The Natives
By Cat Jones
1
Characters
STEVEN – a young man
JEZ – a young man
SWANN – a citizen and a bird
ZENKA – a young woman
KONRAD – a young man
Played by the same actors as the above:
STE’S MUM
CLERK
POLICEMAN
GIRL
MR B.
2
Scene 1
Song – 'It's All Going to the Dogs'
SWANN
I don't recognise this place,
I don't recognise this place,
The changes came at such a pace
That I don't recognise this place.
STE/JEZ
There's never been a good time to be old,
But now is not a good time to be young.
Life is over before it's begun,
Now is not a good time to be young.
KONRAD
It's all in decline, it's all in decay.
It's all in decline, it's all in decay.
It's all in decline, it's all in decay.
It's all in decline, it's all in decay.
ZENKA
There's only ever bad news, on the television,
Only ever bad news, on the television,
Only ever bad news, on the television,
Only ever bad news, on the television.
ALL
That's how we know that it's all going to the dogs.
That's how we know that it's all going to the dogs.
That's how we know that it's all going,
Do you remember when things were good?
No, neither do we,
It's all going to the dogs.
SWANN
I heard that they might know who's to blame,
I heard that they probably know who's to blame,
I heard they definitely, definitely know who's to blame.
KONRAD
It's all in decline, it's all in decay.
It's all in decline, it's all in decay.
It's all in decline, it's all in decay.
It's all in decline, it's all in decay.
ZENKA
There's only ever bad news on the television,
Only ever bad news, on the television,
Only ever bad news, on the television,
Only ever bad news, on the television.
ALL
That's how we know that it's all going to the dogs.
That's how we know that it's all going to the dogs.
3
That's how we know that it's all going,
Do you remember when things were good?
No, neither do we,
It's all going to the dogs.
SWANN
We know that we've said it all before,
But things are worse than they've ever been before,
Not only are we going to the dogs,
But this time we might actually get to the dogs.
These are dog days,
STE/JEZ
And dogs bite,
KONRAD
We're dog-tired,
ZENKA
Of dogged lives and
ALL
That's how we know that it's all going to the dogs.
That's how we know that it's all going to the dogs.
That's how we know that it's all going,
Do you remember when things were good?
No, neither do we,
It's all going to the dogs.
Scene 2
STEVEN addresses the audience.
STEVEN
You see they give you this form
That you have to fill in,
Which I don't know where to begin.
Coz my mum normally
Does it for me–
STE'S MUM
–I write the bloody thing.
But I’m off with my bloke–
STEVEN
–And I’m broke,
On my own,
Fuck all credit on my phone.
So I do it alone.
STE'S MUM
Jesus.
STEVEN
Nah, I do it properly,
4
Get goin' there's no stoppin’ me.
Spend so long
I have to rush with it,
Leg it to the bus with it,
To make Job Centre Plus with it.
And I give it to the woman
At the desk, with the suit
And the breasts
And the forms and the tests
For the chavs she detests.
And she looks it over,
Turns it over,
Then I see her eyebrows lower,
And she starts to read it back to me,
Like she wants to make a twat of me.
CLERK
Question one:
What have you done
This week to find a job?
‘This week I have been thinking
What I would like to be.’
STEVEN
Coz I’ve never really thought about it,
No one’s ever asked about it.
I’ve got one shot at life
And I don’t seem to have a say about it.
So today
There’s my say,
There in black and white,
How I’d like my life to play.
But she just frowns,
Says:
CLERK
These are aspirations.
What I need is applications
For posts you know are vacant,
If you want your weekly payment.
STEVEN
But how can I apply
For a job I might be shit at?
For a job that I won't stick at?
For a job I'll phone in sick at?
Coz I shouldn’t of applied for it,
When I couldn’t see me likin' it,
Or spendin’ my whole life at it.
5
But she says:
CLERK
Look love, I’m not being funny,
Tick the boxes, take the money.
Because I haven't really got the time
For you and your philosophising,
Procrastinating, navel gazing.
I've got a queue of people waiting.
STEVEN
And she’s gettin' pissed off,
I can hear it in her voice,
When she starts bangin' on
About–
CLERK
–The luxury of choice.
Beggars can't be choosers,
STEVEN
She says.
CLERK
Do you see what I'm getting at?
STEVEN
And I answer: Yes
But then I tell her:
I never chose to be a beggar,
Who would choose to be a loser
If they got the choice of better?
And it's not hot in there
But she's gone all feverish,
Got this blotchy red rash
Spreadin’ right down her cleavage.
And all I can think is: Take off yer clothes
So I can see where it goes.
Is it fast past yer fanny now
And down to yer toes?
And I shudda just thought it
But I was ragin’ so I said it.
Got my arse thrown out,
My account not in credit.
STEVEN is physically ejected from the Job Centre.
So it’s off to find some Happy Hour Power.
Off to the pub,
Then on to the club.
6
For some
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
The other cast members create a club. They dance.
Song – 'Drink Dance Fight Fuck'
ALL
Drink, dance,
Drink, dance, drink-fight-fuck.
Drink, dance,
Drink, dance, drink-fight-fuck.
Drink, dance,
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
The clubbers dance around STEVEN like he's the hottest thing on the dance floor.
STEVEN
I'm movin' and groovin', I'm feelin' the track,
I'm like Billy fucking Elliot on half-an-ounce of crack,
Like a bloody fuckin' idiot wearin' a chip hat,
While walkin' on the sea front,
The birds all goin' mad.
Everybody knows the words and everybody sings,
Everyone is someone here, everyone's a king,
All sweatin' like a fat man on a fun run in the heat,
But it's cheap to keep yer liquids up,
It's buy one get one free.
ALL
Buy one, get one free.
Buy one, get one free.
Buy one, get one free.
Please drink, responsibly.
Drink, dance,
Drink, dance, drink-fight-fuck.
Drink, dance,
Drink, dance, drink-fight-fuck.
Drink, dance,
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
STEVEN dances provocatively with a girl.
STEVEN
It's like they've chopped my hands off,
7
Locked me in a sweet shop,
No try before you buy
When yer eyein' up the tit tops.
Tryin' to keep my mitts off,
Stop her gettin' pissed off,
The rocket in my pocket's
Just gone flyin' into lift off.
STEVEN touches the girl up. She goes to throw her drink at him but in a flash STEVEN
turns nasty and looks like he might hit her.
STEVEN
Oi!
The beat cuts out. The dancing stops. Everyone stares at STEVEN. Noticing that he's
being watched, his aggression falls away and he smiles.
STEVEN
Don't waste it!
STEVEN takes the drink from her and downs it. The music/dancing resumes.
GIRL
I have got a brain you know.
ALL
Get yer brains out,
Get yer brains out,
Get yer brains out for the lads!
Get yer brains out for the lads!
Drink, dance,
Drink, dance, drink-fight-fuck.
Drink, dance,
Drink, dance, drink-fight-fuck.
Drink, dance,
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
STEVEN staggers around aggressively, squaring up to people etc.
