ACADEMIC ENGLISH III
Oct. 8, 2014
Today
- Academic style: wordiness
Often, writing looks like this
Photo credit: creators.ning.com
Improving Writing Skills
“Waste Management” – taking out the trash
Source: commons.wikimedia.org
Taking out the trash
In the class that we are going to hold on this day, it is my
plan that we, as a class, will look at an issue which is
common in writing fairly often; I want to talk about and
discuss the issue of ‘wordiness’.
 Today, we will examine a common issue, wordiness.
Wordiness
Conciseness is important in both academic and business
writing.
- Concise writing expresses ideas without
unnecessary wordiness.
Wordiness:
- Increases the length of your work without adding
meaning.
- Makes writing more difficult to understand.
Wordiness
Example 1:
The reason why Dave came to Success College was
because it is inexpensive in price.
2 issues:
1. The words reason, why, and because all express the
same idea.
2. Saying something is inexpensive includes the idea of
price.
Wordiness
Example 1:
The reason why Dave came to Success College was
because it is inexpensive in price.
Concisely:
Dave came to Success College because it is inexpensive.
Wordiness
Example 2:
Despite the fact that she was feeling ill, Ann came to the
conclusion that she would go to work.
2 issues:
1. ‘Despite the fact that’ is just a long way of
saying ‘despite’.
2. ‘Came to the conclusion that’ is a long way of
saying decided.
Wordiness
Example 2:
Despite the fact that she was feeling ill, Ann came to the
conclusion that she would go to work.
Concisely:
Despite feeling ill, Ann decided to go to work.
Wordiness
In my opinion, I think the study of Sociology is very
fascinating.
- This sentence can be cut down to three words:
Sociology is fascinating.
Wordiness
In my opinion, I think the study of Sociology is very fascinating.
 Sociology is fascinating.
- In my opinion and I think just repeat the same idea.
- Fascinating is clearly a judgment, so there is no need to include either
‘I think’ or ‘In my opinion’.
- Sociology includes the idea of studying it, so the study of is
redundant.
- Fascinating can be defined as very interesting, so adding very is
unnecessary.
Some simple examples
All of the following examples are wordy.
- Why is each wordy?
- How can each be written concisely?
1. The stegosaurus was huge in size.
- The stegosaurus was huge.
2. Now she is at school.
• - She is at school.
3. He was happy and joyful about the great gift.
• - He was happy about the gift.
4. Because of the fact that he got a good grade on the midterm, Tim decided
to take the night off.
• - Because he got a good grade on the midterm, Tim took the night off.
5. In the summer season, many Vancouverites like to picnic in Stanley Park.
• - In the summer, many Vancouverites like to picnic in Stanley Park.
6. On January 14, in the middle of winter, the weather was freezing cold.
• - On January 14, the weather was freezing.
- January 14 was freezing.
7. I think smoking in public places should be banned.
• - Smoking in public should be banned.
8. In order to get the true facts of the case, the lawyer interviewed 4
witnesses.
• - To get the facts, the lawyer interviewed 4 witnesses.
9. Furthermore, Henry VIII also married six different women.
• - Henry VIII also married six women.
10. Redundancy is defined as unnecessary repetition.
• - Redundancy is unnecessary repetition.
11. New Westminster, which was British Columbia’s first capital city, is
located on the shores of the Fraser River.
• - New Westminster, British Columbia’s first capital city, is located along
the Fraser River.
12. The computer is sitting on top of the table.
• - The computer is on the table.
Common Causes of Wordiness
W = wordy
C = concise
Use of vague words which need explanation instead of
precise words.
W: She talked to him in a loud angry voice.
C: She yelled at him.
W: The crime wave had some bad results that cost people a lot of
money.
C: The crime wave had some costly results.
Common Causes of Wordiness
Use of long expressions instead of individual words
W: to come to the conclusion that
C: to decide
W: to put forward the idea that
C: to suggest
i.e.,
The president put forward the idea that the meeting be
extended.
The president suggested that the meeting be extended.
