THUNDER--1
CAPTAIN THUNDER AND THE ISOLATION BOOTH OF
TERROR
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE—SOMEWHERE IN THE BAVARIAN ALPS
[BACKGROUND MUSIC: GERMAN MARCH]
NARRATOR
OUR STORY OPENS, SOMEWHERE DEEP WITHIN THE BAVARIAN ALPS, WHERE THE MONSTROUS
RULER OF THE RUTHLESS NAZI EMPIRE, ADOLPH HITLER HIMSELF, CONFRONTS THE EVIL
MASTERMIND, BARON VON BRAINS.
HITLER
SO, BARON. SO GOOD OF YOU COME. PLEASE BE SEATED. NO, NOT IN THAT GOOD CHAIR. IN
THIS SHABBY, ROTTING, READY-TO-FALL APART BAR STOOL.
BARON
AS ALWAYS, MEIN FUEHRER, YOU ARE THE GRACIOUS HOST.
HITLER
SO, YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SWINE MUD, WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO, EH?
BARON
OH, THE USUAL. JUST DOING MY PART TO DRAG THE DECADENT DEMOCRACIES TO THEIR
KNEES, WITH MY USUAL MIX OF MY EVIL NATURE AND MY CUNNING SUPER GENIUS.
HITLER
GOOD, GOOD. WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK? YOU WOULD? GOERING, YOU FAT
BLITHERING IDIOT! GET THE BARON SOME SWAMP OIL!!
GOERING
AT ONCE, MEIN FUEHRER!!! AND, MAY I SAY, THAT BLACK SUIT YOU ARE WEARING MATCHES
EXCELLENTLY THE WICKED GLINT IN YOUR DULL BROWN EYES.
HITLER
YOU’RE TOO KIND, FIELD MARSHALL. AND TOO STUPID!!! THIS SUIT COLOR ISN’T BLACK, IT’S
CALLED “RAVEN CHARCOAL.”
GOERING
YES, OF COURSE, IT IS, MEIN FUEHRER, I SEE IT NOW, YES, YOU’RE RIGHT, OH, IT IS SO PRETTY.
SO BECOMING A FUTURE MASTER OF THE HUMAN RACE.
THUNDER--2
HITLER
THAT’S MORE LIKE IT. NOW, GET OUT OF HERE! GO BLITZKRIEG THE HECK OUT OF SOMEBODY!!
GOERING
AT ONCE, MEIN FUEHRER!! OH, GOEBBELS, WHERE ARE YOU-U-U? I HAVE THE LITTLE SURPRISE
FOR YOU!
HITLER
WHAT A MAROON! NOW, WHERE WAS I?
BARON
YOU WERE ABOUT TO CONFER UPON ME, MEIN FUEHRER, THE HIGHEST NAZI HONOR, THE
TRIPLE CROSS!
HITLER
I WAS?? HMMM, OKEY-DOKEY, FOR MERITIOUS ACTIONS AGAINST WICKED WITCHES, I CONFER
UPON YOU, THE TRIPLE CROSS. HEY, WAIT JUST A SIEG-HEILING MINUTE, THERE, THAT’S NOT
WHY YOU’RE HERE.
BARON
IT’S NOT?
HITLER
NEIN!!! EVEN TEN!!! I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GIVE YOU SUCH A SMACKING BECAUSE YOU AIN’T
DONE NOTHING GOOD ABOUT DESTROYING THOSE GOSH-DARNED AMERICANS.
BARON
BUT, FOR CRYING OUT IN THE BUCKET, AND GEE WHIZ, IT’S NOT BEEN SOME KIND OF EASY,
YOU KNOW, JUST GENIUS ME AGAINST 150 MILLION GOODY-GOODY FREEDOM LOVING GUYS.
HITLER
FORGET THOSE 150 MILLION! I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU BEEN DOING AGAINST JUST
ONE AMERICAN. NAMELY, THAT SUPER-HERO BLUNDERING FOOL, CAPTAIN THUNDER!!!
BARON
(GLUMLY) I WAS WONDERING WHEN YOU WERE GOING TO MENTION HIM.
HITLER
OUR GLORIOUS NAZI SCIENTISTS HAVE DETERMINED THAT CAPTAIN THUNDER HAS THE
INTELLIGENCE OF SOGGY SAUERKRAUT. YET, YOU, THE MOST BRAINY NAZI IN THE WHOLE
GOSH-DARNED THIRD REICH, HAVE LOST TO HIM TIME AND TIME AGAIN.
BARON
YEAH, WELL, THERE’S THAT.
HITLER
SO, HOW COME, SMART GUY?
THUNDER--3
BARON
WELL, YOU KNOW, ADOLPH, CAN I CALL YOU ADOLPH?
HITLER
NO.
BARON
ALL RIGHT, THEN, MEIN FUHERER, IT’S LIKE THIS. WHEN IT’S JUST ME AND HIM, MANO-ASUPERHERO, HE DON’T HAVE NO CHANCE. MY FIENDISH GENIUS AND MASTERFUL SNEAKINESS
ALWAYS OVERPOWERS HIM. BUT ALL HIS FRIENDS, THAT STUPID LUXEMBOURGIAN SIDEKICK,
THAT STUPID WACKY PARROT, EVEN A STUPID RELATIVE OR TWO, THEY BAIL HIM OUT.
HITLER
IS THAT SO?
BARON
YAH! THAT IS SO.
HITLER
WELL, THEN, THE ANSWER IS AS OBVIOUS AS THE MOUSTACHE ON MY FACE.
BARON
IT IS?
HITLER
JAH-VOLE. JUST GET HIM ALONE, ALL BY HIMSELF, ALL BY HIS LITTLE LONESOME. THEN YOU
SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET HIM SO KAPUT, IT WON’T BE FUNNY.
BARON
ALL BY HIMSELF? OF COURSE! BUT CAPTAIN THUNDER ALWAYS TRAVELS WITH HIS GOODYGOODY BUDDIES. HOW CAN I GET HIM ALL BY HIS LONESOME?
HITLER
YOU’RE THE GENIUS, YOU FIGURE IT OUT. NOW, I’VE GOT TO GO WALK THE DOG. GET OUT OF
HERE. GO WAKE UP IN ALCATRAZ.
BARON
OF COURSE, MEIN FUHERER, I’LL JUST MOSEY ALONG AND . . . WAIT A SECOND, WHAT DID YOU
MEAN, “WAKE UP IN ALCATRAZ?” AIN’T I HERE WITH YOU IN GERMANY?
HITLER
OF COURSE NOT, SMART GUY. YOU’RE DREAMING.
BARON
I AM?
THUNDER--4
HITLER
OF COURSE YOU ARE, YOU STUPID STRUDEL. YOU’RE IN ALCATRAZ PRISON, WHERE THAT
SUPER-HERO GUY PUT YOU. SO, WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP . . . .
