Max Romer: Western Justice
A red Chevy truck is driving down a long, almost-empty state highway, mid-afternoon. Inside the truck, you can see
the worn, callused hands of a working man turning the steering wheel and a sheriff’s badge on his brown leather vest. The
radio is barely audible. In the passenger seat, there is a fax printout of a dossier for a man wanted for illegal gambling with a
picture of a broken down ranch. A hand turns up the radio which is, at first, playing Hank Williams (or similar) and then is
changed to generic gangsta rap. From behind, you can see the driver pick up something to drink. He places a miniature V8 can
with a straw back in the drink holder. The car pulls around a corner at a high speed and pulls away. The driver, Max, adjusts
the rear view mirror so only his eyes can be seen. The car pulls into a small neighborhood and stops in front of a house. From
behind the truck, you can see the partner enter and sit down. The red Chevy pulls away and turns a corner.
At a broken down ranch, there is a very shady, dirty man sitting on a stool in front of a broken down fence. There is a
sign above him, but it can’t be seen. The man is trying to take a nap but a fly won’t leave him alone. He suddenly hears a car
coming off in the distance and sits up. He looks around and then looks down at a crowbar he has sitting next to him and looks
back up to see a red truck pulling down the long dirt road to the ranch. He grabs the crowbar with his hand and looks
suspicious. Max and Sam pull up and stop some distance from the man. Max and Sam get out of the car, their boots are visible
first. By Max’s boots, the miniature V8 can drops and he crushes it out like a cigarette. Insert cool, slow-motion walk sequence.
Both walk up to the man and ask if they can see the petting zoo. They man has no idea what they are talking about. At this
point, a huge sign that says “Petting Zoo” can be seen right above the man. Sam points out the sign and asks for a tour, but to
leave the crowbar – as he flashes the man his gun. The man looks frightened and obliges. Sam grabs the man by the arm and
leads him around to each pen and asks him what animal they’re currently viewing. Max silently observes the man during the
process. The first pen is a goat, the second is a stuffed cat, the third is an old microwave, and the last is a pen full of snakes.
Sam asks the man to pet one of the snakes and the man timidly refuses. Sam tells him again. So, the man closes his eyes
reaches in slowly and right when a snake is about to bite him, Max reaches and grabs the snake and wraps it around the man’s
neck. Max asks if he could help them get in to do some gambling. He, at first, says he hasn’t heard about any gambling. Max
tightens the snake and asks again if he can help them. The man shrugs his shoulders and says “Why not?” in a friendly way.
Inside the shed where the gambling is taking place, the air is dense with smoke and yelling. People can be seen
ravenously waving their money and almost getting in fights with each other. By the door, there is a guard. Suddenly,
something slams against the door. The guard opens the peephole in the door. The goon that is “helping” Max and Sam is
obviously being pressed against the door. The guard asks for the password and the goon stutters and pauses. Sam pushes him
up against the door. The goon says the password and the guard opens the door. The guard watches the goon get thrown into
the room. The goon immediately runs away and the guard can tell that there is someone on the other side of the door. He
slowly turns the corner to see who is there. A boot comes out of nowhere and kicks him in the face. The people gambling see
the two lawmen enter and start rushing around looking for an exit. Max and Sam subdue everyone in the room. Max looks
around for the man in the picture on the dossier. Across the room, you see a man sitting in the exact same position, wearing
the same clothes, and still holding his prison number sign (or perfectly matches an even more ridiculous picture). Max wrestles
him down and cuffs him. As the two are leaving with the leader, in the middle of the room, there are two toasters (labeled 1
and 2 or maybe have names). One of them has toast pop up and a hand from a beaten gambler comes up and says, “Number
Two Wins”. Max and Sam bust out of the door with the head of the gambling ring and throw him in the back of the truck. Max
picks up his police radio and lets back up know if it’s safe to come in.
[Credits and Main Theme]
In a convention room, the mayor of the city gives his speech recalling the amazingly unbelievable deeds of Max and
recently, his partner. Max receives a key to the city and answers questions.
