Bottom Series 2, Episode 2. Culture.
------------------------------------by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall.
Scene 1. The Flat.
------------------[Richie and Eddie are sitting on the sofa. Eddie has a newspaper and a
pen.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Both:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Right. Ironmonger.
Hmm. How many letters?
Er... ten.
Right. What does it begin with?
Well... "I".
Well write it down then.
No, "ironmonger" begins with "I", that's the clue.
So put it down!
But there's only room for six letters!
[thinks] You'll have to spell it wrong.
All right... Er, "V"... "Z"...
So what have you got?
"Vzzbux".
Good, good start. Good. How does that help us with two down?
Erm... all right, two down... erm... "Fish", four letters, now
begins with... "X".
"X"? ...Xylophone, xylophone fish.
[think] Nah, it'd sink, wouldn't it.
[sighs] You know, I'm not sure that "vzzbux" is right.
Mmmmm.
Hey, I'll tell you what! Why don't we think of another word that
means ironmonger but only has six letters?
Ha! Well, that'd be cheating, wouldn't it?
Who's to know?
Ha! You're right me old pal, hahahaa! We get through a few
scrapes, don't we?
Yeah... So, where are we?
Er, right. "Ironmonger", six letters. ...Oh, got it! "Harold".
Ha-- "Harold"?
Yeah, well he's an ironmonger, isn't he? Harold the Ironmonger.
Remember? We ate his dog!
Oh right, yeah-he-heah! We bloody won that bet, didn't we?
No we didn't, that's why we had to eat his dog.
Oh, oh yeah, right. Okay, well, "Harold" it is.
Right.
No, hang on, hang on, hang on... "Harold" only has five letters.
Well, I could make the "H" really big so that it filled out the
first two squares.
Weeeell, are there any words dangling off the first two squares?
Nope, you're all right there mate, the only one we've got so far
is "Vzzbux".
All right! Bung it in buster!
Right then. Huh, ah... well there's no room for the "D".
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
all.
Eddie:
Oh, for
Ohhh.
What is
holes?
I think
Go-- no
goodness sake, who prints these things?
the point of having a clue if it doesn't fit the little
I'll just put "bollocks".
no no, come on Eddie. Let's do it properly or not at
All right then, not at all! [tears up the paper] God I hate
crosswords. [sighs] We can't go on like this! Why did they
take
the telly away?
[The camera pulls back to reveal the empty table, a television-shaped
outline remaining in the dust.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
You know very well why they took the telly away.]
No I don't.
Yes you do, Edward Hitler. They took the telly away because
according to you, while you were wending your merry way down to
the telly shop with the rent money, you ran into a rather
strange
and wizened old man, who sold you five magic beans. Which,
coincidentally, cost exactly the eighty-six pound twenty-three
we
Eddie:
Richie:
owe in back rent to Rumbelows.
They are magic beans, you know.
Oh yes. And here... is the magic beanstalk. [holds up an empty
flower-pot] Well I'm glad I've got a head for heights because
it's a whopper, isn't it? We shall be needing oxygen masks
before
Eddie:
we get to the top of that one, won't we, Sir Edmund?
Well it wasn't me who let us get behind with the rental, was it?
How did we get eighty-six pounds twenty-three pence behind in
the
Richie:
Eddie:
three
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
first place?
[worried] Err-r-r, all right, all right, let's change the
subject. It's irrelevant -- in fact I forgive you.
It wasn't me who bypassed Rumbelows every week for the last
months, saved up the eighty-six pounds twenty-three pence, and
took it five doors along to Dr. O'Grady's Personal Organ
Enhancement Clinic, was it?
Eh, cup of tea Eddie? Or some money?
We haven't got any money, that's the problem!
Hey, I know, let's have a no-talking competition!
"For a mere eighty-five pounds--"
Oh God.
"For a mere eighty-five pounds, you too can have your personal
organ enhanced so that it is comparable in size to that of a
fully-grown mountain gorilla."
Yes, and when he said "comparable in size" I didn't realise he
meant "an awful lot smaller than"!
You mean it didn't work?
Richie:
said
Eddie:
Richie:
just
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
life.
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Well, I mean, yes, he did enhance it temporarily. But when it
on the door "Revolutionary new enlargement technique", I didn't
realise he was just going to stick me in a cubicle for half an
hour with a copy of Razzle! Eighty-five quid! I could have been
watching Emmerdale Farm now.