SOUNDS OF HARP MUSIC. HITLER’S SPEECH MERGES INTO A GUARD’S ROUGH SPEECH.
FIRST GUARD (WHO LOOKS A LOT LIKE HITLER)
. . . WAKE UP, WAKE UP, SMART GUY. WAKE UP.
SECOND GUARD (WHO LOOKS A LOT LIKE GOERING)
YEAH. WAKE UP. IT’S SIX O’CLOCK. TIME FOR BREAKFAST.
BARON
WHAT? WHAT TH--? WHY, IT WAS JUST A DREAM. I WAS BACK IN GERMANY. AND YOU WERE
THERE. AND YOU WERE, TOO.
FIRST GUARD
SURE WE WERE. WEREN’T WE, BERT? WE WAS ALL TOGETHER, IN BIG, BAD GERMANY.
BERT
YEAH, WE WAS, ERNIE. WE WAS ALL HAVING OUR MORNING SAUERKRAUT AND STRUDEL WITH
MISTER ADOLPH HITLER HIMSELF.
BARON
YES, YES, WE WERE. OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I KNOW SAUERKRAUT AND STRUDEL WERE IN
THE DREAM. AND ADOLPH, TOO. FUNNY, IT’S HARD TO REMEMBER, NOW. BUT THERE WAS
SOMETHING IN IT. SOMETHING ABOUT CAPTAIN THUNDER.
ERNIE
OH, YOU’RE MORE LOONY THAN EVER. CAPTAIN THUNDER, AMERICA’S FOREMOST SUPERHERO,
IS MUCH TOO BUSY TO BE ANY OL’ NAZI’S DREAM. RIGHT, BERT?
BERT
THAT’S RIGHT, ERNIE. IF HE’S IN ANYBODY’S DREAM, HE’S TELLING THEM TO BUY WAR BONDS.
OR SAVE SCRAP METAL. SO WE CAN ALL DO OUR PART TO HELP OUR BOYS, OVER THERE, AND
WIN THIS GOSH DARN WORLD WAR TWO.
ERNIE
YOU’RE RIGHT ON THE MONEY, THERE, BERT. WE DIDN’T START THIS WAR BUT WE’RE SURE AS
HECK GONNA TO FINISH IT. FOR TRUTH, JUSTICE AND THE AMERICAN WAY! (APPLAUSE)
BARON
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THE IDIOTIC AMERICAN PATRIOTIC INTERLUDES. AM I
GOING TO GET OUT FOR MY BREAKFAST OR NOT?
BERT
NOPE. ANYONE WHO BAD MOUTHS THE GOOD OL’ USA LIKE YOU JUST DID DOESN’T DESERVE
MINGLING WITH THE OTHER PRISONERS. YOU’D BE A BAD INFLUENCE.
THUNDER--5
BARON
BEING A BAD INFLUENCE IS MY CHILDHOOD DREAM.
ERNIE
YOU CAN JUST HAVE YOUR BREAKFAST HERE IN YOUR CELL. ALL BY YOURSELF. AND, IF YOU
NEED COMPANY, HERE, HAVE A PIN-UP PICTURE OF CAPTAIN THUNDER. I JUST HAPPENED TO
HAVE IT WITH ME, ALONG WITH YOUR BREAKFAST TRAY. SO THE TWO OF YOU CAN BE ALONE
WITH EACH OTHER. ALL BY YOURSELF. TOODLE-OO, BARON.
(BERT AND ERNIE EXIT)
BARON
YEAH, YEAH, I GET IT. JUST ME AND CAPTAIN THUNDER, ALL BY OURSELVES. ALL BY OURSELVES.
OH, IF I COULD JUST GET CAPTAIN THUNDER ALONE, I’D SHOW HIM A THING OR THREE, WHY,
I’D . . .HEY, WAIT JUST A GOOSE-STEPPING MINUTE, THERE. THAT’S WHAT MY DREAM WAS
ABOUT. MEIN FUEHRER TOLD ME THAT TO DESTROY CAPTAIN THUNDER, I JUST HAVE TO BE
ALONE WITH HIM. MANO-A-SUPERHERO. OF COURSE, IT’S SO SIMPLE. SO ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
GET THE HECK OUT OF THIS MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON CELL, SWIM ACROSS THE ICY WATERS
OF SAN FRANCISCO BAY, LURE THE GOODY-GOODY CAPTAIN THUNDER TO A SECLUDED
ISOLATED PLACE, AND DESTROY HIM QUICKER THAN YOU CAN SAY, ‘SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER.’
WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT BEFORE? IT WILL BE AS SIMPLE AS CROSSING THE ENGLISH
CHANNEL. OH, WAIT A MINUTE, MAYBE NOT THAT SIMPLE. I BETTER PUT MY THINKING CAP ON.
I NEED A SUPER-DUPER PLAN.
SCENE TWO
NARRATOR
MEANWHILE, BACK IN HARMONY COVE, CAPTAIN THUNDER’S HOME CITY, EVENTS ARE IN
MOTION THAT WILL PROVE TO BE CRITICAL TO THE SURVIVAL OF OUR FAMED SUPER HERO.
AND FOR AMERICA, ITSELF. IT STARTS INNOCENTLY ENOUGH. JUST A SIMPLE BANK ROBBERY BY
THAT NEFARIOUS FEMALE VILLIAN, AUNTIE FREEZE, AND HER RUTHLESS GANG OF RELATIVES.
AUNTIE FREEZE
YOU HEARD ME!!! HAND OVER ALL THE MONEY, MISTER BANK TELLER, AND NOBODY GETS
HURT! MUCH.
BANK TELLER
I HEARD YOU, AUNTIE FREEZE. I JUST DIDN’T BELIEVE YOU. WITH CAPTAIN THUNDER IN TOWN,
NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD TRY TO HOLD UP A BANK HERE IN HARMONY COVE.
AUNTIE FREEZE
WHO SAYS I’M IN MY RIGHT MIND?
FIRST NEPHEW
YEAH. APOLOGIZE TO MY AUNTIE, MISTER, OR YOUSE BE GETTING A FAT LIP.
BANK TELLER
THUNDER--6
OH, MY GOODNESS ME, I CERTAINLY DIDN’T MEAN TO IMPLY THAT SHE WERE A SANE AND AN
UPSTANDING CITIZEN. I WAS MERELY STATING THE PURE TRUTH—CAPTAIN THUNDER NEVER
LETS ANYONE COMMIT A CRIME IN HIS TOWN.
AUNTIE FREEZE
I HOPE HE TRIES TO STOP ME. I’LL BE READY FOR HIM.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
THEN YOU GOT YOUR WISH, EVILDOER LADY. IT IS I, CAPTAIN THUNDER!! (APPLAUSE)
FIRST NEPHEW
HOLY CATS!! IT’S THE MAN OF MIGHT HIMSELF!!
