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CONTENTS
MEN JOKES AND FEMINIST HUMOR
RIDDLES ABOUT MEN
QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS ABOUT MEN
WOMEN JOKES AND SEXIST HUMOR
RIDDLES ABOUT WOMEN
QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS ABOUT WOMEN
RELATIONSHIPS
-----------------------------------------------------------------------== MEN JOKES AND FEMINIST HUMOR
================================================ -= men jokes and
feminist humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------
Man - A Chemical Analysis
Element
: Man
Symbol
: Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4
inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for
ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration
near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties :
1.Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
2.Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts
if treated like a God.
3.Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). 4.Can cause headaches and
severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
5.Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
6.Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
7.Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely
thick.
8.Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
9.Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo
common ore.
10.When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety,
subterfuge, flattery are applied
Chemical properties :
1.All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
2.May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable
conditions.
3.Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
4.Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
5.Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend
to turn the specimen bright red.
6.Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
7.When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
8.Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
9.Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous
variety.
10.Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage :
1.Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
Uses :
1.Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
2.Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests :
1.Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information
on many wavelengths.
Caution :
1.Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a
particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------
Little sister answers the door and announces your date is here...she yells out, "Shelly, Mr.
Four and a Half Inches is here!"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------
Suzie: Can you beat my total of 71 men?
Jane: If you supply the whips.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a
great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to
visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..." His wife cut in, "Oh, tell
the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred
simply *will not* ask for directions."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 5 =--------------------------------------
A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard
her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My
husband is insanely jealous." There was no time to run out the back door
, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in
his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished
up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He cli
mbed out, marched across the room and out the front door. The husband looked at the TV
set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send
that guy off the field, did you?"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 6 =--------------------------------------
A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst
of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked,
"What on earth are you doing?!?!!" The wife turned to the other man and replied,
"See, I told you he was as dumb as a post."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 7 =--------------------------------------
God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis. The brain
was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things. The penis was also a good thing as it
allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God had only given Adam e
nough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of them at a time.
Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid Eve would
like the snake's fruit better than his.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 8 =--------------------------------------
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you
create a masterpiece.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 9 =--------------------------------------
Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says, "So you
would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God replies, "So she would
love you."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 10 =--------------------------------------
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel real good today. I started out
this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that.
What did you husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said,
'Thanks.'"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 11 =--------------------------------------
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again. Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives? Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms. Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too? Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 12 =--------------------------------------
A giant truck stops to pick up a hitchhikeress. The driver opens the door and says, "Come
on in. I'm not like the other ones that only let the good-looking girls have a ride."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 13 =--------------------------------------
Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone: My old boyfriend and I weren't
compatible. I'm a virgo and he's an asshole.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 14 =--------------------------------------
I had
ar."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 16 =--------------------------------------
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks
down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to
spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available s
o they have a minor problem.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we
spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
Sister: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed
place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another
blanket. Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man
and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own
damn blanket.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 17 =--------------------------------------
A Guide To Proper Etiquette In The Men's Restroom
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to
contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms,"
"bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names. As wi
th any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the
door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense
of order and dignity.
General rules:
1.Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance,
but must absolutely not call attention to yourself. 2.A quick glance in the mirror is
permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing,
etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around. 3.No
profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only. 4.If you must wait, form a
single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti
.
Grafitti rules:
5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back
to you, don't do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can
see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual
groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes
or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other compa
nies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern
standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti
is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the
bathroom.
Urinal rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one
outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to
somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations: X...... (X =
occupied, . = empty) X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant XXX.XXX <-- "privacy"
dividers are available. If the XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.
12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what
you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point,
flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step
back until you've closed your pants again.
Toilet rules:
15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.
Special cases:
18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with
the females.
1.Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
2.Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
3.If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are
noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence un
til you're dressed again.
4.Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other
option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind
sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party
before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or i
nsect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying
guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.
Pissing Tips for "Real Men" (Addendum To The Above Rules)
1.Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close to
someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from someone, they
will think that you think that they are gay. 2.Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic
, four is a wanker. 3.If you fart, say "Whooaa, what a ripper!" 4.Don't look. Real men
never compare sizes. 5.Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with
wet hands into the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.
Types Of Men You Might Find In The Restroom
Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants. Clever: Uses no
hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks around for admiration, and
sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his shoes.
Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the center, and flushes the
one on the right. Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts
to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. L
ets out a long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself. Disgruntled: Stands
for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away. Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and
pisses into his pants. Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slos
h of a liquid, from sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal
full condition.
Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once. Erect: Either because his
bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his penis is so erect that he must thrust his
buttocks backward a bit to be able to pull his member out of his pants. Ge
ts pubic hair caught up in his zipper. Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find
the hole, and ends up ripping his shorts or jamming the zipper into his shirttail. Flashy:
Tells loud jokes while pissing; shakes off drops with a great flourish.
Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across the urinal. Likes to see how many
bubbles he can make froth up. Tries to hit and sink the cigarette floating around in the
water. Has never really grown up. Indifferent: If all the urinals are being used, he
goes into a toilet stall to piss. If all the toilet stalls are taken also, he pisses into the sink
or garbage can.
Little: Stands on a box to piss into the urinal, falls in, drowns. Nosey: Looks into the next
urinal to compare himself with the other guy's organ.
Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reading the paper with his free hand.
Playful: Spots a friend's shoes under the divider wall and redirects aim accordingly.
Scientific: Backs up from the urinal to take a long shot, misses, and pisses on shoes.
Slob: Does not bother to flush urinal after using it, drips all over his shoes and pants
when zipping himself back up, and does not bother to wash hands as he leaves with his
fly undone. Usually has to adjust his balls afterwards as he is sitting down.
Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, and knows that the man next to
him will be blamed.
Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not. Timid: Cannot urinate if
someone is watching, pretends to, and then flushes the urinal as if he has already used it.
Sneaks back in once
r
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 20 =--------------------------------------
A man was complaining to a friend:
"I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then,
Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 21 =--------------------------------------
A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie
appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man
gets, his mother-in-law gets twice. The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars.
The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars. The man
says, "that's ok." The man's next wish is for a house by the sea. Once again, the Genie
reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once agai
n, the man says, "that's okay."
The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 22 =--------------------------------------
Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home? Man: I sure would, when does she
get off work?
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 23 =--------------------------------------
From the Rochester "Democrat and Chronicle", 4/14/92
Pittsburgh (AP) - If the Titanic went down today, a little more than a third of men would
give up lifeboat seats to women outside their immediate families, according to a
newspaper survey.
"There aren't gentlemanly ways today," said Mike Sigworth, one of 200 people
interviewed for the "Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's" 'Titanic Test.' Everybody would be just
trying to get the hell off the boat." The Titanic's April 1912 sinking killed 1,490 peopl
e, including 1,329 men; about 300 of 490 surviving passengers were women. Some male
survivors were scorned because they forgot or ignored the tradition of filling lifeboats
with "women and children first."
The "Post-Gazette" asked western Pennsylvania residents if they would save their own
skins or give spots to relatives, celebrities and strangers. The survey did show a high
regard for Mother Theresa. Fifty two percent of male passengers said they would g
ive up their seats to her, but only 8 percent to Madonna and 7 percent to Penguins hockey
star Mario Lemieux.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 24 =--------------------------------------
Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says, "My cock is
longer than that cat's tail." A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is
roused and measured.
But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says, "Just a moment!
Where did you measure that cat's tail from?" "From the asshole." says the bartender.
"Well, kindly do me the same favor."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 25 =--------------------------------------
From A Woman's Viewpoint
Guys, you know how things go. You've been dating the most wonderful girl in the world
for several weeks, even several months, when something odd happens. Maybe something
small, like her starting to wear a particularly rancid brand of perfume, or maybe so
mething major, like her informing you that she was only kidding when she said she
adored football. Whatever. All you know is that the thrill has ebbed. Your dreams of this
girl are no longer feverish. Your finger seems loath to dial her number; you becom
e re-enamored of airline stewardesses. The love affair is, in fact, history.
That middle period of relationships, that perilous time between the starry-eyed first
moments and the cozy, settled period when you may even have the nerve to fart in bed, is
always fraught. It's tricky business, getting to know each other, a pitfall-a-m
inute affair. And we women can be just as finicky as men. Strike the wrong note and we
have a tendency to go off our feed completely. Therefore, I am going to list some
common grievances - the things that make womens' eyes go opaque and cause them to sto
p returning phone calls.
1.Playing Hard To Get. If a man constantly breaks dates at the last minute and is often
seen squiring different blondes around town, a woman will quickly tire of him. We've all
played that game called "I don't like you as much as you like me", usually in
junior high school. A few of us will play this game unceasingly, but most of us have
better things to do with our time, such as crocheting doilies. So don't say you're going to
call when you're not, don't leave lipstick-stained cigarette butts in your a
shtrays, don't disappear for weeks at a time. We'll only yawn.
2.Playing Easy To Get. We don't like this, either. (Damn, we're picky!) There is
something off-putting about a man who brings up marriage and children during the first
weeks of courtship, who discusses adjoining burial plots on the first date, or who pro
fesses undying love with lightning speed. A human door mat is neither amusing nor
attractive. And we all know (too well) that a man who is too intense too soon has no
staying power; he is in love with love and not with us.
3.Refusing To Gossip, Especially After A Juicy Party. This is crucial. Most women will
forgive a man anything...trampling her flower beds, ignoring her nipples, forgetting her
birthday...if only he will stop pretending not to enjoy a good gossip. There i
s nothing in the world more irritating than a man who preserves a stony silence in the car
ride home from a dinner party where Gladys pulled Myrna's husband into the broom
closet while Myrna decided it would be fun to launch into an impromptu cancan righ
t after George announced his sexual preference for Lithuanian bus boys.
4.Forgetting Foreplay. One must never, as John Cleese put it, stampede the clitoris. All
men know this during their dispassionate, reflective moments, but when sexual lust rears
its insistent head, some men become stricken with amnesia and think they can
just hop on and go at it. They can't. It takes us, I don't know, approximately 11.7 minutes
to become fully aroused. We like to be fondled, we like to be kissed, we like to be told
how gorgeous we are, we crave more than a bare minimum of caresses. Othe
rwise, we become cold and hard, which is not the way you want us.
5.A Plethora Of After-Shave. Or, God forbid, cologne. I personally prefer the smell of
clean, honest sweat above all else, but many women delight in a hint of subtle fragrance.
None of us, however, is partial to an overpowering, mind-numbing, sticky-swee
t odor, so be gentle with your Brut. And eschew all "essential oils" purporting to smell
like strawberries. 6.Telling Dirty Jokes To Get Us In The Mood. No, we are not
interested in the antics of the traveling salesman and the farmer's daughter, though w
e may be vaguely intrigued to learn what the bishop said to the actress. The trouble is,
most dirty jokes are not funny. They are simply slimy, smutty, smarmy, and stupid. These
things do not, somehow, turn us on and get us in the right mood. 7.Plying Us
With Drinks And Drugs To Get Us In The Mood. We will not respect you for this
clicheed ploy. We may even become contrary. 8.Plying Yourself With Drinks And
Drugs. I have a good friend who often tells the story of a man who, after knowing her for
two wee
ks, decided it would be fun for her to see him at his worst. He was a wonderful, brilliant,
witty man, but she wasn't prepared to deal with him as a Romilar and Wild
Turkeysaturated psychopath.
9.Bad Laundry Habits. There are men who forget to wash their sheets for months on end.
They think they're being clever buying that dark paisley pattern, but the nose,
unfortunately, knows. Clothes must also be washed occasionally; it's no good taking a s
hower only to climb into clothes exuding petrified body odor.
10.Being Overly Critical. Too much criticism makes anyone want to curl up into a ball.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 26 =--------------------------------------
No Spitting - A Concise Guide to Life
Five things men should never go out smelling like:
1.The five cartons of cigarettes everyone around you smoked last night.
2.Patchouli oil.
3.Any aftershave meant to evoke where the big bad wolf first saw Little Red Riding
Hood.
4.Anything medicinal, hygienic or cosmetic that is mentholated (it doesn't evoke images
of a cool mountain stream; it reminds people of clothes left in storage).
5.Anyone whose keys you don't have.
Four flowers you don't send to anyone you care about:
1.Heliconia and birds of paradise, unless your intended love discos. 2.C
e butts aren't litter. 4.Let their VCR
continue blinking 12:00. 5.Pack a suede jacket when traveling to any location damper
than Phoenix. 6.Think that "black tie" always means tu
xedo. 7.Try to raise ficus trees in an apartment. 8.Wash their hair everyday even if it's on
the dry side. 9.Pretend that love is all you need.
Eight elements to successful entertainment:
1.A corkscrew. 2.Candles. 3.Garlic. 4.An '82 Bordeaux. 5.A deck of cards. 6.An umbrella
you can lend. 7.A bathrobe softer than terry cloth. 8.An extra Interplak attachment.
Eleven things you should try once:
1.Boudin. 2.Disney World. 3.Getting to a party exactly on time (you'll never hurry again).
4.Reading Jane Austen. 5.Going to the movies alone. 6.Wearing a piece of jewelry
without thinking that everyone is looking at it (wedding bands and school rings do
n't count). 7.Taking a long honest look in the mirror. 8.Yoga. 9.Going a whole day
without eating meat or dairy. 10.Wearing a fabric you've always thought of as luxurious.
11.The opera and a hockey game, preferably during the same week.
Five indications that your clothes fit:
1.No one tickles an exposed piece of skin right when you are reaching farthest. 2.You can
bear hug yourself. 3.You almost smiled when you caught yourself in the mirror (until the
doubt patrol started doing its number).
4.You don't readjust every time you stand up. 5.You can dance in them.
Four constructive approaches to thinning hair:
1.Baseball caps (why do you think they're suddenly so popular - team spirit?). 2.Wear it
short. 3.Admit shoulder-length fringe is less cool and more Ben Franklin. 4.Read Maria
Riva on Yul Brynner.
Three places you should go dressed 'to die for':
1.A great restaurant where you've made no reservations. 2.Your mother's - it's about time
she saw you looking good. 3.Wherever they're giving you the award.
Five hints that you're wearing too much black:
1.You approach your closet with a flashlight. 2.You sense your local priest is jealous. 3.It
takes more than 10 minutes for your date to find you in a crowd. 4.Gray is starting to look
colorful. 5.Widows tell you to cheer up.
Seven musts to have in your car:
1.A detailed map covering a 50-mile radius from your home. 2.Tissues and napkins.
3.Quarters. 4.Breath freshener and eye drops. 5.A valet key (which starts the car but not
open the trunk). 6.Glass cleaner. 7.A tape of the "1812 Overture," or something eq
ually awakening.
Five ways to hide things that are too late to fix:
1.Whipped cream. 2.A hat. 3.A turtle neck. 4.Tossing throw pillows on the floor, then
saying that everything you've made tonight is Moroccan.
5.A trunkload of flowers.
Five necessities you can never find that start with 'S':
1.Scissors. 2.Studs. 3.Shoehorns. 4.Shoelaces. 5.Styptic pencils.
Four signs a shoe is not fun or too much fun:
1.The sole is as high as the heel. 2.It has more perforations that you colander. 3.No
animal would recognize the skin as its own. 4.The salesman keeps referring to how
comfortable it is.
Five remarks people will thank you for making:
1.About something green on their teeth. 2."Half-mast, buddy!" 3.Where to vote. 4.What
color brings out their eyes. 5.That they're dragging a yard of toilet paper.
Four remarks no one will thank you for making:
1."I used to go out with her too." 2."Gosh, you look tired." 3."I think you missed the litter
basket." 4."Wearing that red ribbon doesn't mean you're actually doing anything about
AIDS"
Ten Actions you should know how to do:
1.Tie a bow tie on someone else. 2.Cook a meal from scratch in someone else's kitchen.
3.Keep a secret. 4.Perform CPR. 5.Bargain when the opportunity presents itself.
6.Console someone without platitudes. 7.Change a diaper. 8.Take a compliment with
grace
. 9.Let yourself be seduced in a part of the house without a mattress. 10.Drive a car.
You must remember these:
1.The city is doing to you what it does to your clothes. 2.If you're one in a million, there
are 4,000 people just like you. 3.If you watch your quarters, the laundry will take care of
itself. 4.It's only last minute shopping if you plan to die later in
the day. 5.Nothing is "fun for the whole family" unless the parents are younger than 10.
6.Your personal trainer is seeing someone else. 7.Nature abhors a vacuum cleaner. 8.If
you dress well, people will assume you a have a personal life.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 27 =--------------------------------------
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men
of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better.
Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut EB102: We Do Not Want Sleazy
Underwear For Christmas (Just Give Us The Credit Cards) EB103: How Not To Act Like
An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To
Relieve Yourself Anyw
here Except In The Bathroom
EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please EB106: How Not
To Act Younger Than Your Children EB107: Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives
From Your Vocabulary EB108: Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not
Synonymous GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home GE105: You Don't
Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Home Economics:
HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
HE102: How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
(formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks") HE104: Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Cook
HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom HE108: How
To Color-Coordinate
HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry
Obsession
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am IR102:
Reasons To Give Flowers
IR103: Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bullshit IR104:
Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex IR105: Marriage - Those Who Talk And Play
Together, Stay Together
Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting Stupidity
LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception LS103: Spelling - Even You Can Get
It Right LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence LS105: How To Go
Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost LS106: The Remote Control Overcoming Your Depend
ency LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes LS108: You Too Can Be A
Designated Driver LS109: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works! LS110: You
Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis
LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road
Sex Education:
SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex
SE102: Fall Semester: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You
Really Try
Spring Semester: The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning,
Take A Cold Shower
SE103: Why Women Enjoy Giving Head About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out
The
Garbage
SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO" SE105:
How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "Yes" SE106:
Variations On Sex Positions (formerly called "Women Like To Be On Top Sometimes
Too")
SE107: Alternatives To Handle Cases Of Sudden Erection SE108: Foreplay - The Slow
And Easy Appetizer Preceding The Main Meal
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 28 =--------------------------------------
There are three things a man over 40 should never forget: Never pass up the opportunity
to take a leak. Never trust a fart.
