LAW REVUE LIVE!
FALL 2002
REVISION 5.0
[10.31.02]
JUST ABOUT RIGHT
Skits and ideas by:
A whole bunch of people
1

OPENING SCENE
LIGHTS DIM, THE TV SCREENS AROUND THE STAGE FLICKER TO LIFE.
THE CARDOZO EMBLEM FILLS THE SCREEN.
V.O.:
And now a message from the dean of the Benjamin N. Cardozo
School of Law...
FADE IN TO REVEAL DEAN RUDENSTINE SEATED AT HIS DESK.
HE WELCOMES EVERYONE TO THE SHOW AND EXPLAINS WHY HE COULDN'T BE THERE EVEN
THOUGH IT WAS HIS IDEA TO HAVE TWO SHOWS. WHILE HE IS SPEAKING THE CAMERA SLOWLY
PULLS BACK TO REVEAL FUNNY THINGS GOING ON AROUND HIM (PERHAPS HIS LOCATION IS
NOT WHAT WE EXPECT EITHER).
AT ONE POINT IN THE SPEECH EITHER THE DEAN OR SOMEONE ELSE YELLS INTO THE
CAMERA:
Live from Cardozo it's Law Revue!
MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY…
PICTURES OF THE CAST INTERCUT WITH SCENES FROM AROUND CARDOZO.
V.O.:
It's Law Revue Live! Starring...
V.O.:
And here's your host, Josh Glick!
LIGHTS UP. JOSH BURSTS OUT FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN TO THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE. THE
MUSIC FINISHES; THE VIDEO ENDS.
JOSH TALKS TO THE AUDIENCE AND DOES HIS SHTICK, FINALLY PROMISING EVERYONE THAT
'THERE'S A GREAT SHOW IN STORE FOR THEM TONIGHT'
FADE TO BLACK.
VIDEO CLIP 1
GHOSTS & ALIENS, OH MY!
[SETUP FOR SCENE 2]
2

SCENE 2: JEOPARDY
STAGE IS SET UP LIKE THE JEOPARDY SET. ALL CONTESTANTS AND ALEX TREBECK ARE AT
THEIR APPROPRIATE PODIUMS. THE JEOPARDY MUSIC PALYS AS THE LIGHTS FADE UP.
TREBECK:
Good evening everyone, and welcome back to a very special edition of
Cardozo Jeopardy! We had an exciting first round so far. Let's take a moment to meet our contestants.
Scott, it says here that you're a first year student at Cardozo.
STUDENT:
That's right Alex. I aced my Elements exam and I'm here to make some money!
TREBECK:
Well good luck in the next round. Next we are joined by Elliot
Shaffer, a legal writing teacher at Cardozo.
TEACHER:
That's Legal Writing Professor, Mr. Trebeck.
TREBECK:
Thank you Mr. Shaffer. And finally, we have Professor Lester
Brickman, who teaches Contracts to first year students.
STUDENT:
Oh I wouldn't say he teaches, Alex.
TREBECK:
The categories for Double Jeopardy are as follows:
LAW SCHOOLS ENDING IN "OZO";
CARDOZO QUIRKS;
FAMOUS JEWISH JUSTICES;
CARDOZO, THE SOUNDTRACK;
POTENT POTABLES; and
CARDOZO CONSTRUCTION.
When we finished the last round, you were in the lead Professor, so you are still in control of the board.
BRICKMAN:
Okay... Mr...
[scrutinizing seating chart]
Iftoad, I accept your offer of Contracts for $100.
TREBECK:
No, sir, it's Trebeck, My name is Trebeck, not Iftoad.
BRICKMAN:
[unsatisfied, looking down at seating chart]
Ms... Shalmassey? Query: Have I made a contract with Mr. Iftoad for
$100? Ms. Robb? What is the objective or market value of my contract with Mr. Iftoad?
TREBECK:
Ah, no, professor, you have to refer your questions to me.
3

BRICKMAN:
Very well, Mr...
[looks down at seating chart, as though correcting a mistaken name]
...Brickman, what is the answer?
TREBECK:
No sir, that's your name.
[Getting frustrated]
You know what? Never mind. Mr. Shaffer, why don't you start us off instead?
TEACHER:
Okay, I'll take LAW SCHOOLS ENDING IN "OZO" for $200, please.
TREBECK:
Answer: This Law School ends in "OZO." Mr. Shaffer?
TEACHER:
What is the Cardozo High School in Queens?
TREBECK:
No. Scott?
STUDENT:
What is the Benjamin N. Cardozo School of Law?
TREBECK:
Yes! Choose again!
STUDENT:
I'll take CARDOZO PET PEEVES for $200, Alex.
TREBECK:
Answer: Approximately 45 minutes. Scott?
STUDENT:
What is the amount of time Cardozo's library is open each week?
TREBECK:
Yes, for $200! Choose again.
STUDENT:
Pet Peeves for $400, please.
TREBECK:
Answer: The average Cardozo student spends 8 hours a week doing this. Mr. Shaffer?
TEACHER:
What is preparing for legal writing class?
TREBECK:
No. Professor Brickman?
BRICKMAN:
Someone make a legal noise! Louder! Ms. Robb?
TREBECK:
No! Scott?
4

STUDENT:
What is waiting for an elevator?
TREBECK:
Yes! Choose again!
STUDENT:
I'll take CARDOZO CONSTRUCTION for $600 please.
TREBECK:
Answer: At Cardozo Law School, there are more of these than Cardozo students. Mr. Shaffer?
TEACHER:
What are construction workers?
TREBECK:
Yes! We would also have accepted 'security guards'
TREBECK:
Professor?
Mr. BRICKMAN:
Ms. Justin, is there an implied-in-fact contract here?
TREBECK:
Oh shut up! Mr. Shaffer, choose again!
TEACHER:
Cardozo Pet Peeves for $800.
TREBECK:
Answer: Approximately 47,000. Mr. Shaffer?
TEACHER:
What is the number of questions posed in a Legal Writing Class?
TREBECK:
No. Scott?
STUDENT:
What is the number of questions posed in an Elements of Law class?
TREBECK:
Yes!
STUDENT:
I'll take CARDOZO PET PEEVES for $500 please, Alex.
TREBECK:
Answer: The DAILY DOUBLE!
You are in first place with $800, ahead of Mr. Shaffer with -4231, followed by Mr. Brickman in third place, with -$6500.
BRICKMAN:
Query, Ms. Robb: Do I now owe Mr. Trebeck $600?
[flails arms impatiently]
Make a legal noise!
5

STUDENT:
[Ignoring Brickman]
Ah, I'd like to make it a true daily double, Alex.
TREBECK:
Okay, a correct response would put you in the lead with $1,600 if you get this right: Answer: An average of two per week.
STUDENT:
[Thinks hard... builds suspense]
What is the number of Jewish holidays each week?
TREBECK:
Yes, for $1,600!
STUDENT:
I'll take CARDOZO PET PEEVES for $600 please, Alex.
TREBECK:
Answer: At Cardozo Law School, if Yom Kippur falls on a Monday, the library is closing at 4 p.m., and there's a Monday schedule on
Tuesday, then a Wednesday class scheduled to start at 10:00 begins at this time. Mr. Shaffer?
TEACHER:
What is 10:00?
TREBECK:
I'm sorry but the judges say that no one knows for sure. Choose again!
TEACHER:
I'll take CARDOZO, THE SOUNDTRACK for $1000 please.
TREBECK:
Answer: an Audio daily double! You have $200. You can bet up to
$1000.
TEACHER:
I'll make it a true daily double, Alex.
TREBECK:
Okay, for $1000, identify this sound [plays obnoxiously loud construction noises].
TEACHER:
What is a quiet day at Cardozo?
TREBECK:
Yes! You're now in first place with $1,200. Choose again.
TEACHER:
I'll take CARDOZO PREDICTIONS for $800, Alex.
TREBECK:
Answer: The year 2089. Scott?
TEACHER:
What is the year Cardozo will reach first-tier?
6