SECOND NEPHEW
MAYBE THIS IDEA OF ROBBING A BANK WASN’T SUCH A GOOD IDEA, AUNTIE FREEZE.
AUNTIE FREEZE
NONSENSE, MY STUPID NEPHEW. I’M READY FOR HIM. PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM,
CAPTAIN THUNDER!!
NARRATOR
WITH THAT, AUNTIE FREEZE WAVES HER ARMS AND AIMS HER ASTONISHING FREEZING POWER
STRAIGHT AT OUR HERO. (SOUNDS OF FREEZING POWER)
AUNTIE FREEZE
I HOPE YOU DON’T “CATCH COLD!”
CAPTAIN THUNDER
HA! HA! HA! YOUR FREEZING POWER JUST TICKLES MY THUNDER STRONG BODY.
AUNTIE FREEZE
BUT MY FREEZING POWER!! IT’S DIRECTLY AIMED AT YOU. DON’T YOU FEEL THE LEAST BIT
CHILLY?
CAPTAIN THUNDER
IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME, WICKED LADY. JUST LIKE IN ALL OUR OTHER ENCOUNTERS.
SECOND NEPHEW
YEAH, WE ASKED AUNTIE FREEZE ABOUT THAT. A FREEZING POWER DID SEEM A BIT FUTILE
AGAINST A SUPER HERO.
FIRST NEPHEW
YOU’D THINK AFTER GOING TO JAIL THE FIRST TIME, SHE MIGHT HAVE COME UP WITH
SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE ORIGINAL.
AUNTIE FREEZE
CURSE YOUR SUPER POWER! HOWEVER, THAT BANK TELLER ISN’T A SUPER HERO!
THUNDER--7
BANK TELLER
OH, MY GOODNESS, MY 98.6 TEMPERATURE JUST DROPPED 60 DEGREES IN JUST SECONDS.
BRRR!! I’M SO COLD, I CAN BARELY FEEL MY ABACUS.
AUNTIE FREEZE
LET US ESCAPE, CAPTAIN THUNDER, WITH THE MONEY, OR THE TELLER GOES IN THE DEEP
CHILL.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
GREAT SCOTT!! I CAN’T LET THAT INNOCENT PERSON FREEZE TO DEATH. YET, I CANNOT ALLOW
A NEFARIOUS CROOK GET AWAY WITH MISGOTTEN GAIN. AND YET, THAT PERSON DOESN’T
DESERVE TO DIE, JUST FOR SOME ETHICAL PRINCIPLE. AND, YET, THE CRIMINAL WILL RECEIVE
THE WRONG MESSAGE IF SHE ESCAPES. AND YET, I CANNOT . . .
BANK TELLER
AH, HELLO, AH, CAPTAIN THUNDER. A LITTLE LESS MORAL DILEMMA AND A LITTLE MORE HELP.
I’M FREEZING TO DEATH, HERE.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
YES, I KNOW, LOWLY OFFICE WORKER. (ASIDE) OH, WHAT CAN I DO? I CAN’T LET AUNTIE FREEZE
ESCAPE. BUT I CAN’T LET THAT POOR MAN FREEZE TO DEATH. OH, IF ONLY I HAD SOMEONE TO
HELP ME WITH MY MENTAL TURMOIL.
NARRATOR
LUCKILY, IN THAT INSTANCE, WHO SHOULD COME INTO THE BANK TO PURCHASE WAR BONDS
BUT CAPTAIN THUNDER’S TRUSTED SIDEKICKS, KANDO MERTERT, FAMED LUXEMBOURGIAN
FREEDOM FIGHTER, AND LINCOLN, THE PLUCKY PARROT.
KANDO
I’M GLAD YOU CAME DOWN TO THE BANK WITH ME, LINCOLN.
LINCOLN
(AWWKKK!!) MY PLEASURE. I NEEDED SOME FRESH AIR.
KANDO
SINCE I’M IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, I THOUGHT I’D BUY A WAR BOND.
LINCOLN
(AWWKKK!!) SAY, THAT’S A SWELL IDEA. I’LL BUY ONE, TOO.
KANDO
BUT WHERE WOULD YOU GET ENOUGH MONEY, LINCOLN? YOU’RE JUST A PARROT.
LINCOLN
(AWWKKK!!) I’LL JUST DIVERSIFY MY ENERGY AND COMMUNICATIONS OPEN-ENDED
PORTFOLIO’S DIVIDENDS INTO TRANSPORTATION AND COMMODITY FUTURES, WHICH ARE
COMPOUNDED BIANNUALLY WITH AN AGGRESSIVE ECONOMIC STRATAGEM, BASED ON
THUNDER--8
FACTORS GLEAMED FROM ANNUAL FINANCIAL REPORTS OF 17 FORTUNE 500 COMPANIES. AND
YOU, KANDO? WHERE WILL YOU GET MONEY TO BUY WAR BONDS?
KANDO
(BEAT) AH. SODA POP BOTTLE DEPOSITS.
LINCOLN
(AWWKKK!!) WELL, THAT’S A GOOD MONEYMAKING SCHEME TOO. BUT, HEY, WHY IS IT SO
COLD IN HERE?
KANDO
I DON’T KNOW. YOU’D THINK A BANK WOULD BE ABLE TO PAY ITS HEATING BILLS. BUT, WAIT,
LOOK, WHY, IT’S THAT MASTER CRIMINAL AUNTIE FREEZE. SHE’S TRYING TO ROB THE BANK.
LINCOLN
(AWWKKK!!) THAT FOUL FEMME FATALE!
CAPTAIN THUNDER
KANDO! LINCOLN! THANKS HEAVENS YOU’RE HERE. I’M IN A BIT OF AN IMPASSE HERE. SHOULD
I STOP AUNTIE FREEZE FROM ROBBING THE BANK, KNOWING FULL WELL, IF I DID, THAT POOR
BANK TELLER WILL FREEZE TO DEATH? OR SHOULD I RESCUE THE BANK TELLER FROM
IMPENDING DEATH, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT AUNTIE FREEZE AND HER NEPHEW HENCHMEN
WILL MAKE GOOD THEIR ESCAPE?
BANK TELLER
I’M VOTING FOR THE LATTER LINE OF ACTION.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
HE KEEPS SAYING THAT, BUT, GOSH DARN IT, HE’S JUST A LITTLE TOO CLOSE TO THE ACTION TO
GIVE ME A LOGICAL ANSWER.
AUNTIE FREEZE
MAYBE I CAN SOLVE THAT IDIOT’S PROBLEM. NEPHEWS, HAVE YOU GOT THE LOOT?
