Heart of the
Problem
by Mark Hamby
Dear Mark,
I had hoped to see you again before I was
transferred to the State Prison. I am the guy who played
the guitar in the prison chapel after you shared what I
conceived as a very powerful message. In fact, I was and
have been very much moved and inspired by the
presentations. On two occasions you didn’t even have a
black board to illustrate your teachings, yet I can visualize
so vividly what you clearly showed me on the invisible,
make believe black board. You also gave me a book, The
Hedge of Thorns, I believe this was the title which was
also inspiring to me. I also believe now that God, in His
amazing wisdom has taken me out of the world that I was
suffering in with temptation, sins and desires. These
prison walls do not imprison me, the steel bars and razor
wire are actually God’s hedge of protection so that I might
grow, strengthen, and learn in the ways of his word before
I face the challenges of the world again. And so I believe
you are right. What a terrible prank God has pulled on
me, to get me to see, listen, and learn; his methods are
ingenious. He did the only thing He could in his effort to
protect and save me!
I was looking very much forward to
seeing you again. I had written a song to play
and sing.
Please do not stop in your efforts to bring
the word to prisoners. I’m a hard case Mark, I
spent 23 years of my life in prison. If I heard
you and your message touched and moved me.
Believe when I tell you, you did move a
mountain! The rest should be easy pickins for
you.
Thank You Mark!
J.L. Prisoner of the Lord
Just wanted to let you know I finished reading "Giant Killer" to
my kids last weekend and started Basket of Flowers Sunday
Night. We are really enjoying these books. Last night my kids
had the choice of watching a half an hour of TV, playing video
games for half an hour or having me read an extra half an hour to
them and they chose reading a Lamplighter book. They knew I
was going to read to them at bedtime anyway, but still chose the
extra half hour of "story time". I was very excited to have my 9, 7,
5 and one of our neighbors kids (also 5) all want to sit around my
living room while I read a couple chapters of Basket of Flowers. If
they could have stayed awake, we would have read until
midnight. They love this book and so do I. Lamplighter ministry is
having a tremendous, positive effect on me and my family. Grace
is flourishing in our home.
George
The Presence precedes the plan. Younger people have
asked me how they could know God's plan for their life.
The saints of old were concerned not with the plan but
with the Presence. When we have a guide, all we need to
do is follow. Without the Presence we attempt work for
God instead of letting God work through us. Fénelon
said: Put aside your self-interest and simply let God's will
unfold around you. Everything he does for you is for your
good. Worship him without having to know and see
everything. Continue doing the good things that you do
since you feel that you should and you can do them so
easily. Be careful that all your extra energy does not lead
you into trouble and, above all, live in the present
moment and God will give you all the grace you need.
God's glory and his purpose are the end of all things. You
will find happiness and deliverance but not as an end in
itself. It is all for God.
Give grace to yourself and others.
"Do not be surprised to find yourself
overly sensitive, impatient, proud, and
self-willed. Realize that this is your natural
disposition. Bear with yourself, but do not
flatter yourself into thinking you are better
than you are but wait on God's timing to
transform it. Stop at once when your
activities become too hurried. Guard
against placing responsibility above
relationship.”
Self-love is subtle.
"You will be tempted to speak out in
a humble tone of voice to tell others
of your problems. Watch out for
this. A humility that is still talkative
does not run very deep. When you
talk too much, your self-love
relieves his sense of shame a little."
Suffering is useful.
Suffering is necessary for all of us. You
will be purified by dying to see your
own desires and will. Let yourself die.
You have excellent opportunities for
this to happen. Don't waste them. . . .
God never makes you suffer
unnecessarily. He intends for your
suffering to heal and purify you. The
hand of God hurts you as little as it can.
The yoke that God gives is easy to bear
if you accept it without struggling to
escape.
but, though he cause grief, he
will have compassion according to
the abundance of his steadfast love;
for he does not willingly afflict
or grieve the children of men.
Lamentations 3:32-33
For they persecute him
whom you (God) have
struck down, and they
recount the pain of those
you (God) have wounded.