TREBECK:
No. Scott?
STUDENT:
What is the expected completion date of Cardozo's construction project?
TREBECK:
Yes, for $800, bringing you back in the lead with $1,600.
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP SOUND
That sound means it's time for Final Jeopardy. The category tonight is: Geography. Contestants, please put down how much you'd like to wager. Currently, Scott is in the lead with $2,600, followed by Mr.
Shaffer, with $1,200. And Professor Brickman, in third place, has
$100, having confused the judges into thinking he had established offer, acceptance, and consideration earlier in the show.
BRICKMAN:
Mr. Iftoad, have I just effected a swindle? Make a legal noise!
[arms flailing]
TREBECK:
The Final Jeopardy category tonight is Geography. Here is the answer: "This law school is located at 5th Ave. & 12th Street in
Manhattan." Contestants, good luck!
FINAL JEOPARDY MUSIC PLAYS, CONTESTANTS SCRIBBLE FURIOUSLY.
TREBECK:
Mr. Brickman, we'll start with you. You wrote: "Mr. Romanoff? Ms.
Rosenberg? Mr. Iftoad? Ms. Black? Mr. Iftoad?"
TREBECK:
No, Professor. For the last time, those are the names of your students. We were looking for the name of a law school. This law school.
BRICKMAN:
Ms. Shalmassey? Consideration? Ms. Frank? Ms. Justin? Louder!
BID REVEALS PRIOR STUDENTS' COMMENTS DESCRIBING HIM AS A TERROR.
TREBECK:
Okay professor, shhhh. Let's see what you wagered...
You wrote down the worst things your past students have ever said about you.
[rolling his eyes]
O-kay! Let's see if our first-year writing teacher fared any better.
Mr. Shaffer, you wrote: "One can find this law school at the intersection of 5th Ave. & 12th Street in Manhattan." So instead of asking a question like you were supposed to, you've chosen to rewrite the Final Jeopardy answer in the active voice.
[pauses]
Good for you. And you bid..? [$201] That brings you down to $999.
And finally, let's see what our Scott, our Cardozo First Year student wrote: "What is Cardoza Law School?"
7

TREBECK:
Yes--wait, did you write "Cardozo" or "Cardoza"?
STUDENT:
Um, Cardoza?
TREBECK:
Judges? Judges say: Close enough! What was your wager?
BID REVEALS THE LEARNED HAND FORMULA USED TO DERIVE A NUMBER VALUE OF $199
That means you're our new Cardozo Jeopardy champion, with one-day earnings of $2,799!
Before we go, I have just been informed that if any first-years are watching the show tonight, you've just missed 3 mandatory meetings and are now in the process of missing two more. Notice was clearly posted under a table in room 1158. Good night everybody!
FADE TO BLACK.
[SETUP FOR SCENE 3 & 4]
8

SCENE 3: POETRY CORNER
DARK STAGE.
SULTRY V.O.:
And now it's time for the Law Revue poetry corner
SPOTLIGHT FADES ON FOCUSED ON A "POET" WEARING A BERET, SEATED ON A STOOL.
POET:
As I sit in class,
Watching the clock.
My stomach starts grumbling,
As it goes into shock.
It’s one o’clock,
Time to eat.
I’m really dying,
For some luncheon meat.
Someone raises their hand,
Asks another question.
The prof goes on,
Cutting into my time for digestion.
Finally, class ends,
We are able to go.
So we head to the elevator
It’s lunchtime you know!
To the third floor,
Into the café...
Not much of a selection
To my dismay.
And then I spot it,
The saving grace
A tuna wrap
To stuff in my face.
I pick up the package
Examine the label
I pay for my sandwich
And head to a table.
I unwrap the layers of tape,
And finally begin to eat
The wrap’s a little soggy
I should’ve gotten whole wheat.
Now it’s two o’clock
My stomach is quiet.
I head back to class,
Though I’d rather skip by it.
But tomorrow I know,
Same place, same time
My tuna will be waiting,
Isn’t life sublime?!
SULTRY V.O.:
This has been Law Revue poetry corner
FADE TO BLACK.
9

SCENE 4: SEX IN THE CITY
STAGE IS SET WITH A TABLE FROM THE THIRD FLOOR LOUNGE WITH FOUR CHAIRS. SINCE
SCENE 3 HAPPENS WITH A DARK STAGE, THE PROPS HAVE ALREADY BEEN SET UP.
SEX IN THE CITY OPENING THEME PLAYS. SPOTLIGHT ON CARRIE. ENTERS STAGE, SITS AND
OPENS LAPTOP, AND BEGINS TO THINK AND TYPE.
CARRIE V.O.:
Why do people go to law school in the first place? I wouldn’t say I hate it, but sometimes, it’s downright painful. I really am getting shoulder pains from lugging around my laptop and all these books.
And it makes me tired. I come home after class and just stare at the
TV for like an hour because my brain is so fried. There’s someone in my class whose 75. Who’d want to go through law school at 75? Aren’t you supposed to be enjoying your final years?
This whole law school thing seemed to make sense a year ago when my friends were struggling to get jobs and all I had to do was fill out a couple of applications. But now... well, to be honest, I don’t really know what’s going on half the time. It’s one thing to give a hypothetical, but we end up with hypotheticals on hypotheticals. I used to be able to carry on an interesting conversation. Now everything I say begins with “Did you read the one about Jones v.
Smith yet?”
And finally, can you have a meaningful relationship in law school?
How do you go about meeting people anyway? I don’t even know the names of everyone in my section. I only seem to learn people’s names as they get called on in class. And no one appears at their best then. Plus, at Cardozo, are there even any singles left? At 23, without husbands or a babies, are we past our prime?
LIGHTS FADE UP. ALL FOUR GIRLS ARE AT THE TABLE. STUDENT WALKS BY WITH STROLLER.
CARRIE:
There goes another one.
CHARLOTTE:
Oh, I want a baby!
MIRANDA:
You do? What would you do with a baby now?
CHARLOTTE:
Well, I don’t really want a baby, but they’re so cute!
SAMANTHA:
Cute? They cry and drool and smell funny…
CHARLOTTE:
Not the one in my Civ Pro class. She just sits there in her stroller as quiet as can be with her little pink booties and pacifier.
MIRANDA:
I overheard these two students-mothers—whatever, talking about how difficult it is to be in law school and raise a baby.
CARRIE:
Well, no kidding. You’d have to have a really supportive husband.
10

CHARLOTTE:
And where are we ever going to find one of those?
SAMANTHA:
Well, not here. That’s for sure. The one guy I was actually interested in wasn’t even Jewish!
CARRIE:
That’s because they all look so stereotypically Jewish… short, big noses, glasses, dorky…
MIRANDA:
There’s always JDate.
THEY ALL THROW SOMETHING AT HER
SAMANTHA:
No way, will I ever be that pathetic…
MIRANDA:
It’s not pathetic. It’s a dating service for yuppie Jewish professionals that don’t have time to meet people because they’re working so hard. Don’t we count?
SAMANTHA:
Fine. You go on it. Let me know if you meet anybody. I’ll come to the wedding. We could have it here, in the 3 rd Floor Lounge.
CHARLOTTE:
Oh, I’d like to plan a wedding…
CARRIE:
How in the world would you find time to plan a wedding?
CHARLOTTE:
I don’t know. But people do it. Someone around here is always talking about getting married…
MIRANDA:
I know! The girl who sits next to me in Contracts walked in with the biggest diamond I’d ever seen!
SAMANTHA:
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, you know.
MIRANDA:
Yeah, well, not when the glare off one stops you from reading the prof’s chicken scratch on the blackboard.
CHARLOTTE:
I saw that girl. She played with the ring the whole class.
MIRANDA:
And then she so casually turned to me and said, “Did you know that there are 9 shapes of diamonds, 3 types of settings, and two different types of metal to choose from when designing one of these?” Who would know that?
CARRIE:
I knew that.
11

