I Still Haven’t Found
What I’m Looking For
Feraco
Search for Human Potential
13 September 2011
I have climbed highest mountains, I have run through
the fields,
Only to be with you…Only to be with you…
I have run, I have crawled, I have scaled these city walls,
Only to be with you…Only to be with you…
…But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…
I have kissed honey lips, felt the healing in her
fingertips
It burned like a fire, this burning desire
I have spoken with the tongue of angels, I have held the
hand of a devil
It was warm in the night, I was cold as a stone…
…But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…
I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one, bleed into one…
But, yes, I'm still running
You broke the bonds and you loosed the chains
Carried the cross of my shame
You know I believe it…
…But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…
Paul David Hewson (Bono)
Rhyme and Reason
 In a book that’s so concerned with
questions of identity and meaning –
who am I, why am I here, and what
should I be doing? – something as
simple as Siddhartha’s name serves as
an entry point for our analysis.
 Most authors put a great deal of
thought into their characters’ names.
 Some, such as Pete Docter (the writerdirector of Up), choose names with
personal meaning and resonance
 Those who know that Docter named his
youngest daughter Ellie watch his film
from a very different perspective
Catty Cady
 Others, such as Fyodor Dostoevsky in Crime and
Punishment, use names to underscore themes or
symbolic concerns, with the name’s
sound/definition either reflecting that
character’s arc or personality or underscoring
the author’s main message(s).
 Dostoevsky dubs his main character Raskolnikov,
a nifty variation on the Russian word for divided
– a great moniker for a man whose personality
swings wildly between extremes, to the point
that he seems like two different men in the same
body.
 Mean Girls actually has a pretty neat example of
this as well: everyone mispronounces Cady as
“Catty,” then shrugs her off when she tries to
correct them.
 This is appropriate for a girl with some serious
identity issues (for one reason or another, no one
knows who she really is), and when she begins
changing into someone who’s…well, catty…the
name fits even more effectively.
Wikipedia Mashups
 As it so happens, Hermann Hesse’s character
names also reflect the characters’ purposes,
personalities, or fates.
 Take, for example, Siddhartha, our eponymous
protagonist.
 A quick Wikipedia check – always a wonderful
and reliable source of academic knowledge –
reveals the meanings of “Sidd” and “artha” in
Sanskrit.
 A compound of “Sidd” can mean “fulfilled” or
“accomplished”; a compound of “artha” can
mean “aim” or “wealth.”
 Combining the two into “Siddhartha” leaves
one with “wealth of the fulfilled aim.”
 In other words, he who searches correctly and
patiently (“aim”) will eventually find what he
seeks (“fulfilled” and “wealth”).
 The traditional meaning of Siddhartha is less
literal – “he who has achieved his aims,” or “he
who is victorious” – but otherwise similar.
Consider the Following
 If, as our Freakonomics selection in Nice to
Know You jokingly suggests, naming has
some sort of impact on our destiny – or if we
follow the Crime and Punishment approach –
Siddhartha’s name indicates that he
eventually finds what he’s looking for for,
whatever it may be.
 (You’ll just have to keep reading to find out what it
is.)
 But this explanation for his name is too
simple.
 Consider the following:
 The historical Siddhartha Gautama founded
Buddhism.
 The Siddhartha we follow throughout the story is
not the historical Siddhartha Gautama.
 Our Siddhartha does, in fact, meet the Buddha
himself; in the Rosner translation, the Buddha is
referred to as Gotama.
Why Focus on the Nobody?
 Why bother naming your character
Siddhartha if he’s not the Buddha?
 Let’s be honest: at the end of the day,
which guy is going to be leading the
more impressive life – our protagonist,
or one of the greatest spiritual
leaders to ever walk the earth?
 Shouldn’t we be reading about the second
guy?
 Why focus on the nobody?
 In order to understand why
Siddhartha and Gotama play separate
roles in the book, it’s important to
understand first who the Buddha was,
and why he was important.
Self-Generated
 For one thing, the historical Siddhartha
Gautama (henceforth referred to as
Gautama/Gotama for clarity’s sake) is a
human being, not a superhuman, deity, or
immortal.
 Moreover, the Buddha is not perceived as a
god, particularly not in a way analogous to
Christian worship of God and Christ.
 Rather, Gautama/Gotama is simply a man who
finds what he set out to look for: a greater
spiritual truth.
 The idea that an individual could find peace –
true peace – over the course of a normal
human lifespan is incredibly inspirational to
many, and Gautama/Gotama’s achievement is
all the more noteworthy because it’s selfgenerated: he found what he searched for on
his own.
The Silence and the Emptiness
 Thus Gautama/Gotama represents
independent spiritual fulfillment, which
people can search for over the course of a
lifetime…and never find.
 Just look at Mother Teresa, someone whose
life’s work revolved around faith.
