IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME
An original screenplay by
Nathan Ives
Nathan Ives
nathanlouisives@gmail.com
626.379.4308
WGA 1481182
FADE IN:
Credits roll over A SERIES OF PICTURES of CARRIE, cute 33,
and DAVE, all American, 38. From the pictures they really
seem well suited for each other.
-At a Halloween party, dressed as Bonnie and Clyde.
-A strip of goofy pictures from a photo booth.
-In a kitchen, Carrie stands over a pan stirring it, Dave is
behind her, arms wrapped around her waist.
-In hiking attire, standing on a peak.
-At a fancy restaurant posing with two other couples.
-On the water in a two person kayak.
-On a swing set in the park.
-At the zoo, posed in front of the monkey cage, both
imitating monkeys.
-A self portrait of them kissing.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Dave stands at the counter looking at the menu board.
BARISTA stands across from him waiting, patiently.
A
INT. DAVE’S VOICES ROOM
A well-appointed, large living room with a couch and two
armchairs.
THE FIVE VOICES IN DAVE’S HEAD, who reside in their “room”
(Dave’s head) and sometimes join him in his world, sit in
various places. They are:
NEIL, thirties, very good looking.
LEE, thirties, morose. He wears a black T-shirt with “got
death?” written on it. The look on his face makes Eeyore
look like an eternal optimist.
BILLY, seven, cute kid.
2.
SANDY, thirty-something, very cute in a “girl next door” kind
of way.
ANDREW, mid-thirties, conservative, khakis and a button down.
His iPhone is close at hand on a belt clip.
INTERCUT AS NEEDED
DAVE
(to the Barista)
Sorry...let’s see here...
SANDY
(to Dave)
Get a chai latte with extra whipped
cream, I’m in the mood for
something sweet.
DAVE
(to the Barista)
I’ll have a chai latte with extra
whipped cream.
NEIL
(to Dave, coughs)
Pussy drink.
(and)
The way you’ve been eating lately
you won’t be able to see your penis
soon and girls find that really
attractive.
ANDREW
(to Dave)
It’s also kind of expensive, you
could save almost two dollars with
a green tea. It may not seem like
much now, but over time it really
adds up.
DAVE
(to the Barista)
You know what, sorry, let me get an
iced green tea, no sweetener.
Dave hears a coughing sound at a nearby table.
AT A TABLE
3.
An old customer sits wiping his nose with a hanky, he then
goes back to his crossword puzzle. He has a blanket in his
lap.
BACK TO SCENE
LEE
(to Dave)
I wonder what it feels like
that if you’re really lucky
have five Christmases left,
could also drop dead in the
shop today.
knowing
you
but you
coffee
BILLY
(to Dave)
I want some lemon cake.
DAVE
(to the Barista)
And a piece of lemon cake.
Neil mimes looking for his penis.
together, signing ‘money.’
Andrew rubs his fingers
DAVE (CONT’D)
(to the Barista)
I’m sorry, you know what, no cake,
just the tea.
Billy starts to sniffle and a tear rolls down his cheek.
DAVE (CONT’D)
(to the Barista)
Actually, the cake, too.
you.
Thank
NEIL
(to Dave)
You going to whip out a coupon and
your checkbook to pay for that,
sport?
ANDREW
(to Neil)
What’s wrong with coupons?
NEIL
(to Andrew)
They’re lame.
4.
Dave looks back, there are five people in line behind him
giving him “that” look.
AT A TABLE
Dave sits with his friend JEFF, mid-thirties.
DAVE
I’m going to break up with Carrie.
JEFF
What? Why?
DAVE
She wants the whole marriage and
kids thing and I’m just not ready
to take that step. I feel guilty
wasting anymore of her time.
JEFF
Is she pressuring you?
DAVE
Yes...well, no, but it’s been
almost two years. It’s coming, I
can feel it. I can’t sleep, I’ve
got acid reflux, and I’m constantly
imagining myself out of the
relationship. It’s making me
crazy.
JEFF
Three months ago you were ready to
move in with her.
DAVE
I know, that’s the thing, I just
keep going back and forth and back
and forth. I’m going nuts, I just
need to end it.
JEFF
Considering your track record, this
may be wasted breath, but it’s a
mistake to break up with her. It’s
not Carrie, it’s you.
Dave is clearly distraught, knows Jeff is right.
5.
EXT. SIDEWALK - PASADENA - DAY
Dave walks with intent, a couple of yards behind his voices
follow him in a small pack.
Neil runs ahead and catches up with Dave.
NEIL
It’s only been two years, you can
still do the manly thing and just
stop calling.
DAVE
Yeah, right, I can’t do that to
her.
Neil drops back with the pack. As Sandy tries to run ahead
to Dave, Neil trips her and she falls.
SANDY
(to Neil)
Real mature, asshole.
Sandy gets up and moves to Dave.
SANDY (CONT’D)
Are you going to tell her that you
need your freedom? That it’s
really not her, it’s you? That it
may not seem like it now but it’s
the best for both of you?
(and)
Or are you going to tell her the
truth: that you’re too much of a
coward to really commit? That you
just wasted two years of her life
when she could have been out there
meeting a man who would give her
what she’s always wanted!
