Behind Closed Doors: Defending a
husband’s role identity against the
effects of memory loss
DINAH BISDEE, DEBBIE PRICE, TOM
DALY
BSG 2009, 3rd SEPTEMBER
INSTITUTE OF GERONTOLOGY
dinah.bisdee@kcl.ac.uk
debora.price@kcl.ac.uk
thomas.daly@kcl.ac.uk
2
Background – ‘Behind Closed Doors’ Project
 How do the financial resources of men and women differ
within and between older couples? What are the drivers of
difference?

Quantitative Study
 How do older couples view, manage and negotiate about
money? What (if any) are the implications of within-couple
unequal ownership of financial resources for the well-being
of older people and their families?

Two Qualitative Studies – focus groups and couple/individual interviews
 What ageing and ageist discourses and practices are
prevalent in the formulation of government policy relating
to money? How do these relate to the money practices of
older couples?

Policy Study
3
Identity and Older Couples
 Our qualitative research has thrown light on many
questions, but has also suggested many additional research
questions.
 Here we deal with issues of identity and role identity raised
by declining cognitive powers.
 We look at cases in which memory loss/ dementia have
impaired a spouse’s ability to manage household money,
and led to the other spouse’s taking on aspects of that role

Yet doing this in a surreptitious way so as not to undermine the self-esteem
of the person whose traditional role that was.
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What is Role Identity?
 Arose from symbolic interactionism: Mead, Stryker
 The concept of ‘role’ emerged to explain the relationship
between social structure and individual behaviour (n.b.
McCall & Simmons, 1966)

“The self…is composed of various identities (or role identities) and is lodged
in roles, relationships and statuses that develop as the self reflects upon itself
as an object.” (Adler & Adler, 1989)
 Role Identity: a kind of idealised view of one’s social role

“…the character and the role that an individual devises for himself as an
occupant of a particular social position….such a role identity is his
imaginative view of himself as he likes to think of himself being and acting
as an occupant of that position.” (McCall & Simmons, 1966, p.67, their
italics)
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Threats to Role Identity
 Actions not consonant with one’s imagined role, may be
regarded as threatening in some way, e.g. embarrassing or
shaming.


“The contents of a person’s role identities provide him with criteria for
appraising his own actual performances.”
“Men seek to live their lives and to live them in the light of their roleidentities.”
(McCall & Simmons, 1966)
 Family roles include: husband, wife, father, mother,
grandparent…… these lead to “familial role expectations”
(Stryker, 1968).
 To ‘enact’ and maintain perceived role identity, a person
looks for ‘role support’ from self and from others.
 If threats are not dealt with, may lead to loss of self-esteem,
feelings of failure, despair, even self-destruction.
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Example: Christopher Foster
Financial losses
threatened his view of
his role as husband and
father.
He shot his wife,
daughter and their
horses then burned their
house and shot himself.
“A millionaire in severe financial difficulties told friends of his
suicidal intent and fears that his wife and daughter would not cope if
they were forced to downgrade their lifestyles, an inquest heard
yesterday.” Guardian report of inquest, 3rd April 2009.
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Dealing with Threatened Role Identities
 Peter Burke with his ‘Identity Control Theory’ postulated a
feedback system whereby people would compare their role
performance with their ‘idealised’ role, and make modifications
to behaviour to try to ensure a match.
 Threats to role identities may be dealt with in a variety of ways,
e.g.



selective perception, selective interpretation such as overvaluing one’s own
performance
‘leaving the field’ – abandoning that role identity or reducing its salience to
oneself
finding excuses/ causes of particular failures, i.e. externalising them
 Role identity includes the imagined reactions of other people to
one’s performance of that role: thus, the role of husband implies
the reactions of a wife.

“Expectations of others define roles and enter the structure of the self.”
(Stryker & Statham, 1985, p.324)
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Identity, Older Couples and Money
 Burke recognised that the idealised role might change over
time (e.g. Burke 2006; Burke & Cast 1997).
 Stryker proposed a ‘hierarchy of salience’ of roles. The
relative salience of roles and role identities may develop
and change as people age.
 In particular, familial roles may become relatively more
important, as the salience of work-related identities
declines.
 In our research, we have found that traditional gender roles
in an older household seem often to be reflected in their
money practices



men dealing with expenditure commitments (e.g. relating to property and
cars)
women dealing with items liable to short-term variation (grocery shopping,
gifts, clothing)
men often controlling, though women may ‘manage’ (cf Pahl, 1989)
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Couple Identity and Dementia
 Our sample included 2-3 couples in which the husband was apparently
developing memory loss, dementia or Alzheimer’s, though this had not
necessarily been fully diagnosed
 Growing recognition among researchers that the couple and their
relationship have been omitted from thinking about dementia.


The couple’s marriage “.. creates a biography with a shared view of reality that is
altered by dementia, creating new social relations in marriage referred to in
symbolic interactionism as ‘joint production of meaning’.” (Davies & Gregory, 2007,
p. 486)
“Couples actively ‘work together’ to manage the ‘awareness’ of dementia in their
external relationships….. there is a case for considering that, for spouses at least, the
‘couple’ might be the primary focus.” (Hellström et al., 2005, p.19).
 Might someone help their spouse in ‘shoring up’ their identity in the
face of threats from illness or just from ageing?

Clear evidence of this in case study reported by Hellström et al. 2005: ‘Mr. Svensson’
helping to maintain his wife’s valued identity as a home baker, when her dementia
prevented her managing to bake on her own.
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Our Qualitative Research
 10 focus groups (men and women separately)
 45 older couples (one 65+) interviewed, together and
separately
 Maximum variation sampling (in and close to London)



Three different geographical areas – different points on scale of deprivation
Ethnic mix
Variation in age, health, disability, children & kin, living arrangements,
relationship status (cohab/married; 1st, 2nd, subsequent)
 Fieldwork completed, findings still being analysed.