STEVEN
(drunkenly) And soon I'm pissed,
Seein' red mist,
Puttin' you fuckers
On my fuckin' lit shist.
(corrects himself) Shit list.
Why’s there always one bloke can’t take his booze?
If you don’t know who it is then it's probably–
ALL
YOU!
8
STEVEN is ejected as though from a nightclub. He wanders around drunk. He takes a
piss.
STEVEN
Rantin' and chantin',
POLICEMAN No pissing in public!
STEVEN
Mutterin', splutterin', splatterin' sick.
The Job Centre says I’m a philosopher, officer.
POLICEMAN Well I say that you’re a dick!
STEVEN
We’ve met before.
POLICEMAN We could’ve done,
But you look like every other bum
That I handcuff and headlock
And drag from the slum.
The shit de la shit,
And the scum de la scum.
STEVEN
Nah, last week at your house,
I saw you there.
When I was done with yer mum,
Think we passed on the stairs.
She’s old but she’s gold,
A tight hold I swear.
I slipped her and tipped her,
I like to be fair.
The POLICEMAN lunges for STEVEN.
POLICEMAN You little shit,
You want some aggro?
I’ll kick your arse,
STEVEN dodges him.
STEVEN
Nah, kiss my ASBO!
ALL
Drink, dance,
Drink, dance, drink-fight-fuck.
Drink, dance,
Drink, dance, drink-fight-fuck.
Drink, dance,
Drink, dance, drink-fight-fuck.
9
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
Scene 3
JEZ addresses the audience. He wears a supermarket uniform with name badge and
bow tie.
JEZ
Mr Blackshaw says he sees my potential.
Says I’ll either be a leader,
Or a bleeder in a jail cell.
Says:
MR B.
You’re plain untamed,
But I think you’ve half a brain cell.
I’ll unleash it and teach it,
On condition you behave well.
JEZ
And he makes me:
Deputy. Shadow. Assistant. Manager.
To be.
A bit long for the name badge,
So they just put Trainee.
But it’s me,
And it’s mine–
MR B.
–With a pay rise in time,
If you’re on your toes,
And you tow the line.
To make a life in the supermarket,
Make the supermarket your life:
Love her like a lover,
But respect her like a wife.
JEZ
He always says that,
Yeah… he’s a twat,
But he’s given me a chance,
And I’m grateful for that.
And I was payin’ it back,
I was breakin’ my back,
Workin' the shit shifts
To pick up the slack.
In early, out late,
10
No clock watchin' crap.
No textin' or messin',
Or smokin' out back.
Song – 'Graft'
JEZ
I walked these floors,
I mopped these floors,
Picked chewing gum up off these floors,
Did some training 'bout my flaws,
Like managers in all great stores.
I learnt where all the products go,
Which sell fast and which sell slow,
What's on buy one get one free,
What's the health and safety policy.
I barely see the staff room,
Coz I'm too busy grafting,
And grafting,
And grafting,
And grafting.
They tell me that
With graft,
You can be anything.
With graft,
You can be a fucking king.
With graft,
Well, maybe not a king, but something.
Yes, you can be anything,
Apart from the things you cannot be.
Yes, you can be anything,
Apart from the things you cannot be.
I been a shelf stacker,
Crate packer,
Goods bagger,
Stock taker,
Tea maker,
Trolley getter,
Granny greeter,
You got to learn all jobs if you want to be the leader.
I always go the extra mile,
And then I go an extra mile,
11
An extra hour, an extra smile,
An extra arse kiss, yeah that's fine.
But there's no time for living,
I'm too busy giving,
And giving,
And giving,
And giving.
They tell me that
With graft,
You can be anything,
With graft,
You can be a fucking king,
With graft,
Well, maybe not a king, but something.
Yes, you can be anything,
Apart from the things you cannot be.
Yes, you can be anything,
Apart from the things you cannot be,
Yes, you can be anything.
You don't need money,
Don't need schooling.
Apart from those jobs do need schooling,
And some schooling does cost money,
But you don't need a good start in the suburbs,
Don't need luck,
And you don't need favours,
And you don't need leg-ups.
All you really need's a bit of elbow grease and graft.
I'm making something of myself,
With graft.
I'm rising up to every test,
With graft.
I haven't put a foot wrong yet,
With graft.
Then I get our Steven's text,
With graft.
STEVEN
Your cousin’s in the car park.
JEZ
That’s all it says.
12
He’s not even my cousin.
His mum’s my mum’s mate,
And I called her Aunty until I was eight–
Teen.
So I don’t know why I go out,
It’s not as if I owe him 'owt,
It’s not as if I know him now.
I suppose I go to throw him out.
And he’s all stagger and swagger,
And he’s steamin’ and smokin’,
Tryin’ to get a trolley free
Without a fuckin’ token.
He says:
STEVEN
I’ve missed yer Jez,
I’ve missed you and me.
JEZ
Then he clocks my name badge,
STEVEN
Who the fuck is Jeremy?
JEZ
And I explain,
My profession
Is about image projection.
STEVEN
You’re a trolley wally man,
Don’t get an erection.
Yer comin’ with me,
JEZ
And he’s got the trolley free.
STEVEN
We’re savin' the nation,
We’re chasin' a dream.
STEVEN rushes off with the trolley.
JEZ
You shouldn’t take the trollies out of the car park. Steven! Ste!
JEZ follows.
Scene 4
ZENKA is listening to the radio. She sings along with the song that is playing.
13
ZENKA
Oh Polonia, I rode the aeroplane.
Oh Polonia, my ticket was only one way.
Oh Polonia, they misspelt my name,
Oh Polonia, I won't be home again.
KONRAD enters. He switches off the music.
ZENKA
I was listening to that.
ZENKA switches it back on. KONRAD switches it off again.
KONRAD
You were listening to that,
You and every other flat.
They were screaming at the ceiling
And you couldn’t hear that?
ZENKA
I was lost in the music.
KONRAD
Have you actually gone mad?
We’ll be out on the streets
And I think you’ll be glad.
Song – 'The Landlord Sleeps Best'
These people, our neighbours,
They come in all flavours,
But all of them creepers
And none of them ravers.
And you noisy speakers
Do none of us favours,
When we're trying to keep us,
Under the radar.
Somali's overhead,
Sleeping five to a bed,
They whisper their goodnights
As quiet as the dead.
And the Pakis next door
In Little Lahore,
Deaden their footsteps
With rugs on the floor.
Even the Paddies,
Frisky on whiskey,
Fuck in half voice
And finish it quickly.
Coz we’ve one thing in common,
14
A truth that we share,
That the landlord detests
Foreign sounds in the air,
That the landlord ejects
Foreign crowds from the stairs,
That the landlord sleeps best,
When he don’t know we’re there.
KONRAD
So we've learnt the art of fitting in,
ZENKA
You've learnt the art of fading in,
KONRAD
It's about appearing flexible,
ZENKA
You've made yourself invisible,
KONRAD
Improve your attitude,
ZENKA
Live a life of gratitude?
