Raising an Emotionally Healthy
Child: How Not to be a Helicopter
Parent
Jennifer L.
Derenne,M.D.
Assistant Professor of
Psychiatry, Medical
College of Wisconsin
Child and Adolescent
Psychiatrist,
Children’s Hospital of
Wisconsin
3/4/08
Objectives
Discuss the characteristics most often
associated with emotional health in children and
adolescents, and identify ways to promote those
characteristics and skills in your child.
Discuss parenting techniques that tend to be
most successful for children at different
developmental stages.
Discuss strategies for "first line" ways to deal
with common childhood problems, and identify
situations that may require additional
intervention outside of the family.
Disclaimers
There is no one “right way” to parent.
Each family has it’s own unique strengths
and challenges.
Each parent/child relationship is different,
even within the same family.
As a parent, you know your child/family
best.
“Helicopter Parenting”
Children these days are highly structured,
and may sometimes be over-scheduled
– Playdates
– Schoolwork
– Clubs, volunteer work, sports
Well-meaning parents can take over many
aspects of their child’s lives (intent is to
keep child “on course”)
“Helicopter Parenting”
When parents take over organizational aspects
of their child’s life, it may help the child “get
ahead”, but does not help them learn the skills
they need to be successful as adults
–
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Organization
Delayed gratification
Autonomy/Responsibility
Initiative
Accepting disappointment and reformulating a plan
“Helicopter Parenting”
Helicopter parents are overly involved in
children’s lives, and do not let them learn from
their mistakes or from normal childhood
experiences
They may take on their child’s school projects,
argue with teachers/professors about grades,
and choose their child’s college.
The cell phone has been called “the world’s
longest umbilical cord.”
As a result, children do not learn to take on
responsibility. They may get into a prestigious
college or professional school, but may not be
able to function effectively once they get there.
Kids may become anxious/depressed under the
stress.
How can you help your child stay on pace with
his/her peers, but also help him/her learn these
important skills?
Traits Associated with
Emotional and Psychological
Health
The ability to feel secure in one’s
relationships (attachment)
Positive self-esteem
A sense of self-efficacy (“I can make
things happen for myself”)
The ability to withstand frustration and
disappointment
Developmental Stages
Infancy (0-2)
Pre-school (2-6)
Latency (middle-childhood, school-age) (612)
Adolescence (12-18)
Infancy
Infancy
This is a time of rapid development and
growth
– Physical
– Cognitive (language skills)
Attachment is the major developmental
milestone
– Child feels protected by the mother
– This safety enables the child to separate and
start to explore the world
Pre-school
Pre-school
Growth and development continue at a
rapid pace
Child’s perception is that everything
revolves are him/her
Magical thinking predominates
– “I was bad, so daddy got cancer.”
Immature sense of body integrity
– “My arm is broken, therefore I am broken.”
Latency
Latency
Physical development slows
This is the time during which child begins to find
his/her place in the world
– Mastery in academics, athletics, arts
– Child negotiates his/her status in the peer group
Increased organization, responsibility, cognitive
and moral development
– Children develop logical thinking, empathy, respect
for rules
Adolescence
Adolescence
The time during which the child prepares for
adulthood. Increased reliance on peer group to
determine norms.
– Puberty
– Separation/individuation- teen starts to figure out
his/her ideals, starts to think about separating from
the family
Capable of abstract thinking
Very common to have tension during this timeparents feel protective, child wants increased
autonomy.
Attachment
Experiences in very early childhood (0-3
years) determine our ability to trust others.
(Consistent caregiving, food/water/shelter)
Once secure attachment is solidified, child
is able to explore the world, knowing that a
parent will always be there when needed.
Temperament of both parent and child has
a significant effect on this process.
Temperamental Styles
Chess and Thomas (1977)
Easy- positive mood, moderate activity level,
adapt to change, regular biologic patterns
Difficult- very active, negative mood, overly
persistent, intensely reactive, resistant to change
Slow to warm up (behaviorally inhibited)cautious and shy, less reactive, less active,
respond to stress by withdrawing emotionally
Attunement
DW Winnicott “Good enough” parenting
– It is not important that the parent/child
relationship is perfect
– It is important that the parent is tuned in to
what the child needs
– This may require the parent to rethink
approach
ie- a “laid back” parent may not immediately see
that a temperamentally “intense” child may need
more time to transition between activities.
