INT. GEN’S CELL - UNDETERMINED (ala Inside Man)
An ECU of GEN NATALIA,22, Asian, grease man, spoofing Yen from
Ocean’s Eleven, five o’clock shadow. GEN stares into the CAMERA
FRAME with an indistinct background.
GEN
My name is Gen Natalia…pay
strict attention to what I
say because I choose my words
carefully…and I never repeat
myself…
GEN pauses as CAMERA PANS into his face
GEN
I never repeat myself…
GEN’S eyes shift accordingly, as he notices the contradiction.
Several drops of water in the background become audible.
GEN
I’ve told you my name…
A “flush” of yellowish water streams by GEN interrupting his
dialogue. GEN pauses in frustration as he collects himself and
continues.
GEN(cont’d)
I’ve told you my name that's
the who…the where, can most
readily be described as a shit
hole…but there's vast difference
between being stuck in a tiny
hole…and being stuck in shit…
GEN struggles in the small space trying to write in his journal.
he shifts positions, eventually resulting in his pencil breaking
entirely.
GEN attempts to do some push ups but can't get his back all the
way up because of the small space.
GEN struggles to take off his shoe when he suspects he stepped in
something. when he does, he sniffs the bottom of his shoe, and
judging by his reaction it’s shit!
GEN
The what is easy…recently I
helped plan and set in motion
events to execute the perfect
robbery…that's also the when
…as for the why…
beyond the obvious financial
motivation…it’s exceedingly
simple…
1
GEN pauses a moment. he forgets his dialogue. he picks up a cue
card that he has in his pants. he reads it
GEN
…because I can…which only
leaves us with the how…and
the rest…as Nick Lachey’s
career will tell us…is history.
MUSIC BEGINS ("The Lion King" theme)
GEN notices that this is the wrong theme as he fiddles around
with his IPOD and changes the song. the song changes to ("Soak up
the sun" by Sheryl Crow.)
CAMERA CUTS to GEN’S embittered face as he trys to move around
and switch the tune again. he changes the IPOD tune to "chaiyyachaiyya" (theme from "Inside man") he sighs and shakes his head
SONG FADES INTO THE MAIN MUSIC SCORE
OPENING CREDITS OVER QUICKCUTS OF THE MAJESTIC 20 THEATER
INT. MAJESTIC 20 MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT
CLOSE ON:
A movie poster that says: “Tyler Perry’s: Diary Of A Mad Fat
Women”. Poster has women stuffing a man into her mouth as children
are tied with bacon strips on a skillet awaiting their fate
Crowd of people enter theater #1
INT. THEATER #1 - NIGHT
"GET BITCHED OR DIE CRYIN'"(spoofing “GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN’” is
playing). QUICKCUTS around to fascinated audience members really
into the movie.
CAMERA CUTS TO man with open shirt into the movie, as two girls
under each arm lick his nipples. bootleggers with video camera
equipment set up their camera and start filming.
Mid 20's woman sits with her 7 kids all dressed in urban attire,
all different races. we hear a cell phone ring, all kids pick up
their phone.
INT. P-UNIT MERCHANDISE WAREHOUSE – NIGHT - THEATER SCREEN
FILTHY SCENT, spoofing 50 cent, stealthily creeps against a
wall, trying to stay out of sight. men, with guns in S.W.A.T
attire, guard a room that is glowing.
CAMERA PUSHES into room. it contains a case of platinum spinning
2
"P" medallions.
FILTHY SCENT slips by them. As he continues, he steps on a Cookie
Monster Doll (Gangsta edition), dressed with urban attire,
releasing the theme ("Holla Holla" by Ja rule). FILTHY SCENT
stomps on it repeatedly to stop the tune
FILTHY SCENT
(referring to the doll)
God damn Wankstas!
guards begin to move in towards the sound of the doll as FILTHY
SCENT exposes himself from behind the wall.
It begins to run in slow "MATRIX" motion as FILTHY SCENT runs
towards them shooting.
He only gets three shots off before they shoot nine rounds that
go right through his holes that he already has.
FILTHY SCENT
You dumb niggas, I already
took nine!
Audience goes crazy. we see three men dressed in all black,
shake their heads in disbelief that they give into the senseless
amusement.
We CUT BACK to the screen. FILTHY SCENT then takes them out by
throwing his hat like a boomerang that coinsidently has a blade at
the tip of it.
FILTHY SCENT makes his way through the door. momentarily, he sees
the object that he has infiltrated for…the medallions
Suddenly…he hears a familiar voice
VOICE
Ah yes…FILTHY!
FILTHY SCENT
Vivica?
He turns around only to see VIVICA A FOX.