FIRST NEPHEW
ME AND ERNIE HAVE GOT ALL THE BAGS OF MONEY WE CAN CARRY, AUNTIE FREEZE.
SECOND NEPHEW
AND IT’S A LOT! WE CAN FINALLY GET THAT LITTLE BUNGALOW AT NEWPORT BEACH.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
HMMM. THEY’D BUY A BUNGALOW? THAT WOULD GIVE THE CITY OF NEWPORT BEACH SOME
WELCOME PROPERTY TAX REVENUE.
AUNTIE FREEZE
THAT’S RIGHT, CAPTAIN THUNDER. JUST THINK OF OUR ESCAPADE HERE AS US DOING OUR
PART FOR THE TRICKLE-DOWN THEORY.
THUNDER--9
CAPTAIN THUNDER
A VALID POINT.
BANK TELLER
IF I FREEZE TO DEATH, I CAN’T PAY MY PROPERTY TAXES HERE IN HARMONY COVE.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
AN INTERESTING COUNTERPOINT.
KANDO
OH, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE. LINCOLN, SHALL WE HELP OUT, HERE?
LINCOLN
(AWWKKK!!!) YOU BET. LOOK OUT, AUNTIE! HERE COMES LINCOLN!
NARRATOR
AND, JUST LIKE THAT, LINCOLN, THE PLUCKY PARROT SWOOPS OVER TO AUNTIE FREEZE AND
BITES HER ON HER FREEZING FINGER.
AUNTIE FREEZE
OWWW!!! THAT HURT!
NARRATOR
AUNTIE FREEZE, DISTRACTED BY NUMBING PAIN, STOPS HER FREEZING RAYS. THE BANK TELLER
NO LONGER IS FREEZING TO DEATH.
BANK TELLER
HOORAY!! I CAN FEEL MY TOES!
NARRATOR
AT THE SAME TIME, KANDO, THE LUXEMBOURGIAN FREEDOM FIGHTER, RUSHES AT THE TWO
NEPHEWS AND GIVES THEM BOTH SUCH A KARATE CHOP.
KANDO
HIGH-YAH! TAKE THAT! (SOUND OF KARATE CHOP) AND TAKE THAT! (SOUND OF KARATE CHOP)
FIRST NEPHEW
OWWW!!! GOT THAT RIGHT IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS.
SECOND NEPHEW
ME. TOO. LOOK, I’M BLEEDING. ANYBODY GOT A BAND AID?
BANK TELLER
I DO. AND I CAN GIVE YOU A NICE LONG-TERM LOAN FOR IT.
LINCOLN
(AWWKKK!!) WE GOT THEM, CAPTAIN THUNDER.
THUNDER--10
CAPTAIN THUNDER
GREAT WORK, CHUMS! GLAD I WAS ABLE TO HELP.
KANDO & LINCOLN
HELP???
CAPTAIN THUNDER
YES, WHILE YOU WERE FIGHTING, I CALLED ALCATRAZ AND RESERVED A CELL FOR MISS AUNTIE
FREEZE. NOW, I’LL JUST WALK THESE CRIMINALS OVER TO THE ALCATRAZ POLICE FERRY BOAT.
KANDO
WALK THEM OVER? WHY, IT’S OVER FIFTY MILES TO ALCATRAZ. WOULDN’T IT’D BE QUICKER IF
YOU JUST FLEW THEM OVER?
CAPTAIN THUNDER
(GULPS) FLEW? LIKE,”UP –IN-THE-AIR” FLEW?
LINCOLN
(AWWKKK!!) SHE DON’T MEAN, “I’M-SICK-WITH-THE-FLU” FLEW. BIRDBRAIN! STILL AFRAID OF
FLYING. SOME SUPER HERO.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
IT’S NOT THAT I’M AFRAID OF FLYING, PER SE, BUT, IN THE INTERESTS OF NOT, AH, CLUTTERING
UP VITAL AIR SPACE, I CHOOSE TO DO THE PATRIOTIC THING AND CONSERVE ENERGY.
KANDO
OH, BROTHER.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
COME ALONG, YOU CROOKS.
BERT
MAN, I HATE GOING TO PRISON.
ERNIE
ME, TOO. YOU’D THINK BY NOW WE’D LEARN THAT CRIME DOESN’T PAY.
AUNTIE FREEZE
WELL, I HAVEN’T LEARNED THAT LESSON. CURSE THAT BUMBLING SUPER-HERO’S FRIENDS. IF IT
WASN’T FOR THEM, WE’D HAVE GOTTEN CLEAN AWAY. IF ONLY I COULD JUST FIGHT CAPTAIN
THUNDER ALONE, WOMANO-A-SUPERHERO, I’M CONFIDENT I’D WIN OUT. I WONDER IF
ANYONE ELSE HAS FIGURED THAT OUT.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
LET’S GO. NEPHEWS, THE WARDEN TELLS ME YOU’LL BE IN CELL BLOCK “C.” THAT’S “C” FOR
CROOKS. AND AS FOR YOU, AUNTIE FREEZE. YOU’LL BE PUT IN A SPECIAL FREEZE PROOF CELL IN
THE SPECIAL SUPER-VILLAINS CELL BLOCK.
THUNDER--11
AUNTIE FREEZE
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST OF ME, CAPTAIN THUNDER. OF THAT, YOU CAN BE CERTAIN.
SCENE THREE
IN THE SPECIAL SUPER-VILLAINS CELL BLOCK
NARRATOR
JUSTICE IS SWIFT DURING WORLD WAR TWO. AND BEFORE YOU CAN SAY, “HABEAS CORPUS,”
AUNTIE FREEZE IS USHERED INTO HER FREEZE-PROOF CELL IN THE WORLD FAMOUS MAXIMUM
SECURITY PRISON OF ALCATRAZ.
GUARD
IN YOU GO, AUNTIE FREEZE. OR, SHOULD I SAY, PRISONER NUMBER 127.
AUNTIE FREEZE
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I’M GOING.
GUARD
NOW, BEHAVE YOURSELF, PRISONER 127. DON’T BE A BAD INFLUENCE. (EXITS)
AUNTIE FREEZE
(YELLING) BEING A BAD INFLUENCE IS MY CHILDHOOD DREAM.
BARON
ISN’T THAT A COINCIDENCE? THAT IS MY CHILDHOOD DREAM, TOO.
AUNTIE FREEZE
WHO SAID THAT?
BARON
IT WAS I, YOUR NEXT DOOR CELL MATE, PRISONER 126. OR, AS I LIKE TO CALL MYSELF, THE
DASTARDLY BARON VON BRAINS. (BOO)
AUNTIE FREEZE
NOT THE BARON VON BRAINS? AMERICA’S NUMBER ONE VILLAIN, THREE YEARS RUNNING?
