Family Rituals and a Festival of Desserts
Lesson Guide
Prepared by:
Ronald B. Cox, Jr. Ph.D.
Family Science State Specialist
Oklahoma State Cooperative Extension Services
HES 233
Oklahoma State University
Stillwater, OK 74078-6122
(405) 744-3899,
r.cox@okstate.edu
Lesson submitted: March 2010
Introduction:
Forming family rituals is an important part of the development of family life. Family rituals
bring stability and happiness to our lives and the lives of our children. Family rituals can be big
or small and can involve almost anything that bring people together. Who can resist shared
family time especially if favorite foods are involved. Planning a Festival of Desserts can also
become a fund raising opportunity for local charities that builds community cohesion.
Objectives of Lesson:
Depending on which lessons your group leader selects, in the following series of lessons you will
discuss questions like:
I.
II.
III.
IV.
V.
What is a family ritual?
How do rituals help my family?
Why are family rituals important for divorce and remarried families?
How do I create a family ritual?
How can a family ritual become a community ritual?
Topic I: What is Family Ritual?
Definition:
Simply put, family rituals are repeated and coordinated activities that have significance
for the family. Family rituals can be yearly, monthly, or weekly events, and can be
coordinated around special holidays (e.g., Thanksgiving), celebrations (e.g., birthdays),
and special circumstances (e.g., the death of a loved one). They can also be regular
activities (e.g., religious adherence or mealtime). Rituals are powerful organizers of
family life, supporting its stability during times of stress and transition.
1
Rituals are different from routines.
Routines typically involve communication that says “this is what needs to be done.”
Routines involve a momentary time commitment and once the act is completed, there is
little, if any, afterthought. Routines are the same behavior repeated over time.
Rituals, on the other hand, have a practical component of organizing the group but also
involve a symbolic communication that says “this is who we are” as a group or family.
There is an emotional commitment that leaves the individual feeling a sense of
“rightness” and of belonging. Rituals often leave an emotional residue. After the act is
completed, the individual may replay it in their memory to recapture some of the positive
experience. Rituals also create a sense of meaning across generations with the
anticipation for repeat performance and an investment that communicates, “this is how
our family will continue to be.”
One way to distinguish between routine and ritual is:
 When routines are disrupted, it is a hassle.
 When rituals are disrupted, there is a threat to group cohesion.
Consider family mealtimes as an example:
 A mealtime routine may involve communication regarding who needs to pick up milk on
the way home from work. Once the milk is picked up, there is very little thought about the
grocery store. This act may be repeated several times a week without much thought unless
forgotten when it then becomes a hassle.
 The mealtime ritual, on the other hand, involves conversation as a group that may include
inside jokes, symbolic objects (like grandma’s silver), and things that may only be
meaningful to the family (where each member sits). Once the family is gathered for the meal,
there is an emotional reaction that may be as simple as a sigh signifying that time has been
set aside for the group and other demands are temporarily put on hold. There may also be
elements of the gathering that have been passed down over generations including prayers,
dishes, and even topics of conversation. If the mealtime ritual is eliminated it may affect
how the family sees itself.
Group Activity - Rich’s story:
For many years, on October second my back was sore. That was because every October
first our family spent the night on the floor! Spending the night on the floor became a
family tradition because many years ago on October first we arrived at our new home in
Denver several days ahead of the moving van – not intentionally mind you. Rather than
get a hotel room the kids convinced us that we had everything we needed to live for a few
nights – a floor, a roof, a fireplace, a refrigerator and stove. So we filled the family room
with sleeping bags and camped out in the family room. That would have been the end of
the story except the following year, as I was tucking my youngest son into his warm bed, I
reminded him that last year at this time we were on the floor in front of the fireplace.
“Hey, that’s right! Let’s do it again!” We did and we have and it soon became a
tradition. Now every October first we camp out in the family room and tell stories and eat
2
popcorn and remember those first few days “roughing it” in our new home. As I think
back, that special time over the years helped us form a special bond that strengthened
our family.
What made this event a ritual?
How was it different from a routine?
3
Topic II: Why should my family start a family ritual?
Research suggests that families who have established rituals do better in a variety of ways from
school performance to mental health issues in children to reducing conflict and divorce in
couples. In fact family rituals have even been found to have medical benefits by
shortening bouts of respiratory infections in infants and improving preschool children's
health, as well as protecting against the transgenerational transmission of alcoholism.
Particularly in families who have suffered a divorce or who are navigating a remarriage,
developing new family rituals seems to help parents and children adapt to the changes
and the stress more quickly and with fewer problems.
