●
HUMOR
B
Y
T
O M
B
A K O S
If Fears Were Applesauce
H AT A R E YO U A F R A I D O F ?
W
CAN
YO U M A K E A L I S T ?
If you
need help, the website www.phobialist.com lists more
than 650 different phobias compiled from published
A list of phobias isn’t a complete list of all fears.
Specifically, a phobia is an irrational fear that may
subject you to ridicule and vomiting if you have one.
If you’re manly (or, womanly) and confront your fears,
as you’d be doing if you put them in a list, then they’re
in the much more socially acceptable category called
rational fears. You won’t find the things you can be
rationally afraid on the list of phobias. And, that in
itself is truly frightening because what’s left off has
got to be a much bigger list. For example, there are
no Q or Z things on the phobia list. So, fears of questions, quacks, quality time, zebras, the z axis, Zanzibar, and . . . the list goes on . . . are all rational fears.
You can fear these things without being called crazy,
without thinking you’re crazy, and with no concern
at all that these fears will be considered disruptive to
your normal life. In fact, you can even have a rational fear of qumquats or zylophones—if you don’t
know how to spell.
The whole point of listing our fears is so we can
face them and give them an analytical going-over. It
may still behoove us sometimes to turn our backs
and run like hell, but even then, we should know
when to stop. Even more important than knowing
when to stop is knowing when, or if, to start.
That’s where actuaries can apply their risk analysis expertise and risk exposure acumen to finding
more innovative and effective responses to fear than
flight. Certainly, the classic example of an alternative
to flight is fight as in the advice: Rather than run from
a spider, step on it. This is fine if you’re in your garage
workshop and you’re wearing thick-soled work boots,
thick leather work gloves with flares that come up
well over your wrists, protective goggles with side
protection, a long-sleeved flannel shirt, and top-quality heavy denim jeans. However, if you’re barefoot in
the shower, it’s best to call in reinforcements (in my
case, my wife). Even with a pin-head brain, shower
spiders know that flight is not a viable option for a
barefoot and otherwise bare man. Men, if you have
TOM B AKOS IS A CONSULTING ACTUARY IN
H ARRISBURG , PA . H E CAN BE REACHED AT
TBAKOS @ BLAZENET. NET.
42
Contingencies
January/February
2002
B ONOTOM S TUDIO, I NC .
references, making them, apparently, official.
no other reason for getting married, this would be a
very good one. And, men—suffer no embarrassment
in fearing spiders. Even male spiders often have good
reason to fear the larger female spider (a fear that’s
probably imprinted on the Y chromosome). It’s a rational and understandable fear remnant of the natural selection process that made us men the survivors
we are today.
Getting Back to Normal
Another point of this list-making exercise is to get us
all back to our normal lives while the war goes on.
We need to be reminded that we don’t have to find
new fears when the ones we already have are still
there, and probably even more relevant.
Take the telephone ring, for example. In my office I find the ring of a phone to be kind of exciting.
It’s a new adventure’s way of knocking. The drumroll
of my e-mail notification pulls me from my chair in
much the same way as an office telephone ring. In
great strides I cross the room to satisfy the newly created curiosity.
It is an entirely different matter, however, when
my home phone rings. It’s not a phobia because I
don’t avoid answering the phone. I’m more like the
Manchurian candidate. It’s something I can’t avoid
doing even as the dread builds with each unanswered
ring.
It’s a perfectly rational fear, driven by three or four
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ACTEX
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days not long ago when the only calls I
got at home were from telephone companies trying to get me to switch to their
long-distance service. It was beginning to
seem as if the only reason I needed a telephone was to get telemarketing calls from
telephone companies. My life was beginning to seem futile.
Once again, my wife has come to the
rescue. She always answers the phone at
home; the calls are usually for her anyway.
The Applesauce Simile
1/3
BPP professional training
Page 44
44
Contingencies
January/February
2002
Fear is a pretty useful human emotion, all
things considered, as long as it’s not overdone. Understanding fear isn’t too hard
because it’s the most uncomplicated of the
emotions. It’s either on or off. You either
have it or you don’t. It comes and goes
quickly. The only thing you need to know
about fear is what caused it. It’s not like
anger, hate, pleasure, or love—to name a
few of the more complicated emotions.
Putting those emotions in the same bag
with fear would be like mixing apples
with oranges.
Fear is more like orange juice . . .
tangy and citric. It’s a morning jolt with
or without the pulp. The other emotions
are more like applesauce . . . sweet and
soft, with texture, not a liquid, not a solid. Love, for example, is like warm apple sauce. Anger is like chunky applesauce with cinnamon. Revenge is sweet.
You know, you find yourself chewing applesauce even though there seems no
point to it. It’s just harder to figure out
applesauce.
While fear can be really important and
sometimes save us humans from the hazards of the unknown, most of the time it’s
just a precursor to the annoying. For example, do you watch where you put your
feet when you walk? Dogs don’t. They’ll
step in anything, and they’re barefoot.
