nooit ‘Nazi’s’. Dat klonk te
onpersoonlijk en inhumaan en ik veronderstel dat dat ook wel klopt; bovendien, door de
vijand Duitsers te noemen, stelde dat mijn ouders in staat om zich vast te houden aan die
afgunst, en als je ook maar iets weet over Schotten dan weet je dat het koesteren van wrok iets
is dat we buitengewoon goed kunnen.
Naoorlogse Duitsers hebben zich terecht gedistantieerd van hun beschamende
Naziverleden, maar mijn ouders trapten daar niet in. Zij vonden dat die smeerpijpen de
mooiste tijd van hun leven hadden gehad en als ze dachten dat ze ermee weg konden komen,
dan zouden ze dat hele blitzkrieg-gedoe meteen nog een keer dunnetjes31 overdoen. Misschien
hebben mijn ouders gelijk. Tot deze dag aan toe als ik met een Duitse man praat, kan ik het,
29
Difference in metric system between the target and source language
‘Jerries’ is the British nickname for German soldiers, so it could not be translated with a Dutch equivalent.
31
I inserted ‘dunnetjes’ solely for the tone of the text.
30
26
tenminste heel even, niet helpen hem voor te stellen in een SS-uniform, en ik zag het
levenslicht pas bijna twintig jaar nadat de oorlog was geëindigd. De enige keer dat ik ooit een
SS-uniform zag, was in de films. Mijn ouders zagen ook nog nooit een SS-uniform van
dichtbij. In plaats daarvan zagen zij VS-legeruniformen.
Toen de Amerikaanse G.I.’s32 verschenen in Glasgow, onderweg naar Europa, moeten
ze hebben geleken op goden met hun witte tanden en het gebrek aan de rachitis (Engelse
ziekte)33 alleen al.
Ze brachten ook dingen34 mee die vergeten waren sinds het begin van de oorlog.
Panty’s, fruit, plezier en hoop. Met Amerika’s participatie35 in de oorlog, begon mijn ouders
generatie zich te realiseren dat het uiteindelijk zou eindigen en het leven verder zou gaan.
Misschien zou het zelfs beter worden, want de GI’s brachten nog iets anders mee. Iets dat
moest bestaan voordat ik dat kon: swing dancing36.
De Schotten houden van dansen. Alleen bepaalde typen dansen, dan. Het soort dat een
vastgesteld reglement en set instructies bijgeleverd krijgt. We zijn tenslotte de grote
ingenieurs. Georganiseerd stampen en klappen en gestructureerde draaien en sprongen is wat
de Schotten willen–God verhoede alles wat sexy of vrije expressie is; geen vloeiende en
sensuele bewegingen, asjeblieft. Geen samengeperste billen tegen kruisen aandrukken op een
salsa-beat, want dat is precies het soort spul dat leidt tot het praten over je gevoelens met
anderen.
De G.I.’s veranderden dat allemaal. Lang nadat die kleine kut-Oostenrijker37 opgebrand was
in zijn bunker en de bevrijders terug waren gekeerd naar hun fabelachtige land van cowboys
32
In deciding I wanted to keep ‘Jerries’ I subsequently also had to keep GI’s, but in the Dutch spelling G.I.’s.
The translation for rickets is indeed ‘rachitis’, but to clarify it I put ‘Engelse ziekte’ in brackets
34
‘Items’ could have been translated with a less abstract word than ‘dingen’, but ‘artikelen’ or ‘producten’could
not be easily applied to the abstract concepts of laughter or hope.
35
I inserted ‘participatie’ for the flow of the sentence.
36
In Dutch, there is a calque for ‘swing dancing’, which is ‘swing dance’
37
‘Austrian fucker’ could not be literally translated satisfactory, so I changed it around by using as curseword as
adjective and Hitler’s nationality as the noun.
33
27
en Coca-Cola, bleef swing dance en bigband-muziek achter. Het kwam bekend te staan onder
de simpele en gezamenlijke noemer “the dancing” of, in plat Glasgow-dialect, radancin.