Psalm 69: 26 (see Ps. 119)
"Peace and comfort
are to be found only
in simple
obedience.”
“There never is peace in
resisting God . . . . Allow
yourself to be humble. If
you are silent and peaceful
when humiliating things
happen to you, you will
grow in grace."
Growth and change are the work of
the cross.
The work of the cross--redemption-is the constant tension of growth and
change as the old nature gives way
to the new. It is a putting off of the
flesh and putting on of the fruits of
the spirit daily. Fruit is the Spirit’s
work; it is our work to die to self on
the cross He has given us to bear.
"You and I are nothing without
the cross. I agonize and cry
when the cross is working
within me, but when it is over I
look back in admiration for
what God has accomplished.
Of course I am then ashamed I
bore it so poorly."
Cursed is he who does the work of
the LORD with slackness, and cursed is
he who keeps back his sword from
bloodshed.
Moab has been at ease from his
youth and has settled on his dregs;
he has not been emptied from vessel to
vessel, nor has he gone into exile;
so his taste remains in him, and his
scent is not changed.
Therefore, behold, the days are
coming, declares the LORD, when I shall
send to him pourers who will pour him,
and empty his vessels and break his jars
in pieces.
Jeremiah 48:10-12
Offer to God a sacrifice of
thanksgiving, and perform your vows
to the Most High,
and call upon me in the day of
trouble; I will deliver you, and you
shall glorify me."
Psalm 50:14-15
But I fear, lest somehow, as the
serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness,
so your minds may be corrupted from
the simplicity that is in Christ.
II Corinthians 11:3
But He gives more grace. Therefore He
says: “ God resists the proud, but gives grace
to the humble.”
Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil
and he will flee from you.
Draw near to God and He will draw near
to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and
purify your hearts, you double-minded.
Lament and mourn and weep! Let your
laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to
gloom.
Humble yourselves in the sight of the
Lord, and He will lift you up.
James 4:6-10
For where envy and selfseeking exist, confusion and every
evil thing are there.
But the wisdom that is from
above is first pure, then peaceable,
gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy
and good fruits, without partiality
and without hypocrisy.
Now the fruit of righteousness
is sown in peace by those who
make peace.
James 3:16-18
…Yes, all of you be submissive to
one another, and be clothed with humility,
for “ God resists the proud, but gives
grace to the humble.”
Therefore humble yourselves under
the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt
you in due time,
casting all your care upon Him, for
He cares for you.
Be sober, be vigilant; because your
adversary the devil walks about like a
roaring lion, seeking whom he may
devour.
I Peter 5:5b-8
God’s healing love can transform the most miserable life
into one of comfort, joy, and deep personal peace.
For if you forgive men their
trespasses, your heavenly Father will
also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their
trespasses, neither will your Father
forgive your trespasses.
Matthew 6:14-15
Do not underestimate the cleansing
power available when anyone
approaches God as a repentant sinner
who has seen his sin and wants to be
restored and renewed. It doesn’t take
God long to transform a humble
person.
Cast your burden on the
LORD, And He shall sustain
you; He shall never permit the
righteous to be moved.
Psalms 55:22
(read page 26)
Time magazine featured an article
entitled “The Burnout of Almost Everyone.”
“They describe the stages of burnout,
progressing from intense enthusiasm and
job satisfaction, to exhaustion, physical
illness, acute anger and depression. Even
the best worker, when thwarted, will
swallow his rage; it then turns into a small
private conflagration, an internal fire in his
engine room.”
According to these authors, the
consequences to adults of being thwarted
(i.,e. not getting their own way) by other
adults (i.e.. Husbands and wives) are rage
and hostility, resulting in physical illness,
depression, and tension headaches.
Given proper alteration in people,
circumstances, and social conditions that
surround an individual, changes can
occur without giving God a thought.
Counseling, done by trained, caring, kind
people, followed by appropriate changes,
can bring great relief to an anxious
confused person. If you want relief, you
can find it.
A change of location or the removal
of a troublesome person can give relief to
an anxious person. That is relief, not
healing. Alcohol can quiet a hostile, bitter
heart, but it only gives relief, not healing.
