Love in Interpersonal Relationships

in Interpersonal Relationships
Lecture by
Dr. Alan D. DeSantis
My Favorite Romantic Drama
Six Types of Love
From Lee (1976)
My Favorite Classic Romance
The Theory of Love Types
1. We have all of these 6 “love types” in
our relationships
2. What separates us is the degrees of
each (each person is different)
3. Degrees can change with time
– In 10 years, #6 is largest / #4 is smallest
4. Every relationship we have may
In your first relationship, you are insecure
& passionate
» (Because s/he was non-committal &
In your next, you are calm & relaxed
» (Because s/he was nurturing and warm)
Key: Others make us who we are in
My Chart
1) Eros Love
 Highly
passionate, sexual, &
 Often Believe in:
– Love as Magical
– Love as fate
– Love at first sight
 Very
 Movie: Titanic / Romeo and Juliet /
Ghosts / Sweet Home Alabama / Natural
Born Killers / Princess Bride / Sleepless
in Seattle / Snow White, Sleeping Beauty
& Cinderella
– Hollywood loves eros love!
2) Ludus Love
 The
“Players” love
Will often:
– Keep their passions in check
– Avoid trouble and intensity
– Feel uncomfortable about commitment
– Keep secrets
– Have affairs
Remember, we all have a little ludus in us
When a relationship gets too intense (or is
no longer fun), they leave
Movie: Great Expectations / St. Elmo’s
Fire / Cruel Intentions / Dangerous
– Hollywood’s Formula: Ludus plays with Eros-Eros is crushed
3) Storge Love
Peaceful and slow
– Not passionate and intense
Friendship is key
– Difficult to separate from friendships
This love . . .
– Develops over time
– Endures long periods of inactivity or
» Lacks the heat of eros and the games of
Movie: Harry Met Sally / The Wedding
Singer / My Best Friends Wedding / Shrek /
You’ve Got Mail / Beauty and the Beast / 2
Weeks Notice / How To Lose A Guy /
4) Pragma Love
Looking for “types”
– Parents, $, race, nationality, family,
Love is logical & More stable
– Not magical, but rational
Movie: Pretty Woman / Bridges of
MC / As Good As It Gets /
Shakespeare in Love / Big Fat Greek
Wedding / Grease / Maid in
Manhattan / Notting Hill
– Hollywood Formula: Woman settles for
pragma love--but is unhappy
5) Mania Love
 Extreme
highs and lows
– Jealousy
– Obsessive
 Self-worth
comes from the
– Nothing else matters
 Movie: Fatal Attraction / Something
About Mary / American Beauty / The
Crush / Memento / Taxi Driver / Swim
Hollywood Formula: slashing tires,
stalking, going into exile, drinking,
6) Agape (Alan) Love
 This
love is . . .
– Compassionate
– Selfless
– Egoless
 No
concern for personal
reward or gain
– Want the best for the other
 Movie:
Forrest Gump / Man
Love a Women / John Q /
Casablanca /
Test Time
 Take
out pen and paper
 Number your paper from 1
to 24
 Select one relationship to
Past or Present
 Be
honest---these will NOT
be collected!
Love It!!
 1)
My lover and I have the perfect physical
chemistry between us
 2) I feel that my lover and I were truly meant
for each other (fate)
 3) My lover and I really understand each
other (soul mates)
 4) My lover fits my ideal standards of
physical beauty (my idea of a “10”)
 5) I try to keep my lover a little uncertain
about my commitment to him/her
 6) I believe that what my lover doesn’t know
about me won’t hurt him/her (I keep secrets)
 7)
It is important that our relationship is
fun and exciting
 8) When my lover gets too dependent
on me, I want them to back off
 9) To be genuine, love must develop
over time (not an over-night thing)
 10) I expect to always be friends with
my lover
 11) Our love is really a deep friendship,
not a mysterious, mystical emotion
 12) Our love is the most satisfying
because it developed from, and is based
on, a deep caring relationship
Too Sappy
13) In choosing my lover, I believed it was
best to love someone with a similar
14) A main consideration in choosing my
lover was whether my family would approve
15) An important factor in choosing a partner
is whether or not he/she would be a good
16) One consideration in choosing my lover
was what career he/she selected
17) When things aren’t right with my lover
and me, my stomach gets upset
18) Sometimes I get so excited about being
in love with my lover that I can’t sleep
I Don’t Get It?
 19)
When my lover doesn’t pay
attention to me, I feel sick all over
(emotionally, physically, etc.)
 20)
I cannot relax if I suspect that
my lover is with someone else
 21) I try to always help my lover
through difficult times
 22) I would rather suffer myself
than let my lover suffer
 23) When my lover gets angry with
me, I still love him/her fully and
 24) I would endure all things for the
sake of my lover
Gotta Love the 80s
Calculating the Results:
 Statements
1-4 are Eros
5-8 are Ludus
9-12 are Storge
13-16 are Pragma
17-20 are Manic
21-24 are Agapic
 Highlight
Not All Love Is Healthy Love
your high and low brackets
3 to 4 “Trues or Falses” are Markers
Now What?
 1)
What do these findings tell you
about yourself?
Illuminate Mistakes?
Illuminate Successes?
Do you wish you could make
different decisions about love?
 2)
Do it again with another “love”
in mind
– See how they differ
 3)
Have your boy/girlfriend take
the test with you
I’m Embarrassed
General Findings
 I.
National Findings on Love
– A. Men: Eros and Luduc
– B. Women: Manic, Pragma, and
– C. Age and Evolution
» Eros and Mania are “young” loves
» In time, couples grow into Stroge
and Agape love
General Research
 II.
National Statistics on Love and Sex
– A. Infatuations
B. Gender and Virginity—Women Sooner
First infatuation (W: 13 / M: 13.6)
First love (W: 17.1/ M: 17.6)
Average age for 1st time sex: 16 W / 17 M
% of virgins 18-24 years: 6.2% W / 10.8% M
 Notice: Sex comes before love
Note: Since “oral sex” is not considered “sex,” figures are misleading
Many still consider themselves “virgins” even after multiple oral partners
General Research
 III.
Romantic Love (believe it or not)
– A. Married men have a more romantic
concept of love than their wives
» Men believe in love at first sight more
» More men believe love can overcome anything
– B. Twice as many women would marry for
reasons other than love
» In 1965, 75% of women said they would marry a
man they did not love if he fit the bill in other
» Today, only about 10% of American women say
they would (Whitehead, 2003)
 49% in Indians
 51% in Pakistan
 III.
Romantic Love (cont.)
– C. After divorce, Men are more likely to
get re-married
» And sooner
– D. Married men are psychologically and
physically healthier, but not so for women
» Reason 1: Without their wives, most men have
no support system and no one to talk to about
life’s stresses
Men are 8 times more likely to commit suicide
after divorce
» Reason 2: Women do most of the work in
most relationships (even when both are
working outside the home)
General Findings
 IV. Age,
Love, and Sex (1999 AARP
– 60% of couples 45-60 years old report
having sex once a week (the average for all
– 20% over 75 report having sex once a week
– After 50 years of age, men become more
romantic; women become more sexually
– Majority of couples over 55 report finding
their significant other more romantic and
Beautiful Film