Zelfs nu nog, elke vrijdag- en zaterdagavond zitten de pubs in Glasgow afgeladen met
jonge mensen die zoveel mogelijk Dutch courage (sterke drank)38 naar achter klokken
voordat ze erop uit gaan voor radancin om te proberen mogelijke vrijers of toekomstige
echtgenoten te vinden. Net als duizenden anderen in Glasgow39 ontmoetten ook mijn ouders
elkaar zo.
Mijn vader, Bob, was broodmager toen hij jong was, maar hij was lang en knap, en
met 1m8540 een reus voor een Schot van zijn generatie. Diamant-blauwe ogen, witblond haar
dat zilver werd tegen zijn dertigste levensjaar41, een krachtige neus, fantastische tanden,
alhoewel; de tanden waren een beetje bedrog, want hij had een gebitsprothese. Bob vertelde
me dat hij zijn eigen tanden verloren had toen hij van zijn Enfield motor was geworpen bij
Anderston Cross met een snelheid van 130 kilometer42 per uur, maar dat lijkt
onwaarschijnlijk, want:
(A) Niemand krijgt een snelheid van43 130 kilometer per uur uit een 1945 Enfield
leveringsmotor. En:
(B) De verwondingen die mijn vader zou oplopen van zo’n hoge-snelheidsongeluk
zouden zeer zeker ernstiger zijn dan alleen tandheelkundig.
Misschien reed hij zo hard dat zijn arme, oude bijters, zwak door het niet flossen en
gebrek aan fluoride, uit zijn mond waren gezogen door de relatieve snelheid.
Desalniettemin is het Grote Tandenincident een familielegende geworden en dat is
38
I wanted to keep this fixed phrase but I put a clarification in brackets
There is no direct translation voor Glaswegians, so I had to describe it as ‘anderen in Glasgow’
40
Difference in metric system
41
There is no Dutch equivalent for is his thirties, that felt natural instead of clearly translated
42
Difference in metric system
43
I inserted ‘een snelheid van’ for the flow of the sentence in de target language
39
28
voor mij goed genoeg, maar het is een aannemelijker verhaal dat mijn vader zijn tanden
verloor op jonge leeftijd door de slechte voeding van zijn werkelijk dickensiaanse jeugd.
29
Source Text
(1-10)
1
A Seat at the Table
I see England, I see France, I see the first lady's underpants."
"Shut up," hissed Megan. "I wish I had never pointed it out." She was giggling so hard
her wine squirted out of her nose, and anyway it was true. Laura Bush, the congenial Texan
wife of George, the forty-third and arguably least popular president in the history of the
United States of America, had just entered the room, her affable spouse by her side. They
were graciously acknowledging the fawning Washington toadies who milled around them,
smiling and shaking hands and kissing cheeks. Mrs. Bush was wearing an elegant silky frock,
but when she stood with the light behind her you could see her undies. Big, comfortable
knickers, what are known in enlightened circles as passion killers, in what looked like a floral
pattern. Ideal for a long night of smiling and nodding and being a good sport at the annual
press, showbiz, and politics bunfight that is the White House Correspondents' Association
Dinner.
I was there in my capacity as vulgar lounge entertainer. Megan, my date, was there
because she loves me and was proving it again. I had been asked to be the guest speaker by
the chair of the entertainment committee. I wasn't their first choice, but after Steve Carell and
Ellen DeGeneres turned the gig down I think I became a little more appealing. I might be a Clister, but I was obtainable, willing, and cheap.
I understand why Ellen and Steve said no, since this is, without doubt, one of the most
intimidating and difficult jobs available to a comedian. And there were other reasons why I
too should have politely declined. First of all there was the event's recent history. Two years
before, Stephen Colbert had performed there and, depending on who you talk to, had either
30
died the worst death ever seen by a comic in the history of comedy and death, or had
delivered the most fearless piece of political satire this country has ever seen.
The year after, in an attempt to avoid any repetition of the controversy the WHCA had
hired the antediluvian Canadian impressionist Rich Little, who most recently achieved fame
in the 1970s with his Richard Nixon impersonation, to be the after-dinner speaker. Little had
definitely bombed (no debate needed) in a buttock-clenchingly awkward manner; his material
was too archaic and meek for the bloodthirsty crowd.
