Online Journal 5.1
Roles in Personal Relationships
Select a relationship in which you relate closely with another person. It may be with your
best friend, a lover, or a member of your family with whom you have developed a highly
personal relationship. As you choose a relationship, think about those individuals with
whom you have a fairly long relational history and thus know a great deal of
psychological information about them.
Next, examine the types of roles that you perform in the selected relationship. How many
different roles do you perform? Give some examples of concrete situations in which you
play the various roles. (As the text notes, roles might include things such as fellow
students in a class, companions who travel together, partners in playing a game or
enjoying a recreational activity, or being a supporter or confidant who tries to be helpful.)
Use the space below for your response:
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Online Journal 5.2
Formality and Informality in Interpersonal Relationships
Think about the various kinds of interpersonal situations in which you communicate and
how you develop formal and informal styles of communication with the various
relationships in your life. First, fill in the name of a person with whom you relate for each
category and check off the most appropriate box on the formal/informal style continuum.
Then, provide examples that illustrate how you communicate with that person in formal
or informal ways.
1. A very good friend that you have known for a long time: __________________
Very formal
Somewhat formal
Formal or informal,
depending on the
situation
Somewhat informal
Very informal
1
_____
2
_____
3
_____
4
_____
5
_____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person
formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how
you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and
expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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2. A family member that you see on a frequent basis, perhaps daily: _________________
Very formal
Somewhat formal
Formal or informal,
depending on the
situation
Somewhat informal
Very informal
1
_____
2
_____
3
_____
4
_____
5
_____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person
formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how
you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and
expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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3. A family member that you do not see on a frequent basis: _____________________
Very formal
Somewhat formal
Formal or informal,
depending on the
situation
Somewhat informal
Very informal
1
_____
2
_____
3
_____
4
_____
5
_____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person
formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how
you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and
expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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4. A co-worker or classmate that you relate to principally in a professional or academic
type of interaction: __________________
Very formal
Somewhat formal
Formal or informal,
depending on the
situation
Somewhat informal
Very informal
1
_____
2
_____
3
_____
4
_____
5
_____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person
formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how
you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and
expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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5. A co-worker or classmate with whom you commonly have a personal relationship as
well as a professional or academic type of interaction : __________________
Very formal
Somewhat formal
Formal or informal,
depending on the
situation
Somewhat informal
Very informal
1
_____
2
_____
3
_____
4
_____
5
_____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person
formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how
you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and
expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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6. A person in a professional setting or in the academic environment whose status or
position of power is considerably different from yours: __________________
Very formal
Somewhat formal
Formal or informal,
depending on the
situation
Somewhat informal
Very informal
1
2
3
4
5
_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person
formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how
you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and
expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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7. A person in a professional setting or in the academic environment whose status or
position of power is relatively equal to yours: __________________
Very formal
Somewhat formal
Formal or informal,
depending on the
situation
Somewhat informal
Very informal
1
_____
2
_____
3
_____
4
_____
5
_____
Describe several characteristic situations that illustrate how you interact with this person
formally or informally. Elaborate on some of the rules of the relationship that govern how
you communicate formally or informally by considering such things as the meanings and
expectations for using verbal versus nonverbal expressions.
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Online Journal 5.3
Hierarchies of Exclusiveness: The Guest List
One practical way of recognizing your hierarchy of relationships in terms of how
exclusive they are is to think about the different people you know and who you would
invite to join you in celebrating an occasion. In other words, who would be included on
your guest list?
1. Whom would you invite to an intimate dinner celebrating a milestone in your life, such
as a birthday or an academic accomplishment? (Prepare a list of names and then
determine the total number of people you would invite.)
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2. Whom would you invite to an afternoon-long party celebrating a milestone in your life,
such as a birthday or an academic accomplishment, if you were limited to ten
individuals?
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3. Whom would you invite to attend an open house celebrating a milestone in your life,
such as a birthday or an academic accomplishment, if you were limited to thirty
individuals?
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Online Journal 5.4
Qualities and Expectations of Friendship
How many people do you count as being your best friend(s)? List the names of those
individuals.
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In general, how important is each of the following qualities or expectations to the way
that you define friendship? Rank order each of the following qualities on a number scale
between 1 and 6. Assign 1 to the item that is most important to you and 6 to the least
important element. Then, designate the others by writing in 2, 3, 4, or 5.
