A
Mental & Emotional
Tool Kit
For
Teachers
To fix anything that might be broken
and build something better
“The problems of man are man-made.
They can be solved by man”
John F. Kennedy
“You can’t solve a problem with the
same mind that created it”
Albert Einstein
The “Tools”
Life skills, formulas, sayings, strategies,
new ways of looking at things
1
To understand and appreciate the important role emotion
plays in everyday life
2
To have Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA) and
Other Acceptance (UOA)
3
To develop an Internal Locus of Control
4
To recognize Irrational Thinking in yourself and others
5
To know how to correct Irrational Thinking
6
To have a step-by-step approach to troublesome life events
that allows you to get into the best possible cognitive and
emotional place to make the best behavioral choice for
yourself and others
7
To assert yourself with I Messages
8
To recognize whey you and others have Mistaken Goals
9
To evaluate your own thoughts, feeling and actions with
respect to you real life goals
10 To understand why change is hard, and what it takes to
change how we think, feel, say and do things
Tool #1
To understand and appreciate the important role
emotion plays in everyday life
E-motion can be helpful ENERGY to MOVE. For example,
Frustration, Disappointment, Irritation, Annoyance
Concern, Sadness, Regret and Remorse
Can motivate us to do things to make our lives better
A DYSFUNCTIONAL amount of emotion defined:
-
More than is necessary or helpful to a situation
More than we’d like to have
More than we know what to do with
More than is healthy for us
A type, and amount that works against us instead of for us
Emotions that tend to be dysfunctional include:
Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Guilt, Hurt, Loneliness
People do unhealthy, self-defeating things when they feel these
ways
Generating these emotions is perfectly understandable, part of being
human, and nothing to be ashamed of.
Factors that determine whether emotion is functional or not
F = Frequency I = Intensity D = Duration
A dysfunctional amount of emotion works against us because it:
-
makes us react instead of respond to life events
makes us less likely to consider consequences before acting
makes it harder to access and act on good advice/information
makes it less likely we’ll learn from our own/others experience
-
may cause us to violate our own morals and values
makes it harder to function at levels we’re capable of
gives purpose to unhealthy, self-defeating behavior
acts as a driving force behind Mistaken Goals
makes otherwise smart people do stupid things
“There are two ways to make a situation you don’t like worse. Do
nothing and overreact to it”
Marc Denny
“A problem is a misbehavior that gets mismanages”
Alfred Adler
“If you can’t make something better, at least don’t make it worse”
First do no harm rule (Medicine)
RESPONSE-ABILITY
The ability to RESPOND to life events in the best possible way
instead of just REACT to them. A dysfunctional amount of
emotion makes people less response-ABLE
If you analyze all the things that go wrong in and outside the
classroom, now and later in the lives of young people, you find they
are either defined by generating a dysfunctional amount of emotion,
or caused by what people do because of it, or to get relief from it.
That’s why effective emotional management is the #1 life skill
Life Skills Model (Rough Spot Training by Terry London)
Emotional management
Self-soothing and regulation
Goal formation and attainment
Problem solving
Communication
Behavioral skills training
Literacy and academic skills
Terry London quotes
“A person’s behavior will follow his/her emotions toward
his/her life events”
“A person who cannot control their emotional response to
his/her life events will either make poor behavioral choices or
sabotage his/her performance”
“If a person is deficient in emotional management then limit
setting, behavioral modification and behavioral skills training
will have a limited and short-term effect”
You have to be in the right cognitive and emotional place to do what
is best for you and others, and what you’re capable of
ANGER
“Anger is an adult throwing a temper tantrum” Albert Ellis
The #1 Enemy of Effectiveness for teachers, especially with the
most troubled and troublesome students
“Anything you can do when you’re angry, you can do better
when you’re not”
Terry London
Getting angry with students can reinforce the very behavior
you dislike (You and they think THEY make you angry = power)
People like being angry because it gives them a false sense of
Power, Righteousness, Permission, and Protection
Anger often serves a purpose for students
Anger is often a symptom of other feelings they need help with
ANXIETY
Anxiety is a figment of imagination. It about things that have not
happened yet, and often never do.