Love a life of servitude?
KONRAD
If that's the life they offer you.
ZENKA
You creep to work at dead of night,
To mop their floors and wipe their shite,
You work in silence, dress in white,
You're gone by daylight.
Coz we've one thing in common,
A truth that we share,
That the people detest
Foreign sounds in the air,
That the people reject
Foreign crowds everywhere,
That the people sleep best,
When they don’t know we’re there.
Oh Polonia, I rode the aeroplane.
Oh Polonia, my ticket was only one way.
Oh Polonia, they misspelt my name,
Oh Polonia, I won't be home again.
ZENKA/
KONRAD
Coz we’ve one thing in common,
A truth that we share,
That the landlord detests
Foreign sounds in the air,
15
That the landlord ejects
Foreign crowds from the stairs,
That the landlord sleeps best,
When he don’t know we’re there.
KONRAD notices the magazine.
KONRAD
You sit in here for days alone,
And fill your head with sounds of home,
And tales from home
That just upset you.
But where does all this pining get you?
You’re here Zenka,
You need to accept it,
And all this shit,
You need to forget it.
Coz stories that come from far away
Are fairy tales and child’s play.
You eat them like sweets,
All sugar and rot.
Then weep in your sleep
For places you're not.
ZENKA
Better that than just forgetting your home Konrad. Better than
forgetting who you are.
KONRAD
This is home for me,
Or at least I’m trying to make it be.
You should get outside once in a while,
Talk to people,
Fake a smile.
Learn the language,
It won’t hurt you,
Your mother tongue won’t just desert you.
ZENKA
You see you’re just like them out there aren’t you Konrad? You
assume that because I don’t speak English that I can’t speak English.
But I choose not to speak English and do you want to know why?
KONRAD
Go on.
ZENKA
(EastEnders Cockney) Ricky! Bianca! Family! Wanker! ‘ello my name is
Zenka.
It sounds like a deranged cat and it tastes like shit in my mouth.
16
And anyway there’s no point to me speaking it. I’ll be going home
soon enough.
KONRAD
Oh yes, when the baby is born,
And melts Mama’s insides.
And Hell freezes over,
Pigs take to the skies.
ZENKA
Mama isn’t cold Konrad. When I put her grandson in her arms she’ll
fall in love with him and the fact that he wasn’t made how she
would’ve liked will no longer matter.
KONRAD
You’ll arrive home with a screaming brat,
It’s quite a souvenir is that.
She’ll be expecting a spree from duty free,
Watch her have a heart attack.
ZENKA
She always wanted a grandchild.
KONRAD
But she wanted a son-in-law long before it,
You really think she’ll learn to ignore it?
She’s late in age and set in her ways,
And whatever you say she’ll never adore it.
ZENKA
You’re wrong about her.
KONRAD
I just hope you make it clear
That this didn’t happen here.
I don’t want to share the shame of it,
Or help you bear the blame for it.
I’ve felt Mama’s wrath before
And I won’t repeat the pain of it.
ZENKA
You’re such a good brother aren’t you Konrad? Covering your back.
You used to be different. You used to be kind.
KONRAD
This is being kind,
I am being kind,
By telling the truth
That you’ve cried your eyes blind.
That odes from home
Have softened your mind,
Rose tinted a life
That was nothing but grind.
You take your boy home
17
And he’ll grow up like us:
Pitiful and penniless.
ZENKA
Poor in pounds but rich in love.
KONRAD
We both know that it’s not enough.
And think of the years of jeers and tears,
Of 'Bastard boy' and other sneers.
Well everyone’s a bastard here,
So no one bats an eyelid here.
ZENKA
You don’t even talk like my brother anymore. Have you forgotten
your own language completely?
KONRAD
Of course not.
ZENKA
Speak it then. Prove you still can.
KONRAD
There’s little point in saying words
In a place they have no worth,
So I put them away,
For a different day,
A lesson you could learn.
ZENKA
Mama thinks you have a real job here.
KONRAD
Mama knows what I do.
ZENKA
She knows you clean but she thinks you clean surgical knives and
needles, not floors and bedpans. She thinks you’re a nurse in waiting.
KONRAD
I am.
ZENKA
How much have you saved for your course Konrad? After three years
of slaving and saving? How much do you actually have to show for it?
Poor Mama. Every day she thinks she’ll get word that you’ve swapped
the white uniform for a blue one.
But stories that come from far away,
Are fairy tales and child’s play.
She eats them like sweets,
All sugar and rot.
Then weeps in her sleep,
For a man that you’re not.
18
KONRAD exits.
Scene 5
At the river.
STEVEN hands JEZ a photo.
STEVEN
Look at this photo Jez,
Tell me what you see.
JEZ
My mum, my dad,
Your mum, you, and me.
STEVEN
And what are we doin’ Jez?
JEZ
We’re walkin' by the river.
STEVEN
The very spot we’re stood on now,
But all of us together.
And look how little we are Jez,
And how much hair yer dad has.
You look hot shit,
In yer United kit,
A proper little bad ass.
JEZ
And we’re feedin’ the swans,
I remember it like yesterday,
One pecked my hand
And Dad shooed the rest away.
They were tall as we were,
Some were taller,
Loud and lairy.
Dad put me on his shoulders
When it all got too scary.
STEVEN
You miss yer dad Jez,
I do too,
Maybe not as much as you,
But he were as close a dad
As I ever had,
A bloody good one too.
JEZ
Why are we here Ste?
19
STEVEN
The photo.
I couldn’t stop lookin’ at it,
Couldn’t work out why I’m struck by it.
But then I saw it.
We used to feed the swans,
But there ain't been swans down here for years,
So where have they all gone?
So I ask that little kid, Smithy, next door,
Coz he’s always here, fishin’ for trout,
And he looks at me like I’m soft in the head,
Tells me to figure it out.
So I Chinese burn him
Til he’s fuckin’ squirmin’,
Stamp on him like vermin,
Grab his nose and tweak it till he shrieks it:
'Your Polak takes a swan,
To kill it, cook it, eat it.'
And I’m like 'Don’t talk daft',
But he just repeats it.
'Your Polak sees a swan
And he kills it, cooks it, eats it.'
And it’s true too.
JEZ
Says who?
STEVEN
Everyone knows all about it,
Met at the Town Hall about it,
Almost had a brawl about it,
Some folks are so sore about it.
So I’ve been comin' down here,
Every day just hangin’ round here,
And you wanna know what I’ve found here?
JEZ
Go on.
STEVEN
After years of thefts
And twisted necks
And feathers ripped from breasts,
The swans are gone,
Apart from one,
Just one, that’s all that’s left.
Did you hear what I said?
Jez?
20
JEZ
The swans are dead,
I couldn't care less
If they died deep fried, or stewed to death,
Or they got a disease,
Or fuckin’ fleas,
Or stoned to death
By shits like me.
