ALTERING COMMUNICATION PATTERNS IN SPECIFIC TYPES OF SITUATIONS
COPY AND PRINT THESE TWO PAGES
FOR USE IN THIS EXERCISE
DESIGNED FOR ALTERING
YOUR COMMUNICATION PATTERNS
IN SPECIFIC TYPES OF SITUATIONS
You will need to print an additional set for each troublesome situation.
Selecting from the types of situations presented in the previous
section, choose one that you and your significant other found
troublesome. Once you have selected your situation, use the name
of that situation to label your worksheet, then try to write, in the
dialogue boxes below, what each of you typically says to the other
in turn. You might need to also indicate the tone and manner of
speech and also the manner of non-verbal communication. This is
not meant to be easy.
You will need to have a third person observe and take notes while
you re-enact on paper the way you typically communicate in this
type of situation. The reason for doing this exercise in this
particular way is that we seldom capture in our memories the exact
nature of our communication. We tend to recall our intentions and
feelings, our feelings toward the other, our interpretations of the
other's behavior, and the faults we wish the other would change.
These communication patterns are particularly intransigent and
therefore changing them requires a truly massive attack.
You will, naturally, find that you disagree and that there is not one
set way the communication flows. However, once you have
thrashed it out for a while, you should eventually be able to abstract
a reasonably fair representation of both parties during the typical
course of the dialogue in this type of situation.
When you painstakingly go through the process of reconstructing
what each of you is typically, actually doing or saying in that
situation, you may finally see why the interaction usually ends
unacceptably and what each of you needs to change.
NAME OF SITUATION________________________
Communication Worksheets
SETTINGS IN WHICH VARIATIONS OF THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL, SITUATIONAL COMMUNICATION
INTERACTION OCCUR
DOMAINS IN WHICH THIS COMMUNICATION PATTERN OCCURS
Y
WORK
RECREATION - SOCIALIZING
SUPPORT/C
DEGREES OF STRUCTURE IN WHICH THIS COMMUNICATION PATTERN OCCURS
ucture Settings
Moderate Structure Settings
High Structure
Between the two of you, thinking about where this dysfunctional, situational communication pattern occurs,
does it seem that it most typically occurs in one or more Domains and is much less likely to occur in others?
Perhaps it is more likely to occur and be more severe at a place of recreation or at a party. Perhaps it only
occurs in front of your children [if you have children]. Perhaps it occurs at work but not at home or vice versa.
Does the degree of structure seem to have something to do with the severity of the dysfunction? Perhaps it is
more likely to occur and be more severe when in public than in private, or vice versa. Perhaps it is effected by
the degree of familiarity or the degree of formality? These are just a few random examples to help you get
started probing your memories to discover when and where it is more likely to occur and to be more flagrant.
When you begin to get a grasp on when and where it tends to occur, then, in your minds, step back and
consider what it might be about these particular settings that evokes this kind of situation and this kind of
dysfunctional communication interaction. If you feel you have clearly determined the setting and situational
factors, write these down for use later on. You might find the table below helpful as a worksheet to assist in
determining which kinds of settings have the greatest tendency to evoke these patterns and the most negative
effect.
DEGREES OF
STRUCTURE
DOMAINS
What is it
about the
HIGH
HIGH degree
of Structure?
What is it
about the
MODERATE
FAMILY
WORK
R
S
degree of
Structure?
MODERATE
What is it
about the
LOW
LOW degree
of Structure?
When you finally see what you each need to change, then try to
reconstruct, in the dialogue boxes below, a new dialogue that each of you
feel will flow in an acceptable manner and allow you both to reach an
acceptable conclusion or resolution. You will find that you need to
eliminate many patterns as well as change many and create many totally
new patterns. Words, inflections, tones, non-verbal behavior, and verbal
strategies or ploys will all figure in this reconstruction. Going turn by
turn, work out an ideal representation for what each will say and do.
As you do this, you will uncover deeper feelings that are difficult to
handle. It is acceptable to be diverted while you explore these unpleasant
underlying feelings, misinterpreted intentions, and cross purposes, yet,
always come back on course to complete the task. As you work through
these rough spots, they too will become occasions for learning more about
your communication styles and developing and practicing new styles.
Once you see both what you typically have done in the past and what
you ideally propose to do in the future, the next step will be to fabricate
that type of situation so that you may practice your new, proposed style.
This can best be done with a third party monitoring, refereeing, giving
feedback and suggestions, assisting you in many adjustments and
revisions, coaching, and coaxing you to rehearse until you begin to feel
comfortable, satisfied with the outcome, no longer feel that the change is
alien to your identity, and truly eager to meet this type of situation in real
life to demonstrate your skill and mastery.
At the conclusion of this exercise, both should write your final
evaluation of its outcome and the degree to which you feel resolved and
committed to using this new style of situation-specific communication in
the future.
Finally, since this exercise will be emotionally exhausting, you must
both resolve to continue to systematically tackle all of the other
troublesome situations. Decide on definitely when and where you will
deal with the next situation type.