Jokes-List
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JOKES
ENGLISH
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40585 = 4! + 0! +5! + 8! + 5!
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HOW ODD...
Today, 19/11/1999, is the last day of your life that all the digits of the date will be
completely odd. Of course, with modern science you might be able to make it to the
next odd date which will be in 1/1/3111, but don't count on it. A more attainable goal
might be to live for the next all even digit day. This February we'll have the first day
after over a millennium where all the digits are even, 2/2/2000. The last time this
occurred was in 28/8/888. You will probably have a lot of even days, but today is your
last odd day.
NEW MATH - ADDITIONS:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profits
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
Woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she doesn't need.
Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
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Man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Successful man makes more money than his wife can spend.
Successful woman is one who finds such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at
all.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
Woman marries a man expecting he will change, he doesn't.
Man marries a woman expecting she won't change, she does.
Married men live longer than single men; however, they are also more willing to die.
Married men should forget about their mistakes.
No point in two people remembering the same thing.
Woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today
is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe
pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical
categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and
intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't
give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a
terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an
interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a
conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few
words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual
connotations, this incredible word can be used to
describe many situations:
1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
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3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
23. It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
24. It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
25. It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
26. It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED
BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING EADY
LOOSLEY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY
THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS
INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES
QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN
AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN
QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE
FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC,
PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.
WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, WHITE
STICKY SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE
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OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG
GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND
CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS
FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY YET FORANOTHER BIT OF
ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE
TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.
WHAT AM I???????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS
NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........
TOOTHBRUSH.........
what were you thinking?
You PERVERT!
send this message to ten of your most perverted friends or else...
This is the letter:
You must send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter to 10 people.
If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good luck in love. The person that you are
most attracted to will soon return your feelings. If you do not, bad luck will rear it's
ugly head at you.
You MUST send this on or face dreadfully bad luck.
GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subject: WIFE 1.0 Software Alert!!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up
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a lot of space and Valuable resources. No mention of this was included
with the product information.
In addition Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs
and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all
other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5,
Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0
in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall
doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please Help!!!!!!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to
a primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely an Utilities and
Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run
everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to
Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0
to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from
the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because
Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried to Girlfriend 8.0
or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system.
Look In your Wife 1.0 manual under, "Warnings- Alimony/Child Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
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I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear to alleviate
software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest
that you read the entire section regarding, "General Partnership Faults
(GPF's)". You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems
that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF's are
cyclical.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have
to Give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal
anyway.
Remember the system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame
for All GPF's.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 ,
Cook-it 1.5 (which replaces Burn-It 1.0) and, Do-Bills 4.2.
You must however be very careful how you use these programs. Improper
use will cause the system to launch the program NagYourAss 9.5. Once
this happens the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
should this happen.
!!!!!WARNING!!!!!
DO NOT under any circumstances, install Secretary-With-Short-Skirt.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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The following is an article which accurately descibes the influence of the
Hellenic language upon all that we say (or do) in this world of ours.
Please pass it on to others. If you subtract the Hellenic root words you
have almost nothing except for a few words that do not make any sense.
THE SIGNIFICANCE AND INFLUENCE OF THE HELLENIC LANGUAGE
By Dr. John N. Kalaras, Senior Professor@Chicago
MUSIC
The orchestras electrifyed the atmosphere, with musical organs like the
harp, the lyre, the aulos and hydraulos. The chorus in the odium
ortheatre synchronized with the organs harmoneously. Orchistrators
synthesized musical poetry, satyr and comedy, in a melodic symphony. The
rhythm and harmoneous eurythmy were unparalleled. Synthesis, synergy and
symphony idealized every orchistrated episode. The magnetic atmosphere,
the harmonic rhythm and the stereophonic echo generated magic.
DRAMA - THEATRE
The genesis of classical drama, was not symptomatic. A euphoria of
charismatic and talented protagonists showed fantastic scenes of historic
episodes. The prologue, the theme and the epilogue, comprised the trilogy
of drama while synthesis, analysis and synopsis characterized the
phraseology of the text. The syntax and phraseology used by scholars,
academicians and philosophers in their rhetoric, had many grammatical
idioms and idiosyncrasies. The protagonists, periodically used
pseudonyms. Anonymity was a syndrome that characterized the theatrical
atmosphere. The panoramic fantasy, the mystique, the melody, the
aesthetics, the use of cosmetic epithets, are characteristics of drama.
Even though the theatres were physically gigantic, there was no need
for microphones, because the architecture and the acoustics, would echo
isometrically and crystally-clear. Many epistimologists of
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physics,aerodynamics, acoustics, electronics, electromagnetics can not
analyze-explain the ideal and isometric acoustics of Hellenic theatres
even today. There were many categories of drama: classical drama,
melodrama, satyric, epic, comedy, e.t.c. The syndrome of xenophobia or
dyslexia was overcome by the pathos of the actors, who practiced
methodically and emphatically. Acrobatics were also euphoric. There was a
plethora of anecdotal themes, with which acrobats would electrify the
ecstatic audience, with scenes from mythical and historical episodes.
Some theatric episodes were characterized as scandalous and blasphemous.
Pornography, bigamy, hemophelia, nymphomania, polyandry, polygamy and
heterosexuality were dramatized in a pedagogical way, so the mysticism
about them would not cause phobia or anathema or taken as anomaly, but
through logic, dialogue and analysis, the skepticism and the pathetic or
cryptic mystery behind them, would be dispelled. It is historically and
chronologically proven, that theatre emphasized pedagogy, idealism and
harmony. Paradoxically, it also energized patriotism, a phenomenon that
symbolized ethicacy, character and charisma.
MEDICINE - PHARMACOLOGY
Asclepius and Hipocrates, the patriarchs of pharmacology, used botany
as their methodology for therapy. Diagnosis, biopsy, prognosis and
then therapy, were techniques used with every anomaly of the soma-body.
Analysis and dialysis of protoplasms, neoplasms, chromosomes are common
methods. Schizophrenia, melancholy, epilepsy, hysteria, psycopathy are
psychotic symptoms, analyzed via hypnosis and metempsychosis. Anemia,
atrophy, stomachic dyspepsy, pachydermy, dermatitis, laryngitis,
hepatitis, menigitis are somatic anomalies analyzed biochemically.
Chronic anemia causes leukemia but radiology and kymotherapy can be the
therapeutic techniques. The stethoscope was used for asthmatic patheses
of the thorax. Sclerosis, atrophy or dystrophy of the skeleton is analyzed
by osteology, otitis by otology, leprocy and psoriasis by dermatology,
astigmatism and myopia by ophtalmology and of course the epistimology of
genesis would be emphasized through embriology in gynecology.
Pediatrists, podiatrists, orthopedics, orthodontists, pathologists,
neurologists are very common titles. Hypnotists use hypnosis and before a
syringe is used hypodermically, anesthisiologists use anesthetics. An
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overdose of anesthetics could cause amnesia or paralysis. With neuratic
patheses, electrolysis was used to energize the neuropathic or atrophic
nerve.
THEOLOGY
Theology analyzed a mosaic of Eclisiastical themes. The thesis however
that theology takes is very dogmatic. There is a diametric and astronomic
antithesis between dogmatism and ideology. Dogmatism has mysticism, is
autarchic, myopic, autocratic, cryptic and even schismatic, axiomatic and
monolythic. Ideology emphasizes dialogue, energizes a climate of
logical and microscopic analysis of themes, philosophizes and produces a
euphoria of ideas and syllogisms. Theology has many dogmatic mysticisms,
which stigmatized certain chronological periods with panacea. A paradigm
is the iconolatry which caused pandemonium and schism among the
Patriarchs, Metropolitans and people. An anarchist or blasphemous
christian could be stigmatized and anathematized. Anathema was a
practical technique to exclude someone. When a patriarchic throne was
orphaned, the Ecumenical Synod would enthrone the new patriarch.
Paradoxically, the selection method was democratic. Monotheism and
polytheism is also analyzed by theologists. Eclisiastical hymns have
poetic rhythm and melody, that is why musical organs are allowed in
lyturgy. Prophets and Apostoles emphasized ethicacy, harmony and
euthanasia.
PHYSICS AND CHEMISTRY
Some of the topics emphasized and analyzed in physics and chemistry were:
thermodynamics, aerodynamics, biophysics, biology, biochemistry,
metallurgy, magneticism, static electricity etc. Some of the techniques
used are dialysis, electrolysis, synthesis while some of the materials
were asbestos, oxygen, metal, magnets. Along with the chemists,
geologists would analyze the seismogenic, the botanic and ecological
phenomena.
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MATHEMATICS TRIGONOMETRY & GEOMETRY
Mathematic and geometric theorems and axioms, both practical and
theoretic were analyzed by mathematicians. Alphanumeric systems with
cryptic ormnemonic coding have been developed. Geometric schemes like the
prism, the pyramid, the circle, the parallilogram and other isometric
schemes like the pentagon, hexagon, octagon, are analyzed periodically.
With diagrams, the periphery, the perimetry, the diameter and the
dichotomy are studied. Analogous is the study of astronomy and astrology,
where tools like chronometers and telescopes could analyze the telemetry
and telekinisis of stars and meteoric phenomena of the galaxy. This study
generated the telepathy, the telephone, the telegram, the telegraph, the
telethon e.t.c.
POLITICAL - ECONOMIC - SOCIETAL
Economic systems basically symbolize the philosophy and the ideology of
their party. In a democratic political system, ideology and dialogue
characterize the basic methodology and strategy of the politicians.
However, systems like monarchy, tyrany or oligarchy are stigmatized
with megaeconomic and social problems. When monarchs or tyrants were
dethroned, they nostalgically agonized how to bring anarchy, so that they
may been throned again. Their chronic egomania and megalomania, their
apathy for philanthropy and their aenigmatic, problematic and pathetic
logic periodically stigmatized the political arena. Tyrants symbolize
anarchy, phobia, panic, chronic epidemy and paralysis of the
socioeconomic system. The agora was the physical location where
politicians, philosophers and scholars would analyze the problems
generated by monarchy, tyranny and periodically aristocracy. The basic
methodology was dialogue, rhetoric or poetry. The dialogue was
characterized by synthesis, analysis and synopsis, a systematic
phenomenon in every epistimologist's phraseology. The rhetoric was
pragmatic, yet charesmatic, characterized by harmony, magnetic fantasy
and practical talent. Historians and chronographers have systematically
shown that charesmatic politicians electrified the odium orthe agora with
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their rhetoric, in which they used cosmetic epithets, eclectic idioms,
metaphors, paradigms and paradoxical phraseological idiosyncrasies.
Classical poets, satyrs, scholars and philosophers emphatically
critisized the anemic tyrants for their catastrophic and scandaleous
egomania. Paradoxically, inspite their idiosyncracies, some tyrants, like
Periandrosthe Corinthian, were charesmatic, philanthropic and sympathetic
to the economic problems and social climate. Some of them, who
strategized their economics ethically and logically, created economic
euphoria, which allowed architects to build odiums and theaters to
practice music and drama, gymnasiums and stadiums to organize
athletisism. Most of them, however, had the syndrome of apathy,
autocracy, autarchy, empathy, were myopic and spasmodic egomaniacs, who
antagonized everything that demonstrated an antithesis. However, the
climax of ideology, dialogue, epistimology, philosophy, logic and harmony,
are practiced in a democratic system. Here you have the forum at the
agora, where politics and socioeconomics are analyzed by politicians,
academicians and scholars. Politicians antagonized the philosophers
and scholars on ideology and practicality of economic systems and ideas.
They both, however, emphasized ethicacy, ideology, logic and harmoneous
political atmosphere. History has no parallel paradigm of a politician
with character andcharisma, like Pericles the Athenian, whose scholastic
and stochastic dynamism, rhetoric, fantasy, energy and ideology
characterized him as the ARCHITECT OF THE ATHENIAN DEMOCRACY!
These are definitely DIFFERENT!
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
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with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Wonder which head?)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
sex for the first time...
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this
law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
the premises."
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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Actual employee appraisals
Have you got a progress review soon? The following are taken from real employee
evaluations
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of
starting to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this man to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't
be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was
previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This man has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal standards and the consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee should go far the sooner he starts, the better.
11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
14. A room temperature IQ
15. Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.
16. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
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17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
19. Bright as Alaska in December.
20. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
21. Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.
22. Fell out of his family tree.
23. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the trains isn't coming.
24. This man has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. He's so dense that light bends around him.
26. If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
27. Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.
28. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
30. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
31. One neuron short of a synapse.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.
33. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
34. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.
The "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers can never earn as much as Business
Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a
mathematical equation based on the following postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work / Money
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Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the
amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
Subject: Albanians !!!!!
DEAR RECEIVER,
You have just received an Albanian virus. Since we are not so technologically
advanced in Albania, this is a MANUAL virus.
Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this mail to everyone
you know.
Thank you very much for helping me.
Ole Hacker
Subject: WIFE 1.0 Software Alert!!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new
program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and Valuable
resources. No mention of this was included with the product information.
In addition Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during
system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as
Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and
Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to
keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
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I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife
1.0
Please Help!!!!!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
--------------------------Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary
misconception among men. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
thinking that it is merely an Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run
everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden
operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once
installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Some have tried to Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than in the original system. Look In your Wife 1.0 manual under,
"Warnings- Alimony/Child Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest
installing the background application Yes Dear to alleviate software augmentation.
Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest "General Partnership Faults". You
must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of
their cause. You will also find that GPF's are cyclical. The best course of action is to
enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will
return to normal anyway.
Remember the system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for All GPF's .
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cookit 1.5 (which replaces Burn-It 1.0) and Do-Bills 4.2 . You must however be very
careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch
the program NagYourAss 9.5 . Once this happens the only way to improve the
performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1
and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.
!!!!!WARNING!!!!! DO NOT under any circumstances, install (Secretary-With-ShortSkirt. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
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Tech Support
UPGRADE BOYFRIEND5.0 TO HUSBAND1.0 :
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting
access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Hot-sex 1.0 and Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as
Football 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.
Desperate Wife.
Dear Desperate Wife,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an
operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and
install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty
3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that
will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall
anotherBoyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional
software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3
and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1
Tech Support
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engineers & managers
A group of engineers and a group of manager are taking the train to reach a
conference. Every manager has a ticket, however the whole group of engineers has
only one ticket.
Suddenly one of the engineers shouts: "The conductor is coming ...." after which the
group of engineers run to the toilet and squeeze into it.
The guard controls the manager, sees that the toilet is occupied and knocks at the
toilet door:
"Ticket please .." One of the engineers pushes the ticket below the toilet door, the
guard checks the ticket, pushes it back and moves on.
On the way back the manager decide to use the same trick and buy only one ticket
for the whole group. They were really surprised when they got to know that the group
of engineers has no ticket at all.
Again, one of the engineers sees the conductor coming and shouts: "The guard is
coming ...". Immediately the group of manager rushes to the toilet and squeezes
inside, the engineers instead move slowly to the other toilet and the last engineer of
the group knocks at the toilet door with the business inside: "Ticket please ......
Moral of the story:
Manager use methods of engineers without understanding them...
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time
period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started,
she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words
on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said
nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got
out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card
read: "BensonHedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands' cigarettes,
and she read from the BensonHedges pack:
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19
"Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her
daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card
finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing
the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
A man suspected his wife of having an affair with another man.
So, he hired the famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any
sly activities that may be occurring. A few days Later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, no see.
For those who make extensive use of Word.
Just check out the following (Bill Gates still doesn't know why it happens!):
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Jokes-List
Open Word 2000 and type:
”=rand (200,99)”
and then click ENTER
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons"
where
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.
Well, how about some "assicons?"
Here goes:
(_!_)
(__!__)
a regular ass
a fat ass
(!)
a tight ass
(_*_)
a sore ass
{_!_}
a swishy ass
(_o_)
an ass that's been around
(_x_)
kiss my ass
(_zzz_)
a tired ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
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21
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_)
Money coming out of his ass
(_?_)
Dumb Ass
..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..
oo*"
"*o.o*"
"*o.
.o"
'o"
"o
o
o
*o
.o
o
'o
o
o
o
o
o
\o/
o.
o
o
o
o.
o
o
o
oo
--0-/o\
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
oo
oo
oo.
oo
oo
'ooo.
.oo.
ooo
o ""oo,,
,,oO-'Oo,
,,,,,oo"o
o.
"""""" oo
"""""
o
'o
oo
o'
o
oo
o
'o
o
o*
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
>
>
You have just been e-mooned! Send this to 5 people within
the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing
at your e-mail.
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This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it out,
you won't have bad luck.
(But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a friend?)
Happy e-mooning!!!
Computerized marriage
Husband (Returning late from work ) : Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in.
Wife: Have you brought the grocery ?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are a useless nut.
Husband: By Default
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use...Try after some time.
Wife: Who was in the car this morning?
Husband: System is unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.
Wife: Are you going to drink some wine?
Husband: File system is full.
Wife: What is my value in the family ?
Husband: Unknown Virus
PUNJAB AIRLINES
Good Morning ladies and gentlemen.
This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airlines.
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23
We apologize for the 4 days delay in taking off, owing to bad weather & some
overtime I had put in the Bakery.
This is Flight 012 to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up
somewhere in the East.
And if Luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your village.
Punjab Airlines has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so
high, that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure that I
announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their
destination.
For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airlines staff have all the requisite
experience for consoling the next of the kin.
Our stewardess Bubbly will be happy to brief you on our out of court settlement.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request we can arrange to turn
them off.
To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complementary
Tea & Biscuits.
For our Religious passengers we are the only airline who can help you find out if
there really is a God!
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown, as we forgot to
record it from the television.
But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to the Air India Aircraft, so the
movie will be visible from the right side of the window.
There is no smoking in this airplane. Any smoke that you see in this cabin is the early
warning system, on the engines telling us to slow down!
Life jackets are positioned under the seats & free bathing costumes are available to
aunties & swimming shorts to the uncles, for emergency jumps.
In order to catch important land marks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best
view. If how ever you would like to have a closer look, do let us know. Our
enthusiastic copilots sometimes flies right through the land mark.
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off & fasten your
seatbelts. For those of you who cannot find a seat belt fasten your own belt to the
arm of your chair.
And for those of you who cannot find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a
flight attendant for your suitcase.
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Sorry!! But I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's
wedding.
But please make yourself at home & help yourself to the cockpit.
Thank you for choosing Punjab Airlines.
Have a pleasant journey.
" BALLE BALLE ".
Software development
What they say = What they mean!
New = Different colors from previous version!
All New = Not compatible with previous version!
Exclusive = Nobody else has documentation!
Unmatched = Almost as good as the competition!
Design Simplicity = The company wouldn't give us any money!
Fool-proof Operation = All parameters are hard-coded!
Advanced Design = Nobody really understands it!
Here At Last = Didn't get it done on time!
Field Tested = We don't have any simulators!
Years of Development = Finally got one to work!
Unprecedented Performance = Nothing ever ran this slow before!
Revolutionary = Disk drives go 'round and 'round!
Futuristic = Only runs on a next generation supercomputer!
No Maintenance = Impossible to fix!
Performance Proven = Worked through Beta test!
Meets Tough Quality Standards = It compiles without errors!
Satisfaction Guaranteed = We'll send you another pack if it fails!
Stock Item = We shipped it before and can do it again!
A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves
to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and
asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that
she will have to sit in the back.
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25
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying
right here!".
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is
some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move
back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her Economy
seat. The blonde then replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm
staying right here!". The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The
pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde and have learned to speak
'blonde'!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up
and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and copilot
are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class wasn't going to London."
Culture
TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3.a. You can legally kill yourself
3.b. You can legally be killed
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your
capital...
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never
seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans.
If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
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1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either
4.a. Like the Dutch, just less efficient
4.b. Like the French, just less romantic
4.c. Like the Germans
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they
make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders.
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You are the the ones that Created almost everything first but everyone else makes
them better and famous.Film, Planes, Jeans, Cavalry, Internet, etc etc...
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. The only Latin coutnry that doesn't have any sexy dance moves or famous stars
for tha matter.Celine Dion and Laura Fabian are
Canadian,nice try they speak french but ar not.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your
sense of national pride not once but twice in less than 50 years.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not. Because if you were why
did Jackie Onassis who is French marry John F. Kennedy who is from the USA and
then secondly Aristotle Onassis who is Greek if it were true.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
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4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to
care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth with a condom on.
TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24-hour ozone-hole
radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - it's fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar
bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING LEBANESE
1. The only Arab country that has a majority that is Christian and not Muslim.
2. The only Arab country to succesfully invade Isreal and sign a peace deal.
3. The only people that actually think that speaking french is actually a way of making
you seem more upper class.
4. The only Arab country that you won't find a single wild Camel.
5. The only Arab country that doesn't have a desert or oil. Just have the smallest
Arab country with the nost rivers.
6. Your cedars are blessed by Jesus.
7. You are the last remains of the Phonecians.
8. You would rather have a 20 year civil war than admit that are an Arab.
9. Your capital Beirut is called Little Paris and your country is called the Switzerland
of the middle east and yet neither of those comments trully stand to be true.
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10 And yes you can swim in the Mediteranian and in 20 minutes be skiing or
snowboarding in the waist deep snow in the middle of Summer.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
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9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk
your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Ok, give them a second chance...wait we did...fine a third chance
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
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7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other
country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiasa
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.
Top 10 REASONS FOR BEING MEXICAN
1. You are part of NAFTA
2. Your idea of Social Justice is sending your poor to the USA
3. You have cities like Cancun and Alcapulco
4. Tequila!
5. You give anything worth value to foreigners like Texas.
6. You can act snobby and believe people outside of Mexico actually care, when in
fact they don't.
7. Just like the Australians you treat the people that have lived on your land for over
40,000 years like they are foreigners and let them life in poverty and think nobody will
notice.
8. Own the cradle of 2 great civilizations the Aztecs and the Mayans.
9. You have people are famous with characters like Speedy Gonzalez and Cheech
and Chong.
10. You wished you had a leader other than the PRI and who's name might be EVITA
Peron.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
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31
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968
to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout
of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. You can claim that Canada created Coke and the US created Pepsi just because
your colours match.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings soar.
7. Your national Capital region of the city of Ottawa is bigger than the State of Hawaii
and many other nations.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. OK FINE WE WILL GIVE THIS TO THEM AGAIN JUST BECAUSE EVERY
OTHER CULTURE OTHER THAN CANADIANS AND AMERICANS LOVED THIS
SOO MUCH
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
1. Know your great grand dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation
on earth wanted.
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2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because
you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals and known masoganists. ODD
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks
have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be
chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and
forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around wretching their stomach
tents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it
as an instrument of torture.