MIRANDA:
You would. But I’ve been spending too much time reading Contracts to pick up Modern Bride these days. Shupak must have noticed the ring, too, because he fell off the podium.
You know, I wonder... Are the different types of diamonds different in degree or different in kind?
CHARLOTTE:
But what if doesn’t work out. What about the registry?
MIRANDA:
What?
CHARLOTTE:
If you cancel a wedding, what happens to all the stuff on the registry people have already bought you?
SAMANTHA:
I guess you give it back. There were two girls outside my Torts class discussing China patterns the other day.
CARRIE:
The two outside mine were discussing mezzooozahs.
ACTION FREEZES. STAGEHAND WALKS OUT ON STAGE.
STAGEHAND LEAVES. ACTION CONTINUES.
STAGEHAND:
One of the actresses currently on stage is not Jewish. We apologize.
CARRIE:
Apparently, one had gotten like 10 for wedding presents.
MIRANDA:
I don’t think any New York apartment has 10 doorways, least of all ones we’re living in on a student’s budget.
SAMANTHA:
What if the SBA planned a speed dating event instead of a bar night?
MIRANDA:
Would it make a difference? It would be the same people coming out on a Thursday night anyway.
SAMANTHA:
Yeah, but the ones with girlfriends would probably stay home.
CARRIE:
So who’d be left to come out for a speed dating event?
EVERYONE:
The 4 of us.
MIRANDA:
And all the other unattached women here.
12

CARRIE:
And like 2 guys from GALLSA
SAMANTHA:
I guess we’ll just have to stick to meeting people while waiting for the elevator. Sometimes that takes all day!
CHARLOTTE:
I broke a nail the other day, pressing that button so many times.
MIRANDA:
Do people not realize that they only have to press it once? Even if it’s lit, the next person to come along to wait still presses it.
Like it’ll come any faster that way!
CARRIE:
And then, of course, by the time it gets to you, it’s usually a full elevator, so you still have to wait for the next one.
CHARLOTTE:
But you have to wait for the door to close all the way on that first one before hitting the button again, or the door opens back up and all the people give you nasty looks like waiting another 30 seconds will make them soooo late for class.
SAMANTHA:
Do you know how many times I’ve been late for class because I’ve been waiting for an elevator?
MIRANDA:
You could take the stairs every once in awhile. Especially going down, or up to the second floor. I never understood those people who get on the elevator to go up one floor.
SAMANTHA:
In these shoes? Are you crazy? I could really hurt myself.
MIRANDA:
I wonder if you could sue Monolo Blanic when you fal down the stairs. How do you walk around the city in those?
CARRIE:
Oh! I’ve got to get to class. Anybody want come visit Bernie with me? I’m really addicted to those Odwalla bars these days.
MIRANDA:
I’ll come. But, I'm not buying anything. I only have a 20 and I can't handle another dirty look from Bernie.
CARRIE:
See you guys later!
FADE TO BLACK.
VIDEO CLIP 2
CANDID CAMERA
[SETUP FOR SCENE 5]
13

SCENE 5: INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO
TWO CHAIRS. SMALL DESK. LOTS OF BLUE INDEX CARDS. JAMES LIPTON IS ALONE.
LIPTON:
[To the audience]
I have interviewed many great people on this stage. But no one captures the imagination or stirs the soul in the way that our guest this evening can. It is my pleasure this evening to be in the company of Robert Deniro.
OFFSTAGE VOICE:
Uh, James... James?
LIPTON:
[Upset]
What!? Oh for god's sake! What!
OFFSTAGE VOICE:
Um, we couldn't get Robert Deniro to come tonight.
LIPTON:
For crying out loud! What kind of... You know...
[Calms down]
Fine, so who do we have?
OFFSTAGE VOICE:
Well, we have David Rudenstine.
LIPTON:
David who?
OFFSTAGE VOICE:
David Rudenstine. He's the dean of Cardozo Law School.
LIPTON:
Cardozo what?
OFFSTAGE VOICE:
Cardozo Law School. You know, that school on the corner.
LIPTON:
Nope.
OFFSTAGE VOICE:
That school on the corner that's not NYU or New School.
LIPTON:
Don't know what you're talking about.
OFFSTAGE VOICE:
The one with Barry Scheck.
LIPTON:
Sorry. Doesn't ring a bell
OFFSTAGE VOICE:
The one where the drug store used to be.
14

LIPTON:
City Drug! That was my drug store!
[grumbling]
Fine. Whatever. Send him out. I just need some new cards.
STAGEHAND RUNS ON AND GIVES LIPTON A NEW STACK OF CARDS
Are we ready now?
OFFSTAGE VOICE:
Go ahead.
LIPTON:
Sitting here upon this stage has truly been the most exciting period in my life. But no guest has ever stirred my soul so much as the one we have here tonight. This evening we are in the presence of greatness. I present to you David Rudenstine.
"RUDENSTINE" WALKS OUT AND TAKES HIS SEAT
Good evening, sir, and welcome to our stage.
RUDENSTINE:
Thank you. It's an honor being here.
LIPTON:
Yes it is
[grabs a card]
David Rudenstine, you were born on February 26, 1942. You we’re raised in the quaint town of Danbury, Connecticut. Tell us about your childhood.
RUDENSTINE:
Well, there's not much to tell. I remember-
LIPTON:
Fascinating! Now David, you're not the only one who runs a graduate school. Tell more about your brother, Neil. Now he was a university president, correct?
RUDENSTINE:
Yes he was.
LIPTON:
Enlightening! At which institution was his effervescence felt?
RUDENTSTINE:
At a school near Boston
LIPTON:
Delightful! Which one BU, BC, MIT?
RUDENSTINE:
[reluctantly responding under his breath, muffled]
Harvard
LIPTON:
Say again David, our students couldn’t hear your thoughtful response
15

RUDENSTINE:
HARVARD!
LIPTON:
Ah Hah------vard! The place where the greatest minds are gathered from throughout the world
RUDENSTINE:
Well that’s a matter of opinion, James. It depends on you ask.
LIPTON:
How barbaric, yet delicious! But you too, David, are known for your great intellect. You argued the Pentagon Papers in front of the
Supreme Court.
RUDENSTINE:
Actually, James, that wasn't me. I just wrote a book about it.
LIPTON:
Remarkable! But, what about the Parthenon Marbles? Certainly that was a intriguing case to be involved in
RUDENSTINE:
Well, I wasn't really involved in that one either, just wrote a book about it.
LIPTON:
Really. So you had nothing to do with the ***********
RUDENSTINE:
Uh, no.
LIPTON:
And the ***********
RUDENSTINE:
Sorry, no.
LIPTON:
***********
RUDENSTINE:
I read the book.
LIPTON:
David Rudenstine, YOU ARE A DELIGHT!!!! But, now we have come to the part of our show: the answers to the Bernard Pivot questionnaire.
RUDENSTINE:
I’m ready for anything James
LIPTON:
What is your favorite word?
RUDENTSTINE:
Constitutional
LIPTON:
What is your least favorite word?
16

RUDENTSTINE:
Neil
LIPTON:
What turns you on?
RUDENTSTINE:
The Commerce Clause
LIPTON:
What turns you off?
RUDENTSTINE:
Anything having to do with Harvard
LIPTON:
What sound do you love?
RUDENSTINE:
Jackhammering
LIPTON:
What sound do you hate?
RUDENSTINE:
Silence
LIPTON:
What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
RUDENSTINE:
Master Thespian
LIPTON:
What profession would you like not to participate in?
RUDENSTINE:
President of an Ivy League School
LIPTON:
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
RUDENSTINE:
Neil went to that other place
LIPTON:
David Rudenstine, your presence today will be remembered throughout the annals of time. Good night!
FADE TO BLACK.
[CLEAR THE STAGE AND SETUP FOR SCENE 6]
17

