Introduction to Pastoral Care
September 24, 2012
“In our role as pastoral care givers, the more
dramatic the parishioner’s story (say it involves
incredible acting out with wild drinking
behavior, or homicidal or suicidal behavior, or
physical abuse) the more we as helpers are likely
to become anxious. The higher our anxiety level
the more we feel the expectation to rescue
particular individuals in difficulty”
Couples in Conflict by Ronald W. Richardson
We, as caregivers, should attain a workable level
of interested detachment. Neutrality “is the
best way we can help people with emotional
conflicts & difficulties.”
Couples in Conflict by Ronald W. Richardson
Learn to manage your own anxiety and need to
rescue others.
Learn to become a less-anxious presence and a
calm observer.
“We have such a tendency to rush in, to fix
things up with good advice. But we often fail to
take the time to diagnose, to really, deeply
understand the problem first.”
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
by Stephen Covey
“If I were to summarize in one sentence the
single most important principle I have learned in
the field of interpersonal relations, it would be
this; Seek first to understand then to be
understood. This principle is the key to effective
interpersonal communication”
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
by Stephen Covey
“Communication is the most important skill in
life.”
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•
•
Four Basic Types of Communication
Reading
Writing
Speaking
Listening
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
by Stephen Covey
Empathic Listening
“Seek first to understand involves a very deep
shift in paradigm. We typically seek first to be
understood. Most people do not listen with
the intent to understand; they listen with the
intent to reply. They’re either speaking or
preparing to speak. They’re filtering
everything through their own paradigms,
reading their autobiography into other
people’s lives.”
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Stephen Covey
Empathic Listening
“We’re all filled with our own rightness, our own
autobiography. We want to be understood.”
“When another person speaks, we’re usually
listening at one of four levels.”
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Stephen Covey
Empathic Listening
1. Ignoring – we aren’t really listening at all.
2. Pretending – Yeah. Uh-huh. Right.
3. Selective listening – hearing only parts of a
conversation.
4. Attentive listening – we pay attention and
focus on the words.
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Stephen Covey
Empathic Listening
• “Listening with intent to understand.”
• “Get inside another person’s frame of
reference.” See the world like they see it.
• “Deeply understand that person, emotionally
as well as intellectually.”
• “Listen with your ears, listen with your eyes
and with your heart.” Listen for feeling &
meaning.
• “When you listen with empathy to another
person, you give them psychological air.”
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Stephen Covey
Empathic Listening
“Seeking first to understand, diagnosing before
you prescribe, is hard.”
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Stephen Covey
Four Autobiographical Responses
1. We evaluate – we either agree or disagree.
2. We probe – we ask questions from our own
frame of reference.
3. We advise – we give counsel based on our
own experience.
4. We interpret – we try to figure people out, to
explain their motives, their behavior, based
on our motives & behavior.
Four Stages of Empathic Listening
1.
2.
3.
4.
Mimic Content – active or reflective listening.
Rephrase Content.
Reflect Feeling.
Rephrase Content & Reflect Feeling.
As we rephrase content & reflect feeling,
we give the other person psychological air.
We give them space to work through their
thoughts & feelings for themselves. We
help them take responsibility for their own
lives.
Don’t push or rush – be patient &
respectful.
“When people are really hurting &
you really listen with a pure desire
to understand, you’ll be amazed
how fast they will open up. They
want to open up.”
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Stephen Covey
Empathic Listening
• Love unconditionally.
• Refuse to judge or ridicule.
• “The skills will not be effective unless they
come from a sincere desire to understand.”
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Stephen Covey