8.You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else
around the world know about it.
9. Only people that are proud that they like to take it and give it up the ass.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.
A man was wandering in the woods pondering all the questions of life, the universe
and his personal problems. He couldn't find any answers so he sought help from
God.
"God? God? Are you there God?!", he shouted.
God responded, "What is it, my son?"
"I have a few questions … mind if I ask?"
"Go right ahead, my son … anything."
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"God, what is a million years to you?"
"My son, a million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm...", he thought. "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is only worth a penny."
The man lifted his eyebrows and proceeded to ask a final question, "God, can I have
a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure … in a second."
You know you're too serious about computers if …
... you did an error-free installation of Windows '2000
... your modem starts smoking
... you log-off your system only because it's time to go to work
... you call in sick because you found a great new internet site
... you can type your 10 favourite internet sites by heart
... you can locate a particular home page without using a search engine
... you can write your own html page
... you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes
... you check your e-mail on the way back to bed from the bathroom at 2 a.m.
... you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary
... you insist on seeing the movie "The Net" for the 63rd time
... you maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses
... you use more than 20 passwords
... you set up your own Web page
... you set up a Web page for each of your kids and your pets
... you ask someone for their e-mail address instead of their phone number
... you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service than look out the window
... you start using phrases like "hungry.must-eat.food.now@home
... you order most of what you buy... online
... your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours
... you find yourself engaged to someone you've never met except through e-mail
... you log-off from your newsgroup and your log reads: "online time: 56 hours 24
minutes"
... you look for file/save command when someone tells you to remember something
... No one can reach you by phone since your computer is always online
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THE MEANING BEHIND THE JARGON
What the engineer says: What he really means!
A number of different approaches are being tried: We are still pissing in the wind.
Extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem: We just hired
three kids fresh out of college.
Close project coordination: We know who to blame.
Major technological breakthrough: It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
Customer satisfaction is delivered assured: We are so far behind schedule, the
customer is happy to get it delivered.
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive: The darn thing blew up when we
threw the switch.
Test results were extremely gratifying: We are so surprised that the stupid thing
works.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned: The only person who understood the
thing quit.
It's in the process: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
We will look into it: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
Please note and initial: Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
Give us the benefit of your thinking: We'll listen to what you have to say as long as
we don't have to change what we've already done.
Give us your interpretation: I can't wait to hear this bull!
See me/let's discuss: Come into my office, I'm lonely.
All new: Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
Rugged: Too damn heavy to lift!
Lightweight: Lighter than RUGGED.
Years of development: One finally worked.
Energy saving: Achieved when the power switch is off.
Low maintenance: Impossible to fix if broken.
The Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and
says, "Aha, you're an engineer ... you've come to the wrong place." So the engineer
reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, he becomes dissatisfied with the
level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
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35
they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators and the engineer is a pretty
popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it
going down there in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake ... he should never
have been sent down there. Send him back." Satan says, "No way. I like having an
engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll
sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right ... and just where are
YOU going to get a lawyer?"
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to
spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his
wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he
enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both. If you have a wife and a mistress, they'll each assume
you are spending time with the other woman and you can go to the plant and get
some work done."
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After
ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you
should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I`m a 6`
tall,200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What`s more, the woman sitting next to
me is blonde and she`s a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she`s a
pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke ?"
The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I`m gonna have to explain it five
times."
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are
stranded:
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2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having
loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with
the German woman.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the
Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American
woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism,
how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the
equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and
treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at
least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian
woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody
wankers."
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery.
They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the
first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied that at least the English are
not getting any.
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Despite rumors, Greece has announced they will be ready for the 2004 Olympics.
However, some events have been changed.
Athens, Greece - Official Events for Olympics 2004:
1. cigarette chain smoking marathon
2. gathering olives from trees
3. long distance spitting
4. nastiest armpit smell
5. thickest moustache, females are welcome to compete too
6 goat herders relay
7. tavli
8. comboloi (worry beads) toss
9. longest duration wearing the same piece of clothing.
10. papaki race to the beach
11 the evil eye stare down competition
Economics:
Feudalism
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism
You have two cows.
Your neighbors help take care of them and you all share the milk.
Applied Communism
You have two cows.
You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
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Totalitarianism
You have two cows.
The government takes them both and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Pure Democracy
You have two cows.
You and your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy
You have two cows.
Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Mexican Democracy
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you into the army.
European Democracy
You have two cows.
The EU commission decides which regulations for feeding and milking apply. If there
aren't any, they invent some. They pay you not to milk the cows. They take both
cows, shoot one, milk the other and pour the milk down the drain. They then require
you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
American Democracy
The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it.
After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The
press dubs the affair "cowgate," but supports the president. The cows sue you for
breach of contract. Your legal bills exceed your annual income. You settle out of
court and declare bankruptcy.
Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Venture Capitalism
You have two cows.
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You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened
by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for
five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the
rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Answering some recent articles about Greeks involved in terrorist acts and perhaps
on those plane crashes some months ago, the Greek Ministry of Foreign affairs
issued a statement proving those allegations completely wrong:
12 REASONS WHY THE TERRORISTS WEREN'T GREEK
1. 6:45 am is too early for most Greeks to get up.
2. Greeks are always late, they would've missed all 4 flights.
3. Hot girls on the planes would have distracted them.
4. Greeks only use heir cellular phones to make missed calls and not to
communicate with each other.
5. Free alcohol on the plane, get it?
6. The suspected car found outside of Boston Airport would have been a BMW or a
Mercedes, not a Ford.
7. They wouldn't have a meeting in Afghanistan "there are no girls there", perhaps in
Sweden.
8. Talking behind each other's back would start a big fight on the plane.
9. 18 Greeks can't even organize a simple lunch together! You think they can
organize such an attack?
10. They would've been too busy fixing their hair.
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11. Frappe isn't served on commercial airlines even Olympic.
12. Their mothers wouldn't have let them.
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female
neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it
then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened
it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was
getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box,
opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she
replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
At 8:02pm on February 20 this year it will be an historic moment in time. It will not be
marked by the chiming of any clocks or the ringing of bells, but at that precise time,
on that specific date, something will happen which has not occurred for 1,001 years
and will never happen again.
As the clock ticks over from 8:01pm on Wednesday, February 20, time will, for sixty
seconds only, read in perfect symmetry 2002, 2002, 2002, or to be more precise 20:02, 20/02, 2002.
The last occasion that time read in such a symmetrical pattern was long before the
days of the digital watch and the 24-hour clock – at 10.01am on January 10, 1001.
And because the clock only goes up to 23.59, it is something that will never happen
again.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered the ballpoint
pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a
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decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down,
underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from
below freezing to 300C...
The Russians used a pencil.
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself
with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking
them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question:
"Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your
brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank
you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that,
Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the
Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the
White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for
me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your
brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think
about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately
calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the
question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in
desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his
problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the
answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."
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50 Things you don't say while having sex:
01.
02.
03.
04.
05.
06.
07.
08.
Is it in yet?
Is that it?
You have to be kidding me
(phone rings) Hi? Oh, nothing special. You?
Am I supposed to pay you for this?
Should I call you tomorrow?
Oh mama, mama!!!
Oh daddy, daddy!!!
09. You look better in the dark.
10. Oh, this is much better than with my last boy/girlfriend.
11. I thought it was supposed to go into the other hole
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
Don't tell my husband/wife
You have the bra as my mom (particularly bad if the girl says this ;)
This sucks
Could you hurry up a bit? I have to go to a meeting
I hope you're not expecting a raise
I think this could make you get the job
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.
Damn, is that all you know ?!
Did I mention I have herpes?
We have to get married now
Hurry up, the game is on in a few!
I'm hungry
I'm thirsty
zzzzzzzzzz
Are you trying to be funny?
Can you drop me off when you're done?
Are those real?
28.
29.
30.
31.
32.
33.
34.
35.
36.
Before I forget, I'm breaking up with you
What is that smell? Is that you?
You've never done this before?
WOW! I've never boobs like that! (and then start grabbing them)
Do you know what certain female spiders do after mating?
You sure look like your sister
Your mom's pretty nice
What did you say your name was?
Do I really still have to be here in the morning?
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37. Again? I had trouble staying awake the first time!
38.
39.
40.
41.
42.
43.
44.
45.
46.
47.
Owwww, and you had just started
You're almost as good as a 9-year-old -- and I can know!
Don't touch that!
You wanna order a pizza?
I think my dad is eavesdropping
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
Is there anything nice on TV?
Get your hand away from there!
I think the condom tore 10 mins ago
I knew you had a stuffed bra!
48. "Cover me guys, I'm going in!"
49. TIMBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!
50. The ceiling needs some white paint ;-)
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available data.
Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of
the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus
Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in
addition seven times seven (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or
fifty times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light
we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the
temperature of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven
loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann
law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed,
but it must be less than 444.6C, the temperature at which brimstone or sulphur
changes from a liquid to a gas. Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and
unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."
A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the
boiling point, or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapour, not a lake.) We have,
then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
"Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
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A very handsome Greek man, relaxing at his favourite cafe in Krateron (a small
Greek village in northern Greece), managed to attract a spectacular young blonde
woman. He invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk they made
love.
After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he
stretched, asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."
Pleasantly surprised, the handsome Greek man reached for her and had his way with
her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing with
screams of passion.
Again, the handsome Greek man smiles, and asks, "You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and says
"No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches
for his date. It takes all of his strength and he barely manages to do it, but they
climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. It's dawn
by then, and, entirely spent, the exhausted handsome Greek man falls onto his back,
gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and
asks, "You finish!?"
"No!" she shouts back. "Swedish!"
If an insect falls in a cup of coffee:
The Englishman:
Throws the cup away and walks out of the cafe
The American:
Asks the waiter for another cup of coffee.
The Mexican:
Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee
The Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the coffee away
The Besieged Palestinian:
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Drinks the coffee and eats the insect
The Israeli:
* Sells the coffee to the Americans and the insect to the Chinese.
* Screams that his security is in peril.
* Accuses the Palestinians of throwing the insect in his coffee.
* Alleges that Hizbullah, the Syrians and the Iranians advocate attacks with weapons
of mass insects.
* Relates this vicious attack to Palestinian Terrorism; attacks on Human Rights, AntiSemitism, the Holocaust, the Diaspora, the Exodus and Discrimination on Noah's
Ark.
* Asks Arafat to immediately stop insects from flying in the air or landing in coffee
cups.
* Re-occupies the West Bank and Gaza, razes houses, cuts off water and electricity,
humiliates and terrorizes civilians, kills or maims anyone in his way.
* Imposes on the Americans more military aid.
* Demands a 100-year, billion-dollar, loan from America to buy another cup of coffee.
* Claims life-time free coffee from the cafe as compensation.
They've got the best lawyers!
Here are some totally useless facts for your enjoyment (excellent for playing "Stump
the Friend.or Wife.or Boss or…"). You just CAN'T make this stuff up!!!
-Courtesy of our good friends, drummer Billy Ward and Neal Faison of TASCAM"I don't know anything about music. In my line, you don't have to."- Elvis Presley
(1935-1977)
-The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and
Wilma Flintstone.
-Coca-Cola was originally green.
-Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
-It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
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-Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Golden Retriever. Dumbest:
Afghan hound.
-The Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters.
-Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
-Amount that American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each
salad served First-Class: $40,000.
-City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
-State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
-Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
-Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
-Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
-Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
-Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they
had it to do all over again: 80%
-Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%
-Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
-Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
-Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World:70%
-Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
-Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"
-Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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-The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
-The youngest pope was 11 years old.
-Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
-First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
-A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
-In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way
radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel
assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
-The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
-The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is
"uncopyrightable".
-Hang On Snoopy is the official rock song of Ohio. (Note: Real title is "Sloopy")
-Did you know that there are coffee-flavored PEZ?
-The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the
engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and
figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
-The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of theDon
McLean song.)
-When possums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out
from sheer terror.
-The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when
it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that
would occupy the building.
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-Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.
Spades -King David, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and
Diamonds -Julius Caesar.
-If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the
person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a
result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the
person died of natural causes.
-Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them
would burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
-Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature
wasn't added until 5 years later.
-"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. (???)
-The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific.
When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts
measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all
their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
-Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that maks them looks like it's
kissing the conveyor belt.
-The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you
couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.
-An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
-The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
-The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be
straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in
times of war or other emergencies.
-In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
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-The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General
Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
-The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary.
When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws
requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
-The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel
that it burns.
-The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
-Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
-If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also
have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a
dollar.
-No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a
Superbowl.
-The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
-The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports events
(MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League AllStar Game.
-Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
-The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
-How about this.... The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the
plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around
the rosey..."), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers
on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the
sores ("...a pocket full of poseys..."), People who died from the plague would be
burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all
fall down!")
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-The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
-"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
-Almonds are members of the peach family.
-Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
-The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
-"Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with
the letters "und."
-Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los
Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
-Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
-Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up
after surgery.
-Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
-The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of
whiskers.
-Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book 'The Naked
Lunch.'
-The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who
fathered over 160 children.
-There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without
rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein,
herein.
-Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
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-John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the
narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
-A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.(wonder how they figured this out?)
-It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
-Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully-ripened cranberry can
be dribbled like a basketball.
-"Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.
-To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by
swearing on their testicles.
-The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following
sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough- faced, thoughtful ploughman
strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and
hiccoughed."
-Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does
arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
-There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous,
horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
-Emu's and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of
arms for that reason.
-The first episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" was the highest rated American program
in the history of Korean television. "Chachi" is Korean for "penis."
-Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
-Pearls melt in vinegar
-The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: MARLBORO, COCA-COLA,
BUDWEISER, in that order.
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-Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
-Thirty-Five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already
married.
-111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
-The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" movie was actually a
Captain Kirk mask painted white.
-Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
-The fingerprints of Koala Bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of
humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
-Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
-James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott (Scotty) on Star Trek,
is missing the entire middle finger on his right hand (he
lost it on D-Day).
-A sick pig rarely curls its tail.
-A woodpeckers tongue is long enough to wrap it around his head 2 times.
-Ants prefer not to walk through baby powder.
-Snakes can't blink.
-A rat can tread water for 3 days.
-A snail takes 33 hours to crawl 1 mile.
-The bigger the navel, the sweeter the orange.
-The dot over the lower case "i" is called a Tittle.
-In an average lifetime the human heart circulates 55 million gallons of blood.
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-It is illegal in the state of Kentucky to marry your wife's grandmother.
-If a frog's mouth is held open too long the frog will suffocate.
-Kokomo, Indiana is the home of canned tomato juice.
-Peanuts are used in the manufacture of dynamite.
-In an average lifetime the average American receives 31 prank phone calls
(hopefully not per day!).
-Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
-At the first Thanksgiving dinner Lobster was one of the main entrees.
-No word in the English Language rhymes with month.
-A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
-The ashes of an average cremated person weighs 9 lbs.
-Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.
-Oak trees do not have acorns until they are 50 years or older.
-All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the
$5.00 bill.
-Shirley Temple always had 56 curls in her hair.
-Corduroy comes from the French, meaning cloth of the king.
-The dial tone of a normal phone is in the key of F.
-Easter Sunday is always the first Sunday after the first full moon after March
21. (the first day of Spring)
-An office chair with wheels travels 8 miles a year.
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-Howdy Doody has exactly 48 freckles on his face.
-Bubble Gum contains rubber. (Not so sure about this one!)
-33 million Hershey Kisses are made each day.
-Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die. (Guess some of us are in
sad shape!)
-An animal epidemic is called a epizootic. (True! This was so silly I went and looked it
up!)
-If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat it measures 87 feet long.
-Camel's milk does not curdle. (Who wants to drink it anyhow?)
-A cat has 4 rows of whiskers.
-In Disney's Fantasia, the Sorcerer name is Yensid which is Disney backwards.
-Maine is the toothpick capital of the world. It is also the only state whose name is
one syllable.
-The space between the 2 front teeth is called a diastima.
-Alexander the Great was an epileptic.
-A group of owls is called a parliament.
-The geographical center of North America is Rugby, North Dakota.
-Dirty Harry's badge number is 2211.
-The ball on top of a flagpole is called the truck.
-Giraffes have no vocal chords.
-The dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
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-Mister Rogers is an ordained minister.
-Professional ballerinas use about 12 pair of toe shoes per week.
-Race car is a palindrome.
-The two lines that connect your top lip to the bottom of your nose are known as
philtrums.
-Ralph Kramden made $62.00 a week.
-Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
-The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and
Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
-The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
-In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."
-The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
-Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
-Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
-All dogs, no matter what size, scratch at the same speed.
-The term "Checkmate" comes from the Arabic meaning "the king is dead".
-The word TIP is an acronym for "To Insure Promptness".
-There are no turkeys in Turkey.
-There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
-A giraffe's tongue is blue.
-The average person blinks 313 million times in a lifetime.
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-Robert E. Lee wore size 4 1/2 shoe.
-If a spider dismantles his web a bad storm is near.
-"Tug of War" was an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920.
-Tony the Tiger will turn 46 in 2001.
-The right lung takes in more air than the left.
-There is no rice in rice paper.
-More than 25% of the worlds forests are in Siberia.
-Nearly all Sumo wrestlers have flat feet and big butts.
-Buzz Aldrin was the first man to pee in his pants on the moon.
-An eagles nest can weigh as much as two tons.
-Conception occurs more often in December than any other month.
-"60 Minutes," is the only CBS TV show with no theme song.
-Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
-The most popular boat name requested is Obsession.
-If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to go to One-thousand until you
would find the letter "A".
-Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all all
invented by women.
-The only food that doesn't spoil is honey.
-There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
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-40% of all people at a party snoop in your medicine cabinet.
-In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you
pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence
the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
-It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
-In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and
quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
-Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or
handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get
some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
-In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies
Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
-Did you know......... It is impossible to lick your elbow?
-Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
-A shrimp's heart is in their head.
-People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your
heart stops for a millisecond.
-Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti
especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
-On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two
weeks kissing in their lifetime.
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-Rats and horses can't vomit.
-The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in
the English language.
-If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.
-If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or
neck and die.
-Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million
descendants.
-Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by
700 times.
-If the U.S. government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,Section
1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it
illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
-The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
-Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already
married.
-Most lipstick contains fish scales.
-Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
-Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Hey, ya just CAN'T make this stuff up!!!
This page (http://www.dbmproaudio.com/facts.html) was last obnoxiously updated on
March 5, 2002
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A few years back, a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only question
asked was:
"Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a HUGE failure:
In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.
In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.
In South America they did not know what "please" meant.
In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.
And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Subject: math and romance
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at
all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to
die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals.
A Good Lesson
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
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When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and
proceeded to fill it with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then
picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students
laughed. He asked his students again if the jar was full? They agreed that yes, it was.
The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the
sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are
the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children - anything
that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The
pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles
represent things like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The
small stuff. If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there is no room for the
rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small
stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most
important. Pay attention to the things that are critical in your life. Play with your
children. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work,
clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. " Take care of the rocks first
- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just pebbles and sand.
Hope you like it.
Statistical Findings:
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a nontraditional place
36% of the women favro nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
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Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning
with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the
day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
Santa Claus: An Engineering Analysis
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living
organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this
does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa
doesn't (appear) to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces
the workload by 85% of the total -leaving 378 million according to the Population
Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's
91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones
and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian
household with good children, Santa has 1/1000 th of a second to park, hop out of
the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents
under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get
back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth which, of course, we know
to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking
about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to
do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.
That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the
speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth,
the Ulysses space probe, move at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional
reindeer can run, at tops 15 miles per hour.
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4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child
gets nothing more then a medium sized lego set ( 2 pounds ), the sleigh is carrying
321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On
land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the
'flying reindeer' can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot the job with
eight, or even nine, We need 214,200 reindeer. This increased the payload- not even
counting the weight of the sleigh to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison - this is four
times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance.
This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the
earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per
second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing
the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The
entire reindeer team will be vaporized with 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa
meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.
A 250 pound Santa ( which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of
the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force.
Top 23 Engineers' Terminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE
PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
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6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've
already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
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One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken.
21. IT IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
I don't feel like doing it.
22. IT DEPENDS...
Abandon all hope of a useful answer.
23. THE DATA BITS ARE FLEXED THROUGH A COLLECTIMIZER WHICH STRIPS
THE FLOW-GATE ARRAYS INTO VIRTUAL MESSAGE ELEMENTS
I don't know.
Austin Powers chat-up lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
3. Nice legs... What time do they open?
4. Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen
one?
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9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
12. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
13. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
14. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even further for that thing you
do with your tongue.
15. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
16. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.
17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18. You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
19. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
20. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
21. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
22. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
23. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
24. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
25. Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?
Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
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Washington D.C. 20591
Dear Sirs:
I have the solution for preventing hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline
industry back on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should
require all female flight attendants to perform their job naked.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and
of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of
seeing a naked woman.
We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.
Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mile per hour (mph), the
Husband behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks over at him and says, "Honey, I
know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having
an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you are."
Again the husband stays quiet but speeds up as his anger increases.
"I want the house," she insists, pressing her luck.
Again the husband speeds up, to eighty mph.
She says, "I want the car, too," but he just drives faster and faster.
By now he's up to ninety mph.
"All right," she says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.
This makes her a bit nervous, so she says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," she says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the husband smiles and says,
"The airbag."
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Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a
string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs
and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of
the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt
with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon,
when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it
with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To
his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt
and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next,
remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The
newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in
the punishment with enthusiasm!
Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, and then the
fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the
monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the
stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever
been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the
stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's
always been done around here.
And that my dear friends, is how company policy begins!
Secrets to a happy marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
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These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually
said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
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Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Corporate lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the
doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing overwhich one should go and answer
the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800dollars to drop that towel that you
have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited
about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower
"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and
offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an
accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun
looked at him and immediately said, "Father,remember psalm 129?" The priest was
flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However,
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he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he
let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on
her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked
up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a
great opportunity!
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they
find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The
Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me
first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina
coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the
famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities
while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL.
I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
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HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE
WARNING THIS ONE IS DANGEROUS
If you receive an e-mail entitled "Bad times", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it.
Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard
drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It
demagnetises the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your PIN number,
screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch
any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 0898
numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR
TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It
will replace your shampoo with hair remover and your hair remover with Regaine. It
will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until
someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs
to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change
the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message opened in a
Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hairdryer
plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will refill your skimmed milk with Milk
of Magnesia!
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your
right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will
ignite the person nearest you.
Send to everyone...
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In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.
Lost Chapter in Genesis
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked
him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover
clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to
take care of them.
