Revising Business Messages
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Phase 3: Revising
1. Revise: Revise for 7 Cs (clear,
conversational, courteous, coherent,
concise, complete, correct), directness,
vigor, tone, and “scanability”
2. Proofread: Proofread to verify spelling,
grammar, punctuation, and format.
Check for overall appearance
3. Evaluate: Ask yourself whether the final
product will achieve its purpose, set up
feedback mechanism
Know when to revise…
…and when to start over!
Revising
Discussion:
Communication Matters
Golden Rules of Writing Well
• Notice the name of the journal where
this article was published – why do
people in this field need to write
clearly and with “strong verbs”?
• What are some examples of
“verbing” (turning a noun into a
verb) that you use? Are these
appropriate for business writing?
Revising techniques
• Keep it simple and
conversational
• Keep it direct,
clear, and vigorous
• Avoid awkward
phrasing – have a
rhythm
• Avoid pompous,
“instant prose”
• Avoid passive voice
• Avoid perfect tense,
“to be” verbs, 3rd
person
• Avoid “nouning”
• Develop parallelism
• Apply graphic
highlighting
Keep it simple.
Avoid indirect, pompous “instant prose”
Poor: It would not be inadvisable for you to
affix your signature at this point in time.
Improved: You may sign now.
Poor: Frequently a chapter’s title in a book
reveals to the reader the main point that
the author desires to bring out during the
course of the chapter.
Improved: A chapter’s title often reveals its
main point.
Source: George Mason University Writing Center
Keep it simple
Replace these wordy phrases
with one word:
1. Succeed in making
2. Were found to be in
agreement
3. At this point in time
4. Made the statement that
1. Succeed
2. Agreed
3. Now
4. Stated
Keep it simple
Eliminate stale, puffed-up expressions
 as per your suggestion
 pursuant to your
request
 enclosed please find
 please feel free to call
 thank you in advance
as you suggested
as you requested
enclosed is
please call
thank you
Keep it simple
Reduce compound prepositions
•
•
•
•
•
•
at such time
at which time
due to the fact that
inasmuch as
in which
in order to
Reduce to when
Reduce to when
Reduce to because
Reduce to because
Reduce to where
Reduce to to
Keep it simple
Eliminate Redundancies: Say it once!
 collect together
 contributing
factor
 past history
 basic
fundamentals




personal opinion
perfectly clear
few in number
unexpected surprise
Keep it simple
Use friendly words
Stately words
• Accomplish
• Additional
• Approximately
• Characteristic
• Constructed
• Frequently
• Individuals
• Initial
• Requirement
• Reiterate
Friendly words
• Achieve
• Added
• About
• Trait
• Built
• Often
• Persons
• First
• Need
• Repeat
Keep it simple
Purge empty words
• As for the area of athletic shoes, the
degree of profits sagged.
• This is to inform you that we have a tollfree service line.
• Not all students who are registered will
attend.
Keep it simple
Purge empty words.
• As for the area of athletic shoes’, the
degree of profits sagged.
• This is to inform you that we have a tollfree service line.
• Not all students who are [registered] will
attend.
Keep it simple
Remove prepositional phrases
• Wordy: Most companies are unaware of
the fact that college interns cannot
displace regular employees
• Improved: Most companies are
unaware that college interns cannot
displace regular employees.
Revising Practice
• A request that we are making to
managers is that they not spend all
their time in their departments and
instead visit other departments one
hour a month.
• We in management are of the opinion
that employees have not been made
sufficiently aware of the problem of
computer security.
Keep it simple:
Kick the noun habit
• Wordy: We must conduct an investigation of
all parking violations before we can give
consideration to your fine.
• Improved: We must investigate all parking
violations before we can consider your fine.
Kick the noun habit
Replace these wordy phrases
with one word
1.
2.
3.
4.
Make a suggestion to
Provide an explanation of
With the exception of
Bring to a conclusion
1.
2.
3.
4.
Suggest
Explain
Except
Conclude
(or end)
Revising Practice
• It has been established that the
incontestable key to the future success of
QuadCam is a deep and firm commitment
to quality.
