Hand in Hand Parenting
Slovenia National Congress
Marriage and Family Counselors
April 2014
Pam Oatis, MD
Hand in Hand Parenting
Building Emotional Understanding Instructor
Medical Director Family Care Team Mercy Hospital
Welcome
Thank you
Thank you!!!
Hand in Hand Parenting
 Objective
 Learn Listening Tools
 Improve relationships with children and adults
Hand in Hand Parenting
 Please share with a person whom you don’t know
 Name
 Home town
 Are you a parent or do you have parents? If a parent –
what are your children’s ages?
 One thing you would like to learn today
Story of a young physician
Hand in Hand Parenting
 Nonprofit trains parents and professionals
 Parenting by Connection
 75% from Australia, Canada, Israel, France, England,
Romania, South Africa Switzerland and around USA.
 Direct services >11,000 parents 2012
 www.handinhandparenting.org
Hand in Hand Parenting Services
 Support parents
 Provide insights and skills
 Listen to and connect with their children
 Individual support
 Classes
Result:
Parents and children thrive
Hand in Hand Parenting
Core Ideas
Connection
 Connected parenting directly and
powerfully reduces hurt and harm lives of
individuals, families, and communities.
 Parents want to be close to their
children, help them learn, love them fully,
and see them thrive
Hand in Hand Parenting
Core Ideas
 Parenting is not easy
 Parents handle multiple
roles, deal with much stress
and need/deserve good
support for their vital work.
Hand in Hand Parenting
Core Ideas
 Feeling isolated/stressed => parents’ behavior to flare.
 Regular access to a supportive listener to offer warmth
and full respect makes powerful difference.
 Good listener can reduce a parent’s sense of isolation,
relieve stress, and improve a parent’s patience.
Me stressed
Hand in Hand Parenting
Core Ideas
 Feeling disconnected or stressed causes children’s
behavior to flare
 Parents can reconnect through listening and limits
 Children offload their negative feelings and regain
sense of connection and better judgment.
Hand in Hand Parenting
Core Ideas
 Listening, parent-to-parent
and parent-to-child, builds
connection
 Listening conveys respect
creates safety to dissolve
emotional tension which
disrupts caring relationships
Hand in Hand Parenting
Core Ideas Summary
Respect and listening strengthen parents’ connection
with their children and each other, and reconnect
them when stress has interfered
Comparing Parenting Models
Parenting by
Connection
Warmth
Permissive
Uninvolved
Controlling
Low
Limits
Successful Parenting Model
Research
Close parent-child connection throughout childhood and
beyond is the strongest factor preventing health and
social problems, involvement in drugs, violence,
unintended pregnancies and medical problems
Parenting by Connection
 Focuses only on that parent child connection
 Combines warmth with reasonable expectations
 Helps parents remain warm, engaged and connected
while setting limits children need
 Builds intelligence
 Result: Children develop judgment, resilience, social,
emotional and cognitive functioning without threat or
punishment.
Connection is Vital
warmth
respect
eye contact
Listening
trust
cooperation
respect
Connection Comes First
 Brain “fed” by eye contact and aware touch
with long moments of gaze and reciprocal
conversation full of “I love you and want to
understand you”
 Neural pathways develop only when
infant/child brain in flexible positive
communication with an adult who is
tuned to the infant/child expressions, needs
Thinking Follows
Prefrontal Cortex
Connection
Infant/child neural pathways grow
700 synapsis per second first 2 years of life
First 1000 days of life vital
Attention
Reasoning
Judgment
Planning
Impulse Control
Short-term Memory
Flexible thinking
How Children’s Emotions Work
Research shows when sense of connection
with parent or caregiver breaks it is an
emotional and developmental
emergency for the infant/child
Parents Also Need Connection
 We need to connect with someone to listen
to our thoughts, feelings, goals
 Listening and being listened to help parents
connect
 Grows ability to enjoy parenting
 Grows ability to connect with children
Cluttered Mind
 Feelings can confuse us
 Emotions can cloud our thinking
 Feeling sad, scared, overwhelmed,
exhausted, alone, frustrated, blocks
our thinking
 Unhealed hurts leave us confused
 Rigid irrational
behaviors=>unhealthy relationships
 Story Dx
We have a solution to try:
Listening Partnerships
 Adults agree to take equal turns listening to
each other
 Time to explore thoughts, set goals, talk,
cry, laugh, tremble, yawn through tensions
and upsets
 Come to clearer thinking and functioning
about ourselves and loved ones
 NOT conversation
Listening Partnership
 Natural healing system--laughter, tears, trembling,
yawning DR story
 As we talk emotional tension lifts
 We heal
Think and act flexibly
intelligently
Listening Partnership
 Safe time and place to relearn this natural healing
process
 Listening gets this healing process restarted
Listening Partnership
Foundation
Each person—intelligent, good, expert on her/himself,
no benefit from attempts to fix, blame, advice or
criticize
Doing best given information, resources, hurts
Listening Partnership
How To
Take equal turns listening
2 people thinking about 1 person
Simple but takes practice
Respect your partner
Listening Partnership:
Questions Listener Might Ask
 “What was that like for you?”