Max and Sam sit down at their usual local diner. The waiter is new and seems completely oblivious to the whole
process of waiting tables. He is unaware of anything they serve there and constantly hangs around the table. Max orders chili
(mild) and Sam orders some toast. Max begins to talk about how good of a partner he is and makes some ambiguously
homosexual comments. Sam, already with a heaping pile of toast, asks for more toast. Max realizes he’s opening up too much
and stops himself. Max lays down the money for the chili and leaves to go to the laundromat as Sam receives another pile of
toast.
In the laundromat, Max finds his favorite washer and sets his bag on top. He pulls out a pair of blue jeans and sets it
in the washer. Max then pulls out two vests and places them in the washer. You can hear an outrageous voice coming from a
TV on the other side of the room. Max starts watching the TV as he places a red corset in the washer. On the TV, there is an ad
for Wild Willy’s Toy Company. In the ad, Wild Willy is selling the wildly popular Brownie Baker (America’s #1 Toy). Max shakes
his head at the end of the ridiculous commercial as he puts in his final piece of laundry (a ball gag, a shirt that says “Ass
Enthusiast”, or a live animal). He closes the lid and heads over to the counter and takes off his vest. He gives it to the boy
working there and asks for the usual. The boy takes the vest back and places it on a hanger and starts spraying down with
“New Leather Smell (contains molasses, dirt, and mechanically separated chicken)”. He immediately runs out of “New Leather
Smell” and asks his boss what to do. He tells him to use the “Teriyaki”.
Sam is standing outside of a movie theater waiting for someone and checking his watch. A girl walks up and
apologizes for being late. They get in line. Numerous movie posters can be seen behind them. His phone rings. Sam picks it up
and starts yelling at some guy about the toys and shipping. He hangs up and explains he is trying to get a new Brownie Baker
for his nephew but can’t get a hold of one. They get to the booth and ask for tickets to their movie. (Possible fart joke)
Max pulls into his driveway. He walks in and puts his key to the city on a giant key ring full of keys to the city. He
grabs a V8 can from the fridge and walks over by the TV. He pulls “Best of the Knife Channel Volume #27” off of the shelf by
“Knife Porn 8” and “Knife Sitcoms 2”. On screen, an infomercial for “Big Sack O’ Knives” comes on. Two people are standing
behind a counter with a burlap sack with knife blades sticking out of it. They’re talking about how amazing this deal is and
compare the price to arbitrary numbers. It cuts to another man who has a tin can in front of him. He says it’s now time to see
how sharp these knives are; he asks them to pass him the bag. The bag immediately gets stuck in his chest and everyone one
starts screaming. It cuts to the “Order Now” screen playing soft jazz. Max grins to himself and takes another sip of V8. You can
hear people on the TV trying to call for an ambulance and someone asks to give them the bag of knives so they can get rid of it.
That person is immediately wounded and everyone starts screaming again.
The next day, a sign can be read outside of a building – Lee’s Shooting Range, Bullet Depot, and Daycare. A man is
sorting bullets out of a large bucket; he drops them into boxes. You can see the four boxes he is sorting into: “For Small Game”,
“Lions”, “Tigers”, “Bears”. He says “Oh My!” and realizes there is a pacifier in the “For Ann Coulter” box. Someone rings a bell
and Max is at the window. The man greets Max and Max asks for the usual. The man scoops bullets out of a tub with a steel
basket like at a driving range and hands him the basket (which bullets are constantly falling out of). Max walks out and steps up
to a space; Sam is right next to him. Sam starts talking about his date last night while targets start popping up – each target is a
differently celebrity stand-up. Max is currently shooting down the targets while Sam’s date story becomes more offensive.
Every time an obviously derogatory word is being used – Max shoots his gun. Sam gets a call and says they have to go. Max
gets one last shot in at a celebrity, the stand up dodges the bullet. Max winces because he really dislikes him and leaves. In the
doorway that they leave through, the stand-up who dodged the bullet slides his head in from the slide.
