Hector Cintron
CIS1020-035
Relationships
April 21, 2011
Contents
Bibliography ................................................................................................................................................... I
Communication ............................................................................................................................................. 2
Respect.......................................................................................................................................................... 7
Problem solve ............................................................................................................................................. 10
Bibliography
Elizabeth Scott, M. (2010, December 10). Communicate: Improve Your Relationships With Effective
Communication Skills. Retrieved april 25, 2011, from About.com:
http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/ht/healthycomm.htm
how to a problem. (n.d.). Retrieved april 25, 2011, from wiki how: http://www.wikihow.com/Solve-aProblem
PhD, J. I. (n.d.). Have You Been Accidentally Losing Your Partner's Respect? Retrieved april 25, 2011, from
GreatRelationshipCoach.org:
http://www.greatrelationshipcoach.org/earn_your_partners_respect.html
Romantic Relationships for Teens. (n.d.). Retrieved april 25, 2011, from Palo Alto Medical Foundation:
http://www.pamf.org/teen/abc/types/romantic.html
Figure 1 ......................................................................................................................................................... 2
Figure 2 ......................................................................................................................................................... 7
Figure 3 ....................................................................................................................................................... 10
Figure 4 ....................................................................................................................................................... 13
Relationships
In thinking about the different types of relationships, it is important to realize that you can have
an intimate relationship with anyone. An intimate relationship is one in which you can truly be
yourself with someone who you respect and are respected by in return. It is an emotional
connection that can also be physical. It does not have to be in the context of a romantic or sexual
relationship in thinking about the different types of relationships, it is important to realize that
you can have an intimate relationship with anyone. An intimate relationship is one in which you
can truly be yourself with someone who you respect and are respected by in return. It is an
emotional connection that can also be physical. It does not have to be in the context of a
romantic or sexual relationship
There are three key terms for a good relationship. They are Communication, Respect, and
Problem Solve. As you read this guide you will learn to do these things in a healthy manner.1
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http://www.pamf.org/teen/abc/types/romantic.html
Communication
The first topic on our list is communication. Conflict in a
relationship is virtually inevitable. In itself, conflict isn’t a problem;
how it’s handled, however, can bring people together or tear them apart.
Figure 1
Poor communication skills, disagreements and misunderstandings can be a source of anger and
distance, or a key to a stronger relationship and happier future. Next time you’re dealing with
conflict, keep these tips on effective communication skills in mind and you can create a more
positive outcome. Here are useful skills for communication.
Stay Focused: Sometimes it’s tempting to bring up past seemingly related conflicts when
dealing with current ones. Unfortunately, this often clouds the issue and makes finding mutual
understanding and a solution to the current issue less likely, and makes the whole discussion
more taxing and even confusing. Try not to bring up past hurts or other topics. Stay focused on
the present, your feelings, understanding one another and finding a solution
Listen Carefully: People often think they’re listening, but are really thinking about what they’re
going to say next when the other person stops talking. Truly effective communication goes both
ways. While it might be difficult, try really listening to what the person is say don’t interrupt.
Don’t get defensive. Just hear them and reflect back what they’re saying so they know you’ve
heard. Then you’ll understand them better and they’ll be more willing to listen
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Try To See Their Point of View: In a conflict, most of us primarily want to feel heard and
understood. We talk a lot about our point of view to get the other person to see things our way.
Ironically, if we all do this all the time, there’s little focus on the other person’s point of view,
and nobody feels understood. Try to really see the other side, and then you can better explain
yours. (If you don't 'get it', ask more questions until you do.) Others will more likely be willing
to listen if they feel heard
Respond to Criticism with Empathy: When someone comes at you with criticism, it’s easy to
feel that they’re wrong, and get defensive. While criticism is hard to hear, and often exaggerated
or colored by the other person’s emotions, it’s important to listen for the other person’s pain and
respond with empathy for their feelings. Also, look for what’s true in what they’re saying; that
can be valuable information for you.
Own what’s yours: Realize that personal responsibility is strength, not a weakness. Effective
communication involves admitting when you’re wrong. If you share some responsibility in a
conflict (which is usually the case), look for and admit to what’s yours. It diffuses the situation,
sets a good example, and shows maturity. It also often inspires the other person to respond in
kind, leading you both closer to mutual understanding and a solution.