She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've
had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever
you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history....
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE GREEK WHEN:
1. You make frappe before leaving home, when getting to the office, after lunch,
when having guests, before the guests leave, after the guests leave and before going
to bed.
2. When shops have a sale they call your mom.
3. You still have clothes that you used to wear when you were five stored in
suitcases.
4. You call an older person you've never met before "Thio" (Uncle:father's side) or
"Thia" (Uncle: Mother's side) .
5. You hide everything from your parents, but they still think they know everything
about you, and make you believe that they actually do.
6. You learn how to beg the personnel at the airport to allow the excess baggage
you've got as soon as your father stops doing that for you.
7. When you arrive home you find 20 people waiting for you at the airport.
8. Every summer you must go to your village.
9. Every time you go to your village, you meet relatives you never knew they existed,
and they look nothing like your family.
10. You look for universities as far away from home as possible, or as close to home
as possible.
11. You always curse at Greeks and then when you travel to Europe or the States
you only make Greek friends.
12. When you come back from college you still have to live with your parents, and
fight over curfew all over again, as if you never left them before.
13. Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
14. Everyone is a family friend.
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15. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
16. You teach Europeans/Americans swear words in your language.
17. When you go on a date you start thinking of places that you never thought of
before to avoid family or family friends.
18. You end up in a lousy place and still bump into the relative with the biggest
mouth.
19. You think you are liberated when you can't even smoke in public.
20. If you are 25 and not married yet, your parents make you feel that you are getting
too old.
21. Getting married becomes the only way you could escape your parents.
22. You tell your friends how to rebel against their parents when you can't stay out
past midnight.
23. You always say "Open the light" instead of "Turn on the light".
24. You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you a story of how he had to
walk miles just to get to school with no shoes.
25. Your parents were ranked the first in school. (...or so they claim)
The New Bride
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to
please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed
after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and accidentally
lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said: "Aww! So sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy back
hole laugh out loud!
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We always hear "The Rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the
male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON
PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up,
you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the
perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. EVER! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One
of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their
hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
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1. Check your own oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all
comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap
opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you
sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If
you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first four months we were going
out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. A peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve
is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is
not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We
know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't
want to hear.
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1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such
topics as who's better Biggie or Tupac, those new 22in' car rims, or basketball.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't
matter which quiz.
1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but
did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?", the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my
son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a
bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
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One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of
the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 Minutes
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked
him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in an out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay
out!'"
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son
into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the
children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty
dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty
dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone:
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the
room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, Mommy, you are
getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
Top Ten WORST things to say to a police officer:
1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6) I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7) Bad cop! No donut!
8) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9) Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10) Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?
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A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But
which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to
fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought
to himself, "Ooh shit, she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,
"Something special in the air?" Once again she gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman turned on him. "What the f**k do you want?" she snapped. The
man smiled, then slumped back in his chair and said...
"Ahhh, Olympic
Dear Employees,
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the
company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation
with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be
easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however,
realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when
communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper
exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of
offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
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TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
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TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Johnny asks grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only oral."
Johnny asks: "What is oral?"
Grandpa says: "I say 'fuck you', she says 'fuck you too!'"
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called
"Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously
involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3
random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number)
for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they
both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City
of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've
heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
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DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win.
What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip
wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of
weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've
done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You
listen to this."
3 minutes of commercials follow.
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DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is Sarah."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been
talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers
away or you'll lose. Soooo ..... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers
match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days
on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it
Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood.
We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida.
Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "In the ass....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
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HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
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George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me
the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me
the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send
some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the
Middle East?
A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling to her
husband: "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All $21 million - all of it....
Wooooohoooo"
"That's great sweetie!" he replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
"Who cares?" she replies, "Just fuck off !!!"
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Are You Ready For The Working World?
This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be
a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat.
The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
...
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
...
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator remove the giraffe and put in the elephant and
close the door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one.
Which animal does not attend?
...
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are
capable of comprehensive thinking.
OK, if you did not have the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last
chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?
...
Correct answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal
meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability.
So......
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If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional.
Wealth and success await you.
If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope
for you.
If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast
food joint.
If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you
will ever make any money.
If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher
mental functions at all, such as law or politics.
Little Johnny sees Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods.
Curious he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate
Embrace".
For little Johnny, this is so exciting that he can hardly contain himself and runs home
and starts to tell his Mother excitedly; "I was at the playground when I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look for him and saw him giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take off his pants. Aunt Jane then laid down on the seat and then Daddy...
At this point Mommy cuts him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story,
suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime to see the look on Daddy's face when
you tell it tonight."
That night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
starts the story describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, the laying
down on the seat and.. "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did the same thing Mommy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army!"
...
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before interrupting!!!
Green Dog
Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two!
1. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
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2. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.
3. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
4. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you
can't have them.
5. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in
love with your smile.
6. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
7. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on
you.
8. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so
that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
9. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
10. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep
on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
11. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know
someone else and expect them to know you.
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12. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?
Hardly anyone I know! But some of us have all right friends and good friends!!!
Revised: Cow Economy
The working styles of the global corporations and it is so true...
TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the
economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four
cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images
called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a
month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
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You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them
again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12
cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing
them.
CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment,
high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows, but declare only one. The European Union subsidises you to
buy another cow, then pays you cull your cows because there is an oversupply of
milk. You pocket the money, sell the cows and get subsidised by the EU to buy them
back because there is a milk shortage.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon
you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The
annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell
one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No
balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
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A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...
A NEW ECONOMY CORPORATION
You have no cows, but you have a fantastic business plan.
I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to
get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my motherin-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who
sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. She
was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married,
and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get
married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just
once...
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to
the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her
delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I
opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and
with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you
have passed our little test.
We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!
Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the
barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
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So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing
in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III "
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with
big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass, I told
you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Men's five most feared questions:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode
into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below along with possible
responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling.
I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman
you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely
is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
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e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told
Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you"
Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary,
"Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, sh/t loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?
Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you
d. I've seen fatter
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the
insurance money if you died.
Question #4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
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c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the
insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow up
questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (Makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Sh/t.
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
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The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother
says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the
phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished
man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it
and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the
girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born
I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank
account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 2,000,000 bank
account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage...
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's
shoulder and tells him: "You'll f*ck her again!
Why are men thinkers and women talkers?
Because men have two heads and women have four lips!
Student Suspended Over Suspected Use of PHP
Topeka, KS - High school sophomore Brett Tyson was suspended today after
teachers learned he may be using PHP.
"A teacher overheard him say that he was using PHP, and as part of our ZeroTolerance policy against drug use, he was immediately suspended. No questions
asked," said Principal Clyde Thurlow. "We're not quite sure what PHP is, but we
suspect it may be a derivative of PCP, or maybe a new designer drug like GHB."
Parents are frightened by the discovery of this new menace in their children's school,
and are demanding the school do something. "We heard that he found out about
PHP at school on the internet. There may even be a PHP web ring operating on
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school grounds," said irate parent Carol Blessing. "School is supposed to be teaching
our kids how to read and write. Not about dangerous drugs like PHP."
In response to parental demands the school has reconfigured its internet WatchDog
software to block access to all internet sites mentioning PHP. Officials say this should
prevent any other students from falling prey like Brett Tyson did. They have also
stepped up locker searches and brought in drug sniffing dogs.
Interviews with students suggested that PHP use is wide spread around the school,
but is particularly concentrated in the geeky nerd population. When contacted by
BBspot.com, Brett Tyson said, "I don't know what the hell is going on dude, but this
suspension gives me more time for fraggin'. Yee haw!"
PHP is a hypertext preprocessor, which sounds very dangerous. It is believed that
many users started by using Perl and moved on to the more powerful PHP. For more
information on how to recognize if your child may be using PHP please visit
http://www.php.net.
Bush's Warsaw War Pact
By MAUREEN DOWD
WASHINGTON
The diplomatic motorcade pulled up to the White House yesterday with great fanfare.
The two Marine guards at the door of the colonnaded West Wing saluted smartly. TV
cameras pressed close to get pictures of the vital American ally alighting from the
black sedan for his one-on-one with President Bush.
It was a summit of the two great strategic partners, America and Bulgaria.
Bulgaria?
As the world's only remaining superpower was conferring honor upon one of its only
remaining friends, America smashed through the global looking glass.
To get Saddam, the Bush administration has dizzily turned the world upside down
and inside out.
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Our new best friends are the very people we used to protect our old best friends
from. During the cold war, we safeguarded Old Europe from the Evil Empire. Now we
have embraced the former Soviet Bloc satellites to protect us from the Security
Council machinations of our former paramours France and Germany. NATO was
created to protect Western Europe from the Communist hordes - namely the
Bulgarians, who tried to outdo the bizarro Albanians as the most Stalinist regime in
Eastern Europe and were renowned for the "thick necks" who did wet work for the
K.G.B.
The U.S. is now in the process of wooing the "minnows" - as some in the Pentagon
disparagingly call the small countries that could deliver the votes for a Security
Council resolution on going to war with Iraq.
It's the battle of the pipsqueak powers: we dragoon Bulgaria to offset France
dragooning Cameroon.
The Bulgarians used to be the lowest of the low here. In 1998, just before the visit of
the Bulgarian president, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel met with
President Clinton. The visit was so icy that a Clinton aide joked to reporters about Mr.
Netanyahu: "We're treating him like the president of Bulgaria. Actually, I think Clinton
will go jogging with the president of Bulgaria, so that's not fair."
Now Secretary Don Evans flies off to Bulgaria to discuss trade, and Rummy hints we
may move U.S. troops from Germany to Bulgaria.
In diplomatic circles, our new allies from Eastern Europe are dryly referred to as
"Bush's Warsaw Pact." As one Soviet expert put it, "Bulgaria used to be Russia's
lapdog. Now it's America's lapdog."
The Bulgarians were such sycophants to Russia that in the 60's they proposed
becoming the 16th republic of the Soviet Union.
Mr. Bush will not be the only one having trouble with the Bulgarian prime minister's
name. We all will. In some press reports it's spelled Simeon Saxcoburggotski, and in
others Simeon Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. The tall, balding, bearded prime minister was
formerly King Simeon II, a deposed child czar. He is a distant relative of Prince
Albert, Queen Victoria's consort, but not Count Dracula. That's our other new best
friend, Romania.
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Is this a good trade, the French for the Bulgarians?
Sketchy facts about Bulgaria rattle around: It has a town called Plovdiv; it wants to
become big in the skiing industry; its secret service stabbed an exiled dissident writer
in London with a poison-tipped umbrella - a ricin-tipped umbrella, in fact; its weightlifting team was expelled from the Olympics in a drug scandal in 2000; it sent agents
to kill the pope.
During the cold war Bulgaria was valued by Moscow for the canned tomatoes it sent
in winter, and by France for sending attar of roses, distilled rose oil that was the
binding agent for French perfume.
Three famous Bulgarians: Carl Djerassi, who invented birth control pills; Christo, the
original wrap artist; Boris Christof, the opera singer. In "Casablanca" there was the
Bulgarian girl who offered herself to Claude Rains to get plane tickets.
Avis Bohlen, a former second-in-command at the American Embassy in France and
an ambassador to Sofia in the late 1990's, calls Bulgaria "a very gutsy little country"
that has worked hard to improve.
Ms. Bohlen is dubious about the Bush administration's volatile snits at old allies. "You
can't build a foreign policy on pique," she says.
She says Bulgaria will be a good ally: "They're really brilliant at math and science,
and they have famous wine."
So, we don't need French wine after all.
Three guys were captured in Iraq as American spies and were about to be executed.
One had graduated from the University of South Carolina, one from the University of
North Carolina, and one from Clemson University.
They were about to be executed when the USC grad remembered that Iraqis were
afraid of natural disasters. Right before they were about to shoot him, he yelled,
'Earthquake!' The Iraqis ran and the the USC grad escaped.
Later, when the UNC grad was about to be executed, he remembered what the USC
grad had done, and he yelled, 'Flood!' All the Iraqis ran and the UNC grad escaped.
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The Clemson grad realized what the two had done and planned to do the same.
When the time came for his execution, he confidently yelled, 'Fire!'
You are definitely a Greek if:
You can distinguish between kefalotiri and kefalograviera
You can spell kefalograviera
You are an adult and are forced to be with your family at 12midnight on new years
eve
Your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for everything
Your mother or father still feels the need to tell you, "katse kala" in public
You have ever been hit with a pandofla
You can dance kalamatiano, tsamiko, zebekiko without music
At every point in your life were not talking to at least one family member
You must name your children after your in-laws
You have at least 5 Maria's and 9 Dimitri's in your family as a result of the above
You have ever heard the phrase, "Sto leo yia to kalo sou"
You have a bottle of OUZO in your house right now
You know what a komboloi is
You know how to work a komboloi
You have been threatened to be eaten by the baboola/yero/pontiki when you were
little
Someone in your family owns any type of restaurant
Your family inheritance includes olive trees
You can't understand why McDonald's rejected your idea for the "McFeta" sandwich
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following
exchange takes place....
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
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Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken taillight!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks. [Man gives his wife
another dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way
all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
What Your Car Says About Your Personality.
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
AMC - Ain't My Car
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
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Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet Cavalier - Absolute LEGEND!
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Explorer - I will not be caught dead in a mini van
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I
pull up behind them.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at
all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
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Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per
year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch penis.
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to
me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal
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Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagen Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagen Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife
--------------------------------------*NOTE* This doesn't reflect my opinions, I just thought some of it was pretty funny.
Seems like the guy who wrote this was more a Chevy guy.
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe,
when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian
politely ignored the American who, nevertheless started up conversation. The
American snapped his gum and said, "Do you Australian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and
replied, "Of course".
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants,
and sell them to Australia."
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence!
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we
eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in
containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the
condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away of course." replied the American.
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Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't in Australia! We put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the
United States .....that's why its called Wrigley's."
An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar one night having a
beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air,
pulls out a gun and shoots a glass to pieces and says "In Sath Afrika our glasses are
so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice"
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air,
pulls out his gun ans shoots the glass to pieces and says "Well mate in
'straaaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to
drink out of the same glass twice either".
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian
and says "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Australians that we
don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
Hearing so many people speaking ill about his intelligence level, George W. Bush Jr.
decided to get his brain checked.
The physician diagnosis was:
"Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the right, like all normal people. But
the problem is: in your left brain, there is nothing right and in your right brain, there is
nothing left!"
After the Turkish Parliament voted to disallow American troops in Turkey for an Iraq
war, former Turkish prime minister Bulent Ecevit phoned President George W Bush:
"I had a dream about the United States" he said. "I could see the whole country, and
over every building and home was a banner," said Ecevit.
"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.
"Long live Turkish-American friendship." answered the Turkish prime minister.
"I'm so glad you called" said President Bush. "I, too, had a dream. In my dream, I saw
Turkey and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt with many tall, gleaming
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office buildings, large residential subdivisions with swimming pools in every yard; and
over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner."
"What did the banner say?" Asked Mr. Ecevit.
"I don't know," answered the president, "I can't read Greek."
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you?"
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
A lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect
car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a
loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right
now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is "Andre," a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are
going to shit when you hear the price."
I guess that sometimes wishes come true...
GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE... ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE
STORY.
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ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE,
NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL
STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO
EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC
REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING
SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE
WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE
PROGRAMS. OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG
AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT
ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED. ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY,
FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A
REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL
ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING
BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL,
WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS
NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK
UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR.
GORSKY.
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS
ON THE MOON!"
TRUE STORY.
Fcuknig amzanig...
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr
the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at
the rghit pclae.
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The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is
bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe.
Fcuknig amzanig huh?
Subject: English for Austrionics in California
The New California Governor has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the state, rather than German which was the other
possibility. As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phasein plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or, if nobody will be offended,
"Austrionics")..
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants
jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome
"ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the
stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w"
with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and
after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze
drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!
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If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.
This is a test of your morality.
You have to scroll down rather slow to keep the test effective. If you answer truthfully
you can test your own morals and humanity.
There's only one question in this test but it's a crucial one.
Here goes.
You're in florida...
....to be more presice, in Miami...
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Around you is a massive, stormbrought, flood...
....there's water all around you...
....You're a CNN reporter...
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And you're in the middle of this splendid disaster....
It's almost hopeless.....
And you're trying to get good photos....
There's houses and people disappearing into the flood around you....
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Nature shows it's full force..
And destroys everything with it....
Suddenly you see a man driving a pickup.....
He's struggling to keep from getting swept away by the mud and water....
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You move closer....
He seems like someone important....
Then you notice it's George W. Bush!
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At the same time you notice that the water masses are about to sweep him
away....for good....
You have two choices: You can save his life or take a picture that will win you the
Pulitzer price for sure......
A picture of the death of one of the most influencial men alive....
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And now the question(be honest):
Do you print the photos in color or black and white?
The Vasa: A Disaster Story with Sofware Analogies
Linda Rising
I have spent some time leading postmortem meetings where projects (successful and
otherwise) would examine possible causes for the fate of the project. We would look
for things that should be repeated on other projects but usually the focus was - all the
things that went wrong. Most of the time this list of gotchas contained nothing new just those good things we've learned in the past but can't seem to remember to apply
in the current project. Those of us who work in the wonderful world of software are
continually berating ourselves for not perfecting our engineering discipline (if it truly is
an engineering discipline but that's another discussion). Other engineering
approaches seem to work better than ours or at least that's what we think and
certainly others have told us.
I recently visited a fascinating museum in Stockholm, Sweden that tells the story of
an engineering tragedy - the sinking of the Swedish warship, Vasa, on her maiden
voyage on August 10, 1628. She capsized in a light squall and sank - she never
made it out of the harbor. Of the 150 on board (only a partial crew - the ship was
designed to carry 450), 30-50 died in the disaster, including wives and children of the
crew who were allowed on board for the special occasion. All this happened in front
of the crowd gathered to watch the sendoff. Imagine watching helplessly as the
magnificent new ship went under! In 1956, the wreck of the Vasa was discovered by
Mr. Anders Franzén. We not only have the ship but also records of the follow-on
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inquiry - a kind of postmortem document. The inquiry did not yield any conclusive
result and no one was found guilty. It was an obvious failure but no one did anything
wrong! Let's start at the beginning to see if we can uncover anything that might help
us. Along the way we'll see the software parallels.
January 16, 1625, the Swedish Navy signed a contract with two experienced Dutch
ship builders, brothers Henrik and Arend Hybertsson. The contract outlined the
construction of four ships: two small (keel length 108 feet) and two large (keel length
135 feet). There were some problems with shipyard finances in the first few years
following the signing of this contract, which delayed construction of the Vasa. As a
result, toward the end of construction, the work was rushed and hasty improvisations
were included.
Boy! Does this sound familiar! Finally, the contract is signed and then there are
delays. Of course, during the delay, the end date is never pushed out but hangs in
the air, clearly visible to all, unyielding, carrying messages of weeks of overtime,
missed vacations, pressure galore! Then the delay ends and the rush is on. No one
can work hard enough or fast enough because you're already behind.
September 20, 1625, ten Swedish warships were lost in a storm.
November 4, 1625, the king, Gustav II Adolf, with his army in Poland, wrote Admiral
Klas Fleming in Stockholm asking for an earlier delivery of the two smaller ships in
the contract to help him recover from the loss of the ten warships. In his letter he also
specifies the keel length of the ships - 120 feet – longer than the smaller ships in the
contract but shorter than the larger ones! Ships in those days were made of wood
and timber was cut to spec. Each tree felled was intended for a specific purpose. The
timber had already been cut to meet the original specifications. The 120-foot ship
could not have been built with the timber intended for the smaller ship or the larger.
The builder protested.
I've never had to deal with a king as a customer but I have seen high-level managers
who wanted to move the schedule up and change the requirements! Of course, with
a very high-level person, it's very difficult to “push back” without losing the contract! In
this case, the high-level person was not only changing requirements but wanted to
get involved in the details and specify keel length! It seems this particular king had a
special interest in shipbuilding - wouldn't you know it! It's true that leaders in those
days were closer to the action. It's only in modern warfare that the general sits back
and plays more of a director role. In the 1600s the leader would have been in the
thick of it. That's probably why so many kings lost their lives in those decisive battles!
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February 22, 1626, the builder's objection annoyed the king but he wanted his ship,
so he wrote back to the Admiral that if the specifications could not be followed then
the builder was to deliver the larger ship (135 foot) described in the original contract.
March 21, 1626, this reply was finally replayed to the builder. In the mean time,
construction had proceeded so, again, changes had to be made. The keel length of
the Vasa is 135 feet but it is constructed of four pieces - more than the usual for the
time. It appears that the builder had cut timber for the original specs, tried to meet the
first request by extending the keel of one of the smaller ships and then when the
second request appeared, had tried to extend the keel further. Could this have
caused instability in the ship?
How often has this happened? The customer sets out an original set of requirements
- then come the changes. While we're trying to see which changes can be
incorporated and management and marketing folks are working to see if the
customer can be flexible about any of the requests - the customer counters by
changing the very requirements that we have started to implement!
Late 1625, the builder, Henrik Hybertsson, became seriously ill
Spring 1627, Henrik Hybertsson died. His assistant, Hein Jacobsson, took over his
responsibilities. During the transition period, shipbuilding management suffered. A
terminally ill manager tried to make decisions and his assistant tried to understand
what he could do and what his sick boss wanted to be consulted about.
The illness or death of a key person on a project can have a profound affect. I have
never experienced this but I remember reading about a similar incident on the
Denver Airport project. Software Runaways [3] tells this story and others.
Modern building contracts contain detailed descriptions of the ship. In the 1600s
there were no drawings and the descriptions in the contracts were very sketchy especially for the armament. The following is the initial list of the armament planned
for the Vasa. Note the specifications are given in terms of the weight of the projectile
it fired, e.g. a 12-pounder fired a 12 pound cannonball.
24 12-pounders
36 24-pounders
8 48-pounders
10 small guns
This was way too much for the single enclosed deck and the open deck planned for
the Vasa.
The word on the street was that the Danes had built a ship, the Sancta Sophia,
similar in size to the Vasa but with two enclosed decks with ports for 50 guns. (In
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reality she only carried 40. On hearing this, the king decided that the Vasa must also
have two gun decks. She was the first ship in Sweden to be built in this way - another
innovation.
Customers who want something because they have heard that someone else is
going to have it and the customers want it first! It doesn't matter whether the thing is
technically feasible - not a consideration! Whether it conflicts with existing
requirements - not a consideration! Whether the resulting product will meet other
performance requirements - not a consideration!