I also should have said no because it's the granddaddy of all corporate events, a large
dinner in a hotel ballroom where everyone who is there secretly hates and wishes misfortune
on everyone else. This is not an atmosphere in which comedy usually flourishes, although
having lived in Hollywood for fifteen years, I'm used to it.
I should have said no because the sound system in the hotel was so awful it was
impossible for anyone in the first two rows of tables to understand what was being said,
Scottish accent or not.
But I didn't say no. I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose
adventure. Plus, I thought it would be great crack, getting to meet all these muckety-mucks,
and, truthfully, as a new American I felt it would somehow be unpatriotic to refuse a chance
to make a fool of myself in front of the president, who, after all, had no problem doing exactly
that in front of the entire world.
It certainly was an impressive and eclectic guest list, with Salman Rushdie,
Condoleezza Rice, and Christiane Amanpour sharing warm chicken cutlets with Pamela
Anderson and the Jonas Brothers as they sat around the big circular tables. It was such an
unlikely collection of people that it actually felt like a dream. So much so, that more than once
I checked to see if I was wearing pants, something I often do, just in case. With a past like
mine it's never a bad idea.
31
Before the meal there had been a little reception backstage for the people who would
be seated on the dais, and their partners, although the only spouses at the head table would be
the comfortably arsed Mrs. Bush and Mrs. Cheney, wife to Dirty Dick.
It was a chance for everyone to meet and have a chat before we would go out on the
stage and sit in a line like that last supper painting.
Anne Compton, the WHCA committee chairman, took charge and whisked Megan and
me around the room, introducing us to the other honored guests. We met the diminutive and
sassy White House press secretary, Dana Perino, who revealed to me that she was married to
a Scotsman and I said that would explain why she was crazy. She laughed. I think she thought
I was kidding.
We met Richard Wolfe, the clear-thinking MSNBC political commentator and
henchman of the mighty Olbermann, who in a brief conversation assured me that Barack
Obama would be the next president of the United States. This still amazes me, because at that
point Obama didn't even have the Democratic nomination.
We met Jose Andres, the celebrity chef, who seemed to me as if he'd been hanging
around the open bar too long and was banging on in a thick Spanish accent about the
wonderful world of tapas. We met a few more broadcasters and White House types whose
names now escape me, and then all of a sudden we were standing in front of Mr. and Mrs.
Cheney and being introduced. I felt a little awkward; I'm always a bit shy around evil people,
so Megan took the lead. She has a knack for dealing with difficult men and is very
knowledgeable about fine art, having worked for a time as an art dealer in New York. She and
Mrs. C struck up a conversation about Picasso--the Cheneys were the proud owners of a few
of his sketches.
"Where do you hang them?" asked Megan.
32
"Oh, we don't," replied Mrs. C. "They're nudes, and we have grandchildren. We don't
want them to see them when they come over."
"But they're Picassos," protested Megan.
"But they're nudes," smiled Mrs. Cheney dangerously.
I put a hand on Megan's elbow. I didn't want trouble. You don't want to be on the
Cheney shit list.
Dick himself was surprisingly affable and had a croaky easy laugh, but I did get the
very strong impression that I was in the presence of a Bond villain. All he needed was a pussy
to stroke, although not in front of the grandchildren of course.
We made small talk for a while before the Cheneys moved on to the next gladhanders. Once they were gone, I told Megan that Dick Cheney had been ogling her breasts.
"Nah," she said. "I thought that for a second, then I realized he was just appraising my
diamonds."
The Secret Service guys started to clear the room. Megan wished me luck with the
speech and kissed me goodbye. I stood alone at the bar, and that's when I first saw the
president of the United States. He was, unbelievably, standing on his own in the corner,
looking a little awkward. He saw me at the same time and recognized me. He smiled that big
goofy smile of his and walked over, a moment in my life so surreal that it's matched only by
the time I was pursued by what I imagined to be killer ducks during a bad acid trip.