 “Tell me more.”
 “What else?”
 “What do you think might be happening?”
 “Oh, I am sorry.”
 “What bothers you about it?”
 “What was the first time you remember feeling like
that or saw someone do something like that?”
Listening Partnership
Role of the Listener
 Remembers own and the partner’s inherent
goodness
 Focused attention on partner is powerful resource
 Keep face relaxed smile
 Interest
 Respect
 Appreciation
 No questions out of own curiosity
 No advice, interruption or judgment
 CONFIDENTIALITY—no repeating what is said
Confidentiality
 Commitment to Confidentiality
Listening Partnership
Role of the Talker
 Take charge of what we talk
about
 Encourage honesty, no filtering
 Topic that is cluttering mind
 Trust mind to bring up what it is
ready to off load
 Notice feelings
 Stay feeling the feelings
Listening Partnership
Let’s Try It
Take Turns Listening
 Who, if anyone, listened to
you when you were a child?
OR
 What was a moment you felt
your mind freeze or feel too
cluttered? What was that like?
 3 minutes each
Listening Partnerships
Reaction
 What was that like?
 Listener
 Talker
Listening Builds Intelligence
Talker
Listener
Safety builds
Respect
Warmth
confidence
Intelligence
grows
Intelligent
Actions
Tension
Release
Talking
Laughter
Crying
Trembling
Tantrums
Listening Partnership
Takes Time
Not a 5 minute quick fix
Try 10, then 30, 45 minutes each
Set weekly dates with listening partner:
 Life story
 Goals
 Successes/challenges
Comparing Parenting Models
Parenting by
Connection
Warmth
Permissive
Uninvolved
Controlling
Low
Limits
Parenting by Connection
Listening Tools
 Adult to Child
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Staylistening
Playlistening
Setting Limits
Special Time
 Adult to Adult
 Listening Partnerships
 Support Group
Staylistening – Basics
 Parents can help children heal emotional bumps and
bruises of childhood.
 As you listen, crying, a natural recovery process heals
the hurt
Staylistening
 The person at his side staying with warmth and
kindness rebuilding confidence and connection
becomes a treasured loved one.
 After we listen to tears and feelings blurted out, his
mind is free to return to confidence, hope, flexibility
and learning with heart kept open for friendship and
cooperation.
 This recovery process—crying until the hurt is gone—
comes naturally.
STORY my gm, CLEANING UP TOYS , palliative care
Listening Partnership
 What would it be like to stay and listen?
 How would it feel not to quiet, distract, or give in?
 2 minutes each
 “My wife and I are therapists who work with parents, children,
and adults who once were children. We love your materials both
professionally and personally. Your materials have given me
clear, concise words, in a way that I could have not expressed
before, the way that I automatically and intuitively work with
children.”
David Vandevert, MFT
 “I am…a therapist for over 20 years…and wanted to tell you
that I have given your parenting pamphlets to my clients many
times. They are a fabulous resource, and are positively impacting
more people than you know.”
Nancy Goldstein, LCSW-R
Workshop
 The How to of Hand in Hand Parenting
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Playlistening
Setting Limits
Family Policy
Support Groups
Questions
Congratulations
Thank you for your participation!!
Workshop
 The How to of Hand in Hand Parenting
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Playlistening
Setting Limits
Family Policy
Support groups
Listening Partnership
 Something in your life in the last few weeks that
pleases you?
 2 min each
Playlistening
 Laughter—”the best medicine”
 Laughing like crying, tantrums
signals the release of tension in
the child’s mind
 Children love to laugh
 Playlistening is getting laughter
going without dominating the
child
Playlistening
 We ensure child “wins”, better at game, stronger, smarter,
more graceful
 Adult--weak, clumsy, dim-witted, and less competent
 Laughter as child senses smarter, more powerful than
loving adult, releases tensions
 Brings a lighter touch to parenting, helps children feel
thoroughly loved and brings us closer
 Often involves much running, climbing, jumping
 Develop coordination, expand knowledge of child and
parent/caregiver
 Overcome shyness and fears
 Mealtime, getting dressed, bedtime, bath time, ordinary times
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Story swing Sebastian
Playlistening
How to
 Notice what lets a child laugh and then do more.