They’ve got a lot more at risk than you
do. Dogs will step on spiders barefoot and
not even realize they’re doing it. But if
you’re like me, you pay attention to where
you put your feet because you don’t want
any annoying little surprises.
●
Moving on to Harmony
The fact is that recent attacks on our
way of life have caused us to reassess
our survival strategies and find new
fears in the strangest places. Fingernail
clippers were, for too brief time,
thought to be fearful weapons of destruction and, as a consequence, were
banned from airplanes.
Personally, I think they should be
permanently banned from airplanes
and a lot of other public places too,
but not because they’re a threat to our
way of life. I just think fingernail clippers are an irritating and disgusting
abuse of the freedoms recognized by
our Constitution. If people can’t exercise a little self-control in public
places they ought to have it forced upon them for the good of the greater
community. Can you imagine sitting
next to someone clipping his nails on
an airplane in those tiny little seats,
with fingernail clippings flying all over
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INDEX
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For links to these advertisers’ e-mail addresses and websites,
visit the Contingencies website at www.contingencies.org/linksto_advert.html
COMPANY
PHONE
WEB/FAX
PAGE
Acsys, Inc.
515-224-0446
www.acsysinc.com
21
Actex Actuarial Recruiting
800-282-2839
www.actexmadriver.com
44
Actuarial Careers, Inc.
914-285-5100
www.actuarialcareers.com
Actuarial Resources Corporation
913-451-0044
www.arcval.com
Andover Research Ltd.
212-986-8484
www.andoverresearch.com
BPP Professional Training
860-658-4963
www.bpptraining.com
5
49
7
44
W.M. Buchanan & Associates
913-685-2200
www.wmbuchanan.com
41
Chicago Consulting Actuaries
312-454-3222
www.chicagoconsultingacutaries.com
10
Classic Solutions
312-879-2400
www.cs.com.au
11
COSS Development Corp.
800-776-7087
www.cossdev.com
45
CPS Inc.
708-531-8289
act-eb@cps4jobs.com
25
617-368-3550
Mary@cpsboston-jobs.com
D.W. Simpson & Company
800-837-8338
www.dwsimpson.com
Ernst & Young
312-879-2400
www.ey.com
GeneralCologne Re
203-328-5000
www.gcre.com
27
ING Re
800-203-2559
www.ing-re.com
C4
Jacobson Associates
312-726-1578
www.jacobson-associates.com
32
Mid America Search
515-225-1942
www.midamericasearch.com
38
Milliman USA
206-624-7940
www.milliman.com
1,3
Mitchell Group, The
845-638-2700
www.kennethmitchell.com
28
Pinnacle Group
800-308-7205
www.pinnaclejobs.com
19
PolySystems, Inc.
312-332-5670
www.polysystems.com
C3
C2
17,29,51
PricewaterhouseCoopers
860-240-2005
www.pwcglobal.com
33
Pryor Associates/Pauline Reimer
516-935-0100
www.ppryor.com
43
SC International Ltd.
800-543-2553
www.scinternational.com
37
Scottish Re
704-542-9192
www.scottishre.com
13
Stewart Search
603-430-2122
www.stewartsearch.com
26
Swiss Re
800-376-4647
www.swissre.com
17
Tillinghast-Towers Perrin
404-365-1700
www.tillinghast.com
9
Winklevoss
203-661-0275
www.winklevoss.com
6
46
Contingencies
January/February
2002
the place? Thank God they don’t serve
food anymore.
Anyone who feels the need to carry
fingernail clippers around must be preparing for a fingernail emergency. I can understand fire extinguishers, medical kits,
and even gum. But packing fingernail
clippers shows an incredible inability to
plan ahead.
Consider the following. On average,
fingernails grow about .1 millimeter per
day or 3 millimeters per month. It takes
fingernails 4 to 6 months to completely
replace themselves. I’ve never needed to
carry a fingernail clipper around with me
because I can usually plan to be where my
fingernail clipper is when I need it. I can
go three weeks (plus or minus a week) between clippings, which leaves me plenty
of margin. As a result, I’m never likely to
have a fingernail emergency. Am I that unusual? One scientific biological fact that
may be saving us from even more terror
on airplanes is the fact that toe nails grow
even slower than fingernails.
Just for further comparison, the hair
on your head grows an average of .44 millimeters per day, about one half inch per
month. That’s almost five times the rate
of fingernail growth, yet how many people carry hair clippers around with them?
How many times have you seen people
polish their own shoes in public? Brush
their teeth? Shave their legs?
Obviously, the sane among us agree
that somewhere within the vast grayness
of personal behavior, a line should be
drawn separating appropriate public behavior from the inappropriate. It’s the
same line that separates our personal ability to tolerate or not tolerate the behavior
of others. I guess you now know where I
draw the line with respect to fingernail
clippers. So, watch it!
Despite that, however, in the spirit of
bringing this world together in closer
harmony where we can recognize and
embrace the opportunities diversity creates, I hope, should I ever have an unforeseen need for a fingernail clipper,
that you would without hesitation lend
●
me yours.