BARON
THE VERY SAME. AT YOUR SERVICE.
AUNTIE FREEZE
OH, MY GOODNESS. I’M YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN. I HAVE ALL YOUR RAP SHEETS. I’M THE
INFAMOUS FEMALE CRIMINAL, AUNTIE FREEZE.
BARON
GET OUT!! NOT AUNTIE FREEZE? WHY, I’VE FOLLOWED YOUR CAREER SINCE YOU WERE JUST A
TWO-BIT POPSICLE, BACK IN CHAGRIN FALLS, MINNESOTA.
THUNDER--12
AUNTIE FREEZE
REALLY? OH, THAT WAS SO LONG AGO. ER, I MEAN, WHY THAT WAS ONLY A FEW YEARS AGO.
BARON
WHAT’S A BAD GIRL LIKE YOU, DOING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?
AUNTIE FREEZE
OH, THE USUAL. BURGLARY, LARCENY, GRAND THEFT AUTO. I ALMOST GOT AWAY WITH
ROBBING THE SECOND NATIONAL BANK. AND I’D HAVE BEEN LIVING ON EASY STREET IF IT
WASN’T FOR THAT NO-GOOD GOODY-GOODY SUPERHERO, CAPTAIN THUNDER.
BARON
OH, DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THAT SWINE-HOOD. I’D BE THE MASTER OF EASY STREET IF IT
WASN’T FOR HIM.
AUNTIE FREEZE
HE MAKES ME SO MAD, I COULD JUST . . . CAN WE TALK? I MEAN, WHERE DOES HE GET OFF,
BEING A SUPERHERO? I MEAN, IF IT WASN’T FOR ALL THAT THUNDER STRENGTH AND THUNDER
VISION AND ALL THAT THUNDER STUFF, HE’D JUST BE A REGULAR JOE. WHY, HE DOESN’T EVEN
HAVE THE BRAINS OF A SOGGY SAUERKRAUT.
BARON
I’VE HEARD THAT. YOU KNOW, IT’S JUST ALL HIS FRIENDS THAT HELP HIM OUT. IF I COULD JUST
GET HIM ALONE, I’D SHOW HIM SUCH A THROBBING, IT’D MAKE HIS CAPE SPIN.
AUNTIE FREEZE
IF I COULD JUST GET HIM ALL ALONE, WITHOUT HIS MEDDLING FRIENDS, THAT WOULD BE THE
END OF THE ILLUSTRIOUS CAPTAIN THUNDER.
BARON
FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT. I HAVE BEEN RACKING MY SUPER-GENIUS BRAIN OVER THAT
VERY THOUGHT AND I THINK I HAVE COME UP WITH A MASTERFUL PLAN. AND YOUR FREEZING
POWER COULD VERY WELL COME IN HANDY. THAT IS, IF YOU WANT TO BREAK OUT OF HERE
AND HELP ME DESTROY CAPTAIN THUNDER.
AUNTIE FREEZE
IF I’D WANT TO DESTROY CAPTAIN THUNDER? BARON, YOU BET I’LL HELP.
BARON
GOOD (LAUGHS MANICALLY). WE’LL JOIN FORCES. TOGETHER, WE’LL MAKE SURE THE WORLD
HAS SEEN THE LAST OF CAPTAIN THUNDER!! (Boo)
SCENE FOUR
AT THE HARMONY COVE POST OFFICE
THUNDER--13
NARRATOR
AFTER DROPPING OFF THE CROOKS AT MAXIMUM SECURITY ALCATRAZ PRISON, OUR HERO
MADE HIS WAY BACK TO HIS DAY JOB, IN HIS SECRET IDENTITY AS JOE BUCKLEY, MEEK, MILDMANNERED POSTAL CLERK AT THE HARMONY COVE POST OFFICE. THE DAYS PASS SWIFTLY, AS
HE SELLS STAMPS AND MAILS LETTERS, UNTIL ONE MORNING WHEN HE RECEIVES A RUDE
SHOCK.
JOE BUCKLEY
(WHISTLING) WHY, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING. THE BIRDS ARE SINGING, THE SUN IS
SHINING. I HAVE A FEELING THIS WILL BE THE BEST DAY EVER.
REUBEN CROSS
JOE!! JOE BUCKLEY!!! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU WORTHLESS POSTAL CLERK, YOU?
JOE BUCKLEY
SO MUCH FOR MY FEELING OF THE BEST DAY EVER. I WONDER WHY MY BOSS, REUBEN CROSS,
IS SO UPSET TODAY. GOOD MORNING, MISTER CROSS.
REUBEN CROSS
DON’T “GOOD MORNING” ME. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
JOE BUCKLEY
WHY, YES, I DO. IT’S 8:15.
REUBEN CROSS
8:15, HUH? SO WHY ISN’T THE POST OFFICE OPEN?
JOE BUCKLEY
IT IS OPEN, MISTER CROSS.
REUBEN
DON’T TRY TO FLIM-FLAM ME, BUDDY. IF WE’RE OPEN, THEN HOW COME THIS FRONT DOOR IS
LOCKED. (SOUND S OF BELL TINGLING) OH. WE ARE OPEN.
JOE BUCKLEY
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, MISTER CROSS? YOU SEEM MORE GRUMPY THAN USUAL.
REUBEN
OH, I’M SORRY. IT JUST THAT I HAVEN’T SLEPT GOOD THE PAST FEW NIGHTS.
JOE BUCKLEY
YOU KNOW, WHEN I CAN’T SLEEP, YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?
REUBEN CROSS
CAN’T SAY THAT THAT I DO.
JOE BUCKLEY
I JUST START MY MORNING OUT WITH A NICE, REFRESHING CUP OF FIREHOUSE COCOA.
THUNDER--14
REUBEN CROSS
FIREHOUSE COCOA, DID YOU SAY? THAT RICH, CREAMY, SUPER- NUTRITIOUS DRINK THAT GOES
WELL WITH EVERY BREAKFAST ITEM, FROM CEREAL TO WAFFLES?
JOE BUCKLEY
THE VERY SAME.
REUBEN CROSS
FIREHOUSE COCOA, FORTIFIED WITH VITAMINS AND MINERALS SO A BODY WILL FEEL GREAT,
ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY?
JOE BUCKLEY
YOU GOT IT!
REUBEN
BOY, I FEEL BETTER JUST THINKING ABOUT FIREHOUSE COCOA. I WISH I HAD SOME RIGHT NOW.
JOE BUCKLEY
WELL, YOU CAN, MISTER CROSS. I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE TWO DELICIOUS CUPS RIGHT HERE.
ONE FOR ME AND ONE FOR YOU. BEING A POSTAL CLERK, I GET EXTRA CHOCOLATE RATIONS,
YOU KNOW.