The formula for anxiety:
CATASTROPHIZE + AWFULIZE = ANXIETY
Anxiety disorder = you spend too much time in your imagination
Anxiety can make what students do seem like a bigger threat than
it is, and exacerbate anger
SHAME
What people feel when they believe they don’t live up to their
own or others’ expectations
Plenty of expectations = Plenty of opportunities to feel shame
Shame can be the primary feeling someone seeks relief from
“SHAME blocks CHANGE” Albert Ellis
Shame makes people keep secrets and refuse help
Shame about the past leads to anxiety, worry and dread about the
future
Students often use anger to protect themselves from feeling shame
Students with a lot of shame can be like rattlesnakes. What they
say and do in anger is all defensive.
Tool #2
To have Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA) and
Other Acceptance (UOA)
Why it’s important: SHAME. Because SHAME blocks CHANGE
New ways of looking at things to help develop USA
1) Anything we think, feel, say or do is understandable
That does NOT mean it’s healthy, helpful or acceptable
2) Put others through exactly what we’ve been through, and they’d
probably end up thinking, feeling, saying and doing pretty much
the same things. And maybe even worse
3) We’ll never be the first person in history to think, feel, say or do
something. We’re never going to be the last either. We’ll
always have a lot of company. It’s part of being human
4) We all do the best we can at the time, given what we’ve been
through, and the situations we find ourselves in.
5) No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. That’s why we
have police, paramedics, emergency rooms, therapists, etc.
6) We’re all FHB’s, or Fallible Human Beings who at times think,
feel, say & do things that make our lives worse instead of better
7) It’s nothing to be ashamed of
8) Beating up on ourselves doesn’t help. It just makes it
harder to face things, and fix what needs fixing.
Advantages of Unconditional Other Acceptance (UOA)
-
Less likely to take things personally
Generate less emotion
Allows you to respond instead of react, be more effective
Allow you to hang in there longer for others
Makes you a better teacher, parent, spouse, teammate, etc.
Tool #3
To develop an Internal Locus of Control
Most people have an external locus of control. They believe that
what others say and do, and what happens causes how they feel
The problem: it makes how they feel depend on other people
and events in our lives that they often can’t and don’t control
This causes them to:
1) feel worse than necessary or helpful, for longer than necessary
2) miss many opportunities to feel better
The real formula for feelings:
EVENT + THOUGHTS = FEELINGS
Thoughts cause feelings, not events
It’s like that math formula a + b = c, where a is a constant and b is
a variable. If a stays the same and you change b, c changes
The ABC Theory of Emotions (Dr. Albert Ellis)
A = Activating Event
B = Beliefs
C = Consequences (feelings, behavior)
What this means:
-
People don’t make us mad, we make ourselves angry
Jobs and kids don’t stress us out. We stress ourselves out
No one makes us feel guilty. We make ourselves feel guilty
No one hurts our feelings, or makes us feel bad about ourselves
People can’t put pressure on us (including peer pressure)
People can’t and don’t make us happy
Feelings, stress and pressure come from inside us, not from outside.