Never take a hard-on for granted.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 29 =--------------------------------------
Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and
everything they do.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 30 =--------------------------------------
Greeting Cards Oriented Towards The Male Buyer
A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by
women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange g
a vase of red roses. Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!
Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt. Cover
caption: To my golf partner...
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I'm sleeping with my secretary.
Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses. Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm
sorry to hear the news... Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in
another bar fight.
Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies. Cover
caption: To the daughter that I love... Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this
house dressed like a slut!
Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing. Cover caption: To my
wonderful wife...I know we've had a little disagreement Inside caption: But please don't
cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!
Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands. Cover caption: Congratulations and the
best of luck! Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 31 =--------------------------------------
From James Lileks' "Notes of a Nervous Man":
Wieners come in packs of ten, buns in packs of eight, beer in packs of six, presliced
bologna comes in packs of sixteen slices, condoms come in packs of 3. Why can't they
get it straight? Man needs a calculator just to have a weekend.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 32 =--------------------------------------
Why Map Y?
Advances in medical science have allowed geneticists to map out the ever finer details of
the mysterious Y chromosome. Geneticists the world over have been astir over the recent
discoveries of the following gene loci, which had previously been observed f
or centuries but, up to now, never been associated directly with genetic or environmental
factors in the male Homo Sapien species:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------11.32 /____\ --- Testis Determining Factor (TDF) |____|
11.31 | | --- Three Stooges Appreciation
| |
(Curly Stimulation Factor, CSF)
p
| | --- Gadgetry (MAC-locus)
11.2 | | -\
| | > Channel Flipping (FLP)
| | -/
|----| --- Catching and Throwing (BLZ-1)
11.1 | | --- Self-confidence (BLZ-2) (unlinked to ability) _ _ _ _ \--/
/--\
11.1 | | Ability to remember and tell jokes (GOT-1)
|----| --/
| | --- Sports Page (BUD-E)
11.21 | ||--- Addiction to death and destruction movies (T-2)
| | \-- Air Guitar (RIF)
11.22 |____| \- Ability to identify aircraft (DC-10)
|____|
q
| ||--- Preadolescent fascination with Arachnida/Reptilia
| |
(MOM-4U)
11.23 | ||--- Spitting (P2E)
| | \-- Sitting on toilet reading (linked to Sports Page)
| |
|____||--- Inability to express affection over the phone (ME-2)
| | \- Selective hearing loss (HUH?)
| | \
12.0 | | Total lack of recall for dates (OOPS)
| |
| |
| |
•- - - \--/
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 33 =--------------------------------------
My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic
atmosphere. In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 34 =--------------------------------------
A woman is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful love scene in a
movie. Her husband leans over and whispers those three little words that are on his mind:
"Pass the popcorn."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 35 =--------------------------------------
A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants is to have
sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 36 =--------------------------------------
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber
sex?
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 37 =--------------------------------------
A woman's idea of the perfect man is someone who is obedient, well-mannered, faithful,
can empty the garbage, and is a great lover in bed. Now if only you could train a dog to
have sex in positions other than doggie style and bestiality was more socially
accepted...
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 38 =--------------------------------------
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 39 =--------------------------------------
They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true. They also care a lot about
power, world domination, money, and beer.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 40 =--------------------------------------
A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you
somewhere before?" "Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D.
clinic."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 41 =--------------------------------------
It would be wonderful if there was a potion that could give the average guy the physique
of Sylvester Stallone, the brains of Ted Koppel, and the sense of humor of John
Goodman. Of course, it could be a little scary. One mix-up and you end up with a guy
with John Goodman's body, Sylvester Stallone's I.Q., and the charm of Ted Koppel.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 42 =--------------------------------------
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women
complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good
man.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 43 =--------------------------------------
At the mall, women get excited, thrilled, and overjoyed by purchasing the perfect item.
Men experience the same feelings just by finding a close parking space.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 44 =--------------------------------------
If a man was king of the world, he would make every Sunday a Super Bowl Sunday,
outlaw cleaning, and require women to work naked.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 45 =--------------------------------------
A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity.
That's why he dates someone half his age.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 46 =--------------------------------------
So many bachelors lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear toupees and
loose shirts that hide their stomachs...and say they want a "real women"!
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 47 =--------------------------------------
The Single Woman's Language Guide
How To Translate Menspeak
When He Says
He Really Means
-------------------------Do you have the time?
to go to bed
Hello
Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
How are you?
in bed, I mean.
I'd like a discreet relationship.
I want sex, but I'm married.
I'll be out of town for a few days. I'll be spending time with with the wife.
I'm a novelist.
I have 10 unpublished books.
I'm coming off a long relationship. My wife is divorcing me.
I'm consulting.
I'm looking for a job.
I'm divorced.
I just slipped off my wedding ring.
I'm in television.
I fix them.
I'm involved in banking.
I'm a bank guard.
I'm self-employed.
I just got fired.
I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. I'm sorry I got caught.
I'm thinking of relocating.
I can't find a job locally in this town.
I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. Be patient forever.
I enjoy reading.
Playboy and Penthouse.
I have the Midas touch.
I install mufflers.
I like a woman who is intelligent. As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
I love opera.
I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
I play the market.
Safeway
I work high up in an executive office.
s being such a large part of their personal identity, that when a
woman wants to break up a relationship with a man, it helps if she uses the very same key
words he uses on the job, words that he will understand
clearly.
If He Is A...
Say To Him, "Our relationship has...
-------------------------------------------------------------armchair athlete without a job.
been shut out 45 to 0 with 18 turnovers."
astronomer
been a black hole."
banker/accountant
gone bankrupt."
bartender
been on the rocks."
boxer
been K.O.'d."
bus driver
reached the end of the line."
carpenter
had a sinking foundation."
chemist
been under a fume hood for too long."
doctor
been malpracticed."
economist
been in a ten year recession."
electrician
been short circuited."
engineer
been miscalculated."
fireman
been burned to the ground."
football player
been fumbled at the one yard line."
geologist
been taken for granite."
lawyer
been given the death penalty."
mathematician
been taken to the limit."
milkman
gone sour."
miner
gone bust."
opera star
reached its grand finale."
personnel worker
been terminated."
physicist
lacked harmonic motion."
pilot
lost power in all its engines."
policeman
copped out."
politician
been impeached."
programmer
been core dumped."
race car driver
run its course."
sailor
lost at sea."
soldier
been wiped out."
teacher
flunked out."
truck driver
overturned on our highway of life."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 48 =--------------------------------------
Men And Automobiles
Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the Ujoints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high
gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn
and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline.
When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old
bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter,
making it hard to get started in the morning. It is hard to keep the rad
iator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to
reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant
recharging. But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, givi
ng the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the
primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 49 =--------------------------------------
Men would rather pledge allegiance to a flag than to a woman.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 50 =--------------------------------------
A man knows:
1.every inch of his car and how to take care of it, but can't say the same about his
girlfriend.
2.knows the exact date that he bought his car, but can't recall his wedding anniversary.
3.can shift gears with a lot more skill in his car than he can in bed.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 51 =--------------------------------------
Men will do anything for women except not fall asleep immediately after sex, tell women
what's wrong when they ask, and ask for directions when they're driving.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 52 =--------------------------------------
The average bachelor really believes he is cooking when he adds milk to a bowl of cereal,
heats up a slice of pizza in the microwave, picks up the phone and orders Chinese food,
warms up leftovers that his mom put in the refrigerator.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 53 =--------------------------------------
All too often, when a man is thinking about a birthday present for his lady, he will wait
until the last minute to buy it, ignore any hints that she has dropped, and then buy the
wrong size, color, and style.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 54 =--------------------------------------
(true story!)
Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long
business trip in Toronto. As she grabbed her luggage and headed off, she asked, "Did you
miss me?"
I replied quite innocently, "It's been so hard without you."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 55 =--------------------------------------
Meat, Cars, (And Sexual Politics)
In her remarkable book, "The Sexual Politics of Meat", Carol Adams provocatively
attempts to portray vegetarianism as a feminist issue. I found myself amazed by the
extent to which the symbol of meat and the objectification of women permeates our
society
. I was struck with the possibility that it may be possible and interesting to integrate other
issues in a similar way, with the hope of inspiring a spirit of unity among those struggling
for separate, yet tangential, causes. I in no way intend to demean
the issue of vegetarianism, the anti-car movement, or feminism. Instead, I hope that I can
strengthen them all by increasing the awareness of those involved in one issue of the
relative importance of the others.
In America, the standard diet dictates the serving of meat at each and every meal. In a
similar manner, the automobile reigns as the primary form of transportation in our cities.
It is difficult to discern which trend is more disastrous to our bodies, ou
r society as a whole, the ecology of the planet, and all of the creatures who inhabit it.
The Myth Of Masculinity
While "The Sexual Politics of Meat" is provocative in its attempting to identify the
culture of meat as a male-dominated culture that adds to the objectification of women, it
is even easier to see how the keeping and maintaining of automobiles is a maledominated trend. In fact, just as most butchers are men, so are most mechanics. While
women are often called pieces of meat, it is just as common to refer to cars as is if they
are women: "She's got a slick motor and rides smooth and clean." What about t
he calendar photos that are so common, of female models clad in swimsuits atop sportscars? The owning of an automobile is a rite of passage for the male in our culture. It is
how a boy "gets laid", by picking-up the girl in his car, which provides them
with the independence required to have sex. The bicycle is viewed as nothing more than a
child's toy which is outgrown during the passage to adulthood. Also, it is continuously
pressed on the growing boy the need to consume plenty of animal protein, so t
hat he will be "strong". Both the failure to own a car and the refusal to eat meat by a male
result in a similar stigma: emasculation. As a side note, the development of the bicycle
rapidly escalated the pace of women's liberation in America and Europe.
First of all, it allowed women to set out on their own and travel with a reasonable level of
safety and previously unheard of level of independence. It also brought the wearing of
pants among women ("bloomers", they were called) into acceptance, for many
women simply refused to wear highly impractical dresses while riding their bikes. Ted
White's film "The Return of the Scorcher" has more details on this phenomenon.
The Health And Well-Being Of Individuals And Society
The private automobile is the most wasteful form of transportation currently in use, in
terms of energy consumption. The eating of animal flesh is the many times more wasteful
than the eating plants, as much energy is lost in the process. Up to thirty ti
mes more energy is used in driving a given distance as opposed to bicycling the same
distance. A cow must be fed twenty grams of protein for every gram of protein its meat
yields. The auto industry requires a ste
d auto-related businesses. The continu
ed over- grazing of cows on public and private land is causing widespread erosion and
environmental devastation. The smog and pollution caused by over-reliance on the
automobile is a public health hazard. The consumption of animal products has been linke
d to heart disease, colon cancer, obesity, and various other health disorders. To quote
Ernest Callenbach, author of "Ecotopia", the three great threats to the environment are:
"Cows, cars, and chain-saws."
Industry And Misinformation
Six of the ten largest corporations in America are in the oil or automobile industries.
They have a lock on the media and bombard us with their endless stream of
advertisements for their cars and car-products, never once mentioning the hazards
involved o
r the alternatives available. They fiercely fight the development of alternate forms of
transportation, such as light rail and bicycle-pedestrian-only areas. The meat and dairy
industry has been the primary source of nutritional "education" in our school
s, contributing free educational products promoting the nutritional "necessity" of meat
and dairy products. They have lobbied tirelessly for maintaining the "Four Food Groups"
model of a balanced diet that most of us grew up with - where half of the mode
l is made up of animal products, even though it is widely accepted that the new food
pyramid is a much healthier model. The meat industry and fast food industry have also
spread their brainwashing message through advertising, almost rivaling the auto ind
ustry with their unavoidably offensive billboard campaigns.
What About The Animals?
It is widely estimated that over four-hundred million animals die from being struck by
automobiles each year, world-wide. That's over a million a day! More than vivisection,
even. Their deaths are often slow and excruciatingly painful. Everywhere they ar
e built, the construction of roads tears apart ecosystems and kills countless numbers of
the plants and animals who inhabit them. While I have seen articles on roadkill in animal
rights magazines, I have never once seen one of them encourage people to st
op driving as an option. Every year, over billions of animals are killed simply for the
pleasure of the taste of their flesh. Most of the animals are forced to live in tortuous
conditions far removed from their natural habitats.
Everyday Actions And Benefits
Curtailing automobile use is a simple, direct action that anyone can do. Reducing one's
consumption of meat is just as simple and effective. Neither of these actions require any
activism, just a bit of effort. Progressive activists of all stripes should
be able to make these simple lifestyle changes without detracting anything from their
own personal cause. In fact, the health benefits of both bicycle riding and a vegan diet are
reasons alone for anyone, not to mention all the money you'll save.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 56 =--------------------------------------
There is no fairness between the way the world considers men and women. When he
comes into the world, all ask, "And how is the mother getting along?" When he gets
married, the only things you hear is, "What a lovely bride." And when he kicks the
bucket,
what do people say? "How much did he leave her?"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 57 =--------------------------------------
Are you a heterosexual, monogamous male? The latest research indicates that there a
dozens of HMM's in our nation's armed services alone. Of course, many straight men are
afraid to come out and openly express their true feelings towards women and fidelit
y. They may be afraid to face the ridicule of those in the majority of Americans who find
it hard to accept the premise that a man could possibly want to become and stay married
to a person of the opposite sex. They may fear discrimination in the workpla
ce, or possibly in finding suitable housing where they can be free to live the "straight"
lifestyle. Some HMM's are afraid that their unpopular views may result in them being
branded "politically incorrect". Tragically, many Americans may be HMM's and no
t even know it. Are you a HMM? Are you sure? Could you possibly be running from the
heterosexual trapped within you? Don't be afraid. Answer the questions below and add up
your score. You might just surprise yourself.
1.Are you a biological male? (10 points for yes. 5 points if you had to check your driver's
license.) 2.Which term best describes you? (Married to only one Woman = 5 points;
Engaged to only one Woman = 3 points, Dating only one Woman = 2 points; Dating s
everal women, or at least not dating any men = 1 point.) 3.If you had to watch one of the
following movies ("Patton", "The Magnificent Seven", "Thelma and Louise", "The
Longest Yard", "The Dirty Dozen"), which would you choose?
(5 points for any response except "Thelma and Louise".) 4.Give yourself 1 point for each
of the following statements which is true of you:
I own a dog.
I own a gun.
I like Clint Eastwood movies.
I wear lots of plaid, flannel shirts. I won't drink espresso.
I have purchased power tools for myself in the last month. I secretly believe that I could
have whipped Mike Tyson. I wish Mel Gibson would keep his pants on. I don't see what's
so funny about Homer Simpson. I don't need a man's attention to make me feel
attractive. If you scored between 20 and 30 points, you could quite possibly be a HMM.
Of course, a married lesbian who shops from the Eddie Bauer catalog, likes Charles
Bronson, has a new power sander, a pit bull, and a Colt Python .45, would score qui
te high as well. HMM is a political advocacy group dedicated to the pursuit of equal
rights for heterosexual monogamous males like you. We have formed in response to the
death of the Republican party on November 3, 1992 (extensively reported by the media
). The way we see it, we can either whine and snivel like the liberals have been doing for
the last twelve years, or we can suck right up to the Clinton administration and grab every
bit of preferential treatment that the other special interest groups re
ceive.
It will not be easy. There are enemies of HMM in the Democratic party, enemies that
have been playing the oppressed minority game far longer than we. They may try to tell
us that we don't belong. They may try to brand us as "politically incorrect" (we pr
efer the gentler "politically challenged"). The beauty of it is that they have to take us, or
risk losing their claim to being the party of inclusion.
Our aim is to become one of them. To become part of the political inside. To scratch and
claw, accuse and threaten, protest and plead, until we have earned our place at the public
trough.
Your membership in HMM speaks volumes about your courage in the face of a nation
uncomfortable with our lifestyle. Together, we can fight the ignorance and fear. After all,
we did not choose to be straight. This is the way we have been created! Heterosex
uality is not what we do. It is what we are! I look forward to working with you to stem
the tide of the latent heterophobia that now grips Washington, D.C. and the rest of the
country. Please enjoy the included articles from past issues of Straight Talk
for HMM's and feel free to copy them and pass them around wherever you meet other
straight, monogamous men. Remember:
We're not gay, it's O.K.
We're straight, it's great.
Get used to it.
Subscriptions cost $15.95 for twelve monthly issues (each approximately 8 pages), or our
special introductory rate of $4.95 for three issues. Your newsletters will come in a
envelope that will in no way identify you with this HMM because your decision to
come out of the closet must be your own. Send check or money order to:
Very truly yours,
Norm D. Plume
Founder of HMM
Editor Straight Talk for HMM's
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 58 =--------------------------------------
My ex-boyfriend was not a very good communicator. It's hard to drink beer and talk at
the same time.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 59 =--------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
In a recent Amtrak survey, 1,000 men chose Cindy Crawford as the celebrity with whom
they would most like to travel. In a related survey, 1,000 women chose a rolling pin as
the kitchen implement they would likely use if they found their husbands travelin
g with Cindy Crawford.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 60 =--------------------------------------
Male Answer Syndrome:
Why Men Always Have Opinions, Even On Subjects They Know Nothing About
In the a
ieved. Have you ever wondered why:
Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the
Japanese?
Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing with the national debt?
Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace in the
Middle East?
Men who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA?
Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really want?
Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends fixing up his Harley
and watching female mud wrestling, how he thinks political autonomy will affect the
economies of the Baltic states. His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfu
lly. "It's interesting that you mention that...," he will begin, and then he will come up with
something-probably nothing remotely feasible, but something. This behavior, the chronic
answering of questions regardless of actual knowledge, is known as Male
Answer Syndrome. The compulsion to answer varies from person to person, but few men
are happy saying, "I don't know." They prefer, "That's not what's important here." They
try not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, "Do I know anything
about this subject?" or "Is what I have to say interesting?" They take a broad view of
questions, treating them less as requests for specific pieces of information than as
invitations to expand on some theories, air a few prejudices, and tell a couple of
jokes. Some men seem to regard life as a talk show on which they are the star guest. If
you ask, "What is the capital of Peru?" they hear, "So tell us a bit about your early years,
Bob." Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. If you ask a woman, "Wh
y did Madonna go on David Letterman Show?" she will simply shrug helplessly,
acknowledging that some things are simply unknowable. A man, on the other hand, will
come up with a few theories (She's has the same agent? Overdose of Prozac?). Men have
the co
urage and inventiveness to try to explain the inexplicable.
