Making stuff
sound pretty
Parallel Structure
a.
b.
a.
b.
a.
b.
Do you want to build a snowman or ride our
bikes?
Do you want to build a snowman or go
riding on our bikes?
I like riding my bike better than building a
snowman.
I like riding my bike better than a snowman.
He spoke viciously, with a vengeance, and
assertively.
He spoke viciously, angrily, and assertively.
Next, circle the endings that make the
sentences below parallel.
1.
Olympic athletes must dream big and
( be hard workers / work hard ).
2.
You should watch three Olympic sports:
curling, skiing, and ( skating / hockey ).
3.
I hope the American Olympians win
more medals than ( Russia does / the
Russian Olympians do ).
PRACTICE
Find a sentence in your essay and re-write it to
make it parallel.
If you can’t find a sentence to use from your
essay, make up a new sentence with parallel
structure that you could use in your essay.
HINT: This works really well for thesis statements
VIVID DESCRIPTIONS
 Show,
don’t tell
 Use figurative language
 Instead of writing, “I had never felt
anything like it before in my entire life,”
take the time to try and describe what
that feeling was, and then decide how
best to convey that feeling to the reader.
Your readers will thank you for it.
 The
workday went
by slowly. I was
really excited to
start my vacation.

I watched the clock,
which seemed to be
moving more slowly
than usual. At
exactly 5 p.m., it was
like a bolt of lightning
hit my chair. I
jumped up, grabbed
my bag, and
zoomed off to board
a plane for paradise.
By the time I got to
the airport, I could
almost smell the
saltwater.

I
hit a home run
yesterday. I've
never felt so good
in my life. My
teammates finally
appreciated me,
because it won the
game, and I'm
glad all the hard
work paid off. I
realized what it
meant to succeed.
We were tied, 4-4, in
the ninth inning with
barely enough
sunlight for another
at-bat. I looked at a
strike. On the next
pitch, I tightened my
core, swung the bat
low, and felt it make
contact in the
middle of the ball. I
was almost to
second base by the
time it crashed into
the scoreboard
beyond the rightfield fence.
 He
sits on the
couch holding his
guitar.
 His
eyes are closed,
and he’s cradling
the guitar in his
arms like a lover.
It’s as if he’s trying
to hold on to
something that
wants to let go.
If string theory is really true, then the entire world is made up of strings, and I
cannot tie a single one. This past summer, I applied for my very first job at a small,
busy bakery and café in my neighborhood. I knew that if I were hired there, I
would learn how to use a cash register, prepare sandwiches, and take cake
orders. I imagined that my biggest struggle would be catering to demanding New
Yorkers, but I never thought that it would be the benign act of tying a box that
would become both my biggest obstacle and greatest teacher.
On my first day of work in late August, one of the bakery’s employees hastily
explained the procedure. It seemed simple: wrap the string around your hand,
then wrap it three times around the box both ways, and knot it. I recited the
anthem in my head, “three times, turn it, three times, knot” until it became my
mantra. After observing multiple employees, it was clear that anyone tying the box
could complete it in a matter of seconds. For weeks, I labored endlessly, only to
watch the strong and small pieces of my pride unravel each time I tried.
As I rushed to discreetly shove half-tied cake boxes into plastic bags, I could not
help but wonder what was wrong with me. I have learned Mozart arias,
memorized the functional groups in organic chemistry, and calculated the antiderivatives of functions that I will probably never use in real life—all with a modest
amount of energy. For some reason though, after a month’s effort, tying string
around a cake box still left me in a quandary.
PRACTICE


Go through your essay and circle language that is
vague, generic, awkward, unclear, confusing,
repetitive, slangy, clichéd, basic, or stale.
Go back through your essay and replace these
circled words with vivid vocabulary. Tips:
Try adding dialogue
 Use sensory language
 Be descriptive
 Be specific, not vague


Incorporate at least three different types of figurative
language into your essay.
HINT: Make sure your revisions don’t seem forced!