Fully Living Life
After the Death of a Loved One
Mark Elliott Miller, MPH
Goodwill Industries Good Careers Academy
San Antonio, Texas
Session Description
This session will focus on living with a loved one
who has been diagnosed with cancer or another
serious illness. How do caregivers balance work
and family responsibilities while “being the rock”
for the sick family member? Coping skills will be
shared based on experiences chronicled in my
book, The Husband’s Guide to Cancer Survival.
Attendees will be served emotionally by the
presentation and be provided with skills and
resources to help others fully live life when death
is looming at the door.
Learning Objectives
1. Develop coping skills for caregivers of the
terminally ill.
2. Re-develop relationship skills for the
terminally and chronically ill with their
family and friends through journaling and
other techniques.
3. Identify resources available in the
community and on-line to make this stage of
life livable.
Relevance to field of aging
Every one of us at some point in
our life will deal with illness and
mortality issues. Learning how
to embrace life until the last
breath is a lesson best taught by
someone who has walked that
path. This program is for
individuals seeking greater selfawareness and professionals
serving the aging community.
Relevance to field of aging (cont.)
Participants will leave the
session with a “healthy living
toolkit.” They will learn the
importance of understanding
and communicating the stages
of death and dying, the
concept of writing journals as a
means of channeling fears and
capturing memories, and the
multiple dimensions of health
that must be fostered.
Robyn Miller’s Story
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Daughter
Sister
Wife/Soul Mate
Mother/Stepmother
Grandmother
Medical Assistant
Woman With Infectious
Laugh & Beautiful Smile
• Loving Heart…Friend
• Multiple Myeloma Patient
From Houston to Arlington
With Love and Fear
• Selected passages from The Husband’s Guide
to Cancer Survival
• Finding laughter in tragedy
• Real men do cry
• A lesson from Becky Williams
on wigs
• Friends forever?
When a nurse needs end-of-life care
Chet Talenda’s Story
– 80-years-old; retired nurse anesthetist in Beaumont, Texas
– Loving husband for 52 years, father of four, and grandfather
of nine
– Suffered from COPD, Diabetes, Heart Disease…
Dr. Randy Pausch Story on
the Oprah Winfrey Show
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncoSRKoU6GQ
Jai Pausch Public Service
Annoucement
http://www.youtube.com/
watch?v=Is_lLH0cTIo&feat
ure=related
The Stages of Grieving
1- Denial
Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts,
information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned.
It's a defense mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people
can become locked in this stage when dealing with a
traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not
particularly easy to avoid or evade indefinitely.
By Elisabeth Kübler Ross, MD
(Based on the Grief Cycle model first published in On Death & Dying, Elisabeth
Kübler-Ross, 1969. Interpretation by Alan Chapman 2006-2009).
Second Stage of Grieving
2 - Anger
Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with
emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with
others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep
us detached and non-judgmental when experiencing the anger
of someone who is very upset.
Third Stage of Grieving
3 - Bargaining
Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can
involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person
believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or
seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be
friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a
sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.
Fourth Stage of Grieving
4 - Depression
Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress
rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this
stage means different things depending on whom it involves.
It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural
to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that
the person has at least begun to accept the reality.
Fifth Stage of Grieving
5 - Acceptance
Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's
situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some
emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter
this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who
must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of
dealing with the grief.
Strive for Total Health for Life
• Six Dimensions of Health
– Physical
– Emotional
– Social
– Intellectual
– Environmental
– Spiritual
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dljz3AcSQ3I&list=U
UOyUBnLThbNjlQm9ZrJ0MYg&index=17&feature=plcp
Thoughts on Writing
It is a human trait to think creatively, rapidly, chaotically. We
normally think in the flow of our existence, in response to the
stimuli of moving time, and find it very hard to halt that flow in
order to sort out where we are, and what we understand at any
one moment, without giving ourselves up to the next moment,
the next stimulus. Writing requires us to halt time for a while -- it
requires closure, the decision to draw a line underneath what we
are going to consider, to relegate present knowledge to an
immediate past in which it can be configured, and reconfigured,
in order to create an impact of some kind upon whoever is going
to read it.
Our thoughts on writing (cont.)
This is often a disturbing and uncomfortable thing to do. We
might discover that we don't know enough about what we are
talking about, that what we have to say is incomplete, and how
we are trying to say it somehow weaker and less appropriate
than we imagined it would be. Putting thinking into writing tends
to expose the weakness of our thinking, and the poverty of our
expression, to the judgment of others and this becomes
something we would rather avoid.
Davies, C., & Birbill, M. (2000, December). What do people need to know about writing in order to write in
their jobs? British Journal of Educational Studies, 48(4), 429.
Journaling: The Sharpest Tool
Journaling Captures Words
We Often Cannot Say
• The Louise Miller as a mother approach:
– Write a letter to a loved one as if your days were numbered.
• The Mark Miller as a parent approach:
– Write advice for your children that you learned from others or
wished you had learned. Include the Six Dimensions of Health as
you hope they’ll apply them in their lives.
• The Pastor Leola approach:
– Write a letter to someone who hurt you and forgive them. Mail
it. Tear it up. Or place it in a helium balloon and let it fly away.
• The reporter approach:
– Write freely and answer: “who, what, when, why and how”.
Journaling Practice
30 Minutes
Try one or more journaling techniques
now to practice self-healing or prepare
you to help others.
Live Life to the Fullest!
• "It's only when we truly know and understand that
we have a limited time on earth - and that we have
no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then
begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the
only one we had."
Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, 1926-2004,
psychiatrist, humanitarian, teacher,
author, and pioneer of bereavement
and hospice care. With thanks to
www.ekrfoundation.org and
www.elisabethkublerross.com.
There’s a lot to carry in your
tool kit for life
Listen…capture (and share) life stories through
journaling…practice the six dimensions of health with
gusto…laugh out loud…practice unconditional
love…forgive…cherish memories…allow yourself to
grieve…In time, allow yourself to love again…have faith…
Free things we forget to enjoy
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Love, marriage
Family, friends
Children, grandchildren
Sunrises, sunsets
Moonlit nights,
twinkling stars
• Little babies
• The gifts of touch, taste,
smell, hearing, eyesight,
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Good health
Flowers
Lakes
Clouds
Sex
The ability to make
choices
• Life itself
From: The Servant by James C. Hunter
Resources
• The Husband’s Guide to Cancer Survival (Book)
– www.markelliottmiller.com / www.amazon.com
• Life Before Death (DVD)
– http://www.lifebeforedeath.com/movie/buy-the-movie.shtml
• On Death and Dying (Book)
– http://www.amazon.com/On-Death-Dying-Elisabeth-Kubler-Ross/dp/0684839385
• Tuesdays With Morrie (Book and DVD)
– http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_19?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&fieldkeywords=tuesday+with+morrie+by+mitch+albom&sprefix=Tuesday+With+Morrie%2Cst
ripbooks%2C294
– http://www.moviesunlimited.com/musite/product.asp?sku=D44466&gclid=CIHgmfWdu
K8CFWvktgodeje%2Djw
• The Last Lecture (Book)
– http://www.amazon.com/The-Last-Lecture-Randy-Pausch/dp/1401323251
Questions
© 2012 Mark Elliott Miller, MPH, 11915 Peach Crossing,
Helotes, Texas 78023, 832-221-1564,
markelliottmiller@ymail.com / www.markelliottmiller.com