Honesty:
Responsible:
Intelligent:
Cultured:
Dynamic:
Creative:
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_____
_____
_____
_____
_____
Next, make your own list of additional items that are some of the qualities and
expectations that you use to define friendship.
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Elaborate on several of the items in the first list where you did the rankings as well as the
second listing where you identified your own personal preferences. Why do you feel that
these are the most important qualities or expectations of friendship? Use examples to
explain why these qualities and expectations are important.
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Online Journal 5.5
Qualities and Expectations of Romantic Relationships
In general, how important is each of the following qualities or expectations for being in a
romantic relationship? Rank order each of the following qualities on a number scale
between 1 and 8. Assign 1 to the item that is most important to you and 6 to the least
important element. Then, designate the others by writing in 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7.
Trust:
Caring:
Friendship:
Honesty:
Respect:
Passion:
Commitment:
Intimacy:
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Next, make your own list of additional items that are some of the qualities and
expectations that you use to define what it means to be in a romantic relationship.
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Elaborate on several of the items in the first list where you did the rankings as well as the
second listing where you identified your own personal preferences. Why do you feel that
these are the most important qualities or expectations of being in a romantic relationship?
Use examples to explain why these qualities and expectations are important.
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Online Journal 5.6
Your “Stock Story” for Meeting People
How do you commonly relate to people when you first meet them? What “stock story” do
you usually tell about yourself to give others some general insight into who you are?
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Tell your story.
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Online Journal 5.7
Personal Narratives
Reflect on some of the stories of your life, and then think of the particular persons with
whom you have shared them. It’s likely that you have shared the most personal of these
narratives with only a select few people.
What are the characteristics of the relationships in which you have chosen to share your
personal narratives?
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Online Journal 5.8
Strategies for Reducing Uncertainty
Recall a recent situation in which you met an individual or a group of people for the first
time. Which strategies of uncertainty reduction did you use? Describe the specific way
that you used a passive strategy of unobtrusive observation, an active strategy of finding
out information about the target person from someone else you knew, or an interactive
strategy of speaking directly with the new person.
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Next, consider whether what you did in this situation was consistent with how you
commonly approach new communication situations. Was this situation pretty much
typical for you, or was it more of an exception to what you normally do? Explain your
answer, providing details.
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Online Journal 5.9
Breadth and Depth of Self-Disclosure
Assess how sensitive each of the following topics of self-disclosure is to you. Give each
topic a rating using the following seven-point scale:
1
Not very
sensitive
(I am likely to
share this
information
with just about
anybody I
meet.)
2
Somewhat not
sensitive
3
Not sensitive
4
Neutral
5
Sensitive
6
Somewhat
sensitive
7
Very sensitive
(I am likely to
share this
information
only with my
most intimate
relational
partners or
perhaps not
with anyone at
all.)
Note: If a topic does not apply to your experience, give it a 4.
_____ 1. My taste in music
_____ 2. Where I come from
_____ 3. Descriptions of my siblings
_____ 4. What kind of work that I do
_____ 5. My political views
_____ 6. Some of my religious beliefs and practices
_____ 7. Information about my sexual orientation
_____ 8. How I decided to attend my school
_____ 9. Where I live
_____ 10. Attitudes toward controversial social issues
_____ 11. How I got my last job
_____ 12. My health status
_____ 13. A recent sexual experience
_____ 14. My future professional goals
_____ 15. An embarrassing experience
As you reflect on the topics, consider how communicating about some of them reveals
the kinds of information you share easily and comfortably early in a relationship and
probably with a number of people. Self-disclosing on these topics is part of your breadth
of self-disclosure. You likely scored these topics 6’s or 7’s.
Other topics, in contrast, are more sensitive and therefore shared later in the development
of a relationship and probably with relatively few people. You probably scored these as
1’s or 2’s. These topics represent the depth of self-disclosure.
For further reflection, choose a couple of the topics that you designated as having low
sensitivity—say, those with 1’s or 2’s. What is your relative comfort level with these
topics, and to how many people you are likely to disclose this information? What is it
about these topics that make them less sensitive?
