A
PUBLICATION
OF
HOSPICE
OF
THE
PIEDMONT
●
SUMMER 2011
The Elephant in the Room
A
re the topics of death and grief taboo? Many people in
our society behave as if they are. For many people the
fact that a loved one has died is the “elephant in the
room.” Terry Kettering writes about the metaphor of
the elephant in the room in her poem and it goes like this:
There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting
so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and “I’m fine.”
and a thousand other forms of
trivial chatter.
We talk about everything else –
except the elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.
So if everyone sees it, why does no one talk about the elephant?
Why do people avoid talking about death and grief? Yes,
talking about it often causes discomfort. It could even be frightening to some. Talking about the death of a loved one can bring
up thoughts and feelings about our own mortality and the eventual deaths of others we love. But we cannot avoid the fact that
death is a part of life. Some even believe that when we are fully
aware of this fact, our lives become richer.
We worry that people will get offended or upset or that somehow talking about the loved one who has died will make things
worse, not better. “People might not want to be around me if I
talk about how sad I am, how much I miss my loved one.”
But often the reality is that the elephant, the issue of death and
grief, isn’t as problematic as the fact that we avoid it and don’t
talk about it. Avoiding the topics of death and grief can isolate
those who are grieving at the exact time that they need the support of others. Avoidance can cause those who need to share
their feelings and tears, or can’t help but share them, feel abnormal. The reality is that outwardly mourning the loss of a loved
one is natural, normal and healthy.
And when someone is brave enough to bring up the topic, mention the loved one’s name, express a feeling of sadness, anger,
guilt or even relief, tension can be released.
Permission has been granted that it is okay
to talk about it. The issue is on the table
and now it can be addressed. We can even
learn about our own strengths when dealing
with our adversity. And don’t forget that
we teach our children how to cope with loss
through our own actions. Don’t we want
our children to come to us for support and
with questions? How will they know to do
so, if we cannot be open to it ourselves?
Terry Kettering’s poem ends:
For if we talk about her death,
Perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say, “Barbara” to you
And not have you look away?
For if I cannot,
Then you are leaving me alone
In a room – with an elephant.
Many grieving people, family members and friends often think
that by avoiding discussions about grief and loss they are protecting each other from difficult thoughts and feelings. But like
the elephant in the room, everyone is already thinking about it
and knows it is there. Rather than each individual grieving
alone, here is an opportunity to do your grieving and supporting
together.
HOSPICE OF THE PIEDMONT ● 675 PETER JEFFERSON PARKWAY ● SUITE 300 ● CHARLOTTESVILLE, VIRGINIA 22911● 434-817-6900 ● WWW.HOPVA.ORG
HORIZON ● LIVING
WITH
LOSS
The Power of Storytelling
S
haring memories and stories can be a healing experience after someone has died. It is important to share
about the life that was lived, as well as your experience
of the illness, death, and your own bereavement. It’s
easy to become focused on the recent events of the illness and
death, losing sight of the healing possibilities in recollecting the
whole of our loved one’s life.
Storytelling provides an opportunity to celebrate the loved one’s memory publicly with
other caring people who can be influenced
by the life that was lived. Storytelling is
powerful not only for the storyteller, but for
the listeners, as well.
Storytelling is also an important and effective way to keep loved ones’ memories alive
for future generations. It builds memories
in children who are too young to remember the deceased, but
who need a sense of who this person was and how this relative
fits into the family system and history.
Some people have difficulty starting the story. The following
are examples of story titles one might consider as jumping off
points.
The Places Where We Lived
Favorite Things We Have Done Together
The Best Joke Played On Me
_______’s Hopes and Dreams
Great Trips We Took Together
What I’ll Miss Most About ______
The Funniest Time We Ever Had
Together
It is amazing to watch the light come back
in a grieving widow’s eye when you ask her
how she met her husband. So many people
share that they don’t know what to say to a
grieving person. Not many people think to
ask a question or invite the mourner to tell a meaningful story
about the loved one. Even better, sharing a special memory
with the grieving person about the person who has died is often
better than any offer of condolence.
Adapted from Dan Diego Hospice and Palliative Care’s
“Living With Grief Series”
To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.
— Thomas Campbell
Bereavement Support Services
Bereavement support groups
bring together a small group of
people to learn about the grieving
process and be with others who are grieving.
Educational and experiential workshops on grief-related
issues aid in coping with the death.
Short-term grief counseling provided by bereavement counselors meets individual needs. Referrals to community resources provide additional support.