VIVICA
You have mistreated women
for the last time!
She raises up like trinity from THE MATRIX while audience gasps
STANLEY(V.O)
(over radio)
Okay, we’re set…
We hear a surge of energy followed by an explosion
3
SCREEN GOES BLACK
FADE IN:
INT. EMPTY ROOM WITH SINGLE CHAIR – (ala Ocean’s Eleven) - ONE MONTH AGO
We hear a door open and close followed by approaching
footsteps. DANNY SEAWATER, mid 20’s, 5 o’clock shadow, dressed
in wrinkled shirt and tie with lipstick stains on it, enters
FRAME and sits.
VOICE(V.O)
Good Morning.
DANNY
Good Morning.
VOICE(V.O)
Please state your name.
DANNY
Daniel Seawater
VOICE(V.O)
Thank you. Mr. Seawater
the purpose of this meeting
is to determine whether, if
rehired, You are likely to sell
our company on Ebay again. In
this, being your first
investigation, we discovered that
you and your accomplices were
speaking in code, so we’re going
to put this in words you can
understand.
DANNY holds a nonchalant expression
VOICE
Sally’s cat ate a rat…
Brad Pitt…ate some shit…
easy squeezy lemon peezy…
bucky beggy ducky Dumpers…
she sells cracked shells
in a hale storm. What can
you tell us about this?
DANNY thinks a moment
DANNY
I don’t know what the fuck
you’re talking about.
INT. THEATER MANAGER’S OFFICE – WIDER VIEW – MORNING (ala Office Space)
SIX MANAGERS sit opposite DANNY, behind a table
4
MANAGER #1
Okay…let’s try this again.
Good Morning Danny, I’m Bob
have you met Bob?
He points to the MANAGER next to him
MANAGER #2
Hi, I’m Bob have you met Bob?
He points to MANAGER next to him
MANAGER #3
You can call me Bob,
have you met Bob?
DANNY’S in a state of disorientation as We CUT TO the second
to last Bob
MANAGER #5
I’m Bob, have you met
Beranne?
DANNY pauses
DANNY
So it’s Bob, Bob, Bob,
Bob, Bob, Beranne?
DRUM HITS
MANAGER #2
Yeah, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,
Bob, Beranne.
DANNY
What? Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,
Bob, Beranne?
MUSIC BEGINS (“Boperane” by the Beach Boys)
All MANAGERS fold their hands looking at DANNY with a
straight face. DANNY looks around the room wondering where the
music is coming from
BOB #1 picks up stereo remote and turns stereo off
BOB #1
That’s just a little intro
we like to put together when
ever we start these meetings
DANNY
(Laid back)
Cool.
MANAGER #1
What were doing here Danny,
is were trying to get a feel
for how people spend there time
5
here. As you know, our Detroit
branch was taken under siege…
which happen to be during your
vacation coincidentally, we need
to take every precaution we can.
So, could you take us through a
typical day…for you?
DANNY
(nonchalant)
Okay well, I come in about
fifteen minutes late. I come
through the side door, so you
know, Benedict doesn’t see me.
Um, I get Benedict his morning
coffee, which I add a little
bit of my own special creamer
to.
DANNY motions his hand like a masturbate, as he points and
winks at BOB #1.
DANNY(cont’d)
Then I head over to the
maintenance closet where
I inhale a little bit of
floor cleaner and space
out for about an hour.
MANAGER #2
Space out?
DANNY
Yeah. You know just stare
at my desk so it looks like
I’m working. I do that after
lunch too…I’d say in a givin’
week I only do about seven
seconds of actual work and
that’s just turning on my
computer.
They all pause at his honesty
MANAGER #1
Can you be a good sport and
tell us just a little bit more?
DANNY
It’s not that I’m lazy or
anything…
DANNY considers
DANNY
Well god damn it! Maybe
I am lazy, But it can also
be a question of motivation…
6
MANAGER #2
Wait a second…what happened
with the occupational therapist
we recommended to you?
INT. DR. SWEINHORN C.C.C HYPNOTHERAPY OFFICE – NIGHT - FLASHBACK (ala Office Space)
Six adults sit in folding chairs, in a semi-circle, forming a
support group
DANNY
So I was sitting at my desk
today, and I realized, ever
since I started working for
Benedict, um…every single day
of my life has been worse than
the day before it. So that
means that every single day
that you see me…that’s on the
worse day of my life.
DR. SWEINHORN
What about today? Is today
the worse day of your life?
DANNY
Yeah.
DR. SWEINHORN
Damn.
(singing terribly)
You got it…you got it bad.
The group pauses at the comment.
DR. SWEINHORN
I’m sorry. Go on.