We all have a host of Cognitive Choices we make all the time that
really determine how we feel
1) How we LOOK at what happens
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)
What MEANING we attach to what happens
What we REMEMBER about the past
What we IMAGINE will happen in the future
What we FOCUS on
What we COMPARE things to
What we EXPECT of ourselves, others and life
How much IMPORTANCE we attach to what does happen
What we spend our time THINKING about
Our last freedom is our ATTITUDE
Developing an internal locus of controls means
- Learning and reminding ourselves of what the real cause of our
feelings are
- Reminding ourselves of the cognitive choices we have
- Learning to use that knowledge to our advantage
It also means
- Learning and reminding ourselves of what we do and don’t
control, and focusing on and working with what we do
- We can’t and don’t control what others think, feel, say or do
Others can think, feel, say and do whatever they want to
- We only control what WE think, feel, say or do
To develop an
Internal Locus of Control
To remind you that you have more control over how you feel than
you think you do, or give yourself credit for
It’s just an event
It’s my choice how I look at things
It’s my choice what meaning I go with
It’s my choice what I focus on
It’s my choice what I compare it to
It’s my choice what I want to expect of myself, others, life
It’s my choice what I remember about the past
It’s my choice what I imagine ahead of time
It’s my choice what I spend my time thinking about
It’s my choice how I want to feel
No one upsets me, I upset myself
Others don’t make me mad, I do
My thoughts cause my feelings, not them
I’m disturbing myself about that
I upset myself when that happens
I’m responsible for how I feel, not them
They’re not responsible for how I feel, I am
It’s not their problem if I feel bad, it’s mine
It’s my problem if I feel bad, not theirs
It’s not their job to make me feel better, it’s mine
It’s my job to make myself better, not theirs
I can’t control what others think, feel, say or do
I only control what I think, feel, say and do
They can think, feel, say and do whatever they want to
No one has to think, feel, say or do what I want
Developing an Internal Locus of Control also means learning to
avoid taking unnecessary responsibility for how others make
themselves feel
To avoid taking unnecessary responsibility for how others make
themselves feel
Whatever I say or do is just an event for them
It’s their choice how they look at things
It’s their choice what meaning they go with
It’s their choice what they focus on
It’s their choice what they compare things to
It’s their choice what they want to expect
It’s their choice what they want to imagine
It’s their choice what they remember about the past
It’s their choice what they spend their time thinking about
It’s their choice how they want to feel
No one upsets them, they upset themselves
I don’t make them mad, they do
Their thoughts cause their feelings, not me
They’re disturbing themselves about that
They upset themselves when that happens
They’re responsible for how they feel, not me
I’m not responsible for how they feel, they are
It’s not my problem if they feel bad, it’s theirs
It’s their problem if they make themselves feel bad, not mine
It’s not my job to make them feel better, it’s theirs
It’s their job to make themselves better, not mine
I can’t control what others think, feel, say or do
I only control what I think, feel, say and do
They can think, feel, say and do whatever they want to
They don’t have to think, feel, say or do what I want
Tool #4
To recognize Irrational Thinking
Four types of irrational thinking identified by Dr. Albert Ellis
Demandiness
Awfulizing
Can’t stand it-itis
Label and damning
Rule #1 You have the right to want whatever you want
Mistakes people make are:
- To think they NEED things they simply want
- To start treating simple preferences as NECESSITIES
- To start to DEMAND what they simply desire
Rule #2 The bigger the difference between our expectations and
reality, the more emotion we’ll generate needlessly
Demand
Feeling we get
Others…………….Anger
Self ………………Anxiety (before) Shame, Guilt (after)
Loneliness
Life………………Depression, Boredom, Anxiety
Rule #3: When people think they need things they simply want, it
can make otherwise smart people do stupid things
Rule #4: Behavior intended to satisfy a perceived need will win over
behavior intended to satisfy a rational preference
Rule #5: You have a right to like or dislike whatever you want to
The mistakes we make are to:
- Tell ourselves we can’t stand things we simply don’t like
- Condemn the doer instead of the deed
Four types of Irrational Thinking – the choices we have
Brainstorming Irrational Beliefs
Thought Catching
Turning Private Talk into Public Speech
Speculative Hypothesizing
Demands
Feelings
Pronouns:
How dare….?
How could….?
Can’t
Shouldn’t
Have to
Should
Need
Others
Anger
They, You
He, She
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
Self
Anxiety
Shame, Guilt
Loneliness
I
Life
Anxiety
Depression
Boredom
This
It
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
Awfulizing
It’s really awful that + EVENT
It’d be awful if + IMAGINED EVENT
Can’t Stand It-itis
I can’t stand when + EVENT
I couldn’t stand it if + IMAGINE EVENT
I’d just die if + IMAGINED EVENT
I’ll go crazy if + IMAGINED EVENT
Label and Damning
They’re ____ for BEHAVIOR
I’m ____ for BEHAVIOR
They’d be ____ to BEHAVIOR
I’d be ____ to BEHAVIOR
Tool #5
Correcting Irrational Thinking
1)
Apply the Scientific Method to our thoughts and comments
Every thought and comment is our personal theory or
hypothesis about the way life is or should be
Does the evidence support or refute our theories/hypotheses?