• It is our suggestion that you do not
attempt to move forward until you seek
and obtain approval of the plan from the
team leader prior to beginning this project
Keep it direct:
Avoid Passive Voice
Agent as object
Passive: A policy of whitewashing and
cover-up has been pursued by the CEO
and several key Board members
Active: The CEO and several key Board
members pursued a policy of
whitewashing and cover-up.
Source: OWL at Purdue University
Keep it direct:
Avoid Passive Voice
Agent omitted
Passive: Mistakes were made.
Active: We made mistakes.
Passive: Results will be published in the
next issue of the journal.
Active: The researchers will publish the
results in the next issue of the journal.
Source: OWL at Purdue University
Keep it direct:
Avoid shifting voice
Shifted: He tried to act cool when he
slipped in the puddle, but he was still
laughed at by the other students
Revised: He tried to act cool when he
slipped in the puddle, but the other
students still laughed at him.
Source: OWL at Purdue University
Keep it direct
Avoid:
• perfect tense
• “to be” verbs
• 3rd person
Wordy: One would have
had to inquire as to
the worthiness of the
project.
Improved: The analysts
needed to ask about
the project’s value.
Keep it direct:
Avoid “to be” verbs
•
•
•
•
Am
Is
Are
Be
•
•
•
•
Being
Been
Was
Were
 Can make your sentences wordy,
weak, choppy, or in passive tense
 Eliminate all “to be” verbs not
absolutely necessary for clarity/flow
Source: Sam Houston Writing Center, 2004
How to eliminate “to be” verbs
1. Use verb without “to be” verb helper
•
•
Lucia is smiling at the baby
Lucia smiles at the baby
2. Modify phrase to add description,
eliminate choppiness
•
•
•
•
Steve is ill, so he is not going to work
Steve is ill and cannot go to work
Frances is a good cook. She will be able
to go to culinary school.
Frances is a good cook and will attend
culinary school.
Source: Sam Houston Writing Center 2004
Keep it clear:
Avoid dangling modifiers
(often caused by passive voice)
Dangling: To win the
lottery, a ticket must be
purchased. (passive
voice, missing agent)
Revised: To win the
lottery, you must
purchase a ticket.
Keep it clear:
Avoid dangling modifiers
(often caused by passive voice)
Dangling: Seeking to lay off workers
without taking the blame, consultants
were hired to break the bad news.
(Who was laying off workers? The
consultants?)
Revised: Seeking to lay off workers
without taking the blame, the CEO hired
consultants to break the bad news.
Source: OWL at Purdue University
Keep it clear:
Avoid misplaced modifiers
Misplaced modifier: The busy personnel
director interviewed only candidates who
had excellent computer skills in the
morning. (Were the candidates skilled only
in the mornings?)
Revised: In the morning, the busy personnel
director only interviewed candidates with
excellent computer skills
Keep it clear and rhythmic
• Not parallel: We can collect
information, store it, and later it
can be updated.
• Parallel: We can collect, store, and
update information.
Revising Practice
• Ms. Thomas tries to read all e-mail
messages daily, but responses may not be
made until the following day.
• Last year Mr. Alvarro wrote letters and was
giving presentations to promote his
business.
• For this position we assess oral and written
communication skills, how well individuals
solve problems, whether they can work with
teams, and we’re also interested in
interpersonal skills, such as cultural
awareness and sensitivity
One last time with clarity,
conciseness, and vigor
1. Due to the fact that e-mail is a valuable
tool in business, we in management are
pleased to make e-mail available to all
employees who are authorized to use it.
2. Those who function as suppliers may
not have a full understanding of the
problem.
3. For each and every single customer who
complains, there are 10 to 15 other ones
out there who are not bothering to speak
up about their dissatisfaction or
unhappiness.
Proofreading
Proofreading
Do not rely on Word spell checker!
Eye have a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Watch for
• Posses when you mean possesses
• Their when you mean there
• It’s when you mean its
How to Proofread
Complex Documents
• Set it aside for a breather
• Read the message at least
twice, read aloud
• Read sentences out of context
(start at end)
• Use a peer editor to identify
(not fix!) errors
• Congratulate, don’t criticize,
yourself when you find errors:
Think of the points you save
with each error you find!
Evaluating
Evaluating the Outcome
• Does your message reflect
your audience analysis?
• Does the message set an
effective tone?
• Will it achieve its purpose?
• Did you encourage
feedback?
End