Song – 'It Matters'
STEVEN
It matters,
I dunno why it should,
But it does,
It's like a fist in the gut,
That I wasn't bracing for.
It matters,
I can't explain,
What goes on in my brain,
Now I know something's gone
That was there before.
It matters,
Because lately I've been raging,
Too many heads want caving in,
And you're not there to stop me.
If the drink no longer numbs it,
Then what I'm taking from it is,
It matters,
We could be,
You and me,
Like we were,
'Gainst the world,
We were kings,
We were something back then,
And we could be again.
It matters,
I was a dog straining the lead,
But now if I got free,
I'd not know where to run to,
And It leaves me with the feeling that
This has to have a meaning,
So it matters.
21
As a kid time can't pass quick enough,
You just want to be a grown up,
But it's such a fucking let down,
It leaves me with the feeling
That this has to have a meaning,
And it leaves me with the feeling
That my no-good life has meaning.
Jez?
JEZ
I’m pretty sure I can live without ‘em,
Coz I’ve never even thought about ‘em,
Not until you talked about ‘em,
Got all fuckin’ Bill Odie about ‘em.
STEVEN
You see this looks like Jez in front of me,
But it’s a name-badged runt called Jeremy.
A shame-faced cunt
Who’s forgotten where he started,
Who’s forgotten that his dad died broken-hearted.
JEZ
My dad died of a heart attack.
STEVEN
Six months after he got the sack,
Six months after they sent him to dole land,
Turned this town into fuckin’ Poland,
Left our mums scrapin’ at Pound Land,
While we stood watchin’ them rapin’ a proud land.
Now you can stack shelves
With the other clueless louts,
Or re-stack the odds,
Do somethin’ that counts.
I’m savin’ this swan Jez,
With or without yer,
But I’ve always looked up to yer,
Don’t make me doubt yer.
KONRAD enters. He doesn’t see STEVEN and JEZ. He is smoking and singing the same
folk song that he made ZENKA turn off. STEVEN and JEZ listen and watch before
STEVEN approaches.
STEVEN
Evenin’ mate,
You’re out late.
Lost yer tongue have yer?
Forgot yer way?
22
If you’re needin’ directions,
I got some suggestions,
The homeland Poland’s that direction.
When you reach the beach
No hesitatin’,
Just front fuckin’crawl to yer destination.
STEVEN laughs. KONRAD laughs. KONRAD goes to leave. STEVEN stops him.
So what brings you here this evenin’?
Ain't walkin’ weather,
It’s fuckin’ freezin’,
So maybe there’s another reason.
What could that be?
JEZ
Leave it Steven.
STEVEN
(mimics) Leave it Steven,
Leave it Steven,
What am I doin’ Jez?
What am I leavin'?
I’m havin' a chat
With Polak Jack,
We’re killin’ time and chewin’ fat.
I can’t see any foul in that.
(to KONRAD) Can you see any foul in that?
KONRAD
I’m sorry, I don’t speak English.
KONRAD’s words are Polish and STEVEN doesn’t understand him.
STEVEN
You’ll have to speak in English mate,
You do know it’s the English state?
When in Rome, fuck off home,
If you can’t learn the lingo mate.
KONRAD
I’m sorry, I don’t speak English.
STEVEN mimics the sound of KONRAD talking as he hears it – gibberish.
JEZ
Leave him alone,
He’s mindin’ his own.
STEVEN
A thousand miles from home?
If he’s out at night,
He’s up to shite,
23
Trust me, I should know.
JEZ
If he were here to hunt the swans,
He’d have some other fools with him,
Or at very least some tools with him,
Those birds are fuckin’ hooligans.
STEVEN
You reckon a knife?
JEZ
And a rope for a start,
Maybe one of them things that blows a dart,
Some gloves if he’s smart
And a carry cart.
Them birds are fat
To carry far.
STEVEN
Jez, when did you ever carry a swan?
JEZ
I didn’t,
I’m just thinkin’ of a turkey
And addin’ some on.
STEVEN
I’d have been better off bringin’ a turkey along,
More use than a goose
With a bow tie on.
JEZ
I’m just sayin’.
STEVEN
What you sayin’?
JEZ
That maybe he’s not come here slayin’.
Coz if he was,
His SWOT analysis weren’t to scale,
And in failin' to plan,
He’s plannin' to fail.
STEVEN
What the fuck Jez?
JEZ
Just somethin’ Mr Blackshaw says.
STEVEN
(to KONRAD) Empty yer pockets.
JEZ
Ste give over,
He’s done nothin' wrong,
And this is over.
STEVEN
Fuckin’ foreigners,
24
Just ignore yer.
Empty yer pockets
Or I’ll do it for yer.
JEZ
He doesn’t know English.
STEVEN
He’ll understand this.
STEVEN grabs KONRAD.
JEZ
Ste!
STEVEN
Coz the whole world understands a fist,
Gritted teeth, a face full of spit.
Even a dog can decipher a kick.
Yer not stupid are yer Jack?
Yer understand this,
STEVEN pushes KONRAD.
And yer understand that.
STEVEN slaps KONRAD.
And yer get that it’ll get more blatant,
Coz I’m not one for bein’ patient.
KONRAD empties his pockets. Hands STEVEN a phone, a wallet and a penknife.
Well fuck me,
Look what I see:
A tiny shiny sharp to shank us,
Looks like Jack has tried to skank us,
Played us like a pair of wankers.
JEZ
Jesus Steven,
Try and see reason,
Look at the fuckin’ facts.
Would you take on
A swan
With a knife the size of that?
It ain't a credible threat.
STEVEN
You want a fuckin’ bet?
JEZ
Not unless,
25
You expect
The swan to laugh himself death.
(to Konrad) Don’t pull this knife in action
‘less the reaction that yer after
Is ‘I’ll shit myself with fear
Once I’ve pissed myself with laughter’.
STEVEN
Yeah well,
At least he’s got a tool.
You got a name badge
To wave at fools.
But if that don’t work,
And you really need clout,
You could always whip yer clipboard out!
KONRAD laughs.
JEZ
Yer English gettin’ better innit?
Learnin’ new words by the minute.
(to STEVEN) I’m done with carryin’,
And you should try copyin’,
If you’ve got a blade, then bin it.
STEVEN
Have I hit a nerve?
And got you stirred?
Is the born again nerd
Missin’ his herd?
Are they livin’ it large,
And givin’ it attitude,
While you pack
Some old lady’s cat food?
And she tweaks yer cheek,
And shows her gratitude,
By tippin' a tuppence,
And making a twat of you.
JEZ
This swan shit’s
Made a twat of you,
I’m goin’ now and he should too.
I don’t give a monkey’s
About the swan.
Pluck it or fuck it,
But fuck you,
I’m gone.
26
STEVEN
Go if yer like
But Jack here’s stayin’.
The hunter’s been hunted,
It’s time to start payin’.
(to KONRAD) I reckon you know every word I’m sayin’.
I hope so for your sake,
Coz I’m not playin’.
STEVEN exits taking KONRAD with him.