DANNY
Is there anyway that you
can sort of just zonk me
out so that, like, I don’t
know that I work for an
asshole like Benedict…Could
I think that I work for like
Jerry Springer or something?
DR. SWEINHORN
That’s not really what I do
Danny…However…the good news
I think I can help you.
DANNY
(inquiring)
Really?
DR. SWEINHORN
7
I want you to do something
for me Danny. I want you to
try and relax…I want you to
relax every muscle in your
body…beginning with your neck
your back…and your coochie just
like that…
DANNY opens his eyes a little bit
DR. SWEINHORN
Now, I want you to relax
your legs…You’re beginning
to feel your nipples getting
heavy…
DANNY shifts forward a bit
DR. SWEINHORN(CONT’D)
…As you slip deeper and deeper…
into a state of complete relaxation.
All your cares and concerns are
disappearing as your go deeper and
deeper way down. Now when I count
back from three…I want you to think
of the worst thing that you can do
to Mr. Benedict, for this will make
you feel better about going to work…
DANNY’S eyes get smaller and smaller as DR. SWEINHORN begins to
cough.
MAN#1
Why is Dr. Sweinhorn sweating
so badly?
WOMEN #1
He said he had a premonition
he thinks that Death is coming
for him
CUTS BACK to DR. SWIENHORN. A man in Grim Reaper’s outfit stands
behind DR. SWEINHORN rubbing his hands together.
DR. SWEINHORN
…And when you find it, hold
on to it like that is your
purpose…
DANNY’S shifting body hold still
DR. SWEINHORN
…and you will remain in
that state until I snap
my neck…
Couple looks at DR. SWEINHORN as he makes eye contact with them
and then turns back to DANNY.
8
DR. SWEINHORN(CONT’D)
…I mean my fingers…three,
deeper and deeper way, way
down…two deeper and deeper
…W-W-way down…whu…whu…
A man in GEORGE W.BUSH mask bursts out of the closet with a
silencer pistol and shoots two rounds into DR. SWIENHORN’S
chest. Man jumps through the window and runs away. Male group
members run after man through the front door.
MAN #1
Damn, he must have thought
the Doctor was from New
Orleans.
INT. THEATER MANAGER’S OFFICE – MORNING – BACK TO NORMAL
All the managers are silent looking around at each other, as
DANNY has the most laid back expression than anyone they’d ever
seen, with his hands resting on the back of his head.
MANAGER #3
Well…
MANAGER #1
Well Danny what if…
MANAGER #1 gestures his fingers in a quote end quote motion.
MANAGER #1(CONT’D)
…And believe me this is
so hypothetical…
They all laugh. BERANNE more than others. They all look at him.
MANAGER #1(CONT'D)
What if we were to offer you
an upper management position
would that do anything for you…
DANNY
Gee…I don’t know…maybe…listen
I’m just gonna quit but…thanks
it’s been a pleasure.
MANAGER #2
(suspicious)
Quit?
MANAGER #1
No, believe me Danny the
Pleasure is all on this
side of the table. And you
can count on a positive
recommendation.
9
DANNY
No thanks, I don’t think I’d
like another Job.
DANNY shakes the bobs hands. BERANNE sticks his hand out. DANNY
goes in to shake his hand but doesn’t and just walks away. All
managers laugh and tease BERANNE as he talks to himself
BERANNE
Well I could burn down
the building.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER - ARCADE ROOM – MORNING
An elevator opens. DANNY steps out and casually makes his way over
to the exit.
EXT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER – PARKING LOT – MORNING
DANNY casually walks through parking lot. he reaches in his
pocket and pulls out a cell phone. he puts it to his ear.
INT. ARCADE GAME ROOM – NIGHT (ala Mr. and Mrs. Smith)
A POKER STYLE TABLE. AROUND THE TABLE SIT: RUSTY SMITH, 24,
Trendy, attractive, (if your spoofing Brad Pitt, what else would
it be) Cory Matthews, Steve Urkel, Carlton Banks, and Screech
playing a game of five card stud.
RUSTY
You’re a damn cheater…no
I don’t wanna here it
you’re a damn cheater…
Screech is a God damn
cheater.
RUSTY cell phone rings. He picks it up
DANNY (V.O)
McSalad shakers are appreciated
when the coal minds are renovated.
CAMERA PANS into RUSTY’S face. he hangs up the phone.
RUSTY
I gotta jet fellas
SCREECH
No way man your just tryin’
to bail because I’m up…
CORY MATTHEWS
Yeah it’s not like you
have a job Rusty.
10
THEY ALL LAUGH AT RUSTY. RUSTY TAKES THIS IN.