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Then, by contrast, highlight a few of the topics that you marked as being much more
sensitive. How selective are you in determining with whom to entrust with this
information? What is it about these topics that make them more sensitive? What kinds of
considerations do you take into account when making the judgment of whether or not to
share these topics with another person?
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Online Journal 5.10
Interpreting Self-Disclosures
Draw on your experiences in communicating with others. Think of a situation in which
someone shared information with you and how you interpreted his or her decision to do
so.
How did you feel about the other person as a result of his or her disclosure? In
determining that, attempt to separate the impact that the actual content information had
on you from the way you felt about the person for sharing it with you. For instance, you
might have felt that he or she was assuming greater risk than had been the case before, or
you might have felt hurt that he or she had not shared this information with you earlier.
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Online Journal 5.11
Choosing to Self-Disclose
Think of a situation in which you had to decide whether to make a self-disclosure to
someone. Which of the following did you take into account in making your choice to
disclose or not disclose the information? Provide examples to illustrate your decision
making.

Will the potential cost of making the self-disclosure outweigh the benefit of
doing so?

Will the person to whom I am self-disclosing feel comfortable with the depth
of information to be shared, and will I feel comfortable in sharing this
information?

Are the levels of trust and intimacy in our relationship fitting for this level of
self-disclosure?

Is this the right time and place to share a personal disclosure?

Will sharing the information communicate relational messages?
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Online Journal 5.12
Relationship Maintenance Strategies
Evaluate the ways you and a relational partner communicate in terms of:
1. Showing Positiveness: My relational partner and I are polite and courteous to one
another when we talk and cooperate in handling conflict issues.
Reflect on some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this relational
maintenance strategy when you communicate with one another. Are you successful, or is
this a matter for growth and change?
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2. Demonstrating Openness: My relational partner and I are willing to tell one another
how we each feel about our relationship and are able to disclose want we want or need
from our relationship.
Reflect on some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this relational
maintenance strategy when you communicate with one another. Are you successful, or is
this a matter for growth and change?
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3. Providing Reassurances: My relational partner and I demonstrate our commitment to
one another and to our relationship. We express love and affection for one another and
demonstrate willingness to invest time, energy and ourselves in the relationship.
Reflect on some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this relational
maintenance strategy when you communicate with one another. Are you successful, or is
this a matter for growth and change?
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4.Integrating into Social Networks: My relational partner and I have a meaningful
network of friends and affiliations with whom we like to spend time as a couple. We
include our friends and/or family members in our activities.
Reflect on some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this relational
maintenance strategy when you communicate with one another. Are you successful, or is
this a matter for growth and change?
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5. Sharing Tasks and Responsibilities: My relational partner and I both take part in
handling joint responsibilities. We each do a fair share household work, such as practical
chores and day-to-day maintenance.
Reflect on some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this relational
maintenance strategy when you communicate with one another. Are you successful, or is
this a matter for growth and change?
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Online Journal 5.13
Internal Dialectics
When two values, or “goods,” are in dialectical tension, you may want both of them. For
instance, you may enjoy the companionship that comes from being with other people but
still need the solace that comes from being by yourself. Similarly, you may like the
comfort of being in a predictable and stable relationship, in which the rules are crystal
clear, yet feel the need to break out of the box and do something zany and unpredictable.
Or you might consider the value of sharing certain information while also recognizing
that some things are better left unsaid. In each of these kinds of situations, you will feel a
tension between the opposing poles of conflicting “goods.”
Draw on your experiences from various relationships to develop examples of the three
principal types of internal relational dialectics.
1. Autonomy/Connection: The need for autonomy, in terms of independence,
separateness, and individuality, along with the need to be connected, in terms of
interdependence or closeness.
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2. Novelty/Predictability: The need for novelty, as experienced by the desire to meet new
people and do new things, along with the need for predictability, in which there is
stability and a sense of routine.
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3. Openness/Closedness: The need for disclosure, in which relational partners share their
thoughts and feelings, along with the need for closedness, in which the value of privacy
and boundaries are recognized.
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Online Journal 5.14
External Dialectics
Reflect on the various social networks to which you and another person with whom you
have a primary relationship are connected. For instance, how do you and a best friend
relate to the social network comprised of your larger circle of friends? Or how do you as
a member of an immediate family or a romantic couple interact with members of one or
more extended families or to people in the community?