JEZ hesitates then follows.
Scene 6
ZENKA addresses the audience. She is leaving a voicemail message.
Song – 'Zenka's Message'
ZENKA
I phoned tell you Mama,
About this boy of mine,
The one I dared come closer
And he didn't waste his time.
My heart, my legs fell open
Like he knew a secret code,
But I knew the one that opened his
So no one's heart got broke.
Mama, as a child,
I'd ask if you were happy,
You'd look at me so sadly,
As if the question crazy.
You spent a lifetime Mama,
Waiting for the starter's gun.
By the time you knew you'd missed it,
The race was all but done.
You would have told me, 'Marry him',
You would have asked of love,
When that wasn't quite the feeling
That I would have spoken of.
That feeling was a beast
27
In my belly, 'tween my legs,
That's wild when it's hungry
But sleeps it's fed.
Mama, as a child
I'd ask if you were happy,
You'd look at me so sadly
As if the question crazy.
You spent a lifetime, Mama
Waiting for the starter's gun,
By the time you knew you'd missed it
The race was all but done.
I ran to find my brother,
In his promised land,
It's a promise no one plans to keep,
It's all built on sand.
So I want to come home, Mama
With my belly full of babe,
Can you love us both?
Can we still be saved?
Mama, as a teenager,
I saw a secret look,
A look of disappointment,
Or that's what I mistook.
Now I think that look was green-eyed
Because my life was just beginning,
With a looser set of rules to yours,
The hope of something different.
Mama, you once told me
That it's men who make the rules,
But it's the women that enforce them,
Deliver the bad news.
There is a bleep as though ZENKA has decided to re-record her message.
ANSWERPHONE
ZENKA
To re-record your message, please speak after the tone.
Mama, I'm just phoning
To tell you all is well.
I'm happy and I'm healthy
And there's nothing new to tell.
28
Lights down.
Scene 7
SWANN is sleeping.
STEVEN, JEZ and KONRAD watch him.
STEVEN
The important thing's
To pin his wings,
And grab his beak
Before he springs.
We’ll wrap him,
To flatten
His flappin’ limbs.
Then it’s into the trolley
And off for a spin.
Jez, you take his beak.
JEZ
Oh lucky me,
So I get pecked to fuckery.
I'm yet to agree
That I'm even in
And I’m gettin' the shit jobs
Before we begin.
(of KONRAD) Fine, we'll leave the beak to him.
KONRAD
I'm sorry I don't speak–
STEVEN grabs KONRAD.
STEVEN
You’re really startin’ to take the piss.
KONRAD
OK, you're right, I do speak English,
But I fail to see the point of all this
Or how I'm even joined to all this,
You said yourself I’m just a tourist.
STEVEN
Coz it’s your lot have been eatin’ swans,
Catchin’, stabbin’, beatin’ swans,
One by one deletin’ swans.
29
JEZ
I’m sick to the pit of freakin’ swans.
KONRAD is incredulous.
KONRAD
We don’t eat swans,
Where have you heard this?
Which clueless foolish liar has slurred this?
JEZ
I told you Ste,
That Smithy’s blurred it.
STEVEN
So he denies it,
And that’s the verdict?
KONRAD
Why would we eat them?
STEVEN
Because they're free.
It's the only reason I can see.
KONRAD
But a burger is only 99p
And there's less chance of it fighting me,
Or pecking me or biting me,
Or standing the same height as me.
Your theory don't seem right to me.
JEZ
Sounds like he's talkin' shite to me.
STEVEN
Jez, don’t forget how he’s
Been tryin’ it,
Said he don’t speak English,
Kept denyin’ it.
Then suddenly
He’s got a degree in it,
Could prob’ly teach
You and me in it.
Then there’s the fact
That he’s tooled up,
Ready to ruck,
And willin’ to cut.
He's legit as shit,
A lowlife scrut,
I don't buy his lies
So he’s stayin’ put.
Pause.
30
KONRAD
And when we’ve caught the swan,
What do we do?
Go on, I’m guessing
You’ve thought it through.
STEVEN
(sarcastic) I hadn’t actually,
Thank fuck for you,
Here to tell us
What to do.
We’re gonna wheel it down the river,
Where the gardens are kept
And the houses get bigger,
And immigrants don’t even figure,
So he won’t end up some Freshy’s dinner.
KONRAD
That’s a terrible plan,
A horrible plan,
(to JEZ) I can see you agree,
So talk to your man.
STEVEN
He’s tryin’ to divide us,
He reckons he can.
He don’t know our history,
He don’t know we’re fam.
Or that your old man
Loved feedin’ these swans,
Or how he’d be feelin’
To know that they're gone.
(to KONRAD) He was a union man,
Knew right from wrong,
Protectin’ the weak
From the clique
O’ the strong.
KONRAD
I’m sure your dad was really great,
But this is shit and it is late,
And I’ve a job that will not wait,
So I’m just gonna walk away.
KONRAD goes to leave.
STEVEN
Jez!
31
JEZ
Wait!
It won’t take long
To move one swan,
And when it’s done
We’ll all move on.
KONRAD
After the struggle and trouble and risk,
To protect it from predators
That don’t exist,
To save it from a sinister myth,
Spread by know alls who’ve fuck all
To spit.
JEZ
It’s gonna take the three of us,
So whether you agree with us,
Yer gonna stay and be with us,
Unless you want some beef with us?
Pause.
KONRAD
No.
STEVEN
Your dad was fuckin’ proud of you,
And I know why, coz I am too.
JEZ
Their feathers are slick so keep yer grip true
And once we start, we see it through.
STEVEN, JEZ and KONRAD grab SWANN. It is a violent and prolonged struggle but
not necessarily a naturalistic one. It may appear more like a dance than a fight as
long as the sense of violence isn’t lost.
When the struggle concludes, SWANN has been put into the trolley. He is clearly hurt
and distressed. His arm is twisted and his mouth opens and closes soundlessly.
STEVEN, JEZ and KONRAD survey the damage.
STEVEN
He’ll be all right,
He’ll be OK,
I think we took his breath away.
KONRAD
I think we took his life away,
At least his skill for flight away.
STEVEN
He were stronger,
Fought longer
32
Than we were expectin’,
JEZ
We panicked,
And yanked him
In every direction.
KONRAD
He was fighting for life,
A natural reaction.
JEZ
I heard somethin’ snap
And it sent my gut dancin’.
STEVEN
He’s startin’ to shiver,
Let’s get him down river,
We’ll make him a bed
And find him some dinner.
KONRAD
Then watch him fade,
And wane and whither.
That swan is gone,
He won’t recover.
STEVEN
Then we’ll get a vet for him.
KONRAD
You need to start forgetting him.
There’s laws and more
Protecting him,
They’ll have us all
For wrecking him.
JEZ
I’m not goin’ down for this,
When I’ve got away with worse than this,
When I’ve learned and turned away from this,
Done squanderin’ my days like this.
ZENKA enters.
ZENKA
Konrad?