 She firmly believed that God existed, and
that He did his work through her.
 But as revealed following the controversial
release of her private letters after her death,
Mother Teresa felt very much removed from
the deity she worshipped.
Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me,
the silence and the emptiness is so great that
I look and do not see, listen and do not hear.
Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me?
The Child of your Love – and now become as the most
hated one – the one – You have thrown away as
unwanted – unloved.
I call, I cling, I want – and there is no One to answer –
no One on Whom I can cling – no, No One. – Alone…
Where is my Faith – even deep down right in there is
nothing, but emptiness & darkness – My God – how
painful is this unknown pain – I have no Faith – I
dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in
my heart – & make me suffer untold agony.
So many unanswered questions live within me afraid
to uncover them – because of the blasphemy – If
there be God – please forgive me – When I try to
raise my thoughts to Heaven – there is such
convicting emptiness that those very thoughts
return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul.
I am told God loves me – and yet the reality of
darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that
nothing touches my soul.
Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the
Call of the Sacred Heart?
Seek, Crave, Reject
 In Mother Teresa’s private pain, we see why
so many admire Gautama/Gotama.
 By finding that which he sought, by filling
the silence with something, he has
essentially completed himself – fulfilling his
potential in the process.
 We see that Gautama/Gotama has already
achieved what Siddhartha seeks, as well as
obtained the knowledge and sense of peace
that the younger man craves.
 Yet Siddhartha rejects the opportunity to
learn from the master, arguing that he must
discover what he seeks himself in order for it
to have personal meaning for him.
 (In this, I find we are similar – at least with respect
to my feelings regarding faith and “gravitation.”)
An Unfinished Product
 In many ways, Siddhartha represents a
fundamental contradiction: he knows
everything in the world as he knows it (the
village), yet he knows nothing.
 This is why Siddhartha has been denied a last
name, and why Gautama/Gotama has been
given nothing else: the latter man is a
finished product, and our protagonist is
woefully raw and unfinished.
 The implication, then, is that he will someday
walk a path that’s similar to
Gautama/Gotama’s, one where he not only
finds what he’s looking for, but generates the
solution himself.
 Thus we’ve covered two of the factors that
most influenced Hesse’s choice for his main
character’s name: the meaning of the word’s
components and the importance of its
“incompleteness.”
Fighting Destiny
 Yet there is another reason for the
name: a parallel between Siddhartha
and Gautama/Gotama that Hesse
recognized as he wrote.
 At birth, Gautama/Gotama was
predicted to realize one of two
destinies: he would either become a
great king or a spiritual leader.
 His father, a king himself, was
determined to prevent his son from
becoming a religious leader.
 He reasoned that the best way to keep
Gautama/Gotama from turning to that
path was to shield him from human
suffering: if my son never knows pain,
and never knows of others’ suffering,
he will never turn from the throne.
Discovering Misery
 Consequently, Gautama/Gotama stayed
within the confines of his family’s
royal estate and property, knowing
nothing of illness, sadness, or death.
 But when he finally went out into the
world at the age of twenty-nine, he
caught his first glimpses of ordinary
peoples’ pain: decline, misery, poverty,
sickness – and yes, even death.
 This resulted in a profound change in
his philosophy.
 (The king’s worst fears were realized.)
Everything…
 Siddhartha walks the same path as the man
who would become the Buddha – the path to
realization, to awareness of a larger world.
 By discovering pain outside of his sheltered
village world – just as Gautama/Gotama did –
Siddhartha will grow more aware of
interconnectedness, of the essential unity of
existence.
 This is one of the book’s fundamental ideas:
that everything changes, everything repeats,
everything is connected.
 Clearly, the name wasn’t simply meant to
foreshadow Siddhartha’s fate; it was also
meant to directly recall his spiritual
predecessor…a man whose guidance
Siddhartha dismisses as firmly as his own
father’s.
Hubristic
 If this strikes you as arrogant, foolish, or
hubristic – like a young basketball player
responding to a tutoring offer from Kobe
Bryant with “No thanks, I’m good” – I can’t
entirely disagree.
 By forsaking the Buddha’s guidance,
Siddhartha loses his best friend, veers from
an easy road, and commits himself to
genuine human existence – a lifetime of
uncertainty and discovery.
 I’m not sure whether that’s a wise choice,
and I’m certain that Siddhartha has no idea
how vulnerable he’s left himself by making
it.
 Without a teacher to guide him at every step
of the way, he risks making mistakes,
suffering, and inflicting pain on others.
Exciting!
 But in casting off guidance,
Siddhartha opens himself to new,
exciting possibilities.
 It may be a foolish decision, but
it’s not a decision someone who
lacks courage can make.
 For better or for worse,
Siddhartha is brave, strong in his
convictions, and determined to
fulfill his potential.
 His journey should make for
interesting reading, no?