Marriage Stew
How’s Your Marriage Taste?
A 4-WEEK MARRIAGE SERIES STARTING APRIL 19TH / JOURNEY CLASS / 9:15 AM
Worship Series
until May 3rd
The Amazing Race
Vacation Bible School
Wanted volunteers !!!
Contact R.A.
Please Pray:
Men’s weekend:
April 23-26
Women’s Weekend:
April 30th-May 3rd
6 Weeks Starting Wed. May 13th
Led by Haydens & Braits
In his book, Soul Cravings, Erwin Raphael
McManus writes eloquently about
intimacy and love. "We are most alive
when we find it, most devastated when
we lose it, most empty when we give up
on it, most inhuman when we betray it,
and most passionate when we pursue it."
Intimacy
in·ti·ma·cy
ˈin(t)əməsē/
noun
close familiarity or friendship; closeness.
"the intimacy between a husband and wife"
synonyms: closeness, togetherness, affinity, rapport, attachment, familiarity,
friendliness, friendship, amity, affection, warmth, confidence; informal,
chumminess
"the sisters reestablished their old intimacy"
a private cozy atmosphere.
"the room had a peaceful sense of intimacy about it"
an intimate act, especially sexual intercourse.
synonyms: sexual relations, (sexual) intercourse, sex, lovemaking;
Path to Greater Intimacy
Companionship + Talking + Time +
Respect + Boundaries + Commitment
Safety + Responsiveness + Love = Great Sex
Companionship + Talking + Time +
Respect + Boundaries + Commitment
Safety + Responsiveness + Love = Great sex
Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is a psychological event
that occurs when the trust level and
communication between two people is such
that it fosters the mutual sharing of each
other's innermost selves. It is unbridled mutual
self disclosure.
It is when we feel wholly accepted, respected,
worthy, and even admired in the eyes of our
mate.
Being An Adult
(A Prerequisite to Emotional Intimacy)
• Takes Responsibility (for feelings, actions, choices,
thoughts, values, love)
• Requires Ownership- for self & other
• Values Treasures- of self & other
• Understands that “You are not me”
• Sees the Other as a Person- Not Object
• Allows the Other’s Experience
• Allows the Other to be Different
• Respects Freedom- of space
Signs of Emotional Intimacy:
How Are You Doing?
• In a state of personal fear, uncertainty or danger, your partner is
your first call or the person you turn to for comfort.
• Crying, showing frustration or anger in front of your partner is
okay. You know he/she will not see you as weak, psychotic, crazy
or out of control.
• You can speak about sex, secrets and your feelings without a
fear of being betrayed, ridiculed, or compromised.
• No matter what happens, you know your partner loves you and
will not abandon you during a state of crisis, ill health or financial
difficulty.
• You show or tell each other often through words and actions that
you love and respect each other.
• Past wrongs are not dredged up in arguments to get even with
each other. The past is discussed, forgiven and left there.
I. Ingredients That Spoil
(Ways we hurt our marriages)
A. We Disregard our Differences:
1) We Think Differently
a) Processing Information
b) Solution vs. Feelings
c) Linear vs. Orbital thot
•Thot A
Thot A
Thot A
Thot A
•Thot F
Thot B
•Thot
M
thot
thot
thot
thot
Thot B
Thot B
Thot C
•Thot R
Thot C
Thot C
I. Ingredients That Spoil
(Ways we hurt our marriages)
A. We Disregard our Differences:
1) We Think Differently
2) We Are Wired Differently
a) Sexual drive, interest, arousal
b) Connecting through activity vs. words
c) Win vs. Bond/Achievement vs. Relationships
I. Ingredients That Spoil
(Ways we hurt our marriages)
A. We Disregard our Differences:
1) We Think Differently
2) We Are Wired Differently
3) We Act Differently
a) Activity vs. Relational Connection
b) Cultural norms and pressure
c) Maturity Level
I. Ingredients That Spoil
(Ways we hurt our marriages)
B. We Refuse to Accept our Brokenness:
1) Self-Centered & Controlling
2) We Blame Others
3) We are Wounded by Our Past
4) We are Scared to be Known
The Problem of Shame
• Communicating effectively begins with discovering transparency.
Transparency in marriage is described in Genesis before the fall: “The
man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis
2:25).
• But after the fall, we read, “They knew that they were naked; and they
sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings”
(Genesis 3:7). Those famous fig leaf aprons were only part of their
cover-up. Sin introduced a lot more than modesty. It also brought deceit,
lying, trickery, half-truths, manipulation, misrepresentation, distortion,
hatred, jealousy, control, and many other vices, all causing us to wear
masks.