DAVE
I don’t know. Probably the freedom
thing. Chill out, will you?
Sandy drops back, and Billy, the seven-year-old, moves
forward to Dave.
BILLY
Better do it now. If you don’t do
it now she’s going to leave you
just like Mom did. Don’t want that
to happen because that wasn’t fun.
(MORE)
6.
BILLY (CONT'D)
Or like the time in college when
you walked in on John Dunkle
playing horsey with your soul mate.
That wasn’t fun either.
DAVE
Thanks, that visual is one of my
favorites.
Billy falls back.
Lee moves up to Dave.
LEE
What does it matter? You’re going
to die eventually and the world
will just go on. Think of the
number of people in history who
have been completely forgotten.
Billions. A few will be
remembered, Jesus, Elvis, maybe Tom
Cruise, albeit for all the wrong
reasons, but not you, you’ve
really had no impact of any
significance on the world and,
given your advanced age, it’s not
likely you will.
Lee falls back.
Neil licks his finger and sticks it in Sandy’s ear, she
reacts.
SANDY
(to Neil)
Will you grow up?! Talk about
arrested development.
Andrew breaks away from the pack and moves up to Dave.
ANDREW
You’re horrible with money. And
when you’re too old to work, you
have no excuse to put on your
homeless sign. You’re not
disabled, you’re not a veteran, and
you’re not a single parent. You’ll
starve. Carrie is very fiscally
responsible, you’d be much better
off with her 401(k) by your side.
7.
DAVE
(to Andrew)
Come on, I’ve got a good job and
I’m not that bad with money.
Andrew gives him a look.
ANDREW
Is that why you keep getting calls
from random numbers in the midwest
with a ‘very important message
concerning your account?’
DAVE
Whatever.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
A large, modern apartment building.
EXT. CARRIE’S APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - DAY
Dave approaches the door and pauses.
forward.
Neil moves quickly
NEIL
Go find a place close by and rub
one out. Then during the eight
minute emotional flat line, break
up with her and get out. It’ll all
be a blur, you won’t feel a thing.
SANDY
(from the back, sarcastic)
There’s a middle school across the
street, just go over there.
Unbelievable.
Suddenly, Billy breaks into tears.
DAVE
(to Billy)
What’s the matter? I thought you
said to break it off?
BILLY
(to Dave)
I’m not ready. It makes me sad. I
I don’t want to by myself.
8.
DAVE
(to Billy)
Jesus, we’ve been through this.
You cry when we get too close and
you cry when we get too far. What
the....?
SANDY
(to Dave)
Don’t be so mean. He’s just a kid.
Lee leans down close to Billy.
LEE
(to Billy)
Nothing matters.
Andrew pulls a ten dollar bill out of his wallet, leans down
and hands it to Billy.
ANDREW
Feel better?
Billy sniffles, wipes his nose on his sleeve, and nods.
Sandy kneels beside him, comforting him, and gives Lee and
Andrew a mean look.
INT. CARRIE’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - DAY
Carrie adds cheese to the top of a pan of lasagna before
sliding it into the oven.
Dave enters, His voices have disappeared.
CARRIE
Hey, baby.
Dave automatically moves to her and kisses her.
DAVE
Hey sweets, God that smells good.
Carrie wipes her hands on a towel and hugs
Dave.
CARRIE
I really missed you today.
DAVE
You don’t miss me every day?
9.
CARRIE
Not so much. Most days I’m too
focused on my other boyfriend.
DAVE
Is he sweet and charming like me?
CARRIE
(closing the oven,
unaffected)
No, but he’s got a huge cock.
Dave smiles and rolls his eyes. Carrie presses the button on
a food processor, nothing happens.
CARRIE (CONT’D)
What’s wrong with this thing? I
just shredded the cheese with it
ten minutes ago.
Dave gets up and moves to her. He presses a few buttons,
wiggles the cord in the back, then unplugs it.
He looks at the outlet and presses the breaker button.
DAVE
Outlet breaker tripped.
He plugs the food processor back in, presses the button, and
it works.
Carrie wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him.
CARRIE
My knight in shining armor,
whatever would I do without you?
INT. DAVE’S VOICES ROOM
Neil is leaned back on the couch, legs spread, and scratches
himself.
NEIL
You’re about to find out!
SANDY
More like rusted armor.
BACK TO SCENE
10.
DAVE
You’d have figured it out.
CARRIE
Maybe.
DAVE
You would have.
CUT TO:
INT. DAVE’S VOICES ROOM
Dave is now in the room and paces back and forth.
NEIL
No, she wouldn’t have. Enough of
the cutesy bullshit. Will you
please grow a pair and get this
over with?
ANDREW
Sleeping on the cold, wet concrete
when you’re seventy-five is going
to be really uncomfortable.
Neil rolls his eyes.
SANDY
I like the way you don’t let on
that anything is wrong. It’s
really mature. Lead her on, lead
her on, lead her on...and then
WHAM! Like a fucking freight train
she never knew was coming.
DAVE
(to Sandy)
Will you stop already?
just...you know...
I’m
SANDY
(to Dave)
A coward?
NEIL
(to Dave)
Pussy.
DAVE
I’m just finding the right time.