Attunement
Relationships in which the parent and child have
different temperaments may be very challenging
The good news is, the parent doesn’t need to be
perfect all the time- the relationship can be
repaired.
When repairs are necessary, it is very important
that the parent be the one to initiate this, even
when it might not be his/her “fault”. This gets
back to the idea of attachment- teaches the child
that the parent can withstand his/her negative
feelings and that the child cannot destroy the
relationship.
Your child may have different strengths
and interests from you, your spouse, or
his/her siblings.
– Recognize this and support your child
– Modify expectations accordingly (expect that
child works up to his/her potential, but don’t
demand straight As if that is not realistic)
Self-esteem
The manner in which we regard ourselves
and our accomplishments
Generally most helpful when we see
ourselves in a positive light, but we are
realistic about our individual strengths and
weaknesses
– “I am a generous and loyal friend, but I
sometimes have a short temper and need to
work on ways to not get angry easily.”
Fostering Self-esteem
Make an effort to be positive, but don’t
distort the truth.
Children know when they don’t measure
up, and when adults lie to them, they
begin to have difficulty trusting feedback
from others.
The hard part is resisting the urge to be
overly positive or critical
Example
Your 8 year old son is playing soccer. He is not
the strongest member of the team, but clearly
loves it. How to approach him after a game?
– “Nice job- I was really proud of how hard you tried
during that game, and it really looked like you were
having fun!”
– “That was amazing! You are really great at soccer!”
– “You know, we might want to give basketball a try, I’m
not sure that soccer is your thing. Unless you want to
start practicing after school.”
Fostering Self-esteem
Make it clear that you love and value your
child, even when he/she has misbehaved.
– “I am very disappointed in what you’ve done,
but I still love you very much.”
Model good self-esteem and healthy
habits for your child. Make an effort to not
be self-deprecating, and to treat yourself
well.
– Healthy eating, exercise, work/fun balance
Self-regulation
The ability to tolerate frustration, disappointment,
anger, sadness
Children need time, experience, and practice to
learn to regulate their emotions
Adults can help by modeling good coping
strategies (distraction) and minimizing use of
maladaptive strategies (substance abuse, bingeeating, compulsive exercise)
Parents can use their own experiences to help
kids when they are struggling
Self-regulation
It can be tempting to jump in and “try to fix
it”, but kids generally find it most helpful
when parents listen, validate their
concerns, and offer their assistance in a
way that the child will find helpful.
Empathize with the child’s feelings and
help them identify the emotion
– “It sounds like you’re really disappointed that
you didn’t get a part in the play. I’m sorry, that
really stinks. What can I do to help?”
Example
Your 6 year old daughter comes home from
school crying. Two older classmates were
teasing her on the bus. What is the best way to
initially approach the situation?
– “This is terrible! I’m calling the bus driver right now!”
– “The best thing to do is to just stop crying. Don’t let it
bother you. It’s not a big deal.”
– “Those kids were really mean. It’s natural that you
would feel embarrassed about what they said. Do
you want me to call Mrs. Smith?”
Delayed Gratification
Teach your children the value of time and
money, the satisfaction of achieving something
through hard work, and the importance of
planning ahead
– Meeting friends at the mall- don’t just drop
everything to play chauffeur. Ask your
children to schedule things in advance.
– Activities- ask your children to choose
carefully, and encourage them to stick with at
least one over the long term
– Clothes/toys- consider asking your child to
pay the difference for special “designer” labels
or to pay part of the cost of expensive video
or computer game systems.
Family Structure
Children and adolescents do best when there
are boundaries between parents and children.