KONRAD
Zenka, what are you doing here?
ZENKA
I was coming to see you at work. What's that... a bird?
STEVEN
Who's that, yer bird?
Tell her to use English words,
Unless she wants to see you hurt.
33
KONRAD
Speak in English–
ZENKA
Yes. I heard.
She examines SWANN. She is sickened by the sight of him.
ZENKA
All bloodied and muddied,
And sullied and oozing.
KONRAD
It got out of hand,
We were trying to move him.
ZENKA
I don't understand.
JEZ
There's no way to soothe him,
We have to face facts,
We'll probably lose him.
ZENKA
He looks so miserable,
So pitiful.
KONRAD
Don't look at him.
ZENKA
It's inexplicable,
Inexcusable,
Unforgivable.
JEZ
It wasn't his fault.
ZENKA
It's still despicable.
STEVEN is stung by JEZ's implication that he is to blame.
STEVEN
Jez, this is on him,
And his blood suckin’ kin,
Comin’ and takin’
With nothin’ to bring.
ZENKA looks confused.
KONRAD
He thinks we eat swans,
That's why they're all gone,
They're what us immigrants feast upon.
ZENKA
And I guess you told him he was wrong?
34
KONRAD
Yes.
JEZ
He just kept bleatin' on.
STEVEN looks at JEZ, hurt.
STEVEN
Jez?
ZENKA
We don’t eat swans.
STEVEN
I don’t believe yer.
ZENKA
And I don’t mean we Polish,
KONRAD
Zenka just leave it.
ZENKA
I mean we the little people,
Aren’t good enough to savour,
The rare treat that's Cygnus meat,
A fair and fancy flavour.
STEVEN
People in England
Don’t eat swans,
They feed them,
And photo them,
Sat on their ponds.
ZENKA
That’s what you’re meant to think,
But it's a con,
Swans are food,
Just not for you,
Or types where you come from.
STEVEN
What?
ZENKA
The swan’s a special game bird,
That the Queen of England owns,
That she gifts to Earls and Princes,
In the very finest homes,
The centrepiece
Of splendid feasts,
Fine cheese, terrines and roasts.
If you didn’t get your invite,
Then it must be in the post.
STEVEN
Do you reckon that’s true Jez?
35
JEZ
I couldn’t care less,
But Blackshaw counts the trolleys,
So I need to sort this mess.
STEVEN
How do you even know this stuff?
KONRAD
Coz kids from our town get brought up
On a diet of second hand Englishness,
From fathers and uncles who came here before us,
Who came home twice a year and saw us,
Weighed down with English gifts they’d bought us,
And books of English words they taught us.
So before we ever came here,
It was like a second home.
We knew more about your country
Than your country people know.
ZENKA
We know more about your country
Than you people want to know.
Your blind eyes and your denials
Block the things you ought to know.
KONRAD
Zenka–
ZENKA
You see, these swans
You’d save from Polak kind,
Are no more yours
Than they are mine.
And the England down the river,
Is no more yours than it’s mine either,
With its cricket greens
And ice white teeth
And types who stick together.
STEVEN
So maybe you don’t eat them,
But you’re still here takin’ jobs.
Why am I on the dole,
When a Pole in England’s not?
ZENKA
Every day we hear this question
From people just like you,
But you don’t want us to answer it,
You wouldn’t like the truth.
STEVEN
If you know what the answer is,
36
Then I want you to answer it,
But you talk like a politician,
So yer prob’ly gonna dance round it.
A handbag in a nightclub,
You’ll pant and prance around it.
Why am I the job seeker,
When you’ve already found it?
Song – 'Welfare State'
ZENKA
Because you’re unemployable,
Because you’re unreliable,
Your brain is quite un-pliable,
So training you’s un-tryable.
The benefit of benefits
Has turned your kind of mind
To shit,
An evolution in reverse,
You're getting worse,
But can’t see it.
The safety net
Has trapped you,
Degraded you and capped you.
Your country has just scrapped you,
And the legacy outlasts you.
What a state, the welfare state,
The eat well, sleep well,
Fail well state.
What a state, the welfare state,
A docile state, a hotel state,
What a state the welfare state
The eat well, sleep well
Fail well–
Nanny’s Calpol tonic state's
A dumb fuck catatonic state.
Now the hunter-gatherer lives,
Hunting a job and gathering benefits.
Not hunting much, he’s always too off his tits,
Weak at the knees with a nose that goes in the shit.
They put a roof over your head,
Make sure your brats are clothed and fed,
Pay you a wage to sit on your arse,
37
Til your arteries clog, then they pay for the bypass.
What a state, the welfare state,
The eat well, sleep well,
Fail well state.
What a state, the welfare state,
A docile state, a hotel state,
What a state the welfare state
The eat well, sleep well
Fail well–
Nanny’s Calpol tonic state's
A dumb fuck catatonic state.
And now you’re where they want you,
Free from aspiration,
Not asking why the other guy
Got all the education.
All the opportunity,
All the elevation,
Born to succeed
And taught to lead
And guaranteed a station.
But there’ll never be a revolution,
On bellies full with fast fried chicken,
With tellies full of sweet distraction,
Pissed on liquid satisfaction.
No there’ll never be a revolution,
On bellies full with fast fried chicken,
With tellies full of sweet distraction,
Distraction.
You think you get free money,
So you smoke it, drink it, blow it,
But the price you pay
Is way too high,
And you don’t even know it.
You’ve sold your right to speak
For sixty quid a week,
They’ve bought your silence,
Your compliance,
They got it fucking cheap.
What a state, the welfare state,
The eat well, sleep well,
38
Fail well state.
What a state, the welfare state,
A docile state, a hotel state,
What a state the welfare state
The eat well, sleep well
Fail well–
I'm going home and I can't wait
So keep your stupid rotten state.
KONRAD
Please don't listen,
You're no loser,
She's brand new here,
Please excuse her.
STEVEN surveys ZENKA, intrigued by her.
STEVEN
I wouldn't much mind immigrants,
If they'd only let the women in,
Then they could let a million in,
A pool I could go swimming in.
There's this Muslim girl
Who lives near ours,
Whose hotness is right off the chart,
Even though she wears a scarf.
So I sing to her just for a laugh:
Get your ears out,
Get your ears out,
Get your ears out for the lads!
ZENKA
You really are scum.
STEVEN
So I'm told,
So often that it's gettin' old.
But English scum's like Polish gold,
STEVEN grabs his crotch and puts his arm around ZENKA.
So here's a nugget you can hold.
ZENKA tries to shrug STEVEN off but he won't be shrugged.
ZENKA
(to KONRAD) Are you really going to stand there,
While he puts his filthy hands there?
I preferred you back in Poland,
At least you were a man there.
39
KONRAD
It's best just to be friendly Zenka.
ZENKA is disgusted.
ZENKA
You let these boys abuse you,
Like it's something you're immune to.
KONRAD
It's just something you get used to.
ZENKA
Has this country so reduced you? ...Konrad?