Use “I” Messages: Rather than saying things like, “You really messed up here,” begin
statements with “I”, and make them about yourself and your feelings, like, “I feel frustrated
when this happens.” It’s less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person
understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked.
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everybody’s needs. Either through compromise or a new solution that gives you both what you
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Look for Compromise: Instead of trying to ‘win’ the argument, look for solutions that meet
want most, this focus is much more effective than one person getting what they want at the
other’s expense. Healthy communication involves finding a resolution that both sides can be
happy with.
Take a Time-Out: Sometimes tempers get heated and it’s just too difficult to continue a
discussion without it becoming an argument or a fight. If you feel yourself or the other person
starting to get too angry, it’s okay to take a break from the discussion until you both cool off.
Sometimes good communication means knowing when to take a break.
Don’t Give Up: While taking a break from the discussion is sometimes a good idea, always
come back to it. If you both approach the situation with a constructive attitude, mutual respect,
and a willingness to see the other’s point of view or at least find a solution, you can make
progress toward the goal of a resolution to the conflict. Unless it’s time to give up on the
relationship, don’t give up on communication.
Ask for Help If You Need It: If one or both of you has trouble staying respectful during conflict,
or if you’ve tried resolving conflict with the person on your own and the situation just doesn’t
seem to be improving, you might benefit from a few sessions with a therapist. Couples
counseling or family therapy can provide help with altercations and teach skills to resolve future
conflict. If the person doesn’t want to go, you can still often benefit from going alone.
Tips
Remember that the goal of effective communication skills should be mutual understanding and
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finding a solution that pleases both parties, not ‘winning’ the argument or ‘being right’.
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This doesn’t work in every situation, but sometimes (if you’re having a conflict in a romantic
relationship) it helps to hold hands or stay physically connected as you talk. This can remind
you that you still care about each other and generally support one another.
Keep in mind that it’s important to remain respectful of the other person, even if you don’t like
their actions.
Here’s a list of common unhealthy ways to handle conflict. Do you do some of these? If so, your
poor communication skills could in your life.be causing additional stress
Conventional wisdom (and research) says that good communication can improve relationships,
increasing intimacy, trust and support. The converse is also true: poor communication can
weaken bonds, creating mistrust and even contempt! Here are some examples of negative and
even destructive attitudes and communication patterns that can exacerbate conflict in a
relationship. How many of these sounds like something you’d do?
Avoiding Conflict Altogether: Rather than discussing building frustrations in calm, respectful
manner, some people just don’t say anything to the person they are speaking to until they’re
ready to explode, and then blurt it out in an angry, hurtful way. This seems to be the less stressful
route—avoiding an argument altogether—but usually causes more stress to both parties, as
tensions rise, resentments grow inside, and a much bigger argument eventually results. It's much
healthier to address and resolve conflict.
Being Defensive: Rather than addressing the person in which you are talking to complaints with
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defend themselves by steadfastly deny any wrongdoing and work hard to avoid looking at the
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an objective eye and willingness to understand the other person’s point of view, people try to
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possibility that they could be contributing to a problem. Denying responsibility may seem to
alleviate stress in the short run, but creates long-term problems when people don’t feel listened to
and unresolved conflicts and continue to grow.
Overgeneralizing: When something happens that they don’t like, some blow it out of proportion
by making sweeping generalizations. Avoid starting sentences with, “You always…” and “You
never…” as in, “You always come home late!” or “You never do what I want to do!” Stop and
think about whether or not this is really true. Also, don’t bring up past conflicts to throw the
discussion off-topic and stir up more stress. This stands in the way of true conflict resolution, and
increases the level of conflict.
Being Right: It’s damaging to decide that there’s a ‘right’ way to look at things and a ‘wrong’
way to look at things, and that your way of seeing things is right. Don’t demand that the person
see things the same way, and don’t take it as a personal attack if they have a different opinion.
Look for a compromise or agreeing to disagree, and remember that there’s not always a ‘right’ or
a ‘wrong’, and those two points of view can both be valid.