(read page 36 & 37)
Finding relief from sin
instead of obtaining
cleansing is a cruel trap.
Relief from sin allows me to
be comfortably separated
from God.
There is a cure for sin.
Peace does not come in capsules!
(read page 43)
If you want relief, you can find it in
this world. If you want a cure, only
God can help you.
(read page 44 & 45)
Fenelon says “You asked for a remedy,
that your problems might be cured. You
do not need to be cured. You need to be
slain.”
This is the Christian miracle of the cleansed life—a great
mystery—why, after years of fighting, would Malcolm
and Dorothy submit to these biblical guidelines?
But now you yourselves are to put off
all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy,
filthy language out of your mouth.
Colossians 3:8
Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and
beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility,
meekness, longsuffering.
Colossians 3:12
Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put
away from you, with all malice.
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one
another, even as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32
Not that we are in any way
confident of doing anything by
our own resources: our ability
comes from God. It is He who
makes us competent
administrators of the new
agreement…,
II Corinthians 3:5-6
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I am at my wits end. My wife and I cannot even talk to each other without it turning into a
blame session.
Understand that this letter will be colored with my opinions, personality, theology and flesh.
I believe that my wife has a view of me that is made up more from the residue or reaction to
the incest by her Pastor/Missionary father and two brothers from ages 4-18 than from who I
really am.
I must make a big point of saying that I am not a good husband. I am quiet, reserved, prefer
to be alone, and my flesh is drawn to negativity and criticism. These are some of my less
appealing qualities. I have been insensitive to her over the years to be sure.
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She has read many books in the
Christian/pop-psychology genre. Whenever a new book comes out she reads it. Joyce Meyer
is a fave. She freely gives me her analysis of why I am how I am and why I do what I do. I do
not welcome unsolicited psycho-analysis. She listens daily to the 'New Life Live' radio
program with John Townsend and Henry Cloud. I believe the program gives self centered and
ungodly advice. It is a repackaging of Freud, Fromme and Rogers in a "christian" wrapper. If I
bring this up it is proof of how abusive I am.
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After a counseling session about a year ago, while driving home, I asked Sharon "how would
you describe the role of a wife?" She said 'to get her needs met and show her husband where
he is wrong".
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She has told me that 95% of the problems in our marriage are because of me and the five
percent dont'
count because it's just her reacting to my craziness.
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When I told her recently that I felt very hurt by what she had said and are you open to discuss
it. She said " what a baby, you should be beyond getting hurt."
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When I ask her if she can understand, given the circumstances how I'd be hurt she responds with " yeah I can
see how you would be hurt." (when I asked for clarity it was that 'a dysfunctional emotional basketcase such
as yourself would quite naturally get hurt. Any normal person would not, but you, I can understand.
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Bottom line for me is that I feel rejected. I feel as though she doesn't see me as a legitimate person.
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My feelings, sadness, loneliness etc. are a threat to her. She says it is an abuse. This is one of her frequent
words. Abuse. Everything is abuse. She says I am a misogynist, abusive, worse than her father. She focuses
on the past to a great extent. If we have a discussion about a current issue it soon goes back ten years or
more, the notebooks come out and she wraps it up with an analysis of my behavior which she then supports
with quotes from contemporary Christian authors or radio personalities and even Dr. Phil.
Yesterday I tried to express my desire to start all over, to apologize for the past and forgive her for the ways
she has hurt me. She said she didn't want to hear it. Just do it.
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When I attempt to discuss something that she has said to me that is hurtful she will not hear it. She says my
sins greatly outweigh hers and so there's no point discussing something as insignificant as what she said. And
furthermore any normal person never would have been hurt. I can't tell you how deeply this one thing affects
me. It really is devastating for me to hear this. WHat I hear is " you are irrelevant. you and your context don't
matter. What you feel is unimportant." It is as though ALL of the trouble is because of me and NONE of it is
attributable to her. I can't bear this.