Yeah... and then you could have got one for free! [forearm
gesture]
All right, all right, look. We're both to blame. Why don't we
stop talking about it and sit down nicely and watch the -- oh
bugger! [sobs] Oh come on Eddie, this is silly. There must be
more to life than telly. [Eddie shrugs blankly] You're right,
there isn't!
[sighs] This is unbearable. We could be missing a Watchdog
special on faulty bikinis.
Oh don't. [sighs] Right, come on Eddie. We should try and be
positive about the lack of telly. We should treat this as an
educational, spiritual and cultural plus. So... tiddly-winks?
No no no, we ended up in hospital last time, remember?
True. Oh, what a sad and tragic waste of a young, attractive
Oohhh. [leans on the organ, horrible screeching chord] Hey!
That's it! [claps] What about "pin the tail on the donkey"?
We haven't got a donkey.
Well, ah, "pin the tail on the chicken".
We haven't got a tail.
Oh. Well, "pin the sausage on the chicken".
We haven't got a chicken.
Well... "pin the sausage on the fridge"!
Or a pin.
"Sellotape a sausage to the fridge"!
We haven't got a sausage!
"Put a bit of sellotape on the fridge"!
It's not much of a game, is it?
What d'you mean, you have to do it blindfold.
But we haven't even got a blindfold!
Well then we'll have to improvise, won't we Eddie?
[Richie removes Eddie's glasses, pokes him in the eyes, and replaces the
glasses.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
careful.
Okay?
[sighs] All right. Give me a bit of sellotape and I shall stick
it on the fridge.
Here you are. Ooh, look out, it's the last bit, better be
[Eddie sighs, and walks towards the fridge, the sellotape held out in
front
of him. He sticks it carefully on the fridge and steps back.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Is that it then?
Yeah.
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
1
Richie:
yes.
Who won?
Dhoh, ha ha ha ha. Eddie, it matters not who won or lost but how
you played the game.
Oh, you mean I won? Ha! Ha-ha. [wets his finger, draws a figure
in the air, waves his hands in the air]
Yes, I suppose so, yeah, I mean if it's so important to you,
Yes, you did win. I mean for heaven's sake, Eddie, it's only a
game! [walking away, to himself] Shit, shit, VD VD VD! Why do
I
bloody lose everything always? [an idea] So, ah, you think
you're good at games do you, big boy? Well what about a real
game?
A game of champions. The clash of the great big minds. The
battle
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
cool
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
of the Titans!
You don't mean...
Yes!
A "see how much custard you can hold in your underpants"
competition?
Yeah -- no! Although that's a bloody good idea!
Ha-ha.
Might come onto that later if my idea doesn't work out.
Okay.
Although this time I really think we ought to let the custard
down a little first.
And that handstand rule is a complete disaster.
Hmm. Apart from that, bloody good game!
Absolutely. Mind you, you always have a considerable advantage,
because your underpants are so stupendously huge.
Too right matey! Okay, may the best man win!
[Wobbly dream-type transition into the custardy-pants contest. Rik is
staggering about, his stupendously huge underpants full to the brim.]
Richie:
So it's agreed then -- I'm the winner!
[Eddie is sitting on the sofa. There is custard everywhere -- all over
him,
dripping from the ceiling...]
Eddie:
Richie:
Yeah all right.
Well I told you not to sit down!
[Wobble back to normal. Eddie and Richie are cleaning up, mopping down
the
sofa.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Right. So -- you won the stick-the-piece-of-sellotape-on-thefridge competition and I won the custardy-pants tournament. That
makes it, er... ooh, one-all. Right. Time for a tie-breaker.
It's ten o'clock now. Probably missing a Late Show special on
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
lesbian art.
How do you feel about trying your luck, Eddie?
No, I'm not going out now. Even if I did score me underpants are
all custardy.
No, I mean what about a game of... chess?
[looking worried] Chess? [looks out of the window] We haven't
got a chess set, have we?
Of course we have, you silly-billy. There's my antique chess set
that my great-auntie Dorothy left me.I've got it safely under
lock
Eddie:
and key in my strong-box because it's so valuable. Well don't
look! I'm getting my key from the secret place.