"Psychoanalyzing" / Mind-Reading: Instead of asking about the person’s thoughts and
feelings, people sometimes decide that they ‘know’ what the persons are thinking and feeling
based only on faulty interpretations of their actions—and always assume it’s negative! (For
example, deciding a late mate doesn’t care enough to be on time, or that a tired the person is
denying sex out of passive-aggressiveness.) This creates hostility and misunderstandings.
Forgetting to Listen: Some people interrupt, roll their eyes, and rehearse what they’re going to
say next instead of truly listening and attempting to understand the person. This keeps you from
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the importance of really listening and empathizing with the other person!
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seeing their point of view, and keeps the person from wanting to see yours! Don’t underestimate
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Playing the Blame Game: Some people handle conflict by criticizing and blaming the other
person for the situation. They see admitting any weakness on their own part as a weakening of
their credibility, and avoid it at all costs, and even try to shame them for being ‘at fault’. Instead,
try to view conflict as an opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of
both parties and come up with a solution that helps you both.
Trying to ‘Win’ the Argument: I love it when Dr. Phil says that if people are focused on
‘winning’ the argument, “the relationship loses”! The point of a relationship discussion should be
mutual understanding and coming to an agreement or resolution that respects everyone’s needs.
If you’re making a case for how wrong the other person is, discounting their feelings, and staying
stuck in your point of view, you’re focused in the wrong direction!2.
Respect
How to get the person's respect.
Stop and think for a moment whether YOU can love someone you don't respect. It would be
hard, wouldn't it? You would almost need to force yourself to be nice or caring. It's just very
hard to attach to someone we don't respect. Something about them turns us off. Is it possible that
the person's love for you has been turned off because you have unintentionally
lost his or her respect?
"How can I earn the person's respect?" We earn the person's respect when
we:
Figure 2
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Elizabeth Scott, M.S.
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Talk and behave in ways that are consistent with what we believe.
We do what is best for the relationship even when it is something that is difficult for us.
We do what is best for the relationship even when it is something that is difficult for whom
you’re communicating with.
Number three comes as a surprise to many people and is the place where most the persons
accidentally lose respect. When we try to please or avoid upsetting the person--even though it's
bad for our relationship--we lose more of the person's respect.
Here are a few examples of seemingly loving, but respect-losing behaviors:
Letting your teenage daughter stay out all night because that is what she wants to do.
Saying that honesty is important to you, but then hiding information that the person may not like.
Repeatedly allowing the person to hurt you with what he or she says or does.
Not being assertive in expressing your needs and desires.
Whether we do the damage or give our consent to the person's damaging behavior, we lose
respect.
At the time it may seem like the easiest thing to do. Sometimes it may even seem loving. But if
it's damaging your relationship, it needs to stop. If your relationship is to be healthy, the sources
of poison must be cut off.
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Fighting fire with fire just makes a bigger fire.
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It's very important to realize that you won't earn respect if you attempt to stop the person's
destructive behavior with destructive behavior of your own. Complaining, blaming, and nagging,
for example are intended to stop the person's bad behavior, but just make the relationship worse.
They will wear away at any respect the person has for you. Not because the person doesn't like it,
but because it's not effective. When you effectively respond to the person's behavior, you will
earn respect, even if he or she doesn't like it. Your actions and words will say clearly that you
value the relationship and will not be a part of destructive patterns.
There is another way to earn the person's respect.
That is to have a life of your own. If the person gets the message that you could not possibly
carry on without him or her and that your entire life just revolves around the person, you will
lose respect. This is most commonly seen in teenagers and needy adults. The person should feel
lucky to have a capable, social, and valuable person. Basically, if there is nothing that attracts
other people to you, you will also lose the attraction of the person. You will also be very insecure
about losing the person. That insecurity actually makes it more likely that you will allow
damaging patterns to continue. These patterns destroy any feelings of love you and the person
have for each other.
A counselor will help you to figure out the best way to respond to harmful things the person is
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PhD, Jack Ito
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doing. A response that will both stop the behavior and build the relationship3
Problem solve
Problem solving is one of the most essential skills in life. Regardless of whom you are or what
you do, you will face obstacles. How you deal with such challenges will often be a
determining factor in how successful you are at life. While problems come in a wide
variety of shapes and sizes, this article can give you a rough idea of how to solve one
in a general sense.