The chief tells them that there were several alarms tripped at a remote warehouse for a drug manufacturer. They go
off to investigate. The red Chevy speeds out of the police parking lot and down the road.
Max and Sam pull up to the outside of the warehouse where there is obviously something happening inside. Sam
says he’s going to go in first and tells Max to wait outside. Sam goes outside and Max sits down to wait. He observes his
surroundings and walks around the building. Max hears yelling, so he calls for back up and goes in. He opens a door and sneaks
in. He walks up behind a guard and puts his hands around his head as if to break his neck and then lays him down slowly into a
bed. He pulls up the blanket and leaves. He sees a group of hooded men standing around Sam who is kneeling. Max hides
behind a stack of crates and listens. Sam is in trouble and the “main” hooded guy is walking around him in a circle asking him
where his partner is. Sam says he came alone. The “main” bad guy laughs in a ridiculous way. A goon comes up and tells the
“main” bad guy that everything is loaded in the truck. The “main” guy nods to the main henchman who puts a pair of
headphones on Sam. The henchman puts a CD entitled Fergie/Yoko Ono/Bobcat Goldwaith Reads the Bible/Sam Kinison’s
Guide to Relaxation into a CD player. You can hear a bird outside fly over head. Max yells for them stop, but the main
henchman presses play and you can hear the CD to play. Sam begins screaming and a drop of blood runs down his forehead.
They all run out and Max has to make the quick decision of saving his partner or chasing the bad guy. He stops the CD, but Sam
is already dead. The main henchman is getting on the truck so Max runs at them and fires one shot that hits him in the leg.
The truck pulls away and Max leans back against a crate and just sits there until back up gets there. The chief asks him if there
is anyone left – Max points to the goon who is sleeping but he doesn’t look up.
Back at the station, the chief and another cop are standing outside of an interrogation room, in front of the window –
the goon who was sleeping is now sitting in a chair in the interrogation room along with another cop (Higgins). The cop
(McAllister) asks the chief for a cigarette and then walks in to the interrogation room. Higgins starts asking the goon about the
incident. The goon doesn’t answer any of the questions. McAllister stops Higgins and offers the guy a cigarette. Higgins leaves
while McAllister tries to get him to answer the same question now that he greased the wheels. The goon still doesn’t respond.
Outside of the room, Max walks in and stands next to the chief. Higgins walks by with an ice cream cone. Max notices that
both Higgins and McAllister are questioning the goon. He yells at the chief because he has two “good cops” interrogating the
man. Max asks the chief where the hell the two “bad cops” are. As this goes on, McAllister leaves and comes back with a large
stuffed animal.
In another interrogation room, a timid business man is sitting in the chair, sweating and looking very nervous. Two
cops are furiously smoking and both are constantly pacing, talking to themselves. One of the cops slams his fist down on the
table and asks where the money is. The other cop immediately knocks the guy’s teeth out with a baseball bat.
The chief tells Max that they’re probably questioning the grocery store owner who got robbed. Back in the
interrogation room, Higgins is giving the goon a shoulder massage and McAllister is setting up a trip to Disneyworld on his
laptop. Max can’t stand it and opens the door. He tells Higgins and McAllister to get out and to take away the cigarette - the
goon doesn’t deserve a cigarette. Higgins and McAllister both act like reluctant, whiny kids who don’t want to go. Higgins
drags his feet out the door and McAllister takes the guys cigarette and winks at him. Max tells him to take the carton that he
just snuck under the table too. McAllister stubbornly reaches down and picks it up and leaves like Max just ruined the party.
Max turns around a chair and sits down with the goon. Outside of the interrogation room, McAllister stops and talks to the
chief about the incident. Max can be seen in the background slamming his fist on the table and yelling at the guy. The chief
says it’s a horrible thing that happened to Sam, he was a good cop. Higgins nods and asks what the chief thinks about how Max
will hold up. The chief says that Max is the coolest, level-headed cop he’s ever met. At this point, Max and the goon are full out
fist-fighting in the interrogation room. The chief says he once watched Max get punched in the face and he didn’t even blink.
