The Leader's Tongue
By Jon Byler
Overview
Our tongues are powerful instruments for good or for harm. As leaders the power of our tongue is
amplified. This lesson examines carefully a key verse on the tongue and practical ways this impacts our
life and leadership.
Objectives
After this lesson the participants will be able to:
 Understand the importance of the tongue
 Identify common sins of the tongue
 Recognize root causes of these sins
 Implement positive steps to change
TEXT: Eph.4:29
Introduction
Imagine that for the last month a tape recorder had been attached to your body and every
time you opened your mouth it began to record every word that you had spoken. And now before
the whole class it would be played back, slowly and clearly. How would you feel? Would you be
embarrassed at any word? Would you bow your head in shame?
Our words are powerful. The small tongue inside our mouth is the strongest part of our body.
It is so powerful that Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death.”
With our words we can build or destroy, create friends or enemies. Our words can encourage or
discourage; they can Speak truth or lies; they can bring peace or tension. Our words can cut like
a knife, or heal like a salve. It is with our words that we communicate our deepest feelings, hopes
and dreams. We can make someone smile or start fighting; we can create peace or a riot. Our
words have tremendous power. We can all remember some words spoken to you in childhood
that to this day bring joy or pain. How about in the last month? With such a powerful instrument
in our mouths it is little wonder that God is very concerned about our speech. The Bible has a lot
to say about our speech. The book of Proverbs alone has over 100 verses (out of 900) that deal
with our speech. As leaders, whatever we do is magnified since we are in front of others. Our
strengths and weaknesses all look greater than they really are. In that light it is very critical that
we learn to control our tongues.
Matthew 12:36 “--men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every
careless word they have spoken.” Careless words! I don't mind so much being judged for what
I say in this lesson because I have carefully planned what to say. But my careless words are a
different story!
Read Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is
helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Paul in this chapter is talking about things in our lives that must be changed. He wants the
believers to put away the old way of life and to put on the way of Jesus Christ. In this verse he
addresses one of the toughest areas to change, the way we talk. From it we can find three things
that Jesus wants to do with our tongue.
I.
JESUS WANTS YOUR TONGUE TO PUT AWAY UNWHOLESOME TALK
The Leader's Tongue, by Jon Byler, Notes p.1
Paul tells us first of all what should not come out of a believer's mouth, unwholesome talk,
talk which is not good and pleasing to God. What is unwholesome talk?
A. Unwholesome talk must be identified
Before we can stop unwholesome talk from coming out of our mouths we must identify it.
The surrounding verses and others from scripture help us understand some of the “unwholesome
talk” to which Paul was referring.
1. Falsehood (Ephesians 4:25)
Ephesians 4:25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to
his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
Speaking lies can be done directly when we openly state something that is not true, “I
wasn't there or I didn't do it” when in reality you were there and did do it. Speaking lies can.
be done also by giving a false impression. When we say, “I’ll be there” and we have no
intention of being there it is a false impression. Sometimes we give a false impression by
simply keeping quiet and allowing others to believe something that we know to be false.
Sometimes we give a false impression with our wonderful testimonies, “I’m fine and saved
and experiencing victory in the Lord.” In reality you may really be struggling in a certain area
and you are not being truthful with your brother. Another way we can speak lies is with
exaggeration. This is simply what we call “stretching the truth” for the purpose of making
our story sound much better to the audience. But can the truth be stretched? Certainly not! As
soon as we stretch the truth it becomes a lie. We are sometimes guilty of evangelistic
exaggeration. This is what happens after a mission or crusade in which 13 people got saved.
Someone asks you about the mission and your response is, “Around 15 people got saved.”
2. Words spoken in anger (Ephesians 4:26)
Ephesians 4:26, “’In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you
are still angry…”
Paul says here that in our anger we should not sin. Surely words that are spoken while we
are angry is one of the quickest ways that we can sin in our anger. When we are angry our
brain stops functioning properly but our mouth keeps on running. We say harsh and cutting
words, “I hate you!” “I'll never work here again.” “I’ll never lend you another tape.” These are
words that we later regret, but which cannot be recovered. We can see the hurt in the other
person's eyes but in our anger we feel justified for the hurt we have caused. Anger is one of
the top 10 killer’s of marriage.
3. Obscenity (Ephesians 5:4)
Ephesians 5:4, “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which
are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.”
Obscenity is talk that is designed to arouse sexual excitement. It is talk that is vulgar or
not focusing on things that bring glory to God. It is sometimes what we term “off color
joking”. Beware of jokes or stories that focus on sexual activities or on the parts of women's
bodies.
