Generations United Webinar April 19, 2012
Kim Sumner-Mayer, PhD, LMFT
Loyalty, Legacy, & Choices
1 of 8
CAREGIVERS ARE THE STEWARDS OF THE PARENT—CHILD
RELATIONSHIP
Whether or not the parent is involved in the child’s/teen’s life, they are present
in the family system. Caregivers must help children understand their parents’
place in their lives. They do this purposefully and openly, or unconsciously
and/or covertly by how they relate with and talk about parents.
When parental contact is nonexistent, inconsistent, confusing, disruptive, or
upsetting to a child, it is especially important for caregivers to mediate
children’s ideas about who their parents are/were, and who THEY are and can
become.
What makes this so difficult?
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Daily demands of caregiving, especially with limited resources
Health problems often faced by aging caregivers
Role strain for working caregivers
Strain on caregivers’ marital/partner relationships
Resentment/sadness over lost hopes/plans for their “golden years”
Grief over the loss of their child (the parent)/ dreams for child’s life/ witnessing
effects of parent’s behavior on the children
 Lack of social validation that their family has experienced a serious loss
 Fear re: children’s choices/behavior, esp. re: drug use/addiction, criminal behavior,
teen pregnancy, etc.
Without healthy coping and adequate support, caregivers have difficulty
supporting children’s healthy identity development. What does this look like?
 Feelings and behavior toward parent:
o Resentment
o Overfunctioning/underfunctioning—not allowing parent to perform parental
functions, or being overly critical of parent’s efforts
o Barrier for meaningful parent/child connection—refusal or inability to facilitate
positive contact
 How it plays out with child
o Prevents CG from being able to coach parent in messaging to children
o Projecting fears/perceptions of parent on to child
o Prevents CG from identifying parent’s positive attributes and connecting these
with child’s attributes
o Prevents CG from encouraging healthy risk-taking by child
o Difficulty facilitating positive parent/child contact, connections
o Set child up for rebellion (defending/honoring parent) and/or depression
Generations United Webinar April 19, 2012
Kim Sumner-Mayer, PhD, LMFT
Loyalty, Legacy, & Choices
2 of 8
FACILITATING HEALTHY IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT AND
POSITIVE CHOICES1
FOUR CRITICAL ELEMENTS:
Identity - youth’s identification with their parent
Loyalty - youth’s demonstration of loyalty and allegiance to their parent
Legacy - repeating parental and/or family patterns, behaviors, traditions, goals and values
Community - status, opportunities, skills, resources and expectations
IDENTITY: Youth’s identification with parent.
Goal = Identity formation and “re-formation”. Who am I? What are my skills/talents?
Dilemma for child: “If I’m like my mom/dad and my mom/dad’s all bad, then I’m all bad”; “I
can’t be good AND be like my mom/dad?”
Interventions: Can be delivered by parent and/or caregiver
 “…These are my [your parent’s] talents and strengths…I [She, He] will, could or should
have used them to become…”
 “…These are the talents and strengths you have…You could use them to become…(OR)
how are you going to use them?”
 “…You and I [your parent] are very similar, but I [your parent would] want you to make
decisions that will be different from mine [theirs] (i.e., school, occupation, parenthood)”
These interventions honor the child’s loyalty to parent, while giving permission to be
different.
LOYALTY: Youth’s demonstration of allegiance to parent. Fact: Children NEED positive
affiliation w/ parent, no matter the parent’s behavior/ problems/ choices/ actions. If they can’t
feel good about parent, it’s very hard to feel good about self. Fact: If we put “identifying with
parent” and “good behavior” on opposite ends of a false dichotomy, child will almost always
choose allegiance with parent over good behavior. Let’s not make them choose!
Goal: Identify alternative ways of demonstrating loyalty
1
This framework and interventions originally articulated by Joseph Crumbley © 2009. Adapted here for use with
grandfamilies with his permission. For more information, call 215-884-7889 or contact Dr. Crumbley at
www.drcrumbley.com.
Generations United Webinar April 19, 2012
Kim Sumner-Mayer, PhD, LMFT
Loyalty, Legacy, & Choices
3 of 8
Interventions: Can be delivered by parent and/or caregiver
 “…You don’t have to fight with others about my [your parent’s] innocence, guilt, addiction,
incarceration…”
 “…You don’t have to speak up or defend me [your parent]. I [She/ He] can speak up and
advocate for myself [themselves], as an adult.” (Or, “I can speak up and advocate for you
and your parent, as your Grandma”). This intervention helps to reestablish appropriate
boundaries and authority, especially important in families where role reversal has been
prevalent.
 “…You don’t have to make the same decision or choices I [your parent] made in order to
show me [them] you’re loyal to me [them] or love me [them] (unconditionally, given my
[their] mistakes).”
 “That was my [your parent’s] choice; it doesn’t have to be yours.”