At this point, Max is strangling the guy and his head falls off. Max looks around frantically. The chief goes on to tell a story
about when Max got kicked in the groin 27 consecutive times and didn’t throw the first punch – he never throws the first
punch. Max has set the goon’s body back in the chair and is trying to balance the head on the body. The chief starts telling
another story when Max walks out with blood all over his face and hands. He tells the chief that he couldn’t get any
information out of him. Just then, the goon’s head rolls off his body and falls to the floor. Max tries to act surprised and says
“Oh my god, the sick bastard killed himself.” And leaves.
Max quickly walks out of the station and gets into his car. He is having a real bad day and needs to get out of here.
He races home and walks in holding a case of O’Douls and turns on his Best of the Knife Channel and starts chugging his
O’Douls. He pulls out a pack of cigarettes and tries to smoke one, coughs, and throws them away. He goes through about
twelve cans and is about passed out when the tape comes to a Wild Willy’s Toy Company advertisement. Max currently has his
head back and is mumbling to himself. At the end, Wild Willy makes a ridiculous laugh as he’s dressed up as a wizard. Max
raises his head up and scrambles for the remote. He rewinds it and listens to the laugh. Repeat. He can see the “main” bad
guy from the warehouse laughing in the exact same way and he makes the connection – Wild Willy was the head of the
robbery. He calls up the chief who is currently sleeping.
The chief’s house is a large suburban home with all the lights out. You can hear a phone ringing and one of the lights
comes on. The chief picks up and Max hurriedly and drunkenly tells the chief about the scheme. The chief, tired and annoyed,
tells Max to stay away from Wild Willy, he’s a well known figure and Max is drunk. Max hangs up the phone and gets on his
police database computer which looks like it’s from 1982 and makes outrageous beeping sounds. He types in:
>GIVE ME THE ADDRESS FOR WILD WILLY
WILD WILLY THE GUITARIST OR WILD WILLY THE TOY GUY?
>THE TOY GUY
FINDING…
HOW ARE THINGS?
FOUND.
WILD WILLY
2323 GUMDROP LN.
>THANKS
YOU SUCK
Max writes down the address and stumbles out the door. He pulls up to a large house and pulls out his binoculars as
he opens up another O’Douls. Max can barely hold up the binoculars. Lights are on inside, but all the curtains are closed.
There are cars in the driveway and a couple is walking in. The couple walks into the foyer and is greeted by the main henchman
who is awkwardly dressed up and is trying to contain his craziness.
Inside an office upstairs, Willy is sitting behind a desk writing something down on a piece of paper and making
calculations on a accountant’s calculator – he looks back at the paper, gets unhappy with it and throws it away. He starts again
when the main henchman knocks on the door. He peeks in and lets him know that everyone is here and dinner will be ready in
10 minutes. Willy looks down one more time at his elaborate plans for a dinosaur helicopter with vampire missiles and puts in a
drawer. He smiles and tells the henchman to let everyone know he’ll be down after he gets out of these ridiculous clothes. The
henchman leaves.
Downstairs, Willy comes in wearing an astronaut suit. He sits down and says hello to everyone, but nothing can be
heard because of his space helmet. He continues talking for a second until someone gestures to him to take off his helmet. He
takes it off (as he takes it off the last words he says are obviously the end of a slur of cussing). Willy introduces everyone
including Franklin, a funny-looking doll sitting in a chair across the table from Willy. The people sitting around the table are
wealthy investors in Willy’s toy company and have never met Willy before. Willy recalls everyone’s contributions to the
company and then tells them that as of two weeks ago, the Brownie Baker is the world’s best-selling toy. Everyone claps and
cheers. Willy laughs joyously and immediately gets mad at something Franklin said – Franklin still hasn’t moved. He shoots him
a dirty look and claps to have dinner served. Everyone is served a toy tea set with plastic toy food. Willy looks pleased with
himself at the “feast” they all have in front of them. He says to them that the cook has been slaving over their food all day.