[whispers] Behind the radio.
[Richie rummages behind the radio on the shelf.]
Richie:
Hang on a minute, what's the key doing embedded in this cake of
soap? That's a bit dangerous, isn't it? Someone could take a
copy
of it from that!
[Eddie takes a key from his pocket, holds it up, and swallows it with
some
difficulty.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
we
Richie:
see
I shall speak to the cleaning lady.
We haven't got a cleaning lady!
Well I must get one and speak to her. [gets out his strong-box]
Ah, here we are! [pats it lovingly] This chess set was at
Waterloo, you know. Wellington played on it the night before the
big fight. All the men are carved out of antique ivory, and
they're worth seventy-five quid each according to my great-aunt
Dorothy. [opens it, looks in, slams it shut] Eddie! Where have
all the pieces gone?
[clears his throat theatrically] Pardon?
This is ridiculous! There's only five pieces left!
Well, are you sure Wellington put them all back when he'd
finished?
Well of course he did, he wasn't a stupid man, he invented the
Chelsea boot.
Well, never mind Richie, I'm sure we'll manage somehow. I mean,
are British, after all!
Yes. That's right Eddie. That's the spirit, haha! I'd like to
some spic play a game of chess with only five pieces. Right,
what
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
colour do you want to be -- black or white?
[peers into the box] White.
Right, you win, there are no black pieces left.
Haha, hurray!
Well, that was fun. What shall we do now?
This time we play with a full deck.
But we've only got five pieces.
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
there,
Richie:
We can use other things for the missing pieces.
Hoh, great idea!
Now let's see... we need sixteen prawns. Well we're in luck
we've got a bag in the freezer that are four years past their
sell-by date, we can use those.
Ahhh, oh chess! God I adore chess! I should have been a chess
champion. If I'd spent my whole life learning how to play chess
better than everyone else in the world I could have been the
chess
champion. And I look a bit Slavic, don't you think?
[pulls
face]
Eddie:
Richie:
Gulf
What's this pot of cress doing in the fridge?
That's not cress, that's that yoghurt you started during the
Eddie:
Richie:
War.
Well you could have told me! Might as well finish it.
Ho, yeah, a bit of chess. Hah, Gad, if only I had a smokingjacket. Eh -- hang on! [leaves]
[Eddie digs into his pot of greenery, lifts out a spoonful and chews it.]
Eddie:
Doesn't taste like banana and peach.
[Richie comes back in, wearing his raincoat inside-out.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Da-dah! What do you think, Eddie?
I think you've got your raincoat on inside-out. Are you off? I
thought we were playing chess.
No, no, no, it's a smoking-jacket, look, the quilting. All the
sophisticated people are wearing them.
Well why have you got one on then? Anyway, you don't smoke.
And nor does my jacket. Ah-ha, ah-hahaha! Oh God! Oh I feel just
like Noel Wilde today.
[Eddie puts a bottle of sauce down on the chessboard.]
Eddie:
to
Richie:
dear."
Right, here we go then. Now, that can be the king. Well it has
be, doesn't it? I mean, it's brown sauce.
Ah. [acting] "Cigarette, my dear?" "Don't mind if I do my
"Have a bit of a biro to smoke it through." "Oh, ta very much.
Mm,
thought your new play was great, by the way." "Oh, there's only
one thing better than having a great play, and that's having...
two great plays." "That doesn't make any sense, Oscar." "I know,
none of my stuff does you know. Hahaa." "Nice bit of biro by the
way." "Ta very much."
[He takes a drag of his cigarette, using a biro tube as a holder,
breathes
smoke out through his nostrils, and chokes.]
Richie:
[coughing]
Nice.
[Richie's side of the chessboard is populated with a wild assortment of
objects: a plastic skeleton, a tomato-shaped sauce bottle, a sausage, a
cactus wearing a crown, the brown sauce, a Cluedo piece, a bottle of food
colouring, a plastic Spiderman. A row of frozen prawns serve as pawns for
each player. Eddie completes his pieces with a mouldy pear and an apple
pierced by a nail.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Earl
Eddie:
Richie:
had.
Right then, all set. A little unconventional, but most of it's
fresh.
Hoh, oh Eddie, Eddie this is so sophisticated isn't it?
Ha.