 “You can make me [your parent] feel proud of you and supported by you, by…(i.e., not
fighting, getting an education, not getting pregnant, not joining a gang…)”
Separates the parent’s behavior from their being/essence, and allows child to connect
with that being & essence while making different choices.
LEGACY:
Repeating parental and/or family patterns, behaviors, traditions, goals and
values.
Goal: Enhancing and re-defining family traditions, values, goals, “rites of passage”, and role
models
INTERVENTIONS: Can be delivered by parent and/or caregiver. If caregiver delivering these,
be careful to clarify that these are statements of intent, not promises; caregiver does not have
power to fulfill parent’s intentions. If parent is not ready to fulfill these new expectations,
caregiver identifies themselves as the new role model.
 “…You’re going to see me start…(i.e., my own business, going to classes, not use drugs,
stay out of prison), because you and the family deserve the best from me [her/him], just like
your children and family will deserve the best from you.” (Identifies change, new
expectations, and new intergenerational legacy)
 “…You’re going to see me around more, because children need their parents like your
children will need you…”
 “…Violence and drugs in the home will not be tolerated if you or any other family member
want to live in this home.” (New rules)
Generations United Webinar April 19, 2012
Kim Sumner-Mayer, PhD, LMFT
Loyalty, Legacy, & Choices
4 of 8
 “…I [your parent] plan to be around so that I can help and see you graduate from high
school (or college) and my grandchildren graduate, and my great-grandchildren graduate
and take care of their families.”
 “You’re going to be the first one in our family to…”
Each of these focuses on change; identifies new expectations of the parent or
caregiver; and identifies a new intergenerational legacy.
These interventions promote belonging, even with someone the child doesn’t know (but
feels loyalty toward). They also give children permission to be different, while
acknowledging/admitting parent’s mistakes.
COMMUNITY
Goal: Provide resources and opportunities as an alternative to underachieving, addictionprone, and/or criminal lifestyles.
Resources include basic educational skills & outcomes; specific skills training and occupations
to be self-sufficient; basic standards of housing, heath care, nutrition, clothing, protection;
supports and services for parents returning from addiction treatment, prison, etc.
Messaging re: resources:
 “Reality is, the odds are against you. Are you going to be a victim, or a survivor?”
 “What do you need to do to beat the odds?”
 Teach the odds and identify skills, resources, and decisions necessary to beat the odds.
FOR MORE INFORMATION:
Kim Sumner-Mayer, PhD, LMFT
Senior Advisor
Center on Addiction and the Family
at Phoenix House
164 West 74 St
New York, NY 10023
(646) 505-2063
ksumner-mayer@phoenixhouse.org
www.coaf.org
www.phoenixhouse.org
Generations United Webinar April 19, 2012
Kim Sumner-Mayer, PhD, LMFT
Loyalty, Legacy, & Choices
5 of 8
PARENT—CHILD REUNIFICATION TASKS2
For parent—child reunification to be successful, parents must AT A MINIMUM, do all the
following things. However, even if the parent is unable, unwilling, or unavailable to do these
things, the child will benefit from their caregiver helping them work through as many of these
issues as possible. Therefore, under each task there is the “caregiver version” of this task, to
be worked on with a child when the parent is unavailable.
1. Engage the youth in a loss and grief process related to issues of separation, rejection or
placement.
 Caregiver version: Recognize and validate that the separation is a loss for
the child. Give child permission to express feelings about this loss.
2. Exonerate and free the youth of any guilt, blame or responsibility for their placement,
separation, or the parent’s current situation (i.e., addiction tx, incarceration, etc).
 Caregiver version: Give explicit message that the parent’s absence is not
the child’s fault.
3. Accept responsibility for not being able to care for the youth, if appropriate.
 Caregiver version: Without trashtalking parent, place responsibility for
parent’s absence on the parent’s choices and (if addiction is present)
sickness. If child makes excuses for parent or blames “the system”, caregiver
gently reminds child that the parent’s own actions are responsible for their
absence. This must be done respectfully so that child does not feel he/she must
defend parent to caregiver.
4. Address and acknowledge past trauma or negative experience the child may remember
being inflicted by or occurring while with their parent.
 Caregiver version: Understand child’s current behavior as a response to
previous trauma. Ask child to share about times when they were scared, sad,
angry, worried, lonely, hurt, etc. because of parent’s choices/behavior. Validate
the child’s feelings about things that happened in the past.
5. Not make unrealistic promises to the youth (i.e., release dates, re-unification).
 Caregiver version: No unrealistic promises re: parent’s behavior. Help
children understand parent’s unrealistic promises--clarify that parent may
WANT to fulfill promise, but that the parent cannot guarantee the actual outcome.
2
Parental tasks originally outlined by Joseph Crumbley © 2009. Adapted here for use with
grandfamilies with his permission. For more information, call 215-884-7889 or contact Dr. Crumbley at
www.drcrumbley.com.