Having a number of family rituals will not necessarily determine whether or not your family is
successful. However, family rituals do help to strengthen families in four important areas:
1. Predictability. The sense of regularity and order that families and couples require,
especially those with children. There are growing levels of chaos in the lives of American
children, youth, and families. Increasingly, children grow up in households lacking in
structure and routine, inundated by background stimulation from noise and crowding, and
forced to contend with the frenetic pace of modern life. For example, knowing that mom
or dad will talk with them or read a story every night (or on story night if every night is
not possible), makes bedtime something to look forward to and savor.
2. Connection. Family rituals are a time when the family can re-connect and assure one
another (without necessarily saying so) of their love and commitment to one another. The
presence of family rituals of connection under conditions of single parenting, divorce,
and remarried households may actually protect children from the proposed risks
associated with going through what can often be a stressful situation. For example, the
bedtime ritual may be the primary one-to-one time shared between a father and his child.
Additionally, for couples, bedtime rituals may also be an important opportunity to
connect emotionally after a busy day.
3. Identity. Family rituals help to define a family. They provide a sense of belonging and
what is special about the family. For example, you may know who your core family
members are by who is present on Christmas morning. Including spouses or distant
relatives in core family rituals symbolically makes a statement that they are “family,” too.
Families who take interesting vacations together acquire the self-image of a fun-loving
family. They will say “We are campers” or “We are hikers.” For some couples, shopping
for antiques becomes a rituals outing that helps form a couple identity as antique lovers.
4. A way to enact values. Family rituals allow us to demonstrate what we believe and hold
dear. Religious rituals are a good example, as is a family volunteering together for
community work, or ensuring that the children join in regular family visits to a
grandparent in a nursing home. These activities teach that faith and serving are important
aspects of life, and visiting a grandparent teaches that it is important to honor and support
this elderly family member.
4
For example read Ron’s story:
There are many things that I remember about growing up in those cold Michigan winters.
However, the one that shines the brightest in my mind has to do with my Dad and how he
taught me what it meant to be a neighbor. Every year in Michigan there would always be
a few of those menacing snowfalls that made it difficult for people to get home. At that
time, we lived on top of a hill that was part of a ridge of sorts that separated the front
half of the neighborhood from the back half. When it snowed a lot, almost no one could
make it up that hill without a little help. My dad worked the early shift at GM and was
usually home by 2:30 or 3:00 in the afternoon, which was often before the worst of snow
had accumulated. On those nights, as the evening progressed and the snow got deeper, I
would, without fail, hear the sound of spinning tires followed by, “boy get your boots and
your shovel,” and out we would go. I couldn’t begin to tell you how many cars we
pushed and shoveled out of ditches and back onto their way home over the years. One
thing I do remember, though, the grateful smiles and appreciation of the countless
neighbors who were the recipients of my Dad’s sense of community – a sense that later
became my own.
Group Activity:
1.
What did the above ritual do for the father-son relationship?
2.
How might the son’s life have been different without that ritual?
3.
Share one of your own family rituals and how it helped your family in regards to one
of the four areas mentioned above.
4.
Identify what were the symbolic or meaningful aspects of your family ritual.
5.
How might your family have been different if you didn’t practice that ritual?
5
Topic III: Family rituals with divorced and remarried families?
Family rituals to a large degree are like writing a new chapter in the book on your family. The
“co-creation” of new stories empowers family members to heal the pain of losses and other
wounds, connects group members through a sense of belonging, and provides continuity between
past, present, and future as people navigate through life’s transitions and change. This may be
particularly important for divorced and remarried families.
According to national statistics many of you either form part of a stepfamily or will be sharing
this lesson with a stepfamily.
Rituals in Stepfamilies
Stepfamilies do not experience a gradual progression of developmental stages as occurs in first
marriages. Instead, they come together with children already present from the previous marriage
of at least one of the spouses. They also come with a residue of disrupted rituals from the
divorce and single parent histories of some, if not all, members of the family. Therefore,
stepfamilies must instantaneously function as though they had pattern rituals – at the very least –
in place (e.g., daily routines regarding mealtimes, bedtimes, chores and responsibilities, money
management, etc.). Functioning as if these rituals were already in place can promote
misunderstandings, conflict, and frustration.
In first marriage families rituals of celebration (e.g. Christmas), family tradition (e.g., vacations),
or life cycle (e.g., birthdays) are in place and help the family buffer the tensions of everyday life,
as well as the pains of family crises, by serving as a source of comfort and a reminder of the
solidarity and unity of the family. In stepfamilies – at least in the early stages – they have high
levels of stress and none of these rituals in place to facilitate their coping. Furthermore, the
rituals they do have come from a previous family history and may be a source of conflict and a
reminder of loss rather than a source of comfort.