SCENE 6:
X-FILES
DARK STAGE. X-FILES MUSIC PLAYS. A CELL PHONE RINGS. FROM SOMEWHERE IN THE
AUDIENCE, WITH RED HAIR, IN A LONG BLACK COAT:
SCULLY:
Mulder?
FROM ELSEWHERE IN THE AUDIENCE, IN A LONG BLACK COAT:
MULDER:
Scully?
SCULLY:
Where are you?
MULDER:
Wherever it is, it’s very dark.
SCULLY:
I’m a room full of people. They seem to be gathered for some kind of ritual performance.
MULDER:
Are they having a good time?
SCULLY:
I’m not sure…
FADE LIGHTS UP. MULDER AND SCULLY GET UP ON THE STAGE.
MULDER:
Oh, here you are. Did you have any luck finding any proof of the experiments?
SCULLY:
No. But I'm not really sure what we're looking for.
MULDER:
The government has been conducting mind control experiments on students in this school for over 25 years!
SCULLY:
Come on, Mulder. What’s your proof?
MULDER:
It must be mind control – they still believe they’ll have a lobby by the end of the year. The documents we're looking for are probably in the library.
Then all we have to do is find the circulation desk. That should be easy.
SCULLY:
MULDER:
It should be on the main floor of the library.
SCULLY:
Where’s that?
18

MULDER:
The seventh floor.
SCULLY:
But I’ve been on the seventh floor. There’s nothing there but drywall and a radio blasting “Livin’ on a Prayer.”
MULDER:
If it’s not on the seventh floor, then where would they put it?
SCULLY:
How about the eighth floor?
MULDER:
No, I already tried that. The elevator wouldn’t go there.
SCULLY:
Mulder...
MULDER:
Honest! I pushed the button, but the little light wouldn’t stay on!
SCULLY:
The elevator has to go the eighth floor. It went to the 9 th , 10 th , and
11 th floors. I used it myself.
MULDER:
So naturally you assume that the eighth floor exists.
SCULLY:
What else should I assume?
MULDER:
You know what I think? I think the government conspiracy has created a vortex time-effect at the exact spot where the elevator’s sensors detect the presence of the eighth floor and thus the law library’s circulation desk. It’s as if they have effectively wiped the circulation desk out of existence, and thus the entire library.
SCULLY:
You think aliens stole the circulation desk?
MULDER:
Don’t you see? It all makes sense now! Without the help of one of the librarians, who don't seem to speak English, we would never be able to guide ourselves through the maze of a call-number system where every item begins with the letter K.
SCULLY:
Mulder, this time you’ve really outdone yourself.
Maybe there's some other proof.
MULDER:
Of course! How could I not have seen it before!
What? Seen what, Mulder?
SCULLY:
MULDER:
19

The food in the mini café!
SCULLY:
What are you talking about Mulder?
MULDER:
Don't you see? The food they serve here is inedible by humans. But the students here eat it all the time! They're not human Scully!
SCULLY:
They're not human because of the food they eat?
MULDER:
Yes! Yes! It all makes sense now!
[Grabs Scully's arms]
We've finally found the proof!
SCULLY:
Mulder, I think this time you've gone to far.
MULDER:
Scully, maybe they’ve beaten us this time, but some day, some day soon, I’ll prove to you that the truth is out there.
FADE TO BLACK.
[SETUP FOR SCENE 7 & 8]
20

SCENE 7: POETRY CORNER
SAME SETTING AS BEFORE
SULTRY V.O.:
And now it's time for another Law Revue poetry corner
POET:
The first day,
I came to school.
I went and bought
My best new tool.
It comes in colors,
Neon bright
To mark up pages,
Once black and white.
Green for facts,
Pink for holding
Yellow for reasoning
Orange, dissent unfolding.
Oh, I could color
The text all day.
But will I remember
The case come May?
What’s that?
What’s that you say?
I should brief them
Anyway?
But why?
My casebook is
A work of art.
I can auction it on E-bay,
$100 to start.
And then we’ll know,
The true value we’ll see
Of the highlighter,
And my Cardozo degree!
SULTRY V.O.:
This has been another Law Revue poetry corner
FADE TO BLACK.
21

SCENE 8 : PROCTORS
THREE ELDERLY PEOPLE ARE SITTING AROUND DOING NOTHING, MAKING IDLE CONVERSATION.
IN WALKS JUDY MENDER WITH AN ASSISTANT IN A WHITE COAT.
ASSISTANT:
Attention everybody, this nice women would like to talk to you all about an exciting day away from the home.
JUDY:
Hello everybody, I am Judy Mender the Dean of Students at Cardozo
Law School and it is an honor for me to be here at Mount Zion
Nursing Home for old crotchety Jewish people. As you may or may not know it is exam time at Cardozo and I am here to recruit proctors for our exams.
OLD WOMAN 1:
Vhat's a proctor?
OLD MAN:
You don't know what a proctor is!?! He's the doctor who looks in your tooches
Oh… you mean like Dr. Weinstien
THEY ALL NOD
OLD WOMAN 2:
No, no. I'm looking for proctors. Basically, you monitor the students when they are taking their exams
JUDY:
OLD WOMAN 1:
Ohhhhh
OLD MAN:
I vonce had Dr. Weinstien give me a tooches exam
OLD WOMAN 3:
Do we get paid?
JUDY:
Well, we will give you $10 for the day and all the bagels and
Danishes you can eat.
OLD MAN:
Vhat kind of a school is this?
JUDY:
It's the Cardozo School of Law. It's part of Yeshiva University.
OLD WOMAN 2:
Oh, my son went to Yeshiva University…
SENIORS TRAIL OFF INTO DISCUSSION ABOUT WHERE THEIR KIDS WENT TO SCHOOL
OLD MAN:
Vait! Vait a second! You say Yeshiva University?
22

JUDY:
Yes.
You mean it's only boys?
OLD MAN:
JUDY:
No, no. It's a coed school. We have many young women there.
OLD MAN:
[Eyes light up]
I'm going!
EVERYONE PROCEEDS TO EXIT FROM STAGE LEFT.
STUDENTS ENTER FROM STAGE RIGHT AND TAKE THERE SEATS. STUDENTS CHATTER ABOUT HOW
NERVOUS THEY ARE ABOUT THEIR EXAM. PROCTORS NOW ENTER CARRYING BOXES OF EXAMS.
OLD WOMAN 1:
OK, everybody sit down. Can everyone hear me? If you can't hear me, raise your hand. We will start to hand out the Blue Books.
PROCTORS PROCEED TO AND OUT THE TEST MATERIALS. THEY BICKER OVER WHO DOES WHAT.
OLD WOMAN 1:
I will now read the rules of the exam. Welcome to your first year
Elements examination. If you are a graduating 3L or an LLM please indicate that on the outside of the test envelope. For the multiple choice portion of the test you must show all your work using a number 2 pencil. Calculators are allowed for the essay section.
NERVOUS FIRST YEAR STUDENT STARTS TO FREAK OUT.
OLD WOMAN 2:
You will have exactly 3 hours or until our lunch break to take the exam, whichever comes first.
OLD MAN:
Vait! Vhat time is lunch? My blood sugar is low
OLD WOMAN 2:
If you need more blue books please raise your hand and then come to the front of the room. And, remember don’t put your social security number on the exam. This is a closed book exam-
STUDENTS PROTEST THAT THE EXAM IS OPEN BOOK
OLD WOMAN 1:
It says here that the exam is closed book.
THE PROCTORS SHRUG THEIR SHOULDERS. ALL THE TEST MATERIALS ARE HANDED OUT
STUDENT 1:
I don't care what it says, I'm using my book
OLD MAN:
Before you begin the exam, we are going to test the coordination mit your hand and your brain. Copy the number from the upper right hand corner of your exam envelope to the line marked exam number in the middle of your exam envelope... Any questions?
23