"Hi, Craig. How you doin'?" said the leader of the free world, offering a friendly hand.
For months before the event I had fantasized about what I would say to the president if
I did have a private conversation with him. Would I take him to task for everything he had
done that I so profoundly disagreed with, berate him for his foreign policy, his strategy in the
Middle East, his disregard of the Kyoto Protocol and the Geneva Conventions? Would I
forcefully harangue him to change his mind on education and the economy and the war on
33
drugs and then remind him of the constitutional imperative to separate church and state? In
the end I concluded that it would be a teensy bit arrogant to lecture the president of the United
States on the constitution of his own country. And after all, it wasn't as if he hadn't already
been assailed by some very clever politicians and journalists, many of whom were much
smarter and more informed than an uncomfortable vaudevillian in an ill-fitting tuxedo.
However, I was unable to resist the opportunity to voice my dissent, and, throwing caution to
the wind, I charged him with a biting...
"Hello, sir, nice to meet you."
I mean, what the hell else do you say to the president of the United States of America
when you've only been a citizen of the nation for two months? Even if you don't agree with
the man and his policies, he's still the fucking president.
He disarmed and surprised me because he wasn't what I expected. I'd watched way too
much MSNBC and was prepared to meet a drooling moron.
Mr. Bush was open, friendly, and refreshingly candid about what he thought of most
of the ass-kissing that had been going on for the last twenty minutes. He told me that this was
one of the more enjoyable events in his year because it was so informal and he got to be
funny. He was interested to know what my speech was going to be like; I think he was
slightly nervous about what I would say because he had to sit there and grin and take it no
matter what, with no advance warning--the White House didn't get a transcript of my remarks,
because this is America, and free speech, and all that.
I told him I planned on ribbing the press as much as the politicos, and he seemed
relieved.
After all, he was already a lame-duck president seen as an election liability by his own
party and whose approval rating was lower than many thought possible. Attacking him too
hard would be like joining a fight after it was over and claiming victory.
34
I decided to treat the whole thing like the famous incident from World War I when, on
Christmas Day of 1917, German and British troops took the day off from killing each other
and played soccer in no-man's-land.
I had talked with former WHCA dinner speakers Jay Leno and Drew Carey about
what they had done when they had been there and they both gave similar advice. Read the
room, don't be too blue but don't be too tame, make sure you smack everybody at least once,
and remember it's not really about you, you're just the help.
So that's what I did. When my turn came to speak I first mocked the C-SPAN network
for their archaic single-camera coverage of the event, then teased the president and his
minions and the assembled journalists in a way I hoped they'd find amusing rather than flatout insulting, although I did call the New York Times "sanctimonious whining jerks" for
declining to attend because they felt it devalued journalism to be too cozy with the
administration.
I talked a little bit about why I became an American, and I managed not to cuss, and
when I was done they gave me a standing ovation, so I can only conclude that my strategy
worked.
I don't think I was particularly sparkling that night, I think the crowd was just relieved,
as I was myself, that the whole thing was behind us and nothing too embarrassing had
happened.
It was a whirlwind after that. Parties and celebrities and backslapping and schmoozing.
I felt like I had had an anvil removed from the top of my head.
Megan and I got to our room about three a.m. and had to get up at six to catch our
flight back to L.A.
That I became a citizen of this country in January and was at a dinner with the
35
president in March is, I think, in a small way, indicative that we are still the country we hope
we are. I had wanted to be an American citizen for a long time; I have felt I was an American
since I was thirteen years old and first visited here. Life got in the way, or, more accurately, I
got in my own way. I was sidetracked and waylaid by my own demons, but America is the
land of the second, third, and 106th chance.
As I dozed on the farty rattly airplane on the way home, I thought about my short
conversation with the president.
We had been talking about Scotland; he had visited for a while when he was younger
and expressed a sort of puzzled awe at the amount of drinking that was done there, hinting
that he had taken part in a fairly major way. We talked a little bit about the dangers of booze.
I've been sober for seventeen years and, according to rumor, he himself a little longer than
that.
"It's a long way from where I've been to standing here talking to the president," I told
him.