KONRAD has nothing to say. ZENKA pulls away from STEVEN. Successfully this time.
ZENKA
Wouldn't mama be proud?
Of her son mute and cowed,
Stooping and bowed,
Like a stray puppy found.
Tipping his cap to
A miserable lout,
Practically pimping his own sister out.
STEVEN
Jez,
Can’t you hear how she's namin’ me?
Don’t you care her words are shamin’ me?
This mess is theirs but they're blamin’ me,
Like I’m the public enemy.
While STEVEN, KONRAD and ZENKA have been talking JEZ has been trying to get the
swan out of the shopping trolley. Now he succeeds in tipping the trolley over and
sending SWANN into a painful looking heap on the ground.
STEVEN
Jesus Jez!
KONRAD tries to comfort SWANN. ZENKA watches him.
ZENKA
That which is dying is already dead and rotten,
That which is going is already gone and forgotten.
ZENKA's words land with KONRAD.
STEVEN
While these two are gettin’ smart,
You’re obsessin’ with a shoppin’ cart.
There was a time no one would dis yer,
Or anybody who was with yer.
Yer name had fame
And those dismissed yer,
40
Found out what yer used yer fists for.
Yer let these fools
Make a fool of yer family,
And it don’t even make yer angry.
Where’s the Jez they said was handy?
And who’s this shockin’ fuckin' pansy?
JEZ
We’re not family me and you,
And everythin' she says is true.
Yer nowt but a bundle
Of poison and trouble,
Even my dad knew.
He always told me, keep my distance,
Said that you and me were different.
You an idiot,
Barely literate,
Gobshite, fuckin’ ignorant.
STEVEN
I don’t believe he said that Jez.
JEZ
That time I tied yer to the shed,
And beat yer till yer legs went dead,
STEVEN
Took photos when the piss patch spread.
JEZ
I only did it coz he said.
Pause.
STEVEN
Yer dad untied me, wiped my eyes,
Dug out clean clothes about my size.
Said sometimes everybody cries,
It doesn't make us lesser guys.
And my bottom lip was tremblin'
I was only just eleven,
He made me tell him everythin’,
Said he’d give yer a right leatherin’,
But I told him it's just shenanigans,
A little bit o' high jinx.
JEZ
You were always a runt that ran yer lips
And cried over the hidin’s.
Eggin' on the bigger kids,
41
Tellin' them where to throw their fists,
Wide eyed and shruggin’,
Watchin’ them sluggin’,
Then wavin’ them off to the nick.
Coz you were always shameless,
When it came to seemin’ blameless.
Keen to keep yer wrap sheet clean,
Pristine like yer trainers.
But you were usually the start of it.
STEVEN
And you always at the heart of it.
JEZ
I was always up in court for it,
Behind a prison wall for it.
I tied yer to the shed,
Coz Dad said to control yer.
Said yer Jiminy fuckin’ Cricket,
Spittin’ bullshit from my shoulder.
But I didn’t control yer did I,
And it got worse as we got older,
Yer grew like a fuckin’ tumour,
Gettin’ bigger, braver, bolder.
My dad came to Young Offenders
And he cried his fuckin’ eyes out.
Said I’m safer bein’ inside,
Coz he’d o' punched my lights out.
Yer see the police had been to see him,
Showed him photos of our night out,
The kid I scarred for life,
Coz you dared me get my knife out.
And he made me promise then
That you and me were finally done.
And tonight I broke my promise,
To go mitherin' a swan.
STEVEN
Yer dad said I were like a son.
JEZ
My dad said you were scum.
Coz no one knew
Who’s dad of you,
Not even yer own mum.
42
Said it’s a shame she never closed her legs,
Or knew soon enough about yer,
To have the doctors rip you out,
For a better world without yer.
STEVEN attacks JEZ but JEZ overpowers him with ease and threatens him with
KONRAD’s knife.
STEVEN
And you, the apple of his eye,
And you, his fuckin’ pride.
Peas in a pod,
Which makes it odd,
Yer don’t know how he died.
JEZ
What?
STEVEN
You heard me Jez,
Yer’ve been clingin’ onto lies.
I know the truth,
Unlike you,
‘Bout how yer old man died.
JEZ
My dad died of a heart attack,
Took two in fact, he wasn’t soft.
The first one took his spirit
And the second took him off.
STEVEN
Yer dad died of suicide,
And yes he had to try it twice.
First a gassin’ in the garage,
Interrupted by the wife.
JEZ
Yer talkin’ shite.
STEVEN
And you were still locked up,
So they kept it hushed up,
Two weeks later found him strung up,
They knew then they’d fucked up.
Yer mum was scared yer’d blame her,
Scared the truth would shame her,
So a hangin' became a heart attack
To family, friends and neighbours.
But yer mum knew the truth,
My mum knew it too,
43
And me practically family,
And we all kept it from you.
(of KONRAD and ZENKA) So before yer take their side
And start feelin' sorry for them,
Remember yer dad died,
To free the life insurance.
JEZ looks like he might attack STEVEN but he doesn’t. He turns to KONRAD
threateningly but doesn’t attack him either.
JEZ unleashes a knife attack upon SWANN. Not necessarily a naturalistic display but
a violent one.
Following the attack SWANN is badly injured but delivers a swan song.
Song – 'Chavs'
SWANN
Now there are many topics
Upon which Brits are divided,
There aren't too many things
On which the country is united.
But there's one thing that we all agree,
I invite you to recite with me,
Let's hear you sing it after three:
We all hate chavs!
Now the liberal folk among you
Will of course kick up a fuss,
Fan your blushes with the Guardian
While you feign a pained disgust,
But if a chav moved in next door
You'd not be seen for dust.
Book a valuation
Before house prices go bust.
Oh, we all hate chavs,
Even if we don't admit it.
We wish they wouldn't breed,
Although that makes us feel like Hitler.
We accept they must exist,
For how else would we feel superior?
We do not want them in a five mile area.
Oh, we all hate chavs,
With their clapped out cars on bricks,
Old sofas in the front yard,
44
Why not take it to the tip?
And if you pierce your baby's ear,
Then why not pierce its lip?
If you insist on wearing track suits,
Then at least lay off the chips.
Oh, we all hate chavs,
Even if we don't admit it.
We wish they wouldn't breed,
Although that makes us feel like Hitler.
We accept they must exist,
For how else would we feel superior?
We do not want them in a five mile area.
Oh, we all hate chavs,
With their warped set of values,
There's always cash for scratch cards,
But not for the kids new shoes,
For lagers in the back yard,
But never for fresh food,
Fake tan conceals the scurvy,
So it's really not an issue.
Oh, we all hate chavs,
Even if we don't admit it.
We wish they wouldn't breed,
Although that makes us feel like Hitler.
We accept they must exist,
For how else would we feel superior?
We do not want them in a five mile area.
Yes, there are many topics
Upon which Brits are divided,
There aren't too many things
On which the country is united.
But there's one thing that we all agree,
That us mugs pay P.A.Y.E
So other folks can live for free,
We all hate chavs!