STUDENT 2:
If we have to go to the bathroom what do we do?
OLD MAN:
Raise your hand and the proctor will take your test
STUDENT 2:
And they'll give it back when we come back
OLD MAN:
No, they're gonna rip it up.
STUDENT FAINTS.
Ok, you may begin.
STUDENTS WORK DILIGENTLY. A CONVERSATION BREAKS OUT BETWEEN THE PROCTORS.
OLD WOMAN 2:
Do you know if they took Esther Rosenblatt out of the home, she would love this job it is so easy.
OLD WOMAN 1:
I heard they told her they couldn’t accommodate her because of her oxygen tank, it realty is a shame – the prune Danish was delicious.
STUDENTS LOOKS UP AND SHAKE THEIR HEAD. OLD MAN FALLS ASLEEP AND WAKES UP.
OLD MAN:
Ladies, lets try to be serious, the students are working
THE OLD MAN TRIES HITTING ON A FEMALE STUDENT. A PROCTOR LOOKS AT THEIR WATCH.
OLD WOMAN 2:
Alright, pens down. The test is over.
THE STUDENTS HAND IN THEIR TESTS AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS IN DISGUST. THEY MUMBLE
ABOUT THE TALKING PROCTORS. WHITE COATED ASSISTANT RETURNS TO COLLECT PROCTORS.
ASSISTANT:
Ok, everyone it's time to go.
OLD WOMAN 1:
I got shotgun!
OLD WOMAN 2:
Oh, I can't wait to do this again in December.
OLD MAN:
[Running after them]
Wait! I still didn't get a good piece of tooches!
FADE TO BLACK. [SETUP FOR SCENE 9]
VIDEO CLIP 3
SOPRANOS
24

SCENE 9: SOPRANOS
HAND-WRITTEN SIGN ON WALL SAYS "BADA BING, LLP" THREE STUDENTS SIT NERVOUSLY
WAITING TO BE INTERVIEWED.
ONE:
Damn, I never should have gone to a second tier school. I’ll never get hired by Bada Bing.
TWO:
I read that they’re involved in some really cool pro bono work with low-income housing construction. I’m going to work for Greenpeace anyway. But they told me I should get some experience first.
ONE:
I already had an interview at school. Some guy in a really cheesy suit looked at my resume for, like, five seconds. He asked me if I knew who Antonio Scalia was. He was all totally friendly, but, like they didn’t even want to know my name.
CHRISTOPHER ENTERS. THEY ALL STAND.
CHRIS:
[To One]
You’re the guy from the Law School, right?
THREE:
As long as they pay, I’ll be happy. Whaddya think they’ll ask us?
ONE:
Yes, sir, we met last week at—
CHRIS:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got those books I asked you to bring?
ONE:
Oh, you mean these?
[Hands him a bunch of 'Law for Dummies' books]
CHRIS:
Excellent. Who are your friends?
ONE:
I don’t know. I think they go to my law school.
CHRIS:
Really?
LIKE A COP, HE FLIPS THEM AROUND AND FRISKS THEM
TWO:
What’s going on?
THREE:
Hey, here’s my slip!
[Tries to give Chris a piece of paper]
CHRIS:
Sorry. We’ve been having some problems lately with security. You know, post-911 SOP. You guys are lawyers, you’ll understand.
25

THEY ALL SIT
ONE:
Actually, we’re just first year—
CHRIS:
[His cell rings and he answers it]
Yo. Yeah, Tony, they’re here. Yeah, they’re wearing suits. Yeah.
Yeah. Will do.
[Clicks phone off]
So, the… head of the firm will be here in just a moment.
TWO:
Um, sir, was I supposed to bring anything? A resume?
ONE:
I’ve got a resume!
[Whips it out]
TONY ENTERS
CHRIS:
[Flipping through the books]
Nah, the boss don’t need no resume.
TONY:
These the guys from Columbia?
CHRIS:
Yeah, I think.
ONE:
Actually, we’re from Cardozo.
TONY:
Carbozo? What’s that?
TWO:
Cardozo School of Law. New York City.
TONY:
Hey Christopher, I said I wanted some sharp young ambulance chasers.
Meadow said, Columbia’s number four in the world. You give me
Carbozo?
ONE:
Cardozo, sir. He was a really important judge.
TONY:
Hey, judge this: Christopher, get rid of these Carbozoes and get me some Columbia guys.
TWO:
Cardozo is part of Yeshiva University, sir. It’s climbing up in the rankings.
TONY:
Yeshiva? You mean you guys are rabbis?
26

THREE:
No, the school is like, connected to Yeshiva. You don’t have to be
Jewish.
TONY:
[Thinking it over]
Jewish? Hey, Heshie always said, you wanna good lawyer, you gotta get yourself a Jew.
[Tony and Chris laugh]
Those Columbia guys are snobs anyway. Maybe these Carbozo guys are cheaper.
[Decisive]
Alright, Cardoza, show me whatcha got. We got some big legal problems here. It’s quiz time. Who’s first?
ONE:
I am, sir.
TONY:
OK. Now, Mr. A is cleaning his gun and accidentally and without malice shoots Mr. B in the chest with his pistol, putting Mr. B. in the ICU. What does Mr. B have on Mr. A?
ONE:
You mean, does Mr. B. have a cause of action against Mr. A?
[Tony impatiently nods]
Well, if Mr. A was exercising reasonable care under the circumstances, and if there was not an unreasonable risk of Mr. A shooting Mr. B, then Mr. A would not have committed an intentional act, i.e., assault and battery, and probably wouldn’t be liable for negligence.
TONY:
Very good.
[He motions to Chris to write all this down]
So, assuming this is all true, Mr. A gets off clean?
ONE:
Um. Yes.
TONY:
Now, can you say all that lawyer stuff in front of a judge?
[One nods, Tony smiles]
TWO:
But wait, if Mr. A. had his hand on the trigger, it could be found that he intended to act, and might be held liable. That’s the rule of Weaver v. Ward.
TONY:
[Suddenly very upset]
Number One, is this true?
ONE:
[Opens Torts for Dummies and finds the appropriate page]
Actually, that case happened four hundred years ago in England and bears little if any relevance in our current legal system. It’s merely used for illustrative and educational purposes.
27

TONY:
Christopher, I think Mr. Two needs to go to the little boys’ room.
TWO:
TONY:
Hypothetical shmypothetical. I wanna know if I’m gonna get sued. No wrong without a remedy. Out!
CHRISTOPHER DRAGS HIM AWAY AND FOR THE NEXT FEW MOMENTS BANGING AND GROANS OF
TWO ARE HEARD OFFSTAGE
Now, here’s another interesting dilemma. I’m walking down the street, and two guys are fighting. I raise my umbrella to break up the fight and whoops,
[Walks toward One and whacks him with umbrella] big accident . Who gets sued?
[Realizing what happens in the little boys’ room]
But wait, it’s only a hypothetical!
THREE:
Um, I mean, like he said before, if you were exercising reasonable care, you wouldn’t be liable .
[He anxiously grabs the Torts book]
Brown v. Kendall.
TONY:
What the hell does that mean?
THREE:
You might issue a verbal warning before you swing.
Like this? Hey watch out!
TONY:
[Tony does this, hitting One again]
THREE:
Yeah, you might also turn around before you swing.
[Tony does this as One is getting up]
TONY:
So, if I do all this, he can’t sue me?
THREE:
Well, he might sue you .
TONY GETS ANGRY
TONY SMILES
But, but, you could probably get it dismissed for failure to state a claim.
CHRISTOPHER RETURNS WITH TWO WHO'S HEAD IS BANDAGED, AND DROPS HIM ON THE SOFA
TONY:
Very good, I think we’ve got some promising lawyering going on here.
Now, Number Three. Let’s say I’m in waste management consulting, which I am incidentally, and you’ve been collecting garbage on an especially lucrative piece of real estate which technically belongs
28

to me. You have not paid me for this job. I am angry. It’s my garbage, my money, and I do not want you to collect what's mine.
[He now stands behind Three]
I want to tell you in the strongest possible terms that I do not want you to collect my garbage or my money. I also do not want to be sued for assault and battery. What might I do?
THREE:
[Standing]
You might tell me it’s a very bad idea for me to take your garbage, that if I keep doing it, something bad might happen to me, that my tires might get slashed or I might get hurt at some unspecified time. But if you don’t make an actual threat, it’s not assault.
TONY:
Very good. Chris, you taking this down?
ONE:
But you might be liable for intentional infliction of emotional distress, if your behavior was outrageous, and if he suffered physical symptoms as a result of it.
TONY:
Intentional what?
ONE:
Infliction of emotional distress. That’s the Siliznoff rule. Juries are giving out big awards for it these days.
TONY:
Is this true, number Three?
THREE IS NOW CRINGING, AND AS HE NODS AND TRIES TO SIT, TONY PULLS THE CHAIR
AWAY AND THREE HITS THE GROUND HARD
Hey, Cardoza, your buddy couldn’t seem to find his chair. He’s suffering some physical symptoms. Can he sue me for that?
ONE:
Actually, according to Garratt v. Dailey, if you were substantially certain that he would attempt to sit where the chair had been, you had intent to cause offensive contact, and therefore he can sue you.
TWO:
But Garratt used an overbroad definition of intent. Most courts hold that you have to be substantially certain of offensive or harmful contact.
TONY:
Chris, take Number One to my office and show him some offensive or harmful contact.
ONE:
But it’s still a battery!
CHRIS TAKES HIM AWAY, MORE SOUNDS OF BANGING AND SCREAMING; AFTER A MOMENT,
CHRIS RETURNS ALONE
29

