Revision
“Writing is revising.”
Comments from Frances Fitzgerald’s editor
about a draft of her book Fire in the Lake
“The present material is pre first draft; it has not got
to the point where an editor can do anything with it.
It is so rough, so lacking in clarity, that all we can do
is throw up our hands.”
Fitzgerald’s Fire in the Lake went on to win the
Bancroft Prize for History, the National Book Award,
and the Pulitzer Prize.
How Long Does It Take to
Write an Essay for the Class?
From start to finish, it takes most students 8 to
10 hours to write a good essay.
One student’s response: “it takes me about 2
hours to write an essay and about 6 hours to
revise it.”
What Do You Do When You Revise?
Revising is not proofreading: you should not
write a first draft, proofread it, and turn it in
as your final draft.
Revising begins with the big things: the thesis,
the thesis statement, the organization, the
support and development of ideas.
Review the Thesis Statement
In one sentence, does the thesis statement (1)
identify your subject; (2) express, specifically, the
main points of your paper; and 3) identify how the
main points are logically related?
Example: “The photograph depicts a family suffering
from extreme poverty, but it also demonstrates the
determination of a mother to do her best to care for
her children and to endure through difficult times.”
Putting It All Together
Thesis: The photograph depicts a family suffering from
extreme poverty, but it also demonstrates the determination
of a mother to do her best to care for her children and to
endure through difficult times.”
1. The mother and her children are severely impoverished.
2. The mother in Lange’s photograph is responsible for the
survival and well being of her children, and it is clear that
she is doing her best to provide for her children.
3. The responsibility of caring for her family helps the
mother remain strong and determined not to be defeated
during these difficult times.
How Do Your Thesis Statement
and Topic Sentences Look?
Copy and paste your thesis statement and
each of your topic sentences at the end of
your essay.
This is an outline of your essay. How does it
look? What could you change to strengthen
it?
Revise Time
Make sure that each of your topic sentences
accurately expresses the main point of the
paragraph.
Put all of the main ideas from the topic
sentences together into a one-sentence thesis
statement.
Another Example
Thesis: Mansfield's "Miss Brill" illustrates the old woman's
attempt to alleviate loneliness by creating an alternate reality
for herself, yet she is ultimately forced to face the selfdeception for what it truly is.
1. Miss Brill's ritual of visiting the park every Sunday helps
her to cope with loneliness.
2. Miss Brill alters her perception of reality to avoid facing
unpleasant aspects of her life.
3. A series of events leads to Miss Brill's illusion being
shattered and forces her to realize the self-deception.
Developing Ideas within
Body Paragraphs
Each body paragraph should be focused on supporting
and developing the main idea or insight presented in the
topic sentence.
The main idea of each paragraph should be developed
with specific descriptions of parts of the painting or
photograph.
Each body paragraph should be at least half of a page
long (and that is a short paragraph).
Using Specific Descriptions
There should be a lot of specific description in
each body paragraph: many words that give
readers specific things to “see.”
“Show, Don’t Tell.”
See the examples on the “Using Specific and
Concrete Diction” course Web page.
Development of Body Paragraphs
The looks on the children’s faces tell a whole other story
about their life. These children’s expressions could mean
several different things. They could be wondering when their
parents will come home to take care of them. They could also
be wondering what is going to happen to them next. The
children’s faces look as if they were sad and wanted to know
how they were going to survive through this time of poverty
in their lives. They also look like they are looking around to
see if anyone was coming for them. You can see that they all
seem to be looking in different directions. The little girl looks
as if she were looking out into the distance for someone to
come and take her home. The boys are sitting there looking
other ways to see if their parents were coming back for them.
Development of Body Paragraphs
While maybe some would assume that the fellow monks
watching another of their own burning to death were sick and
disturbed, or at the very least very strange, it is possible to
think that others would say they were supporting him with his
cause. There are very little, if any, forms of protest as extreme
and shocking as suicide, and if given enough publicity there
are arguably none more effective. The monk burning himself
must have been extremely devoted to his cause in order to
commit suicide over it, and his fellow monks no doubt knew
this. When taking that into consideration the viewer of the
photograph can assume that the on looking monks are not
interfering because they are supporting their fellow monk and
his cause, in their own way.
Development of Body Paragraphs
In the painting, the couple appears to be at the edge of a
meadow of flowers. The woman’s feet are parallel with the
meadow’s end. Leaving her at the edge of the meadow can
represent her being on the edge of desire, or at the end of her
innocence, about to plunge into the unknown. The flowers
are a myriad of colors, which create a mosaic effect upon the
ground. As the meadow ends, it becomes a black and golden
abyss. It is possible that for the woman, this could also
represent her coming to the end of reason, to the end of her
choices, to the beginning of a new fate of which she is not
certain of the outcome yet.
Development of Body Paragraphs
Struggle is a natural part of human life, and can be clearly seen in the painting
of Christina. As she sits in the field, her legs, covered in white tights, are bent
awkwardly and sprawled out behind her, covered by the bottom of a pink
dress leading down to her brown, old-fashioned shoes, which makes her seem
as though she is unable to move her legs. Her knees are gently bent in a way
that proves she is unable to use them to crawl. Christina is alone in the middle
of the field surrounded by a sea of endless wheat, which explains that her
struggle is just with herself and her own body. Also, because she is very far
away from the house and in the very middle of the field, not by a road, she
looks as though she is abandoned. The gray sky also adds to the fact that she
is alone and makes the day look gloomy even though there are no
clouds. Looking through her point of view, her travels through the field may
look endless, since she is so far away from the house. Even when she finally
reaches the house, there is a fence all the way around the house, which shows
that once she gets to the fence, she still has obstacles in her way. All of these
elements in the painting together show Christina’s struggle with her physical
condition.
Your Body Paragraphs
How much specific description appears in the body
paragraphs of your essay?
Underline all of the words in a body paragraph that
present specific descriptions: these should be words
that will create images in the reader’s mind of exactly
what you see in the painting or photograph.
Yes, writing is revising!