4. Foolish Talk (Ephesians 5:4; 2 Timothy 2:23)
Ephesians 5:4, “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which
are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.”
So much of the world's talk is just foolish. You can listen for 20 minutes and at the end
you say, “So what?” It is of no value or meaning. It is of no benefit. It may not be bad but it is
The Leader's Tongue, by Jon Byler, Notes p.2
not good. Does this mean that there is no room for “chitchat”? There is some room for
chitchat in the life of a believer but it should only occupy a small fraction of our talk and it
should lead to more meaningful conversation. In 2 Timothy 2:23, Paul warns Timothy, a
leader, “Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know
they produce quarrels.”
5. Coarse joking (Ephesians 5:4)
Ephesians 5:4, “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which
are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.”
Paul also speaks against coarse joking. Jokes are good and Christians should laugh a lot.
Paul does not condemn “jokes” but “coarse joking.” We must carefully guard the kind of
things at which we laugh. What guidelines should we use when deciding if a joke is good or
not? (Allow responses) Jokes that are at the expense of another person or tribe should not be
there. If it is questionable it is probably not worth laughing at or repeating.
The sixth example of unwholesome words we are to put off…
6. Too many words (Proverbs 10:19)
Too many words: Just plain talking too much! Do you know anyone like that? He always
has something say. He will talk and you everything he knows and then keep on talking! This
is a tough issue for sanguines!
What's wrong with talking too much? Proverbs 10:19, says, “ When words are many,
sin is not absent.” Those who talk too much will inevitably end up committing a sin with
their speech. When the truth is finished, lies will follow. When a good report is over, a bad
report will continue. When nice things to be said are all gone, slander or gossip will continue.
Those who talk too much also sin by not listening to others. James 1:19, “Everyone should
be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry...” God gave us two ears and
one mouth, apparently we should listen twice as much as we talk!
“You can win more friends with your ears than with your mouth!”
2 Timothy 2: 16 (to a leader) says, “Avoid godless chatter because those who indulge in
it will become more and more ungodly.”
Ecclesiastes 5:1-3 warns of talking to God too much! Keep your prayers free from
unnecessary words! Ecclesiastes 5:2, “Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty
in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let
your words be few.”
Beware of the person who talks too much! He/she has a problem.
7. Flattery (Proverbs 26:28)
Flattery is saying things about other people to win favor. Prov. 26:28 “... a flattering mouth
works ruin.”
People who use flattery think that they will gain control by using their tongues. We don't call
it flattery, we call it “buttering up”. “Pastor, that was a dynamic sermon... could you give me
some money for bus fare?”
8. Swearing (Matthew 5:34)
In Matthew 5:34, 37, Jesus makes it very clear that his followers are not to swear. Matthew
5:34, 37, “But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne;
….Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the
evil one.” Why? Because swearing indicates that we do not always tell the truth. If I swear to tell
The Leader's Tongue, by Jon Byler, Notes p.3
the truth I imply that at times when I do not swear I am not reliable. We can also swear when we
use God’s name in vain.
9. Gossiping (Proverbs 16:28; 18:8, I Timothy 5:13)
Gossip is saying things about a person that shouldn't be said. 1 Timothy 5:13, “Besides,
they [widows]get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not
only do they become idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying things they ought not
to.”
Gossip is one of the most damaging sins in the church! Proverbs 16:28 says, “. . . a gossip
separates close friends” Oh, how many relationships have been destroyed by words of gossip?
How many churches have been split because of gossip? Sometimes we think that we just have to
tell someone what we heard from or about so and so.
WE DO NOT HAVE TO REPEAT EVERYTHING THAT WE KNOW. Many times
we are guilty of “spiritual gossip” which starts as a “prayer request.” “We need to pray for Mama
Njoroge, did you hear ....”
We all have a desire to know everything that is going on. Gossip feels good and meets this
desire. Proverbs 18:8 says, “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels: they go down to
a man's inmost parts.”
Gossip always tears people down; it never builds up
10. Slander (Proverbs 10: 18; Tittus 3:1, 2)
Slander is saying something untrue about a person; deliberately spreading a false report. It is
closely related to gossip but gossip can be truth at times. Slander is always false and usually done
with the intent to harm.
Sometimes we are guilty of slander w/o even realizing it; we don't check out the facts.
BEWARE OF PASSING ALONG INFORMATION YOU'RE NOT SURE ABOUT.
Proverbs 10: 18 “whoever spreads slander is a fool.” Tit. 3:1,2, “Remind people to
slander no one.”
There are many other sins of speech that we don't have time to look: Grumbling, quarreling,
complaining, boasting, criticizing, filthy language,
Review: Unwholesome talk must be identified…..