The music continues as SWANN begins an old school comedy routine. The routine is
dying and so is SWANN.
SWANN
Two chavs have a fight to the death. Who wins?
Society!
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What do you call a chav at the bottom of a river?
A good start!
What do you call all the chavs at the bottom of a river?
Job done!
What do you call a chav in a white tracksuit at a wedding?
The bride!
What do you call a chav in a suit?
The accused!
How do you get ten chavs in a phone box?
Throw in a giro!
How do you get them out again?
Throw in a job application!
What’s the chav next door getting for Christmas?
Your fuckin’ bike!
What’s the difference between a chav and a turd?
One is human waste. The other’s a turd!
How do you stop chavs breeding?
It isn’t a joke, it’s a question. How do you stop them?
Any ideas?
Anyone?
Cut their benefits?
Sterilise them?
Gas them?
Anyone?
46
SWANN dies.
Scene 8
KONRAD enters to find ZENKA.
KONRAD
You’re up early.
ZENKA
I didn't go to bed. I tidied the flat.
KONRAD
It looks nice.
ZENKA
I cleaned till it gleamed,
Then I washed my mouth out.
Rinsed and swilled and gargled,
And spat the Polish words out.
I took a new voice
And talked it out loud,
In a language you like,
To make you feel proud.
In a language I’ll need,
For a job that I’ve found,
In a language I’ll speak,
To be part of the crowd.
KONRAD
Zenka.
ZENKA
And I shocked myself
How well I speak it,
I guess I’ve kept it
Like a secret,
Scared that I might start to dream in it,
Scared perhaps I’d think of keeping it.
KONRAD
Zenka, stop this.
ZENKA
You see, I’ve always known
I’ll never go home.
Birds never do
Once they’ve flown,
Nor do their babies, hatched and grown.
Their grandparents’ home
Is not their home.
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When all is said and done,
This will be the language of my son,
This will be his mother tongue,
So it should be his mother’s tongue.
KONRAD
Stop speaking like that Zenka. I don’t want you to speak like that.
ZENKA
You're sending me back?
KONRAD nods.
Song – 'Polonia'
KONRAD
This is no place for child,
This no place for a child,
A place where strangeness can be dangerous,
Is no place for a child.
This is no place for a dream,
This is no place for a dream,
A land of drink and disappointment,
It's no place for a dream.
ZENKA
Oh Polonia, I rode the aeroplane.
Oh Polonia, my ticket was only one way.
Oh Polonia, they misspelt my name,
Oh Polonia, I won't be home again.
KONRAD
This is no place for a life,
ZENKA
It's the only place I have.
KONRAD
This is no place for a life,
ZENKA
You said there's no going back.
KONRAD
They wave their fear as flags round here,
It's no place for a life.
ZENKA
Oh Polonia, I rode the aeroplane.
KONRAD
This isn't home now Zenka.
ZENKA
Oh Polonia, my ticket was only one way.
KONRAD
You're going home now Zenka.
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ZENKA
Oh Polonia, they misspelt my name,
Oh Polonia, I won’t be home again.
KONRAD
This is not a place to share,
This is not place to share,
They've taught me well and made me selfish,
I don't want to share.
ZENKA/
KONRAD
Oh Polonia, I rode the aeroplane.
Oh Polonia, my ticket was only one way.
Oh Polonia, they misspelt my name,
Oh Polonia, I won’t be home again.
KONRAD
Mama will forgive you. She’ll let you keep the baby and in time she’ll
learn to love him. He will grow up surrounded by aunties and uncles
and cousins in a town where everybody knows who he is and who he
belongs to.
ZENKA
I don’t think Mama will forgive me Konrad. And if she doesn’t, what
will happen to me then?
KONRAD
I don’t know. But there is too much ugliness here.
ZENKA
There’s ugliness everywhere.
KONRAD
But the ugliness in a foreign place is strange and worse.
ZENKA
I won't go.
KONRAD
I make barely enough to feed one mouth, let alone three.
ZENKA
It doesn't matter that you didn't defend me.
KONRAD
Pack your things, Zenka.
KONRAD exits.
Scene 9
STEVEN and JEZ are hanging out. JEZ is rolling a spliff.
JEZ
You can be anything,
STEVEN
With grass!
49
JEZ
You can be a fucking king,
STEVEN
With grass!
They laugh.
STEVEN
So this job of yours. Pays well does it?
JEZ
Not bad. Enough to buy a car any road.
STEVEN
Yeah?
JEZ
Suburu Impreza.
STEVEN
Nice.
JEZ
Prob’ly have to go back now though.
STEVEN
You reckon they’ll sack yer then?
JEZ
I walked out mid shift. And I was supposed to go to an assessment this
morning. Started forty minutes ago.
STEVEN
An assessment?
JEZ
A BTEC. Customer service. The supermarket was paying for it.
STEVEN
Shit.
You reckon they’d take me on? Now there’s a job goin’.
JEZ
Are you fuckin’ jokin?
He isn’t.
STEVEN
Yeah, course.
What do you call a scally at a job interview?
JEZ
What?
STEVEN
Lost!
STEVEN laughs too loud.
STEVEN
I’m sorry yer’ve lost yer job though.
50
JEZ
Don’t be. I fuckin’ hated it.
STEVEN
Yeah?
JEZ
About a week ago I was on my way to work. Window down. Music
pumpin’ and these girls pull up alongside me at traffic lights. Hot as
fuck. And one of them’s smilin’ and givin’ me the eye and all that.
Then I see this look on her face. Like she’s stepped in dog shit or
somethin’, but she’s not lookin’ at my face. It’s like she’s lookin’ at my
chest. And I look down thinkin’ there’s gonna be a blob of food there
or worse, some fuck off great big beetle or somethin'.
STEVEN
What was it?
JEZ
This fuckin’ uniform.
For a second she thought I was someone and I saw the moment when
she realised I wasn’t. Same moment I realised I’d never be. Not really.
JEZ gets up.
Come on.
STEVEN
Where we goin’?
JEZ
To have some fun.
Song – 'Reprise'
JEZ
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
STEVEN
Coz it doesn't matter,
JEZ
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
STEVEN
Coz it doesn't matter,
JEZ
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
ALL
That's how we know,
That it's all going to the dogs.
That's how we know,
That it's all going to the dogs.
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ZENKA/
KONRAD
ALL
Oh Polonia, I rode the aeroplane.
Oh Polonia, I won't be home again.
That's how we know,
That it's all going to the dogs.
That's how we know,
That it's all going to the dogs.
SWANN
Oh we love to hate,
Even if we don't admit it,
Oh we love to hate,
Oh we love to.
ALL
(as if clubbing) Drink, dance,
Drink, dance, drink-fight-fuck.
Drink, dance,
Drink, dance, drink-fight-fuck.
Drink, dance,
Drink, dance, drink-fight-fuck.
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
Drink. Dance. Drink-Fight-Fuck.
Lights down.
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