TONY:
Now, one last question. I’m having some lunch at work, and I see a work associate sitting nearby. I want to give my chum a friendly, unsolicited hug ,
[He hugs Two, who suffers immediate paralysis of the left side of his face] and he suffers an extremely painful injury. Can he sue me for something so ridiculous?
THREE:
[Pissing in his pants now]
Um, for negligence. Spivey v. Battaglia.
TONY:
Spivey vee! Hey, Chris, I think Mr. Three is about to experience some unforeseeable consequences.
CHRIS:
[As he drags Three away]
Yeah, we’re blasting next door for the new shopping center. There’s lots of ultra-hazardous activity going on over there.
[He winks]
THREE:
But there’s strict liability! Spano v. Perini!!!
CHRIS:
Not if they don’t find no evidence.
[He pushes Three out the door]
ONE CRAWLS BACK IN, PICKS UP HIS RESUME, AND CRAWLS OUT THE DOOR. TONY WALKS TO
NUMBER TWO, GIVES HIM A BIG BEAR HUG.
TONY:
Hey Paizan! Smile, you got yourself a job!
TWO SMILES A HALF-PARALYZED SMILE.
FADE TO BLACK.
[SETUP FOR SCENE 11]
30

SCENE 10: TORTS WITH PROFESSOR STEIN
PROFESSOR STEIN WALKS OUT TO STAGE LEFT IN THE SPOTLIGHT.
PROFESSOR STEIN:
[With a heavy Israeli accent]
Eh, hello, my name is eh, Professor Stein and eh, I am from Israel, and in dis class, eh, I teach 'toarts' . Is it clear? Very good!
Now, eh, does anyone here have any thoughts... about 'toarts' ? Okay!
So, let's take eh, an exemple--the case of Ms. Svenson. Now this is a very important case to the Law of 'Toarts' . Who can tell me the facts of this case?
PAUSES, LOOKS EXPECTANTLY INTO THE AUDIENCE.
Ah, no, you see this case is not in your casebook.
Okay, so I will tell you. Eh, Ms. Svenson is having some breakfast.
And for breakfast, she is having toast ['toarts'] . Is it clear?
PAUSES, LOOKS INTO THE AUDIENCE.
Because eh, you know, some people, for breakfast, have bagels; other people have toast! And this is very important to the Law of Toast!
Now, this toast was too hot, and Ms. Svenson burnt her hand, and dropped the toast on her... toes ['toarts'] . Is it clear? Because this is very important to the Law of Toes ['toarts'] !
Now, Ms. Svenson had made a prior agreement with the manufacturer that there would be no liability for toast. So we have to ask: is there dis-agreement... about dis-agreement? Because if there is not dis-agreement about dis- agreement, then why is there dis-agreement?
You see? This is a very ingenious argument and this is why it's so important in the Law of 'Toarts' !
Now the last part is that Ms. Svenson as she burns her toes, on the toast, she jumps and lands on her son's pet. Now this pet, it's not a dog, it's not a frog.
It's eh... toad! Is it clear? Right, because this is the law of
Toads! ['toarts']
So now you understand the very famous case of Ms. Svenson and the toast, and the toes, and the toad and disagreement about this agreement. Is it clear? Very good! See you next time!
FADE TO BLACK.
31

SCENE 11: THE DATING GAME
SINCE SCENE 10 REQUIRED NO PROPS OR SCENERY, THE DATING GAME SET HAS BEEN SET UP
ALREADY. FOUR STOOLS, THREE ON ONE SIDE OF A PARTITION, ONE ON THE OTHER.
THE DATING GAME THEME PLAYS.
V.O.:
It's the Dating Game! Now here’s your host, Guy Smiley!
HOST COMES BOUNDING OUT ON STAGE WITH HANDHELD MIC.
HOST:
Hello and welcome to this very special edition of The Dating Game.
We're coming to you live from the lovely third floor lounge of the
Benjamin N. Cardozo School of Law in downtown New York where we're going to try and help some of Cardozo’s finest faculty find love.
Let's get to know our bachelorettes a little better
EACH "PROF" TAKES HER SEAT AFTER SHE IS INTRODUCED
Our first bachlorette teaches property, trusts and estates, and evidence. Her turns on include the UPC, adverse possession, and receiving gifts that violate the rule against perpetuities. Please give a big dating game welcome to Melanie Leslie.
Our second bachlorette hails from ******. She teaches civil procedure, evidence and professional responsibility. She enjoys long walks on the beach, personal jurisdiction, excessive legal fees, and telling semi-pointless stories about her mother, father, sister and rabbi. Please give a big dating game welcome to Aviva Orenstein.
Our third bachlorette teaches criminal procedure, international law, and advanced criminal procedure. Her turn-ons include teaching via the Socratic method, one sentence propositions, and tapping a piece of chalk on the chalk board to get her students attention. Please give a big dating game welcome to Malvina Halberstam.
Thank you all for joining us this evening ladies. Now let’s bring out this evening's eligible bachelor.
He teaches property, copyright, trusts and estates and conflicts of laws and is one of Cardozo’s most eligible professors. When asked about the quality he was looking for most in a women he answered unequivocally, “She must be able to appreciate all the wonders that the word 'suppose' brings to the English language." Please welcome
Stewart Sterk.
"STERK" COMES OUT AND TAKES HIS SEAT.
Hey Stu, why don't we get started.
STERK:
Bachlorette number 1– lets start with a hypothetical - suppose we went on a date, were should we go to have fun.
LESLIE:
Well of course we would go down to the Jersey shore for a cup of ice cream at Dorcus’- who name's their daughter Dorcus? A long walk on
32

the boardwalk would let us get better acquainted and maybe if all the testamentary formalities are in place, I'd let you overcome my will.
STERK:
Same facts, same question bachlorette number 3
HALBERSTAM:
When I was in the DA’s office I always planned my dates at the spur of the moment. All I can promise now is that, if you are lucky, I would conclude the evening with a lecture about the constitutional arguments in favor of the fourth amendment’s seizure provision. If things go well, I may perform a protective sweep over your body.
STERK:
Same question bachlorette number 2
ORENSTEIN:
Well that’s a very good question. I would start out by introducing you to my family then maybe we would pick my son up from Hebrew
School and then go to a nice romantic dinner. If we are having a good time I would file the proper papers with a court of competent jurisdiction to get our date removed from the restaurant to my bedroom.
STERK:
Bachelorette number 3, tell me a funny story.
HALBERSTAM:
Well there was this court in Connecticut and it was called the
Supreme Court of Errors, but when I was clerking in the Southern
District, we called it the Court of Supreme Court errors. Get it.
STERK:
Bachlorette number 1, what is your most interesting physical trait.
LESLIE:
Most but some people say that it is my fee tail and I know that you would not be disappointed.
STERK:
Bachlorette number 2, if you had to define yourself in one word, what would it be and why?
ORENSTEIN:
Heresay, because I want the man that I am with to hear everything I say.
HOST:
Well it looks like our question and answer period is over. Prof.
Sterk, it is time to choose, will it be bachloette number 1, 2 or 3.
STERK:
Well Guy, this is very hard choice because all of the ladies seem special in their own ways. However, there is something unique about one of the bachlorettes, her answers were clear and deliberate. I like that in a women – someone who will take the time to find the exact language she is looking for, even if she waste valuable class time doing it. Therefore, I am going to pick bachlorette number 3.
33