When the builder received the order to add another closed deck, the hull was already
under construction. Hein Jacobsson testified that he built the Vasa one foot five
inches wider than originally planned but since the bottom was already fixed this
contribution to stability was negligible. In other words, the ship was not really
adequate to hold the weight of the armament that two enclosed decks would carry,
despite the best effort of the builder.
The developer tries desperately to make the requirements real. He adds kludge after
kludge to make the customer happy. Why don't developers push back? Well, in the
case of the Vasa, that was impossible. No one pushes back on the king! You would
have to leave the country and maybe the region to ever work again! Most of our
customers aren't kings but we certainly treat them that way.
The Vasa was also the first Swedish warship with a real brick oven - another
innovation and more weight. But wait, we're not finished, there's still more weight to
come. In 1628, the king again changed the requirements, asking for even more
armaments:
30 24-pounders (a reduction, since the lower deck could only have 30 gun ports)
30 12-pounders (increased from 24)
8 6-pounders (added)
4 48-pounders (whoa!)
In a final round of changes, the previous list was replaced with 60 24-pounders,
making the Vasa the first “all-big-gun” ship - yet another innovation! These changes
came too late to alter the upper gun ports (they are smaller than those on the lower
deck). The builder could only hope that the deck and its beams would stand up to the
weight of 60 large guns.
The requirement for 60 24-pounders was unrealistic since the two enclosed gun
decks only had 56 gun ports. In a series of notes in the requirements document: the
first specifies: 54 24-pounders, the second: 58 24-pounders, 12 12-pounders, and
the third: 58 24-pounders, 8 12-pounders. The 12-pounders would have to have been
placed on the upper, open deck. In the third case, 8 of the heavier 24-pounders
would also have to have been placed on the upper deck. What a nightmare!
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As I read through the chapter on the changing requirements, I felt a strong bond with
the poor builders who faced this upheaval over 300 years ago. “This is reality in the
current environment.” we are told. “The world is changing so fast that customers can't
know what they want.” It seems this has been true for some time and that it's not a
reflection of any “current” trend but just a sign that customers and users have always
been customers and users.
In the final analysis, the number of guns was determined by production - which was
delayed! Sweden recovered most of the guns aboard the Vasa in 1663-64. The guns
were of imprecise quality (signs of great haste). On the basis of the number and
position of the gun carriages, she carried 48 24-pounders, 24 on each of the two
enclosed decks.
In the end there are always limits and that will determine what is delivered. It may be
production. It may be the hardware. Regardless of the detailed documentation and
haggling, the final feature list will probably depend on ordinary physical reality!
Most ships during this period of naval history were pretty top-heavy. This was more
the case for English ships than Dutch. Liberal ballast was the only thing keeping most
of them afloat. To allow this, the hull had to be deep in the hold. Dutch ships were
more of problem since they were designed with flat-bottomed hulls to accommodate
the shallow waters along the Dutch coast. The Vasa was a hybrid-flat-bottomed (not
much room for ballast) but heavily built and armed.
Those close to the project were clearly concerned. Admiral Fleming and Captain
Hansson ordered a stability test but neither of the builders was present or informed
about the disturbing outcome. In the stability test, 30 men ran from one side of the
ship to the other. According to testimony, “The first time, it heeled over one plank (an
angle measurement), the second time two planks, and the third time three planks.” At
that point, the Admiral ordered the testing to stop. An observer noted, “If they had run
across the ship one more time, she would have capsized.” The Admiral said at the
time that he wished, “that His Royal Majesty had been home.” Why didn't the admiral
or the captain stop the Vasa from setting out on her expedition? Why did they allow
families on board for the maiden voyage? The answer must have been related to the
great urgency. She was already behind schedule and the king had ordered that “both
the Vasa and [another ship] shall be ready by [July 25], and if not, those responsible
would be subject to His Majesty's disgrace.”
Stop testing because the results are not showing the product in a favorable light?
Deliver something that we know is full of bugs? What software project has ever done
that???
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Neither the admiral nor the captain said anything about the stability test in their
testimony at the inquiry following the disaster. The outspoken boatswain Matsson
was the only one to mention it. He added that the captain had told the admiral that
the ship was unstable. Clearly, the high-ranking project managers knew about the
problems and did nothing.
This is a sad commentary. I don't like to think that this can happen in any project.
Usually management is under tremendous pressure to produce something. They
may allow the product to appear, even when they know it won't perform. This is
unethical behavior. In the case of the Vasa it resulted in the death of the crew and
innocent family members. I think we all know that Peter Neumann [4] writes a column
that catalogs software accidents, including software deaths. I always wonder whether
anyone knew of the potential for disaster when the software was released and
allowed it to be sent out anyway.
Adding ballast improves the stability of a ship but at a cost - the ship rides lower. If
too much ballast is used, the gun ports will be too close to the waterline. The admiral
had already expressed his concern to the boatswain that the gun ports were too
close (3.5 feet he claimed, actual distance was a little over 4 feet) to the waterline
and instructed the boatswain not to add more ballast. The boatswain testified that he
went below with a lantern to ensure that as much ballast had been added as
possible, despite the Admiral's instructions.
When the Vasa was constructed there were no scientific means to determine stability
or center of gravity (cog) or the actual weight of ballast needed. Computer
simulations based on measurements taken after the Vasa was recovered show that
the cog was 6.16 m too high. Additional ballast sufficient to lower the cog might have
saved the Vasa from capsizing in the harbor but the disaster would only have been
postponed, given the weight on board. The actual weight of ballast on board was
about 122 tons. Another 130 tons would have been needed to lower the cog the
required amount. This would have lowered the gun ports to about 3.5 feet - possibly
unacceptable for the admiral. Unfortunately, there was not room for the extra ballast
in the hold.
Finally, the captain sailed a brand new ship with open gun ports. The Vasa sank
when water poured in through the open, lower gun ports. It might have been wiser to
test the new ship on her maiden voyage with closed gun ports, but, again, this may
have only delayed the disaster.
Summary
- The Vasa was initially specified as a small ship but became a large ship.
- The building was delayed and then completed in haste.
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- Early plans show the Vasa with one enclosed gun deck but she was completed with
two - an innovation for the time - the first ship of this kind.
- There was a continual changing of armaments without regard to stability.
- The illness and death of the builder and the transition to his assistant weakened
project management.
- Changes in armament plans led to heavier armament than the hull could carry and
more than could be accommodated on one enclosed deck.
- Gun manufacture was a bottleneck. Only 48 24-pounders were completed (but the
weight was still too high).
- The hull was large, heavier than common practice.
- No scientific approach to stability was available. The ballast was added by “feel”
and only checked by one person.
- A stability test was carried out but the admiral and captain did not act on its
outcome.
- The gun ports should have been closed for the maiden voyage.
What are the lessons for software developers? Hearing all the problems in the
building of the Vasa and empathizing with them - what does that do for us? Did you
find yourself nodding and muttering to yourself while reading this? I heard lots of
comments from people around me as we were listening to our museum guide tell this
story. “Politics as usual.” “The big boss always gets his way.” “The same old story.”
Lots of comments, lots of people, lots of accents. It's the same the world over.
For me, the big revelation was seeing that we're not alone, that other engineering
disciplines really don't have it all figured out, that the problems that cause disasters
are a combination of technical and political and they can all cause a project to fail. It's
sort of a happy-sad revelation. I'm happy that software isn't the only industry that
struggles but sad that we are all plagued with seemingly insurmountable difficulties.
Some might say that shipbuilding has improved in the last 300 years and that
disaster stories like the Vasa are rare. To this I would have to reply, “You're right,
ship building has improved! Was the Titanic a ship? What about the Concorde?”
I don't want to end on a sour note because I believe that sharing stories is good and
that recognizing commonalities and talking about problems is the first step to solving
them. Henry Petroski [5] presents several engineering disasters in his book, To
Engineer is Human. Don't read this, as I did, on a plane flying through a lot of
turbulence! Now that my version of story has been told, I hope we'll all remember the
Vasa and learn from the mistakes of the past.
References
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1. Borgenstam, C. and A. Sandström, Why Vasa Capsized, AB Grafisk Press,
Stockholm 1995.
2. The Vasa Museum http://www.vasamuseet.se/indexeng.html
3. Glass, R., Software Runaways, Prentice Hall, 1997.
4. Peter Neumann's home page: http://www.csl.sri.com/neumann/neumann.html
5. Petroski, Henry, To Engineer is Human, St. Martin's Press, 1985.
© 2001 The Software Practitioner, used with permission.
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: "Send me a brother".
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother"...
Women & Shopping
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to
choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and
the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is,
however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that
floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The
woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend,
but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and
love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further
up?"
And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs,
love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says "But I wonder
what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely
good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very
tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"
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And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have
a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me
further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor
3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.
Dictionary Differences
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing cricket without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
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Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes
TEN THINGS TO STEAL FROM... THE GREEK
Text by Malika Browne
They are Europe's heaviest smokers (45% of the adult population smokes), they
consume more Scotch whisky per person than any other country in the world, they
have names like Adonis, they put on tracksuits just to watch sport on television, they
have a reputation of agreeing to but ignoring EU regulations and last year their
government banned all electronic games across the country including ones on home
computers, portable consoles, and mobile phones. We have already stolen
democracy, the Olympics, and most of our words from them, but we still think there
are a couple of things left that we'd like to get our hands on...
Time
In Greece, GMT stands for Greek Maybe Time. Nothing is too urgent to require
immediate attention. The siesta, which takes place between about 2pm and 5pm, is
built into the day, and in many villages, the Sunday volta - or promenade in the
French sense of the word - is still the highlight of the week, when villagers have a
walk to pass the time of day and boys watch girls go by. The common sight of
unfinished houses in Greece, with girders sticking out of the top floor, is a testament
to the Greeks' relationship with the future; enough of the house is made ready for the
family's present needs; when they need more room, they just build more.
Cinemas
In summer, most cinemas in Greece are outdoors, and have bars selling whisky,
cognac, ouzo and snacks. There is also an intermission halfway through the film so
you can replenish your drinks and decide whether you're enjoying the movie. And the
projectionist won't have to wait until the intermission for his cigarette - smoking is
allowed throughout the show in Greek cinemas. Unlike other European countries,
Greece does not dub foreign films into Greek but uses subtitles instead.
Coffee
Known as Turkish coffee until 1974, when Turkey invaded Northern Cyprus, the
coffee you get in Greece is not for the faint-hearted. The young in Greece prefer
frappé, instant coffee with milk. In villages, the kafenion, or local café, is the local
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gossip point, where Greek men go to play tavli, or backgammon. Until the early '80s,
there were always at least two kafenions in every village, no matter how small it was.
Each one was decorated with different colours, signalling the political leanings of the
kafenion owner. This way you avoided political quarrels. In larger towns and cities,
local coffee bars still deliver trays of coffee on foot to local businesses.
Eating habits
Cross-generational dining, with grandma and small children at the same table, is
always more entertaining even if it does take longer. But the Greeks aren't in a hurry
where food is concerned; late-night dining means sitting down to the evening meal no
earlier than 9pm. Even on Sunday nights tavernas are packed until late. Eating alone
is unheard of, so the solo diner will find it hard to get served. Meals in restaurants are
paid for in cash, not credit cards or cheques, and Greeks always have enough
money on them to pay for others.
Island hopping
Greece has 227 inhabitable islands divided up into seven island groups: the Ionian
Islands, the Dodecanese, Crete, the Cyclades, the Saronic, the North Eastern
Aegean Islands and the Sporades. An impressively efficient ferry system operates
between the island groups, and Greeks island-hop for weekends away. In fact, the
islands may be the reason Greeks are so reluctant to holiday abroad, and who can
blame them? August is best avoided by those who hate crowds.
Attempts at traffic solutions
Instead of an administration-heavy congestion charge, Athens instituted a system of
alternate driving days a few years ago, whereby motorists can only use their cars
every other day, as dictated by the last digit of their number plate. This was aimed at
combating both congestion and pollution. Unfortunately, the canny Athenians got
round the restriction by buying a second car (often second-hand and therefore more
likely to pollute) with the opposite number plate. Nice try though. The Athens metro,
another traffic solution, could be seen as the eighth wonder of the world, and not only
because it's a wonder they ever finished it at all. Finally opened in January 2000, the
new subway system looks like a museum. Check out the station under Syntagma
Square for the highest concentration of ancient exhibits.
The luck of being born female
Most Greek parents build a house for each daughter, but not for their sons as they
are supposed to marry a girl who will get a house from her parents. Often it is also
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the daughter that inherits her parents' or grandparents' house when they die. Do
expectant Greek parents pray for sons?
Nectar of the gods.
Wine from the Katogi winery - no wonder Dionysus was devoted to the stuff.
Plate Smashing
The Greeks love to throw things. They throw carnations to singers and smash
glasses and dishes when beautiful girls dance the zeibekiko or the hasapiko on the
dance floor. Back in the '30s they used to throw knives - a sign of respect and
manhood - at dancers' feet. Due to injuries, that tradition gradually changed to the
present-day plate-throwing tradition, which has stuck. Luckily the Greeks take their
recycling seriously, so it's not a complete waste!
Wacky beliefs
Superstitions and strong religious beliefs always make life more interesting. When
Greeks move into a new house, the local priest comes over to exorcise and bless it.
In Greece, Tuesday the 13th is the unlucky day (not Friday) because it is the day on
which Constantinople fell to the Ottoman Turks.
Products worth emigrating for
Bougatsa - a filo pastry custard pie sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon, which one
can buy from the early hours of the morning (very welcome after clubbing)
Periptera: Incredibly useful street kiosks that stay open late and sell everything from
tobacco to cold drinks, maps, newspapers, key rings, ice creams, worry beads, and
hundreds of other things. It's always worth asking if they have something as they
probably will! There are around 46000 of these kiosks in Greece.
A dinner conversation that went wrong ...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
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HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - HUSBAND: "Shit."
Subject: Refuse Refusal!!!
Dear Sir / Madam
Thank you for your letter of 4 September 2003. After careful consideration I regret to
inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your
company. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is
impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.
Therefore I will start work with your company on Monday 23 Februar at 8.30 am.
I look forward to seeing you then.
Xxx
Subject: Bushes and Shames!
First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because
you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill.
- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003
I think war is a dangerous place.
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- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 7, 2003
You're free, and freedom is beautiful...and, you know, it'll take time to restore chaos
and order - order out of chaos, but we will.
- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 13, 2003
I described them [Iraq] as the axis of evil once. I described them as an enemy until
proven otherwise. They obviously, you know, desire weapons of mass destruction. I
presume that he still views us as an enemy.
- George W. Bush, showing that he believes all countries are guilty until proven
innocent, Ridgewood Country Club, Waco, Texas, Mar. 10, 2003
This is a -- a regional issue. I say a regional issue because -- there's a lot of countries
that have got a direct stake into whether or not North Korea has nukyular weapons.
We've got a stake as to whether North Korea has a nukyular weapon. China clearly
has a stake as to whether or not North Korea has a nukyular weapon. South Korea,
of course, has a stake. Japan has got a significant stake as to whether or not North
Korea has a nukyular weapon.
- George W. Bush, having difficulty pronouncing the word "nuclear," press
conference, White House, Mar. 6, 2003
Now, we talked to Joan Hanover. She and her husband, George, were visiting with
us. They are near retirement - retiring - in the process of retiring, meaning they're
very smart, active, capable people who are retirement age and are retiring.
- George W. Bush, Alexandria, Va., Feb. 12, 2003
The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam
Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself.
- George W. Bush, Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003
I think the American people - I hope the American - I don't think, let me - I hope the
American people trust me.
- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 18, 2002
There's only one person who hugs the mothers and the widows, the wives and the
kids upon the death of their loved one. Others hug but having committed the troops,
I've got an additional responsibility to hug and that's me and I know what it's like.
- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 11, 2002.
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I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully. - George W. Bush
There's nothing more deep than recognizing Israel's right to exist. That's the most
deep thought of all. ... I can't think of anything more deep than that right. - George W.
Bush, Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002
It is white. - George W. Bush, asked by a child in Britain what the White House was
like, July 19, 2001
I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I
believe what I believe is right. - George W. Bush, in Rome, July 22, 2001
But I also made it clear to (Vladimir Putin) that it's important to think beyond the old
days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be
safe. - George W. Bush, May 1, 2001
They misunderestimated me. - George W. Bush, Nov. 2000
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. George W. Bush
The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never interviewed her. - George W.
Bush, responding to a magazine article claiming he suffered from dyslexia
Actually, I - this may sound a little West Texas to you, but I like it. When I'm talking
about - when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us
are talking about me. - George W. Bush
-----------------------------------------------------------------------The play was a great success, but the audience was a disaster.
- Oscar Wilde
In a mere half century films have gone from silent to unspeakable.
- Doug Larson
We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the
mental institution of the universe.
- Johann von Goethe
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Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
- Desmond Morris
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is
an idiot.
- Groucho Marx
You must have taken great pains, sir; you could not have been naturally so stupid.
- Samuel Johnson
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about
the former.
- Albert Einstein
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
- Dorothy Parker
Damn it, sir, it is your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure.
- Oscar Wilde
He was so narrow minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
- Molly Ivins
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the
other room and read a book.
- Groucho Marx
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a
political career.
- George Bernard Shaw
A politician is a person who approaches every subject with an open mouth.
- Adlai Stevenson
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This book is both good and original, but the part that is original is not good and the
part that is good, is not original.
- George Bernard Shaw
Every word she writes is a lie, including "and" and "the."
- Mary McCarthy on Lillian Hellman
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears
dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
- Fred Allen
Hah! I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a boy!
- Ava Gardner, on Mia Farrow's marriage to Frank Sinatra
I had no idea Stravinsky disliked Debussy as much as this.
- Ernest Newman, on Stravinsky's "Symphony of Wind Instruments" in memory of
Debussy
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any
man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
- George Bernard Shaw
Somebody should clip Sting around the head and tell him to stop using that ridiculous
Jamaican accent.
- Elvis Costello, on Sting
Religion is the source of all imaginable follies and disturbances; it is the parent of
fanaticism and civil discord; it is the enemy of mankind.
- Voltaire
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
- Oscar Wilde
Don't tell me you're a Christian. Let me figure it out.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- Voltaire
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I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your
Christ.
- Mahatma Gandhi
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense,
reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
- Galileo Galilei
God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He
has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.
- Pablo Picasso
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably
because generally they are the same people.
- G. K. Chesterton
Organized religion: The world's largest pyramid scheme.
- Bernard Katz
Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common
sense.
- Chapman Cohen
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact
than a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
- George Bernard Shaw
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
- Pablo Picasso
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Groucho Marx
I spent all day yesterday hitting myself. You see, I hate everybody and I'm no
exception.
- Tony Blackburn
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart
of a young boy - in a jar on my desk.
- Stephen King
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An American, a Brit and an Iraqi are one night having a beer.
The Yank drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, Pulls out a gun
and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In the states our glasses are so cheap that
we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Brit obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air,
pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In the British Isles we have
so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass
twice either."
The Iraqi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into
the air, pulls out his gun and shoots both the Yank and the Brit. He says "In Iraq we
have so many Americans and Brits that we don't need to drink with the same ones
twice."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church
service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to
argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I
can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father was at the beach with his children when the four- year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the
Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
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He never got married.
He never held a steady job.
His last request was a drink.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
His first name was Jesus.
He was always in trouble with the law.
His mother didn't know who his father was.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
He talked with his hands.
He had wine with every meal.
He worked in the building trades.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
He called everybody brother.
He had no permanent address.
Nobody would hire him.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot.
He invented a new religion.
AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS GREEK:
He went into his father's business.
He lived at home until the age of 33.
He was sure his mother was a virgin.
His mother was sure he was God
Ask for salary increase
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One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be
under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport
including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed.
You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the
United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential
elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
A Greek walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he' s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan,
so the Greek hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he has the title and everything
checks out.
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The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank' s president
and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Greek for using a $250,000 Rolls as
collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank' s
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Greek returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes
to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Greek replies. "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for
only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?".
Operator : Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your order?
Customer: Hello, can I order...?
Operator: Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?
Customer: It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610
Operator : OK... you're... Mr. Sheehan and you're calling from 17 Meadow Drive.
Your home number is 494 2366, your office 745 2302 and your mobile is 014 266
2566. Would you like to have the delivery made to 17 Meado Drive?
Customer: Yes, how did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator: We are connected to the system Sir.
Customer: May I order your Seafood Pizza...
Operator: That's not a good idea Sir.
Customer: How come?
Operator: According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even
higher cholesterol level Sir.
Customer: What..? What do you recommend then?
Operator: Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. You'll like it.
Customer: How do you know for sure?
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Operator: You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Soybean Yogurt Dishes" from the
National Library last week Sir.
Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that
cost?
Operator: That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $ 49.99.
Customer: Can I pay by credit card?
Operator: I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit
and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year.
Operator: That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.
Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash
before your guy arrives.
Operator: You can't do that Sir. Based on the records, you' ve reached your daily limit
on machine withdrawal today.
Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it
gonna take anyway?
Operator: About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect
it on your motorcycle…
Customer: What the...?
Operator: According to the details in system, you own a Harley,...registration number
E1123...
Customer: @#%/$@&?#
Operator: Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were
convicted of using abusive language to a policeman...
Customer: (Speechless).
Operator: Is there anything else Sir?
Customer: Nothing... by the way... aren' t you giving me that 3 free bottles of Pepsi as
advertised?
Operator: We normally would Sir, but based on your records you' re also diabetic...!!!
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
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Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I- T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.
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A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 25
years, I will give you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband"......said the wife. The
fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well......this
moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime.
So … I'm sorry my love, but my wish is ... to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle
with her magic stick and abracadabra! Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
The moral of the story: Men might be bastards but Fairies are Female!
Worth knowing about... If by any chance you find it inaccurate please inform!
Heart Attack - Important. Please Read
Let's say it's 6.15pm and you're driving home (alone of course), after an unusually
hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and frustrated Suddenly you start
experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up
into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home.
Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far. You have been
trained in CPR, but the guy that taught the course did not tell you how to perform it
on yourself.
HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE
Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, without help, the
person whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only
about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help
themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be
taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, as when
producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be
repeated about every two seconds without let-up until help arrives, or until the heart
is felt to be beating normally again. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and
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coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The
squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart
attack victims can get to a hospital. Tell as many other people as possible about this.
It could save their lives!!!
A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can bet
that we'll save at least one life.
BE A FRIEND AND PLEASE SEND THIS ARTICLE TO AS MANY FRIENDS AS
POSSIBLE...
A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and
sees one of the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on boarding the plane. He
soon realises she is heading straight towards his seat.
