SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY
Elizabeth Mahaney , LMHC, MFT, Ph.D
#MH-10069
RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIOR CONTRACT
GROUND RULES
1. Be nice. It feels good to be nice to each other.
2. Fight fair! No name-calling. No bringing up past issues. Deal with the issue at hand.
Do not push each other’s buttons.
3. Know when to take a time out. Make a plan for when time outs are needed.
4. No sabotaging statements. (See book)
5. Be aware of automatic negative thoughts. (See book)
6. Pick your battles. Arguing –vs- problem solving. It takes two to have a problem. Learn
to let the little things GO…
7. Avoid being each other’s source of unhappiness. Become each other’s greatest source
of happiness.
BE PROACTIVE
1. Check in with each other EVERY day or night. Pick a time when you two are usually
in a good mood. Be consistent. See book: A Conversation A Day- narrow down
questions and discussion topics)
2. Keep a journal. Make notes for check in time. Use the journal for positive and negative
thoughts, feeling, and instances.
3. Use the communication book and bring it with you each session.
4. Date nights, connect!
5. Intimacy/ romance every day or night. Show affection.
6. Daily compliments.
7. Pleasurable activities every day.
8. Self-disclosure.
SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY
Elizabeth Mahaney , LMHC, MFT, Ph.D
#MH-10069
RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIOR CONTRACT
9. Begin the change with yourself. You are the only person in the relationship that you
can control. We teach others how to treat us.
10. Make the commitment to overcome conflict! Sincere intentions to change can really
go a long way!
11. Create a lifestyle that is fulfilling to both of you. Operate proactively rather than
responding reactively and being constantly in crisis management mode.
12. Each of you has a responsibility: Self-Care.
13. Be assertive.
14. Give your relationship importance and the attention you did when you first met.
COMMUNICATION
Speaker- Assertiveness: (learn to ask for what you want!!!)
 Speak for yourself using “I” statements.
 Include feelings and needs.
 Be brief and to the point.
Listener- Active Listening:
 Listen Carefully.
 Repeat what you have heard.
Acknowledge content AND feeling of speaker.
Validate, validate, validate each other’s feelings and viewpoints. This is not about
winning or losing- it is more about putting yourself in each person’s shoes. You do not
have to agree. You can understand and comfort your partner even when you disagree.
It is impossible to have a healthy relationship without communication!
Communication is the key skill for maintaining a relationship and maintaining intimacy
with your partner. Whether it is intimacy, finances, children, careers, spirituality, or
expressing feelings and thoughts; Communication is vital and an essential piece of every
aspect of your relationships. It is fair to say that we would like our partners and loved
ones to listen with more interest and to speak with more sensitivity than we would expect
some random person we run into from time to time. Communication styles can be
powerful and can either bring people closer together or push them apart.
Here’s the good news: Useful communication skills-SPEAKING! – AND –
LISTENING!- can be learned and improved…First, let’s look at some common obstacles
SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY
Elizabeth Mahaney , LMHC, MFT, Ph.D
#MH-10069
RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIOR CONTRACT
which are MAKING ASSUMPTIONS, DRIFTING FROM POSITIVE TO NEGATIVE
COMMUNICATION, and FAILING TO LISTEN.
MAKING ASSUMPTIONSAssumptions are the termites of relationship –Henry Winkler
Don’t assume that you know what each other is thinking, just because you are close and
know one another well. We must ask or check in with each other to see if we understand
one another. Assumptions can easily be false because people’s feelings and ideas may
change. Assuming leads to a decrease in communication, which results in less sharing
and intimacy.
DRIFTING FROM POSITIVE TO NEGATIVE COMMUNICATIONIt takes the average person about 48% longer to understand a sentence using a negative
than it does to understand a positive or affirmative sentence. This is confirmation of
something every successful person knows: The secret of good communication is positive
affirmation! -Bits and Pieces (1996)
In the beginning of a relationship, partners seem to look for the positive aspects and
qualities in their partner. Gradually overtime, this pattern appears to shift and partners
seem to focus on the negatives in the other person. Well…we tend to only see what we
focus on which may result in a problem especially if we are focusing on the negative! For
example, have you ever bought a new car and suddenly noticed that a lot of people are
driving the same car as yours? Actually, there are not more people driving your same car
model, but your focus has changed so that you notice this type of car more often.
We tend to find what we are looking for and what we are focused on. If you focus
on the negatives in you relationship, you will “see” and come to believe that there are
mainly negatives. HERE’S THE POINT: Stable, healthy couples do not necessarily have
less negativity in their relationship, but the negativity is significantly outweighed by
positive feelings and actions. It is also important to note that feelings of anger are only
harmful if expressed with criticism.
FAILING TO LISTENWe were born with TWO ears and ONE mouth. That ought to tell us something!
–Bits and Pieces (1997)
The #1 communication skill that is considered paramount for developing and
maintaining intimacy and relationships, it is LISTENING! We can hear someone talking
without actually listening to what they are saying. Good listening skills= Patience, not
judging, and spending energy trying to understand. In order to relate effectively with
ANYONE, you must learn to listen. This means…you should not be planning your next
response or deciding whether you agree or disagree- YOU MUST SIMPLY LISTEN!
This is important because, if you listen while holding firmly to your own perspective, you
will only selectively hear what fits into your own view. In that case, what you call
agreement with someone is based not on what you currently hear, but on what fits into
SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY
Elizabeth Mahaney , LMHC, MFT, Ph.D
#MH-10069
RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIOR CONTRACT
your pre-existing beliefs. To really listen involves withholding your own beliefs so you
do not listen defensively. Of course, your own feelings and beliefs are important but they
can get in the way of LISTENING.
Your inner thoughts may send you messages based on what the speaker says, such
as “that hurts”, I am not letting her get away with this”, or “that is wrong”. These
judgments will interfere with your ability to really understand the speaker. How do we
minimize this defensiveness and judgment? By paraphrasing.
PARAPHRASING is a very, very important skill to learn and use often!
Paraphrasing has two parts:
1) Restate the speaker’s idea or content.
2) Describe the speaker’s idea using feeling.
Although this approach slows down communication, it minimizes misunderstanding and
conflict. Here is an example:
 Sue: “I am really fed up with these kids!”
 Mike (restating the idea #1): “Sounds like the kids are acting out.”
 Mike (focusing on feeling #2): “You really seem frustrated, and it sounds like you
need time away from the kids.”
By restating the content and focusing on the feelings, the speaker ends up feeling
understood and appreciated!
What is your communication style? (see pg. 29-31 in the Empowering Couples book)
 Passive- Unwillingness to honestly share thoughts, feelings, or desires. May stem
from low self esteem and used to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings, or to
avoid being criticized. The other partner may be left feeling angry, mistrustful, or
confused.
 Aggressive- Blaming or accusing the other person. Accompanied language may
be “you always” or “you never”. The focus is on the negative characteristics of
the person rather than the situation.
 Assertive- Allows each person to express themselves in a non-defensive, healthy
way. It is asking clearly and directly for what one wants, and being respectful and
positive.
JOURNAL:
Every day!
What do you appreciate about your spouse?
I feel loved when you…?
SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY
Elizabeth Mahaney , LMHC, MFT, Ph.D
#MH-10069
RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIOR CONTRACT
What do you want from this relationship? BE SPECIFIC!
Identify habits that may cause unhappiness. Learn to overcome these habits!
Specific Behavior Change Requests.
Identify your most important emotional needs. Learn ways to meet these needs!
Check in topics and discussions to note.