After reflecting on these connections, answer the following questions:
1. How do you experience dialectical tension around issues of inclusion and seclusion?
Think about how you encounter tension between being integrated into the larger social
network and having opportunities for separateness from that network.
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2. How do you experience dialectical tension around issues of conventionality and
uniqueness? Think about how you and your primary relational partner can have your
relationship accepted and legitimized by your larger social network yet also maintain
your own separate integrity as a couple.
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3. How do you experience dialectical tension around issues of revelation and
concealment? Think about how you can keep certain topics private and thus not privy to
members of your extended social network yet also express what is relevant and
meaningful for maintaining connections with that network.
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Online Journal 5.15
Conflict Styles
Our response to conflict develops as a pattern of interaction.
Reflect upon one of your relationships. It may be with a friend, a romantic partner or a
family member. Examine the patterns of behavior that you use as you respond to
conflict. Keep in mind that in identifying a pattern of behavior, your focus is on the how
you and the other person interact with one another.
First, identify how you and your relational partner are more or less likely to respond to a
conflict.
1. Approaching conflict as a win-lose situation. To what degree is one or both of you
likely to see conflict as a win-lose situation in which one party’s gain is the other’s loss?
Describe some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this conflict
strategy or are successful in avoiding its use.
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2. Playing the blame game. To what degree is one or both of you likely to play the
“blame game” in which you each attempt to find the other to be more at fault for the
conflict?
Describe some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this conflict
strategy or are successful in avoiding its use.
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3. Strategies of self-protection. To what degree is one or both of you likely to respond
to conflict using one of the strategies of self-protection? For instance, by adopting the
stance of being indifferent, trying to control one another, and/or by using a compliance
stance?
Describe some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this conflict
strategy or are successful in avoiding its use.
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4. To what degree is one or both of you likely to respond to conflict by using aggressive
and/or passive-aggressive behavior?
Describe some concrete examples of ways that you and your partner use this conflict
strategy or are successful in avoiding its use.
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Next, address one of the following questions as it may apply in your circumstances.



If one party in the relationship is very likely to use one or more of these
responses, what impact does this have on responses of the other member in the
relationship?
If both parties in the relationship are very likely to use one or more of these
responses, what impact does it have on your relationship?
If both parties in the relationship are not very likely to use these four conflict
styles, what impact does that have on the relationship?
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Online Journal 5.16
Managing Conflict
Reflect on a time when you and a relational partner experienced a conflict and dealt with
it constructively. Use these questions to analyze the situation:
1. How did you and your partner manage the conflict using some of the following
strategies for constructive waging of the conflict?
 Understand your emotions as you confront the conflict.
 Understand the conflict situation, yourself, and the other as you explore the
conflict.
 Find common ground.
 Brainstorm possible solutions.
 Choose a solution that both of you like and then implement it.
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2. What positive outcomes came from confronting your conflict situation and dealing
with it constructively? In particular, how did the conflict and the way you resolved it lead
to growth and result in your having a deeper and healthier relationship?
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Online Journal 5.17
Weighing the Costs and Rewards of Staying in a Relationship
Earlier in this module, we looked at George Homans’s (1958) social exchange theory in
the context of decisions that individuals make in comparing the costs and rewards of selfdisclosure. This theory can also be used to weigh the costs and rewards of staying in a
relationship.
Think of it like the balance sheet that an accountant studies, in which assets and liabilities
are identified and considered against one another to determine equity, or final value.
Using this metaphor, every relationship has certain liabilities, or costs, as well as certain
assets, or rewards. When the rewards exceed the costs, there is equity in the relationship
and the partners are motivated to stay in it. But when the costs exceed the rewards, the
partners are likely to consider other alternatives, such as leaving the relationship entirely
or initiating relationships with others.
1. Use social exchange theory to reflect on a time when you decided to end a relationship.
In what way did the costs of being in the relationship outweigh the rewards?
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2. Social exchange theory also suggests that we make choices by weighing the
alternatives: that is, staying in a relationship versus leaving. In your relationship example,
how did the costs and rewards of remaining in the relationship compare to the costs and
rewards of leaving?
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3. Examine your choice in light of the alternatives associated with leaving the
relationship: for instance, of developing other relationships or of not being in a
relationship at all. How significant were these alternatives in reaching your decision?
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