But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless, as my friend Pauline
discovered at the age of 8. She had found that eating ice cream made her teeth hurt and
asked her father whether Eskimos had the same problem. "No," he said. "They have
rubber t
eeth." Pauline repeated this information in a geography lesson and found herself the
laughing stock of the class. That was how she learned that a man, even if he is your own
father, would rather make up an answer than admit to his ignorance.
Later in life, women run into the same problem: Men can speak with such conviction that
women may be fooled into thinking that they actually know what they're talking about.
My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as diverse as global
warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. In reality, however, he is an expert at only one
thing: making very little knowledge go a very long way. For him answering is
a game, and not knowing what he's talking about just adds to the thrill.
Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. Even mild-mannered Abe Lincoln
types may react to, "Are you sure about that?" as a vicious slur on their manhood and find
themselves backing up a ludicrous assertion with spurious facts.
Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. There is in the female
correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex. Women who behind closed
doors expound eloquently on particle physics may be found, in male company, gaping at
the news tha
t the earth is round. MAS tends to be mild until puberty; boys begin to speak with
authority on matters of foreign policy at the same time they start to grow facial hair. And
how MAS developed? Since killing wooly mammoths and attacking enemies with rock
s are now frowned upon, and since shirts open to the navel are not appropriate in every
social situation, men prove their masculinity by concocting elaborate theories about
football.
Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moritorium on all malefemale
conversation. This is alarmist. But care should be taken. Women must remind themselves
that if a man tells them something particularly interesting there is a good chance tha
t it is particularly untrue.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------== RIDDLES ABOUT MEN
=========================================================== -=
riddles about men =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them.
or
So men can understand them.
-= riddles about men =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A snowwoman is easier to make,
'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into
balls to make its testicles.
-= riddles about men =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
-= riddles about men =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the
stupid ones.
-= riddles about men =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the best thing to come out of a penis? The wrinkles!
-= riddles about men =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man.
-= riddles about men =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men? They discovered they were
throwing away the best part.
-= riddles about men =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are some men uncircumcised?
The doctors were afraid of causing brain damage to the infant.
-= riddles about men =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the dumbest part of a man's body? His penis. It has a head without a brain, it
swings with two nuts, and it lives right around the corner from an asshole.
-= riddles about men =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------
Why don't women have any brains?
Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.
-= riddles about men =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? Castrated.
-= riddles about men =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs? So they know not to
embarrass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.
-= riddles about men =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------
Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
Because they are all perfect assholes.
-= riddles about men =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.
-= riddles about men =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.
-= riddles about men =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------
How does an older woman keep her youth? By giving him money.
-= riddles about men =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
-= riddles about men =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
-= riddles about men =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to
childhood, he's already there.
-= riddles about men =-= 20 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men resist becoming fathers?
Because they aren't through yet being children.
-= riddles about men =-= 21 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the best way to get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
-= riddles about men =-= 22 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
-= riddles about men =-= 23 =-------------------------------------
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
-= riddles about men =-= 26 =-------------------------------------------------
Why is it good that we now have female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in space, at
least the woman will ask for directions.
-= riddles about men =-= 27 =-------------------------------------------------
Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years? Because even
then, men couldn't stop to ask directions.
-= riddles about men =-= 28 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a man consider to be a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack.
-= riddles about men =-= 29 =-------------------------------------------------
How did the angry guy try to kill his pet bird? Throw it off a cliff.
-= riddles about men =-= 30 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
-= riddles about men =-= 31 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory? Proofread.
-= riddles about men =-= 32 =-------------------------------------------------
Why did the man fill his waterbed with beer? He wanted a foam mattress.
-= riddles about men =-= 33 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a man say when he looks in a box of Cheerios? "Oh look, donut seeds!"
-= riddles about men =-= 34 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men like paper cups?
They're dispensable.
-= riddles about men =-= 35 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels? Blonde men are stupid too.
-= riddles about men =-= 36 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a man is a WASP?
He gets out of the shower to pee.
-= riddles about men =-= 37 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested? Wear perfume that smells like
beer.
-= riddles about men =-= 38 =-------------------------------------------------
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
-= riddles about men =-= 39 =-------------------------------------------------
When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's: sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing. What
does she get?
The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer breath.
-= riddles about men =-= 40 =-------------------------------------------------
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
-= riddles about men =-= 41 =-------------------------------------------------
What did God say after he created man?
"I can do better than this" and he made woman. But the disruptions created in Adam's
internals when God removed his rib were so great that it caused Adam's brain to sink
down into his testicles. And so one of Eve's first assignments was to explain to Ada
m the difference between his black and navy blue socks.
-= riddles about men =-= 42 =-------------------------------------------------
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? Women cook, men eat; women clean, men
get dirty; women iron, men wrinkle.
-= riddles about men =-= 43 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
-= riddles about men =-= 44 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
-= riddles about men =-= 45 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
-= riddles about men =-= 46 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
-= riddles about men =-= 47 =-------------------------------------------------
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
-= riddles about men =-= 48 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
-= riddles about men =-= 49 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.
-= riddles about men =-= 50 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this...
|<---------------------->|
is 12 inches.
-= riddles about men =-= 51 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble finding a
bar.
-= riddles about men =-= 52 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone? Divorced
What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.
-= riddles about men =-= 53 =-------------------------------------------------
What is a macho man?
After getting a blow job, he asks the woman, 'Was it as good for you, as it was for me?'
What is a more macho man?
At the critical moment, he can't get it up, he asks the woman, 'Does this happen to you
often?'
-= riddles about men =-= 54 =-------------------------------------------------
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex.
-= riddles about men =-= 55 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.
-= riddles about men =-= 56 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat
and make love in under 5 minutes.
-= riddles about men =-= 57 =-------------------------------------------------
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would
get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.
-= riddles about men =-= 58 =-------------------------------------------------
How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around? Get married.
-= riddles about men =-= 59 =-------------------------------------------------
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
-= riddles about men =-= 60 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a pregnant belly and a beer belly? One gives birth and the
other gives burps.
-= riddles about men =-= 61 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts
are nicer.
-= riddles about men =-= 62 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out
clothes.
-= riddles about men =-= 63 =-------------------------------------------------
How are men like UFOs?
You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're going
to take off.
-= riddles about men =-= 64 =-------------------------------------------------
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
-= riddles about men =-= 65 =-------------------------------------------------
How is a man and a sports car alike?
Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast.
-= riddles about men =-= 66 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The
sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
-= riddles about men =-= 67 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and
sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
-= riddles about men =-= 68 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old
man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks
often about dating them.
-= riddles about men =-= 69 =-----------n? The La-Z-Boy recliner.
-= riddles about men =-= 72 =-------------------------------------------------
If men had PMS, what would happen?
1.The federal government would allocate funds to study it. 2.Cramps would become an
acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability. 3.There would be a federal holiday
every 28 days. 4.All of the above.
-= riddles about men =-= 73 =-------------------------------------------------
If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes can four
men wash in four hours?
None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.
-= riddles about men =-= 74 =-------------------------------------------------
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
-= riddles about men =-= 75 =-------------------------------------------------
What's a man's worst nightmare?
1.The Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera. 2.His wife has amnesia and forgets how
to cook so he has to. 3.A female boss. 4.He has to ask his wife for money.
-= riddles about men =-= 76 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the greatest mystery about men?
How they can get older but still manage to remain immature.
-= riddles about men =-= 77 =-------------------------------------------------
How do you keep a man from wanting sex? You marry him.
-= riddles about men =-= 78 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a man's playing around? He sends you love notes that are
photocopied and begin with the line, "To whom it may concern..."
-= riddles about men =-= 79 =-------------------------------------------------
What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward? It ends up in his mouth.
-= riddles about men =-= 80 =-------------------------------------------------
What happens when a man tries to hide his baldness by combing his hair across his head?
The truth comes shining through.
-= riddles about men =-= 81 =-------------------------------------------------
How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?
They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.
-= riddles about men =-= 82 =-------------------------------------------------
Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?
-= riddles about men =-= 83 =-------------------------------------------------
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men
dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
-= riddles about men =-= 84 =-------------------------------------------------
How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"? He never had to date one.
-= riddles about men =-= 85 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy? He *throws* his kisses.
-= riddles about men =-= 86 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.
-= riddles about men =-= 87 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell it's puppy love for a man? He slobbers all over you.
-= riddles about men =-= 88 =-------------------------------------------------
What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars? Dumbbells.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
-= riddles about men =-= 89 =-------------------------------------------------
What are the only two kinds of men?
Studs and duds.
-= riddles about men =-= 90 =-------------------------------------------------
What do men have difficulty retaining?
1.a job 2.a budget 3.a promise 4.a secret 5.a friendship 6.a marriage 7.an anniversary date
8.a 30-minute erection 9.all of the above
-= riddles about men =-= 91 =-------------------------------------------------
What could men do to make their marriages last longer? Pay less attention to prenuptial
agreements and more to postnuptial affection and sex.
-= riddles about men =-= 92 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a man notice most when he's at the beach with his girlfriend? Every other
woman there.
-= riddles about men =-= 93 =-------------------------------------------------
How do some men avoid making a wrong career move? They never get a job.
-= riddles about men =-= 94 =-------------------------------------------------
What is a "man about town"?
He's here, there, and everywhere, except home.
-= riddles about men =-= 95 =-------------------------------------------------
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? An insurance company.
-= riddles about men =-= 96 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a man think foreplay is?
1.It's something that you do on the golf course. 2.It's something that occurs 2 minutes
before having sex.
-= riddles about men =-= 97 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other? Each one thinks the
other is having sex more often.
-= riddles about men =-= 98 =-------------------------------------------------
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.
-= riddles about men =-= 99 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do so few men end up in heaven?
They never stop to ask for directions.
The men who do make it to Heaven are going to have a rude awakening up there when
they find out two things: God is a woman...and she nailed down all of Heaven's toilet
seats!
-= riddles about men =-= 100 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the real reason men can't communicate? It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same
time. At first, I thought my guy was the strong silent type. But lately, I've realized, he has
nothing to say.
-= riddles about men =-= 101 =-------------------------------------------------
When do men insist that women are illogical? When a woman doesn't agree with them.
-= riddles about men =-= 102 =-------------------------------------------------
Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have feelings.
-= riddles about men =-= 103 =-------------------------------------------------
How do you get a man to come when you call? Ask him if he wants some food.
How do you get a man to leave when you want? Ask him about his feelings.
-= riddles about men =-= 104 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the easiest way for a wife cause hearing loss in her husband? Say she wants to talk
to him.
-= riddles about men =-= 105 =-------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, men will screw anything.
How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb? We'll know as soon as one gets
off the couch and does it. or
Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the bitch
do it by herself.
or
None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
-= riddles about men =-= 106 =-------------------------------------------------
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can? None. The bitch
should have had it open when she brought it.
-= riddles about men =-= 107 =-------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Nobody knows. It has never
happened.
-= riddles about men =-= 108 =-------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to dirty up 12 pots while cooking a meal? One.
-= riddles about men =-= 109 =-------------------------------------------------
How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework? They're both afraid of
the vacuum cleaner.
-= riddles about men =-= 110 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the only weight lifting many men do in a day? Lifting themselves out of bed and
doing arm curls with beer can dumbbells.
-= riddles about men =-= 111 =--------------------------------------What's the best way to have your husband
remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
-= riddles about men =-= 114 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do balding men comb the few wisps of hair that they still have across their heads?
So they can fool themselves.
-= riddles about men =-= 115 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
-= riddles about men =-= 116 =-------------------------------------------------
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital.
-= riddles about men =-= 117 =-------------------------------------------------
"Three Men And A Baby"
What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.
-= riddles about men =-= 118 =-------------------------------------------------
Why did the man cross the road?
Because his penis told him to.
or
Because he thought he could get laid if he did. or
So the woman driving down the street could hit him. (You know us women, we just can't
drive worth shit...)
or
Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.
-= riddles about men =-= 119 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you do if your bank account stops working? Throw the guy out of the house.
-= riddles about men =-= 120 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
-= riddles about men =-= 121 =-------------------------------------------------
What do ceramic tile and men have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you
can walk on them for life!
-= riddles about men =-= 122 =-------------------------------------------------
How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm? A real man
doesn't care.
-= riddles about men =-= 123 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women.
-= riddles about men =-= 124 =-------------------------------------------------
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
-= riddles about men =-= 125 =-------------------------------------------------
What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
-= riddles about men =-= 126 =-------------------------------------------------
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------== QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS ABOUT MEN
============================================= -= quotes and one-liners
about men =-= 1 =-----------------------------------
An empty man is full of himself. - Edward Abbey
You can't belay a man who's falling in love. - Edward Abbey
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 2 =-----------------------------------
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women. - Woody Allen
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not
loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be
happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering
makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer
from too much happiness. - Woody Allen
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 3 =-----------------------------------
A gentleman does things no gentleman should do in a way only a gentleman can.
•Luigi Banzini
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 4 =-----------------------------------
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will
pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want. - William Binger
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 5 =-----------------------------------
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. - Du Bois
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 6 =-----------------------------------
Why be a man when you can be a success? - Bertold Brecht
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 7 =-----------------------------------
If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle. Rita Mae Brown
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 8 =-----------------------------------
The male is a domestic animal who, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained
to do most things. - Jilly Cooper
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 9 =-----------------------------------
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. - Emerson
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 10 =-----------------------------------
Whatever they may be in public life, whatever their relationships with men, in their
relationships with women, all men are rapists, and that's all they are. They rape us with
their eyes, their laws, and their codes. - from "The Women's Room" (1977) by Ma
rilyn French
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 11 =-----------------------------------
A man who has been the indisputable favourite of his mother keeps for life the feeling of
a conqueror. - Sigmund Freud
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 12 =-----------------------------------
If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still apes around? Some of them were
given choices. - Johnny Hart's comic strip "B. C."
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 13 =-----------------------------------
If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not beautiful. - Haskins
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 14 =-----------------------------------
In all systems of theology, the devil figures as a male person. - Don Herold
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 15 =-----------------------------------
For a man to pretend to understand women is bad manners; for him to really understand
them is bad morals. - Henry James
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 16 =-----------------------------------
Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms of a chambermaid
as a duchess. - Dr. Johnson
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 17 =-----------------------------------
The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her because she is a human being, but
because she is a woman. That she is a human being is of no concern to him. - Immanuel
Kant
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 18 =-----------------------------------
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. - Jayne Mansfield
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 19 =-----------------------------------
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
Variation: Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 20 =-----------------------------------
When I was young, I used to have successes with women because I was young. Now I
have successes with women because I am old. Middle age was the hardest part.
•Artur Rubinstein
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 21 =-----------------------------------
50 Facts About Men
1.Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2.Men who have pierced
ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 3.If
you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has
it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with
a scream and a flush. 4.Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich"
usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5.Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more
women than men, it pays to recycle. 6.Men are very confident people. My husband is so
confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concent
rates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living
room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7.If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8.Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 9.Men love to be
the fi
gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and
bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination
address book, telescope and piano. 17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our
relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwar
zkopf. 18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log
does not burn, he will take it personally. 19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they
are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of
names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. 22. Men have an easier time buying
bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two
types: nerdy and not nerdy. 23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If yo
ur heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable
heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into
a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another
man wearing a black tuxedo." 25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's depart
ment is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 26. If a
man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is
serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a
new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-tobutterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer,
and players' shorts get baggier and longer. 29. No man is charming all of the time. Even
Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 31. When four or more
women get together, they talk about men. 32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a
beer belly. 33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie
'The Way We Were' twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively
fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your
number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. 36. Men hate to lose. I once beat
my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" H
e said, "Yes, but not with each other." 37. Men who can eat anything they want and not
gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I
never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a
man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have you
r children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. 39. Men accept compliments much better
than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other
side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. 41. Men
who listen to classical music tend not to spit. 42. Only men who have worn a ski suit
understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearin
g a jumpsuit. 43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the
back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help
us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women
have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 45. When a woman
tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weig
ht. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the
clothing has shrunk. 46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With
female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to da
te young girls and drive motorcycles. 47. Men forget everything; women remember
everything. 48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten
what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. 50. All men
would still really like to own a train set.
•Rita Rudner's "50 Facts About Men"
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 22 =-----------------------------------
A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. - Mae West
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. - Mae West
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 23 =-----------------------------------
Men become old, but they never become good. - Oscar Wilde
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 24 =-----------------------------------
A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun; he sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs.
One.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 25 =-----------------------------------
Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 26 =-----------------------------------
Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 27 =-----------------------------------
Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women. Boys will be boys, but men are
better at it.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 28 =-----------------------------------
Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 29 =-----------------------------------
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 30 =-----------------------------------
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 31 =-----------------------------------
Men...give them an inch...and they add it to their own.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 32 =-----------------------------------
I called my last boyfriend "Miller Lite"; tasted good, but wasn't very filling.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 33 =-----------------------------------
If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 34 =-----------------------------------
If they can put a man on the moon, then why can't they just put them all there.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 35 =-----------------------------------
Men are like dog turds; the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 36 =-----------------------------------
Men piss like cheap cameras; they just aim and shoot.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 37 =-----------------------------------
Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 38 =-----------------------------------
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 39 =-----------------------------------
90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 40 =-----------------------------------
Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 41 =-----------------------------------
PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts EVERY DAY.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 42 =-----------------------------------
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------== WOMEN JOKES AND SEXIST HUMOR
================================================ -= women jokes and
sexist humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------
Woman - A Chemical Analysis
Element
Symbol
: Woman
: Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-1
ore. 6.Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical Properties :
1.Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones. 2.Absorbs great
quantities of expensive substances. 3.May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4.Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in al
cohol to a certain point.
5.Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense. 6.Most powerful money reducing
agent known to Man.
Uses :
1.Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2.Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
3.Can warm and comfort under some circumstances. 4.Can cool things down when it's
too hot.