RUSTY
You are the job.
RUSTY brings out two silencer pistols and takes out the four.
RUSTY puts his guns back in his holsters and picks up his jacket.
he heads for the exit as he picks up DUSTIN’S cards.
RUSTY
Pair of 3’s
INT. 7-11 CONVENIENT STORE – MORNING (ala Mission: Impossible III)
RUSTY enters and walks over to an aisle. he
stands there. we pan back. DANNY enters FRAME.
INTERCUT between DANNY and RUSTY.
RUSTY
Sarcasm…is a delicacy among
elves in the Netherlands…
DANNY
When Queen Latifah works
at Home Depot…all the
molecules in water will
become aroused…
RUSTY
Honda Accords and BMW’s
happen to agree that Lil’
Bow Wow should’ve won
American Idol in 1994.
DANNY takes this in, and walks away. he drops a disposable
camera, and exits. rusty picks up the camera.
INT. BATHROOM – STALL
RUSTY pushes in a button on the side of the camera.
camera morphs into a little monitor. a red beam
scans RUSTY’S right eye. computer generated voice
speaks.
VOICE(V.O)
Confirmation…faget ass
rusty…granted!
RUSTY
(shaking his head)
Danny.
DANNY(V.O)
How’s it goin’ Rusty? You
11
still teaching has beens
how to play cards?…you god
damn loser…anyway I’ve got a
job for us…it’s in LA…meet me
in the Game room in 10 minutes…
this message will self destruct.
The messages cuts off. RUSTY places camera into the toilet. He
leaves stall and exits bathroom. Enters a very fat man. He sits on
the toilet that RUSTY was on. CUTS TO RUSTY walking through the
exit doors “blam!” we hear a loud noise from the bathroom. The
clerk runs into bathroom. Tons of hamburgers and hot dogs on the
floor around the fat man’s clothes. Clerk stands there a moment
shaking his head.
CLERK
Fat bastard.
INT. GAME ROOM CAFE LOUNGE – NIGHT (ala Ocean’s Eleven)
DANNY
It’s tricky, it’s never
been done before…It’s
going to need planning
and a large crew.
RUSTY
What is?
DANNY slides RUSTY a thick script, RUSTY examines the document
RUSTY
How’d you get a copy of
“Get bitched or die cryin’”
when it hasn’t even been
released in theaters yet?
Under the title it indicates “WRITTEN BY DANIEL SEAWATER”. CUTS
BACK to RUSTY, as he looks up at DANNY.
DANNY
Because I wrote it.
RUSTY
That’s impossible. This is
Arnold Benedict’s movie.
DANNY
Not quite…
EXT. BRIDGE IN SNOWY MOUNTAINS – MORNING – FLASHBACK (ala “The Italian Job”)
DANNY (V.O)
We just finished shooting
the film, when I was going
to get paid for my script…
An oncoming black van approaching, and a tailgating black
12
van follow a lincoln navigator which plates read “benedict”.
oncoming van begins to veer into the center
DRIVER
Would you look at this
Idiot right in the middle
of the road.
CAMERA ANGLE is behind EVELYN MERCY not exposing her face to
audience view.
EVELYN MERCY
What’s this, What’s this—
INT. GAME ROOM CAFE LOUNGE – NIGHT
The flashback ends RUSTY looks at DANNY with teacup in mid
sip. DANNY loosens his tie and wipes sweat off his forehead.
RUSTY
(realizing)
The Detroit Swindle…
That was nice work…
DANNY
Yeah…and they swindled
me, so I’m stealing it
back…along with every
thing else.
RUSTY
How do you plan to do that?
DANNY hesitates a moment
DANNY
I think we’re long over
for an L.A swindle.
RUSTY
What’s the target?
DANNY
8 figures each.
RUSTY
Yeah, that’s the take…
what’s the target?
DANNY sips his tea
DANNY
When’s the last time
you’ve been to the movies?
RUSTY
You wanna knock over a
movie theater?
13
DANNY shakes his head and holds up his middle finger. RUSTY is
offended
RUSTY
What?
DANNY glances back at RUSTY.
DANNY
No, not you, that bitch.
CATWOMEN stands on top of a table licking the side of a man’s
face while glancing over at DANNY. She waves obscenities to the
both of them, as she pole dances for men surrounding the table.
DANNY just looks on, as rusty brings DANNY back to reality
RUSTY
Danny?!
DANNY
Huh?…oh…
DANNY shakes his head again and holds up three fingers. RUSTY
hesitates while he takes this in.
RUSTY
You wanna knock over
Three theaters?
DANNY
The Majestic 20, The
American AMC, and the
LA Plaza.