Common Causes of Wordiness
Repetitive wording:
end result = end
past experience = past
share in common = share
small in size = small
Common Causes of Wordiness
Repetitive wording:
made a discovery = discovered
made an attempt = attempted
made an accusation = accused
made an appearance = appeared
made a decision = decided
Common Causes of Wordiness
Repetitive wording, or words that provide excessive
detail
W: Imagine a mental picture of someone engaged in the
intellectual activity of learning the rules of playing chess.
C: Imagine someone attempting to learn the rules of chess.
Common Causes of Wordiness
Over-use of “it” and “there” as meaningless subjects
W: It was exciting to go to the New Year celebrations.
C: The New Year celebrations were exciting.
W: There were thirty-four people in the room who were
waiting for the mayor.
C: Thirty-four people in the room were waiting for the
mayor.
Common Causes of Wordiness
Over-use of “it” and “there” as meaningless subjects
“Empty Openers”
W: There is a prize in every box of Almond Flakes cereal.
C: A prize is in every box of Almond Flakes cereal.
Common Causes of Wordiness
Over-use of relative clauses (starting with that, who, which)
W: The news, which was released yesterday, was devastating.
C: The news released yesterday was devastating.
W: The girl who was talented gave a concert.
C: The talented girl gave a concert.
Common Causes of Wordiness
Over-use of passive verbs
W: The criminal was caught by the police, and later the
passive
criminal was convicted by the courts.
passive
C: The police caught the criminal and the court convicted
active
active
him.
Side note: passive vs. active voice
In business writing, active sentences are generally
preferred over passive sentences.
Side note: passive vs. active voice
In academic writing, active sentences are preferred over
passive sentences.
Active voice:
- The subject performs the action expressed by the verb.
i.e., Andrew threw the hammer.
Side note: passive vs. active voice
In academic writing, active sentences are preferred over
passive sentences.
Passive voice:
- The subject receives the action expressed by the verb.
i.e., The hammer was thrown by Andrew.
Side note: passive vs. active voice
In academic writing, active sentences are preferred over
passive sentences.
- The active voice is:
- More concise
- More direct
- Easier to understand
Side note: passive vs. active voice
Examples:
It is believed by some critics that Psycho is Hitchcock’s
greatest film.
Active:
Some critics believe that Psycho is Hitchcock’s greatest
film.
Side note: passive vs. active voice
Examples:
The Old Man and the Sea was written by Ernest
Hemmingway.
Active:
Ernest Hemmingway wrote The Old Man and the Sea.
Side note: passive vs. active voice
Exception:
If the agent – the one performing the action- is unknown,
you can use the passive voice.
i.e., The walls had been defaced by grafitti.
The car was pushed over the cliff.
Practice
- The following slides provide sample revisions to the 11
sentences from the “Avoiding Wordiness Practice” sheet.
- Remember that your revisions do not necessarily have to
be exactly the same as these.
- If you have any questions about these revisions (or
yours), please let me know.
Avoiding wordiness – practice
Terry Fox
1. Terry Fox is perhaps one of Canada’s greatest modern
heroes because he did something amazing even though
he lost his leg.
2. Terry Fox was born in 1958 in Winnipeg, Manitoba.
3. At the age of 19, Fox was diagnosed with a rare form of
bone cancer.
4. Doctors decided to amputate most of one of his legs to
stop the cancer from spreading.
5. While recovering from the amputation, Fox came up with
the “Marathon of Hope”, which he hoped would help him
make a lot of money for cancer research.
6. He began his run in St. John’s, Newfoundland on April
12, 1980.
7. He ran nearly 40km per day and had run 5373 km when
he got to Thunder Bay, a small city in western Ontario.
8. In Thunderbay, cancer was discovered in his lungs so he
had to end his run there.
9. Fox was an inspiration to millions of people with his great
bravery and devotion to his cause.
10. With his run, he encouraged Canadians to contribute
almost $25 million for cancer research.
11. Although Fox died in New Westminster in June, 1981,
he has not been forgotten.
Journal entry 3
Deadline: Friday (1:30 p.m.)
Revise “Canada in Space”