Love
in Interpersonal Relationships
Lecture by
Dr. Alan D. DeSantis
My Favorite Romantic Drama
Six Types of Love
From Lee (1976)
My Favorite Classic Romance
The Theory of Love Types



1. We have all of these 6 “love types” in
our relationships
2. What separates us is the degrees of
each (each person is different)
3. Degrees can change with time
– In 10 years, #6 is largest / #4 is smallest

6
1
5
4. Every relationship we have may
differ:
–
–
–
In your first relationship, you are insecure
& passionate
» (Because s/he was non-committal &
sexual)
In your next, you are calm & relaxed
» (Because s/he was nurturing and warm)
Key: Others make us who we are in
relationships
2
4
3
My Chart
1) Eros Love
 Highly
passionate, sexual, &
intense
 Often Believe in:
– Love as Magical
– Love as fate
– Love at first sight
 Very
“American”
 Movie: Titanic / Romeo and Juliet /
Ghosts / Sweet Home Alabama / Natural
Born Killers / Princess Bride / Sleepless
in Seattle / Snow White, Sleeping Beauty
& Cinderella
– Hollywood loves eros love!
2) Ludus Love
 The

“Players” love
Will often:
– Keep their passions in check
– Avoid trouble and intensity
– Feel uncomfortable about commitment
– Keep secrets
– Have affairs



Remember, we all have a little ludus in us
When a relationship gets too intense (or is
no longer fun), they leave
Movie: Great Expectations / St. Elmo’s
Fire / Cruel Intentions / Dangerous
Liaisons
– Hollywood’s Formula: Ludus plays with Eros-Eros is crushed
3) Storge Love

Peaceful and slow
– Not passionate and intense

Friendship is key
– Difficult to separate from friendships

This love . . .
– Develops over time
– Endures long periods of inactivity or
excitement
» Lacks the heat of eros and the games of
ludus

Movie: Harry Met Sally / The Wedding
Singer / My Best Friends Wedding / Shrek /
You’ve Got Mail / Beauty and the Beast / 2
Weeks Notice / How To Lose A Guy /
Tootsie
4) Pragma Love




Practical
Looking for “types”
– Parents, $, race, nationality, family,
etc.
Love is logical & More stable
– Not magical, but rational
Movie: Pretty Woman / Bridges of
MC / As Good As It Gets /
Shakespeare in Love / Big Fat Greek
Wedding / Grease / Maid in
Manhattan / Notting Hill
– Hollywood Formula: Woman settles for
pragma love--but is unhappy
5) Mania Love
 Extreme
highs and lows
– Jealousy
– Obsessive
 Self-worth
comes from the
relationship
– Nothing else matters
 Movie: Fatal Attraction / Something

About Mary / American Beauty / The
Crush / Memento / Taxi Driver / Swim
Fan
Hollywood Formula: slashing tires,
stalking, going into exile, drinking,
etc..
6) Agape (Alan) Love
 This
love is . . .
– Compassionate
– Selfless
– Egoless
 No
concern for personal
reward or gain
– Want the best for the other
person
 Movie:
Forrest Gump / Man
Love a Women / John Q /
Casablanca /
Test Time
 Take
out pen and paper
 Number your paper from 1
to 24
 Select one relationship to
analyze
–
Past or Present
 Be
honest---these will NOT
be collected!
Love It!!
 1)
My lover and I have the perfect physical
chemistry between us
 2) I feel that my lover and I were truly meant
for each other (fate)
 3) My lover and I really understand each
other (soul mates)
 4) My lover fits my ideal standards of
physical beauty (my idea of a “10”)
 5) I try to keep my lover a little uncertain
about my commitment to him/her
 6) I believe that what my lover doesn’t know
about me won’t hurt him/her (I keep secrets)
Love??
 7)
It is important that our relationship is
fun and exciting
 8) When my lover gets too dependent
on me, I want them to back off
 9) To be genuine, love must develop
over time (not an over-night thing)
 10) I expect to always be friends with
my lover
 11) Our love is really a deep friendship,
not a mysterious, mystical emotion
 12) Our love is the most satisfying
because it developed from, and is based
on, a deep caring relationship
Too Sappy






13) In choosing my lover, I believed it was
best to love someone with a similar
background
14) A main consideration in choosing my
lover was whether my family would approve
15) An important factor in choosing a partner
is whether or not he/she would be a good
parent
16) One consideration in choosing my lover
was what career he/she selected
17) When things aren’t right with my lover
and me, my stomach gets upset
18) Sometimes I get so excited about being
in love with my lover that I can’t sleep
I Don’t Get It?
 19)
When my lover doesn’t pay
attention to me, I feel sick all over
(emotionally, physically, etc.)
 20)
I cannot relax if I suspect that
my lover is with someone else
 21) I try to always help my lover
through difficult times
 22) I would rather suffer myself
than let my lover suffer
 23) When my lover gets angry with
me, I still love him/her fully and
unconditionally
 24) I would endure all things for the
sake of my lover
Gotta Love the 80s
Calculating the Results:
 Statements
»
»
»
»
»
»
1-4 are Eros
5-8 are Ludus
9-12 are Storge
13-16 are Pragma
17-20 are Manic
21-24 are Agapic
 Highlight
–
Not All Love Is Healthy Love
your high and low brackets
3 to 4 “Trues or Falses” are Markers
Now What?
 1)
What do these findings tell you
about yourself?
–
–
–
Illuminate Mistakes?
Illuminate Successes?
Do you wish you could make
different decisions about love?
 2)
Do it again with another “love”
in mind
– See how they differ
 3)
Have your boy/girlfriend take
the test with you
I’m Embarrassed
General Findings
 I.
National Findings on Love
Test
– A. Men: Eros and Luduc
– B. Women: Manic, Pragma, and
Stroge
– C. Age and Evolution
» Eros and Mania are “young” loves
» In time, couples grow into Stroge
and Agape love
YUK!!
General Research
 II.
National Statistics on Love and Sex
– A. Infatuations
»
»
–
B. Gender and Virginity—Women Sooner
»
»
–
First infatuation (W: 13 / M: 13.6)
First love (W: 17.1/ M: 17.6)
Average age for 1st time sex: 16 W / 17 M
% of virgins 18-24 years: 6.2% W / 10.8% M
 Notice: Sex comes before love
Note: Since “oral sex” is not considered “sex,” figures are misleading
»
Many still consider themselves “virgins” even after multiple oral partners
General Research
 III.
Romantic Love (believe it or not)
– A. Married men have a more romantic
concept of love than their wives
» Men believe in love at first sight more
» More men believe love can overcome anything
– B. Twice as many women would marry for
reasons other than love
» In 1965, 75% of women said they would marry a
man they did not love if he fit the bill in other
ways
» Today, only about 10% of American women say
they would (Whitehead, 2003)
 49% in Indians
 51% in Pakistan
 III.
Romantic Love (cont.)
– C. After divorce, Men are more likely to
get re-married
» And sooner
– D. Married men are psychologically and
physically healthier, but not so for women
» Reason 1: Without their wives, most men have
no support system and no one to talk to about
life’s stresses

Men are 8 times more likely to commit suicide
after divorce
» Reason 2: Women do most of the work in
most relationships (even when both are
working outside the home)
General Findings
 IV. Age,
Love, and Sex (1999 AARP
Survey)
– 60% of couples 45-60 years old report
having sex once a week (the average for all
couples)
– 20% over 75 report having sex once a week
– After 50 years of age, men become more
romantic; women become more sexually
assertive
– Majority of couples over 55 report finding
their significant other more romantic and
attractive
Beautiful Film