B. Unwholesome talk must be stopped
Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths….”
1. This is a command
Paul gives us a command here. We are to not allow “any” unwholesome talk come out of our
mouths. This is not a suggestion for those who want to be first-class believers; nor is it a prayer
request. It is a command and commands are to be obeyed!
2. We are in control of our tongues
We can obey this command because we are in control of our tongues. We must accept
responsibility for all that comes out of our mouths. We can't blame the other person with “He
made me say that!” We can't shift responsibility to our mother, “Well my mother was always a
big talker.” Your mother may have a great influence on you but she did not make you gossip!
C. Unwholesome talk must be dealt with completely
Paul says that we must not allow “any” unwholesome talk come out of our mouths. We
should not be satisfied to reduce our unwholesome talk although that is desirable, but we are to
The Leader's Tongue, by Jon Byler, Notes p.4
completely eliminate it from our lives. Paul doesn't want to reduce the flow of garbage, he
wants to eliminate it altogether!
If we would only obey this part of the verse our speech would immediately improve 50% and
the volume of talk would also probably be reduced by more than 50%!
Having looked at what we are to eliminate from our tongues, let us look at what Jesus wants
with our tongue. Jesus is interested in getting rid of the bad, yes, but he wants more than that.
II. JESUS WANTS YOUR TONGUE TO BUILD OTHERS UP
Paul states first the general principle: “Only what is helpful for building others up...” The
speech that comes out of our mouths is to build others up. There are several characteristics given
of this up building talk.
A. Up building talk is according to the needs of the other
Paul says that this speech should be “according to their needs...” Our speech is to meet the
needs of others.
1. Our speech is often according to our needs
Stop and analyze your speech. I think you will find that much of your speech is to meet a
need that you have.
We may have a need to be recognized so we speak with jokes or loud talk to help others
notice us.
We may have a need to feel important, so we whisper the weakness of another person. In
doing so we elevate ourselves to a superior position.
We may have a need to be loved, so we speak words of flattery, hoping to win the love we so
desperately desire.
We may have a need to feel accepted so we share a long testimony and try to act like the
others.
So much of our talking comes to meet a need that we have. It is focused on me.
2. Our speech should focus on the needs of the other
As believers we are to stop focusing on ourselves and focus on the other person. This is the
love that God had towards us; an unselfish, giving love.
Others have needs also. They also need to be recognized; listen to them and verbally
acknowledge their contribution.
They need to feel important; compliment a strength that you have observed in them.
They need to feel loved; tell them, “I love you” and show it by your actions.
They need to feel accepted; tell them of your struggles and they will not feel so all alone.
Our speech should reach out and meet the needs of the other person. Before we should open
our mouth we should think, “What are the needs of this person and what can I say that will meet
that need?”
B. Up building talk is beneficial to the listener
“That it may benefit those who listen.”
When we speak according to the needs of the other, our talk will benefit them. Our words
will have value, they will bring blessing and healing.
You may have known a person who always seems to have something helpful to say to you.
This is the kind of person that when you are low you just want to visit them because you know
that whatever he/she says will be what you need Such people are rare indeed but today I want to
challenge each of you to become a person like that.
The Leader's Tongue, by Jon Byler, Notes p.5
After each conversation we should be able to say, “ I met a need with that person.” This
doesn't always mean we say what people want to hear or that we can't give a rebuke or challenge
since often that is what will really benefit a person. But let our conversation bring benefit to that
person whether by encouragement, challenge, or rebuke.
C. Up building talk is the exclusive talk of the believer
“Only what is helpful”
Our text says that this kind of up building talk is to be the only talk that comes out of our
mouths. Just as we were to completely rid ourselves of the unwholesome talk, so also we are to
make this up building talk the only talk that comes from our mouths.
Obedience to this command would immediately eliminate much of our talk!
III. JESUS WANTS YOUR TONGUE TO BE CHANGED
By this time you may be discouraged. Your tongue is out of control and it looks impossible to
change. What can be done? Here are four steps to change your tongue.
A. Confess your sin (1 John 1:9)
1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins
and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
We must first acknowledge our sin as it is, sin. It is not a weakness or a problem, but a sin!
We confess our sin to God and when necessary to others. James 5:16, “Therefore confess
your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Often when we
have offended someone with wrong speech, the most powerful incentive to change is to go to
that person and ask forgiveness. This helps you to take the issue seriously and will cause you to
really think the next time that you are tempted to sin. You will remember the pain of going to
another person and you won't be likely to repeat the mistake.