Kids need parents, not “best friends”
Even though they may fight and scream,
children love structure and firm limit-setting
It can be especially challenging to enforce rules
and limits when your child says that they hate
you, that they’ll lose all of their friends if they do
what you say, or that they’ll be depressed if you
hold the limit
Family Structure
Parents
↓
Children
NOT
Parents = Children
Co-parenting
Parents need to present a “united front” with
their children to avoid splitting (playing one
parent against the other)
– This becomes especially important in families where
parents are divorced
Significant relationships (marriage, life partner,
etc) are extremely important and need to be
cultivated
– Make time for your spouse or significant other
– Neglecting the relationship to focus on the children
can lead to problems down the road
Cultivating Important Relationships
Allow yourself uninterrupted time with your
partner every day (30-60 minutes to catch
up on your day, discuss family events, etc)
Schedule a “date night” every 1-2 weeks
Working parents often feel the need to
spend all of the time they are home with
their children, but it is important to make
time for yourself as well (and models good
lifestyle balance)
Example
Your 14 year old daughter tells you she is going to a
party over the weekend which will be thrown by a
classmate who has been in trouble for possession of
drugs and alcohol. You tell her that you are not
comfortable with her going. She responds by saying, “I
hate you! Are you trying to ruin my life? Everyone is
going. If I can’t go, I’m going to stop eating.” How might
you respond?
– “Tough. You’re not going anywhere for a month.”
– “Look, I know this isn’t going to make me popular, but I care
enough about you and your safety that I’m willing to be the bad
guy here.” Ask your spouse/partner to support you in the
decision.
– “OK, fine, you can go. Just be careful.”
Limit Setting
Clear Expectations
Consistency
Consequences for failure to meet
expectations
Important that both expectations and
consequences are age-appropriate
Limit Setting
Reward good behavior! This will increase
the chances that good behaviors are
repeated.
Avoid inadvertently rewarding bad
behaviors (ie- giving in to a temper
tantrum at the grocery store)
Inconsistency with limits increases bad
behavior- child will “up the ante” until the
parent gives in
Natural Consequences
These work well because child is able to
see a link between the behavior and the
consequence.
– “Well, we can’t watch The Lion King tonight
because you didn’t cooperate with your bath,
and now it is time for bed!”
– “I know you wanted to go to the mall with your
friends, but you didn’t do your homework after
school. I guess we’ll have to do it now,
instead of going to the mall.”
Incentive Economies
Sticker charts, token economy
– Child needs to receive the sticker/token as soon as
the task is completed in order to link the positive
behavior with the reward
– May choose to take tokens away when behavior is
bad.
– Child should be encouraged to exchange tokens for
previously agreed upon rewards
– The older the child, the longer they can wait for the
reward- may chose to work toward bigger things.
Grounding
Generally best to take away privileges for
a time-limited period, and to be clear about
the timeframe.
Take away privileges that are going to be
meaningful to the child (computer, cell
phone, time with friends).
Younger children do not benefit from
taking away privileges for extended
periods of time
Limit Setting
Preschool
– Consequences need to be immediate for child to link
them to the bad behavior (time out can be done on a
mat in a store)
– Time out ~1min/year of age
Latency
– Children can begin to delay gratification with incentive
programs
Adolescence
– Enforce limits for safety, but allow the adolescent to
take on increasing responsibility as he/she is able to
demonstrate ability to make good choices.
Once the consequence has been
enforced, and you’ve had a conversation
about why the behavior was not
acceptable, let it go.
It is generally not helpful to keep bringing
up the incident in the future
Make it clear that the behavior is
problematic, but that does not change your
love for him/her.
Be Patient
Changes may not be immediately
apparent
Bad behavior may escalate in the short
term as child tries to see if they can
persuade you to give in
Stay firm, consistent, and child’s behavior
WILL begin to adapt over time.
Bottom Line
Allow your child to make mistakes and learn
from them (within reason)
Model good self-regulation strategies
Teach your child to fight his/her own battles and
solve his/her own problems
Teach your child to delay gratification. Teach the
value of money, and the importance of hard
work
Teach your child to live with the consequences
of decisions
When to seek help
There are two emergencies in child
psychiatry
– Child falls off his/her developmental trajectory
Not attending school
No meaningful social relationships
– Acute safety concerns
Suicidal ideation
Homicidal ideation
psychosis
When to seek help
Academic concerns that do not improve
with increasing structure, organizational
strategies
Prolonged periods of depressed mood,
labile mood, overwhelming anxiety
Weight loss, preoccupation with food
Seek help immediately for acute safety
concerns (suicidality, homicidal ideation,
psychosis)
Acknowledgements
Eugene Beresin, MD
Paula Rauch, MD
Steve Schlozman, MD
Michael Jellinek, MD
Laura Prager, MD
Bruce Masek, PhD
Joseph Biederman, MD
Susan Swick, MD
Paul Hammerness, MD
Steve Ablon, MD