Habit 5
Seek FIRST to Understand,
Then to Be Understood
You have TWO Ears
And one Mouth…
Hel-lo!
Before I can walk in another’s shoes, I
must first remove my own.
• What does the above quote mean?
• Read p. 164
• You can’t trust people who give you solutions
before they understand what your needs are.
• Do you know that we often do the same thing
when we communicate?
• Read p. 164
“Listen, or thy tongue will make thee
deaf.”
An American Indian Proverb
It’s our tendency to want to swoop out of the sky
like Superman and solve everyone’s problems
before we even understand what the problem
really is.
We simply don’t listen.
The key to communication and having power and
influence with people can be summed up in one
sentence: Seek first to understand, then to be
understood.
In other words…
• Listen first, talk second.
• If you can learn this simple habit-to see things
from another’s point of view before sharing
your own- a whole new world of
understanding will be opened up to you.
Why is habit 5 the key to
communication?
• The deepest need of the human heart is to be
understood.
• Everyone wants to be respected and valued
for who they are.
• People won’t expose their soft middles unless
they feel genuine love and understanding.
• Once they feel it, they will tell you more than
you may want to hear.
• Story page 165
“People don’t care how much you know
until they know how much you care.”
• Think of a situation when someone didn’t take
the time to understand or listen to you. Were
you open to what they had to say?
• Share your stories:
• Start Patch Adams: Watch and record the good
and bad communication you witness.
You can show you care by simply
taking time to listen without judging
and without giving advice.
• Why not give advice?
Please Listen
When I ask you to listen to me
And you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
And you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
You are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
And you feel you have to do something
To solve my problem,
You have failed me,
Strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do…just hear me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP8RB7UZHKI
5 Poor Listening Styles
• To understand someone you must listen to
them. The problem is that most of us don’t
know HOW to listen.
It’s typical to use the five poor
listening styles:
• When people talk we seldom listen because
we’re usually too busy preparing a response,
judging, or filtering their words through our own
paradigms.
• Spacing out
• Pretend listening
• Selective listening
• Word listening
• Self-Centered listening
Spacing Out
• You ignore someone who is talking because
your mind is wandering off into another
galaxy….or to the pretty girl seated in front of
you, or the cute guy you just saw in the hall
or………
Pretend Listening
• You pretend to be listening by making
insightful comments at key junctures, such as
“yeah,” “uh-huh,” “cool,” “sounds great.”
• The speaker usually gets the hint and will feel
unimportant enough to be heard.
Selective listening
• You pay attention only to the part of the
conversation that interest you.
Word Listening
• This occurs when we actually pay attention to
what someone is saying, but we listen only to
the words, not to the body language, the
feelings, or the true meaning behind the
words.
Self-centered listening
• When we see everything from our own point
of view. Instead of standing in another’s
shoes, we want them to stand in ours.
• “Oh, I know exactly how you feel.” Do you
really????
• When we listen from our point of view, we
usually reply in one of three ways, all of which
make the other person close up.
We JUDGE, we ADVISE, and we PROBE
• Judging: If you are busy judging, you are not
really listening. Example page 169
• Advising: Give advise drawn from your own
experience. Example page 170
• Probing: Occurs when you try to dig up
emotions before people are ready to share
them. Example: page 170
GENUINE LISTENING
• To be a genuine listener you will need to do
three things differently.
• First, listen with your eyes, heart, and ears.
Only 7% of communication is contained in
words. The rest comes from body language
(53%) and how we say words, or the tone and
feeling reflected in our voice (40%).
• Try this:
I didn’t say you had an attitude problem.
I didn’t say you had and attitude problem.
I didn’t say you had an attitude problem.
To hear what others are saying, you
must listen to what they are not saying
• Read page 171-172
Genuine Listening
• Second, stand in their shoes: To become a
genuine listener, you need to take off your
shoes and stand in another’s.
• In other words, “Until you walk a mile in
another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine
the smell.” Robert Byrne
• You must try to see the world as they see it
and try to feel as they feel.
• Read page 172-173
Genuine Listening
• Third, practice mirroring: Think like a mirror. A
mirror doesn’t judge. It doesn’t give advice. It
only reflects.
• Mirroring is simply repeating back in your won
words what the other person is saying and
feeling.
• Mimicking is when you repeat exactly what
the other person is saying, like a parrot: page
173 and 174
Disclaimer
• If you practice mirroring but don’t really
desire to understand others, they will see
through it and feel manipulated.
• Mirroring is a skill, the tip of the iceberg.
• Your attitude or desire to really understand
another is the lurking mass of ice underneath
the surface.
Mirroring Phrases
• “As I get it, you felt that…..”
• “So, as I see it…”
• “I can see that you’re feeling…”
• “So, what you’re saying is….”
*Note: There is a time and place for genuine
listening. You’ll want to do it when you’re talking
about an important or sensitive issue.
Genuine Listening in Action
• The sister who needs a listening ear from her
big brother: page 175 and 176
Communication with Parents
• No matter how distant your parents may seem
at times, life will go so much better if you can
communicate.
• If you want to improve your relationship with
Mom or Dad (and shock the heck out of them
in the process), try listening to them, just like
you would a friend.
• Have you stopped to consider that you
perhaps you don’t understand them? P.177
If you take the time to understand &
listen to your parents, two incredible
things will happen.
• First: You‘ll gain a greater respect for them.
• Second: If you take time to understand and
listen to your parents, you’ll get your way much
more often.
• How so? If they feel that you understand them,
they’ll be much more willing to listen to you,
they’ll be more flexible, and they’ll trust you
more. Example p177
Start asking your parents questions
• How was your day today?
• Tell me what you like and don’t like about your
job.
• Is there anything I could do to help around the
house today?
• What would you like me to do for you today?
• If you could have anything 3 wishes, what
would you wish?
Make small deposits into their RBA
• Figure out what they consider a deposit by
jumping into their shoes. Think about it from
their point of view, not yours.
• A deposit to them might mean doing the dishes
or garbage without being asked, or keeping a
commitment to be home on time.
Then Seek to Be Understood
• The second half of Habit 5 is as important as
the first half but requires something different
of us.
• Seeking first to understand requires
consideration, but seeking to be understood
requires courage.
Unexpressed feelings…
• Never die. They are buried alive and come forth
later in uglier ways.
• If you don’t share your feelings they will eat your
heart out.
• In the following story, notice how Kelli practiced
both halves of the habit: p.178
Giving feedback…
• Is an important part of seeking to understood.
• If done in the right way it can be a deposit in
the RBA
• Should you give feedback….
When someone’s fly is open?
When a close friend has bad breath?
Your date has a piece of food caught in
his/her teeth?
If your RBA is high with someone, you
can give feedback openly without
hesitation.
• Example: p179
Before giving feedback..
• First: ask yourself “Will this feedback really
help this person or am I doing it just to suit
myself and fix them?”
• If your motive for the feedback isn’t with their
best interest at heart, then it’s probably not
the time or place to do it.
• Second: send “I” messages instead
of “you” messages.
• Give feedback in first person.
• Examples: “I’m concerned that you have a
temper problem” or “I think you have been
acting selfish lately.”
• Instead of: “You have a terrible temper” or
“You are so self-centered.”
Remember….
• You have two ears and one mouth….
Use them accordingly.
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Next up, find out how 1 plus 1
can sometimes equal 3.