RUSTY pauses a moment
RUSTY
Those are Arnold Benedict’s
theaters.
DANNY
Yes they are. You think
he’ll mind?
RUSTY
Does Bush mind hurricanes?
DANNY pauses
DANNY
Well actually…no…he doesn’t.
RUSTY
Good point.
INT. GAME ROOM IN FRONT OF ELEVATOR – NIGHT – SAMETIME
RUSTY
You’re looking at over
a dozen guys doing a
14
combination of cons.
DANNY
Like what?
RUSTY
Well off the top of my head…I’d
Say your looking at a Basher, a
Livingston…a Lyle, a left ear,
a Sponge Bob, and a Shaquille
O’Neal. Not to mention the biggest
Julia Roberts ever. Where you
gonna get the money to back this?
DANNY
Well…we knock over these
three theaters we get our
bankroll…Benedict’s got a
long list of enemies…
RUSTY
Yeah, but enemies with loose
cash and nothing to lose…
They both pause as they come to a simultaneous realization.
RUSTY looks at DANNY
DANNY
Tom Cruise.
RUSTY hesitates as he expected DANNY to answer his own
implication correctly
RUSTY
You mean Rueben, right?
DANNY pauses for a moment with his eyes shut RUSTY once
again wakes him up
RUSTY
DANNY!?
DANNY
Huh?…oh yeah right…Rueben.
Elevator doors opens DANNY and RUSTY enter.
RUSTY
You become narcoleptic
or something.
DANNY
(sarcastically)
Perhaps.
DANNY presses the elevator button
RUSTY
I wonder what Rueben
15
will say?
EXT. RUEBEN’S COURTYARD IN HIS MANSION – MORNING (ala Ocean’s Eleven)
RUEBEN (V.O)
Your out of your freakin’ minds!
DANNY and RUSTY with straight face. DANNY and
RUSTY exchange glances. DANNY whispers to RUSTY on the
Side.
DANNY
(sarcastically)
Why is his wife beater
so God damn small?
RUEBEN
What was that?
RUSTY intervenes
RUSTY
He said he forgot to
fill the parking meter
by the big and tall.
RUEBEN settles
RUEBEN
You’re freaking crazy. I
know more about movie theater
security than any man alive
I invented it and it cannot
be beaten.
DANNY and RUSTY nonchalant
RUEBEN
They got cameras, they
got watchers, they got
locks, They got timers,
they got vaults, they
got lions, they got
tigers, they got…”The
Parkers”.
RUSTY
You mean bears!
RUEBEN
What’s the difference?
RUEBEN (Cont’d)
Okay, I was rambling.
They got enough armed
personnel to occupy the
Hilton in Paris…
16
DANNY
The hotel or the tramp?
RUEBEN
BOTH!
DANNY and RUSTY exchange glances again
DANNY AND RUSTY
Damn.
RUEBEN
But yet again I’m not doubting
your ability, you guys are the
best…you can make it out of the
theater…of course less we forget
once you get out the door, you’re
still in the middle of the God damn
desert.
DANNY, RUEBEN, and RUSTY pause a moment
RUSTY
Your right…he’s right!
DANNY
Rueben your right…
DANNY shuts his eyes and just sits there a moment. RUSTY notices
and hits DANNY on the shoulder.
RUEBEN
DANNY!?
DANNY opens his eyes
DANNY
…Rueben you’re right.
RUEBEN
You become narcoleptic?
DANNY
I must’ve had a long
Weekend.
RUEBEN
The Detroit Job? That
was nice work.
RUSTY looks at DANNY
RUSTY
(to Rueben)
Don’t ask…
17
DANNY
Thanks for lunch…sorry to
bother you.
DANNY and RUSTY get up from table and head toward the exit
RUEBEN
Look just out of curiosity,
Which movie theaters did you
genius’ pick to rob?
DANNY
The Majestic 20…
RUSTY
The Majestic 20, the American
AMC, and the LA Plaza.
RUEBEN starts to choke on his chicken teriyaki. RUEBEN coughing
and holding his neck. RUSTY and DANNY look back at RUEBEN in
careless concern. He starts to bang his head on the table, as his
butler runs up behind him with a chair and hits him. The chair
shatters as the chicken goes flying out of his mouth and into the
swimming pool.
RUEBEN
(breathing hard)
Those are Arnold Benedict’s
theaters.
RUEBEN gets up and walks towards RUSTY and DANNY
RUEBEN
What do you have against
Arnold Benedict?
DANNY
What do you have against
him? That’s the question.
RUEBEN
He torpedoed my theaters…
muscled me out.
RUSTY and DANNY nod.