As stepfamilies do the hard work of forming a new family unit, rituals can be powerful tools that
help them overcome the obstacles in their path. However, there are several dangers involved in
the process of ritual formation which include:
1. Remaining “under-ritualized.” Families who are under-ritualized are those that choose
to avoid dealing with the difficulties. They maintain distance by not forming rituals. For
example, the stepfamily in which a noncustodial father visits with his children only
outside of his home or only in his home when his wife – the stepmother – goes out of
town for the weekend.
2. Incongruent rituals. In their efforts to reduce the inevitable chaos experienced in the
early stages of stepfamily development, families may instinctively attempt to apply what
they know from first-married family life and norms. However, this tactic will most likely
result in incongruent rituals, that is, rituals that do not “fit” with the realistic
requirements of living together as a stepfamily. It is normal for people charting unknown
territory to look back to something that used to work and to try to make that fit their
current situation. However, for many reasons this rarely is successful in stepfamilies. For
6
example, expecting children to celebrate their new stepfather’s birthday with gifts and
expressions of love just as they traditionally did with their biological father will most
likely be met with resistance.
3. Rigid rituals. Likewise, rituals that are implemented early on in the development of the
stepfamily may become too rigid as relationships and situations change and develop. A
period of trial and error is often necessary with input from all family members for ritual
development to be successful. Rituals need to be modifiable in order to adapt to
changing developmental needs as well as respectful of the past histories of all family
members and of children’s connections with other households. For example, adhering to
rigid visitation rituals regardless of children’s changing developmental needs only invites
conflict and rebellion.
4. Skewed rituals. When the rituals of some family members seem to take precedence at
the expense or exclusion of others, an imbalance is created that causes resentment and
promotes only a peripheral sense of belonging in the disenfranchised member(s). These
rituals are skewed. For example, when only one of the adults brings children to the new
marriage, it is easy for rituals to be maintained from the previous family history that
creates a sense of “insider and outsider” in the family.
5. Hollow rituals. Some families, in an attempt to reduce their felt anxiety, try to force the
issue of ritual development. However, what they are left with is usually something not
very fulfilling to anyone. The danger here is that a hollow ritual accentuates the lack of
unity in the family and can do more harm than good. For example, some families in an
effort to become a “real” family prohibit their children from using the term “step” when
referring to their new parent, siblings, or family in general. Older children may go along
with the “farce” but without any positive feeling or meaning being attached to the term.
Eventually children will tire of the perceived charade and rebel against what they believe
to be hypocrisy.
For more information see the handout “Creating Rituals in Stepfamilies.”
7
Topic IV: How do I create a family ritual?
Holidays are a great time to develop family traditions. But don’t limit traditions to holidays only.
There may be a great family tradition hiding in some simple activity or event that takes place
today or tomorrow. Whatever the activity, the key to developing a family tradition or ritual is to
do it together, consistently and with meaning. If the meaning isn’t readily apparent, don’t worry
it will come.
Below are different types or categories of rituals:
1. Family Celebrations. Family celebrations can be coordinated around naturally
occurring holidays or events such as July 4th picnics, Easter sunrise services, volunteering
in the annual Special Olympics, etc. They tend to link families to their
cultural/community contexts.
2. Family traditions. These are events that develop idiosyncratically within each family
and tend to have meaning only to the family members. They include literally a limitless
array of opportunities such as, vacations, reunions, eating meals together, going to church
together, playing catch after school, Friday night couple time, bedtime rituals, or drawing
from the examples above, sleeping on the floor in October and pushing cars out of the
snowy ditch in Michigan. These might also include one-time events that are rituals
carried over generation to generation such as funerals, weddings, and military service.
3. Life cycle rituals. These include rites of passage through developmental transitions such
as birthdays, anniversaries, end of school year celebrations, and Bar Mitzvahs.
4. Daily patterns of interaction. Behaviors such as meal preparations, language usage,
and privacy rules may not generally be thought of as rituals, but are what form the
orderly fabric of family life and may communicate meaning.
Ten tips for forming new rituals:
1. When developing a ritual it is important to be sensitive to other’s needs and
circumstances. The ritual needs to be inclusive of the entire target group. In other words
if the target group is the family then care needs to be taken to include everyone.
2. Family rituals can be formed among any naturally occurring group or subgroup – just the
girls, grandparent/grandchild, godparent/godchild, cousins, etc. For example, males in the
house cook on Sunday.
3. Family rituals don’t always have to be entertaining, fun, high-powered, or exciting.
Sometime, just being together is enough without having to plan, direct, manage, or
entertain.
