Buses… Kill me now!
What’s the crack with buses?! The government are constantly trying to get us to use them more and more, but they're
never there on time and even after having waited half an hour you can't get a seat. Public transport these days. Tut!
Unfortunately for me, I have to travel 8 times a week on a bus, by myself. This gives me plenty of time to sit and
study the various types of peoples who travel by bus... And so I bring you the I-Spy book of rejects on busses.
1)
The O.A.P's:
Appearance: White hair, usually permed, carry walking sticks to wave at misbehaving youths, pushing a small,
tweed shopping trolley that takes up most of the room on the bus.
Characteristics: Turning round and glaring at any misbehaving youths who yell out naughty words such as
“hell” or “god”, most OAPs class even the gentlest of swear words as a criminal offence. They usually take the
bus because they can’t drive anymore.
2)
The Chavs:
Appearance: Lots of bling, tracksuits, elaborate orange make up, scrunchies, favourite accessories are children
and are usually spotted carrying at least two.
Characteristics: Giving EVERYONE the evils. Smoking, yet making a pathetic attempt to disguise it but
blowing their smoke in the vague direction of the window they forgot to actually open. Teaching their 2-year-old
chav baby how to sing Babycakes along to a ringtone (seriously, this has happened)!
3)
The Immature Cocks that hog the back of the bus:
Appearance: Seem fairly normal until they open their mouths. Usually 11-13 years old.
Characteristics: Yelling “Sharon’s dog licked Fred’s cock,” “I had your ma” and “Harry’s Dad loves sucking on
his dogs ass” and other such like phrases. Other pastimes include getting told that they will be thrown off the
bus if they continue behaving in such a disgusting manner, but still not stopping. Twats.
4)
The weirdo’s:
Appearance: Again, usually fairly normal looking, maybe sometimes with that give-away psychotic smile.
Characteristics: Depends… can be anything really, as long as it’s totally unexpected. Good examples include
old war veterans who still believe WWII is going on, and use their walking stick as if it’s a rifle. Then there are
the people with Tourettes Syndrome, shouting things such as “WANKER” or “COCK” at the poor guy driving the
bus because they want to get off. Perhaps they don’t like the idea of using the stop button? Last but not least,
there are the fully-grown adults who think they’re still 12, and spend their journey throwing up bits of scrap paper
at you, and then laughing. (This happens to me on a regular basis).
5)
The screaming children and accompanying adult:
Appearance: Usually women in their mid to late 30’s (however they tend to look a lot older), with two or three
small children sat on their lap, a young teenager sat on the seat next to them, and a toddler somewhere in the
aisle. Murderous glint in their eyes.
Characteristics: Spent their whole life nagging at children, and even when they get the bus to the shops they
still can’t get away from their shitty little ‘darlings’. Some of them spend the whole journey shouting, screaming,
or any other ways of gentle nagging at their kids. The rest of them just spend the journey stroking the handgun
they have concealed in their nappy-changing kit bag. I genuinely pity these parents, one screaming child on a
bus is enough for me but more than often there are at least ten young children screaming and shouting and
being annoying and taking up about 3 seats each, while there are others (such as moi) standing!
6)
The potential rapists and/or kiddie-fiddlers.
Appearance: They are the scary men that you would genuinely not want to meet in an alley! The ones you are
worried are going to get off the bus with you and stalk you home. Often spotted wearing tight jeans, and a
leather jacket.
Characteristics: Just general staring at you from the other side of the bus, while rubbing their crotch. That’s all
there is to it.
7)
The tramps / tramp-a-likes:
Appearance: Occasionally you have some people coming onto the bus that make you think oh my god what are
they doing, I mean this in a total un-snobby way but you really wonder if they've washed their hair recently, or if
they ever wear cloths for less than 5 years without changing. They can often be spotted with a can of Stella, and
a rollie ready in hand, ready for when they get off the bus.
Characteristics: Smelling like booze and fags. That’s about it, plain and simple!
8)
The normal:
Finally (thank god), there are a handful of people like me; somewhat normal and uninteresting, but aware of the
people around them, and observant to the world passing us by...
By Rose Alexander and Jack Wild.