RUEBEN (CONT’D)
Look, If your gonna steal
from Arnold Benedict you
better goddamn know…this
kinda thing used to be
civilized, you hit a guy
he’d whack you…done…but
with Benedict, he’ll cut
your dick and jerk you
18
off with alcohol.
DANNY
That’s why we need to be
very careful, very precise…
RUSTY
Well funded.
RUEBEN
Yeah…you gotta be nuts
too…and your gonna need
a crew as nuts as you are…
RUSTY
…a crew that has it in
for Arnold Benedict.
CAMERA PANS into RUEBEN face as he smiles and his gold
tooth “Blings”
RUEBEN
Who do you got in mind?
EXT. STREETS OF MIAMI – NIGHT – (ala 2Fast 2Furious)
DANNY(V.O)
…What about drivers…?
RUSTY (V.O)
Paulker and Tyreik. These
guys are former BHL delivery
drivers as well as street
racers in Miami…After Benedict
laid them off, they’ve just
been buying their time…
Two cars pull up from the distance. CUTS TO TJ, MONICA,
PAULKER, and TYREIK awaiting the vehicles.
TJ
Yeah…here they come.
Both drivers get out of their vehicles and meet TYREIK and
PAULKER in the center.
TYREIK
Fonzi and fabio.
FONZI
Baby boy and Joyride. We
heard you want to get rid
of those crackerjack toys?
19
PAULKER
Well actually I just thought
I’d wake up without showering,
mumble through my lines, and
be a suck ass actor but still
keep getting work because I’m
sexy and I know Vin Diesal.
They all pause at the comment
FONZI
Well…
FONZI and FABIO look over at TYRIEK
FONZI
(referring to Tyreik)
What about you?
TYREIK
(pointing to himself)
What me?…Oh I just try to
keep a straight face and act
gangsta hoping that everyone
forgets that I used to sing
songs like…
MUSIC BEGINS (“How you gonna act like that” by Tyrese)
TYREIK starts to dance like the “How you gonna act like that”
video while he sings. PAULKER smacks him in the shoulder, as he
stops dancing and puts his hard face back on.
FONZI
Hey, why don’t we solve
this right now…
They all walk away to their cars, as MONICA pulls PAULKER
to the side.
MONICA
(referring to tyreik)
What’s his deal?
PAULKER
Oh…Tyreik? No, don’t mind
him, he thinks he’s Tyrese.
he memorized all his songs
and movies. Even to the
point where he can’t control
whenever he blurts out a line
or two.
TYREIK jumps into his convertible talking smack trying to
intimidate him.
20
TYREIK
You ain’t ready Fabio…
I’m in the zone man…It’s
like every time I drive…
“something keeps pulling
me back, me back”
QUICKCUTS around to everyone’s shocked reaction, as TYRIEK comes
too and starts his engine
RUEBEN(V.O)
Is he gonna be a problem?
RUSTY (V.O)
Not at all, he’s crazy as
hell…in a good way though
they’re definitely the men
for the job.
MONICA stands in the middle of the two cars raising her hands in a
“Ready, set, go” motion. Cars peel off.
DANNY(V.O)
Electronics?
INT. LA NIGHT CLUB IN V.I.P – NIGHT (ala Swordfish)
RUSTY(V.O)
Stanley Bell…He was an
electronics expert for
Benedict’s production
company. Unfairly fired.
RUEBEN(V.O)
What’d he do?
RUSTY(V.O)
He planted a virus that
extracted money from the
company account.
DANNY, RUSTY, and RUEBEN looks around at each other.
RUEBEN(V.O)
Where is he now?
DANNY(V.O)
He was last found doing a
hack job in L.A.
STANLEY, 29, Caucasian, spoofing Hugh Jackson’s character from
Swordfish. He bares a terrifying expression as he is pleasured
with fellatio, while he sits in front of a laptop computer. He’s
instructed by a voice that’s face isn’t revealed to the audience
21
yet. His arms are grabbed from behind him by a brute in a suit.
STANLEY can barely get a word out as a result of the head.
VOICE
Now I was told that the
best can do this in 60
minutes. I need someone
that can do it in 60
seconds.
STANLEY anxious expression is spotlighted as both his feet drag
on the floor and drool drips down his lip. Voice looks at his
watch.
VOICE
GO!
Brute lets go of STANLEY’S arms as STANLEY rapidly types on the
Dell laptop computer. He is still groaning over his oral
distraction. STANLEY wipes sweat off his forehead. Voice
comments again while looking at his watch.
VOICE
15 seconds!
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN looks on at the action. STANLEY gets weaker
and weaker as the women in his lap moves her head faster and
faster.
VOICE
5…4…3…2…1!