4. Naturally occurring events are ideal because they take less effort to establish. Keep things
simple and tailored to your family's lifestyle. Mealtime is a great opportunity.
5. Family rituals don’t need a big time commitment. Ten minutes a night reading to your
daughter before bed, or fifteen minutes after dinner to play catch, color, or do a puzzle
together can mean worlds to you and your child.
8
6. Be flexible. A weekly family game night might not always be feasible on Saturdays. Be
willing to alternate nights or even postpone for a week if needed. Additionally, some
rituals will change and transform before eventually running their course. For example,
when children are young you may read to them before going to bed each night. Later,
they may read to you before bed. Finally, the reading ritual may essentially end and be
exchanged for sporadic, spontaneous sharing sessions during a back massage when the
adolescent has something on their mind.
7. Although rituals do convey considerable meaning, they are typically not cognitive
exercises and should not be overly examined or analyzed by the participants.
8. Don’t force it. Allow the relationships to develop naturally.
9. When the phone rings in the middle of your family time, take a message. Consistently
interrupted family rituals are destined to become simple activities without meaning
because they lack commitment.
10. Be creative! There are limitless opportunities to create family rituals and most don’t need
much money. Remember that being together is more important than how much you
spend.
Group activity:
1. Brainstorm different family ritual ideas.
a. Don’t spend much time explaining the idea, and remember that no idea is a bad in
the brainstorming session.
b. Ideas could be for the entire family or a subset of the family – like Grandparents
and grandchildren.
c. A recorder should be selected to write down the ideas and an initial next to who
suggested the idea.
2. Each person should then select three ideas that caught their attention the most.
3. Have the author of each selected idea explain more about what they were thinking.
4. Each person should take one idea and look to implement it in their family.
5. Set a time to report back on how it went.
For more information and ideas see the handouts on:
 Creating Family Rituals and Traditions
 Family Game Night
 Family Night Equals Family Unity
 Family Ritual Ideas
 Summertime Crafts for Kids
 Ten Reasons to Tell your Kids Stories
 Top Ten Reasons To Hold Family Meetings
9
Topic V: How can a family ritual become a community ritual?
Family rituals are repeated and coordinated activities that have significance and meaning
for the family. Families who have established rituals do better in a variety of ways from school
performance to mental health issues in children to reducing conflict and divorce in couples. In
fact family rituals have even been found to have medical benefits by shortening bouts of
respiratory infections in infants and improving preschool children's health, as well as protecting
against the transgenerational transmission of alcoholism. Particularly in families who have
suffered a divorce or who are navigating a remarriage, developing new family rituals seems to
help parents and children adapt to the changes and the stress more quickly and with fewer
problems.
Family rituals help families in a number of ways. They provide a sense of regularity and
order that families and couples require, especially those with children. They are a time when the
family can re-connect and assure one another (without necessarily saying so) of their love and
commitment to one another. They provide a sense of belonging and what is special about the
family. And finally, family rituals allow us to demonstrate and transmit our values – what we
believe and hold dear – to others.
At times a family ritual can be linked to a community event like the Special Olympics,
walks to support breast cancer research, or annual church events. Families work together to
support an activity in the community. Communities that are able to create and promote
involvement in community-wide events foster a positive and healthy family-focused atmosphere
for rearing children. The Family Festival of Desserts is one of many possible ideas that can bring
families and communities together in a charitable event.
The General idea is laid out here, but will need to be adapted to your specific community
environment. The rationale is for this to become an annual event of the community. The festival
could become part of the county fair, or could be sponsored by businesses and held at another
time.
The goal of the Festival of Desserts is to promote a family ritual around helping a charitable
organization and community involvement.
1. Family Competition
a. Families compete against each other for awards related to a family prepared
dessert.
b. Families should work together to create the dessert (for example, deciding on a
recipe, picking berries, cleaning up the kitchen).
i. Desserts should be made at home – no commercial entries.
c. Judging criteria should include points for family involvement. A panel of
“experts” could be selected to judge the different desserts. Also, people who
attend cast votes to select the best dessert. The winner is selected through a
combination of the panel of experts and the popular vote.
d. Entries should be designated by the family names, such as the “Smith Family
Blueberry Supreme.”
10
i. A picture of all the family members involved in the project should be on
display by the dessert.
ii. Families could also be allowed to recruit people to come and taste their
particular dessert.
e. Depending on how many entries there are, desserts can be judged by categories
such as, cakes, pies, etc.
f. Awards could be divided by categories such as taste, presentation, health
consciousness, etc. with an overall grand prizewinner.
g. Awards should be presented to the entire family, and the family should be present
to receive the award.