Youth services, provided through the Journeys program, offers
children and teens (ages 4 — 18 years old) support and grief
education using art and other creative means to express inner
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SUMMER 2011
feelings. Youth services include individual and group work and
bereavement camps throughout the year.
Nondenominational memorial services help to remember
loved ones who have died.
Educational presentations on grief and loss issues are offered
to community groups and organizations.
Outreach through mailings of educational and supportive material, reminders
of upcoming events and quarterly mailing of Horizon, a Hospice of the Piedmont publication dedicated to grief education and support.
HORIZON ● LIVING
WITH
LOSS
Spiritual Steps Along the Grief Journey
By Denise Kirchner, RN, MN, MPS
Director of Counseling
G
rief can present challenges to the bereaved physically,
disrupting sleep and appetite and leading to actual pain;
emotionally, through a roller-coaster of feelings; socially, in feeling isolated from normal routine; intellectually, preoccupied with the loved one or things that must be done; and also
spiritually.
Many people experience and express their spiritual nature through
an organized faith tradition where there are common shared beliefs and rituals. For others, spirituality has more to do with their
individual connection to or relationship with the people and world
around them, than it does with any communal beliefs or gathering
at a place to worship with others.
Actually, being in touch with one’s spirituality can be both an
individual and communal experience. No matter how one defines
spirituality, it includes an awareness that a person does not exist
in a vacuum; that life has meaning and purpose; that we matter in
this world. These are the kinds of things that cause us to stop and
ponder the meaning of life and are often wrestled with during
bereavement. How does one come to terms with the absence created when someone we love dies? Why am I having such a hard
time accepting this death? Why did they have to die? Is it okay
to feel relieved that their suffering is over? While there are an
infinite number of responses to those questions unique to each
individual, the common spiritual experience is of trying to make
sense of or find meaning in what has happened.
How we make sense of anything that happens is a reflection of
our personality and life experiences, what we have learned formally and informally from written word and example, what we
believe to be truths, and what we value. Our perspective may be
shaped by a faith tradition, but can also come from other sources
such as nature, science and the arts. We may find answers in
personal reflection and also in discussion with others. We may
find comfort in grieving alone or seeking support through church
family or support group. We may be encouraged by religious
beliefs or our own internal strength. Whatever the source for
coming to terms with the meaning of our lives both before and
after the death of one we loved, it is important to make this spiritual quest part of the grief journey.
“Finding meaning begins in questioning.
Those who do not search, do not find.” (Anonymous)
HORIZON
A Publication of Hospice
of the Piedmont
Writing Contributors:
Erin Webb, MSW
Bereavement Counselor/Coordinator
Laurie Haan Bayma, MS, BSN, RN
Bereavement Counselor/Coordinator
Denise Kirchner, RN, MN, MPS
Director of Counseling
Design & Layout Contributor:
Denise Ritchie
Administrative Coordinator
Email:
bereavementinfo@hopva.org
Address:
675 Peter Jefferson Parkway,
Suite 300
Charlottesville, VA 22911
Phone:
434.817.6900 or 800.975.5501
SUMMER 2011
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NONOPROFIT
ORGANIZATION
U.S. POSTAGE
PAID
CHARLOTTESVILLE,VA
PERMIT # 320
675 Peter Jefferson Parkway, Suite 300
Charlottesville, VA 22911
A publication dedicated
to grief education, support,
and the offer of hope.
Myth
Self-Care Tip
There are right ways
and wrong ways to
grieve.
Reality
No two people grieve
alike, even when
experiencing the same
loss. Your grief is based
on a variety of factors,
including your relationship
with the deceased, your
personality, other losses,
and current stressors.
Your reactions will be
unique to you.
Listen to your body.
If you need to cry, then cry.
If you need to sleep,
then do so.
If you need to talk to someone,
seek out someone
who can listen.
If you need to reminisce,
then take the needed time.
It is important
throughout the grief process
that you go with the flow
when possible.
HORIZON ● LIVING
WITH
LOSS
BEREAVEMENT CALENDAR OF EVENTS
Advance registration required for all events.
Bereavement Support Groups and Workshops
Bereavement Support Group for Adults
Wednesdays, July 27 - September 14, 2:00 - 3:30pm
Wednesdays, September 21 - November 9, 5:30 - 7:00pm
Meet for eight consecutive weeks to learn about the grieving process and be with others who are grieving. These groups are for adults who have experienced the death of a loved one and three months have
passed since the death.