A wave of anticipation and lust washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat
right beside his.
Eager to strike up conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Milan," she states.
"Whoa!!!!!" He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and
she's going to a meeting with a bunch of nymphomaniacs!!!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at
this convention?"
"Lecturer," she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths
about sexuality."
"Really?" He says, swallowing hard, "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explains "one popular myth is that Black men are the most well-endowed
when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men
of Greek descent".
Suddenly the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
"I'm sorry" she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your
name!"
"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Pappadopoulos!"
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You gotta read this out LOUD!!!!!
Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss (or so they say).
(Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!)
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall...
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives
God created the donkey and said to him:
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"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying
burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will
live 50 years."
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"
God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps
that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog."
The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years."
God granted his wish.
God created the monkey and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be
amusing and you will live 20 years. " The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.
Finally God created man and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your
intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and
you will live 20 years."
Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that
the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the
monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish
And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, marries and spends 30 years like a
donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are
grown, he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is
given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to
amuse his grandchildren.
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A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife,
"Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery!
All £10,000,000...."Woooohooo!!!
That's great, sweetie" she replies.
"Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
"Who cares", he replies,
"Just f**k off!"
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of
the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?
"Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm. She asks, "What
about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly
impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the
purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze".
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second
for a change!!!
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices
immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this
is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.
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See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive
breasts in the world was there So, instead of saying, "I'd like two tickets to
Pittsburgh", I accidentally said, "I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh".
So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, " Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I
was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour
me a bowl of Frosties, honey."
But I accidentally said, "you ruined my life you fat evil slag"."
Phone Tale:
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mummy near the phone?"
"No,Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
"But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's
car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and
now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped
out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week
you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and
now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool??? Is this 555-7039?"
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The new American Marine Captain was assigned to an Irish Regiment in a remote
post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched
up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and no
women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m...urges. That's why we have the
camel, sir."
The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting
a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has
wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how
the Irish do it?
"Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies.
"They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi," and says, "I noticed
that you buy a lot of candles."
Yes," answered the Rabbi.
Well, Rabbi, " what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have
enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send
us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually
had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi,
what about all these matzo purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
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"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the
matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer
and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he
went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all
the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to The Inland
Revenue.
"Inland Revenue .?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue " ...and about once a year, they send
us a little prick like you"
Dear Friend,
As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone
will die someday.
My name is sazo fenardo . I a merchant in philipines I have been diagnosed with
Esophageal cancer.
It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few
months to live, according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived my life so
well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business. Though I
am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused
on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I
now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in
the world.
I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my
life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed
and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family
members as well as a few close friends. I want God to be merciful to me and accept
my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be
one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some
charity organizations in the Oman, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has
deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my
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family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to
charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to
themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended
with what I have left for them.
The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of u.s $ 18
million dollars, that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to
help me collect this deposit and dispatch it to charity organizations.
I have set aside 20 % for you and for your time.
God be with you.
sazon fernando
Usual working day:
Wake up,
Nokia, Colgate, Nescafe, Hochland, Orbit.
Renault, Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia.
McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Orbit.
Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia. Renault.
Tuborg.
Tuborg.
Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg.
Nokia... Nokia.
Durex.
Colgate.
Windows 2000 source code leak
Windows Source Code
/* Source Code Windows 2000 */
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#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#include "backdoor.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big(16000000);
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_100_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of-OS2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
} //if
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write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_31();
do_nothing_loop();
} // if
} //while
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed,very_slow);
set_mouse(action,jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction,sometimes);
} //if
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");
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if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp",O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
} // while
create_general_protection_fault();
} // main
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995,
between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland.
The transcript was released by the MoD on the 10/10/95.
BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
collision.
BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.
US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: Negative. I say again divert your course.
US Navy : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
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DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F**k off!
If your wife gets in bed wearing a GREECE T-shirt what is she trying to tell you ?
Solution: "There is no way you are scoring tonight !!!"
Computer Stupidities!!!
- Customer: "I have just received your software, but I have these plastic things, what
are they?"
- Tech Support: "Could you describe them please?"
- Customer: "They are black plastic, thin, and square."
- Tech Support: "Anything else?"
- Customer: "They have a metal bit on one edge."
- Tech Support: "Disks?"
- Customer: "Well, I don't know, do I? I just brought your package. What do I do with
them?"
I see a horrible call ahead, and the customer is quite irate already.
- Tech Support: "Put the disks in the drive."
- Customer: "What's a drive?"
- Tech Support: "The slot in your machine that looks just the right size for the disk."
- Customer: "Which machine?"
- Tech Support: "Do you have a hard drive?"
- Customer: "I have two boxes. One has a picture on it."
- Tech Support: "Put the first disk in, metal side first."
- Customer: "Ok. It's gone in."
- Tech Support: "Go to the 'start' button, then run, then type 'setup'."
- Customer: "My computer isn't on. How do I turn it on?"
- Tech Support: "Push the button by the drive to eject the disk, and press the button
that says 'power' on the machine without the pictures on it."
- Customer: "Ok. Done."
- Tech Support: "Now put in the disk, go to start, run, and type 'setup'."
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- Customer: "Oh, it's all working now. Thanks, but your software isn't very easy to
use, is it?"
- Tech Support: "Do you have the icon on your desktop?"
- Customer: "No. It's a thingy with buttons on the shelf. Um, a modem."
- Tech Support: "Yes. I need you to look at the software you are using though. What
do you click on?"
- Customer: "Oh. Ok."
- Tech Support: "What's the name of the icon you use to click on?"
- Customer: "The mouse?"
Gateway color codes their connectors as well as their ports. Yet:
- Customer: "I'm looking at the back of the system, and I don't know where to plug in
the mouse. There are two holes that are the same size as the mouse."
- Tech Support: "Ok, what color is the tip of the mouse plug?"
- Customer: "Orange."
- Tech Support: "Do you see the orange 'hole' on the back of the computer?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "That is where the mouse plugs into."
- Customer: "Oh. How about the keyboard?"
- Tech Support: "What color is the plug on the keyboard?"
- Customer: "Purple."
- Tech Support: "And do you see the purple 'hole' on the back of the computer?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "That is where the keyboard plugs in. The tips are color coded."
- Customer: "I see. How about the speakers?"
I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using
computers since forever.
- Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
- Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
- Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
- Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
- Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
- Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
- Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
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Pause.
- Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
- Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
- Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
- Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
- Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
- Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
- Customer: "Oh."
- Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
- Customer: "Why?"
- Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
- Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
- Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
- Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this
lady's unique computer.
- Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.
- Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labelled "BANG HEAD
HERE."
- Tech Support: "Thank you for calling customer service, and how may I help you?"
- Customer: "I can't get it to do."
- Tech Support: "Excuse me, ma'am?"
- Customer: "I can't get my Internet to do."
- Tech Support: "Let's check your setup."
- Customer: "Okey dokey."
- Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon."
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- Customer: "I don't see that one."
- Tech Support: "What screen are you on, and what does you desktop look like?"
- Customer: "Wood."
- Tech Support: "What's on your screen, ma'am?"
- Customer: "A bunch of names."
- Tech Support: "Like what?"
- Customer: "Bill, George, Larry, Jim."
- Tech Support: "What screen are you on?"
- Customer: "I am on the one I'm on. I need to go get my daughter. She's the
computer guru of the family."
- Tech Support: "Great, thank you."
- April: "Hi, I'm April, and you are?"
- Tech Support: "Mike."
- April: "Mike. Cool, dude."
- Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
- April: "You will have to excuse my mother. She's a little dense."
- Tech Support: "No problem."
- April: "How old are you?"
- Tech Support: "300 years old. I'm the 'Highlander.' Um, would you do a double click
on the 'My Computer' icon?"
- April: "Sorry, I don't see that one."
- Tech Support: "What do you see?"
- April: "Bill, George, Larry, and Jim."
- Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you using?"
- April: "Ninety-something I guess."
- Tech Support: "Erm. Shut down the computer and reboot."
- April: "Ok...." (pause) "Done."
- Tech Support: "What does your screen say?
- April: "Bill, Larry, Jim, Barbie, and Wimper."
- Tech Support: "Just for kicks, do a double click on 'Bill,' and see what happens."
- April: "What is this?"
- Tech Support: "What did it do?"
- April: "It now has little folders: modems, devices, etc."
- Tech Support: "Why was your 'My Computer' icon named Bill?"
- April: "I wanted to name it something cute. Did I screw up?"
My company develops an online education product for which we provide email and
phone support. A large amount of our users are first-year college students, many of
which have little or no computer experience. Our product requires that you use IE or
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Netscape and is not compatible with AOL's browser. This often causes some
problems with our users as many of them subscribe to AOL. This phone call had me
laughing for a good half hour and most of the other support staff in tears.
- Tech Support: "Good evening, how can I help you?"
- Customer: "Uhh, yeah, I'm tryin' t' use this here program t' take a course online, and
it ain't workin'."
- Tech Support: "All right, what kind of computer do you have? I want to make sure
it's ok to run our software."
- Customer: "Uhh, well, it's my dad's computer, and I don't know what it is. It jus' says
COMPAQ on the front."
- Tech Support: "Ok, and you can connect to the Internet, right?"
- Customer: "Yup, that's not the problem though. I can't take muh course."
- Tech Support: "All right, what browser and version do you use?"
- Customer: "Whut's a browser?"
- Tech Support: "It's the program you use to see things on the Internet. Do you use
Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
- Customer: "Uh, I dunno." (agitated) "I don't know much 'bout this computer stuff.
The school just said I hafta do sum' muh courses on it."
- Tech Support: "Ok, well, when you connect to the Internet and see information, is
there a fancy 'N' in a box on the upper right hand corner of the screen, or is it a blue
'e' with a stripe across it?"
- Customer: "Uh, I don't see none of that."
- Tech Support: "Ok sir, do you know if you use America Online to get on the
Internet?"
- Customer: "Uh, no, ah use AOL."
A gentleman with a western accent called up saying that he was not satisfied with our
service and wished to cancel. After telling him that he would need to call back during
business hours and speak with customer service, I asked if there was anything I
could do to make the service more satisfactory.
- Customer: "Well, I've had ya guys for months now, and still I can't get connected."
- Tech Support: "Have you called us about this before?"
- Customer: "Well, yes, a couple of times."
So I got his username and looked him up. Sure enough, there were two tech logs
under his name, so I read them briefly. Virtually everything that could be checked had
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been checked. Something about the way he was talking to me made me a little
curious, so I continued to ask questions.
- Tech Support: "From what I can tell, the techs have helped you doublecheck your
settings and everything should be perfectly fine. Do you use Netscape or Internet
Explorer to connect?"
- Customer: "Well, now, I dunno. I just use the stuff ya gave me. When I wanna get
online, I click this here."
- Tech Support: "Can you be a little more specific?"
- Customer: "I move the little arrow here and click."
- Tech Support: "Can you tell me what icons are on your desktop?"
- Customer: "I ain't got no icons."
- Tech Support: (blink) "You don't? None at all?"
- Customer: "Nope."
- Tech Support: "Well, ok. Do you have something on your desktop that says,
'Shortcut to [our Internet service]'?"
- Customer: "No, I ain't got nothin' written like that on my desktop."
- Tech Support: "Ok, um...can you tell me what's on your desktop, then?"
- Customer: "Well, I gots me here a pencil, the computer, and my coffee."
- Tech Support: "Um, all right...can you tell me what you see on the TV part of your
computer?"
- Customer: "On one side there's a buncha pictures, and across the top there's
words."
- Tech Support: "Good, sir, that's what I hoped you would say. The little pictures are
called 'icons,' and the whole screen area that the little pictures are on is called the
'desktop.'"
- Customer: "Oh. Hell, is that what you meant? I ain't the religious type, so don't keep
no Marys or nothin' around."
- Tech Support: "Um, yes, that's what I was meaning, sir. Now, on your screen, the
desktop, do you see anything that says 'Shortcut to the Internet' or '[our Internet
service]'?"
- Customer: "Why, yes I do. In fact, that's what I click on when I try to connect."
- Tech Support: "And then what happens sir?"
- Customer: "Well, the computer makes all kinds of annoying sounds, then pops up a
little thing sayin' I'm connected."
- Tech Support: "Go--"
- Customer: (interrupting) "Now before ya say anythin', I wantcha ta know it lies."
- Tech Support: "It what?"
- Customer: "The little thing sayin' I'm connected. It ain't talkin' the truth."
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- Tech Support: "Um...ok...what makes you say that?"
- Customer: "Well, because after that nothin' happens. Nothin' at all."
- Tech Support: "Excuse me?"
- Customer: "Well, it says I'm connected, but nothin' else happens. I'm a patient man,
but after about half an hour, my computer finally gives up the truth an' says I'm not
connected no more."
- Tech Support: "Have you tried using a web browser, sir? Do you get any kind of
errors when you try opening a web page?"
- Customer: "I'm tellin' you, nothin' happens."
- Tech Support: "All right. What do you use for a web browser?"
- Customer: "I'm not quite sure whatcha mean."
- Tech Support: "Netscape Navigator? Internet Explorer? Do you use any programs
like those?"
- Customer: "Now why would I need anything like that? All I want to do is get
connected."
- Tech Support: "Right sir, you are getting conn--"
- Customer: "Now listen here, I just done told ya that I'm not. I think I'd know if
anything happened after I tried to connect. By now I'm getting rather frustrated, but
still I press on."
- Tech Support: "Ok, let me try to explain a couple of things. First of all, when most
people talk about 'surfing the web' and 'getting on the Internet' they're usually talking
about viewing web pages on the Internet."
- Customer: "I follow ya."
- Tech Support: "In order to view these pages, the person needs to run a web
browsing program -- typically Netscape Navigator or Internet Explorer. These turn the
information on a web site into a format that is understandable by an ordinary person."
- Customer: "So I need one of them ta get connected?"
- Tech Support: "Actually, sir, you are already getting connected. Once you get that
'connected' message, you need to open up a web browser."
- Customer: "I do?"
- Tech Support: "Yes, sir. On your screen, do you have a 'little picture' that looks like
a big 'N' or do you have one that looks like an 'e'?"
- Customer: "I got one what looks like an 'N'."
- Tech Support: "All right, sir, here's what I want you to do: After hanging up with me,
I want you to connect like you usually do. Once you get that 'connected' box to
appear on your screen, I want you to click on the picture of an 'N'. If things still aren't
happening after that, go ahead and call us back."
- Customer: "All right, I'll try that, but I tell ya: ain't nothin' gonna happen."
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The customer never called back. He also did not cancel his service the next day. The
whole call took just over an hour and a half and I was ready to pull my hair out at
several points. After the call, though, we were laughing over it for hours.
- Tech Support: "Ok you should now see a small dialog box on your desktop."
- Customer: "I don't see any box on my desktop."
- Tech Support: "Hmmm, are you sure? It looks like a small window with an 'OK'
button in the middle of it."
- Customer: "How can a window be in my desktop?"
- Tech Support: "Sir, what are you looking at?"
- Customer: "My desktop like you asked. There's no box on it, just the computer.
However I do have a small window at the top of my wall, but I don't see anything that
says 'ok'...."
Thinking quickly, I decided to palm the call off to one of our younger support
technicians, deciding this would be the perfect "field trip" for him. I told the customer
we would have a technician drop by on site that afternoon to help him.
The following is what the unsuspecting young technician experienced.
The customer's house appeared to be in the middle of nowhere: there was nothing
but barren land for miles in all directions. As he approached the house, he noticed a
ring of cows, dogs, chickens, and pigs running loose and circling the house making
an awful noise.
As he approached the house, he noticed a dead, half eaten animal near the front of
the house. Later, he learned, whenever the customer needed to feed his dogs, he
would step outside and shoot a calf.
Entering the house, the young technician noticed a very large pet door in the door.
This was so the dogs and pigs could come and go as they pleased.
Inside the house was absolute filth. Mud and grime covered the floor and the walls,
pigs lay on the couch, and dogs sat on the recliner chairs. The stench of filth was
unbearable.
The customer took the technician to the back room, where the computer had been
set up. A chicken was nesting on top of the monitor and droppings were running
down the side.
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It was too much. He ran, terrified out of his wits, and never looked back. Later the
tech called me from his home, where he was still trying to wash the stench from his
clothes. He hadn't been in our ex-customer's house for even five minutes, and his
clothes were ruined.
I work for Microsoft as a certified Word Professional. One day I received a call from a
woman who had much difficulty explaining herself and even more difficulty
understanding what I was asking of her.
- Tech Support: "Ok, what version of word do you have?"
- Customer: "Virgin!?"
- Tech Support: "No, no...what VERSION do you have?"
- Customer: "Huh?"
- Tech Support: "You know what? I don't care. Let's move on."
Pointless bickering and senseless rambling about her problem.
- Tech Support: "And how often does this happen?"
- Customer: "Well, it doesn't happen all the time, but when it happens, it happens
constantly."
- Tech Support: "Uh huh."
I had to hit the mute button to avoid letting her hear my agitated laughter.
The call lasted forty five minutes. I began to think that she didn't really know what I
was saying, nor had the intelligence to question why I hadn't begun troubleshooting.
Then I had an idea.
- Tech Support: "Well everything seems to be in good standing on your system. Nice
talking with you."
- Customer: "Oh, THANK YOU!! Thank you very much!" (click)
I never really found out what her issue was.
- Tech Support: "Ok sir, we'll do a file search to find it. Can you please click on Start,
then Find, then--"
- Customer: "Don't talk down to me like that! I'm not an idiot -- I know what I'm doing!"
- Tech Support: "Ok sir, please Start, then Find to do a file search."
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- Customer: "How do I do that?"
A former professor of mine was receiving a Javascript error when trying to view a
particular web page. In trying to determine why he was having the trouble I asked
what browser he was using.
- Me: "You may have an older browser. What browser are you using?"
- Him: "Well, I don't have a brand new computer, but it's not obsolete. I have Pentium
233 with 64 of the big ones."
- Me: "You mean 64 megs of RAM?"
- Him: "Yeah, RAM."
- Me: "Ok, but what browser are you using? Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
- Him: "I have Windows 95."
- Me: "Ok, that's the operating system. What do you use to look at a web site?"
- Him: "Oh, I'm using Office 97."
- Me: "Yes, but what browser? When you look at a web site, what program do you
use?"
- Him: "Office 97."
- Me: "Office 97 isn't a browser though. When you double click on the icon to connect
to the Internet, it opens a program that lets you look at web sites on the Internet.
What program opens? Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
- Him: "My computer is not obsolete. I have Pentium 233."
I never did find out what browser he uses.
- Tech Support: "Hold down the F2 key."
- Customer: "Where is that?"
- Tech Support: "On the left side of your keyboard, above the two -- just right of the
Escape key."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "So now we are in the System Setup screen?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "All right. Hit your Ctrl-Alt-Delete keys. Then your F2 key."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Now we are in the System Setup?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Does it say, 'Loading Windows 95'?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Can you describe what is on your screen?"
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- Customer: "It's gray."
- Tech Support: "Just gray? It does not say anything?"
- Customer: "No. Just gray...with blue and white."
- Tech Support: "Are there letters on your screen?"
- Customer: "Yes."
Aargh.
- Tech Support: "Read them to me."
- Customer: "C-o-p-y-r-i--"
- Tech Support: "Do they form words? Do the words form phrases? Do the phrases
form sentences?"
- Customer: "I suppose."
- Customer: "I'll have you know, I've never even seen a computer before yesterday."
Great. Great start to a call. He wanted to install the Internet connection software we
have, so I had him insert the CD. "It ain't workin'!" was all I heard for about two
minutes of trying the drive and checking to see if it was really there.
- Tech Support: "Sir, could you eject your CD for a moment? We need to check if it's
scratched."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Look on the bottom of the CD, and see if there are any scratches on
it."
- Customer: "On the bottom? Shouldn't we check the top?"
- Tech Support: "Is the shiny side of the CD on the top?"
- Customer: "Of course."
- Tech Support: "Ok, could you flip it over so the shiny side is down and then insert it
into the drive?"
- Customer: "Won't it scratch if I put it in like that?"
- Tech Support: "No, it won't scratch."
- Customer: "Well, ok...."
He inserted the CD in the drive correctly, and then his computer froze.
- Customer: "My computer froze! I told you it would scratch the CD!"
- Tech Support: "I'm sure that's not the problem--"
- Customer: "I can't believe you scratched the CD."
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- Tech Support: "Ok, sir, could you hold down 'ctrl' and 'alt', and then-- (clunking
sounds) Hello? Hello, sir?"
There was no one on the line for a moment. Then he spoke up again.
- Customer: "I've been holding 'ctrl' and 'alt' for the past two minutes, and nothing is
happening at all on my whole damn computer, because you made me scratch the
software."
- Customer: "My program doesn't work."
- Tech Support: "Which program are you using?"
- Customer: "The one I use to get my work done."
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, we support many different programs, what's the name of the
program you use?"
- Customer: "I don't know; it's the one that comes up when I start my computer."
- Tech Support: "Can you tell me what you see on the screen after you start your
computer?"
- Customer: "No, I can't get the program to come up so I can't tell you what's on the
screen."
- Tech Support: "Is your computer on?"
- Customer: "Of course it's on! I know how to turn on my computer!"
- Tech Support: "What kind of computer do you have? Is it a PC, a Macintosh, an
Xterminal, or a VT420?"
- Customer: "I don't know. You're the help desk -- you're supposed to know that."
- Tech Support: "Uh. Have you tried rebooting your machine?"
- Customer: (angrily) "I just told you I can't get the program to run. What kind of help
desk is this? I don't think you're very helpful, and I'll have you know that I personally
know one of the programmers, and I'm going to call her since I know she'll be able to
help me!"
This woman calls in, having a problem with her video card. Her initial rundown on the
situation seems like she would know what she was talking about. But no.
- Customer: "So when I go to boot my computer, it just does nothing."
- Tech Support: "It just does nothing? So, when you turn on your computer you just
get a blank screen?"
- Customer: "Oh no, It comes up and counts my memory, detects hard drives, etc."
- Tech Support: "Ok, then what happens?"
- Customer: "It doesn't do nothing."
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- Tech Support: "It doesn't do nothing? I am not sure I understand. Does it lock up at
this point?"
- Customer: "Oh no, after that I get the screen with the clouds that says 'Windows' on
it."
- Tech Support: "Ok, so you turn it on, it starts to boot up, then it goes to the splash
screen with the clouds, and this is where you are having problems? What happens
here?"
- Customer: "It doesn't do nothing."
- Tech Support: "Ok, so can you even get in to Windows? Will the system boot to
your desktop?"
- Customer: "Oh yes."