Generations United Webinar April 19, 2012
Kim Sumner-Mayer, PhD, LMFT
Loyalty, Legacy, & Choices
6 of 8
6. Be prepared to “earn rather than being ascribed” trust, loyalty and respect from the
youth.
 Caregiver version: You must accept the child’s level of loyalty toward
parent. This can be difficult when child seems to have “blind trust” in a parent, or
when caregiver wants child to trust and respect parent but child does not.
7. Accept the youth’s level of attachment (i.e., provider, disciplinarian, protector, advocate,
advisor, mentor, friend, support, and nurturer) to parent.
 Caregiver version: You must accept the child’s level of attachment to the
parent as well. You don’t need to push for more or less attachment—just
respect the child’s reality and validate their feelings.
8. Accept and allow the child’s attachment and respect for others (especially caregivers)
during and after the parent’s incarceration/ absence.
 Caregiver version: Be careful not to stoke child’s resistance to your authority/
inhibit their attachment to you by trying to undermine their attachment to their
parent. No trashtalking the parent to the child, even when you have to share
information about parent’s bad choices and responsibility for those choices. The
child must have permission (but not requirement) to love and respect their
parent in order to accept your authority.3
3
Understand that you are the safe base—they can afford to defy you because they know you will be
there for them. They cannot afford to (further) alienate the parent, who is already absent, so the child
will often “side with” the parent against you if you push for an either/or split of affection and loyalty.
Generations United Webinar April 19, 2012
Kim Sumner-Mayer, PhD, LMFT
Loyalty, Legacy, & Choices
7 of 8
THE V-C-R MODEL
For requesting or requiring behavior change
(Hardy & Laszloffy, 20054)
VALIDATE and affirm emotion, intention, personal quality, or desire
– Must be genuine
– Shows person you “see” the good in them, respect them
– Earns the right to go to next step
CHALLENGE gently but firmly
– Express concern about current behavior as not aligned with goals, or
as hurting themselves or someone else
– Preferably using a quality you affirmed while validating
REQUEST behavior change
– Specify what you’d like person to do differently
– Preferably honoring the quality you affirmed in 1st step
4
From Hardy, K.V., & Laszloffy, T. (2005), Teens Who Hurt, New York: Guilford.
Generations United Webinar April 19, 2012
Kim Sumner-Mayer, PhD, LMFT
Loyalty, Legacy, & Choices
8 of 8
Loyalty, Legacy, & Choices: Caregiver Profiles for V-C-R Practice Scenarios
Using your knowledge and experience with caregivers, create a V-C-R dialogue guide for the caregivers
profiled below.
THE TRASHTALKER
 Caregiver angry at parent’s behavior; often acutely aware of/ grieving how parent has hurt child
 Can’t validate child’s grief or sadness about separation b/c of caregiver’s anger
 Child can’t express sadness or positive emotions re: parent.
THE SEPARATIST: CAREGIVER TELLS CHILD, “You’re nothing like your mother/father”
 Unable to see parent’s positive qualities and connect these with child’s positive qualities
 Sets up false dichotomy for child: either be good or be like/ loyal to parent
 If child compliant, then disloyal to parent (and likely to feel guilty). If child loyal to parent, then
they equate this with bad choices/behavior. Sets child up for guilt and/or rebellion
 And beyond adolescence to next-generation implications: when child becomes parent, how
reconcile all the mixed messaging re: loyalty to parent as they begin to nurture their own child?
THE PROJECTOR (OF NEGATIVE QUALITIES): “You’re just like your mother/father”
 Often driven by caregiver’s fear of child repeating parent’s mistakes
 Caregiver can’t see how child is unique and different from parent
 Message to child is that the parent is bad and they are bad—therefore another false
dichotomy: “if I identify with my parent I’m bad and I must do bad things. If I do good things,
I’m rejecting my parent”.
 Misses opportunities to help child develop their own special talents & passions
REACTIVE OR CLUELESS RE: CHILD’S LOYALTY
 Child idealizes parent and this drives caregiver nuts
 Child engages in behavior that caregiver doesn’t understand as a function of loyalty—taking
inappropriate risks; getting into fights (defending parent’s honor); idealizing parent and
disrespecting or vilifying caregiver; fantasizing about life with parent; etc.
BLINDLY LOYAL TO PARENT (THIS PATTERN IS ABOUT CAREGIVER’S LOYALTY DILEMMA, AND ONLY
SECONDARILY ABOUT CHILD’S):
 Caregiver allows personal and family boundaries to be pushed by parent in ways that endanger
children
 Caregiver cannot prioritize protecting children over supporting parent
 Child learns vicariously that parent’s needs are more important than their own, and they see
poor boundaries modeled in the home.
 Children cannot trust that their caregiver will protect them—replicating earlier attachment
trauma w/ parent