CALL ASAP TO REGISTER!
Remembering
Our Children
Men’s Breakfast Club
The 3rd Thursday of each month
at 8:30am
Location: the English Inn of
Charlottesville, 2000 Morton Drive
(behind Emmett Street
Bodo’s Bagels)
Be part of a social gathering for
men. Gain support through conversation and connection with
other men experiencing the ups
and downs of grief. (Breakfast
buffet available, payable by
attendee at front desk.)
The 1st Monday
of the month
5:30 – 7:00pm
If you are a parent or
family member who
has experienced the
death of a child, we
invite you to join us for
education about grief
and loss, support, and
healing.
Beginning Your Grief Journey — First Wednesday of Every Month!
Join us for a time of education and sharing for the newly bereaved. We will introduce basic grief concepts and provide time to begin to share the story of your loss in a group setting.
July 6:
1:00 - 3:00pm
August 3: 6:00 - 8:00pm
September 7:
October 5:
1:00 - 3:00pm
6:00 - 8:00pm
Monthly Drop-In Support Sessions
Open bereavement support groups for any adult who has been affected by the death of a friend or
family member. This is an opportunity to discuss grief topics and receive support from others going
through the grief process.
NOW
IN
2
TION
LOCA
S!
2nd Monday of the month
5:30 – 7:00pm
Hospice of the Piedmont
offices
Bereavement calendar updated
regularly on website: www.hopva.org
2nd & 4th Fridays
of the month
3:00 - 4:30pm
Senior Center
1180 Pepsi Place
Charlottesville
In case of inclement weather, events
will be cancelled if that county’s
schools have been closed.
675 Peter Jefferson Parkway, Suite 300, Charlottesville, VA 22911 • 434-817-6900 • 800-975-5501
S U M M E R 2011
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Spring Camp Update
On Saturday, May 14, 2011 The
Journeys Program at Hospice of
Laurie Haan Bayma, MS, BSN, RN
Bereavement Coordinator/Counselor
the Piedmont held its annual
Spring Day Camp at Triple C
Camp. 67 children and teens attended from five counties. This
was our largest group yet! Hospice staff, volunteers, Journeys
Helpers, school counselors, as well as the awesome staff at Triple
C Camp provided group leadership and supervision. Campers created a book where they began to “Tell
their Story,” which included sections related to their loved one who had died. They took photos, played
games, ate great food, flew through the air on the Flying Squirrel, participated in a healing circle, and concluded the day by sending balloons into the air, with notes to their loved ones attached.
FAMILY NIGHT
Thursdays, July 21, 5:30 – 7:00pm
Children (ages 5+), teens and their parents/guardians are
invited to a workshop that will provide support and help answer questions about the grief journey. The workshop will
begin with a light dinner followed by time for all family members to learn together about the basics of the grief journey — education
that is extremely helpful to all ages.
Children and teens will have time with
our art therapists and volunteers for
creative expression, while parents
meet with a bereavement counselor
to further understand their own and their children’s/teen’s
grief journeys — and to introduce the additional services
and support available. The workshop is offered at no
charge due to the generosity of community contributions.
Support Group for Children,
Teens and Parents
Thursdays, 5:30 – 7:00pm
New groups start: September 1
and October 13
Our 6-week groups create a safe space for
families to find healing after a
death. After dinner donated
by a local restaurant, adults
meet with a bereavement
counselor while children/teens
meet with an art therapist and
use art to express their feelings.
Activities and discussions are aimed at
covering specific weekly topics and are
designed to draw out memories, reflect on
loss, and learn coping skills.
FALL FAMILY CAMP
Saturday, November 5 -- Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Journeys Fall Family Overnight Camp will be at Triple C Camp on Route 20, just 6 miles
south of Charlottesville. Children (ages 5+), teens and their families who have experienced
the death of a loved one or close friend are invited. A parent/guardian must accompany
their children coming to this family event. Children and teens who have attended camp with
us before are encouraged to attend each camp we have, as we strive to be a source of support throughout the grief journey and the school-aged years. A variety of activities will be offered — from games and
outdoor experiences, to grief education and activities that will encourage bonding and communication —
while memorializing loved ones. We expect this camp to fill quickly, so we encourage you to get your applications in soon. Applications must be received by Monday, October 31, 2011.
Forms are available at our website www.hopva.org for you to print out and mail.
675 Peter Jefferson Parkway, Suite 300, Charlottesville, VA 22911 • 434-817-6900 • 800-975-5501
S U M M E R 2011 B