REUBEN
FIREHOUSE COCOA. THE COCOA OF KINGS! THE KING OF COCOA! SOLD IN FOOD STORES ALL
ACROSS THE GOOD U S OF A.
JOE BUCKLEY
AND KIDS! NOW FIREHOUSE COCOA COMES WITH A FREE WHISTLE IN EVERY TIN. WITH THREE
DIFFERENT COLORS—RED. WHITE. AND BLUE. COLLECT THEM ALL!!
REUBEN
FIREHOUSE COCOA. I FEEL BETTER ALL READY.
NARRATOR
FIREHOUSE COCOA. THE OFFICIAL DRINK OF THE U.S. ARMED FORCES. (APPLAUSE)
JOE BUCKLEY
WHY HAVEN’T YOU BEEN GETTING ANY SLEEP, MISTER CROSS?
REUBEN
WELL, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN HARMONY COVE, I’VE BEN STAYING UP LATE, PRATICING FOR THE
ALL-AMERICAN QUIZ SHOW.
JOE BUCKLEY
ALL-AMERICAN QUIZ SHOW? WHAT’S THAT?
REUBEN
THUNDER--15
YOU DON’T KNOW? A PRODUCER OUT OF HOLLYWOOD IS PREMIERING A RADIO QUIZ SHOW.
RIGHT HERE IN HARMONY COVE!
JOE BUCKLEY
GOLLY!! RIGHT HERE IN HARMONY COVE?
REUBEN
THAT’S RIGHT. THE CONTESTANTS HAVE TO DO ALL KINDS OF STUNTS, LIKE TEARING PHONE
BOOKS IN HALF, GUESSING WHAT’S BEHIND CLOSED DOORS AND STUFF LIKE THAT. IF SOMEONE
MANAGES TO DO ALL THOSE HARD, PHYSICALLY CHALLENGING STUNTS, THEN THE SHOW WILL
DONATE ONE HUNDRED WAR BONDS. IF NO ONE IS ABLE TO, THEN THEY’LL DONATE NOTHING.
IT’S A REAL CHALLENGE, I CAN TELL YOU.
JOE BUCKLEY
(TO HIMSELF) GOSH, ONE HUNDRED WAR BONDS WILL SURE HELP THE WAR EFFORT. AND
DOING ALL THOSE PHYSICAL STUNTS, WHY, CAPTAIN THUNDER WOULD WIN, HANDS DOWN.
(ALOUD) IS THE CONTEST OPEN TO EVERYONE?
REUBEN
SEE FOR YOURSELF. I HAVE ONE OF THEIR HANDBILLS RIGHT HERE. “COME ONE! COME ALL!
ESPECIALLY SUPER HEROES! TO THE ALL-AMERICAN QUIZ SHOW. COMPETE AGAINST AMERICA’S
FINEST, ESPECIALLY NON-SUPER HEROES, IN FEATS OF STRENGTH AND SKILL. INTELLIGENCE NOT
NECESSARY. AUDITIONS WILL BE HELD THIS THURSDAY, STARTIGN AT 9 AM.” WHICH IS TODAY, I
MIGHT ADD. “CONTESTANTS WILL COMPETE ONE AT A TIME, ALL BY THEIR SELVES. WIN ONE
HUNDRED WAR BONDS FOR THE AMERICAN WAR EFFORT!”
JOE BUCKLEY
(TO HIMSELF) SUPER HEROES ARE OKAY TO ENTER, HUH? LUCKY FOR ME, I’M THE ONLY SUPER
HERO IN HARMONY COVE. IT’S MY PATRIOTIC DUTY TO ENTER. (ALOUD) GOLLY, THIS SOUNDS
LIKE FUN. THE AUDITIONS ARE JUST A FEW MINUTES. CAN I HAVE SOME TIME OFF TO TRY OUT?
REUBEN
(LAUGHS) YOU? MISTER PIPSQUEAK HIMSELF. WHY, YOU WOULDN’T STAND A CHANCE. NOW,
ME, I DON’T THINK I’D HAVE ANY TROUBLE AT ALL. DON’T YOU REMEMBER? I WON FIRST PLACE
AT LAST SUMMER’S THREE-LEGGED RACE AT THE POST OFFICE PICNIC?
JOE BUCKLEY
WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU USED TWO LEGS, NOT THREE. AND YOU ONLY COMPETED AGAINST ME
AND LINCOLN.
REUBEN
DETAILS, DETAILS. A WIN IS A WIN. SORRY. YOU HAVE TO STAY HERE. I’M GOING NOW.
JOE BUCKLEY
I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO STAY. AH, TOO BAD YOUR FIREHOUSE COCOA WILL GET COLD.
REUBEN
WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY?
THUNDER--16
JOE BUCKLEY
YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO BRING YOUR COCOA IN WHILE YOU’RE AUDITIONING. IT’LL HAVE TO
STAY HERE UNTIL YOU GET BACK. WHICH COULD BE AWHILE.
REUBEN
COLD FIREHOUSE COCOA? WHY, I’D RATHER WALK ACROSS HOT COALS THAN NOT GET MY
WARM, DELICIOUS MORING COCOA. GO AHEAD, JOE.GO TRY OUT. KNOWING YOU, IT WON’T
TAKE LONG.
JOE BUCKLEY
GEE, THANKS, MISTER CROSS. I’LL BE BACK AS SOON AS I CAN. (TO HIMSELF) WITH ONE
HUNDRED WAR BONDS, THAT IS!!!
SCENE FIVE
AT THE “ALL-AMERICAN QUIZ SHOW” STUDIO
NARRATOR
AT THE ‘ALL-AMERICAN QUIZ SHOW” STUDIO, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN LINED UP FOR HOURS,
TRYING TO WIN THE FABLED PRIZE. BUT TI SEEMS LIKE NO ONE HAS BEEN ABLE TO QUALIFY.
NOT EVEN VERONICA VANDERLOOP, THE PRETTIEST QUALITY CONTROL SUPERVISOR AT THE
HARMONY COVE MUNITIONS FACTORY. AND, ALSO, JOE BUCKLEY’S SECRET HEARTTHROB.
QUIZ SHOW MODERATOR (WHO LOOKS SUPSICIOUSLY LIKE BARON VON BRAINS)
Next!!
VERONCIA
BUT I HAVEN’T TRIED ANY STUNT, YET!
BARON
IT DOESN’T MATTER. YOU’RE JUST A LITTLE SLIP OF A GIRL. YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE
CAPTAIN THUNDER, ER, I MEAN, CAPABLE FO TEARING THIS PHONE BOOK IN HALF.
VERONICA
OH, YEAH? WELL, WATCH THIS! (GRUNTS) OH, MY, THAT WAS HARD. MAYBE IF I JUST HAD THE
YELLOW PAGES?