Figure 3
Approach the issue with clarity: This is the first and most important component to
problem solving. While action and energy can often assist you in overcoming challenges, this
effort is a waste if misguided or misplaced. The first step is always to approach any issue in a
clear and logical manner, even if under time constraints or pressure
Understand the issue: Once you're appropriately focused, you need to run through the problem.
What are the components of the issue? What aspects are vital to a solution and which are
extraneous? Once you've broken down a problem into its vital aspects, sort through any cause
and effect relationships or patterns and cycles at work. Basically, you want to have a good grasp
of what is going on.
Plan a strategy: After you have a good grasp of the problem, begin to plan out a solution. In
most cases this is a simple relationship of cause and effect. In dealing with a problem, you desire
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parameters posed by the problem.
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to achieve a particular result. Consider what steps must be taken to achieve said result, given the
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Execute your strategy: Once you've outlined logical steps toward your desired result, execute!
If you are dealing with an issue such that conditions change upon execution, don't be afraid to
reevaluate your strategy. Is something going vastly awry? Approach any new developments in
the same logical manner in which you approached the original problem. This is important. You
must make a critical decision as to whether or not your plan warrants alteration. Remember,
changes in parameters of the issue do not necessarily mean the steps you've outlined will fail! In
addition, it is sometimes necessary to execute your original plan fully to gain more insight into
the problem. Unless this is a one shot deal, trial-and-error is often an excellent approach.
Evaluate the results: Upon seeing your plan through, consider the result. Optimally, you
successfully tackled the dilemma. However, if the results you expect were not achieved, consider
your approach. Was there an error in planning or execution? Did new parameters present
themselves? Reevaluate in light of these discoveries and approach the problem again. Sometimes
you can repeat your original plan if the error was in execution. However, if the parameters have
changed then a new strategy is often necessary.
Continue to evaluate and execute: Several attempts may be necessary to solve the issue. Each
time, however, keep in mind logic, clarity, and focus. These are the elements that ultimately lead
to resolution. Even if you are checked by failure, clear thinking usually leads to a successful
resolution.
Tips
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this approach.
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Always try to remain calm and logical when approaching a problem, resolution ultimately lies in
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Keep in mind the role others can play in problem solving. Although this article does not deal
with group problem solving, team work often plays a vital role in such issues. The threat of
personal tension in such situations merely underscores the importance of promoting clarity
and logic within the group.
Consider problem solving books related specifically to your issue. Polya's book "How to
solve it” is an example of an excellent book for general problem solving.
Attitude is the key. The more problems you solve the greater is your experience with problem
solving. You can apply a solution from one area to another only by gaining experience. Be
open to new problems.
If you start feeling overwhelmed or frustrated, take a breather. Realize that every problem
has a solution, but sometimes you're so wrapped up in it that you can't see anything BUT the
problem.
If you feel like you can't do anything, stop thinking about what you CAN'T do and start
thinking about what you CAN do. Even if it's something small or seems unimportant, that
little step might just lead to another, bigger step.
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http://www.wikihow.com/Solve-a-Problem
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Be brave. There is this thing called Future Problem Solvers. It can also solve problems.4
Years
1950-1960
1960-1970
1970-1980
1980-1990
1990-2000
2000-2010
Percentage
Relationships
Population
Relationships
Percentage
Successful
Unsuccessful
3,004,569,242
1,682,558,776
56% 1,261,919,082
420,639,694
3,091,856,381
1,947,869,520
63% 1,460,902,140
486,967,380
3,096,812,736
2,012,928,278
65% 1,509,696,209
503,232,070
3,980,712,740
2,706,884,663
68% 2,030,163,497
676,721,166
4,950,672,123
3,613,990,650
73% 2,710,492,988
903,497,663
5,947,351,208
4,817,354,478
81% 3,613,015,859 1,204,338,620
75%
25%
Figure 4i
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http://www.pamf.org/teen/abc/types/romantic.html
Elizabeth Scott, M.S.
PhD, Jack Ito
http://www.wikihow.com/Solve-a-Problem
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