- Tech Support: "All right, so, you turn on your system, it counts your RAM, detects
your drives, loads the splash screen, boots into Windows, and then what?"
- Customer: "Nothing."
- Tech Support: "So what is the problem?"
- Customer: "The computer doesn't do nothing."
- Tech Support: "Ok, I need you to be a little more specific here because that so far,
this is quite normal."
- Customer: "Oh yeah, all that stuff is normal."
- Tech Support: "So again, what is the problem anyway?"
- Customer: "My desktop is all washed out looking."
I sent a JPEG from my recent vacation to my mother as an email attachment. I then
telephoned her to see if she was able to view it. After attempting to get her to use the
'File/Open' command in Netscape, I realized that my 'Open' dialog was different from
hers, and so I couldn't talk her through it. But I tried to determine which OS she was
running.
- Me: "Do you know what operating system you're running? Is it Windows 95 or
Windows 3.1?"
- My Mother: "I don't know, but it must be Windows 95."
- Me: "Ok, do you see a 'My Computer' icon on your screen?"
- My Mother: "'My Computer'? What's that?"
- Me: "It's a picture of a computer with the words 'My Computer' underneath it."
- My Mother: "I don't have that."
- Me: "It would be on the desktop."
- My Mother: (getting irate) "I don't know what you're talking about."
- Me: "Mom, tell me what you see when you turn your computer on."
- My Mother: "Nothing."
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- Me: "You don't see anything? No words appear on the screen? Nothing? Well, what
do you see on your screen right now?"
- My Mother: "I don't see anything."
- Me: (getting frustrated) "You're staring at a black screen? There's nothing there at
all?"
- My Mother: "I'm not technical. I don't know these things."
- Me: "I just want you to describe what you see."
- My Mother: "I don't see anything. I just get on here and clickity-click."
- Me: "I gotta go, Mom."
We have one customer who is notorious in the tech support department. We all
dread getting a call from her. She is truly stupid when it comes to a computer.
- Tech Support: "Ok, you are in C:\WINDOWS. We need to get to the A: drive. So
type 'A' colon and press enter."
- Customer: "'A'? What's an 'A'?"
- Tech Support: "It's the first letter of the alphabet. 'A' like apple."
- Customer: "Ummm... what's an 'A'? I don't know what it is."
- Tech Support: "Grade school, remember? The letter 'A'?"
- Customer: "Oh, ok. Where is that?"
- Tech Support: "Left side of the keyboard. Next to the 'S'."
- Customer: "Ok...I think I found it. What do I do?"
- Tech Support: "Press it. See what happens."
- Customer: "Ok, I've got an 'A' now."
- Tech Support: "Now press the colon. It's next to the 'L' key."
- Customer: "How do I get it?"
- Tech Support: "Hold down the 'shift' key."
- Customer: "How to you spell that?"
- Tech Support: "S-H-I-F-T. You have two of them. Near the space bar. Hold that
down and press the colon."
- Customer: "I can't find the colon."
- Tech Support: "It's to the right of the 'L'."
- Customer: "How do I get it?"
- Tech Support: "Hold the shift key and press the colon key."
- Customer: "Oh, ok...I think I've got it."
- Tech Support: "Good, now hit 'enter'."
- Customer: "Where's that?"
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This whole conversation of two commands took almost an hour. I have no idea how
this lady ever made enough money to buy a computer. It amazes me how someone
can forget the alphabet. She's nice, but she's amazingly dumb.
A customer wanted to set up his computer to download something from the Internet.
So I spent a nice chunk of time walking him through downloading Netscape and the
Plugin Pack and rebooting.
- Customer: "So are we done yet?"
- Tech Support: "Not yet."
I spent still more time configuring TCP/IP for the LAN for him.
- Customer: "So are we done yet?"
- Tech Support: "Not yet."
I spent still more time with him configuring access through the firewall and setting his
preferences. Netscape started fine at this point.
- Customer: "So are we done yet?"
- Tech Support: "Yes. Try accessing the site now."
- Customer: "How do I do that?"
I spent still more time with him explaining how to enter a URL.
- Customer: "It's not working!"
- Tech Support: "Where are you trying to go?"
He gave me the address. I tried nslookup and whois on it, but they came up empty.
- Tech Support: "I'm sorry, that site doesn't exist. Are you sure you wrote it down
correctly?"
- Customer: "Well! All this was a waste of time! We've accomplished nothing!" (click)
A customer called complaining that his display wasn't working. (It turned out to be
that his monitor was out of sync.)
- Customer: "I installed the video drivers and all I see is a postage stamp in the
center of the screen."
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- Tech Support: "Can you describe what you see?"
- Customer: "I just told you, a postage stamp!"
- Tech Support: "Does it look like your desktop?"
- Customer: "Nope. Aren't you listening?? It looks like a postage stamp."
- Tech Support: "Ok, let's reset the system back to VGA."
- Customer: "What's that?"
- Tech Support: "The default video settings...please hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete."
- Customer: "What is that???"
- Tech Support: "The three keys 'Control' and 'Alt' and 'Delete' pressed at the same
time."
- Customer: "Oh, ok. Oh no! My screen went blank!"
- Tech Support: "That's ok. When you see OS/2 in the upper left hit 'Alt' and 'F1'."
- Customer: "'Alt'? 'F1'? Can you speak English?"
- Tech Support: "Sir, these are keys on your keyboard."
- Customer: "Oh."
- Tech Support: (waits a minute for the system to finish booting) "Do you see the
OS/2 logo yet?"
- Customer: "Nope."
- Tech Support: (waits another minute or two) "Anything yet?"
- Customer: "Nope. Can I release the keys?"
Twenty minutes later I found out he had a monitor that was only capable of VGA, and
then I spent another ten minutes trying to explain why he needed a better monitor to
display higher resolutions.
- Tech Support: "Double click on 'My Computer', then on the 'Dial-up Networking'
folder."
- Customer: "Where is it?"
- Tech Support: "Excuse me?"
- Customer: "Where is 'My Computer'?"
- Tech Support: "In the upper left corner of your screen."
- Customer: "Oh! Hey! That's pretty good!"
Twenty five minutes later....
- Tech Support: "Ok, now go to 'Options' and then 'Mail and News Preferences'."
- Customer: "Got it."
- Tech Support: "Now click on the tab that says 'Servers'."
- Customer: "I don't see it."
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- Tech Support: "What do you see on your screen?"
- Customer: "Oh! There it is. I was looking on the keyboard."
- Tech Support: "Ok, now read to me what's in the SMTP field."
- Customer: "There's nothing there."
- Tech Support: "Now we know why you can't get your mail. Type in
'mailhost.worldnet.att.net'."
- Customer: "M-A-L-E-H-O-S-T..."
- Tech Support: "No sir. It's spelled M-A-I-L-H-O-S-T."
- Customer: "Ok...where's the dot?"
I wanted to cry.
- Husband: "Hi. I'm having a problem connecting to the Internet."
- Tech Support: "Ok sir, what operating system are you using?"
- Husband: "Oh...I'm really not sure...I'm not the computer expert. My wife is. She's
sitting at the computer. I'm going to dictate this to her." (pause) "She says we use
Windows 95."
- Tech Support: "Ok. What exactly is the problem?"
- Husband: "I can't connect."
- Wife: (in the background) "We can't even get on -- the software is buggy!"
- Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you try to connect?"
- Husband: "Ok, the Connect To: screen pops up, and it asks for my password."
- Tech Support: "Did you put your password in?"
- Husband: "Yes, and it keeps asking for it afterwards."
- Tech Support: "Do you have your caps lock key on?"
- Husband: "Yes, but that shouldn't make any difference."
- Tech Support: "Uhm...go ahead and hit the caps lock key until the light goes away."
- Husband: "Are you sure? We've always got on with the caps lock key on."
- Tech Support: "Yes, I'm sure."
- Husband: "Oh, ok. It took my password."
- Wife: (in the background) "I told you!" (They start arguing. She takes the phone from
him.) "HELLO?"
- Tech Support: "Yes, hello, you should be all set from here."
- Wife: "YES HI, I'VE BEEN USING YOUR DAMN SOFTWARE FOR I DON'T EVEN
KNOW HOW LONG, AND I STILL CAN'T GET EMAIL FROM MY SON IN THE
NAVY!"
- Tech Support: "What program do you use for email, ma'am?"
- Wife: "I use Windows 95! We already told you that!"
- Husband: (in the background) "We already told her that, didn't we?"
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- Tech Support: "No, what mail application... such as Eudora, Netscape, Internet
Explorer..."
- Wife: "Microsoft Netscape."
- Tech Support: "Netscape?"
- Wife: "Yes, Microsoft Netscape."
- Tech Support: "Ok, open that up and go to Options, and then Mail and News
Preferences--"
- Wife: "No, I want email! I don't want to surf the net!"
- Tech Support: "Netscape comes with an email program, and we're going to set it up
now."
- Wife: "Ugh. Fine. Whatever. We'll do it YOUR way."
- Tech Support: "Ok." (explains how to set up popmail)
- Wife: "I'm not getting mail."
- Tech Support: "Do you have two phone lines?"
Suddenly I hear the modem attempting to dial in.
- Tech Support: (over the roar of the modem) "MA'AM? YOU ONLY HAVE ONE
PHONE LINE. DON'T TRY TO DIAL IN."
(beep click click)
- Tech Support: "You can't dial up with this line. It's already in use."
- Wife: "I was always able to use it before YOU changed my settings!"
- Tech Support: "No, you will just have to disconn--"
- Wife: "You tech support people always mess up my settings, and then I have to
bring my computer back to [retailer] to get it fixed! You know, you cost me so much
money!"
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, I didn't change any of your Internet settings."
- Wife: "Yes you did, we just went through a NUMBER of things."
- Tech Support: "All we did was--"
- Wife: "I've had ENOUGH of your service. I'm going back to AOL." (click)
I got a call from an older lady who stated that after installing our software, her mouse
would not work. After further questioning, I learned that she got a message when
booting the system that a device was not found. I had her power off the PC,
disconnect, and then reconnect the mouse. After rebooting, the mouse functioned
fine. But instead of thanking me, she asked me sourly, "Why did your software
unplug my mouse?" I attempted to explain to the lady that that was not possible and
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that all it was was a loose connection. It wasn't good enough for her. She put her
husband on, who asked, "Why did your software decide my computer didn't need a
mouse?" Again, trying to explain the loose connection was of little use, and he
wanted another number to call to return the software.
- Tech Support: "So the mouse won't move?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Does the numlock or capslock work?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Ok, you'll need to hit the reset button."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Is the system booting back up yet?"
- Customer: "Ummm..." (pause)
- Tech Support: "Is it rebooting?"
- Customer: "I see a return button. Is that the one you want?"
- Tech Support: "No, the reset button. It's on the front of the computer. You're looking
at the keyboard."
- Customer: "Oh, umm... there's just one button, and it says 'power'."
- Tech Support: "That's the monitor. The computer is that box that all those things
plug into."
- Customer: "Umm... ohh! I see it now -- how silly of me. Ok, I pressed it."
- Tech Support: "Is the system rebooting now?"
- Customer: "No, it's still locked up."
- Tech Support: "You're sure you pressed the button marked 'reset'?"
- Customer: "Yes, it's right here next to the one labelled 'Form Feed'."
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, that's the printer."
- Customer: "Maybe you just need to come here and fix it."
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, do you use any floppy disks?"
- Customer: "Yes, I save all my letters on them."
- Tech Support: "The computer is the thing you stick the disks into."
- Customer: "OHHH!!!! It's under the desk... hang on. Well! Look at that; there's a
reset button. I pressed it, now my computer is acting like I just turned it on."
- Tech Support: "Ok, good."
- Customer: "Wait, what's this button that says 'Turbo'?"
- Tech Support: "That's there so you can slow the system down to run older software
and games."
- Customer: "Is that why my system is so slow?"
- Tech Support: "Is the yellow light on?"
- Customer: "No."
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- Tech Support: "Press that button."
- Customer: "WOW!!!"
- Tech Support: "What?"
- Customer: "My report didn't freeze up this time."
That turned out to be the cause of her system locking up. It wasn't really locking up, it
was just going so slow it seemed that way, and she never waited long enough for it to
finish processing her reports.
- Customer: "When I dial your service, the system asks me some questions and then
it kicks me off."
- Tech Support: "What were the questions that it asked you?"
- Customer: "I don't remember."
- Tech Support: "Well, sir, if you don't remember what they were, I don't know what
the problem is and I can't help you."
- Customer: "So I need to call you and go through this again after seeing the
questions again?"
- Tech Support: "Yes."
- Customer: "Can't I just keep you on while I call?"
- Tech Support: "Is your modem on another line?"
- Customer: "No, same line."
- Tech Support: "Well, sir, you can't do it...it's like someone picking up the phone now
and dialing while we are talking."
- Customer: "Can I at least try?"
He tried. Twice. Ugh.
- Customer: "My Internet doesn't work!"
- Tech Support: "Ok, do you have an icon for Internet on your desktop?"
- Customer: "An icon? Desktop?"
- Tech Support: "Are you using Windows 95?"
- Customer: "Don't know. You said Windows??? By the way, how do you type a
capital 'e' instead of a lower case 'e'?"
- Tech Support: (crying) "Hold 'shift' while pressing 'e'."
- Customer: "What is 'shift'??"
- Customer: "My modem is not working."
- Tech Support: "Ok. Let's start simply. Do you have a phone line running from the
back of the computer to the wall?"
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- Customer: "I have no dial tone when I pick up the phone."
- Tech Support: "Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer to
the wall?"
- Customer: "I bought this new computer, it's got (reads from store receipt) and 32
megs of RAM. But it won't work."
- Tech Support: "Ok. Tell me how you have it set up right now."
- Customer: "Well, I have it setting next to the phone, and the phone line is hooked
into it."
- Tech Support: "Is anything running into the wall?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "So you have the computer sitting next to the phone, the phone line
running into the computer, and that's it?"
- Customer: "Yes. Am I supposed to plug the computer in?"
- Tech Support: "Yes, it needs to be plugged in so the modem can dial."
- Customer: "What's a modem?"
My boss sent an update of our current program via modem to all of our online
customers, with instructions to call in and be walked through the upgrade if they
needed it. He had to leave the office for a few hours, so he gave me instructions on
how to start the upgrade once they had downloaded it.
I got a call while he was away. Details you should know: the lady who called me for
instructions was not the person who was operating the computer. That person was
on the other side of the room, and everything had to be relayed through the lady on
the phone. For reasons of brevity, I won't bother typing out every sentence being
repeated several times back and forth.
- Customer: "We got your program, along with a note that we were supposed to
call...?"
- Tech Support: "Ok, I can help you with that. Type [the command] and press
Return."
- Customer: "It says that file doesn't exist."
- Tech Support: "Huh? Ok...are you in the [directory] directory?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Hmmm. Let's try this again, just to be sure."
I spelled out the command exactly and got her to read it back to me before she hit
Return. But she got the same error.
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- Tech Support: "All right, let's make sure the program is installed in the right
directory. Could you take a look in the directory tree and let me know what you find
in--"
- Customer: "Tree? TREE?? There's no trees anywhere near my computer!
Whaddaya mean a tree might have caused the problem???"
Needless to say, that took a while to straighten out. Anyway, it turned out the
upgrade wasn't in the directory at all.
- Tech Support: "Did you receive the program OK? No error messages or anything
popped up during the transmission?"
- Customer: "Oh no, everything went fine. I've got it right here in my hand."
Sigh. Someone had transferred the download to disk in order to install it on a second
computer, handed it to her, and told her to call us. Apparently it never occurred to her
to get the program on the computer somehow before calling.
- Tech Support: "What do you have connected to the back of your computer?"
- Customer: "I have a printer, a modem and the System 7 module."
- Tech Support: "Excuse me, but could you repeat the last item?"
- Customer: "The System 7 module."
- Tech Support: "The System 7 what?"
- Customer: "It's the module to upgrade the system to 7.5."
- Tech Support: "...and it plugs into the back of your computer?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Does this 'module' plug into anything else?"
- Customer: "It plugs into the wall outlet."
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, that's the power cord."
- Customer: "No, I can see the power cord, and this module is plugged in right next to
it."
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, there is no such thing as a System 7 module."
- Customer: "Oh my goodness, I'm sorry, I forgot. It's the power supply to the
HyperCard."
- Tech Support: "Ma'am, HyperCard does not have a separate power supply. Would
you mind following the cord from the outlet until you find what it plugs into?"
- Customer: "Ok."
Ten minutes later...
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- Customer: "It hooks into the printer."
This call took more than 45 minutes, in case you wanted to know why there are hold
times on support numbers.
- Customer: "I haven't had sound for about a month."
- Tech Support: "What kind of speakers do you have?"
- Customer: "They are stereo."
- Tech Support: "Ok, do they plug into the wall?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "So they are the little boxes that don't attach to the monitor?"
- Customer: [angrily] "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Ok, let's see if maybe the speakers are the problem. Do you have a
music CD?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Would you go get it?"
- Customer: "Sure." [clunk clunk clunk] "Do you want one that came with the
computer?"
- Tech Support: "No, I need a music CD."
- Customer: "I think 'The Animals' has music."
- Tech Support: "Ok, maybe I am being unclear, I need a regular CD not a cdrom -one you buy at a music store."
- Customer: "I have a Garth Brooks CD, but I bought it at a swap meet."
- Tech Support: "That's great; that CD will work."
- Customer: "I go to swap meets all the time to get great deals on stuff. We don't ever
go to the music stores."
We get the CD playing with AudioStation, but there's no sound.
- Tech Support: "Ok, let's check the volume."
- Customer: "I already checked the damn volume when it stopped making sound a
month ago!"
- Tech Support: "I understand. Let's just double check it real quick."
The volume level turns out ok, and the sound's not muted.
- Customer: "I'll just turn it all the way up.... Nope, can't hear a damn thing."
- Tech Support: "It looks like you are ok there, now let's check those speakers."
- Customer: "Ok, but you might as well replace the whole damn thing right now."
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- Tech Support: "I'll be happy to replace anything that needs replacing. I just want to
make sure we get everything working for you."
- Customer: "All right."
- Tech Support: "Now those speakers...they are all hooked up? The left connects to
the right and then the right connects to the computer?"
- Customer: [obviously without checking] "Yup."
- Tech Support: "Ok. And they are turned off right?"
- Customer: "...Listen to me you little..."
I endure a three minute profanity/threat combo.
- Customer: "...Of course they are turned on! Now you--"
- Tech Support: "Whoa, slow down a sec...I want you to turn them to the off position,
please."
Country music blares. The rest of the conversation takes place shouting over it.
- Customer: "Heck son, I don't believe it! What was the problem?"
- Tech Support: "The batteries must be dead."
Computer Stupidities 2 !!!
- Tech Support: "Welch Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
- Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
- Tech Support: "What sort of trouble?"
- Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
- Tech Support: "Went away?"
- Customer: "They disappeared."
- Tech Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
- Customer: "Nothing."
- Tech Support: "Nothing?"
- Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
- Tech Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
- Customer: "How do I tell?"
- Tech Support: "Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?"
- Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
- Tech Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
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- Customer: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
- Tech Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
- Customer: "What's a monitor?"
- Tech Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
- Customer: "I don't know."
- Tech Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
(Rustling and jostling heard in the background.)
- Customer: [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
- Tech Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."
- Customer: "Yes, it is."
- Tech Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
(Rustle, rustle.)
- Customer: [muffled] "Ok, here it is."
- Tech Support: "Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
- Customer: [still muffled] "I can't reach."
- Tech Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
- Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark
in here."
- Tech Support: "Dark?"
- Customer: "Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."
- Tech Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."
- Customer: "I can't."
- Tech Support: "No? Why not?"
- Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
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- Tech Support: "A p-!" [AARGH!]
I used to work as a salesman for a computer wholesaler a number of years ago. I got
a call from a woman who was fit to be tied. She found out that the person who sold
her the computer bought it from our company and called us to complain.
- Customer: "I need help with this computer!"
- Tech Support: "Well what do you need to know?"
- Customer: (screaming) "Well I bought this damn computer from this guy who says
he bought it from you and he came to my house and hooked it up. Now while he's
explaining to my daughter how to use it, she's telling him 'yeah, yeah,' she knows
what he's talking about. I'm in the kitchen cooking peppers and onions while my
daughter is going 'yeah, yeah,' then this guy leaves, and I ask my daughter if she
knows how to use the computer, and she says she was too embarrassed to tell him
she didn't understand and just told him 'yeah, yeah.' Now I paid over $1000 for this
thing and I don't even know how to use it!"
- Tech Support: "Uh, well is there anything in particular you want to know how to do?"
I never anticipated her answer.
- Customer: "I wanna make a tennis game."
- Tech Support: "A what!?"
- Customer: "A tennis game with the paddles."
- Tech Support: "What, you mean like pong?"
- Customer: "No, tennis!"
- Tech Support: "You mean with graphics?"
- Customer: "I wanna make a tennis game with the, you know, rackets and the ball."
- Tech Support: (in shock, I start blurting nonsense) "Well, do you know Windows?"
- Customer: "I don't know anything about computers, I was frying sausages in the
kitchen..."
She tells me the whole story again.
- Tech Support: "Well, you would need to lean how to program in a computer
language like C++ and that takes many years of experience. I'd suggest you first start
slowly and learn DOS and Windows."
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After that, I spent twenty minutes talking her down from a seething boil to a cool
simmer and finally got her off the phone. I imagine this woman aggravated the poor
slob who sold her the computer until he caved in and gave her our number. Nice guy.
- Customer: "Look, look!!! Look what it's doing!!! Can you BELIEVE this??? Why is it
doing that???"
- Tech Support: "Sir, I can't see your computer, what is it doing?"
- Customer: "WHAT??? Can't you figure it out?`?? LOOK AT MY COMPUTER
SCREEN!!! You can see it, can't you?!"
This was my slowest caller ever:
- Tech Support: "Thank you for calling; how may I help you?"
- Customer: "Ummm...it doesn't work."
Direct and to the point, but just a touch vague. So I prodded him for more information
about his problem.
- Tech Support: "What does not work?"
- Customer: "Ummm... the program doesn't work."
- Tech Support: "Could you please be more specific? Was there an error message?"
- Customer: "Yes."
I waited a moment, thinking that he would continue on his own. But he didn't.
- Tech Support: "And the message was?"
- Customer: "Something about a GPF."
- Tech Support: "Are you in front of the computer now?"
- Customer: "No."
- Tech Support: "Can you get in front of the computer?"
- Customer: "I guess; let me get out of bed."
Shuffling. Stepping down stairs.
- Tech Support: "Are you still there?"
- Customer: "Yeah, I have to go downstairs and turn on the computer."
