Rewording, sentence building and the use of comment
balloons for feedback
Below is a student example based on the Stage 5 History topic Gallipoli and information obtained
from the Australian War Memorial site ‘Encyclopedia’ at
http://www.awm.gov.au/encyclopedia/gallipoli/index.asp
Context
Sandrine was asked to complete a rewording and sentence building task after learning about three
methods of sentence building: paraphrasing, key word note making and synonym substitution.
Sandrine used a different method for each paragraph. In the first paragraph she built her sentences
using key words, in the second she used synonym substitution and in the third she paraphrased.
After the task, Sandrine was asked to reflect on which method she found suited her best.
Comment balloons have been included as a model of how teachers can provide feedback
(assessment for learning) to students. In this case, feedback is provided to a student who is
demonstrating newly learned skills of processing information in order to communicate it in her own
words.
Rewording and sentence building example: Sandrine (Year 9 Chifley College Bidwill Campus)
The Australian Imperial Force went to Egypt at the outbreak of World War 1, during August 1914.
The Australians finally departed from Egypt by ship to the Gallipoli Peninsula, after 4 months of
training. The aim of their mission was to help the British navy to capture Constantinople.
On 25 April 1915, the Australians came to what we call now Anzac Cove and they achieved a fragile
foothold on the slopes above the beach. At first, the allies tried to break through the Turkish lines
and the Turks aimed to drive the allied troops off the peninsula. Giving it everything they had, the
allies’ attempts to break through in August saw the Australian attacks at the Nek and Lone Pine. Each
attempt failed for both sides, and the stalemate which followed lasted throughout 1915.
Even though the Australians were unsuccessful at Gallipoli, during December 1915 they managed to
escape while the deception operation had them under cover and well hidden from the Turks.
Despite the lost and wounded soldiers, the battle was successful in Australia’s eyes.
Sandrine’s reflection (Which method do I prefer? Do I use a combination?)
I usually read over information and jot down in my own words what I understand from it. When I
read a paragraph, I summarise it in my own words using a few sentences, not trying to write it all
down. Sometimes I can’t change things into my own words, so I use the ‘synonym using method’ to
change words, chunks and list orders. I use the Microsoft Word thesaurus to find synonyms if I need
to.
Teacher summary comment
Sandrine,
You have done a great job of rewording these ideas to make them your own. You
have included interpretive comments which show insight and understanding, such
as ‘Giving it everything they had’ and ‘Despite the lost and wounded soldiers, the
battle was successful in Australia’s eyes.’ Your reflection indicates that you really
value understanding ideas and information and your strong understanding DOES
come across in your writing!
© 2010 School Libraries and Information Literacy Unit. Curriculum K–12 Directorate.
NSW Department of Education and Training.
Comment [e1]: Sandrine, you need to
include the information that there were
troops from New Zealand, Britain and
France. You did have these key words
underlined, but didn’t include the info in
your rewording.
Comment [e2]: I would say “now call”
Comment [e3]: A very good
substitution for concerted!
Comment [e4]: Sandrine, this opinion
comment which you have added is
important. Your use of the word ‘lost’ may
be confused with the ‘loss of the battle’ so
I suggest you substitute ‘dead’ for lost.