I feel just like Lord Byron. And that other bloke, you know,
Thingy, with the long dressing-gown and the flappy stuff around
his chin.
Really? 'Cause you look like a stupid git with his raincoat on
inside out.
Oh, Eddie, this is fantastic. Chess is the best idea we ever
And it was one of mine, wasn't it?
[deep breath]
Right, this
has
got to be perfect. It's just two guys, right, no chicks, it's
just
man to man. Cultured. Urbane. Civilised. Male stuff. And I'm not
being funny. Right, what do we need? Twiglets. You know, high
society stuff, little dishes of nosey-picks scattered around the
place.
Olives!
Hey Eddie, you're catching on. Great idea!
Erm, we haven't got any olives. What about prunes?
Well they look like olives, don't they, and they make you
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
regular!
Eddie:
Tin of prunes coming right up, Mr. Byron.
Richie: Right! Let's have a cocktail. Right, what would James Bond have?
Eddie:
Well, he'd have a load of birds 'round his gaff, and a corset on
so no-one would guess he was sixty.
Richie: Vodka martini, that's it, vodka martini. Shaken about the place
but not spilt.
Eddie:
Right. Now how d'you make a vodka martini?
Richie: Err... Well, it's got to have some vodka in it, hasn't it, and,
er, what about vodka and, erm... martini? Or is that being too
stupid?
Eddie:
We haven't got any vodka and we haven't got any martini.
Richie: Oh. Well what have we got?
Eddie:
We've got... a wee drop of Pernod and half a bottle of ouzo.
Richie: Well that'll do nicely! And don't forget to put a bit of salt
around the rim.
Eddie:
I beg your pardon?
Richie: Oh come on Eddie, I know what I'm talking about. Everybody in
Hollywood does it.
Eddie:
I think I'll just put a bit of salt round the edge of the glass,
if it's all the same to you.
Richie:
[looking out of the window] Ah, perfect. [calls] Ah-ha-ha-hahaar, watching your tellies are you? Addling your brains? We're
having an evening of culture and poetry and chess you know,
while
you're sitting there vegetating in front of Emmerdale Farm, you
poor sad peasants. Ha! What's happened by the way? Has Matt
sorted
out that problem with Amos in t'top field? ...Pardon? ...No I
have
not, it's a smoking-jacket! You ignorant git!
[Richie closes the window and takes off his raincoat. He walks over to
the
table.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Eddie, it's a shame we have to live in this area, it really is.
Hoh! Have we got any glace cherries?
No, I don't think we have.
Well, bung a blob of marmalade in then, no-one will know.
A little taste... [sips] Dhhhhh! Ha-aaah! Right, here you go,
skip-matey me old flapper, and the very best of luck to you, and
I
Richie:
lights?
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
mean that very very sincerely.
Right! Cheers. Ooh no, before you start drinking, as this is a
special occasion, I -- ooh, do you think we should dim the
Erm, well, we haven't got a dimmer. Shall I get my hammer?
No, no no, we'll just narrow our eyes a bit.
Alright.
Right. [through slitted eyes] Where are you?
I think I'm over here.
Oh, there you are, right right right. Now, as I was saying, as
this is a special occasion, and we've invented a new cocktail
for
ourselves -- Pernod, ouzo, marmalade and salt -- I think we
should
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Both:
Eddie:
Richie:
of
Eddie:
Richie:
think of a special name for it. What do you think?
What about the, er, oh, the Bloody... Awful.
Oh come on Eddie, take it seriously...
Oh, got it! The Esther Rantzen.
E-- why?
Because it pulls your gums back over your teeth.
All right then, the Esther Rantzen it is. Cheers!
[drink] Dhhhhhh! Hhh, hhh...
"And on tonight's programme, an interesting misprint that says
'penis'."
Dhh, ho-hwooh, I see what you mean, yeah, hwooo, hhh. It's sort
lacking something, isn't it? Ah, mm, have we got any umbrellas?
Coming right up.
[takes another sip] Dhhh! [gags]
[Eddie comes back with two full-size umbrellas.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Here we go.
Ah!
[They open an umbrella each and sit underneath them.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Oh, this is the life Eddie. Sophisticated living, gentlemen's
rooms.
Yes. Here we are, underneath our umbrellas, drinking ouzo and
salt, each behind his line of frozen prawns. That's what I love
about you Richie.