Does it suggest alternative and better theories/hypotheses?
2)
Is that a fact or opinion?
3)
How dare they…...?
How could they….?
How could I……...?
4)
Why do they have to?
They have to or you just want them to?
EASILY
EASILY
EASILY
Why can’t they?
They can’t or you just don’t want them to?
Why is that so awful?
Is it awful, or just unpleasant, inconvenient, or uncomfortable?
Is it awful like __________?
Why can’t you stand it?
Are you going to die or go crazy?
You can’t stand it, or just don’t like it?
Why are they _____ just because they did that?
They’re _____, or just did a _____ thing?
They’re _____, or just did something you didn’t like?
They’re _____, or just a fallible human being?
5)
Rewrite our demands as desires using I-Messages
Example: They can’t talk to me like that
I don’t want them to talk to me like that
Tool #6
A step-by-step approach to life events
A
=
Activating Event
Step 1 or 2
What happened?
What are you imagining might happen?
B
=
Beliefs (recognizing irrational thinking)
Step 3
What were you thinking?
What were you telling yourself?
What was going through your head?
What would you have to think or tell yourself?
C
=
Consequences (feel, do)
Step 1 or 2
How did you make yourself feel?
What, if anything, did you do?
Did that make your life better or worse?
What might have been your Mistaken Goal?
D
=
Disputing (correcting irrational thoughts)
Step 4
E
=
Effective Coping Statements
Step 5
What could you tell yourself instead?
F
=
Functional Amount of Emotion
G
=
Generate Options
Step 6
Put your behavior where you want your attitude to be
H
=
Healthier, Happier, Hopeful
Step E
Effective Coping Statements
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No one makes me do anything
It’s my choice what I want to do
I always have a choice
I can only do so much
I don’t have to be perfect
I did the best I could at the time
It won’t help to beat up on myself
What I did was understandable
I’m just a fallible human being
I don’t have to do anything
I can do whatever I want to
Whatever I do is good enough
I’d like to, but I don’t need to
Everyone makes mistakes
It’s nothing to be ashamed of
What I do is totally up to me
I’m not the first person to do that
I certainly won’t be the last either
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No one makes them do anything
They always have a choice
They don’t have to do anything
They can only do so much
They don’t have to be perfect
They did the best they could at the time
I only control what I think/feel/do
What they did was understandable
They can think whatever they want to
It’s their choice what they do
What they do is totally up to them
Whatever they do is good enough
Everyone makes mistakes
The only person I control is me
I don’t control what others think/feel
They won’t be the first or last to do that
They’re just a fallible human being
They can do whatever they want to
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It doesn’t have to be fair
It doesn’t have to be easy
That’s why they call it work
It won’t always be the way I want
I won’t always get what I want
Life isn’t always fair
Life isn’t always easy
No one owes me anything
I’d like that, but don’t need it
I don’t have to like what happens
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It’s not awful, it’s just unpleasant
It’s not awful, it’s just uncomfortable
It’s just one of those things
It really doesn’t matter
It could always be a lot worse
It’s not awful, it’s just inconvenient
It’s not the end of the world
It’s not that big a deal
It’s over and done with
It’s not the first time this has happened
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’ll survive no matter what
I’ve survived worse than this
If others can take it, so can I
I won’t die without that
I don’t like it, but I can live with it
What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger
I can take anything they dish out
This too shall pass
I won’t die just because of that
It’ll be over before I know it
Learn to bend so you won’t break
I can stand just about anything
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tool #7
To assert yourself with I Messages
When you don’t like a situation, your 4 basic choices are:
1)
2)
3)
4)
Problem solve and assert yourself
Tolerate what’s happening WITH disturbance
Tolerate what’s happening WITHOUT disturbance
Leave
You Messages (What most people use when they’re angry)
- Orders, threats, demands, sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling,
putdowns
- Solution messages – take the choice away from others
- Point your finger at others – no one likes that
- Trying to control things you can’t, provoke power struggles
I Messages
-
Simply give information
Leave the choice as to what to do about it up to them
Point your finger at yourself
Focus on and work with what you do control
Put your behavior where you want your attitude to be – express
life-enhancing and life preserving thoughts
Information you give, phrases to complete
-
“I don’t like when…….” “I like it better when……..”