Tests :
1.Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. 2.Turns green when
placed beside a better specimen.
Caution :
1.Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2.Illegal to possess more than one.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------
So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely,
so he asked God for a companion. God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook
and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She
will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost you
an arm and a leg, though."
Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------
A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute... The feminist was argueing over the
different pay scales that her women were receiving... Fem: Okay, why are women paid
less than men for doing the same job that a man does.
Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men. Fem: Where does it say
that? I don't think so. Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct?
Fem: Yeah, so?
Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------
A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, "I sure
wish I had bigger tits."
The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them. The woman
looked at him and asked, "Toilet paper, what will that do?" The man said, "I don't know,
but look what it's done for your ass."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 5 =--------------------------------------
"I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaving, smart and rich." the bachelor said.
"Oh, well, then you have to get married four times."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 6 =--------------------------------------
A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show. The DJ asked
the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation. The
transexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hur
t too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt
too much either...." "Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?" "Hell
no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my he
ad and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 7 =--------------------------------------
What's the definition of a perfect woman?
1.Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint
of beer on it.
2.The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in. 3.The economy model fucks
all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 8 =--------------------------------------
Here's a good putdown line for women:
A man walks up and says haven't we met before? Say yes, I'm <insert your name here>,
the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 9 =--------------------------------------
One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting
by himself. "Where's Eve?" He asked. "Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This
happens every month or so." "So where is she?" asked God.
"Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam. "Damn," said God. "Now
I'll never get the smell out of the fish."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 10 =--------------------------------------
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women
of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better.
Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right EB104: Why It Is
Unacceptable To T
alk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company EB105: If You Want To Know How
That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend GE103:
Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your
Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In
One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His
Slop
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself HE106: How To Close The Garage
Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste HE108: How to Drive a Nail
Without Breaking One HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You
Have, Anyway?")
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness IR102: If You Don't
Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point
Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About
As Much As Wo
men Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce
Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You
Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around LS103:
Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right LS104: Comprehending Credit
Card Spending Limits And F
inancial Responsibility LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours LS106: How
To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia LS107: Living Without
Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank LS108: How To Retain Your Composure
While Your Husband Is R
elaxing By Himself LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving LS112: How To
Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause LS113: How To Parallel
Park
Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex
And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester:
It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes" SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That
Keeps On Giving SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly
called "Any Old Port In A Storm")
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 11 =--------------------------------------
And God Created The Woman
He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors: His chief
Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.
He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and comments.
The Carpenter says:
"Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out." God replies, "No I
like it that way, but thanks"
Then the Tailor says:
"Too many strings (hair) stickin
le space.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 13 =--------------------------------------
How To Translate Womenspeak
When She Says
------------No.
Of course I'm not upset.
She Really Means
---------------Yes.
Of course I'm upset, you moron!
I might as well tell you. Bob and I Bob and I are having sex. are seeing each other.
I feel like I've known you my whole I'm drunk. life.
Will you respect me in the morning? You won't tell your friends, will you?
I never do this on my first date.
Don't touch me there.
I always do this on my first date.
Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you
the first few times.
You're...so manly.
You need to shave and you sweat a lot.
Hello? Oh yes. Didn't we meet at I've been waiting by the phone for three
the bar Friday night?
days.
Let's not talk "commitment". Let's I'm not taking any birth control pills. just see what
happens.
You're certainly lovely tonight. Is sex all you ever think about? I can't believe you're
here. It must I've been following you all day. be fate.
I'm particular about who I have sex I draw the line at barnyard animals. with.
I'm not emotional and I'm not over- I'm having my period. reacting.
Okay, but I hope you're not I'm flat chested. disappointed.
Want to come upstairs for a nightcap? Want to come upstairs and have sex?
C'mon...just come upstairs for a
drink.
I love a man who takes charge.
Be romantic...turn out the lights.
Maybe if I get you drunk you'll have
sex with me.
You're picking up the bill, aren't you?
I have flabby thighs.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 14 =--------------------------------------
A women described that one night, while she and her husband were making love, she
suddenly noticed something sticking in his ear. When she asked him what it was he
replied, "Be quiet, woman! I'm listening to the cricket."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 15 =--------------------------------------
It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with bad legs should
stick to long shirts because they cover a multitude of shins. It's not the initial skirt length,
it's the upcreep.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 16 =--------------------------------------
An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old
woman three wishes.
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became
young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. "Poof! She was
the richest woman in the world. For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for
years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. Af
ter all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into
the most handsome man on earth.
The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes. After the Fairy left, the handsome man
(old cat) strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 17 =--------------------------------------
A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops and starts get
you pretty worn out?"
"It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 18 =--------------------------------------
The women at one college called a would-be romeo a great natural athlete. He makes
every broad jump.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 19 =--------------------------------------
In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new Pillsbury Doughgirl
character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she couldn't come to work this
week because she had a yeast infection.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 20 =--------------------------------------
I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter,
"As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 21 =--------------------------------------
A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage,
a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 22 =--------------------------------------
An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was
named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and
told him: "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll teach you that you can't have your K
ate and Edith, too."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 23 =--------------------------------------
Bangkok, Thailand
A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the
carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses. "We have received a lot of complaints that
our air hostesses are not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling," Air Chief Marsh
al Kaset Rojananil said. In an interview published in "The Nation", the airline has been
hiring too many college-educated women, he said, adding, "Intelligent women tend not to
be good looking."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 24 =--------------------------------------
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I
haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your
willpower."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 25 =--------------------------------------
Bischoff, one of the leading anatomists of Europe, thrived in the 1870s. He carefully
measured brain weights, and after many years' accumulation of much data he observed
that the average weight of a man's brain was 1350 grams, that of a woman only 1250 g
rams. This at once, he argued, was infallible proof of the mental superiority of men over
women. Throughout his life, he defended this hypothesis with the conviction of a zealot.
Being the true scientist, he specified in his will that his own brain be ad
ded to his impressive collection. The postmortem examination elicited the interesting fact
that his own brain weighed only 1245 grams. - Scientific American [March 1992]
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 26 =--------------------------------------
Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-tocoast flight, a would-be Romeo asked, "What kind of man are you attracted to?"
"I've always been drawn to Native American men," she replied. "They're in harmony with
nature."
"I see," said the man, nodding.
"But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can rarely
resist the way Southern gentlemen treat their ladies with respect." "Please allow me to
introduce myself," said the man. "My name is Tecumseh Goldstein, but all my frien
ds call me Bubba."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 27 =--------------------------------------
A recent study has found that most women are wearing the wrong bra size. The nation's
average bra size has also been steadily increasing from 34B to 36C, on its way up to a
38C.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 28 =--------------------------------------
A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite
gets up in the air, it comes crashing down. After this goes on for awhile, his wife sticks
her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an
hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 29 =--------------------------------------
There are nine very important men in a woman's life. They are: Her Doctor; he says,
"Take your clothes off." Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?" Her Gardener; he
says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?" Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it
teased or blown?" Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering." Her
Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?" Her Banker; he says, "If you take
it
from work one evening when she saw a man trying to hitch a ride. She picked
him up and they got to talking. "What do you do?" she asked him.
"I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife." "Oh, does that mean you are
available?"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 32 =--------------------------------------
Most accidents happen at home!
And the men have to eat them.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 33 =--------------------------------------
(Reader advisory: sexist joke...)
An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy.
"Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary
to keep." To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank tel
ling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the
honesty test.) The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50
and returns the extra $50 to the manager. The second secretary goes to t
he bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as
proof. The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to
the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to t
he manager and gives him the all the money.
Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain? Answer: The one with the
biggest tits!
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 34 =--------------------------------------
I think it was in Britain where a billboard advertising a car read: "If this car was a
woman, she'd get pinched in the butt."
Underneath which a graffiti read:
"If this woman was a car, she'd run you over."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 35 =--------------------------------------
My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really points
up some of the differences between the sexes. We were watching CNN's Technology
program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on. Looking at
t
he all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never
catch on with women. I was puzzled by this, until she explained, "Every womens first
thought on seeing that helmet will be, 'I can't wear that. It will mess up my ha
ir!'"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 36 =--------------------------------------
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his
seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a
patriarchial society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pu
shes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is
insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my
stop already."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 37 =--------------------------------------
A few years ago, a male co-worker (call him John) decided to "officially become a
woman" with an operation soon to follow. I found this to be rather unusual and kept
trying to come up with reasons, some serious, some silly, why someone would want to do
t
his. Well, I found the silly ones to be rather amusing and made up a top ten list with
them.
Top Ten Reasons Why John Is Officially Becoming A Woman
10. Lower auto insurance premiums.
9. Easier to get job because of hiring quotas. 8. Cleaner restrooms.
7. Tired of boring men's fashions and wants something new and exciting. 6. Women live
longer.
5. Can get easily picked up in bars.
4. Really likes the guy next door but knows that he is not gay. 3. Failed to make the
_MEN'S_ U.S. Olympic Ski Team. 2. Wants to be an assistant to Clarence Thomas to
find out if "it's really true".
And the number 1 reason why John is officially becoming a woman:
1.PMS - An Incredible Sensory Experience!!!
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 38 =--------------------------------------
From the "Daily Collegian"
Trenton NJ - As any woman who's had to use the bathroom while attending anything
from the theater to a sporting event knows, the line for the ladies room is overwhelmingly
longer than that for the men. But "potty parity" will be the law of the land in th
e Garden State if Assemblyman Jeff Warsh has his way.
Warsh, R-Middlesex, introduced a bill yesterday requiring that the number of women's
toilets in some public places be more than twice that available for men. Warsh cited a
1987-88 study done by Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University, which f
ound it took women, on average, twice as long to use the bathroom as men: almost 3
minutes for women, compared to 83.6 seconds for men. "I think I'll get subjected to some
ribbing, some plumbing humor," Warsh said of his push for the bill, but he feels i
t is a matter of fairness.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 39 =--------------------------------------
50 Facts About Women
1.Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually
in control.
2.Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother
pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game. 3.Women never have anything to wear.
Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4.Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5.Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you
into feeling guilty.
6.Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they
have nothing to say. 7.Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.
That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful. 8
.Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men
and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with
them fulfills the emotional need. 9.Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need
a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't
view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might
be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't
need toys if women had an "on/off" switch. 14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.
After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows
them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible
things *could* be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear
some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she
doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day. 18. Women brush thei
r hair *before* bed. 19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty
good idea about how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling. 21. Women are
*never* wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm,
who was it that gave Adam the apple? 22. Women do *not* know anything about cars.
"Oi
l-stick, oil doesn't stick?" 23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and
red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. 24. The average number of items in a
typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of t
hese items. 25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks,
and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer
the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 28. Women will drive miles out of their way to
avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' 31. PMS
stands
ithout turning the map to
correspond to the direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women
always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to
gain.
39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start
up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?" 40. Only women understand the reason
for "guest towels" and the "good china". 41. Women want equal rights, but you
rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go
with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet,
taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
42. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china". 43. If a
man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which
warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly
gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt
leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead
of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. 45. Women can get out of spee
ding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the
contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do
you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay. 48. It's okay for women to dance
with each other and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend
more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other
men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
50. The most embarrissing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same
dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man
wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
•AJ Saqfalhait
-----------------------------------------------------------------------== RIDDLES ABOUT WOMEN
========================================================= -=
riddles about women =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny, OKAY!?!
or
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to suck my dick. or
Three. One to do it and the others to consider unscrewing it before it's a third of the way
in.
or
Four. One to do it and the rest to consider the sexual implications. or
Five. One to change the bulb, one to complain that the bulb is violating the socket, one to
secretly wish she were the socket, one to secretly wish she were the bulb, while the last
one gets all charged up and turned on watching the others.
or
Six. One to change it and five to wring their hands and agonize about how oppressed the
socket is.
or
Seventy. One to change it while the others make a 69.
Why did it take 4 women with PMS to change a light bulb? It just did okay!!!!!
-= riddles about women =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------
Why won't feminists use Unix?
There aren't any woman pages.
-= riddles about women =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------
How do you know if a ship is being captained by a feminist? If the ship starts to sink, she
shouts out, "Women the lifeboats!!" and then she orders all of the ship's toilet seats nailed
down to stop any incoming water.
-= riddles about women =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to wallpaper a feminist's house? Only four if you slice them
thin enough.
-= riddles about women =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists wouldn't breed.
-= riddles about women =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------
How do you know God isn't a woman?
If God were a woman, cum would taste like chocolate!
-= riddles about women =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------
Why did God give woman nipples?
To make suckers out of men.
-= riddles about women =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------
What is a Femi-nazi?
A women that won't sleep with Rush Limbutt.
-= riddles about women =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A snowman is easier to make,
'cause with a snowwoman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow
into balls to make her large breasts!
-= riddles about women =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman? Lipstick.
-= riddles about women =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a terrorist and a PMS woman? You can negotiate with the
terrorist.
-= riddles about women =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------
How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks
on the cap.
-= riddles about women =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
-= riddles about women =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!
-= riddles about women =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
She's a woman.
-= riddles about women =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------
How do you blind a woman?
Put a windshield in front of her face.
-= riddles about women =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to do the washing? None, it's a woman's job.
How many men does it take to clean a toilet? None. That's women's work!
-= riddles about women =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
-= riddles about women =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------
What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
-= riddles about women =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
-= riddles about women =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------
What is the the fleshy mass surrounding the vagina called? The woman.
-= riddles about women =-= 22 =-----------------------------------------------
Why do women change their minds so often? To keep them clean.
-= riddles about women =-= 23 =-----------------------------------------------
Why do women pay so much attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
-= riddles about women =-= 24 =-----------------------------------------------
Why do women play with their hair at traffic lights? Because they don't have any balls to
scratch. or
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don't
have any balls to scratch.
-= riddles about women =-= 25 =-----------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer will not laugh at a
three-and-a-half-inch floppy.
-= riddles about women =-= 26 =-----------------------------------------------
How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm? Her husband wakes up.
-= riddles about women =-= 27 =-----------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he
could tell anybody.
-= riddles about women =-= 28 =-----------------------------------------------
When don't most women ever tell their husbands when they're really enjoying sex?
Because their husbands are never there when it happens!
-= riddles about women =-= 29 =-----------------------------------------------
Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most? "I'll fix it."
-= riddles about women =-= 30 =--------------------------------!!
-= riddles about women =-= 33 =-----------------------------------------------
What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards? She gets her ass chewed out.
-= riddles about women =-= 34 =-----------------------------------------------
Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex? Because no woman ever wants
to see a man enjoying himself!
-= riddles about women =-= 35 =-----------------------------------------------
How does the single woman get rid of roaches? She asks them for a commitment.
-= riddles about women =-= 36 =-----------------------------------------------
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Slap the bitch.
-= riddles about women =-= 37 =-----------------------------------------------
Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------== QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS ABOUT WOMEN
=========================================== -= quotes and one-liners
about women =-= 1 =---------------------------------
Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, they'd be intolerable. - Ed Abbey
In everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men. - Ed Abbey
Girls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough. - Edward Abbey
Women who love only women may have a good point. - Edward Abbey
Women: We cannot love them all. But we must try. - Edward Abbey
The feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. - Edward Abbey
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 2 =---------------------------------
Woman: A creature whom a man can't get along with or without. Animal usually living
in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. Ambrose Bierce
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 3 =---------------------------------
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 4 =---------------------------------
Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them.
•Dan Fielding (from the "Night Court" television series)
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 5 =---------------------------------
The great question... Which I have not been able to answer...is, "What does a woman
want?" - Freud
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 6 =---------------------------------
Women are one of the Almighty's enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they
do. - Ellen Glasglow
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 7 =---------------------------------
Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. Dr. Johnson
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 8 =---------------------------------
Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is
simply a good excuse not to play football. - Fran Lebowitz
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 9 =---------------------------------
It's so hard for women, even nice women, to realize that their bodies are not irresistible. Philip Marlowe "The Big Sleep" (1939) a novel by Raymond Chandler
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 10 =---------------------------------
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. - Groucho
Marx
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 11 =---------------------------------
Men always want to please women, but these last 15 years, women have been hard to
please. If you want to resist the feminist movement, the simple way to do it is to give
them what they want and they'll defeat themselves. Today, you've got endless women i
n their 20s and 30s who don't know if they want to be a mother, have lunch, or be
secretary of state. - actor Jack Nicholson, sharing his analysis of the "battle between the
sexes"
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 12 =---------------------------------
There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in
women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L Convertible. - P.J. O'Rourke
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 13 =---------------------------------
Did you know that woman speaks eighteen languages? ... And can't say 'no' in any of
them. - Dorothy Parker
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 14 =---------------------------------
Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave
their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become
lesbians. - Pat Robertson
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 15 =---------------------------------
Women's magazines always seem to me to be instructing aliens on how to act like
women. It's as though the people reading know nothing: what to wear at a picnic, what to
eat when you get to the picnic. It's for pods who want to impersonate humans. On the
other hand, there's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a
lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm
doing, just show me somebody naked."
•comic Jerry Seinfeld, in Esquire
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 16 =---------------------------------
I think that maybe if women and children were in charge, we would get somewhere.
•James Thurber
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 17 =---------------------------------
A lady is a woman who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 18 =---------------------------------
A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants, but a woman has some
very special weapons of her own.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 19 =---------------------------------
Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 20 =---------------------------------
Feminists are okay, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 21 =---------------------------------
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 22 =---------------------------------
Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 23 =---------------------------------
One of the ironies of life is that it's usually the warm girls, not the cold ones, who get the
fur coats.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 24 =---------------------------------
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 25 =---------------------------------
Women do not snore, fart, or belch; therefore, they must bitch or else they will blow up.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 26 =---------------------------------
Women who think they are the equal of men, lack ambition.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------== RELATIONSHIPS
===============================================================
-= relationships =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Laws On Love and Sex
"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy." "I won't come in your mouth, I
promise." "I'm not really married."
"It's only a cold sore."
"Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality." "Size isn't important."
"This won't hurt, I promise."
"We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other." "We'll always
be together."
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. A man in the house
is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman
never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. Abstain fr
om wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince,
you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only
with the best.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. If it seems too good to be true, it probably
is. If the effort that went in
the apple
on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Love comes in spurts.