2. Fund raising aspect
a. A local charity should be chosen as the beneficiary of all proceeds from the event.
b. Entry fee for the family to enter the competition with their dessert is simply the
cost of the dessert.
i. Community members pay an entrance fee that would allow them to taste a
certain amount of desserts. For example, $4.00 entitles a person to a taste
of 3 desserts of their choice, multiple entry purchases could be discounted,
for example ten entries for $35 for families.
ii. Upon entry the person would be given a ticket. The dessert contestant
marks the ticket in some way when they give the person their “taste” piece
(the taste piece should be small the size of about 3 bites). If more tastes
were desired the person would have to purchase another ticket.
c. Tickets should be sold in advance and at the door
i. Some people may not be available to come, but would like to support the
charity;
ii. Others might want to buy tickets for someone who wouldn’t normally be
able to afford it, e.g., single mother with 5 children;
iii. Or a business benefactor might purchase 50 tickets for every child who
makes an “A” in math or science that semester in the local schools.
d. Awards could also be given to the families who sell the most tickets.
e. Marketing should target 4-H, Scouts, etc. to help sell tickets.
f. Local radio stations and newspapers could be approached to:
i. Provide public Service Announcements for the event,
ii. Cover the event as it occurs including the awarding of prizes to winners,
iii. Cover the awarding of the cash prize to the charitable organization.
g. Selling tickets in advance will also serve as a marketing tool to promote the event.
h. The creators of the desserts are encouraged to print up copies of their recipes in
order to sell them.
i. Local restaurants could be encouraged to bid on “exclusive” rights to the winning
dessert to be featured in their restaurant during the next year.
j. Awards for the best dessert categories could be donated by local businesses.
3. Other ideas
a. For those members of the community who are widows, or whose family lives
afar, intergenerational teams could be formed.
b. Restaurants and other professional organizations should be discouraged from
participating in order to promote family and community cohesion.
11
c. A variation of the activity could place men against women with male family
members and female family members competing against each other in the same
competition.
d. The entry fee for the competition is the dessert. The dessert should be sufficiently
large to accommodate the expected attendance (you should have an idea of
attendance from advanced ticket sales).
e. Music, balloons, decorations, etc. could be provided to make the event
celebratory.
f. Local businesses could be recruited to provide for other expenses such as
advertising, paper plates, forks, drinks, etc.
g. A volunteer organizing committee would be selected to be in charge of facilities,
printing of tickets, etc. The organizing committee could be rotated each year with
different organizations taking the lead each year.
If you decide to try this idea, please make sure and let me know how it went!
12
References
Bowen, M. Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. New York: Jason Aronson, 1978.
Coale, H. W. (1994). Therapeutic Use of Rituals with Stepfamilies The Family Journal, 2(1), 210.
d’Aquili, E., Laughlin, C., and McManus, J. (eds.). The Spectrum of Ritual: Biogenetic
Structural Analysis. New York: Columbia University Press, 1979.
Fiese, B. H. et al. (2002). A Review of 50 Years of Research on Naturally Occurring Family
Routines and Rituals: Cause for Celebration? Journal of Family Psychology, 16(4), 381–
390.
Gaines, R. Beginnings in Ritual Studies. Lanham,, MD: University Press of America, 1982.
Imber-Black, E., Roberts, J., and Whiting, R. Rituals in Families and Family Therapy. New
York: W.W. Norton, 1988.
Roberts, J. “Setting the Frame, Definition, Functions and Typology of Rituals,” in R. ImberBlack, et al. (eds.), Rituals in Families and Family Therapy New York: WW Norton,
1988.
Scheff, T. J. Catharsis in Healing, Ritual and Drama. Los Angeles, CA: University of California
Press, 1960.
Van Gennep, A. The Rites of Passage. Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press, 1960.
Walsh, F. “The Timing of Symptoms and Critical Events in the Family Life Cycle,” in H. A.
Little (ed.), Clinical Implications of the Family Life Cycle. Rockville, MC: Aspen Systems
Publications, 1983.
Wolin, S. J., Bennett, L. A., and Jacobs, J. S. “Assessing Family Rituals in Alcoholic Families,”
in E. Imber-Black, et al. (eds.), Rituals in Families and Family Therapy. New York: WW,
Norton, 1988.
Wolin, S. J., Bennett, L. A. “Family Rituals.” Family Process. 23 (1984): 401-420.
Oklahoma State University, U.S. Department of Agriculture, State and Local Governments
Cooperating. The Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Service offers its programs to all eligible
persons regardless of race, color, national origin, religion, sex, age, disability, or status as a
veteran, and is an equal opportunity employer.
13