This guy has a 386-25 with 2 megs of RAM loading Windows. It takes about five
minutes to boot up his machine.
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- Tech Support: "Ok, are you in Windows?"
- Customer: "Uhhhh... almost..."
Pause.
- Tech Support: "Ok, are you in Windows?"
- Customer: "Uhhhh... almost..."
Pause.
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Ok, you are in Windows, can you get into the program for me
please?"
- Customer: "How do I do that?"
- Tech Support: "Just the way you normally do."
- Customer: "I don't remember. It's late, and I'm tired. Step me through it."
- Tech Support: "Double click on the icon for the program please."
- Customer: "Where is that?"
I slowly drop my head to the desk. Finally, I get him to start our application and wait
three minutes for the software to load. I'm now fifteen minutes into this call, and I
normally average three and a half.
- Tech Support: "Ok, can you duplicate the problem for me?"
- Customer: "Uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm.........no."
- Tech Support: "Why not?"
- Customer: "I don't remember where it happened."
- Tech Support: "I'm afraid I really won't able to help unless I know the error message
and where it occurred. You will need to recreate the message and call us back with
that information."
- Customer: "But I waited so long to talk to you, you people really need to be faster if
you expect people to use your service. It takes too long to talk to you. You will lose
customers unless you speed it up."
- Tech Support: "Thanks for calling, bye-bye."
- Customer: "It was working last night, but it's not working any longer. And I haven't
changed anything."
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- Tech Support: "You sure you haven't changed anything? Nobody's gone near the
machine?"
- Customer: "Yeah, yeah, nobody touched it."
- Tech Support: "What's not working?"
- Customer: "I can't get into my POP account."
Alarm bells go off in my head. The user doesn't have a POP account.
- Tech Support: "Oh. All right. Do you have the letter we sent you with your POP
account details?"
- Customer: "Yeah, uh, it's... around here somewhere." [scrabbling sounds]
- Tech Support: "Ok, let's forget the POP account for a moment. Can you tell me
exactly what happened?"
- Customer: "Well, I moved everything onto my new machine this morning, and it's
not working."
- Tech Support: "I thought you said that you didn't change anything???"
- Customer: "But I didn't!"
- Tech Support: "Ok, type 'cd windows.'"
- Customer: "Right."
- Tech Support: "What does it say?"
- Customer: "It says 'see colon slash greater-than see dee windows.'"
- Tech Support: [sigh] "Press return."
- Customer: "Ok, it says 'see colon slash windows slash greater-than.'"
- Tech Support: "Right, do a dir."
- Customer: "Uh... how?"
- Tech Support: "Type 'dir'."
- Customer: "It says 'see colon slash windows slash greater-than dir.'"
- Tech Support: [adding teethmarks to the phone] "Press return!"
- Customer: "Ok, it says lots of different things, and then, 'see colon slash windows
slash greater-than.' Oh, and there's always a flashy line after the greater-than; did I
mention that?"
A user calls from Chicago. (We are in central Illinois.) She wants to register for
classes via our online registration system. In the course of the discussion I discover
that:
1. She is definitely "Not A Computer Person" (tm).
2. She is at her friend's house, but her friend is not there.
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3. Her friend has a computer, but she doesn't know what kind.
4. She has never turned it on.
5. She thinks it has a modem, but she is not sure.
6. She has never logged on to any of her university accounts.
7. She has never used any terminal software and doesn't know what type her friend
has.
She was deeply upset that "no one will help her." Sadly, I was also unable to do so. I
mean, what do you do?
I once received a call from a woman with a heavy, throaty, not-real-educated-orbright voice from New York. She asked if the...
- Customer: "...new tape, ya know, the plasticky thingie I got in the mail...does that
work even if I don't put it in my compoota?"
- Tech Support: "No, ma'am, the software does not work unless it is installed on to
your hard drive."
- Customer: "But this isn't soft...this is a small hard plastic square..."
- Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am, that's called software, and you need to insert it into the
disk drive to use it."
- Customer: "Look, lady, I'm not stupid -- this isn't soft -- and I don't appreciate you
making fun of me." [click]
- Tech Support: "Now, do you see the words '[etc etc etc]'."
- Customer: "Um, no."
- Tech Support: "Scroll down, there should be the words '[etc etc etc]' enclosed in
brackets."
- Customer: "They're not here."
- Tech Support: [loading up the same file in EDIT on my machine] "Ok, starting from
the top, you'll see '[this]', '[that]', and '[the other]'. The next section will have '[etc etc
etc]' in brackets."
- Customer: "Oh, you mean '[etc etc etc]'!"
- Tech Support: "Yes. Now, under that is a blank line."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Now, move the cursor to that blank line."
- Customer: "I don't understand what you mean."
I spent about ten minutes trying to navigate him to the beginning of the blank line so
that he can type in a single line of text. He seemed to completely lack
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comprehension. The man understood English, but there was something he seemed
to be failing to grasp.
- Tech Support: [getting frustrated and barely keeping calm] "Now, right below the
words '[etc etc etc]' is a blank line."
- Customer: "Oh! You mean the line that doesn't have anything on it!"
- Tech Support: "YES!"
- Tech Support: "Sir, open up your System Folder and find the Launcher Items
folder."
- Customer: "I don't have a Systems Folder."
My patience with such customers was wearing thin. After a short pause:
- Tech Support: "It's in your hard disk, sir. You must have one, or else your computer
wouldn't start properly."
- Customer: "Hard disk, hard disk... hmmm -- is that little rectangle in the top right?"
- Tech Support: "Yes."
- Customer: "Ok, but mine doesn't say 'Hard Disk.' It's just labelled with a period. How
did that happen?"
- Tech Support: "Well, you can name it anything you want, perhaps yours was named
accidentally."
- Customer: "Oh. What now?"
- Tech Support: "Open your System Folder."
- Customer: "I don't have a systems folder. Oh, oh, here it is! Ok, ok, I'm opening the
Systems Envelope now."
And after an excruciating 30 minutes of how to make an alias and reminding him that
he truly did have a System Folder (or, as he called it, an "Envelope") and where it
was, we got his new software on the Launcher.
Ten minutes later he called me back and told me how he had written down my
directions to the "Systems Envelope" so he could put more programs on his
Launcher. One of the programs didn't work, however, and after another 45 minutes of
sheer hell, I told him we needed to send him some new floppies.
- Customer: "Hey, can you send me a dozen apples too? My wife would like to make
a pie. Ha ha! Apples. Get it? Macintoshes? Ha ha. Don't you get it?"
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If I had a button on my phone to administer electro-shock to this man, I would have!!!
- Tech Support: "Yes sir, I do."
- Customer: "I get garbage when I log onto IndyNet."
- Tech Support: "Ok, what software are you using?"
- Customer: "Internet."
- Tech Support: "Yes, I know you're connecting to the Internet, but what software do
you use to make the connection?"
- Customer: "Oh! Windows."
- Tech Support: "Yes, but what software inside of Windows do you use?"
- Customer: "Oh! Ok, yes, I have an Acer 486-66D...."
- Tech Support: "No! The software! Do you know what software is?"
- Customer: "Uh, kind of."
- Tech Support: "Ok. Software is the program that you run in order to make the
computer do anything, ok?"
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "So what program do you run to call us?"
- Customer: "ATDTxxxxxxx."
This woman was good friends with my supervisor. She's now also my wife.
- Tech Support: "Ok, now type 'C D space backslash'."
- Customer: "Um, can you repeat that?"
- Tech Support: "Yes, 'C D space backslash'."
- Customer: "'C P'?"
- Tech Support: "No, 'C D'."
- Customer: "Ok, 'C D slash backspace'."
- Tech Support: "No, 'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."
- Customer: "'C D slash space backspace'."
- Tech Support: "No, 'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."
- Customer: "'C D slash backspace'."
- Tech Support: "'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."
- Customer: "'C D space backslash'."
In my previous job, we often had to contact clients in Pacific Island nations where
office technology seems to be even more feared than usual. A relaxed attitude to
time adds to the battle. One day I had to send a fax to a number in the Cook Islands.
I called.
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- Me: "Hi, I'm trying to send a fax."
- Person #1: "Hello."
- Me: "Hello. Is this your fax number? I'm trying to send a fax to you."
- Person #1: "Hello."
It became apparent that "Hello" comprises the majority of this person's English.
- Me: "Is Mr. [name] there? Could you get him, please?"
- Person #1: "Mr. [name]. OK."
He wandered off. Shouting and a leisurely background conversation followed. Five
minutes later a different person came to the phone.
- Person #2: "Hello."
- Me: (resisting the urge to scream) "Hello, I'm calling from overseas, and I'm trying to
send a fax. Could you please press your fax button?"
- Person #2: "I thought you wanted Mr. [name]. He's not here."
- Me: "Well, no, it doesn't matter who I talk to. Can you just press the fax button so I
can get this fax through to you?"
- Person #2: "I don't know how all this works. I can leave a message for Mr. [name] if
you like."
- Me: "No, you just need to press that big button on the fax machine. Can you do that
now, please?"
- Person #2: "Wait, [another name] is here. She might know." (wanders off for
another ten minutes; much background conversation) "She says the fax machine is
turned off."
- Me: "Well, can you turn it on please? Or should I try again later?"
- Person #2: "I think we haven't got enough power for the fax machine right now. I'll
have to start up the generator."
- Me: "No, no, I'll try again tomorrow. You don't need to--"
- Person #2: "It's around the back of the building. I'll be right back." (wanders off)
I was just about to hang up when someone picked up the phone.
- Person #1: "Hello. Hello. Hello."
I hung up.
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- Tech Support: "Now we need to check the communications driver. In Program
Manager, click on File and select Run."
- Customer: "I don't have anything that says 'Run.'"
- Tech Support: "What do you have at the very top of the Window?"
- Customer: "Program Manager."
- Tech Support: "Good. And what is right beneath that?"
- Customer: "Main, Accessories, Applications--"
- Tech Support: "No, no. What do you see between the bar where it says 'Program
Manager' and those boxes?"
- Customer: "Nothing."
- Tech Support: "Ok, do you see that white bar underneath the Program Manager
bar?"
- Customer: "Yes."
- Tech Support: "Good. What's on the far left of that bar?"
- Customer: "It says 'File.'"
- Tech Support: "All right, click on File and select Run."
- Customer: "It's asking me if I want to exit Windows. Do I click on OK?"
- Tech Support: "Click on Cancel. Now, click of File and then click on Run."
- Customer: "It brought up a box with 'Program Item' and 'Program Group' in it. Which
one do you want?"
- Tech Support: "Click on Cancel. Click on File and hit 'R' on the keyboard."
- Customer: "There's no 'R' in the list."
- Tech Support: "On the keyboard there should be an 'R' key."
- Customer: "Oh, yes."
- Tech Support: "Press it."
- Customer: "Now it's asking for a 'Command Line.'"
- Tech Support: "Good. Type 'sysedit', s-y-s-e-d-i-t, and hit Enter."
- Customer: "I don't see Enter. Do you want me to click on 'OK'?"
- Tech Support: "That' ll work."
- Customer: "It says it couldn't find the file."
- Tech Support: "Let's try it again: S...Y...S...E...D...I...T."
- Customer: "S...Y...F...E...C...I...V."
- Tech Support: "No, no. Sysedit. As in system editor."
- Customer: "S...Y...S...T...E...M..."
- Tech Support: "No. Just sysedit. S...Y...S...E...D...I...T."
- Customer: "Ok, that brought up a window with four windows inside it."
- Tech Support: "Good. Bring up the system.ini window."
- Customer: "How do I do that?"
- Tech Support: "Close the first window, the autoexec.bat."
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- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Now close the config.sys window."
- Customer: "I can't. I guess I closed the wrong window. The only window I have now
is Program Manager."
Fast forward about five minutes to when Sysedit is finally up and the system.ini is
being displayed. However, the user is unable to find the comm.drv line in 14 attempts
of going down the list line by line for the first 12 lines. The other techs have been
listening to this and are almost on the floor laughing.
- Tech Support: "Ok, click on Search and select Find."
- Customer: "I don't see Search."
Yep, you guessed it. Repeat the whole File->Run routine right down to being unable
to type in "comm" in the search-for line. Almost 10 minutes more to find the line -seventh line down.
- Tech Support: "What does the line read?"
- Customer: "'comm.drv=rhodsi.drv'"
Bingo! Home stretch now. Have the user comment out that line and put in Windows'
driver back.
- Tech Support: "Now exit out of Windows and restart."
- Customer: "Windows won't start. It says something about a device driver."
I'm grateful now for using SysEdit. Restore the backup SysEdit automatically makes.
Try changing the line using DOS Edit three times. Each time is the same -- device
driver error.
- Tech Support: "Type 'copy system.syd system.ini' and hit Enter."
- Customer: "Ok."
- Tech Support: "Type 'win' and hit Enter."
- Customer: "It's starting."
- Tech Support: "You should be set then."
The Unix Guru's View of Sex
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#!/bin/ssh
#The Unix Guru's View of Sex
unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ;
umount ; sleep
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time
choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size
curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, "fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are
they for?"
The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows!"
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
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Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Being good in business:
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.
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Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next, Jack approaches Bill Gates.
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."
This is how business is done…!!! ;-)
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs
away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but only finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While
tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets
up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
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"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of
time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he
wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him
satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong,
honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any
Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
Bush begins his speech to open the Olympic Games. He looks at his paper and says:
- Oooooo! Oooooo! Oooooo! Oooooo! Oooooo!
An aide comes over and whispers:
- Mr. President, these are the Olympic rings. Your speech is below...
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband
burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too
many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your fucking
mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the
salt. USE THE FUCKING SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how
to fry a couple of fucking eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving
with you in the fucking car."
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The European Union has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the
official language of the European Union rather than German which was the other
possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phasein plan that will become known as ‘'Euro-English''.
In the first year, ‘s' will replace the soft ‘c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants
jump for joy. The hard ‘c' will be dropped in favour of the ‘k'. This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome
‘ph' will be replaced with the ‘f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the
stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage
the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent ‘e' in the languag is disgrasful and it
should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th' with ‘z' and ‘w' with
‘v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o' kan be dropd from vords containing ‘ou' and after
ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and
evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum
tru.
President Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks President Bush if he would like to lead the discussion on the word
"tragedy." So the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best riend, who lives on a farm, is playing
in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him that would be a 'tragedy'."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an accident".
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff,
killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Bush. "That's what we would call a 'great loss'."
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The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches the room. "Isn't
there someone here who can give me an example of a 'tragedy'?"
Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says:
"If your plane, carrying you, President Bush, were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile
and blown to smithereens that would be a 'tragedy'."
"Fantastic !" exclaims Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a
'tragedy'?"
"Well," says the boy "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss' and it probably
wouldn't be an 'accident' either."
Left Brain, Right Brain
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa,
half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America,
well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India,
very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France,
gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
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Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,
with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia,
lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia,
very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages... only those with
an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a
bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later,
Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and
tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in
Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
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Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen
our tent."
Smart kids - (very funny)!!!!
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she
should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
* Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
* Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same
kids.
* Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
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( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
* Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich. (she will go far)
* Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
* Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and
have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex
with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
* Theodore, age 8
( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up
after them.
* Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
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* Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
* Ricky, age 10
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS:
1 Too Many Questions.
2 Difficult to Understand.
3 More Explanation is Needed.
4 Result is always FAIL!
Liar:
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of
AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom!"
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is
when both are pregnant.
There were three country churches in a small town: a Lutheran church, a Methodist
church and an Orthodox church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Methodist church called a meeting to decide what to do about the
squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels
were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
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The Lutheran group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm
any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a
few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Orthodox who were able to come up with the best and most effective
solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Last words
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he
motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with
me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When
my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we
lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still
by my side.
You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck!
Daddy? How did I come into this world?
Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way...
So why not today? Please!!!
O.K., but listen carefully!
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Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe,
dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory
stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall.
Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus...
TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH!!
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I'm sorry = you'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Do what you want = you'll pay for this later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You're so... Manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
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It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about???
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to
like
TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
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You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next
ten minutes
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and
maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims
verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM
the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person
in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and said, "Who the hell is
Camilla Parker Bowles?"
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you.
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you,
The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you.
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you.
This morning I stopped reading.
You gotta love this guy! This is a true story about a recent Greek wedding that took
place in Astoria, NY.
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
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It was a large wedding with about 600 guests... At the reception after the wedding,
the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from Greece, to support
them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to
thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift
just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an
envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their
envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his new bride
having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private
detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for
a couple of minutes, he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here.
You people could stay here and celebrate with that POUTANA."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would
have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy
goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $92,000 for a 600 guest wedding
and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front
of 600 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
An Indian discovered that nobody can't create a FOLDER anywhere named as "con".
This is something pretty cool...and unbelievable...
At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this
happened!
Try it out yourself...
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Phone rings. GREEK MOTHER (Greek accent) picks up the phone and answers:
Greek Mother: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Greek Mother: You're going out?
Daughter: Yes.
Greek Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Greek Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good
man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Greek Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies
and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Greek Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your
father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Greek Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over
tonight.
Greek Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your
husband say if he finds out?
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Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the
day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Greek Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Greek Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is
a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Greek Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Greek Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH !!!
Greek Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Greek Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye mother.
Greek Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Greek Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of
boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers:
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"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are
like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of
'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three
phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties
and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
I found this real life story very interesting to read. It also broadens your perception of
things. An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science
has with God, the Almighty. He asks one of his new students to stand and.....
Professor: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Professor: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Professor: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him.
Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God
good then? Hm?
Student: (Silent.)
Professor: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fellow. Is God good?
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Student: Yes.
Professor: Is Satan good?
Student: No
Professor: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God..
Professor: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Professor: So who created evil?
Student: (Silent.)
Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things
exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Professor: So, who created them?
Student: (Silent.)
Professor: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and serve the world
around you. Tell me, son... Have you ever seen God?
Student: No, sir.
Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
Student: No, sir.
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Professor: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelled your God?
Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.
Professor: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your
GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem science has.
Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Professor: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Professor: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't.
(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, Superheat, mega heat, white
heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have any thing called cold. We can hit 458
degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is
no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat.
We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just
the absence of it.
(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre)
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Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can
have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light.... But, if you have no light
constantly, you have nothing and it is called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness
isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Professor: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and
then there is death, a good God and a bad. God. You are viewing the concept of God
as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a
thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully
understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the
fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life:
just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they
evolved from a monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I
do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
Professor: (The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where
the argument is going.)
Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and
cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching
your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?
(The class is in uproar)
Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?
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(The class breaks out into laughter)
Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it,
touched or smelled it?.....No one appears to have done so. So, according to the
established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you
have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student)
Professor: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student: That is it, sir.. The link between man & God is FAITH. That is all that keeps
things moving & alive.
That young man was ALBERT EINSTEIN...
LIFE EXPLAINED BY A GREEK
A boat docked in a tiny Greek village. An American tourist complimented the Greek
fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Greek.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. The
Greek explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of
his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the
evenings I go into the village to see my friends, dance a little, play the bouzouki, and
sing a few songs. I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you.
You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you
catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger
boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have
an entire fleet of trawlers.
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Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the
processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to Athens, Los Angeles or even New
York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Greek.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American,
laughing.
When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play
with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your
evenings singing, dancing and playing the bouzouki with your friends
BUT ISIN 'T THAT WHAT I'M DOING NOW???
From CNN (Wednesday, 12:58 GMT):
It has been reported that, in order to deal with the threat of bird flu,
President Bush has decided to bomb the Canary Islands.
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your
IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot makes conversation about global warming
factors,
quantum
mechanics,
spirituality,
biomimicry,
environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities…
Very impressed, the customer thinks, "This is really cool," and decides to test the
robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your
IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, NASCAR, baseball,
supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man decides to give the robot one more test.
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He heads out the door and returns. The robot serves him and asks, "What's your
IQ?"
The man replies, "Er . . . 50 . . . I think."
And the robot says... real slowly ..............
"So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"
In New York City a new shop has just opened where woman can choose and buy a
husband. At the entrance the following sign ha been posted:
- You can visit the shop ONLY ONCE
- There are 6 floors and the men characteristics get better and better as you go up.
- You can choose a husband at the floor you are at or go the next one.
- You cannot go back to the previous floor.
One woman decides to visit the Husband shop in order to find a companion.
At the 1st floor the sign says: "These men have a job".
The woman decides to go to the next one.
At the 2nd floor the sign says: "These men have a job and love children".
The woman decides to go to the next one
At the 3rdfloor the sign says: "These men have a job, love children and are extremely
beautiful".
"Wow" the woman thought, but she feels to go up again.
At the 4th floor the sign says: "These men have a job, love children, are extremely
beautiful and help with housecleaning".
"Incredible!" the woman says. "I can barely resist", but she goes one floor up.
At the 5th floor she finds a sign that says: "These men have a job, love children, are
extremely beautiful, help with housecleaning and are terrifying lovers full of
romance".
The woman now is really tempted to stay and choose one husband, but at the end
decides to go up one last one floor.
At the 6th floor a sign says: "You are visitor number 31.652.069 of this floor. There
are no men here; this floor exists only to prove that it is impossible to please women.
Thanks for having chosen our shop".
In front of the Husband Store across the street, a Wife Shop has also opened.
At the First floor the sign says: "These women love to have sex".
The Second floor sign says: "These women love to have sex and are very rich".
The remaining three floors HAVE NEVER BEEN VISITED BY ANY MAN.
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Subject: Two pilots
An airplane takes off from the airport.
The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't
get along.
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replies:
"Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"
"Your people bombed Pearl Harbor . That's why I don't like Chinese."
"Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike."
"Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says:
"No like Jew."
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah. All da same."
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The
PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
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He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter
touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object
that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and
feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
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…
…
…
…
…
…
…
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking, you pervert???
Live Well
The Pepsi Theory ...
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court.
But the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought
the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children.
The judge asked for his side of the story too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the
Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
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Don't laugh, coz the man won!
Myths and Truths
Reply to:
Date: 2006-04-18, 11:09PM
Some rants and accumulated experience about women. Men in happy marriages or
stable relationships don't need to read this; neither do men who get laid every week
(or even every month). The "truth" I'm putting out here is for all of those men who,
like me, worship women and can't figure out why they keep getting screwed over and
dumped. The myths are things that I used to believe before I wised up.
MYTH: Women want love and affection. Women want to be treated well. If you treat a
woman well, she'll treat you well.
TRUTH: Young women want whatever other young women want. They're herd
creatures. If you lavish a woman with love and affection she'll think you're doing it
because nobody else wants you (which may be true) and she'll dump you. In fact, if
you do anything that betrays that you're a loser that other women won't touch, she'll
dump you. Why? Because she wants to impress her friends with what a great catch
she's made, and if she thinks that they wouldn't want you, then she doesn't want you
either.