HOST:
Well, before we meet the lovely bachelorette you chose, let's meet the ones you didn't choose.
She's was your "teaching assistant" as a student. It's Melanie
Leslie...
*******. Say hello to Aviva Orenstein...
And now... here she is, your date and possible true love, Malvina
Halberstam
HALBERSTAM COMES OUT FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CURTAIN. STERK LOOKS HORRIFIED,
HALBERSTAM LOOKS HUNGRY WITH PASSION
HOST:
In order for our new couple to get better acquainted, we at the dating game will be providing the professors with a romantic dinner for two at the Village Crown.
We hope that this is only the beginning of a relationship that produces many hypotheticals that contain one sentence propositions of law.
Thank you-
BEFORE THE HOST CAN FINISH, HALBERSTAM PICKS UP STERK AND RUNS OFF WITH HIM.
HOST:
[Running after them]
Wait, the shows not over yet!!!
FADE TO BLACK.
VIDEO CLIP 4
THE REAL WORLD
[SETUP FOR SCENE 13]
34

SCENE 12 : MIDWEEK UPDATE
STAGE IS SET WITH DESK AND MAP OF THE WORLD?
MIDWEEK UPDATE VIDEO INTRO PLAYS ON THE TV SCREENS. LIGHTS FADE UP.
ANCHOR:
Good evening, tonight we’ll take you live to Afghanistan for a look a Cardozo’s new study abroad program and investigative reporter John
Stockel will take a look at the mystery of Sterk’s ties.
But first... headlines!
US News and World Reports has released their new rankings and
Cardozo is in tier one... Oh wait no, sorry that’s Columbia.
We attempted to reach the administration for a comment but when we called 411 to get the number they had never heard of the school.
When we finally reached the school, the principal of Cardozo said
“STOP CALLING – this high school has nothing to do with your law school”
Students will be happy to know that Cardozo is still rated 4 th amongst all law schools in Manhattan.
It's that time of year again, when young Cardozo minds turn ystudents are starting to get ready for fianls
This year’s Orientation featured guest speaker former Mayor Ed Koch.
We asked Mr. Koch what his affiliation to the school was and he said
“School? I thought this was an AARP conference, where’s my agent?”
We tried to find a student to comment on the quality of Mr. Koch’s speech but everyone we spoke to had fallen asleep during Dean
Rudenstine’s introduction and thus missed the actual speech.
STAGEHAND RUNS ON AND HANDS ANCHOR SHEET OF PAPER
This just in, DNA analysis conducted by Barry Scheck’s Innocence
Project has confirmed that Professor Yablon is in fact a teddy bear.
The project has yet to confirm that Barry Scheck actually exists.
Construction continues unabated at the Benjamin N. Cardozo School of
Law, and the new lobby and library are expected to be a boon for the
30 year old facility. Here for an update on the construction's progress is Midweek Update correspondent Josh Glick
CORRESPONDENT COMES ON TO THE STAGE.
CORRESPONDENT:
O Where, O Where is the new lobby?
O Where, O Where can it be?
They said it’d be done in September.
And now it’s January.
CORRESPONDENT LEAVES.
Thank you Josh.
35

The Environmental Law Society has welcomed the construction, seeing it as a great opportunity to study the effects of asbestos contamination and lead poisoning on students' performance.
In other news,
Rumors have been circulating around the school about what has happened at a recent SBA meeting. Here to clear everything up for us is SBA president Jaye Seidlin
CORRESPONDANT:
Thanks Dave. Many of you have probably heard all sorts of stories about what goes on behind closed doors at the SBA meetings.
ANCHOR:
Today was a beautiful day at Cardozo but let's turn to Mike Glasser to see how the rest of the week looks.
WEATHER GUY:
Thanks, Dave. Today was a cold one with temperature’s reaching 60° on the 4 th floor. There's a warm front moving down from the 11 th floor, but its taking the elevator so Bernie should dress warmly for the next few days.
There is a localized hot spot near the 6 th floor production services.
Smog warnings are in effect in room 204 and there have been reports of precipitation in the front row of 423 but in a Revue News exclusive we have determined its just Brickman’s spit.
We'll have your 5 day forecast in a bit. Back to you Dave.
ANCHOR:
Just a reminder that tonight's broadcast is being brought to you by
Cardozo. Cardozo –it's our faculty that makes us special. Just look how many of them have been hired by other schools.
[Touches ear as if listening to his earphone]
Wait just a second... What's that... I'm getting a ringing sound in my ear... and now it's gone.
In other news, there's been an pile up in the staircase near the fourth floor. Let's go out live to Mike for the latest.
TRAFFIC GUY IS ON TV. HE'S STANDING IN A STAIRWELL CRAMMED WITH PEOPLE.
TRAFFIC GUY:
I have two words for you Dave, total and complete chaos. There seem to be students from all over the building trying to get to their classes and they all seem to be using the stairs. I've been here for nearly an hour, and I haven't seen any movement.
ANCHOR:
Why aren't people taking the elevators?
TRAFFIC GUY:
What have you been smoking, Dave?
ANCHOR:
Do you have any indication on how this got started?
36

TRAFFIC GUY:
Well initial reports are sketchy, but we believe that the backup occurred when some students who were late to class ran into a wet paint sign as a group of charging 1L's were coming down from their lockers on the 9 th floor.
ANCHOR:
Thanks for the update. Let’s go back to weather for your Legalines 5
Day Forecast. Legalines – when you don’t have time to read.
WEATHER GUY:
Well, it’s shaping up to be a beautiful week, Dave. There are 3
Jewish holidays this week, so both Monday and Tuesday are Wednesday schedules. Thursday is actually a Sunday and Friday can’t come quick enough. Dave.
ANCHOR:
Ok we now have the results of our on-line poll this evening –
99% of Cardozo grads would take a job as a cashier at McDonalds if they could get an offer
Until next time, I'm Dave Gross, and I don't go to class!
FADE TO BLACK.
[SETUP FOR SCENE 14 & 15]
37

SCENE 13: POETRY CORNER
SAME SETTING AS BEFORE.
SULTRY V.O.:
And now it's time for another Law Revue poetry corner
POET:
There once was a time
When I like to read books,
Journals, Newspapers & Magazines
About improving my looks.
But this damn casebook
It bores me to sleep.
Most nights, it works better
Than counting sheep!
I wish I could torch it,
Saw it in half
Rip it apart
And stand there and laugh
But then I remember, how much I paid.
So I put down the scissors
The knife and the blade
And I open the book, as calm as can be
And I beat my head against it
To the count of three!
And you all say...
[Signals to audience to get them to join in]
Wait! [Audience repeats]
Don’t you know?! [Audience repeats]
Osmosis won’t work?! [Audience repeats]
And I say: Yes, but who cares? I’m going beserk!
I’m ready to cry,
I’m really hysterical.
To save me from this,
Would take a miracle!
But what's this? LEGALINES!
Oh, joy let’s see.
Why someone has briefed
All the cases for me.
Now I can go back to reading the Times
And stop reciting,
These silly rhymes.
SULTRY V.O.:
This has been another Law Revue poetry corner
FADE TO BLACK.
38

SCENE 14: TRASHY TALK SHOW
THREE CHAIRS ARE ON STAGE. SEATED IN ON OF THEM IS NIKKI. THE HOST IS STANDING.
LIGHTS FADE UP.
HOST:
Welcome Everyone. Thank you for joining us today. Today we are going to confront an issue pleading our law school to day. Our guests are here today to tell their stories about the “The outline I lost, At a great big cost”. Our First guest is Nikki. Nikki welcome to the show.
NIKKI:
Hi ******.
HOST:
Now you are a student of law
NIKKI:
Yeah, I go to Cardozo
HOST:
And now tell us what happened last May
Well, I was in a civil procedure class and I formed a study group with a couple of students in my class
NIKKI:
HOST:
Did you meet often?
We met about 1 or 2 times a week. Anyway exam time cam and we decided that we could all get together and form a joint outline.
NIKKI:
HOST:
Now is this often done?
NIKKI:
Well people said it was a good thing to do
HOST:
Then what happened nick?
NIKKI BEGINS TO CRY
HOST:
I know this is very difficult for you…
NIKKI:
I know well… I worked on my section and finished it and so did the rest of the people in my group…. and I volunteered to print out the outline for everyone
HOST:
So you were in charge of the final print out
NIKKI:
39