Inside the kitchen, there is a shoe with a chef’s hat on sitting by the sink. Back in the dining room, one of the investors is trying
to cut the food, one of them is smelling the plastic food, one of them isn’t even moving. Willy asks him if the food was
prepared incorrectly and points out that Franklin has already finished his peas. There is a long, awkward, approving stare
between Franklin and Willy. The investor is giving an excuse for not eating while Willy has food thrown at him by Franklin.
Willy starts to cuss at Franklin, but holds back. He excuses the man for not eating and gets him a refill on his tea (which is
imaginary). The person pouring the tea asks if he would like sugar. He asks for two cubes and the server places in three cubes
accidentally of imaginary sugar. The man looks at his cup and winces. He says that he asked for two cubes. The server begins
to apologize, but the man says he’ll drink it anyway. Willy begins to ask one of the investors about their other investments
when Franklin throws his plate and all of his silverware at Willy’s face. Willy screams an obscure cuss word and then stares
down Franklin; this time the stare goes through a range of emotion from angry to happy to erotic; Willy starts moving towards
the doll across the table as if to embrace it when he realizes what he is doing and looks up. The investors are appalled and they
each say they have to go home. He escorts them towards the door and closes it. As he closes the door, he tells the main
henchman to check on the arrangements for their travel to the “operation”. The henchman bows his head crazily and leaves.
Willy walks back in and starts talking to Franklin when you see the doll is not in his chair. Willy starts to ask himself where
Franklin is when suddenly he realizes that Franklin is right behind him and you can see that Franklin is now directly behind
Willy. Ominous music starts playing as you can see Willy’s eyes open with fear.
There is a tap on the driver side window of Max’s car. A cop (Higgins or McAllister) is standing outside with a
flashlight looking very disapprovingly.
Back at the station, the chief is yelling at Max for staking out Wild Willy’s home. He warns what kind of trouble he
could have gotten himself into and reminds him that he was supposed to be the most level-headed cop in town. He brings up
the story that he told McAllister about the 27 kicks to the groin and still didn’t throw the first punch.
Flashback
There is a man currently counting from 25 and kicking Max in the crotch. Max is not affected in any manner by the
kicks. The guy gets to 27 and says to his drunk friends that “Hey, you’re right, this stupid cop has no balls.” As the man says
that, he playfully punches Max in the arm. Max looks down at where the man punched him and then immediately kicks his
head off. He slaps hand cuffs on the corpse and drags it out as he says in a high voice, “You’re coming with me punk.”
End Flashback
The chief tells Max that maybe he needs a vacation. Max refuses. The chief tells him that he has grown up with him
since elementary school and he has never seen Max this upset since the last time they went to the boot store.
Flashback
Max is sitting in the driver’s seat with the door open polishing a boot and realizes he’s out of polish. He throws the
empty can in a pile and tells the chief that they’re going to go get some more. The chief is polishing a bible and says, “That’s
good. I was about out of bible polish.” The car pulls up to a store called “Boots, Bibles, and Beyond”. Max gets out of the car
and sees a sign that says “Closed Forever” – he stops in awe. It pans over to the chief who shrugs it off and says it’s a shame
and it looks like they closed down the whole strip. He asks Max if he’s alright – it pans over and Max has mascara running down
his face. Max says “Well, at least they closed down that sleazy male strip club.” It pans back over and the chief now has
mascara running down his face and is biting his nails.
End Flashback
The chief demands that Max go on a vacation. He asked him the last time he’d been home – Max looks up and the
flashback music starts again. As the scene starts fading away, techno can be heard and the chief interrupts and says, “No. No
more flashbacks.” He tells him to get a plane ticket back home and take an extended vacation – he doesn’t wasn’t hear from
Max until he cools off. Max walks out, slams the door, and accepts that he is going on vacation.