Love is a hole in the heart.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one
man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught. Money can't buy love, but it sure g
ets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or
rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman who's got
more troubles than you. Never say no.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite
the same again.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
Nothing improves with age.
One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably
think you remind them of someone else.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. Sex
discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its
full meaning.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sex is like
snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to
last.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your
wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love
someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a
man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The
love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail l
ong enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman
is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a
woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
The younger the better.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no
remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things
worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a man's wife
learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one
month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone
with the opposite body temperature.
and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!
-= relationships =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live
next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine Hepburn
-= relationships =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------
Clearly it is not the lovelorn sufferer who seeks solace in chocolate, but rather the
chocolate-deprived individual, who, desperate, seeks in mere love a pale approximation
of bittersweet euphoria.
•Sandra Boynton "Chocolate - The Consuming Passion"
-= relationships =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------
The 9 Types of Relationships
(from Matt Groening's very funny "Love Is Hell" 1985 Pantheon Books; buy it!)
Woman + Wimpy
She: "How many times have I told you not to cringe?" He: "312?"
Advantages: Symbiotic; plus maybe she'll get laryngitis and shut up. Drawbacks:
Permanent laryngitis unlikely.
Brute + Jumpy
He: "Me and her get along just fine."
She: "I think I'll have a little drink now." Advantages: Won't last.
Drawbacks: Next relationship will be just the same.
Look-Gooders
He: "Ciao, darlin."
She: (kiss noise)
Advantages: These young professionals look great together. Drawbacks: They couldn't
care less about each other.
Sourballs vs. The World
He: "Can you believe this garbage on TV?" She: "Goddamned re-runs."
Advantages: Smug cheerlessness.
Drawbacks: Cheerless smugness.
I'm With Stupid X 2
He: "Where's the beef?"
She: "Tee Hee Hee"
Advantages: They know oodles of jokes.
Drawbacks: They will tell them.
Mr. And Mrs. Boredom
He: "Honeybuns, do you ever wonder if maybe there's more to life than the two of us just
sitting here night after night?" She: "Nope."
Advantages: Warm, comfy, snoozy.
Drawbacks: Insipid nicknames.
Jolly Jugular Jabbers
He: "I love that little idiot, ha ha. Heh heh." She: "He's not as stupid as he looks, ho ho.
Hee hee." Advantages: Smiles galore.
Drawbacks: Cruel nicknames.
Cobra + Mongoose
He: "Grrrr"
She: "Grrrr"
Advantages: The thrill of victory.
Drawbacks: The agony of a toaster hurled at your face.
Love Bunnies
He: "I wuv you"
She: "I wuv you too"
Advantages: Bliss, intimacy, joy, satisfaction, fulfillment. Drawbacks: Sickening, isn't it?
-= relationships =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------------
The 9 Types of Boyfriends
(from Matt Groening's very funny "Love Is Hell" 1985 Pantheon Books; buy it!)
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice
Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts. Drawbacks: Irritatingly compassionate,
wimpy.
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and
watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable.
Drawbacks: Royal pain in the ass.
Flinchy - "I...I'm sorry. For whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff,
Hey you. Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled. Drawbacks: Easily spooked;
surrenders without a struggle.
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus,
Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb. Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled. Drawbacks:
Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.
Advantages: Well rested; easy target.
Drawbacks: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch. Advantages: May
feel pangs of guilt.
Drawbacks: May be having time of his life.
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster. Advantages:
Perpetually aroused.
Drawbacks: Perpetually aroused.
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but -" Also
known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool. Advantages: Tells
good stories.
Drawbacks: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus".
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in
my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer. Drawbacks: Hunted to extinction.
-= relationships =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------------
The 9 Types of Girlfriends
(from Matt Groening's very funny "Love Is Hell" 1985 Pantheon Books; buy it!)
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have" Also
known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat. Advantages:
Cheerful, agreeable, kindly. Drawbacks: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't
you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag,
My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell. Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Drawbacks: Screeches, throws frying pans.
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite." Also known as:
Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
Advantages: Predictable.
Drawbacks: Contagious.
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job.
Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge,
Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom. Advantages: Often right.
Drawbacks: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home,
and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey. Advantages: Easily
soothed.
Drawbacks: Even more easily perturbed.
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front
lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena,
passed out. Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Drawbacks: Unrelia
ble; drives off cliffs.
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also
known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you. Drawbacks: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our
relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable. Drawbacks: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome
genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now." Also known
as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous. Advantages: Funny, intelligent
uninhibited. Drawbacks: Will have nothing to do with you.
-= relationships =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------------
When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are
crockpots.
-= relationships =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------------
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases
by exponential progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife,
(3) a better looking and richer male friend.
-= relationships =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------------
Simply Put...Women Speak In Estrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone...
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours
of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time
when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a
woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will w
rite a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on
a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life,
and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. B
ut I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate
You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once.
There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; al
as, these classes rarely prove effective.
Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was
wrong was General George Custer.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a
bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the
typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the
se items.
Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have
long lines.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art
equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak
Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.
Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an
episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they
will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favor
ite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he
is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Directions:
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop
at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men
will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hou
rs, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I
know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the
phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even
though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will
actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocke
t calculators.
Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for
many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they
build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Going Out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman
says she is ready to go out, it means she **will** be ready to go out, as soon as she finds
her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these
things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then
he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on
Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less
lane.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chickenscratch. Women
use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use
ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to re
ad a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the
end of the note.
Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring
and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he
owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt
inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
Leg Warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is
allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only
wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus
Line
."
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They
exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do,
and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room
- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and
they never lie.
Low Blows:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is
felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans
and doubles over, and actually *feels* the pain.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also
feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of
art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter
from women.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies
after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional,
psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies
with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviato
r glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a
Porsche.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous;
they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows,
toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
Moustaches:
Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with moustaches.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because most
movies in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has
ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men ha
te him.
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the
first time in "Gone With the Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit
in May Clark's face in "Public Enemy".
Nicknames:
With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate
Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah,
and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deb
orah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and
secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living
in the ho
use.
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the
plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting
into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election n
ight.
Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social
lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never
met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of
the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was
just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
This difference may be due to the fact that women don't have to hold their genitals in the
bathroom, which might make one feel self-conscious. Not having this problem, women
can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering their noses". And yes, they are
talking about men in their chats. Another theory is that when women "powder their
noses", all they have to do is sit there. What else is there for them to do but talk to other
women. Men, however, must be much more attentive to such matters. If a male t
urns too much to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe. Men must be very serious
and patient because heaven only knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change
direction. And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess moisture unless
he soils his underwear. And unlike women, there is no tissue paper nearby with which to
wipe. A man must use his own skills at "towel snapping" to do the job. But no man wants
to shake it forever because he might look like he's playing with himself. The
shaking routine also varies culturally as most men in the U.K. are 'pullers' as opposed to
'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a man shakes or pulls, chances are still good
that he'll get that little dribble down the leg, which will expand to the s
ize of Lake Ontario if he is wearing synthetics. After the shaking or pulling comes the
tucking-it-all-back-in routine, where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the
path of the approaching zipper. As the men are all leaving the restroom, tr
ying to button up their Levi's, they are still trying not to look as if they're playing with
themselves. For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter. You wouldn't
gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you? For the male, there are als
o the considerations like seeing how far up the trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette
butt, peeling off the killer fart that he didn't want to loose off at the bar and, his favorite,
making that grunt/sigh noise as the first gush lets go, sort of a "N
nnngwwwwwaaaaa". Actually, that's about the time the first fart goes too.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere
because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only
married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men
consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on
Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a
woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick
them
off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange
socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that
have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Sports Arenas:
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women
usually end up following men.
Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short
messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks , and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose
interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys
simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's to
ys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers,
small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps,
and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. However, the only toys
women still keep around when they grow up still require batteries, only few in number
and smaller in size.
Underwear:
Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear.
There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about
"the bachelor party".
-= relationships =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------
Matrimony Made Easy
This is not a joke. And "How to Marry the Man of Your Choice" (Matrimonial Press
Report) is not a jokebook. At $95, this 167-page textbook, written by Margaret Kent, an
attorney from Key Biscayne, Florida, is subtitled "The Marriage Manual for Single Wom
en." It tells us, "This book will teach you how to determine what a man really wants in a
wife... Consider all men living laboratories and test the results for yourself... Start with
lesser men for training." For those of you who can't afford the 95 buck
s (never mind the $1295 for the course the book accompanies), here are a few things
women don't tell men.
On Appearance
Excessive use of perfume makes a woman less desirable. Perfumes are manufactured
from fragrances of herbs, flowers, and other substances that are put into some medium
that is strong enough to hold the odor. That medium is often ambergris...a secretion fr
om the intestines of the sperm whale. In other words, you and your man may smell the
odor of whale puke instead of enjoying the fragrance of flowers or herbs.
Cleanliness is especially important. If a woman uses enough soap and has that clean,
fresh look that a recent shower gives, she could wear a potato sack and still be desirable
for her male.
T-shirts are great. It doesn't take much male imagination to know that in less than five
seconds, they are off over your head. Food particles between the teeth, especially the
front teeth, are highly undesirable.
On Dating
If you need to pass gas (fart), excuse yourself from his presence. Try not to destroy
illusions by unpleasant odors. If you need to pass gas, face him. If you must chew gum
and smoke, do not do both at the same time. Eat the food on your plate only. Leav
e his food for him. Be a bitch, not a nag... Bitchy females get the men. Don't pay much
attention to the anger your man expresses before dinner. He is hungry and everything
bothers him.
Gourmet cooking is not required for most men. However, most women would do better in
attracting a man if they devoted a fraction of the time they spent in learning bedroom
techniques to learning kitchen techniques.
On Sex
Never deny sex, because that dooms any ideas of his marrying you. Don't expect him to
sleep on crumpled or wet sheets. If necessary, you should sleep on the wet spot.
Do not ridicule the size of his penis or make unfavorable comparisons to other males.
If you are overweight, it may be best if you avoid pressing down on him when you are on
top.
A typical male will lay almost any female if there are no repercussions. Always play it
safe sexually by consenting only to acts that are generally acceptable. Place the burden of
deviation upon him. One step you can take to enhance a sexual encounter is
to evoke some anger in your male, but not furor, before sex.
After sex, the male is exhausted and has no immediate need of you as a female... After
intercourse, the man will have little energy left. Be prepared to revive him with coffee,
sweets, and appetizing snacks. If the relationship continues to be nonsexual
after an extended period of time, the man may not be normal.
If a man suffers from premature ejaculation, just make him prolong satisfaction slightly
so he holds out an extra moment. Let us say it takes him a minute to satisfy... Bet him
that the next time you have sex, he will satisfy in a minute and a half.
Prepare yourself emotionally for the sex act by fancying yourself in the presence of a
surrogate partner you have longed for in the past. If you have fired up your imagination
to a climactic state, your man can easily satisfy you.
Virginity is looked upon favorably by some religious fanatics, recent immigrants from
tradition-bound societies, and men who have never had sex. The typical male views
virginity in the mature female as a curse, not a blessing. If an adult woman tells her
male that she is a virgin, he is likely to wonder why no man has wanted her before.
On Things Women Know About Men
Men love to tell their stories! They love to tell about themselves to a point that they
become boring.
Anticipation conditions a conventional male, who was on the losing side of the
revolution, into believing he will receive something of great value in the initial and
subsequent sexual acts.
If we tell our males at six P.M. that we are lovely, they may have the mental energy to
fight off this idea... If your male is particularly tired and exhausted, he is especially
susceptible to your suggestions. His exhaustion is especially useful for imp
lanting the ideas of your worth, especially that you are lovely, good, desirable, and would
be the perfect wife.
-= relationships =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------------
Little Kids Talk About Love
Concerning why love happens between two particular people...
One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too. Andrew, age 6
No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell.
That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. - Mae, age 9 I think you're supposed to
get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so
painful. - Manuel, age 8
On what falling in love is like...
Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. - John, age 9 If falling in love is
anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. - Glenn, age 7
On the role of beauty and handsomeness in love...
If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to
be beautiful. - Anita C., age 8 It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm
handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. - Brian, age 7 B
eauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. - Christine, age 9
Reflections on the nature of love...
Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too. - Greg, age
8
How do people in love typically behave?
Mooshy...like puppy dogs...except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much. Arnold, age 10
All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark. - Sherm,
age 8
Concerning why lovers often hold hands...
They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them.
- Gavin, age 8
They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do
the holy matchimony thing. - John, age 9
Confidential opinions about love...
I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television. - Jill,
age 6
Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime. - Floyd, age 9 Yesterday I kissed a girl
in a private place... We were behind a tree. - Carey, age 7
Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it
since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. - Dave, age 8 I'm not rushing into being in
love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough.
•Regina, age 10
The personal qualities you need to have in order to be a good lover...
Sensitivity don't hurt. - Robbie, age 8 One of you should know how to write a check.
Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. - Ava, age 8
Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you...
Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. - Del, age 6 Yell out that you love
them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there. - Manuel,
age 8 Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get at
tention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. - Alonzo, age 9 One way is to take the
girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for
me. - Bart, age 9
How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in love?
Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. - Bobby,
age 9
Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold... Other people care
more about the food. - Bart, age 9 Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they
are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just br
oke up. - Sarah, age 9 See if the man has lipstick on his face. - Sandra, age 7 It's love if
they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just
like how their hearts are, on fire. - Christine, age 9
Titles of the love ballads you can sing to your beloved...
'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?' - Arnold, age 10 'You
Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.' - Larry, age 8 'I Love
Hamburgers, I Like You!' - Eddie, age 6 'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but
Don't Bother
Me When I'm with My Friends.' - Bob, age 9
'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!' - Will, age 7
What most people are thinking when they say "I love you"...
The person is thinking 'Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a
day.' - Michelle, age 9 Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they
finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat. - Dick, age 7
How was kissing invented?
I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they
didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses. - Gina, age 8
How a person learns to kiss...
You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls. - Julia, age 7 You learn it
right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.
•Brian, age 7 It might help to watch soap operas all day. - Carin, age 9
When is it okay to kiss someone?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped
doing it. - Tammy, age 10 If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new
person, you have to ask permission. - Roger, age 6
How to make love endure...
Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. - Dick, age 7 Don't forget your
wife's name. That will mess up the love. - Erin, age 8 Be a good kisser. It might make
your wife forget that you never take out the trash. - Dave, age 8
Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what
movie you want to watch. - Natalie, age 9
A youngster's explanation of what mixed emotions mean when love ceases...
It's like watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your desk. Steven, age 11
-= relationships =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------------
The Rules (*)
For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every
relationship.
1.The female always makes the rules. 2.These rules are subject to change at any time
without prior notification. 3.No male can possibly know all the rules. 4.If the female
suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or al
l of the rules. 5.The female is never wrong. 6.If the female is wrong, it is because of a
vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did
wrong. 7.If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for caus
ing the misunderstanding. 8.The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9.The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.
10.The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11.The male must r
emain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12.The female
must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry
or upset. 13.Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm. 1
4.The female always gets the last word!
(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are null and void
under the PMS Exception Law
-= relationships =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------------
Is It Love Or Infatuation?
By Ann Landers
Infatuation is instant desire, one set of glands calling to another. Love is friendship that
has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not
genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces
about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might
spoil the dream.
Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives
you strength and grows beyond you, to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by their
presence, even when they are away. Miles do not separate you. You have so many
wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know
they are yours, and you can wait. Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I
can't risk losing them." Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future
with confidence." Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are
together, you hope it will end in intimacy.
Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship, which makes sex so much
sweeter. You must be friends before you can be lovers. Infatuation lacks confidence.
When they're away, you wonder if they're cheating. Sometimes, you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. They feel your trust, and it
makes them even more trustworthy. Infatuation might lead you to do things you will
regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.
Love is an upper. It makes you feel whole. It completes the circle. It fills the empty space
in your heart. Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think
up. It makes you a better person than you were before. If you have lo
ve in your life, it can make up for a great many things you don't have. If there is no love
in your life, whatever else there is has a lot less meaning.
-= relationships =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------------
O'Riordan's Theorem: Brains x Beauty = Constant
Purmal's Corollary:
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes to zero.
-= relationships =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------------
Son, all the beautiful, intelligent, healthy young women are taken. It's a basic law of the
universe, and if you don't like it, go somewhere else. - Ken Johnson's
(krj@festival.ed.ac.uk) dad, 1906-1992
-= relationships =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------------
If life were fair, the acquisition of a large bosom or a massive inheritance would have no
bearing on your ability to attract the opposite sex, and Dan Quayle would be making a
living asking runny-nosed children, "Do you want fries with that?" - John Cle
ese
-= relationships =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------------
Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed.
Imagine the revelation... She: Get off of me, will ya!!
He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you? She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying
me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?
-= relationships =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------------
This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making
any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally, he gets up his courage and takes
her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipp
er and guides her hand onto his penis. "No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't
smoke."
-= relationships =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------------
"So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?" asked the interviewer. "And
how, if I may be so bold to inquire?" "Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the
women on another." replied Paddy.
"And what would they be doing then?" "Building boats!"
-= relationships =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------------
How To Locate Studs
The most secure way to attach just about anything to a wall is to fasten it to the studs. To
find framing members buried behind a drywall or plaster surface, try one or a
combination of these strategies. Start your search in the center of a wall, because
studs there are uniformly spaced. Once you've located one, measure 16 inches in each
direction and see if you can verify more studs. Look For Visual Clues. Baseboards (but
not shoe moldings) are typically nailed into studs, and electrical receptacles ar
e usually attached to one side of a stud or the other, which you can check by removing
the cover. Bore A Small Hole And Probe. Feed a stiff wire, such as a straightened coat
hanger, into th cavity and probe to one side. When it stops at a stud, bend the
wire at the hole, withdraw it, and use it as a gauge to mark the stud's location on the face
of the wall.
Use An Electronic Stud Finder. Move one of these inexpensive devices along a wall and
it will sense the difference in density between where the wall is backed by a stud and
where there is empty space. This is the easiest and most accurate way to locate s
tuds.