What?
You're completely insane!
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha-haaaah! Ah-ha-ha-ho, wl-wl-wl-wl-wll-l-l-l!
Oh gosh, I feel great! Of course, you know why I never got
married, don't you?
Yep.
Yeah, tragic isn't it?
No. Right, shall we get started?
Right!
[Eddie reaches out his hand to move...]
Richie:
be
Oh no! Wait! I know what we need. Music! Of course. What could
better? What shall we have, oooh, James Last? Burt Bacharach?
Oh... Moliere! Moliere! Oh, he could bash out a tune or two.
Tumtum tiddly-tum tum-tum-tum, tum -- and the other twiddly bits.
He
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
did.
Eddie:
the
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
that,
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Ooh,
was Scottish you know.
Who, Vivaldi?
No Eddie, I'm talking about composers. Honestly, it's football
football football with you, isn't it? Hey, do you remember that
night those girls turned up?
No.
Yeah, it was a shame, wasn't it? Mind you, they bloody nearly
I think your mistake, Richie, was in turning out the lights on
steps and shouting out "Grab hold of this, it's the banisters."
Worth a try, Eddie, worth a try. Hhhrrrrrrgh! Great days.
No they weren't.
No, they weren't, were they? [sighs] Well you have to say
don't you? Come on, hhhrrrrgh, great days!
[limply] Rrrr, great days.
Yes they were! Ha, come on, let's go out!
I though we were playing chess, Mr. Bond?
Oh, yes, of course. Chess, wonderful chess. Ha-haaa. Hey, did I
ever tell you about that time my great-uncle Roderick drowned in
the Ugugu River?
No.
Oh good, it's rather embarrassing. Hoh! Right, let's get on.
Eddie:
Richie:
yeah,
I feel great, bbrr, let's have a dance, ho-hoo, ho-hoo...
Richie, sit down! You're getting over-excited.
Oh! Yes, right. Yes, of course. Ha, hrr, ha, hmm, sit down,
hm, good idea. Hm, ahh. Okay. This is it. Everything's ready.
Are
Eddie:
Richie:
you ready Eddie?
Yep.
Right, all set.
[Eddie reaches out to move.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Ooh, one more thing?
What?
How do you actually play chess?
You don't know how to play chess.
Well, no. Ah-ha. But I know how to ride a bike so I'm sure I'll
pick it up pretty quick, you know. Just tell me which pieces are
mine and which way around the board we go. Do we get any money
or
anything?
[Eddie sighs and puts his head in his hands.]
Scene 2. The Flat, Later.
-------------------------Richie:
Right. Let's just go through the rules one more time and then we
can start properly.
[Eddie sighs heavily.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Now how does the racehorse move again?
It's not a racehorse, it's a knight.
Where's the knight then?
Well he must have fallen off.
He's not much of a knight then, is he?
Look, just put it back please.
All right, all right... And that one's called a rook.
Yes.
Why, does it nest in trees?
No, it's a castle.
But it's called a rook.
Yes, some people call it a rook.
Well which people? Blind ones?
[thinks] Yes.
Oh I see, I see, right. ...But the castle can move, you say?
That's right.
Even though it hasn't got any legs.
Yes.
Pfft, hahaha. It's not very likely, is it Eddie. [holds up a
sausage] And this, this is also a bishop, you say.
Yes.
And he bends sideways.
Eddie:
Richie:
coming
Correct.
Well, there's no surprise there. Wonder what the Church is
to these days. Right, let me get this sorted out. Now the bent
vicar stands next to the queen. [holds up cactus with crown]
And
Eddie:
Richie:
the queen goes in every direction.
That's right.
And they let children play this, you say? I mean, it's pretty
strong stuff, isn't it Eddie? You know, knights taking prawns,
and
Eddie:
Richie:
apparently if a prawn goes all the way he turns into a queen!
Shut up Richie and play the game!
Okay, okay, let's go. [Eddie sighs] Hey, I know! Let's pretend
that I'm James Bond, right, and you're, you're one of the
baddies,
Eddie:
Richie:
around
you know, Q or whoever, and if I lose I have to die.
[looks up] Fair enough.
Yeah, great. Yeah, we should have loads and loads of birds
the place, you know, all like Ursula Andress, you know, and
everyone's in bikinis. Ah, I'll tell you what, shall I get some
of
Eddie:
five
my magazines out?