BARON
NOT A SNITZUL’S CHANCE IN HECK. NEXT!!
ATTRACTIVE GAME SHOW ASSISTANT
(WHO LOOKS SUSPICOULSY LIKE AUNTIE FREEZE)
YOU HEARD THE NAZI, ER, I MEAN, THE NICE MAN, SUGAR. MOVE ALONG.
VERONICA
DO I GET ANY LOVELY PARTING GIFTS?
AUNTIE FREEZE
PARTING GIFTS? WHAT DO YOU TAKE US FOR, THE SALVATION ARMY? HIT THE ROAD!
THUNDER--17
VERONICA
WELL, I NEVER. I THINK YOU’RE BEING REALLY, REALLY UNFAIR. I THINK I SHOULD REPORT YOU
TO WHOEVER IS IN CHARGE OF RADIO SHOWS AND . . . OH, MY GOLLY! IT’S CAPTAIN THUNDER!
CAPTAIN THUNDER
YES, THAT’S WHO I AM. WAITING PATIENTLY FOR MY TURN TO COMPETE.
AUNTIE FREEZE
CAPTAIN THUNDER? CAPTAIN THUNDER? LOOK, RADIO HOST GUY, IT’S CAPTAIN THUNDER!
BARON
CAPTAIN THUNDER!!
CAPTAIN THUNDER
YES, THAT’S MY NAME, DON’T WEAR IT OUT. I’M COME TO COMPETE ON YOUR SHOW.
BARON
OH, YES, YES, WHY, WE’RE SO HONORED TO HAVE THE ILLUSTRIOUS DUNDER-HEAD, I MEAN,
SUPER-HERO COME TO OUR LITTLE SHOW. AUNTIE FREEZE, I MEAN, MISS GAME SHOW
ASSISTANT, GO TELL ALL THOSE PEOPLE IN LINE THEY CAN JUST GO HOME. WE’VE FOUND OUR
CONTESTANT.
VERONICA
BUT HE HASN’T EVEN TRIED OUT.
BARON
HE HASN’T? OH, YES, HE HASN’T. WELL, THEN, HERE, CAPTAIN THUNDER, BEND THIS PAPER CLIP
COMPELTELY OVER.
CAPTIN THUNDER
BEND A PAPER CLIP? WHY, THAT’S CHILD’S PLAY.
AUNTIE FREEZE
THAT’S WHY HE THOUGHT OF YOU.
VERONICA
HEY! BEND A PAPER CLIP? I COULD HAVE DONE THAT!
BARON
WELL, NOW, I DIDN’T ASK YOU TO DO THAT, DID I? C’MOM, CAPTAIN THUNDER, BEND THE
PAPER CLIP. OR ARE YOU TOO SCARED?
CAPTAIN THUNDER
I THINK I CAN DO IT. THERE! LOOK! IT’S DONE! DO I GET THE HUNDRED WAR BONDS, NOW?
BARON
THUNDER--18
NOT QUITE YET, BUT YOU DID PASS YOUR TRY OUT. NOW, COME WITH US, INTO THIS ROOM,
WHERE WE WILL TAPE THE SHOW. ALL ALONE. NOT YOU, IDIOT GIRL! YOU GO AWAY. THE
CONTESTANT MUST BE ALL ALONE.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
WHY CAN’T THE LOVELY VERONICA VANDERLOOP (SIGH) COME WATCH?
VERONICA
I COULD MAKE ALL KINDS OF CHEERY LEADER SOUNDS TO ROOT HIM ON!
AUNTIE FREEZE
THAT WON’T BE NECESSARY. IT MIGHT EVEN BE DISTRACTING.
BARON
YES, THAT’S RIGHT. CAPTAIN THUNDER MUST BE COMPLETELY ALONE FOR HIS, AH, TASKS. WE
CAN’T TAKE THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE THAT EVEN A BRAINLESS, YET EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE,
AMERICAN GIRL WILL ASSIST HIM. HIS TRACK RECORD WITH FRIENDS IS VERY DISHEARTENING.
AUNTIE FREEZE
TOO BAD, DEAR. BUT RULES ARE RULES. RIGHT, CAPTAIN THUNDER?
CAPTAIN THUNDER
I’M AFRAID SO, VERONICA. I MUST ALWAYS LIVE MY THE RULES. AFTER ALL, WITHOUT RULES,
WE’D BE NO BETTER THAN NAZIS!
BARON
(MUTTERS) YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY. (ALOUD) THIS WAY, CAPTAIN THUNDER. GOOD BYE,
GIRL. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.
VERONICA
GOOD LUCK, CAPTAIN THUNDER. BREAK A CAPE. OH, LOOK AT HIM GO, DOWN THAT DARK AND
SECLUDED HALLWAY. HE’S SO WONDERFUL. I MUST TELL REUBEN CROSS, LINCOLN, THE PLUCKY
PARROT, AND KANDO, THE VALIANT LUXEMBROUGIAN FREEDOM FIGHTER, THE GOOD NEWS!
(EXITS)
BARON
NOW, CAPTAIN THUNDER, FOR YOUR FIRST TASK, WE ARE GOING TO ASK YOU TO GET INSIDE
THIS ISOLATION BOOTH WE HAVE SET UP HERE.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
OKEY-DOKEY. BUT, SAY, WHERE ARE THE MICROPHONES? ISN’T THIS A RADIO STUDIO?
BARON
GOTT IN HIMMEL!! I MEAN, GOOD GRACIOUS. YOU STUPID GAME SHOW ASSISTANT, WHAT
HAVE YOU DONE WITH ALL THE RADIO MICROPHONES AND STUFF LIKE THAT THERE?
AUNTIE FREEZE
THUNDER--19
DON’T ASK ME, THIS RADIO PLAN WAS YOUR IDEA. I MEAN, I MEAN, AH, THEY WERE ALL DIRTY,
SO, AH, I TOOK THEM OUT TO BE, AH, DRY CLEANED. YEAH, YEAH, THAT’S THE TICKET.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
MICROPHONES CAN BE DRY CLEANED?
BARON
HMM, YES, YES, OF COURSE, THEY CAN BE. THEY SHOULD BE. YOU DON’T WANT TO HAVE ANY
DIRTY OLD GERMS BROADCAST OVER THE AIR AND START EPIDEMICS, NOW, DO YOU?
CAPTAIN THUNDER
WHY, NO, I SURE WOULDN’T THAT TO HAPPEN. NOT WITH THE WAR ON AND ALL.
BARON
THAT’S A GOOD DUMBKOPT, I MEAN, SUPER HERO. NOW, WHY DON’T WE PRACTICE UNTIL THE
MICROPHONES COME BACK? JUST STEP INSIDE THIS ISOLATION BOOTH, HERE.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
SURE THING. BOY, WHAT A STRANGE LOOKING ISOLATION BOOTH. ALL ROUND SIDES, ONE
LITTLE PEEP HOLE. I THOUGHT ISOLATION BOOTHS WERE MADE OF GLASS.