"It's a long way from where I could've ended up to being the president," he replied.
"Only in America," he chuckled.
We clinked our glasses of sparkling water.
"Damn straight, Mr. President," I said.
And I believe it.
36
2
Frank Sinatra and Elizabeth Taylor
It probably began when the Germans tried to kill my parents. Every night when the
weather suited their purpose, the Germans would fly over in their Heinkels and
Messerschmitts and drop their bombs on Glasgow, the city where my parents grew up, just a
few miles from each other. My father was only ten years old at the time and my mother was
seven, but the Jerries didn't care, they needed to flatten Glasgow because it was the military
workshop of the British Empire. All the battleships and minesweepers and frigates that would
be used to end the Fascist madness were being built in the massive, dirty shipyards that some
idiot had placed right next to my family. So every night they could, the Germans attempted
the brutal murder of everyone who was in their way. My parents never forgave them for the
nightly assaults that killed more than a few of their classmates. To my mother and father they
were always "Germans," never "Nazis." That sounded too impersonal and inhuman, which I
suppose was true; also, by calling the enemy Germans it allowed my parents to hang on to the
enmity, and if you know anything about Scottish people, you know that bearing a grudge is
something we do extremely well.
Postwar Germans have rightfully been distancing themselves from their shameful Nazi
past, but my folks weren't buying it. They felt that those bastards had had the time of their
lives and if they thought they could get away with it they would do the whole blitzkrieg thing
all over again in a heartbeat. Maybe my parents are right. To this day if I am talking to a
German man, I cannot help, at least momentarily, picturing him in an SS uniform, and I
wasn't born until nearly twenty years after the war ended. The only time I have ever seen an
SS uniform is in the movies. My parents never saw an SS uniform up close, either. They saw
U.S. army uniforms instead.
When the American GIs turned up in Glasgow, en route to Europe, they must have
37
seemed like gods for their white teeth and lack of rickets alone.
They also brought items that had been forgotten since the war began. Nylons, fruit,
laughter, and hope. With America in the war, my parents' generation began to realize that it
would eventually end and that life would go on. Maybe it would get even better, because the
GIs brought something else. Something that had to exist before I could. Swing dancing.
Scottish people love to dance. Only certain types of dancing, though. The kind that
comes with a set of rules and instructions. We are, after all, the great engineers. Organized
stamping and clapping or structured reels and skips are what Scots want--God forbid anything
involving sexiness or free expression, no fluid or sensual movements, please. No squeezy
buttocks pushing against groins to a salsa beat, that's just the kind of thing that leads to people
talking about their feelings. The GIs changed all that. Long after that little Austrian fucker
was burned up in his bunker and the liberators had returned to their fabled land of cowboys
and Coca-Cola, swing dancing and big band music remained. It became known simply and
collectively as "the dancing," or, in the broad Glasgow dialect, radancin.
Even now, every Friday and Saturday night Glasgow pubs and bars are packed with
young people who pound down as much Dutch courage as they can before they head out for
radancin to try and find prospective sexual partners or future spouses. Like thousands of
Glaswegians, that's how my parents met.
My father, Bob, was rake thin when he was young, but he was tall and good-looking,
and at six-one a giant for a Scotsman of his generation. Diamond-blue eyes, white-blond hair
that was silver by his thirties, a strong nose, and fabulous teeth, though the teeth were
something of a cheat since they were dentures. Bob told me he'd lost his own teeth when he
was thrown from his Enfield motorcycle at Anderston Cross going eighty miles an hour but it
seems improbable because:
(A) No one can get eighty miles per hour out of a 1945 Enfield dispatch motorcycle.
38
And:
(B) The injuries my father would sustain from such a high-speed accident would
surely be more serious than just dental.
Perhaps he was traveling so fast that his poor old gnashers, weakened from no flossing
and a lack of fluoride, were sucked out of his mouth by the relative velocity.
Nonetheless, the Great Teeth Incident has now become family legend and that's good
enough for me, but the more likely story is that my father lost his teeth at a young age due to
the awful diet of his truly Dickensian childhood.
39