 If you trip walking and he laughs, act a little indignant,
then do it again
 Hide and seek—when looking be a little loud, get
closer to his hiding spot, look but do not find, be
fooled
Playlistening
Basic Guidelines
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Make physical contact. Be actively lightly affectionate
Do not overwhelm or over power the child
Follow do not lead the play
Active, enthusiastic, ready to leave dignity behind
No tickling
 Listening Partnership
 Demo
 1 minute each
 afraid of the dark/bugs
Listening Partnership
3 minutes each
What was that like? Where, when,
how use this?
Setting Limits
Playlistening:
 Light hearted “uh oh, you are in trouble now” or
“ohhhh, how could you have done that?”
 Slow chase, nuzzle, vigorous cuddle
 Child’s laughter follows
 My son about to take brother’s airplane
 Sometimes after laughter comes hearty tears--wanting
something could not have
 Humorous light interactions => Creative problem solving
Setting Limits
 When child’s thinking has broken, can’t find safety to
laugh or cry away hurt, will do and say unworkable
things, showing needs us to step in with a limit
 Gentle firm, “No, I can’t let you do that” provides a
name to the nameless tensions that drove child off
confident connected track
 As we stay close and listen after limit set, child
releases upset feelings with tears, words of fury, child
will recover sense of connection and wellbeing
Toy clean up and bike in street
Setting Limits
 Listen, Limit, Listen
 Listen
 Need information/help, expectations fit?
 Limit
 Me put self between child and irrational behavior
 Look to be sure parent sees
 Bring kicking crying child onto lap
 Listen
 Kindness allow feel awful feelings inside drove to the behavior
 Hearty cry or tantrum
Setting Limits
Question from Parents
 “Aren’t you promoting
disrespect/spoiling by letting a child say
awful things and rage like that?”
 While child crying, perspiring,
trembling--getting vital emotional work
done, getting rid of feelings and images
that poison relationships and confuse
thinking
 Cooperation, flexibility, ease with
learning follow
Story school conferences
Setting Limits
 Connect with attention before limits need to be set and
before I am upset
 Slammed door, louder harsh tone of voice
 Works best to listen early, at first hint of nearing upset
 Ten minutes of hanging out, cuddling, horsing around can
change next hours at home
Setting Limits
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SUMMARY
Children good, want to be loving, cooperative, close
When behavior goes off track it is because the child
feels disconnected, hurt
When feeling hurt they cannot behave reasonably
Our kind firm limits are a gift
Children need our warmth and closeness to heal and
change behavior
LISTEN, LIMIT, then LISTEN as bad feelings roll off
Special Time
 Special Time is an active form of listening, in which
your child’s play becomes vehicle for telling you about
life and perceptions
Special Time
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Set aside a short, defined period of time
Do your best to be free of worries, tiredness, stress
Do NOT direct or try to improve the play
No teaching
Special Time
 Follow the child’s lead for play
 Demonstrate your approval, affection and enjoyment
 Builds connection and trust
 Maintain judgment
 May need to beg, plead as children get older
 Can also do with adults
Listening Partnership
3 minutes each
What would it be like to follow a
child’s lead in play? What would
you like to do with special time for
yourself?
Family Policies
Spoken or unspoken govern how the family functions
“Parents decide. Children obey.”
Family Policies
Our experience: If children are to grow up respecting themselves
and others, they need to be treated with respect from infancy on.
Policies reflect common sense and respect might be:
 “We let each other know what we like about each other at
least one each day.”
 “We share work of the household. Everyone has at least one
job and all can ask for help with that job to make it more fun.”
 “We don’t hurt each other. When we see someone hurting
someone else, we stop them.”
Support Group
 Group of 3-8 people follow same guidelines as
Listening Partnership
 One primary listener
 Parents
 Mothers
 Fathers
 Therapists
Families and Communities
 When parents connect with their children and one
another
 Build a support system greater success solving
problems
 Enjoy parenting
 Engage in their communities
 Create positive change and inspire others
Listening Tools
 Adult to Child
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Staylistening
Playlistening
Setting Limits
Special Time
 Adult to Adult
 Listening Partnerships
 Support Group
Listening Partnership
3 minutes each
What would you like to try for
yourself and your family? What are
your next steps?
Questions
Highlights
Please share:

Something I want to remember from today

An appreciation of my listening partner