There are only three exceptions to this rule. The first exception is psychos, otherwise
known as "witches, bitches, and crazy ladies." They'll stay with you because nobody
else wants them, or because you're the only one who put up with their abuse. The
second exception is women who like to "fix men up": those women who like to take
"broken" men and turn them into the man they want. These women are single
because a mature man will recognize that these women don't want him... they want
to turn him into someone else. The third exception is that once in a long time you
meet a woman who isn't psycho, still wants to stay with you when she finds out that
you're not super stud, and doesn't want to change you into someone else. This is the
one you marry.
BITTER MYTH: Women are out for money.
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TRUTH: Women are out for status and fun or for security, depending upon their age.
A few women are out for cold cash, but not too many. Status-seeking women aren't
ready to settle down. They just wanna have fun, and they want their girlfriends to
know it. They're looking for a guy they can dangle in front of their friends and say,
"Look what I got!" You don't have to have money to be that guy, you just have to
come across as desirable. Of course if you have money you don't need to do
anything else, but having no money isn't the end of the world. The women who are
out for security have had their wild fling and want to settle down. They want a guy
who can provide a stable base for the future (and that includes finances).
All in all it's sort of like what guys do (and women whine about endlessly): when
you're young you want some bright, bubbly thing with huge tits, a nice ass, and a
trimmed bush who screams like a banshee in bed, although you'll settle for much
less; when you're ready to get married you want a nice girl who isn't going to break
your balls. They're usually different people unless you're very, very lucky. Young
women want bad boys who will show them a good time. When they're ready to get
married they want some guy who is going to be able to pay to keep them
comfortable.
MYTH: Women are out for looks.
TRUTH: See above. Women are out for looks, after a fashion. A guy in good physical
shape who wears decent-looking clothes is attractive because he looks after himself
and probably isn't a wimp or a whiner. She can convince her friends that he's a
"catch." A guy who looks and smells like a laundry bin, or who can't climb a few
flights of stairs without a rest had better have some spectacular attribute to show off
to her friends (like being a genius) or he's not worth her time. Any guy can
compensate for lack of looks or lack of money with showmanship. He doesn't have to
be a catch, just seem like one. All he has to do is make her friends think, "Damn, I
wish I were going out with him instead of the loser I'm with."
MYTH: I should find one woman I like who likes me, and stick with her through thick
and thin.
TRUTH: This is the biggest mistake I ever made. I used to be loyal to whomever I
was with, even when someone better came along. All that happened was that I
missed out on some great opportunities while I hung on with losers that ended up
dumping me anyway. Do this if the two of you are getting married; once you've tied
the knot it's a whole other can of worms. However, if you're just dating, do exactly the
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opposite. In very subtle ways you have to let her know that although you like her,
there are lots of other women out there and you still notice them. Glance at tits and
legs. Smile at and chat with pretty ladies, even while she's with you (you're just being
friendly, of course). This is the most important thing I've learned about dating in a
decade. I even thought of dating WASP bitches again, so long as I could keep this in
mind. Never, never let her know that she's the only game in town. As soon as she
believes that she's your "everything," she'll start whining and bitchi ng and making
demands.
Think of it like buying a car. If you let the salesman know that this is your dream car,
that you've stayed awake nights thinking about buying exactly this car, do you think
the price will go down? Of course not! He'll jack the price up as high as he thinks he
can go and still have you buy it. If you tell your girl that you've dreamed all of your life
of going out with someone like her, do you think she'll smile and kiss you and things
will go on as before? Of course not! She'll realize that you'll put up with more of her
bad habits, and that she can put up with fewer of yours, and the bitching will start.
She'll try to make the relationship as comfortable for her as possible and still keep it
going. Remember the car salesman? Remember the attitude that "this is a nice car,
but there are hundreds of other great ones, including that one across the street",
even as your heart is thumping and you're practically drooling? If you're just dating,
this is the attitude to take.
MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means being able to tell someone my
problems.
TRUTH: Nobody gives a shit about your problems. Nobody ever will. I know that
sounds harsh, but it's the reality of being a man. Want to tell people about your
problems? Get a sex change. Or join a men's group; the flip side is that you have to
listen to their problems, but it helps. I know of only two kinds of women who want to
hear about your problems: ones with far more problems than you have, and ones
who fancy themselves amateur psychiatrists and like "fixing" men. Neither is good
company. Let's face it: many women spend all day whining to their friends about how
awful their lives are and listening to their neurotic friends responding in kind. The last
thing they want to do is go out with you and hear more of the same.
To make matters worse, women simply don't "get" many of men's problems. Women
have problems with things that don't even bother us, but they expect us to be
understanding or at least tolerant; we have problems with things that don't even
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bother them, and no amount of explaining will cause the light to go on or elicit any
sympathy.
So why not just commit hara-kiri now? Because it's not that bad. You get over it. In
particular, once you figure out how to handle women a lot of your problems seem
smaller and more manageable.
MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means someone will finally understand me.
TRUTH: Understanding—true understanding—takes decades. If you spend most of
your time with the love of your life trying to explain yourself, she will have nothing but
contempt for you, for two reasons. First, because she doesn't want to hear your
whining (see above). Second, and more important, women want to maintain the selfdelusion that they already understand men. Women everywhere claim that they
understand men and that "men are simple creatures." The truth is that women
haven't a clue where most men are coming from and furthermore they care only
insofar as they want to control us. Nonetheless, they want to maintain the fiction that
they have us figured out.
It's a pride and status thing. A woman who doesn't "understand" her man can't
control him, and a woman who can't control her man is a loser. The more you try to
explain yourself, the more complex and multi-dimensional you become (a.k.a.
"difficult"), and the less she can claim to understand you.
Besides, most of the time you're explaining yourself to her you're really trying to
figure yourself out. Go do it in a corner, hire a professional listener, or join a men's
group. She doesn't want to hear it. If you master the art of keeping your problems to
yourself she will complain bitterly about this. She will bitch and whine that you're not
open enough and that she has to drag things out of you. She will also secretly love
this. It gives her one more thing to complain about to her friends.
MYTH: If only I could meet the right woman, my life would have meaning.
TRUTH: If your life doesn't have meaning right now, when you're single, then a
relationship isn't going to help. You'll pile too much baggage on top of the delicate
emotional bonds too early, and the whole thing will collapse like a house of cards.
Want to see this in action? Watch women: they do this all the time. In particular,
women who whine about men who can't make a commitment are probably doing
exactly this: looking to a man to make their life mean something. It doesn't work.
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The only way to have a happy life is to develop one for yourself, then leave an
opening for someone else to come and share it with you. Neither of these two things
is easy. In particular, it's too easy once you've developed a life for yourself to end up
with someone who was doing exactly what you were doing before—waiting for Prince
Charming (or in your case Lady Love)—to come and rescue her life. People like this
end up draining away all of that energy you've worked so hard to build up, leaving
you exhausted and frustrated.
Take it from me: I waited for Lady Love for decades. Finally I gave up, got angry, got
off my ass and tried to make a life for myself, and suddenly I was surrounded by
women who wanted to date me. After a while I met someone who was very special to
me and I married her. Now my life is about the same as before, but I have someone
with whom to share it. As much as I prefer being with someone, I must tell you that
having her with me doesn't make my life any more or less meaningful. I'm pretty
much where I was before, only now I have company, which is nice.
[P.S.: After two years she turned into one of those people who was waiting for her life
to mean something, and she drained away all of my good energy. Oh well. Some
things just don't turn out as planned, no matter how hard you try. Rats.]
MYTH: If I treat a woman well and listen to what she says, she'll stop complaining
TRUTH: Women never stop complaining. For them, it's a sport. Some complain more
than others, but none of them will ever stop, any more than one day men will stop
discussing football. Men have built civilizations, created law, invented husbandry
(that's keeping domestic animals by the way, not marriage; women invented
marriage), built skyscrapers, invented cars, washing machines, antibiotics, toilets,
computers, and microwave ovens, and generally dragged us out of caves and into
condos. Don't kid yourself: men did it all. If it were up to women we'd still be living in
caves and dying at 20. I know that men did it all because I know why they did it: they
hoped that it would stop women complaining. It didn't.
If you listen to your girlfriend's bitching and try to make everything better, you'll suffer
the same fate as all the men who came before: you'll run yourself ragged, and at the
end of it all she'll still be bitching. If you ignore all but the most important complaints,
she'll bitch about that, too, but you'll feel far better about your life.
MYTH: Men don't listen to women because men don't care about women.
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TRUTH: Men ignore women because women normally have nothing worthwhile to
say. This is not a condemnation of women, but rather a difference in what talking is
for. This is one of the few areas where John Gray has something useful to say. Men
mull things over, organize things in their heads, then speak. Men have to do this
because they have to get things done, and if they blabbered all day long about
nothing in particular then eventually other men would pay them no attention. Men talk
to communicate ideas, negotiate compromises, and secure cooperation. Life and
experience has taught men to be brief and pithy.
Women talk to organize their thoughts. It's the difference between doing the math
problem in your head and writing the answer at the top of the page, and scribbling all
over the page in order to arrive at the answer in the bottom corner. Women want men
to listen to them. Women want men to follow along as they scribble all over the page,
not just wait for the answer. Quite frankly, who cares? As I mentioned above, there
are lots of things that women don't want to hear from men. If you want to talk about
these things, you'll have to find some other men who want to listen, because she
sure as hell won't. If she wants to attach her mouth to her brain and vocalize all of her
mental processes then she should find someone who cares to listen, in other words
another woman.
MYTH: She said she loves me. She must think I'm really special.
TRUTH: When women say, "I love you" it can mean almost anything. "I want to
spend the rest of my life with you," "I'm desperate to get married and have babies
and you're the best thing I've come across so far," "You're better than the last jerk I
went out with," "You're the best guy I've come across this week," "All my girlfriends
are in love and I want to be too," "I have a million problems and I want you to feel
obliged to listen to them," "I want another date and I want you to feel like you have to
ask me out again," "It's time I put my foot down and started controlling you," and any
number of other things. OK, most women think they mean it when they say, "I love
you." However, remember the old saying, "It's a woman's prerogative to change her
mind"? She loves you this minute. Maybe today. Maybe this week. Maybe even this
month. However, this says nothing about how she will feel next month, next week, or
tomorrow.
One of the biggest problems men like me have is that when we say, "I love you" to a
woman we want to really mean it. Like "I love you forever." Men don't understand that
a woman can say, "I love you forever" and change her mind next week. All she does
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is convinces herself that in hindsight, and despite everything you've ever said or
done, you never really loved her, so all the times she said, "I love you" didn't really
count. You have to learn to use the same language. Go ahead and say, "I love you,"
but inside your head say, "I love you right now. Tomorrow may be a different story."
When you break up and she screams that you said you loved her, tell her that you
did, but she did this and that and now you don't love her any more. When women
say, "I love you" they aren't promising eternal devotion, so why should you be? One
day you'll meet a woman who says, "I love you" and it'll really hit home. You'll test her
love a bit and it will hold up. That's the one you marry.
MYTH: Women understand relationships; men don't.
TRUTH: This myth is perpetuated by women, pussy-whipped men, and psychiatrists.
If women truly understood relationships... that is, if they understood relationships with
men... then we wouldn't have a 45% divorce rate. Maybe back in the pioneer days
women understood relationships. These days, they have coffee with their girlfriends,
talk about "men", examine and dissect relationships, study interpersonal dynamics,
talk, talk, talk about what works and what doesn't, then go out and perfectly screw up
their next relationship. I know. I've watched it happen from the sidelines.
Women spend more time analyzing relationships; they talk about them incessantly,
and in doing so discover more truths than men know. However, all of this talk in a
vacuum also means that their heads are filled with more bullshit and myth than are
men's. The combination of superior insight and copious nonsense puts them right
back where we are. Men tend to see what's going on in a relationship more clearly,
but have no idea how to express what they see or what to do about it. Women would
probably know what to do about it if they could only see it as it truly is, instead of
through a fog of preconception.
The other big difference between the sexes is that women are absolutely certain that
they know what is going on, whereas men make no such claim. The last man who
claimed to have his own radical theories about relationships was Freud, and nobody
pays any attention to him any more. It is women's ideas about relationships and why
they do or don't work that have been imported lock, stock, and barrel into the field of
psychiatry. Most male therapists you'll meet are basically honorary women with
university degrees, and as such they don't really understand relationships either.
MYTH: Women are fairer and more even-handed than men
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TRUTH: Nothing could be further from the truth. Traditionally men have favoured the
same rules for everyone: "He who lives by the sword dies by the sword." Women on
the other hand make up the rules as they go along. Although women's approach is
patently unfair, it was valuable when they had to be the ones to point out that the
rules needed to be changed, or that the rules should be bent in some cases. Back
then they did this for the good of everyone. These days men still feel bound by rules,
but women are in a conflict of interest. They still keep watch over the rules and break
them as they always have, but now they modify and break the rules in their own
favour.
Men's justice is often harsh, but it's fair. Women's justice is arbitrary and these days
often self-serving. (Liberal "situational ethics" are essentially the same as women's
ethics.) You'll find this out quickly in a relationship. The joke going around about "The
Rules" and how women change them all the time isn't such a joke. It's a
documentary. If you doubt this, think of it this way. A man caught breaking or bending
the rules of good behaviour will become either defensive or repentant; his wife will
beat him over the head with his transgression for months, if not years. A woman
caught modifying the rules of good behaviour to suit herself will giggle and freely
admit it. She thinks it's a game.
MYTH: Women do a lot for the relationship; men do a lot for themselves
TRUTH: My ex-girlfriend invented a little ditty that made her puff up with smug, selfsatisfied pride. It went like this, "Women think of 'we'; men think of 'me'." OK, so e.e.
cummings she wasn't. The point is that she actually believed this, and a lot of other
women do, too. She thought that she was living and breathing our "relationship,"
while I was just kind of hanging around and taking up space. Meanwhile, I drove her
everywhere (she couldn't drive), I spent hours making her gifts and writing her notes,
and I spent hours thinking about what was going on with us and where we were
going.
The truth of the matter is that women don't think of 'we' any more or less often than
men do. Women think of their own needs most of the time, too. The difference is that
women redefine their own needs as being those of "the relationship". For example,
when a man needs to talk to his belle about something, he says, "I need to talk to
you." When a woman needs to talk to her beau about something, she says, "We
need to talk." Notice the difference? Suddenly what she needs becomes what we
need. Women do this all the time, and then pout and whine that they work so hard at
the relationship and you don't. In fact they're just playing with words.
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The other truth is that there are two relationships: the one you're really in—the one
that exists between you and her—and the one in her head. Remember how women
are always talking and theorizing about "relationships"? Well, much of what she
defines as "our relationship" is really just a collection of theories and prejudices from
past conversations with her girlfriends, and has nothing to do with what's going on
between the two of you. In that sense, even if she is doing more for "the relationship,"
it isn't necessarily anything that concerns her real relationship with you.
MYTH: Women are more involved in the relationship; men are more aloof.
TRUTH: Finally one that's true. The false part is the assumption that being deeply
involved in the relationship is always a good thing, and that aloofness is fatal to
relationships. If you doubt this, look around you and find a couple in which both
people do little else but sit around with each other and talk, and watch how fast the
relationship blows itself apart. Every relationship has to have a balance between
looking inward and looking outward. Most women who complain that their men don't
pay enough attention to "the relationship" aren't seeing the relationship clearly and/or
are buried in "the relationship" up to their necks and so are creating more problems
than they solve. Recently I was skimming a book by Dr. Laura and saw a chapter that
gets this one right. Where is it written that when a man wants to go back to college
and a woman wants to get married, and she gets angry that he's "not thinking of the
relationship" that she's automatically right? Maybe the right thi ng to do at that
moment is for both of them to go back to college for a couple of years. Women
confuse obsessing about "the relationship" with healthy involvement, particularly
considering that half the time they're seeing stuff that isn't even there. Sometimes
your relationship needs more attention than you're giving it; other times she's
smothering it. The assumption that more involvement equals more love simply isn't
true.
MYTH: When she says no, she means no (so why am I so confused)?
TRUTH: Nobody means no every time they say "no." Think about it: do you? You've
never said no when you were too shy to say yes? You've never said no because you
were nervous, didn't know what you were getting into, and didn't really have time to
think about your answer? You've never said no because you thought that was the
right thing to do even though you really wanted to say yes? You've never said no and
then changed your mind? You've never said no as a joke, just to get a rise out of
someone, when you really meant yes?
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I've done all of these things at one time or another; most men I know have, and most
women I know have as well. However, for men there's a catch. If she's prone to
saying no when she really means yes, then you should dump her. Immediately.
Especially if she's told you in no uncertain terms "no" and then starts dropping huge
hints that you're supposed to ignore this and go for it anyway. Dump the bitch. This is
just far too dangerous. If you doubt this, imagine sitting in court, accused of rape.
"Did she tell you no, Mr. Smith?" "Yeah, but afterward she tried to rip my pants off,
then stripped naked and sat on my face!" "But did she say no, Mr. Smith?" "Umm...
yes she did." "Case closed."
I once went out with a woman who told me, on our second date, that there was no
way she would sleep with me, that her ex-boyfriend was coming to visit and that it
would be "too complicated" if she were sleeping with me when he came to stay. On
our third date she did everything to let me know that she wanted me, including lying
on my bed, making comments about removing her clothes for a nude massage.
Spooked, I drove her home, dropped her off, and never went out with her again. I
consider it one of the smartest things I've done in my dating life. (Incidentally,
apparently so does she. Every time I meet her she asks why I don't call her any
more.)
MYTH: Women are social geniuses; all women get along well with each other, while
men just fight
TRUTH: I lived in a mixed-sex dorm for two years in university where each floor was
segregated by sex. It alternated: one floor men, one floor women, one floor men, etc.
A few nearby residences were completely mixed. A couple of the men's floors looked
much the worse for wear at the end of the year. You know, men are so destructive.
The women's floors all looked perfect. All the girls were smiling and friendly. Talk to
any of them, however, and they'd tell you that they hated living on an all-female floor,
and every last damned one of them was moving to the mixed dorms the very next
year, and not with each other. According to them, underneath the tidy rooms and
smiles were claws and forked tongues. Every day was a quiet, mannerly, pitched
social battle. The men, on the other hand, got along just fine with only a few
exceptions. Most of us were quite happy where we were, the only complaint being
that we didn't see the ladies enough.
One thing that is true along the lines of this myth is that any woman will defend
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mouthing women, even a particular woman that isn't known to "present company,"
and you'll find women defending her even though they have no idea what's going on.
If anyone—a woman or another man—verbally attacks a man, other men will not
jump in and defend him. Why? Men assume that other men can look after
themselves and, after all, they're competition. Women assume that an attack on one
woman is an attack on all women.
BITTER MYTH: Women are all the same.
TRUTH: Women are not all the same, and in particular women change with age. A
woman who wouldn't give you a second look at 15 may be asking you out at 35. In
part this is the dreaded "biological clock" at work, but in part it's also changing
priorities. At 15 she wants to impress all of her friends with her "catch" and she is
starting to learn to control men. She wants variety and excitement. At 25 she wants
to have fun with no strings attached and wants to hone her controlling skills. She
wants more stability but she doesn't want Ward Cleaver or Bill Gates. At 35 she
realizes that the fun days are over and it's time to settle down and get serious.
Boring, nerdy guys who were dog meat at 15 can be studs at 35. The guys grow up
and mature, they learn to need women less, and they settle into a life of resigned
solitude, which means that they cheer up because they're no longer striving for
something they can't have. The field narrows, and there are fewer single guys with no
divorce history. Finally, her priorities have changed. She's no longer impressed by
"bad boys" on motorcycles with a few convictions for petty crime. She knows that her
friends aren't impressed by flashy, fast-living rogues any longer, any more than
they're still impressed by fashions from Suzy Creamcheese. She's more interested in
building a nest than impressing her friends anyway (and she knows that building a
nest is what will impress them). So, just because you can't get anywhere now doesn't
mean that your whole life will be a write-off. Take a clue from me: I never had a
single date in high school. I had one girlfriend for a year in University. Ten years later
I was beating women off with a stick.
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The power of the Mathematics: "Germany 2006"
1. Brazil gained the World Cup in 1994, before that they gained the Mundial in 1970.
Add 1970+ 1994 = 3964
2. Argentina gained their last World Cup in 1986, before that they gained the Mundial
in 1978. Add 1978+1986=3964
3. Germany gained their last World Cup in 1990, before that they gained the Mundial
in 1974. Add 1974+1990=3964
4. In Mundial 2002 Brazil has repeated the championship, and it is logic, since we
add 1962 (where Brazil was the Champion) + 2002 = 3964, therefore it was obvious
Brazil to be the Champion.
5. If we want to prognostic the champion for Germany 2006: Subtract 39642006=1958... This year in 1958 the Champion was Brazil, Here are the prognostic for
2006
6. AND THE MOST IMPRESSIVE the Greek fans, we also have the reason to be
happy because for sure we will gain the World Cup in 3964. Because never we
gained, so 0+3964=3964.
We need only to wait 489 World Cup in order to be Champions. That is equivalent to
1958 years. In 1958 Brazil was the champion of the world.
Therefore the final in 3964 is going to be GRECCE against the BRASILENOS?
You cannot imagine the wild goals we are going to put to them.
"Poor people"... they do not know what they will confront.
Bush vs Condi v2006
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
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Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China .
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China .
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China ?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China .
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China !
Condi: Hu is leading China
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China ?
Condi: That's the man's name.
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George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China ?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East .
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China ?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China ?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China . Get me
the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
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Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me
the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East ! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
Kids are quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
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FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten
years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
"..., because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we
know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are
some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we
don't know we don't know."
Donald Rumsfeld, February 2002
Memo to all employees:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees,
it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that
you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T., please see your supervisor. You will be
immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially
skilled at seeing you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S. H. I.T. seriously will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.)
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.HI.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE
ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.)
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to
take S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you
may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC
UNDERSTANDING LEADERSHIP LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T). Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
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P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the
same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T
How true are these?!
FRIENDS VS. GREEK FRIENDS
FRIENDS: Never ask for food
GREEK FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
FRIENDS: Will say "hello"
GREEK FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
GREEK FRIENDS: Call your parents Theo and Thea
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
GREEK FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave
GREEK FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together
FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
GREEK FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.
FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
GREEK FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
GREEK FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
GREEK FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
GREEK FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
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GREEK FRIENDS: Will forward this
"It is never too late to have a happy childhood."
© cchas