B. Ask God to change your heart (Luke 6:45)
When we have a problem with our tongue, the root of the problem is our heart. Luke 6:45
says, “For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” We hurt others with our words
because we lack love; we gossip because we lack respect for our brother; and we lie because of
our pride. Ask God to reveal the root of the problem with your tongue. It is a heart problem.
C. Memorize the Word
The best way that I know to change our hearts is to get the Word of God deep inside us
through memorization. David says in Psalm 119:9,11, “How can a young man keep his way
pure? By living according to your word ....Your word I have hid in my heart that I might
not sin against you.”
Hide the word of God in your heart and I can assure you it will begin to change your speech.
Memorize verses that deal with the problem you have. If it is lying, memorize verses that
speak of lying. If it is gossip, memorize verses that deal with that subject. The word of God will
begin to change your tongue.
D. Give God time! (Philippians 1:6)
Change takes time. Don't expect your speech to change completely overnight, although it can
begin to change tonight. It has taken you 20 years to learn the habits of speech that you have and
it will take some time to change them.
Philippians 1:6 says, “He that began a good work in you will carry it on to completion
until the day of Christ Jesus.” Change is a process. Often when we confess a sin we will
The Leader's Tongue, by Jon Byler, Notes p.6
repeat it later. Take gossip as an example. We confess it, repent and ask God to change us. But
we do it again! But now we quickly recognize it and repent. The next time we realize it is sin
while we are saying it. We repent and stop. Then we recognize it just when it is on our lips and
we stop before we say it. Then God deals with our hearts and we no longer even want to say it!
Let him begin that good work on your tongue today. (Give a personal testimony of how God
has helped you to change your pattern of speech.)
The Leader's Tongue, by Jon Byler, Notes p.7
The Leader's Tongue
By Jon Byler
Overview
Our tongues are powerful instruments for good or for harm. As leaders the power of our tongue is amplified. This
lesson examines carefully a key verse on the tongue and practical ways this impacts our life and leadership.
Objectives
After this lesson the participants will be able to:
 Understand the importance of the tongue
 Identify common sins of the tongue
 Recognize root causes of these sins
 Implement positive steps to change
Introduction (Proverbs 18:21; Matthew 12:36)
With our words we can build or destroy, create friends or enemies. Our words can encourage or
discourage; they can speak truth or lies; they can bring peace or tension. Our words can cut like a knife, or heal
like a salve. It is with our words that we communicate our deepest feelings, hopes and dreams. We can make
someone smile or start fighting; we can create peace or a riot.
The book of Proverbs alone has over 100 verses (out of 900) that deal with our speech.
As leaders, whatever we do is magnified since we are in front of others. Our strengths and weaknesses all
look greater than they really are. In that light it is very critical that we learn to control our tongues.
Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building
others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
I. JESUS WANTS YOUR TONGUE TO PUT AWAY ___________________________TALK
A. Unwholesome talk must be ________________
1._______________________ (Ephesians 4:25)
Speaking lies can be done also by giving a false impression.
Another way we can speak lies is with exaggeration.
2. Words spoken in _________________ (Ephesians 4:26)
3. _______________________ (Ephesians 5:4)
Obscenity is talk that is designed to arouse sexual excitement.
4.___________________________ Talk (Ephesians 5:4; 2 Timothy 2:23)
5. Coarse ______________________ (Ephesians 5:4)
6. Too many ______________________ (Proverbs 10:19; James 1:19; 2 Timothy 2: 16; Ecclesiastes 5:1-3)
God gave us two ears and one mouth, apparently we should listen twice as much as we talk
“You can win more friends with your ears than with your mouth!”
Beware of the person who talks too much! He/she has a problem.
The Leader's Tongue, by Jon Byler Outline p.1
7.______________________ (Proverbs 26:28)
Flattery is saying things about other people to win favor
8. __________________________________ (Matthew 5:34)
9. ______________________(Proverbs 16:28; 18:8, 1 Timothy 5:13)
This is one of the most damaging sins in the church.
WE DO NOT HAVE TO REPEAT EVERYTHING THAT WE KNOW!
10. _________________________________ (Proverbs 10: 18; Titus 3:1, 2)
Slander is saying something untrue about a person; deliberately spreading a false report. It is closely related
to gossip but gossip can be truth at times. Slander is always false and usually done with the intent to harm.
BEWARE OF PASSING ALONG INFORMATION YOU'RE NOT SURE ABOUT.
B. Unwholesome talk must be __________________
1. This is a ____________________
2. We are in control of our_______________________
C. Unwholesome talk must be dealt with _____________________
Paul doesn't want to reduce the flow of garbage, he wants to eliminate it altogether!
If we would only obey this part of the verse our speech would immediately improve 50% and the volume of talk
would also probably be reduced by more than 50%!
