LISTENING MORE DEEPLY by Jason Vittrup
While at a tournament game, one of your most active players seems only involved in the game a fourth of the time. He seems to be mentally absent...a step behind, a dollar short, lackadaisical. Something is just not right.
As coaches, we are by nature quick to prescribe an antidote. The coach reasons (left brain) that there is not much time in the heat of battle to really listen. At practice, we only have a couple hours--and so much to get done.
And at games? Even less time. Yet sometimes the coach prescribes an antidote before really understanding the nature of the illness. "Scott, where are you today? You've got to move to the ball. It's not going to come to you? " And yet the player's response is remote, almost as if the message were in ancient Assyrian.
After the game, the player comes up to you and says, "I don't want to play anymore. I'm just not having fun." Sensing that this might not be a quick- fix situation, many coaches opt out with, "Well, if that's what you want to do, I want what's best for you." But what is best for the player, many times, is to listen...really listen.
To be an effective communicator--a coach who can get a point across-- you must also be a good listener. Unfortunately, listening seems to be one of those subjects humans hastily overlook. People often seem more interested in talking.
Listening can be classified into four levels. The first is to pretend to listen.
Much of the message is tuned out. The listener appears to stay interested:
"Uh- huh...(Looking away)...Right." The second involves selective listening, or listening to only what we want to hear. "Blah, blah, blah...playing soccer...blah, blah, blah." The third incorporates the primarily left-brained attentive listening. Words are concentrated on, but everything else escapes. The fourth level is that of empathic listening. Empathic listening is based upon empathy, meaning to "understand so intimately that the feelings, thoughts, and motives of one are readily comprehended by another." This is the level where communication excels.

Empathic listening is a high level of listening because the listener tries to experience life from the other perspective. As the saying goes, "To understand a person, you must first walk in his shoes." Feelings, thoughts, and motives are understood more by the heart and eyes than the ears. If ears are the only method used for hearing, much of the message is lost.
Body language (stance, movement) and sounds (tone, volume) tells more about the message than words. Empathic listening is more right brained: holistic, intuitive, and visual.
People frequently avoid empathic listening because they perceive it as a risk. One must be very secure in order to listen so deeply as to experience the feelings, thoughts, and motives of another. Yet to have influence, you must first allow yourself to be influenced. Unless the coach, at the appropriate times, makes the effort to listen empathically, why would the players make the effort to mold their behavior for the coach?
So the coach commits herself to listen empathically. But during the process, she is again tempted to become Ms. Quick-Fix by recommending a solution right out of her own past. Her impatience causes her to tear out a page from her autobiography because that's "what worked for me." The assumption is, if it worked for me, it will work for you.
As a result, the coach tailors the listening response into one of four categories. The first is to advise, or recommend a solution based upon the experiences of the self. The second response is to probe, or to ask questions which spring from the experiences of the self. To interpret is a third attempt to comprehend the motives or behavior of another through self-comparison. And the fourth, to evaluate, is to agree or disagree according to self-standards.
Obviously, these responses are selfish and do little to uncover deeper feelings, thoughts, or emotions because they are primarily left-brained. The heart of the matter will not surface (this time or next) if every time a story comes out, it is probed raw, greeted with an evaluation, smothered with advice, or subjected to interpretation. The result is chapped players who provide reclusive one word answers..."Fine, " 'Yep," "Nothing. " They chatter incessantly during practice; yet when you pull them aside, body language says: "leave me alone."
To listen empathically is to understand, rather than be understood.
Empathic listening furnishes the psychological security needed to release the innermost feelings into a more public spectrum. This relieving of

pressure is deeply therapeutic. And therapeutic healing calcifies gratuity into greater confidence, improved communication, and more fulfilling relationships.
To listen empathically is to avoid selfish pitfalls. One must ascend four listening skill levels. Each level is an improvement on the previous.
The first listening level, is to mimic or repeat the content. This forces the listener to digest the spoken word. However, this skill is the least effective.
The second listening level consists of rephrasing the content of the message. The listener puts the message into their own words. If a player states, "I have a problem," you rephrase it, saying, "Something's wrong."
Bringing further understanding is the third listening level, as the feeling of message is reflected. More than rephrasing, reflection involves the right brain because the receiver mirrors the emotion, feelings, passion involved in the message. "I'm just not having fun anymore" is equal to "You're feeling burned-out."
The fourth listening level is more encompassing because it includes both rephrasing and reflecting. The left hemisphere deciphers the language, while the right provides the affection. "I just have more important things to do" is rephrased and reflected back as, "You're feeling stressed about something you have to do." 'Yes! You see, I don't really want to stop playing, it's just that my Father is telling me that if I don't get straight A's, then he'll take my car away."
"He'll steal your wheels and that's a bummer."
"Big time, because then I can't see my girlfriend. "
"You'll miss being with your girl and you really like her."
"Very much. She means a lot to me."
"Scott, I care about you, and your relationships. I also think grades are important."
'Well, I really don't want to quit playing soccer. I just need to concentrate a little more on grades. Maybe we could work something out?"

"How about this: you make studies your first priority. If that means missing practice, and a little game time, that's O.K. because you'll still reduce the pressure from your Dad while enjoying playing soccer. When you get your grades up, and feel like you can come to every practice, we'll re-evaluate then. Sound fair?"
"Yeah. Thanks a lot coach."
Because the coach listened empathically, the player felt relaxed enough to open up, to get to the heart of the matter without becoming defensive, short, or frustrated. Psychologists refer to this feeling of having enough room to breathe as psychological air.
Empathic communication rearranges the nature of the opportunity. Rather than simply an exchange of information, the talk promotes change or transformation. During this process, the player will go from emotional to logical. While the passion, the concept, and intuition for the effort is generated from the right hemisphere, it is from the left hemisphere that problems are managed in a logical manner. When the player arrives at this logical stage, the coach has a better opportunity to inquire, to advise. If the player returns to an emotional state, it is beneficial to return to listening empathically, until the logical state returns.
Again, many will argue that to listen empathically requires more time than is available. And this is frequently the case. Certainly during the midst of a tumultuous game, there are few moments in which to compose such masterpieces.
Taking the time to purchase and install a smoke detector takes time too.
How many lives have those investments affected in a positive manner?
Really listening to the kids is worth the investment, especially given that so many of them hold their coaches in high regard.