This is ‘work in progress’!
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The Case of Alfie and Susan
 Both aged 71-75
 Former occupations: Alfie was in Army, then insurance




salesman; Susan was a catering manager
White British
Susan, their daughter and their doctor believe Alfie has
early stage Alzheimer’s
Alfie has not been told this
Alfie still manages the household bills to the extent that he
can: Susan insists that he is still capable of that although
she feels she should keep an eye on it.
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What Susan says
 Important to Alfie to fulfil his family role – and to Susan to
‘respect’ him in that role

“I mean he’s the sort of person that he always puts himself last, and he’s…y’know,
makes sure that we would be all right. I mean it hurts him a little way now that he
can’t do it quite so much, you know, but… we all respect him…”
 But he is developing memory problems

“Unfortunately, you know, between you and I, Alfie is in the very early stages
of….his memory and everything like that’s going. So ummm, it’s a matter of
keeping an eye on things a little bit at the moment.”
 Both Susan and their daughter try to behave so as to protect him
from knowledge of his condition


“…you try and be respectable about it and not disrespect him for it…..You know,
and he’s still a person isn’t he?... But he is in the early stages of it
unfortunately….He doesn’t know that we’ve been to the doctors or anything, you
know….He’s absolutely fantastic really for his age, but he hasn’t, his memory
bank is very bad at the moment.”
“He’s not aware, so you just have to respect that, don’t you really.”
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What Susan says (2)
 While he still manages aspects of their finances, she keeps a watchful
eye on things. He still looks after utility bills etc.


“He would do that. He’s quite capable of doing that.”
“Now, at this point in time, I would sort of umm, y’know, I would sort of perhaps
remind him or watch what…But then, when he’s got to do it, he’s quite capable of
doing it. Y’know. Something that’s presented in front of him immediately, he’s
perfectly all right.”
 Susan insists Alfie is still capable of looking after the bank account:

“Alfie would do that. He, y’know, he’s, at the moment he’s quite capable of doing that.”
 If she can reduce his responsibilities, he may feel less anxious

“… that will probably take a lot of pressure off of him, and he wouldn’t have to worry
quite so much.”
 She is hoping they will move so that she has less to take care of if he gets
worse:

“I was just trying to…narrow things down as much as possible, but…obviously he
doesn’t want to move….. you’ve got to approach it in a right way, because they’re not
aware that these things are happening to them, you know. And you, you mustn’t lose
the respect for them, you know.”
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The Case of Naresh and Devika
 Naresh is 65, Devika is 62
 Former occupations: Naresh was lab technician, Devika was




seamstress
Both are Indian, brought up in Tanzania
Naresh had had heart attack and heart bypass operation.
Since then he has suffered from memory loss and increased
anxiety.
It appears that Devika is trying to reduce his anxiety and
mitigate the effects of the memory loss by gradually and
tactfully taking on more of the financial organisation.
She and their son believe that if Naresh knew this was
happening, he would feel even more stressed.
15
What Devika says
Changes since Naresh had the heart attack/ bypass
 More stressed

“He doesn’t like to spend sometimes, you know…. he get’s worried so I don’t put him a
lot of stress on him because I’m worried, but it’s hard…Sometimes when the necessity
is, he is just scared.”
 Memory loss – she is gradually taking on more responsibility



“ He forgets, he forgets loads of things….he won’t remember things. He gets angry
when I tell him but I can see, I can see…. he knows it but he won’t ask me….there’s a
lot of difference”
Int: And do you feel you’re having to take more responsibility?
“Yeah definitely, after the heart attack…..He gets angry, he gets angry… that’s why I
don’t tell him now, you know. … But I can cope with it.”
 She and their son protect Naresh from the knowledge of his memory
loss, and the extent to which they are relieving him of stressful
responsibilities

“I tell my son, he said ‘Don’t tell him, don’t tell him.…don’t mention or he’ll be more
stressed.’ He says, don’t say anything.”
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What we found
 The study was designed to investigate older (65+) couplehood
and money management
 We found dementia/ memory loss to present interesting cases in
which couples apparently act to support each other’s identity and
family role.
 We had 2-3 cases of couples where the husband had, or was
apparently developing, dementia.

Evidence of ‘collusion’ between wife and (adult) children to defend family
roles
 Looking through the lens of management of household money, it
appeared that some important identity issues have been raised




Money management is usually seen as an important part of the ‘husband’
role identity
Inability to manage money may undermine the enacting of this role
Wife seemed to want to help him keep this role, or at least keep the illusion
of fulfilling it, so that his self-respect can be maintained within the family
context.
In supporting their husbands thus, did these wives also want to preserve
their own identity as ‘wife’?
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Implications and Further Questions
 It is striking that it is only recently that the issue of couplehood
has been considered in the context of dementia.
 Yet the importance of family role identity has been recognised for
many years.
 The evidence discussed here raises issues:



the extent to which a person with dementia (or other similar illness) may
suffer the loss of their family role and associated self-respect
the extent to which a spouse’s dementia may undermine their partner’s
identity and family role
whether the family of a person with dementia may behave to preserve the
integrity of family roles thus supporting not only the affected person, but the
whole family.
 It seems likely that there would be policy and practice
implications, in terms of the carers and families of dementia
victims.
 As always, further research is needed!
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Thank you!
dinah.bisdee@kcl.ac.uk
debora.price@kcl.ac.uk
thomas.daly@kcl.ac.uk
http://www.householdmoney.co.uk/
19
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