…
Stuff happens
…
Max walks into a local bar called BJ’s. He walks up to the bartender (BJ Boggins) who has his back turned to the bar.
Max asks if he can some service. BJ recognizes Max’s voice and as he turns around he says, “Well, if it’s not Max Romer.” BJ has
blood all around his mouth and Max gives him a funny look. BJ realizes that he is face has stuff all over it and explains he was
just eating some barbecue. Max takes a peek behind BJ and you can see a human hand sticking out of a bucket; BJ steps in
Max’s view to block and changes the subject. BJ asks why Max is in town and Max tells him he’s just on vacation from work and
he has had a rough couple of days. In the middle of telling him this, BJ interrupts Max and has to go take a customer’s order.
Max watches as BJ goes over to serve the man. A man is sitting at a table looking at the menu. BJ comes up and asks the man
what he’ll have and the man thinks for a second, closes his menu, and says he’ll just take a BJ. BJ takes the menu and drops
below the table. The man leans back and starts moaning and stretching his hands up over his head. The man brings his hands
down and mentions that it feels good to stretch his back as BJ comes back from under the table with a sandwich. The man
gives BJ a funny look and asks if he just made that sandwich on the floor. BJ looks at him for a second and says yes; the man
shrugs and eats the sandwich. BJ goes back over to Max. Max asks him about the fact he named a sandwich after himself.
“You named a sandwich after yourself? It’s got to be a pretty special sandwich.”
“Sure is.”
“What’s on it exactly?”
“Well, there’s a piece of rye toast, some old turkey, a shoestring, and another piece of toast.”
“That sandwich sounds like it sucks.”
“I know; that’s why I called it the BJ.”
BJ looks at the camera, makes a ridiculous face, and there’s a trombone slide.
Max slowly backs out of the bar as BJ holds the same position.
---BJ is cleaning the bar when a sleazy looking man comes in and sits at the bar.
“What can I get for ya?”
“Well, I think I’m going to take … a BJ.”
“Sure thing.”
The man looks like he’s getting away with something until he sees BJ come back with a sandwich, then he looks
disappointed.
“Here you go, one BJ.”
The man looks at the sandwich and realizes something.
“I see. It’s a sandwich. I get what’s going on here. Your name’s probably BJ, isn’t it?”
“Why, yes. That’s me, BJ Boggins.”
“Gotcha. A man named BJ makes a sandwich called a BJ at a bar called BJ’s.”
The man mumbles as he walks out of the bar and BJ says something to stop him.
“Hey mister. Aren’t you going to eat your sandwich?”
“Nah, I’m good.”
“Oh, sorry about the change of heart.”
“Yeah.”
“…….would you like a blow job?”
The man’s face lights up.
“Yes sir!”
“Well, why didn’t you say so? Let’s get you all set up in the back.”
---Ideas for later--The chief tells the story about how Max once killed a man with his own hands – not Max’s hands, he used the man’s own hands
to kill him.
The chief talks about how he met Max in middle school…
Flashback
The chief grew up with Max in the same gorgeous little mountain town of Brownsmell, Wyoming. The outside of a
small school can be seen with maybe an allusion to Flatpoint and the fighting donkeys. The chief and Max look exactly the
same except they have bad hair and braces. In the recess field, the chief is holding a football by himself. A teacher comes up
(the teacher, to give the illusion of them being kids, will just be a giant pair of legs) and asks if he has anyone to play with him.
The chief nods and says Paul will play with him, he throws the ball at a kid playing chess and it hits him in the head. The teacher
asks if there is any real friends that will play with him. The chief hangs his head and says no. Little Max picks up the ball and
walks up to the chief and hands it back to him. The teacher leaves.
“That’s a cool ball you got there.”
“Thanks, it’s made of awesome.”
“Can you throw it?”
“Yup. Watch.”
“Awesome.”
“Sweet.”
End of Flashback