Yes. And well… I was working on the 6 th floor of the library because those were the only computers working and I went to print I made 7 copies and… well while it was printing I went to use my cell phone
HOST:
You use the cell phone in the library
NIKKI:
Yeah, at Cardozo everyone uses cell phones in the library there’s perfect reception. And well when I came back to my computer I went to get the print outs and well… one was missing!!!
THE AUDIENCE GASPS
HOST:
Someone stole the group outline
NIKKI:
Yes
HOST:
Wait we have a question over here. Yes.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1:
Yeah, this is a question for the girl on the right… Was there anyone in the room with you?
NIKKI:
No, the sixth floor was empty. That's why I went down there
HOST:
Nikki I can tell that this has been a very traumatic expertise and you have been hurt by it
NIKKI:
Yes. My group wont talk to me, No one will work with me, I got a C in the class which threw off the curve so I didn’t get a job… and no one wants to talk to me or lend me any materials, notes nothing…
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2:
Well hi *****, I was in her study group
HOST:
Oh, so you were in the civil procedure group
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2:
[Aggressively]
Yes. And you have to understand Cardozo… We have a code of ethics.
You work in a group you take care of the materials. We worked all year for that outline… I even had annotations to UCC.
NIKKI:
Oh, bite me! You and your stupid UCC! Your such a freak; it was civil procedure not contracts!
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2:
Ho! You want me to come down there so you can tell me that…
AUDIENCE MEMBER APPROACHES THE STAGE, BUT SECURITY GUARD HOLDS HIM BACK
40

HOST:
Well I guess the question that we all are having right now is who took the outline?
I don’t know who took it…
NIKKI:
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh no… who could that be?
HOST:
GIRL WALKS IN WITH A SUIT ON
LAQUISHA:
Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyaaaaaayyyyyy
HOST:
Hello there. And who are you?
LAQUISHA:
Hey *****, where you at?
HOST:
I'm over here
LAQUISHA:
Wassup girlfriend!
HOST:
Hey, what’s the situation here? Did you take the outline?
LAQUISHA:
You know I did. And I got an A!!
THE AUDIENCE BOOS
LAQUISHA:
[Standing up]
Oh be quiet you would do it too… You all just haters!
HOST:
But Laquisha, you took someone else’s work
LAQUISHA:
Yeah, well its all good. This is a dog eat dog world… dawg! Don't be comin' up here all crying with your tears in my face. Girl you snooze you loose, you snooze you loose!!
HOST:
So Laquisha, you have no remorse at all
LAQUISHA:
No! This is law school! This is Cardozo! How you going to be a lawyer if you cant keep control over your own work product!!
HOST:
Nikki do you have anything to say to Laquisha?
NIKKI:
41

Yes. I just can’t believe you took my outline! I didn’t make law review because of you…
LAQUISHA:
On no you wou'nt! You weren’t going to make law review anyway with your C in elements
THE AUDIENCE IS AGHAST
NIKKI:
I would too!
Girl you talking smack!
LAQUISHA:
[she stands up and talks to the audience]
Look at me and look at you… Look at me and look at you… I got the suit and you got the boot!
NIKKI:
Talk to the hand….
HOST:
We can all see your in a suit…
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2:
I have a question for the girl in the suit. Girl, why you got to wear your suit all day, like we know you got an interview!
THE AUDIENCE AGREES
LAQUISHA:
Hey, I worked hard for my Jizzo Dizzo. You better reco'nize!
HOST:
Your "Jizzo Dizzo"?
LAQUISHA:
Yeah, my J.D.!
NIKKI:
Well you'll never get a job in that short a skirt.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 3:
I tell you what kind of job she can get!
THE AUDIENCE GOES WILD
LAQUISHA:
Beeeatch!
NIKKI:
Hussy!
FIGHT BREAKS OUT, CHAIRS FLY
HOST:
Ladies, ladies! Please this is not the SBA!
HOST WALKS TO CENTER STAGE TO DELIVER HIS CLOSING THOUGHTS. THE FIGHT CONTINUES
BEHIND HIM IN SILENCE.
42

Before we leave today, I'd like to leave you with this thought. Your fellow students are your friends and one day they will be your legal colleagues. Respect them and respect their work, and you'll always be better off... Awww who am I kidding, get your hands on any MoFo's outline you can.
HOST SHRUGS, TURNS AROUND AND JOINS THE BRAWL
FADE TO BLACK.
[REARRANGE CHAIRS FOR SCENE 15]
43

SCENE 15 : SEINFELD
LIGHTS FADE UP TO REVEAL THE SAME SEINFELD CAST FROM LAST SHOW MINUS ELAINE.
V.O.:
Last time on Seinfeld...
KRAMER:
Beams, Jerry, beams!
JERRY:
Hey George, Kramer is going to law school
GEORGE:
That’s great; you don’t really want to be a lawyer right.
KRAMER:
No
GEORGE:
You don’t do any work right?
KRAMER:
No
GEORGE:
Jerry, do you know what the girls are like in law school, their beautiful, Jerry, beautiful! Cardozo, right?
KRAMER:
Yup
GEORGE:
Sit behind the beams?
KRAMER:
Yup
GEORGE:
Wow. Wow, that’s great... the girls, their great!
KRAMER:
And you would be a king there George, short, bald, Jewish men, they love that there, absolutely love that George
GEORGE:
I’m going, that’s it, I’m going! Can I get in?
KRAMER:
Can you get in? They take anyone!
FADE TO BLACK. JERRY AND KRAMER EXIT. GEORGE IS WATCHING TV.
SEINFELD MUSIC PLAYS. LIGHTS FADE UP. JERRY ENTERS.
JERRY:
What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in class?
GEORGE:
Yeah, I’m cutting
44

JERRY:
You’re cutting class? What are you a teenager?
GEORGE:
I never go to class, I got it all figured out Jerry. He he. I’ll just get the outlines from Kramer before the test. Yup, ehhh, law school is pretty easy
JERRY:
How would you know? You never go... and by the way, you're going to trust Kramer's outlines? He has trouble putting together a sentence.
GEORGE:
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. There not Kramer's outlines. He get um from a girl who is very smart
KRAMER ENTERS
KRAMER:
Hey. Hey. You Got a can opener?
JERRY:
Yeah in the kitchen
KRAMER:
George... why aren't you in class? We got finals coming up
GEORGE:
Well, you're gonna get me those outlines, right?
KRAMER:
Ahhh, sorry. No can do.
GEORGE:
[Starting to freak]
What do you mean, no can do!?!
KRAMER:
You can’t have em
GEORGE:
Why not, you said I could have them
KRAMER:
Yeah, but now I see how much work they are
JERRY:
I thought you got them from some girl
KRAMER:
Yeah. And she did a lot of work
GEORGE:
Kramer, I need those outlines, you gotta give em to me, you gotta
KRAMER:
I'd like to help you little buddy. You got a problem.
45

JERRY:
C'mon Kramer, couldn't you just help him out a little. It's just an outline.
KRAMER:
[Grabs counter from level of shock]
Just an outline! Just an outline! Jerry, do you realize the power inherent in a simple outline. It boggles the mind!
GEORGE:
[Fuming mad]
I don’t believe this, a lot of work. Wait a second, you think I am going to do better than you on the test
KRAMER:
What's with you man. I spent a lot of time on those outlines
JERRY:
You mean you spent a lot of time getting somebody else’s outline
KRAMER:
You’ve got to put in the time George, you’ve gotta, otherwise your never gonna learn
GEORGE:
Do you believe this guy! What am I going to do? I’m going to fail!
46