(excerpted from "The Stanley Complete Step-By-Step Book Of Home Repair And
Improvement", page 147)
provided as a public service to the female dating community. ;-)
-= relationships =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------------
Woman-To-Woman Chat
Hey girls, never date a guy who always wears tight jeans. You should figure that if he can
wear tight jeans and still be comfortable, he doesn't have anything in them that would
interest you. Also, since I started dating, I have followed one of my mother
's quaint old sayings: "Don't pick that up! You don't know where it's been!" I also plan on
writing a screenplay about the men I've been out with, and call it "Dances With Wolves".
-= relationships =-= 22 =-----------------------------------------------------
Why is going to a singles bar like being a matador? You have to dodge a lot of bull.
-= relationships =-= 23 =-----------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a singles bar and a circus? At the circus, the clowns don't
talk.
-= relationships =-= 24 =-----------------------------------------------------
Women don't make passes
at men who are asses.
-= relationships =-= 25 =-----------------------------------------------------
Men are sometimes more suspicious and distrustful of their mates in a relationship than
women. This distrust may have its origins very early in life during the circumcision when
the doctor leans over and says, "This won't hurt a bit, I promise!"
-= relationships =-= 26 =-----------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend and I were in a restaurant and this strikingly attractive woman in a short
black dress walked by.
My eyes couldn't help but follow her as she passed by our table. The girlfriend glared at
me and snapped, "So, do you want to date her??" To which I stuttered, "Ummmm...1968,
perhaps?"
-= relationships =-= 27 =-----------------------------------------------------
If you want to know why they are called the 'opposite sex', express an opinion!
-= relationships =-= 28 =-----------------------------------------------------
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered:
entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great
deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of af
fection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced
proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. - Miss Manners' Guide to
Excruciatingly
Correct Behaviour
-= relationships =-= 29 =-----------------------------------------------------
The Orange County Register (California newspaper) had an article entitled "Dates from
Hell". It featured letters from various people about their experiences. Here are a few
(names deleted):
The Restaurant Tirade
My date and I were drinking coffee and eating ice cream in a restaurant. I was enjoying
his extravagant compliments when I saw a snarling woman walk up behind him.
She addressed him for all to hear and he spun around. He made hasty, embarrassed
introductions. "Does your friend know you're engaged to be married?" she yelled. "How
would you like it if I pulled her long hair out by the roots?" she threatened. Her tira
de went on for 30 minutes. You may wonder why I let it go on for so long. Well, when
you're a senior citizen, you don't get this kind of excitement.
Shopping at Sears
I was not impressed when my date showed up in 100 percent polyester, including
outdated bell-bottoms that were checkered and much too short, revealing white socks and
slip-on, non-leather shoes. His car didn't look much better. I've never made it a point
to ask guys what kind of car they drive, but it's worth knowing if a car is safe to ride in.
His definitely wasn't. It was a huge, old "boat"-style car, rusted out and sporting a crack
in the windshield. Beneath my feet was a factory recall notice from
1968.
As we journeyed on, my only hope was that he would make it safely to the restaurant he
had chosen for me, one of his favorites, he said. He pulled into the parking lot of a place
known for its "blue plate specials" and rubbery quiche.
After that he treated me to a free concert, but we agreed the band was pretty bad. He
suggested we continue the evening by shopping at Sears for a bicycle he had seen in a
sale flier.
The Short-of-Change Artist
My date asked me to go with him and some friends to a Raiders game on one of those bus
package deals... The bus provided free beer in cans and he wanted me to smuggle several
cans into the coliseum. I gave him my jacket and said he could take the respons
ibility for smuggling. After the game, we emerged to a parking lot of about 10,000 buses
that looked alike. All 10,000 had their motors running, and we began walking through the
fumes looking for our bus. As we walked we came upon dozens of beer-filled m
en relieving themselves against the tires of the closely parked buses. Then, one by one,
those buses pulled away without us. Finally, it was just me and my date in a dark parking
lot in a strange neighborhood. We walked across the street to a liquor stor
e, where he went to the men's room again. Then he called a cab and I had to pay the $26
fare because he had no money.
Less than Fine Dining
At 5-foot-10 and 250 pounds, my date panted heavily after walking eight blocks to the
restaurant. It was a sports bar filled with shouting, swearing, drinking men watching a
Lakers-Celtics game. In the middle of eating our dinner, a fight erupted at the
next table. Food flew in the air and tables were turned over. It took several bouncers to
end the fight, which left one man with torn clothing and a broken nose. My date seemed
oblivious to the surroundings and couldn't understand why I wasn't eating. I
told him I felt sick and needed some air. I needed a long walk to recover from the
evening.
The Laundry List of Losers
A miserable date? Just one?
1.The man who claimed his sense of humor was his greatest asset and demonstrated it by
doing Groucho Marx imitations all through dinner at a fancy restaurant.
2.The man who said he saw a "daddy" when he looked in the mirror and asked (on the
first and only date) if I was ovulating. 3.The man who demanded a list of the "specific
skills and strengths" that I could bring to a relationship, as well as an analysis
of the "self-destructive patterns" that caused my divorce.
4.The man whose first words were "I'm sorry, I've got to concentrate on getting well
tonight" and who spent most of the evening stuffing Vicks Vaporub up his nose.
Self-realization and Sushi
After attending a religious ceremony at my date's "self-realization temple" and eating a
sushi dinner, we returned to my apartment for poetry reading. He had found many scraps
of paper buried in his battered car, which he admitted to sleeping in often. H
e insisted on reading all of them in his most dramatic voice.
After I had a few glasses of wine during his reading, I had the courage to show him some
of my poetry. He read one or two, tossed them aside and said, "I'll reserve judgement on
these."
He then began a lengthy tirade on the artistic soul and how it can feel any emotion,
whether it be male or female.
Then he wanted to select different music. He started going through my albums because,
he said, they were better than the tapes, which were made from those very same albums.
He became very upset when I told him the turntable didn't work. He told me that I
should take better care of my things. This harassment from a guy who sleeps in his car?
I finally got him out of my apartment after fighting off more than just a first-date kiss.
-= relationships =-= 30 =-----------------------------------------------------
Ways To Get Rid Of Blind Dates (And Other Social Catastrophes)
At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that
you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. Collect the salt shakers from
all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your
table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. Make funny faces at other patrons, then
sneer at their reactions. Repeat every third third word you say say. Give your claim to
fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. Stare at your date's neck,
and grind your teeth audibly. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't
know what they are talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make
airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use
linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female. Recite your dating
history. Improvise. Include pets. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your
date begins talking about themselves.
Sacrifice French fries to the great deity, Pomme. When ordering, inquire whether the
restaurant has any live food. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their
plate than they do.
Drool.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. Eat everything
on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for
another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date
finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?
!?"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you. Ask the people at the
neighboring table for food from their plates. Beg your date to tattoo your name on his/her
derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
Ask your date how much money they have with them. Order for your date. Order
something nasty. Communicate in mime the entire evening. Upon entering the restaurant,
ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all
exits,
and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick his/hers. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral
arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn. Auction your date off for silverware.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. Order a baked potato for a side dish.
When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter
for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato f
or you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal. Order beef
tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments. Get your date drunk. Talk about their
philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words arou
nd. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. Speak in pig latin
throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair
of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite. Bring 20
or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a
circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid,
senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. Take a thermos along, and hide it under
the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the
free refills. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a
similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one
poisoned it.
Accuse your date of espionage.
Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults. Don't use any verbs during the entire
meal. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill. Break wind
loudly. Add color commentary. Bow. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you
've brought along. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
-= relationships =-= 31 =-----------------------------------------------------
Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up
I showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I went home
before you arrived.
My dog died.
My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.
I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming over.
I overslept.
I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned
around, and went home.
I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had
such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our
date and went out to dinner with them.
I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.
Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex
there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I can't date you any more, but I'd
still like us to be friends.
My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.
-= relationships =-= 32 =-----------------------------------------------------
Excerpt from a magazine article on the origins of the kiss (source unknown):
The kiss as we know it today was invented by medieval knights for the purpose of
determining whether their wives had been tapping the "mead barrel" (drinking liquor)
while they were away on crusades." According to the book "A Kiss is Just a Kiss" by
Bruc
e Velick.
The stodgy Victorians frowned on almost anything that involved bodily contact. Social
kissing was considered unacceptable behavior in both England and the United States
during this era.
In Poland, a kiss on the hand was considered a sign of rebellion during 40 years of
Communist rule.
Today, social kissing carries different meanings for different cultures. By and large, of
course, it is still a gesture of greeting. "Every culture has to have a greeting ceremony,"
Tiger says, adding that animals have similar rituals. Male chimpanzees,
for instance, touch each other's testicles in greeting.
-= relationships =-= 33 =-----------------------------------------------------
Romantic Moments
Our lips touched....
Then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.
We spent most of the night together and I felt sad to go. I said goodbye for the 50th time
and slowly walked outside to get in my car and go home, this is when I found out that my
car had been towed.
I ran my fingers slowly down the crack of her ass. She shuddered and then said angrily,
"Don't you dare touch MY donkey again!"
I chased her up the tree, and kissed her between the limbs.
-= relationships =-= 34 =-----------------------------------------------------
Girl Talk
The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.
The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.
The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better,
and he will too.
The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.
The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you
told you were busy.
The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go
out with a fish?
The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.
The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail
party.
The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your
lover.
The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men
often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often
results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.
The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.
The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.
The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex,
the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.
-= relationships =-= 35 =-----------------------------------------------------
In June 1994, the Phoenix, Arizona "New Times" published an unidentified man's
detailed list of pros and cons about his two girlfriends, Brenda and Dominique, that had
been accidentally discarded in a magazine pocket on an Air Reno flight and which the n
ewspaper obtained. Despite Brenda's "Wealthy" and "Nice cars" versus Dominique's
"Chipping teeth" and "Cuts me down", Dominique appeared to have the upper hand on
the list, which was scrawled out on bookkeeping ledger sheets. Dominique had 18 pros
and co
ns, versus Brenda's 15 and 22, respectively, and "I love her" appeared No. 3 on
Dominique but only No. 15 under Brenda. Besides, Brenda's No. 9 con is "She's
married." ("Brenda" and "Dominique" are pseudonyms supplied by "New Times".)
-= relationships =-= 36 =-----------------------------------------------------
Answers To 5 Of The Toughest Questions Women Ask
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in
last April's issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are:
1.What are you thinking? 2.Do you love me? 3.Do I look fat? 4.Do you think she is
prettier than me? 5.What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a
major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say
dishonestly. For example:
1."What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I
was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful
woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really
thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
1.Baseball 2.Football 3.How fat you are. 4.How much prettier she is than you. 5.How he
would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al
Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to
know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2) "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be
more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
1.I suppose so. 2.Would it make you feel better if I said yes. 3.That depends on what you
mean by "love". 4.Does it matter? 5.Who, me? 6."Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No,
of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
1.I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. 2.Compared to what? 3.A
little extra weight looks good on you. 4.I've seen fatter. 5.Could you repeat the question?
I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4) "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so
hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident, or an actress in a movie you just saw. In
any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answer
s include:
1.Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. 2.I don't know how one goes about rating
such things. 3.Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. 4.Only in the sense that she's
younger and thinner. 5.Could you repeat the question? I was thinking abou
t your insurance policy.
5) "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to
have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first
Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question
of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely
upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely
hurt. "Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I
suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you
let her wear my old clothes? "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "R
eally," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace
them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to
her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
-= relationships =-= 37 =-----------------------------------------------------
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's my
girlfriend."
"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"
"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was
willing to spend on her education."
-= relationships =-= 38 =-----------------------------------------------------
Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks
her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious." "Well, my boyfriend just lost all his
money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."
-= relationships =-= 39 =-----------------------------------------------------
Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House
10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello. 9. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly. 8.
Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use
the bathroom.
7. Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready. 6. Ask what time you should return your
date tomorrow morning. 5. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks. 4. Ask the mom and dad
what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
3. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again. 2. Pretend to eat your arm.
1.Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.
-= relationships =-= 40 =-----------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date
10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and
top-notch graphics program.
9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages
about Satan.
8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.
7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.
6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.
5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.
4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys.
3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking
voice synthesizer.
2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly if the
system is on her lap.
1.When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a situation
like this?
-= relationships =-= 41 =-----------------------------------------------------
I'm Not Bitter Quiz-o-Rama
By Bart Schorsch (schorsch@plains.nodak.edu)
As many of you know, through recent events, I am a single man, once again. Since my
last few affairs of the heart have been flops (in much the same way as the Titanic was a
little flop), I have decided that in the future I shall be screening all of my fu
ture dates with this highly scientific quiz. Enclosed is a quiz I shall hand out to any future
dates. Also, I'm not bitter.
Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible. Bart will grade your
responses and get back to you.
1.A woman's place is in the:
1.House (or Senate) 2.Bedroom 3.Office 4.Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a
man's entrails out and leave it as food for wild jackals
2.When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
a) "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
b) "Material Girl"
c) "I Touch Myself"
d) Theme from "Psycho"
3) The perfect Christmas gift is:
1.Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear 2.Flowers, a backrub, bubble bath, and a
hand-written love sonnet 3.Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
4.Whips, knives and red-hot irons 5.A woman's hairstyle should: 6.Gently accentuate he
r best features 7.Not resemble a poodle 8.Hide the lobotomy scars 9.Cover the little "666"
on the back of the skull and not reveal the demonhorns
5) My personal role-model is:
1.Hillary Clinton 2.Ruth Bader-Ginsberg 3.Daisy Duke 4.Lorena Bobbit
6) When it comes to cars, I:
1.Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly. 2.<giggle> What's oil? 3.Think
fuzzy dice are _cool_! 4.Want a Mercedes... NOW!
7) If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:
1.Family 2.Pet rock 3.Therapist 4.Furniture
8) I have a subscription to:
1.Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal 2.Analog and Rolling Stone 3.National Enquirer
and T.V. Guide 4.Weekly Reader
9) I want to have ___ children.
1.Any number, as long as they are healthy 2.Some 3.Your 4.Well-dressed
10) My list of favorite authors include:
1.William Shakespeare 2.Maya Angelou 3.Chairman Mao 4.Marquis DeSade
11) A romantic evening is best spent:
1.Before a roaring fire 2.Having a candle-lit dinner 3.Country line dancing 4.Shopping
12) I want to date a(n):
1.Lawyer 2.Engineer 3.Crew-chief at the local JuffyLube 4.Anyone who owns a shoe
store
13) I really admire:
1.My parents, for bringing me up right 2.My teachers, for teaching me about life 3.The
makers of Velveeta 4.Zsa Zsa Gabor
14) What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
1.Massive chest 2.Tight buns 3.Tattoo collection 4.Credit cards
15) What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:
1.Sparkling wit 2.Open mind 3.Deep understanding of power tools 4.Huh?
16) I really get turned on when you:
1.Are with me 2.Kiss my neck 3.Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head 4.Do the dishes
17) I can't live without:
1.The support of friends 2.Oxygen 3.Entertainment Tonight 4.Makeup
18) If you were really depressed, I would:
1.Listen to your problems 2.Rub your back 3.Get you drunk 4.Laugh
19) My favorite television programs are:
1.NYPD Blue and Home Improvement 2.MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek: TNG 3.This
Week In Monster Truck Racing and AmericaUs Most Wanted 4.Lifestyles of the Cruel
and Unusual
20) My favorite pig out food is:
1.Low-fat yogurt 2.Haagen Dasz 3.Gummi worms 4.A man's still quivering heart
21) A man should know where I keep my:
1.House keys 2.Erogenous zones 3.Ear-wax remover 4.Guns
22) I would rather die a slow painful death than:
1.Betray a confidence 2.Betray my country 3.Miss "Wheel of Fortune" 4.Spend one more
minute with you
23) The most hellish,vile place on Earth is:
1.Bosnia-Herzegovina 2.Texas 3.Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable 4.Your
bedroom
24) The one phrase I would love to hear is:
1."Congratulations, Madame President" 2."Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"
3."Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!" 4."What we can't figure out is
how the arsenic got in his food in the first place."
25) If a man was to propose to me, I would:
1.Cry 2.Call my mother 3.Be pregnant 4.Giggle uncontrollably
Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the Relationship:
Helpmate or Saboteur"
Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.
-= relationships =-= 42 =-----------------------------------------------------
I was talking to my landlord one day. He is one of my fraternity brothers (alumni). He
was talking about an interesting thing that happened years ago. The story is as follows.
His friend was involved in a disastrous relationship with a girl. She was screwing around
behind his back. She wanted him to feel worthless one night. She desided to hook up with
the first guy she could find. She ended up with a football player. She star
ted to give him a blow job and requested that he take a picture of her sucking his dick. He
did what she asked. Later that week, she sent the photo of her and this guy to our hero in
this story. He did become pissed, and he got back at her brilliantly. H
e sent the photo to her parents.
-= relationships =-= 43 =-----------------------------------------------------
The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for
the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho.
Who Says Women Aren't Different?
I don't care what anybody says. In my age group, there are still several major differences
between men and women beyond the obvious ones. I'll leave others to fret over whether
those differences are natural or primarily a consequence of conditioning, but
differences do exist. They do not necessarily indicate male supremacy, but they do tend
to tilt one in that direction. Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged
women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to
go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty.
That's why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men. Women read more
boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with article
s on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange
eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to
work. Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill li
ttle animals.
When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don't. Indeed, most
female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one.
Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut themselves if they had a sharp knife.
And anyone with knives that lousy probably would. There is another difference between
male and female cooks. Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than
male cooks do with sharp knives. That's how infuriating female cooks can be. Most
women in my age group wear dresses occasionally. Only a few of my male friends do
and then only in the privacy of their own homes. The women hobble around on highheeled sh
oes. Most men would never do anything that silly. In fact, there is a name for the kind of
men who wear high heels. They are called cowboys.
Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and coats on 100-degree summer days. They
snicker at men for wearing more clothes than necessary in hot weather. However, the
women who do that are sweating in their pantyhose. Most women in my age group wear
makeup. Very few of the men do. There is a name for men who wear make-up. They are called
weird cowboys. Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers in restaurants, and to
complain thereafter that men always get better service than they do. Women fold thei
r underwear. Most men merely stuff their underwear into the drawer. Men use the time
they save to catch fish and kill little animals. Most women, when lost, will stop and ask
directions. Most men in my age group believe admitting you're lost will cast do
ubt on your manhood. That's why so many macho men are lost. Smarter men prove their
manhood by stopping and asking women for directions, even when they aren't lost. There
is another big difference between men and women in my age group. A competent man te
nds to rise through the ranks so easily that he eventually reaches a level where he is
incompetent. Dr. Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle.
Women in my age group tend to be held below the level of their competence, making
them embarrassing to work with because they tend to outshine male colleagues at the
same level.
This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck Principle. Incompetent men who have been
subjected to that humiliation retaliate by refusing to promote women. And rightly so. You
don't want people in the board room who don't shower each morning.
Copyright (C) 1983 by Lewiston Morning Tribune
-= relationships =-= 44 =-----------------------------------------------------
The Craft Of Intimacy
From an unknown net author
There is no truth that, in passing through awareness, does not lie. But one runs after it all
the same. - Jacques Lacan
Man makes plans, God laughs. - the Koran
For a moment, when we are born, we are open, brilliant, faithful, living our most essential
nature. Over time, through the common suffering of life, from having all too human
parents with all too human limitations, from the simple friction between the na
tural and social, we begin to withdraw. We hide the essential parts of ourselves and
present those which get us love and approval, or at least which limit the pain we face.
The issues and details vary, the intensity of the fall may be different. Each of
us fills our emptiness with a different dream. However, no one remains the pure openhearted child, unafraid of life, curious about experience.
We become separated from ourselves, we hide from each other, and we guard ourselves
from the world. The innocent intimacy of a child with it's mother, the wonder brought by
the first taste of strawberries is finally replaced by the sophistication and cyn
ical cool (or passionate fear) of anything we can not control. All inner work, whether in
the context of psychotherapy or in the countless spiritual traditions, seeks in one way or
another to address the state of separation, the tear in the essential fab
ric, the loss of faith in the natural support of the world and the compassion and generosity
of those we spend our lives with.
The challenges and knowledge and skills required to become ourselves are no different
than the challenges of love or marriage or the raising of children. Over time, you come to
see that your life is your life; that who we are is a beginning point for who
we become. We do not become different. We become ourselves. Without some taste of
ourselves to begin with, we are lost when we seek intimacy, we are lost when we fall in
love. We want to be loved, we want to love and have that love returned in kind. We
hold as true two mutually exclusive beliefs. First, that we deserve the love we want, the
love objects we crave; in exchange for our simply being 'ourselves' or more accurately,
what we imagine ourselves to be. It is an entitlement, a Godgiven inalienabl
e right. Second, the modern equivalent of original sin, that love is always just out of
reach, never quite deserved, never quite earned. That however hard we try, the profound
peace of love will elude us. The thesis here is that all too little care goes
into understanding the realities of romantic love, that the actuality of love is obscured by
the mythos that surrounds love in this culture. Further, that a clear understanding of these
realities will lead to changes in our vision, beliefs, values and be
havior.
The conventional and stereotypical notions held by both men and women regarding what
it is to be a man or a woman, regarding relationship, intimacy, sex, and marriage,
reinforced by childhood experience, social mores, mass media, and simple ignorance are
often dysfunctional and unrealistic. There is no preexisting one-size-fits-all ready to
wear pattern for being an authentic person, for being a 'real' man or woman, for living a
satisfying life, for romantic love, or for intimacy. These must be discover
ed, uniquely crafted by each individual and by each couple according to their own nature,
their own view, their own vision of life and love.
People, all people, are unique. In their fundamental humanness, men and women are no
different. They must be discovered, explored, cherished for who they are. They blossom
when treated with respect, curiosity, and compassion. For those people willing and
able to sacrifice their fixed ideas and preconceptions, their egotism be that egotism in the
form of grandiosity or in self denial; love and intimacy are inevitable.
To explore this broad domain requires insights on two related domains. The first relates
to the externalities and include the population dynamics, the ethnology, biology,
ethology, cultural values, mechanics, strategies, wiles, appearance, resources, etc
., related to finding a lover, and to creating and sustaining love.
The second can be framed in a variety of ways. What does love objectively require? As
distinct from infantile fantasy and adolescent narcissistic dreams, what does it take to
become the kind of person capable of offering, creating, sustaining and accepti
ng love, intimacy, pleasure, openness...capable of living with passion and an open heart
in the world of form complete with TV commercials, traffic jams, beautiful sunrises, and
dreadful politicians? These two issues are inextricably linked. In part by t
he nature of life on this planet. Partly because however conscious one is (that is:
emotionally, psychologically, intellectually and spiritually developed) one becomes less
than enlightened where survival, reproduction, and pleasure cross paths. This is
the realm where desire flames highest, where instinct and society are inherently at odds.
A lost promised land of priceless wonder.
Those who triumph, compute at their headquarters a great number of factors prior to a
challenge. - Sun Tzu
Happiness is the maximum agreement of desire and reality. - Stalin
An ethnological study has recently been published where the mate selection criteria in 37
cultures in 33 countries were analyzed. They were virtually identical from the aboriginal
deserts of Australia to the Brazilian coastal plains. As in this culture,
generally, men choose the women who are youngest and prettiest. One can hypothesize
that these are as proxy for assessing fertility (see also: Darwin, 1871; Williams, 1975;
Davenport,1977). Women prefer men who have high status. They prefer potential mat
es to be somewhat older, have the best financial prospects, be ambitious and industrious.
Presumably, these are as proxy for a guarantee of economic support, safety and security
for woman and potential offspring. The observation that females prefer mates
bearing greater gifts, holding better territories, or displaying higher rank, which has been
confirmed in many non-human species, now has been extended to humans. The study's
findings represent no great surprise, aside perhaps that being so universal th
ese are likely biologically driven breeding criteria arrived at through evolutionary natural
selection which have become embodied and exaggerated as societal norms and cultural
biases. Those men and women who remain single much beyond their exit from sch
ool are often alone for some good reason. This may be a result or by-product of: seeking
a higher level of accomplishment; perfecting one's self or one's art; true genius; having
more demanding standards for who they wish to be intimate with than can be
satisfied by the available population; having developmental goals that required longer
latency periods; needing professional training or education; and simple preference. For
whatever reason, they are left over from the mating/matching process through so
me combination of conscious and unconscious elements.
Equally, they may be single as the result of unresolved psychological issues or a failure in
emotional development which have damaged the pair-formation mechanism. Lacking
self-esteem, traumatic or painful life experience, a dysfunctional family backgrou
nd, phobia, incapacity, disability or any of these can be crippling. Likewise, their
universe of possible mates may be unrealistically limited due to cultural, biologically or
psychologically driven preferences. The parent-offspring bond in any species (
in humans, the objectrelationship formed with the parent of the opposite sex) may in
adult life lead to 'bond-confusion' when the particular characteristics of the individual
parent are taken as more than an imprint as to which species an individual is t
o mate with in later life (getting it right clearly a priority of evolutionary design).
Interference with the sexual pair-bonding process, stemming from a persistent parental
image can lead to a particular mate-selection which, in all other aspects, is h
ighly unsuitable. Conversely, an otherwise thoroughly compatible mate can fail to
achieve a full relationship because he or she lacks certain trivial but key characteristics of
the partner's parent. ("My father would never do that." "But I'm not your fat
her." - Desmond Morris) Any combination of these making pair-formation and intimacy
impossible, unappealing or threatening. That is, absent change, they may be terminally
single.
Love, love, love; all the wretched cant of it, masking egotism, lust, masochism, fantasy
under a mythology of sentimental postures, a welter of self-induced miseries and joys,
blinding and masking the essential personalities in the frozen gestures of cou
rtship, in the kissing and the dating, and the desire, the compliments and the quarrels
which vivify its barrenness. - Germaine Greer
I call them rock bimbos. They don't really work, they just go to tanning salons and clubs
in miniskirts and thigh-highs and live for being able to say, "My boyfriends in the band."
- Christina Applegate
When you learn to distinguish between the container and the contents, you will have
attained wisdom. Idries Shah
To take a closer look we must shift our gaze deeper. 'The young and the restless' have a
decided preference for those of like temperament, that is narcissistic, self-centered,
hedonistic, materialistic, and ideally hot, beautiful, and a bit nasty. Likewi
se, modern urban professionals have a limiting preference for those of their own class.
That is, those who have relatively predictable life courses, are great for playing sports
with, having a good yuppie time, warming the bed without hearing when the he
avenly choir sings, when the 'I' dissolves in the moment, and where discrete identity is
both irrelevant and distracting.
Consequently, if one is with a lover who is egotistical, narcissistic, without essential
substance; such a relationship is prophylaxis against having to love. One need not cross
own's own internal Rubicon, where the 'other' matters to the point of bringi
ng up all the desperately yucky stuff like fear of abandonment, wondering idiotically
what the other thinks, that panicky phase of realizing (falsely), that the other now carries
the seed pearl of your very existence. While this is perhaps only a reflect
ion from a limited perspective it is tremendously frightening to those with identity and
investment in being some 'I' in particular, as opposed to riding the wind and playing it as
it lays. The structure of inner life, the sense of 'self', of 'I'ness, de
rives first and foremost from the child's relationship with its mother. This becomes what
is thought of as 'normal', the standard, the baseline for who we are, what love is. Against
which mean the rest of life is judged. Love is often confused for transf
erence. The present is recast in the mold of the past. Incongruities are whacked off and
people tailor themselves (collude) to make each other, literally, feel at home. Conversely,
in intimate relationship, the greatest growth and the greatest risk comes
when love spills over the boundary of that structure and becomes a new ground for being
and experience. If you look at where people flip out with each other, it's where they find
themselves 'out of control', made aliens to themselves by love. The realit
y, of course, is that they have stepped behind the Potemkin village of their own identity
and can see at least some of the wide open and entirely undeveloped heart land.
Know the other and know yourself
One hundred challenges without danger
Know not the other and yet know yourself One triumph for one defeat
Know not the other and know not yourself Every challenge is certain peril
•Sun Tzu
There is an interesting paradox that the people who are possessed of abundant marketing
appeal, who have a talent for acquiring lovers often for exactly the same reason are the
people who have the greatest difficulty with sustained and sustaining intimac
y. The question worth posing in addition to "would this person make an exciting and
passionate lover" is "would this person be a good parent to my child". The point is not
about children, the point is that what makes a good parent is what makes a good lo
ver.
Love requires the ability, over an extended period of time, to be essentially present,
intimate, to nurture, to support growth physically, emotionally, intellectually and
spiritually. Hot, sophisticated, beautiful, rich, powerful, however attractive thes
e qualities are, must take their place alongside: real, wise, decent, open-hearted, honest,
aware, responsive, generous, competent, compassionate. In sum, what we could call
being capable of intimacy. Without that, without the capacity to be fully presen
t, to love without being overwhelmed by fear or greed, everything else is mere
entertainment, perhaps even great entertainment, but no more than that. Here's the rub.
Love is predicated on 'being' together; on essential contact which is both tremendously
appealing and very frightening. 'Being' is antithetical to egotism and its theatre. This
creates conflict, tension, intensity, feeling out of control, feeling vulnerable, revealed.
Folks don't care to, or can't keep up, find the pace too intense, the in
teraction too concentrated, the loss of control, or at least the lose of the illusion of
control, too shattering.
This is not a matter of either intelligence, education, wealth, social standing. One can
have essential contact with shop girls, cabdrivers, dancers, artists, investment bankers,
beautiful, ugly, wealthy, poor. The simple truth is that some people are aw
ake, present, essential, alive...and some people live their lives in the shadows, faintly,
without passion, without fire, without joy. Not as a function of natural endowment.
Rather, as a matter of choice in what one values, of what risks one is willing
to take, of what price one is willing to pay. Unfortunately, we live in a culture which
values some fairly trivial things.
One is never too far wrong if one adopts an approach which recognizes the egotism, the
materialism, the emotional immaturity, and the intra-psychic naivete of most of the
people one comes across. The more successful or beautiful or rich people are the le
ss reason they have had to go through the often painful, difficult, unpleasant, frustrating,
time consuming and expensive task of becoming sane and self-knowing, much less to
become fully human. We are all in our own way incompletely developed. Like musc
les and money, growth requires sustained, unrelenting effort. And time, lots of time.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you got it made. Groucho Marx
The bombardment of pseudo-realities begins to produce inauthentic humans very quickly,
spurious humans, as fake as the data pressing them from all sides. Fake realities will
create fake humans. Or, fake humans will generate fake realities and then sell t
hem to other humans, turning them, eventually, into forgeries of themselves. So we wind
up with fake humans inventing fake realities and then peddling them to other fake
humans. - Philip K. Dick
Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. - Henry Kissinger
It's not how you feel, it's how you look. - Billy Crystal
To be in the game, one must have the marketing appeal, the camouflage, the mystique,
the juice, enough flash or plumage to attract a candidate. Mystique and charisma,
however annoying, are also attractive and intriguing. They create a desire for completi
on, for the resolution of tension. The process is a lot like fly fishing. The bait must be
often just out of reach. Not so far as to cause loss of interest but not close enough to allow
detailed inspection and evaluation according to what the one always
believes are God given or at least rational, objectively based preferences. For many
people, frustration consistent with unconscious conditioning produces that elusive sense
of 'rightness' mistaken for the beginnings of love. A lot of that mystique and t
ension derives from maintaining and being aware, however intuitively, of the optimal
transference distance. This in part is the answer to why certain men (and women) vanish
after sexual contact 'too easily won', why some women (and men) flee when treated
well. The underlying truth of what has been characterized as the 'madonna/whore'
syndrome of men and of the observation that some women only love men who treat them
poorly ('boyfriends from hell'), is not that there is too much pleasure too quickly. It
is that there is too little tension, frustration and pain. 'Too close' and 'too far away'
emotionally, 'too easy' and 'too frustrating', for most people derive from deeply
unconscious patterns established by the relationship they had with their parents a
nd from the relationship their parents had with each other. The first question of a
prospective lover needs to be, "Were you loved in a healthy way as a child?", which of
course is no simple question. If the answer turns out to be "no", then one must pro
ceed with great care. It is rare, even with massive amounts of therapy, to completely
overcome deprivation, much less abuse. Their model for an intimate relationship drives
them to create an environment in which they feel at home; and their home is not a
place you much want to be.
My feeling about technique in art is that it has about the same value as technique in
lovemaking. Heartfelt ineptitude has its appeal and so does heartless skill; but what you
want is passionate virtuosity. - John Barth
Among men, sex sometimes leads to intimacy; among women intimacy sometimes leads
to sex. - D. Symons
Those who have supreme skill use strategy to bend others without coming to conflict. Sun Tzu
The human animal is basically and biologically a pair-formation species. As the
emotional relationship develops between a pair of potential mates it is aided and abetted
by the sexual activities they share. The pair-formation function of sexual behavior
is so important for our species that nowhere outside the pairing phase do sexual activities
reach such a high intensity. It is this function that causes so much trouble when it clashes
with various non-reproductive forms of sex. Even if procreation sex i
s successfully avoided and no fertilization takes place, a pair-bond may still automatically
start to form where none is intended. It is because of this that casual copulations
frequently create so many problems. If the copulator has had his or her pairforming mechanism damaged in some way during childhood, so that he or she is
incapable of "falling in love", or if there is a temporary or deliberate suppression of the
pair-forming urge, then the casual copulation may succeed and be enjoyed without any
later repercussions. But it takes two to copulate, and the partner in such an encounter may
not be so lucky. If his or her pair-forming mechanism is more active, a one-sided pairbond may start to form as a result of the emotional intensity of the sexual
actions. The inevitable outcome of this is that society becomes littered with 'broken
hearts', 'hang-ups', and 'abandoned lovers' who subsequently find it extremely difficult to
form a new pair-bond with a fresh partner. - Desmond Morris
There are no objective standards, no ready-made rules for when or whether two people
become sexual partners; thus a source of much frustration, coercion, "morality", and
humor. Nor is there a certain way of predicting whether a healthy and viable pair-bo
nd will form in any given set of circumstances. To make matters worse, the potential
dangers of each new sexual encounter are accelerating. There are presently more than 25
viral or bacterial sexually transmitted diseases (STD) present worldwide in epide
mic proportions. In the U.S., HIV infection in non-risk factor (that is those neither
homosexuals nor I.V. drug users) populations is 1:500,000, although the associated
hysteria and fear are pandemic. For the population as a whole, hepatitis B is 1:140,
genital warts, (human papilloma virus, a significant cause of cervical and genital cancer)
is 1:5 and genital herpes is 1:4. These are all viral infections which may be contagious
even when the carrier is asymptomatic. All four are incurable. Two of the
four are life-threatening. The merely obnoxious STD are even more prevalent. The
potential risks of each new trial have risen to unreasonable heights.
What is certain is that for love to develop, the needs, the capacities, the dreams of the
people involved, and the potential emotional and physical risks must be understood,
acknowledged, honored and dealt with compassionately and straight-up. Otherwise,
in a Judeo-Christian culture where non-procreative, non-marital sex is sin, in an
increasingly anti-sexual, forward to the 1950's society, under the shadow of an epidemic,
the underlying natural facts combine with personal history and cultural factors t
o produce a violent confusion. Nature and society at war; sex becomes a matter of
manipulation and control. Love become battlefield.
Courtship...is characterized by tentative, ambivalent behavior involving fear, aggression,
and sexual attraction. The nervousness and hesitancy is slowly reduced if the mutual
sexual signals are strong enough. - Desmond Morris
When opponents open a doorway, swiftly penetrate it. Locate beforehand their deepest
attachments, then inspire subtle expectations. Follow the rules and accommodate the
opponent, all the while working toward the decisive challenge.
•Sun Tzu
In our species, for healthy individuals of both sexes, natural pleasure produces emotional
bonding. Bonding at least potentially creates continuity. Continuity almost always creates
expectations, which may or may not be realistic or held in common by bot
h partners. Expectations lead to the demand or at least the desire for satisfaction and
security in the form of commitment. Likewise, society and almost certainly child rearing
demands time extensive commitments which are at their root agreements. These
are enforced at best by an enlightened knowledge of the local requirements of life on this
planet; and at worst by law, by a deadening sense of obligation, by convention, or still
worse, by sheer lack of imagination.