“I get sad frustrated/irritated/annoyed/anxious when…”
“I realize…know…understand…”
“I’m sorry….”
“I wish I could take back….” “I wish I could undo….”
“I just want (us)……” “I’d just like (us)……”
De-personalize I Messages by using “people”, “someone”, “anyone”
instead of “YOU”. Use “we” and “us” instead of “YOU”.
Tool #8
To recognize when people have Mistaken Goals
Behavior starts and continues because it serves a purpose. It’s
always goal-orientated
Things we all want:
1) Longevity
2) Good health
3) Happiness
4) Success
5) Good relations with others
6) Freedom
7) Control over our own destiny
Mistaken Goals:
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
Get people off course from what they really want
Give people some short-term satisfaction
Make peoples lives worse
Make it less likely people will get what they want
Make it easy to lose sight of the “prize”
Mistaken Goals
Feelings
Attention .……………..………..…Loneliness
Power and Control……….…..…….…….Anger
Revenge……..……………..………..Anger
Avoidance of Failure…………………Shame, Anxiety
Withdrawal, Avoidance…………….Anxiety, Depression
& Relief
Shame, Guilt
Loneliness, Boredom
Having mistaken goals is understandable. It’s part of being human.
They just make it harder to get what you really want in life.
Tool #9
Evaluating thoughts, feelings and actions
Questions to ask:
1)
What do you really want?
2)
Does what you think, feel, say and do now get
you what you really want?
3)
How’s it working for you to think, feel, say and do what you
do now?
4)
Does it make your life better or worse to think, feel, say and do
that?
5)
What might be your mistaken goal in thinking, feeling, saying
and doing that?
6)
If you keep thinking, feeling, saying and doing what you do
now, will it be easier or harder to get what you want in the
future?
7)
If someone else thinks, feels, says and does that, will you get
what you want from them, or with them?
If you keep thinking, feeling, saying and doing what you always
have, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten. That
could be good or bad.
If you think, feel, say and do what others always have with a
particular student, you’ll get what they’ve always gotten. If
that’s not good, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT
Tool #10
To understand why change is hard, and what it takes
to changes what you think, feel, say and do
1)
Everything we think, feel, say or do is a product of
connections between nerves cells in our brains
2)
If we use a connection or pathway repeatedly, it becomes
RUT
3)
It then becomes AUTOMATIC to think, feel, say and do
something.
4)
RUTS are why people recreate their past, and why their history
can become their destiny. That can be a good or bad thing.
Brain physiology can work for us, or against us.
5)
Once connections and RUTS are created, they can’t be broken.
We can only make new ones.
6)
To change, we need to:
a
a) Make a new connection to think, feel, say and do
something different
b) Use that connection or pathway repeatedly until it
becomes a RUT and can compete with the old RUTS
7)
We can always slip back into old RUTS. It’s understandable
and part of being human to do so. Expect it. Caution students.
Teachers come with pre-existing RUTS to think, feel, say and do
things certain ways. They make some naturals, and cause others to
make mistakes, especially with the most troubled and troublesome
students, and can cause needless STRESS.
It’s important to keep all this in mind when expecting students to
change. Brain physiology will make it hard for them. Be patient.
The Big Picture
Behavior is just the tip of the Iceberg
Behavior is also a SYMPTOM. It’s a symptom of
1) Someone generating a dysfunctional amount of emotion
2) Ineffective emotional management
3) Dysfunctional thoughts, attitudes, beliefs that someone
has about themselves, others and life