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Recently her brother and his family were over. (the one who did not incest her) Afterwards he told me that he
and his wife and two daughters were appalled at the way Sharon talked to me. The level of disrepect. I had
felt it but only mildly because I am used to it. It struck me that it made such a stong impression on them. My
parents see the same thing. My co-workers as well. She has had people tell her "you think your perfect don't
you".
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Truthfully, I don't think I have a normal context to compare all of this to. I don't know what it is like to have a
supportive wife. One who believes in me. One who says "yeah, you can do it!" If I mention a dream or desire it
gets squelched with the "more important"
issues like how I am so abusive.
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Now after years of this I am quite distraught. Last winter she had a hysterectomy that is taking an unusually
long time to recover from. This is hard on her. It is painful still today. I find it hard to show compassion. I know
she is hurting but how to be tender with a spitting cobra?
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For some reason it is important to me that she acknowledge that she does in fact hurt me.
It is important to me that I have sex.(which she says will not happen because a wife needs to
feel loved before she can feel like having sex and it would be a violation of her boundaries and
also abusive for any husband to "demand sex". This of course is substantiated by James
Dobson, Henry Cloud, Dr. Phil and others. how can I argue with that?) I must say that my
thought life in this area is a struggle.
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I need her to believe in me and not see me as an emotional cripple. ( although with her I
probably do act that way. but with anyone else in my life I don't and I say it's because nobody
else talks to me that way she does.
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Now I don't engage. I keep to myself and just try not to initiate anything. As you can imagine
things are a mess. When I bolster enough courage to try again she brings up the past and
chews me out for not initiating. So I give up anew. It is truly an endless cycle.
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She maintains that she has done everything she can do.
I have not and that if I would everything would be fine.
I don't agree. The problem is that we cannot discuss it because according to her my sins are so
much more severe that it would be an act of abuse to even bring up hers.
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There are times I think I must be crazy. That I am nuts. I don't know what to do. Add to all of this
four teenagers and an old house that needs repair and you'll get the picture.
I realize that this letter is only one side of the coin and it's always hard to get a true perspective
in this way but if you have any advice for me I'd welcome it. I have never met you nor you I but
please don't hold back. Don't censor yourself for fear of offense.
I am a Christian and am coming to understand that I am warring against my flesh and the
enemy daily. Perhaps she is right and I am a train wreck of a person who needs to have his
head examined.
Thank you for your time.
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Do all in the knowledge of His coming.
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You can be certain that I will not hold back. After reading your
> > email, I must say that it has left and imprint of
>a
> > smile on my face. Now I
> > know that this might puzzle you, but I thought you were writing
> > about my wife! Welcome to life.
> > Your situation is no different than a myriad of husbands--most of
> > which have given up the battle long ago. All that you have said
> > about your wife may be true, but this doesn't really matter because
> > it is God who has CALLED you both to this marriage and to these
> > circumstances. Some are "called" to die as martyrs, some to prison,
> > some
> to
> > illness, some to
> > torture, some to lose their jobs and wealth, some
> to
> > be falsely
> > accused...you get the picture. First let's understand the concept,
> > "What God has joined together..." Indeed, God joined
> you
> > are your wife together.
> > Somehow, by God's miraculous grace, that can only
> be
> > received at his throne
> > as we humble ourselves, must take your eyes off of your needs and
> > place them on to the needs of your apparently needy wife.
>
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Now > > that she is recovering
> > from the hysterectomy, her emotional needs are greater than ever.
> > Let's say that she is exactly as you say (I doubt that she
> is> > because women like that
> > don't take the time to listen to Christian radio searching for
> > help)--but let's say that she is--THEN this is God's calling for
> > you! She is a sister in need. Need sex? What if she was mentally
> > impaired in a hospital for years? What would you do then? Clay,
> > God's grace is sufficient and for those of us that cry that it is
> > too painful, too difficult, clearly reveal that our right is not
> > right before God. I have walked in your shoes far too often, and
> > more times (and recently) than I would like to admit. I have fallen
> > more times than I can count, but one thing
> is> > certain, if I cry out
> > to him and begin to walk in humility, He lifts me up, every time!!!
