Like Trees, Let Children
Grow Naturally
T
he moment you start thinking how to help children to grow without
any competitive spirit you are already on the wrong track, because
whatever you are going to do is going to give the children a certain
program. It may be different from the one that you received, but you are
conditioning the children -- with all the best intentions in the world.
The trees go on growing without anybody teaching them how to grow.
The animals, the birds, the whole existence, needs no programming. The
very idea of programming is basically creating slavery - and man has been
creating slaves for thousands of years in different names. When people
become fed up with one name, another name immediately replaces it. A
few modified programmes, a few changes here and there in the
conditioning, but the fundamental thing remains the same - that the
parents, the older generation, want their children to be in a certain way.
According to me, the function of the parents is not how to help the
children grow -- they will grow without you. Your function is to support, to
nourish, to help what is already growing. Don't give directions and don't
give ideals. Don't tell them what is right and what is wrong: let them find it
by their own experience.
Only one thing you can do, and that is share your own life. Tell them
that you have been conditioned by your parents that you have lived within
certain limits, according to certain ideals, and because of these limits and
ideals you have missed life completely, and you don't want to destroy your
children's life. You want them to be totally free -- free of you, because to
them you represent the whole past.
It needs guts and it needs immense love in a father, in a mother, to tell
the children, "You need to be free of us. Don't obey us -- depend on your
own intelligence. Even if you go astray it is far better than to remain a slave
Your function is to
support, to
nourish, to help
what is already
growing. Don't
give directions and
don't give ideals.
Don't tell them
what is right and
what is wrong: let
them find it by
their own
experience.
Only one thing
you can do, and
that is share your
own life
-Osho
JULY 2008
41
and always remain right. It is better
to commit mistakes on your own
and learn from them, rather than
follow somebody else and not
commit mistakes. But then you are
never going to learn anything
except following -- and that is
poison, pure poison."
It is very easy if you love. Don't
ask "how", because "how" means
you are asking for a method, a
methodology, a technique -- and
love is not a technique.
Love your children, enjoy their
freedom. Let them commit
mistakes, help them to see where
they have committed a mistake. Tell
them, "To commit mistakes is not
wrong -- commit as many mistakes
as possible, because that is the way
you will be learning more. But don't
commit the same mistake again and
again, because that makes you
stupid."
So it is not going to be a simple
answer from me. You will have to
figure it out living with your
children moment to moment,
allowing them every possible
freedom in small things.
For example, in my childhood...
and it has been the same for
centuries, the children are being
taught, "Go to bed early, and get up
early in the morning. That makes
you wise."
I told my father, "It seems to be
strange: when I am not feeling
sleepy, you force me to sleep early
in the evening." And in Jaina houses
early in the evening is really early,
because supper is at five o'clock, at
the most six. And then there is
nothing else to do -- the children
should go to sleep.
I said to him, "When my energy is
not ready to go to sleep, you force
me to go to sleep. And when, in the
morning, I am feeling sleepy, you
drag me out of the bed. This seems
to be a strange way of making me
wise! And I don't see the connection
-- how am I going to become wise
by being forced to sleep when I am
not feeling sleepy? And for hours I
lie down in the bed, in the
darkness... time which would have
in some way been used, would have
been creative, and you force me to
sleep. But sleep is not something in
your hands. You cannot just close
your eyes and go to sleep. Sleep
comes when it comes; it does not
follow your order or my order, so
for hours I am wasting my time.
"And then in the morning when
I am really feeling sleepy, you force
me to wake up -- five o'clock, early
in the morning -- and you drag me
out for a morning walk towards the
forest. I am feeling sleepy and you
are dragging me. And I don't see
how all this is going to make me
wise. You please explain it to me!
"And how many people have
become wise through this process?
You just show me a few wise people
-- I don't see anybody around. And
I have been talking to my
grandfather, and he said that it is all
nonsense. Of the whole household,
that old man is the only sincere
man. He does not care what others
will say, but he has told me that it is
all nonsense: `Wisdom does not
come by going early to bed. I have
been going early to bed my whole
life -- seventy years -- and wisdom
has not come yet, and I don't think
it is going to come! Now it is time
for death to come, not for wisdom.
So don't be befooled by these
proverbs.'"
I told my father, "You think it
over, and please be authentic and
true. Give me this much freedom -that I can go to sleep when I feel
sleep is coming, and I can get up
when I feel that it is time, and sleep
is no longer there."
He thought for one day, and the
next day he said, "Okay, perhaps
you are right. You do it according to
yourself. Listen to your body rather
than listening to me."
This should be the principle:
children should be helped to listen
to their bodies, to listen to their
own needs. The basic thing for
parents is to guard the children
from falling into a ditch. The
function of their discipline is
negative.
Remember the word
"negative"... no positive
programming but only a negative
guarding -- because children are
children, and they can get into
something which will harm them,
cripple them. Then too don't order
them not to go, but explain to them.
Don't make it a point of obedience;
still let them choose. You simply
explain the whole situation.
Children are very receptive, and
if you are respectful towards them
they are ready to listen, ready to
understand; then leave them with
their understanding. And it is a
question only of a few years in the
beginning; soon they will be getting
settled in their intelligence, and
your guarding will not be needed at
all. Soon they will be able to move
on their own.
- Osho
Beyond Psychology, Ch 23
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42
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