Paradoxically, for all the work that goes into finding 'that special someone', very little
work is done to convert 'let's be together' into a conscious, clear, joint, skillfully crafted,
explicit understanding. Much is naively assumed as to the congruenc
e of vision, goals, values, methods, style of life. Who decides what? Who takes out the
garbage? Who supports who economically, for how long, under what circumstances?
How much money, time together, work, sports on television, sex, particularly erotic pl
ay, is enough? Too much?
These agreements are often ambiguous, poorly defined, unconscious, and unrealistic. In
fact, aside from a general agreement to "togetherness" or "marriage", exactly what that
means is rarely dealt with fully. To the extent that the expectations of a coup
le are divergent, there is the basis for mutual misunderstanding; feeling betrayed,
misunderstood, not appreciated. In the absence of a clear contract, each person
unreasonably assumes that they know what the mutual view is.
Lovers are ennobled and transformed by love. They are on their best behavior, their most
expansive, their most generous during courtship. They also tailor themselves to each
other or at least pretend to. When the smoke clears, who's there? Marriage is fr
equently taken as license to be one's bad self. The prize is won. The 'other' is all too often
taken for granted, is part of the home team, no longer special. Under those circumstances,
paradoxically, marriage is the end rather than the beginning of life
together. There is another more intriguing paradox. Since life can only be lived in the
present moment, intimacy inherently exists only in the now. As such, any projection into
the future or future oriented commitment must be made in contemplation of th
at fact. Worse, many abandon the pearl which exists in the present in favor of a caravan
of dreams which always recedes across the desert. We have at hand a long ignored,
highly successful model of intimate relationship. It is time tested, adaptable, rob
ust, unlimited in scope; well worth exploring in the context of romantic love. This is not
to suggest that there are not unique problems that arise in sexually intimate relationships.
Rather that by considering the alternatives, by experimenting with dif
ferent modes, we can gain insight, parallax, a change of view. If one contrasts how one
treats one's closest friends and how one treats one's lovers, it becomes clear that intimate
friends are treated to fewer expectations, greater compassion, more gener
osity, more freedom, etc. than are lovers. We take our friends as we find them without
imagining we have the right or duty to change them. Since friendship is sustained by
action rather than existing as a contractual union, we keep our friendships cultiv
ated with effort. For we know that our friends remain our friends through kind attention,
freely given, balanced in the giving and taking. If you talk to people who feel they have
great marriages there is one consistent common factor. Their lover is thei
r best friend.
Intelligence cannot be employed without enlightenment and intuition. Intelligence cannot
be used without humanity and generosity. The work of intelligence cannot succeed
without subtlety and ingeniousness. Subtly, very subtly, nowhere neglect the use of
intelligence. - Sun Tzu
We can best tell our values by looking at our checkbook stubs. - Gloria Steinem
Intimacy requires one's becoming a psychologically healthy adult. Separately and
together, jointly and severally. This requires the balancing, aligning, harmonizing, (no,
not 6 black jazz singers acappella) of one's subtle inner life with one's outer con
ventional life. Separately and together. It is an art rarely focused on in these times of
desperate upward mobility. People treat each other, their lives and their experience as if
disconnected and discrete, individual pearls on a strand rather than a co
ntinuous tapestry. We have finite resources, finite lives, finite time. Apart from our own
propaganda, the truth is our values are revealed in our actions, not in our words. Love
requires time, attention, caring. Love must be valued to endure. Money has
become the idol, the modern golden calf. A friend, who is a managing partner of a major
law firm, works obsessively seeking wealth without much regard for anyone else (in the
name of efficiency), has a beautiful wife, two great kids, a multi-million doll
ar house, and all the paraphernalia that goes along with, none of which he has time to
enjoy. In unguarded moments, he makes the puzzled comment that when he and his wife
were just starting out, broke, in a modest apartment; that he was the happiest he h
as been. He sometimes wonders whether he hasn't taken a wrong turn. Whether God, the
universe, or whatever has a preference for or against wealth, success or anything else in
particular is not the point here. Rather, what sense does it make to pile up un
digestible treasure? In fairy tales, there is the dragon in it's lair with gold, jewels, and a
virgin princess, (what use after all do dragons have for gold or virgins). In Tibetan
Buddhism, the image of hungry ghosts, who have huge bodies, giant appetit
es, big mouths, and very little necks, (that is their desire always must exceed their
capacity for gratification). Sooner or later, and hopefully before one's next heart attack,
divorce, or breakdown; or perhaps worse, before one's life runs its course..
. doesn't it make sense to take as a matter of life/death the question "What is the point of
all this effort?"
This is not to sell other-worldliness, nor for that matter anything other than for being such
smart people, folks sure do act dumb. Humans, like forests, perhaps should be cultivated
(that is, cultivate themselves) for sustained and sustainable yield. A
balanced ecology may make more sense than land rape when such actions are taken in the
broader context that the sins of the father are visited on the son, that life is precious and
irretrievable, that love is rare and worthy of respect, that life is a me
ans without ends.
I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself, I seem to have been only
like a boy playing on the seashore and diverting myself in now and then finding a
smoother pebble or prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay a
ll undiscovered before me. - Sir Isaac Newton
In a society that holds up an increasingly punitive work ethic above any ethic of love or
compassion, it is risky indeed to assert pleasure as a legitimate social goal. If the "real
issues" are economic deprivation, the threat of nuclear holocaust, the d
estruction of the environment, and so forth down the grimly familiar list, then we should
perhaps acknowledge that the issue of human pleasure is not, after all, so marginal or
secondary. For the "real issues" only reflect our vast, collective separation
from the body, from the earth and other life on it, and from the possibility of delight in
ourselves and each other. We may have come to the point where we no longer have the
luxury and Puritanism can be a perverse kind of luxury of dividing what is "re
al" from what is only personal; what is public, from what is most deeply felt. We may
finally be obliged, by the very threats we have created for ourselves, to rethink pleasure
as a human goal and reclaim it as a human project. - Barbara Ehrenreich
So, what's the alternative? It is to live the truth known to every other organism, that life
itself is paramount. Paramecium do not need philosophers and psycho-analysts to move
toward food and away from threat. Plants turn toward the sun without metaphy
sicians or theologians. Without first requiring revolution, religious conversion,
psychotherepy, a change in socio-economic status or what-have-you, we can take time for
the simple living of life, time for love.
Balance, the golden mean, the middle way, valuing awareness before all else, holding no
false idols in the place of God...this is not new news. The point is made in Tibetan tantra
that the true path is not to consume all experiences indiscriminately, alt
hough they are all in theory potentially food for transformation. It is instead to
metabolize, understand, and transform the experiences one has had into wisdom. Merely
an understanding that the consumption of experience has no necessary relation with it
's digestion and metabolism. Where those practicing tantra differ from monks is that there
is no preexisting prejudice as to what is what; that it is not desire but the attachment to
desire which creates suffering. In a culture far from natural life, the
process of an individual's or a couple's emotional and psychological development
proceeds in quantum steps, a little like shooting difficult rapids. There is a wild ride
followed by beautiful stretches of isolated beautiful canyons, unreachable aside fr
om by that very ride, and at night, sleeping out under a blanket of stars. Given courage,
work, understanding, curiosity and skill, the journey itself is a prize well worth the effort,
the risk, the adrenalin rush and the terror. Fearing the rapids, peop
le pull out and dangle their feet in the river and call it living life to the max. They then
build resorts by the river to obscure, with neon and fast food, that they have become
consumers of experience, part of a least common denominator mass market tha
t provides McFood and McLove and McEntertainment. Now the good news is it keeps
them off the river. The bad news is that the waters of life are being drained to flush the
toilets, wash the cars, water the lawns, and fill the water coolers of these folks.
As for myself, they make me sad.
Man has now become a mere thing to the forces (of technology, of politics, of history)
that bypass him, surpass him, possess him. To those forces, man's concrete being, his
'world of life', has neither value nor interest: it is eclipsed, forgotten from t
he start. - Husserl
Overcome evil with good, falsehood with truth, and hatred with love. - Peace Pilgrim
In choosing to live a natural life we are paddling upstream against the flood tide of our
own culture. Violence, force, manipulation, control, power, propaganda, obedience,
emotional and political fascism, lies...have all been perfected. For the short te
rm, they are effective methods. The wisdom, compassion and non-violence of the
Tibetans was no match for the Chinese army when they conquered Tibet in 1950, just as
Maoist theory hasn't a prayer against Japanese consumer electronics. The U.S. and
U.S.S.R
. held hegemony over much of the world for 50 years. No longer. All finally fail. Empires
fall, dictators are deposed or die, revolution can be delayed but not denied, all people
finally wish to be free to live their lives and to earn their bread. The me
ek may not inherit the earth, but the strong eventually weaken. Somolia, the war in the
Persian Gulf, the slaughter in Bosnia, the collapse of the economies and governments of
Eastern Europe and the former USSR, the massacre in Tiananmen Square, the Alas
ka oil spill, political corruption, homelessness, car-jacking, drug addiction in the ghettos,
the destruction of the Brazilian rain forests, and toxic waste, are each possible only
through a pervasive blindness and ignorance of natural law. Any given eve
nt can be blamed on power-maddened despots, geriatric later-day Stalinists, Exxon,
Democrats, Republicans, the Medellin cocaine cartel, institutionalized racism,
shortsighted Brazilian peasants clearing the forests, and greedy corporations. Whether
true
or not, it is almost entirely irrelevant. Our lives and loves have become a predator's ball.
We treat our world and each other with such universal disdain or at least indifference that
we are in real danger not only of loveless lives but of destroying th
e environment piecemeal and of destroying what is finest in ourselves and our children.
These are not separate problems.
War and peace, violence and non-violence, exploitation, and sound development are as
much states of being as they are the states of nations. The failure to recognize the
fundamental indivisibility of one's own life; the indivisibility of life on this pla
net, is tragic. Passion, being loving, being truly human, being responsible, being
compassionate; all flow from a common source, that is life itself. The resolution of the
battle of the sexes must finally be peace, not victory. Love made life.
We triage our own lives. Our values are told in our actions, in how we spend the time of
our lives. Our choice of intimate partners and how we treat them reflect and give life to
what is truly precious for us. We are ourselves, personally and directly re
sponsible for the quality of not only our lives and our loves, but like a pebble in a pond,
for the world around us we can directly effect. The revolution of freedom and democracy
in Eastern Europe was rekindled in a shipyard in Poland. One nameless man
faced down a column of tanks in China. We are, each of us, the face in the mirror. Simply
put, if not us, then who, if not now, then when?
The way to do is to be. - Lao Tzu
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. - Philip K. Dick
I'll play it first and you tell me what it is later. - Miles Davis
-= relationships =-= 45 =-----------------------------------------------------
University of Michigan researchers in 1994 have devised a universal theory to explain
what ignites our passions and plunges us into the most despairing heartbreak. In the
largest study of its kind, Dr. David Buss and colleagues surveyed more than 10,000
people living on six continents and five islands about their mating preferences and
attitudes. The research, financed by the National Institute of Mental Health, spanned a
six-year period and involved the collaboration of 50 other scientists. From Zambia
to Japan, the language of love and lust transcended cultural boundaries, the researchers
found. "Humans everywhere have very similar desires for mates," said Buss, who has
studied sexual behavior more than 15 years. "However, the desires of men and wome
n differ, and they change depending on whether one is seeking casual sex or a long-term
relationship."
Buss said 90 percent of the people throughout the world get married; however, most do
not spend a lifetime with one partner exclusively. He said short-term coupling dominates
modern human mating strategies, but men and women seek out liaisons for differe
nt reasons: women to test their market value, men to test their virility.
"If a man could have his fantasy, he would sequester and monopolize all the attractive
women in the country," Buss said. "Indeed, men who are in a position to get what they
want, kings, tycoons, celebrities, often do things like that." The researchers fo
und that males said they desired an average of eight sexual partners in a two-year period,
while females wanted only one. In a lifetime, males said they wanted 18 women, while
females said they wanted four men, on average.
Male and female American students were approached in a bar by an interviewer of the
opposite sex. After a brief introduction, the interviewer asked if the student would go out
on a date, go back to the interviewer's apartment, or have sex. Of the men app
roached, half accepted the date, 69 percent said yes to visiting the apartment, and 75
percent agreed to sex. Half the females also agreed to a date, but only 6 percent agreed to
go to the apartment, and none consented to sex.
For women, the researchers found, intimacy generally takes time. Male and female
students were equally likely to engage in sex after knowing their partner for more than
five years, the study reported. But the average male was willing to have sex after kn
owing his partner one week, while the average female said she would wait six months.
Buss speculated that male promiscuity is a primal instinct that reflects nature's attempt to
maximize reproduction in a dangerous world. The female's caution reflects her instinct to
"seek resources and protection because she must bear the children." Mal
es, eager to disperse their genes, look for cues in females that signal sexual accessibility
and fertility - health, youth, and curves, the scientists said. Men often value female
promiscuity, he said, but only for short-term relationships. When a male w
ants a wife, he values chastity and prefers someone who lacks prior sexual experience
because of his need to make certain he is the father of the children. "Historically, men
have sequestered women with chastity belts, eunuch-guarded harems, veiling, eve
n surgical procedures," Buss noted in the study, which was published in the journal
Psychological Review. In more than two thirds of the 37 countries studied, men desired
chastity in a mate more than women did. Male Indonesians, Iranians, and Palestinian
Arabs coveted virginity the most, while men in the Netherlands and Scandinavia valued
it the least.
Another cross-cultural study found that infidelity was the most prevalent cause of
divorce, but a wife's affair was much more likely to end her marriage than a husband's,
the scientists reported. Females said they would be more upset by a partner who "fe
ll in love and became emotionally committed to someone else" rather than one who had a
casual affair. As a sexual strategy, females often chose mates who offer either physical or
economic protection, and who will commit resources to the family, Buss said
. Even height can be a factor. Studies of singles ads show that if males say they are taller,
6-foot-1 or more, they receive more responses from women. Short-term mating strategies
among females are mostly experimental, the researchers reported. "A (sing
le) woman may seek short-term mates both to clarify what her desires are and to assess
how desirable she is," Buss said. When married women have affairs, they may be
"casting about to see what their value is, and to determine if they can get out of their
current relationship." By suggesting that love is not really blind, Buss also discovered
that frustration might be biologically inherent in relationships. "I think evolution has
played a dirty trick on us by creating desires that can never really be ful
filled," he said.
-= relationships =-= 46 =-----------------------------------------------------
A group of friends and I were sitting around telling about our worst dates. Here are the
two funniest ones. The second (and best) story smacks of an urban legend, but the teller,
who isn't the type to lie about this sort of thing, claims to have been tol
d the story in the presence of the poor guy, who was squirming throughout the whole
story.
The guy had a blind date, so he went out shopping before the date and had gotten himself
a sharp looking green shirt for his date. He goes on the date, and they are hitting it off
fantastically. They are kissing before they even leave the restaurant. The
y go back to her apartment, with the lights down low, and they are making out. He goes
into the bathroom to take off his clothes. He turns the light on, and finds that the color in
his shirt has bled from his sweating, and his chest and back are stained
green. He puts his clothes back on, says good night to the woman, and goes home.
The guy in this story was having a first date with a woman that he had been nuts over for
sometime. He was all psyched up for the date, having done everything he could to
prepare for it so it would go well. He had his best clothes ready, and he even got
a pair of silk socks to wear on the date. Unfortunately, the day of the date, he was
suffering from, well, lets call it intestinal flu, shall we? He was having to go to the
bathroom every 30 minutes or so. So he goes to the bathroom right before he goes
to pick her up, hoping that he can make it to the restaurant before he has to go again. But
by the time he gets to her house, he has to go BAD. So he runs up and knocks, she opens
the door and introduces herself. He says, "Hi, I have to go to the bathroo
m real bad, can you show me the way?" She takes him to the bathroom. He goes in, and
really stinks it up. He's in there for a little bit, finishes, and looks around for the toilet
paper. There isn't any. So he leans over and opens all the cabinets and dr
awers he can reach, looking for some. There isn't any. No toilet paper, no kleenex,
nothing that he can use. So he sits in there thinking, "What am I going to do?" After a
little while, she comes to the door and knocks and asks if he's okay. He says, "Ye
ah, I'll be right out." The bathroom stinks so bad, he doesn't want to ask her to get him
anything. After she comes back a second time to check on him, he gets desperate. He
takes his silk socks, and puts one on each arm. He uses these, and then throws t
hem in the toilet and flushes it. The socks get stuck and the toilet backs up and overflows.
The water and everything else in the toilet goes cascading across the floor. She comes
back to the door and asks what's going on. He says he'll be right out, and
is frantically looking around for something to clean it up with. The only thing in the
bathroom (remember, no toilet paper, etc) are the towels, nice white ones. So he grabs the
white towels and starts mopping the water up. The girl is knocking on the d
oor now demanding he open the door. Realizing his hopeless situation, he does the only
thing he can to save face. He opens the window, climbs out, runs to his car, and drives
home.
-= relationships =-= 47 =-----------------------------------------------------
After countless hours of watching men and women in public places such as bars, Monica
Moore, associate professor of psychology at Webster University in St. Louis, has
determined that women often make the first romantic move. In a scholarly paper publishe
d in the Journal of Ethology and Sociology, Moore has listed 52 "gestures and other
nonverbal behaviours" that women use to signal an interest "in interacting with certain
men." How do they flirt? Among the top 10 ways are smiling, a room-encompassing gl
ance, or solitary dancing. On the list of the 10 least-used flirting methods are applying
lipstick, lateral body contact, or the old hiking of the skirt, Moore writes.
-= relationships =-= 48 =-----------------------------------------------------
The True Gender Of Objects
Mirrors are female because none of their reflections are really their own. Stamps are
female because men like to lick them, stick them, and then send them away.
Windows are male because they're a pane, and because you can see through them. Shit is
male because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.