II. JESUS WANTS YOUR TONGUE TO ___________________________ OTHERS UP
A. Up building talk is according to _________ of the other
Paul says that this speech should be according to their needs... Our speech is to meet the needs of others.
1. Our speech is often according to ______ needs
Stop and analyze your speech. I think you will find that much of your speech is to meet a need that you
have.
We may have a need to be recognized so we speak with jokes or loud talk to help others notice us.
We may have a need to feel important, so we whisper the weakness of another person. In doing so we
elevate ourselves to a superior position.
We may have a need to be loved, so we speak words of flattery, hailing to win the love we so desperately
desire.
We may have a need to feel accepted so we share a long testimony and try to act like the others.
So much of our talking comes to meet a need that we have. It is focused on me.
2. Our speech should focus on the needs of the _______________
As believers we are to stop focusing on ourselves and focus on the other person. This is the love that God
had towards us; an unselfish, giving love.
Others have needs also. They also need to be recognized; listen to them and verbally acknowledge their
contribution.
They need to feel important; compliment a strength that you have observed in them.
They need to feel loved; tell them, “ I love you” and show it by your actions.
They need to feel accepted; tell them of your struggles and they will not feel so all alone.
Our speech should reach out and meet the needs of the other person. Before we should open our mouth we
should think, “What are the needs of this person and what can I say that will meet that need?”
The Leader's Tongue, by Jon Byler Outline p.2
B. Up building talk is ____________________ to the listener
After each conversation we should be able to say, “I met a need with that person.”
C. Up building talk is the _______________________ talk of the believer
Obedience to this command would immediately eliminate much of our talk.
III. JESUS WANTS YOUR TONGUE TO BE _______________
By this time you may be discouraged. Your tongue is out of control and it looks impossible to change. What can
be done? Here are four steps to change your tongue.
A. ________________ your sin (1 John 1:9)
We must first acknowledge our sin as it is, sin. Often when we have offended someone with wrong speech, the
most powerful incentive to change is to go to that person and ask forgiveness. This helps you to take the issue
seriously and will cause you to really think the next time that you are tempted to sin. You will remember the pain of
going to another person and you won't be likely to repeat the mistake.
B. Ask God to change your ___________________ (Luke 6:45)
WHEN WE HAVE A TONGUE PROBLEM WE NEED TO CHECK OUR HEART.
C. ________________ the word (Psalm 119:9, 11)
Memorize verses that deal with the problem you have. If it is lying, memorize verses that speak of lying. If it is
gossip, memorize verses that deal with that subject. The Word of God will begin to change your tongue.
D. Give God ____________! (Philippians 1: 6)
The Leader's Tongue, by Jon Byler Outline p.3
The Leader’s Tongue
Action Assignment
1. Evaluate your tongue in each of the following areas. Mark the column that best describes your tongue
from one to five (one is bad; five is totally Spirit-controlled!)
Area of speech evaluated
1. Lying
2. Words spoken in anger
3. Obscenity
4. Foolish Talk
5. Coarse Joking
6. Too many words
7. Flattery
8. Swearing
9. Gossiping
10. Slander
1
2
3
4
5
Comment
2. Now go to a very close friend (your spouse if you are married.) Ask them to do the same evaluation about
your speech. Don’t allow them to see the one you did above. Ask them to be totally honest!
Remember, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted!” (Prov. 27:6)
Area of speech evaluated
1
2
3
4
5
Comment
1. Lying
2. Words spoken in anger
3. Obscenity
4. Foolish Talk
5. Coarse Joking
6. Too many words
7. Flattery
8. Swearing
9. Gossiping
10. Slander
3. After comparing both your evaluation and that of your friend which are the two areas which need the most
improvement in your life? _______________________________ and _________________________.
Ask your spouse (or the person who evaluated you) to pray with you asking God for change in those areas.
Mark here when you have done this _________.
4. Review your outline notes, especially the bottom of p. 2 and the top of p. 3. Think about the two areas that
you mentioned above that need improvement in your life. What are the “needs” that you have that
contributed to that manner of speaking? ______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________ what
“heart” problem might it be related to? (pride ,selfishness, envy, lust, etc.) __________________ Ask God
to change your heart in this area.
5. Memorize Eph. 4:29 in a translation of your choice. After you have memorized it find someone to repeat it
to. Have them complete the following:
I ____________________ (name of person listening) have listened to __________________________
Reciting Eph. 4.29. He/She made (no, a few minor, several minor, major) mistakes. (underline the one
That is applicable). Signed: ______________________________ Date: ___________________
The Leader's Tongue, by Jon Byler Outline p.4