> > Yes it would be wonderful for our wives to encourage us
> and> > back us and partner
> > with us, but sometimes the hurts of the past,
> block> > their ability to honor
> > us the way they should. Is this OK? Of course not...but this is in
> > God's hands. We as men are to act like men...soldiers
> of> > the cross. A couple of
> > my friends are in Iraq and Afghanistan. Today is was 145
> > degrees--he has to carry 60 pounds of supplies and two layers of
> > clothing. The Scriptures state, you have not resisted unto blood.
> > In other words, you and I are not bleeding for our "calling." No,
> > we are called to love AND NOT BE BITTER This may be harder than
> > fighting in Iraq--yes indeed, I believe that it is harder and the
> > pain no less hurtful than getting a bullet. I would imagine that
> > you would rather take a bullet any day--correct? But this is God's
> > calling for both of us--To love as Christ loved!!!
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Wow...how did he love?
> > And gave himself for the church, his wife. A wife who continues to
> > dishonor and turns her back on him often, yet in spite of this, he
> > loved and gave and does not become bitter. Clay this is our
> > calling--to be made conformable to His image. There is no other
> > way.
>>
There are a few comments I would like to make
> about
> > your email.
> > Concerning the work of New Life, it does reveal
> that
> > you must battle your
> > critical spirit. I have listened to them many
> times
> > and though there are
> > many things I would disagree with, I believe they are being used of
> > God.
> > You are probably slanted negatively because your wife listens to it
> > and uses it against you. You must not put down things that your wife
> > finds good.
> > Encourage her, and yes, even learn from her. What would it take to
> > ask her advice in what she sees in your life and what
> needs
> > to change? Then listen
> > and implement. If you become bitter, then it is evident that your
> > pride, keeps you from experiencing God's grace. Without his grace,
> > you are done for! You need a miracle and God is in the
> business
> > of miracles. There is
> > so much I would like to say, but I need you to follow my advice if I
> > am going to help you. I need you to order the book, Heart of the
> > Problem by Dr. Brandt. You can find on the web for cheap.
> > After you read one or two
> > or even three chapters, I need you to email me and let's talk about
> > what you are learning. I need you to also order the books Let Go by
> > Fenelon, and How to Act right when your Spouse Acts Wrong. You can
> > order these from our ministry. Lastly, I need you to read
> > Ecclesiastes
>3
> > and Lamentations 3 and
> > then we can also discuss this. Clay, by God's grace, I can help
> > you. Are you willing to give this a try?
> > Sincerely,
> > Mark Hamby
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Hello again Mark,
I have ordered, received and read the Heart of the Problem. Due to my desperate
and hungry condition I read it through in just a few days. I am now re-reading more
slowly for proper digestion.
THere is a story in the first part of the book about a family with a twenty year old son
in college. I find many parallels to our situation in this story. WHen I read it I had the
thought that if my wife read this story she would ball me out and say "see!!! I told you
so! You need to change!" THis morning I went into the kitchen to find her with the
book and it happened just so. She also told me that if our son gets in trouble it'll be
my fault.
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I accept the premise of the book. We are dealing with sin as a condition. I sin. No
one makes me sin. I choose it. One of my problems is that I don't want the pressure
to sin to come from my wife. Why is it 'out of bounds' to talk about how she speaks
harshly and disrespectfully to me? (this is how it plays out for us when I bring up her
hurtful words) I am going to make it my goal to apologize when I sin. I am going to
say; I was wrong, I am sorry. And then I think I am going to have to keep my mouth
shut because I anticipate a wild reaction. It is very hard to say these words for me.
When I reflect on the matter I find that I think I can act with impunity. I think I can do
anything I want to do. I think I have no responsibility to defer to anyone. I don't know
that I have ever acknowledged this about myself.