II. Cookbook Instructions
(Biblical instructions to follow)
A. Make romance a part of our everyday diet in
our marriage relationship (Proverbs 5:18-19)
B. Love … (I Corinthians 13)
C. Honor Marriage (Heb. 13:4)
D. Maintain Sexual Purity (Eph. 5:3)
E. Love as Christ loved the Church (Eph. 5:25)
F. You Belong to Each Other… Act like it
(I Cor.7:1-9)
III. Fresh Ingredients
(Ways we can improve our marriage)
A. Stop Trying to Make Your Spouse Think, Act, and Be
You
B. Accept our brokenness and love your broken spouse
C. Examine & Accept our contribution to the problem
D. Talk… even with words… to each other
E. Be more Christ-like…
1) Less selfish
2) Love like Christ loves the Church
3) Be the safest person on earth for your spouse…
listen, empathy, respect, nurture
4) Spend Time- Effort
Control Kills Oneness
If you are controlling your spouses
freedom and separateness, you are no
longer an object of love. You have
become two things your spouse will
rebel against because it is a part of
God’s plan. You have become the
master of a slave, and you have
become a parent. A spouse was never
intended to be either.
Cloud/Townsend
Path to Greater Intimacy: Sex
Good sex begins while your clothes are still on.
You can’t have good sex without a good relationship.
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Take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure.
Talk with your spouse about sex.
Make time for regular sex.
Don’t let sex become routine. Allow plenty of time to
make sex fun for you and your spouse.
Don’t carry anger into your bedroom.
Realize that good sex isn’t just technique.
Nurture the romance in your life.
Don’t make sex too serious.
Don’t always wait to be “in the mood” before agreeing to
have sex.
Realize that you and your spouse don’t have to agree
about everything involving sex.
Try to keep your sexual expectations realistic.
IV. Cook It
(Exercises to Try This Week)
• Sit together for a few minutes each night and read the
daily devotional. Say 1 thing that meaningful to you
from the reading
• Institute “Date Night” … time together- intentionalplanned- protected (even “Date Night” at home is OK)
• Have an electronic-free night (or 2)… no TV,
computer, cell phone, tablet, etc. See what happens
when you are together without distraction
• Practice random acts of kindness- speaking your
spouse’s “love language”
• Spend time cuddling… that’s all…nothing else
IV. Cook It
(Exercises to Try This Week)
• Take turns giving each other a foot and shoulder
massage…without leading to sex…
• Spend 10 minutes each day asking your spouse if
there is anything you have done today that was
harmful to intimacy for him/her? LISTEN to their
response- don’t defend or disagree; Ask if there is
anything from the past that you need to ask
forgiveness for?... LISTEN to their response
• Discuss 3 questions each day with each other:
• What did you enjoy most about your relationship today?
• What was dissatisfying about your relationship today?
• How could things be made better for each of you?
IV. Cook It
(Exercises to Try This Week)
Try the self-disclosure conversation starters listed below allow these
starting points to increase the self-disclosure in your marriage
• The kind of relationship we have is . .
• One way in which we are alike, is . . .
• One way in which we are different, is . . .
• If our relationship were a movie it would be called . . .
• The needs you satisfy in me are . . .
• I feel most tender towards you when . .
• What I like best in our relationship is . . .
• In the future, I would like our relationship to become more . . .
• In five years, I see us . . .
• Some of my needs that are not being completely satisfied are . . .
• Something you have helped me learn about myself is . . .
• One of the feelings with which I have most trouble is . . .
• I have most fun with you when . . .
IV. Cook It
(Exercises to Try This Week)
The Fantastic Five for him
1. Notice his effort and sincerely thank him for it. (For
example, say, “Thank you for mowing the lawn even
though it was so hot outside” or, “Thanks for playing
with the kids, even when you were so tired from work.”)
2. Say “You did a great job at __________.”
3. Mention in front of others something he did well.
4. Show that you desire him sexually and that he
pleases you sexually.
5. Make it clear to him that he makes you happy. (For
example, express appreciation for something he did for
you with a smile, words, a big hug, etc.)
IV. Cook It
(Exercises to Try This Week)
The Fantastic Five for her
1. Take her hand. (For example, when walking through a
parking lot or sitting together at the movies.)
2. Leave her a message by voice mail, e-mail, or text during
the day to say you love and are thinking about her.
3. Put your arm around her or lay your hand on her knee
when you are sitting next to each other in public (at church,
at a restaurant with friends, etc.).
4. Tell her sincerely, “You are beautiful.”
5. Pull yourself out of a funk when you’re morose, grumpy, or
upset about something, instead of withdrawing. (This doesn’t
mean you don’t get angry or need space; it means you try to
pull yourself out of it.)
An Intimacy Quiz
• An Intimacy Quiz
• Y N 1. You have spent more than 15 minutes at any one time in the last
three days nicely talking to your spouse.
• Y N 2. Name the two most important things on the mind of your
husband or wife?
• Y N 3. Do you feel fulfilled and at peace ten minutes after sexual
intercourse?
• Y N 4. Has the husband shared and discussed his future dreams in the
last three months?
• Y N 5. Do you like being alone with your spouse walking and talking?
• Y N 6. Do you sense that there are no barriers between you?
• Y N 7. In the last week have you consciously restrained your words in
order to speak nicely to your spouse?