BARON
(MUTTERS) BOY, FOR A STUPID GUY, YOU SURE COME UP WITH SMART QUESTIONS. (ALOUD)
WELL, YES, THEY USE TO MADE OF GLASS, BUT, HECK, THERE’S A WAR ON SO WE HAD TO MAKE
DUE WITH FIRE-TESTED CHROMIUM STEEL, LACED THROUGH AND THROUGH WITH LEAD.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
OH, THAT MAKES SENSE.
BARON
IT ODES, DOESN’T IT? SOMETIMES, MY HASTILY THOUGHT OUT EXCUSES AMAZE EVEN ME.
OKAY, IN YOU GO.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
(MUFFLED) BOY, IT SURE IS DARK IN HERE. AND I HOPE YOU DON’T WANT ME TO LOOK
THROUGH A CLOSED DOOR OR ANYTHING. MY THUNDER CAN’T SEE THROUGH LEAD.
BARON
OH, WHAT A PITY. YOU CAN’T SEE THROUGH LEAD. I DIDN’T KNOW THAT, DID YOU KNOW THAT,
GAME SHOW ASSISTANT?
AUNTIE FREEZE
OF COURSE I DID. YOU TOLD ME THAT’S WHY WE MADE THIS OUT OF LEAD.
BARON
NOT SO LOUD, NUMBSKULL. HE MIGHT HEAR YOU.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
THUNDER--20
HE DID HEAR YOU. SAY, WHAT’S GOING ON? THIS CAN’T BE AN ISOLATION BOOTH. IT’S TOO
DARK INSIDE.
BARON
YOU’RE RIGHT, CAPTAIN NIMCOMPOOP.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
ACTUALLY, IT’S CAPTAIN THUNDER.
BARON
IT MIGHT AS WELL BE CAPTAIN BYE-BYE. FOR IT IS, I, BARON VON BRAINS! PREPARE TO MEET
YOUR DOOM.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
(MUFFLED) THE BARON!
AUNTIE FREEZE
AND IT IS I, AUNTIE FREEZE, NOT THE SWEET GAME SHOW ASSISTANT THAT YOU THOUGHT.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
(MUFFLED) AUNTIE FREEZE! AND BARON VON BRAINS! SAY, WHY AREN’T ARE YOU GUYS IN
ALCATRAZ PRISON?
BARON
YOU THINK ALCATRAZ COULD HOLD ME. JUST A SIMPLE ADJUSTMENT TO AUNTIE FREEZE’S
FREEZE-PROOF AND POOF! THE LOCKS GOT SO COLD AND BITTER, WE JUST SNAPPED THEM
OFF. AND GETTING OUT WAS NO PROBLEM., EITHER.
AUNTIE FREEZE
I JUST FROZE THE WATER OF SANFRANCSICO BAY AND WE SKATED OUT. I’M SURPRISED YOU
DIDN’T KNOW. IT WAS IN ALL THE PAPERS.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
MY SUBSCRIPTION RAN OUT. DARN THE LUCK!
BARON
AND NOW YOUR LUCK HAS RUN OUT. AUNTIE, QUICKLY. FREEZE THE LOCKS! (SOUND OF
FREEZING POWER)
CAPTAIN THUNDER
THAT WON’T STOP ME. I HAVE THUNDER STENGTH.
BARON
BUT IT WILL SLOW YOU DOWN. WHEN I THROW THIS SWITCH, (SOUND OF SWITCH THROWING)
YOUR ACHILLE HEEL, VERTIGO, WILL RENDER YOU POWERLESS AND SOON, QUITE, QUITE DEAD.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
YOU FIEND!!! (SOUNDS OF WHIRLING)
THUNDER--21
BARON
YOU’RE TOO KIND. AND, NOW, AUNTIE FREEZE, WE’RE OFF. OFF TO BRING THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA TO ITS KNEES!! (BOO)
AUNTIE FREEZE
NOW, REMEMBER OUR BARGAIN. IF THE NAZIS TAKE OVER AMERICA, YOU KNOW WHAT I GET
OUT OF IT.
BARON
I KNOW, I KNOW. IF, WHEN!, GERMANY RULES THE WORLD, YOU WILL GET CLEVELAND.
AUNTIE FREEZE
I’VE ALWAYS LIKE DLAKE ERIE. AND DON’T TRY TO DOUBLE CROSS ME, BARON. I HAVE IT ALL
DOWN ON PAPER. WHICH YOU SIGNED.
BARON
I KNOW, I KNOW. YOU’RE TOO CLEVER FOR ME. NOW, LET US RUSH BACK TO OUR SECRET
HIDEOUT AND TELL ADOLPH THE GOOD NEWS. FAREWELL, CAPTAIN THUNDER. YOU’VE
INTERFERED WITH MY GLORIOUS PLANS FOR THE LAST TIME.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
OH, I FEEL SO WHOOZY, SO SICK. I CAN’T USE MY THUNDER POWERS AT ALL.
BARON
AND SOON. VERY SOON. YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO USE ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR YOU’LL BE DEAD.
CAPTAIN THUNDER
OH, MY, MY, I’M LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS.
BARON
EXCELLENT. ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN. AFTER YOU, MY DEAR.
AUNTIE FREEZE
OH, BARON, YOU’RE A VILLAIN AFTER MY OWN HEART.
BARON
(GROUCHO-LIKE) AND THAT’S NOT ALL I’M AFTER. (RIMSHOT) HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU, YOU
HAVE EYES THAT A MAREVLOUS SHADE OF DULL BROWN?
NARRATOR
CAN THIS BE THE END OF OUR HERO? HAS THE EVIL BARON VON BRAINS FINALLY TRIUMPHED
OVER CAPTAIN THUNDER? WILL AMERICA FALL PREY TO THE DASTARDLY DESIGNS OF THE EVIL
THIRD REICH?
BARON
YES, YES AND YES. GAME, SET AND MATCH, NARRATOR GUY.
NARRATOR
THUNDER--22
RETURN TO US AFTER A SHORT INTERMISSION AND DISCOVER THE TERRIFYING CONCLUSION OF
“CAPTAIN THUNDER AND THE ISOLATION BOOTH OF DOOM.” BROUGHT TO YOU BY . . . OUR
SPONSOR, FIREHOUSE COCOA. THE COCOA OF KINGS. THE KING OF COCOA! SEE YOU SHORTLY.
BARON
ENJOY YOUR COCOA . . . WHILE YOU CAN (LAUGHS MANICALLY)
THUNDER--23
THUNDER--24