Richie! I've been here since ten o'clock last night. It's now
o'clock in the morning. We've finished off the Pernod, the ouzo,
the Old Spice, even the industrial strength floor cleaner. Three
litres of it. I've explained the rules of chess to you one
hundred
and twenty-four times, and I'm buggered if I'm going to let you
delay the game another ten minutes while you scan though a few
back copies of Amateur Photographer! Okay? Right. King's prawn
to
king's prawn four.
[He slams his hand down on the clock at the side of the door, smashing it
flat.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Why d'you have to do that?
Shut up, it's your move!
My move? Okay.
[Richie studies the board as if sizing up and opponent, moving back and
walking from side to side. He walks out of the door and comes back in
through the other door, still pondering. He sits back down at the table.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Yes... yes... Am I black or white?
You're black!
Oh.
You're those ones there!
Oh right.
The ones in next to you!
Right.
Eddie:
Richie:
Now make your move!
All right, all right, don't hustle me. I know your tactics. [to
himself] Okay, right, this is it. What would Napoleon do? Lose
the battle of Waterloo, that's no good to me. Right, this is it,
only one thing for it. Attack! Attack! Attack! Over the top
lads!
Charge!
[machine-gun noise]
Argh, I'm hit! Oh, oh, get him
back!
No, leave me here. Oh, my arms and legs have come off. Oh, oh
the
blood! Oh the horror! I'm getting out of here. Shoot that prawn!
[shot noise] Arrrrghhh! Right, everybody, follow me. Du-du-dududaa. I can't follow you, I'm a bishop, I have to go sideways.
Dudu-du-du-aaarrhhgh!
Ketchup!
[machine-gun]
Hurray, it's the Queen's Own
[Richie squirts ketchup out of the plastic tomato over the board, making
machine-gun and explosion noises. He notices Eddie watching him and his
noises become more uncertain and die away. He puts the tomato down, hits
the flattened clock, and gestures.]
Eddie:
Richie:
That's your move, is it?
Yep. Get out of that one, Rommel.
[Eddie looks at the board and sighs. He picks up his queen, moves it to
the
side of the board, then forward, then back, dancing it all around the
board, and then gathers up all the pieces and sweeps them towards
himself.]
Eddie:
Check-mate.
[Richie punches him. Eddie falls backwards off his chair. The chess
pieces
fly out of his arms. He staggers to his feet and pushes the table over.
Its
edge lands on Richie's toes.]
Richie:
Aaaargh, aaargh, aaargh!
[Eddie hits him with a chair. He gets up, holding an umbrella, fingering
the tip., and advances towards Eddie. Eddie holds the broken frame of the
chair like a shield but Richie drives the umbrella in underneath it, into
his groin.]
Eddie:
Aaaaaaahhh!
[Richie drives him backwards, opening and closing the umbrella, backing
him
against the fridge. Eddie manages to pick up a frying-pan and beat him
off.
He pulls the umbrella out of his groin, holds it up to inspect it, and
notices that the tip is missing. He looks at the camera, shocked, then
beats Richie with the frying-pan. Richie ends up kneeling in front of the
fridge. Eddie grabs him by the hair.]
Richie:
Oh, no, no!
[Eddie slams the fridge door repeatedly on Richie's head. He looks round,
smiling.]
Eddie:
You know, it's funny. They say that television encourages
violence. But I'm smashing his face in, and we haven't got one!
[Richie struggles to his feet, face bruised and nose bleeding.]
Richie:
have
Well that's where he's wrong, listeners, 'cause in fact we do
a telly. And here it is!
Well where did that come from?
It was behind the fridge all the time. I hid it when the chaps
from Rumbelows came round.
Eddie:
Well why didn't you tell me? I could have been watching
television
all night.
Richie: Well I don't know, I thought it would be interesting, you know,
to
spend an evening without the telly for once. We could chat a bit
more. You know, it's good for our relationship, to get a bit of
interaction going.
Eddie:
Well... if it's interaction you want... cop a load of this
matey!
Eddie:
Richie:
[Eddie smashes the television down over Richie's head. Freeze-frame, roll
credits.]
Transcription James Kew <j.kew@ic.ac.uk>. Last revised July 1994.