STANLEY violently yells as an eruption in his lap sends the
women in his lap to the ceiling being elevated by the gushing
white substance. The liquid stops coming up as WOMAN falls to
the floor creating a loud thud. STANLEY presses “enter” as he
turns the laptop around to audience view. The screen has a
game of “Tetris” on it that blinks “New High Score”. Voice
sinisterly rubs his hands together as he commends STANLEY on his
work.
VOICE
Excellent!
DANNY(V.O)
…Munitions?
INT. RUEBEN’S MANSION – BASEMENT – AFTERNOON
RUEBEN, RUSTY, and DANNY sitting at a table.
RUSTY
Right ear’s in town…
22
DANNY
He maybe a little Rusty,
Benedict laid him off his
Last action project after
he blew out his other ear…
EXT. MOVIE SET – MORNING
BASH EAR, 34, Black, spoofing Mos Def’s character from the
Italian Job. He stands by mixing sound board, as team member
walks over to him.
TEAM MEMBER
Hey, Right ear…we need to
check the last track so
keep an eye on it…
BASH EAR nods to him. TEAM MEMBER walks to BASH EAR’S left
side.
TEAM MEMBER #1 (cont’d)
Oh, and for god sake’s
whatever you do, don’t
put on the head phones…
BASH EAR doesn’t show any attentiveness. Another team member
gives BASH EAR a thumbs up. BASH EAR notices and gives him a
returning thumbs up. BASH EAR puts a head phone on his left ear.
Team member #1 pushes down what looks to be a dynamite
detonator…we hear a loud bang…BASH EAR stands still a moment,
then falls out of frame.
RUSTY(V.O)
He goes by Bash ear now.
INT. RUEBEN’S MANSION – BASEMENT – AFTERNOON
DANNY
When’s the last time you
heard from Gen?
RUSTY smiles at DANNY
RUSTY
You don’t watch BET do you?
INT. 106TH AND PARK – LIVE BROADCASTING – NIGHT
GEN and another man stand in front of each other on the stage in
106TH & PARK STUDIO. A freestyle Friday battle is taking place as
GEN’S opponent begins.
GEN’S OPPONENT
…so take your little Chinese
ass to bed…you can’t mess with
23
ATL or you’ll end up dead…you
get no shorties except your mom…
You think that you a MC but you
only a con…
His time runs out. GEN’S opponent faces the audience, raises his
hands and over reacts.
GEN’S OPPONENT
Yeah…Yeah…who wants it?
The audience gives him a moderate ovation. The DJ gives GEN the
cue to begin.
GEN
Yo…yo…yo…You would think I’m
From saint louie, all these
Chicks that I’m rammin’ in…
I got more friends than Courtney
Cox and Jennifer Aniston…and I
Love Christina Milian, and J-Lo
With me, I’m parkin’ with Free
Cause all three of them ain’t
costin’ a thing…
Scene continues in-audible
RUSTY(V.O)
He used to be the best grease
man we could find until he
discovered marijuana. He’s now
one of the biggest burn out’s
in North America. He’s an
impressive MC though.
Audio returns
GEN
You wanna talk black, bitch
I’m blacker than you…
(faces the audience)
I’m the blackest one in here
all ya’ll niggas missin’ a
screw…
The DJ scratches the record to a stop. They all look at GEN. GEN
slowly trying to slip off stage. The DJ, GEN’S opponent, and
entire audience run after GEN.
INT. RUEBEN’S MANSION IN THE DEN - NIGHT
RUSTY, DANNY, and RUEBEN sit in his den in silence.
RUSTY
We’re still short…
24
DANNY
How many?
RUSTY
Four.
DANNY locks eyes with RUSTY who is already looking at him. DANNY
yawns to himself and raises his arms.
DANNY
(suspiciously)
Aw…would you look
at the time
RUSTY looks over at the clock it says “1:14 pm”. RUSTY looks back
over at DANNY, DANNY speeds off in FAST MOTION.
RUEBEN
What about the brothers?
RUSTY considers
RUSTY
There maybe a question of
availability
RUEBEN
Why is that?
RUSTY
They’re in Detroit their
mom died.
EXT. FROZEN LAKE MICHIGAN – MORNING - FUNERAL
Less than 30 people stand in a semi circle out on the ice of
frozen Lake Michigan. QUICKCUTS around to all of the guests.
PRIEST
We pray that Evelyn Mercy will
rest in the peace that she brought
to all of us…now, upon the request
of Evelyn Mercy in her will, she
will be buried by lake.