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I will say that over the last four days while reading the book I have been in control of
my tongue moreso than in the past. I have been aware of my responsibility for my
own behavior. I have become aware of how little I really love Christ. I say that
because he tells us if we love him we will obey him. I have obeyed myself. I have not
obeyed him. I have obeyed him indirectly in that his will at times coincides with mine
and as such I will obey him at these times. WHen it is expedient to ignore Him I do so
freely. The longer I sit writing this letter the more I see my depravity. I need to be
• Hello again Mark,
• This whole week I have been acutely aware of my
behavior. My speech, my thoughts, my attitudes, my
level of patience, my irritation level, on and on. It is
unprecedented. I praise His name for the Holy Spirit
who has been doing this. I am realizing that a lot of my
wife's complaints are legitimate. I am, in many ways, a
jerk. I have printed out the third chapter of Colossians
from StudyLight.org and have been reviewing it daily. I
am going to work on memorizing parts or perhaps the
entire chapter. I have also noticed how good I am at
being a hypocrite. I have told many people how the
Word is alive, that is is powerful, that the Word itself is
something living.
• And yet, I have neglected to make this living Word a
part of my daily life. Truly I have lived a long time "in
the flesh".
Behold, the LORD's hand is not
shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear
dull, that it cannot hear;
But your iniquities have made a
separation between you and your God,
and your sins have hidden his face from
you so that he does not hear.
Isaiah 59:1-2
It has been discovered that if we could
eliminate our sins, we would solve most
of our own problems and most of the
ills of society, including the breakdown
of the family, domestic violence, child
abuse, rape, murder, violence, political
deception, and personal misery.
If we confess our sins, he is
faithful and just to forgive us our sins
and to cleanse us from all
unrighteousness.
I John 1:9
(read page 70ff)
But if we walk in the light as He is
in the light, we have fellowship with one
another, and the blood of Jesus Christ
His Son cleanses us from all sin.
I John 1:7
(And this is condemnation, that light
is come into the world, and men loved
darkness rather than light, because
their deeds were evil. For everyone
that does evil hates the light, lest his
deeds should be reproved.
It is important to understand that I could
acknowledge being wrong on all points
without agreeing that I have sinned against
God. It is important to comprehend that
being wrong and being sinful are not
interchangeable words. We must be clear
on what we mean by being wrong.
For godly grief produces a
repentance that leads to salvation
without regret, whereas worldly
grief produces death.
II Corinthians 7:10
The
End
Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.”
Isaiah 38:17
It is more important to know
the presence of God than to seek the
will of God, because when you walk
in His presence you will more easily
find and understand His will.
Romans 12:2
Those who know your name will trust in you, for
you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.”
Psalm 9:10
In “the providence of God” is that we
either unconsciously or deliberately imply
that God intervenes at specific points in
our lives but is largely only an interested
spectator most of the time. When we
think this way, even unconsciously, we
reduce God’s control over our lives to a
stop-and-go, in-an-out proposition. Our
unconscious attitude is that the rest of the
time we are the “master of our fates” or
conversely the victims of unhappy
circumstances or uncaring people that
cross our paths.
Theologian J.I. Packer defines
providence as, “The unceasing activity
of the Creator whereby, in overflowing
bounty and goodwill, He upholds His
creatures in ordered existence, guides
and governs all events, circumstances,
and free acts of angels and men, and
directs everything to its appointed goal,
for His own glory.” Note the absolute
terms Packer uses: “unceasing
activity.” “all events…all acts,” “directs
everything.”
Who is he who speaks and it
comes to pass, when the Lord has not
commanded it?
Is it not from the mouth of the
Most High that woe and well-being
proceed?
Lamentations 3:37-38
Who can speak and have it happen
if the Lord has not decreed it? Is it not
from the mouth of the Most High that
both calamities and good things come?
Lamentations 3:37-38
Call to me and I will answer
you, and will tell you great and
hidden things that you have not
known.
Jeremiah 33:3
He brought me out into a broad
place; he rescued me, because he
delighted in me.
The LORD dealt with me according
to my righteousness; according to the
cleanness of my hands he rewarded me.
For I have kept the ways of the
LORD, and have not wickedly departed
from my God.
For all his rules were before me,
and his statutes I did not put away from
me.
Psalm 18:19-22
Oh, the depth of the riches and
wisdom and knowledge of God! How
unsearchable are his judgments and
how inscrutable his ways!
Romans 11:33