ROBBY MERCY,26, spoofing Mark Wahlberg’s character from Four
Brothers. ANGEL MERCY,26, spoofing Tyrese’s character from Four
Brothers. JEREMY MERCY,27, spoofing Andre 3000’s character from
Four Brothers. JAKE MERCY, 24, spoofing Garret Hedlund’s
character from Four Brothers. The Brothers sit on black folding
chairs with their heads down in respect to their mother. EVELYN’S
casket is being lifted by three men in black suits. They rest the
casket down and open it. They pick up EVELYN’S body and throw her
through a hole made in the ice. The priest begins to start
talking again when his assistant interrupts him.
25
ASSISTANT
(Holding a document)
It says here that she wanted
to be cremated.
PREIST puts on his glasses and reads carefully
PRIEST
Oh shit!
ROBBY looks up at PRIEST. ROBBY cocks his arm back and punches the
PRIEST. The PREIST falls out of frame.
RUEBEN(V.O)
Okay…so we’re going
to Detroit!
INT. RUEBEN’S MANSION – DEN - NIGHT
RUSTY and RUEBEN get up and grab their jackets.
RUEBEN
Danny you’re coming
too, right?
DANNY tries to hide, posing as a lamp, with the lamp shade on his
head not moving a muscle.
RUSTY
The brothers might not
be so anxious to work
with Danny again.
RUSTY and RUEBEN exit
MUSIC BEGINS (“TROUBLE MAN” by Marvin Gaye)
EXT. STREETS OF DETROIT – MORNING – (ala Four Brothers)
ROBBY MERCY pulls on to a street in Detroit. ROBBY’S in
deep thought as he listens to an oldie but a goody. He
closes his eyes and sings with the tune. We hear car
horns and drivers cursing at him. ROBBY opens his eyes,
realizes what’s going on, and swerves his steering wheel.
His CD begins to skip. He bangs the car CD player, and it gets
back on track momentarily. it starts to skip on another similar
part. He bangs it several times more but the skipping doesn’t
stop. He angrily rips the CD out of the player and flings it
out the window. As it is traveling it hits someone in the head.
INT. RUEBEN’S MERCURY MILAN – MORNING – SAMETIME
In the car sit RUSTY and RUEBEN. ROBBY MERCY pulls up to the
driver side window, flicks them off and drives away.
26
RUSTY
(to Rueben)
It’s been a long time
Since anyone’s seen
that face around here…
RUEBEN takes this in and looks at RUSTY
RUEBEN
The hell you talking about, you
don’t live here. So who are these
guys and what can they do?
RUSTY looks back at RUEBEN
RUSTY
All in due time Rueben…all in
due time.
RUSTY exits vehicle. RUEBEN follows.
EXT. OUTSIDE JEREMY’S HOUSE – MORNING (ala Four Brothers)
A man with black trench coat and top hat kneels in front of two
little girls
GIRL #1
Your not my uncle, your white.
CUTS TO MICHAEL JACKSON trying to persuade little girls to
come with him
MICHAEL JACKSON
No, no I am.
GIRL #2
Grandma Eve’s white.
GIRL #1
No, but he’s white,
white like if he
made snow angels, we
wouldn’t be able to
find him.
RUSTY and RUEBEN walk over
MICHAEL JACKSON
Come to Neverland with
me I have candy.
RUSTY
Hey…get away…for I
turn you in…God damn
27
pedophile.
MICHEAL JACKSON notices RUSTY. he stands up, lays flat on the
snow and disappears.
ROBBY
What about me Rusty? You
gonna turn me in too?
RUSTY
That depends Robby,
You keepin’ straight?
ROBBY
Of course, but you
know, Jake here is
still a little queer.
RUSTY and ROBBY exchange greetings
RUSTY
(to Jake)
Sorry about your mom,
brother. Give me some
love.
JAKE slips his tongue in RUSTY’S ear when they dap/hug. RUSTY
jumps back.
RUSTY
Hey…
JAKE winks at RUSTY
RUSTY
(to Robby)
You never made it
to the funeral?
ROBBY
I didn’t come back for
no funeral.
RUSTY
Any leads?
ROBBY
I don’t know, we’ve already
torn this town upside down.
RUSTY
Maybe you’re looking in
the wrong place.
28
RUSTY smiles and hands ROBBY a card of some sort. RUSTY and
RUEBEN walk away. cuts to RUEBEN and rusty.
RUEBEN
Where the hell are we going
don’t we need those guys?
RUSTY
Trust me…They’re down.
CUTS BACK to the brothers
JAKE
What the hell…?
JAKE picks up the card
ANGEL
What’s it say?
ROBBY stares at the card and looks up at ANGEL
ROBBY
Call Jeremy.
EXT. OUTSIDE OF AHMED VIDEO STORE – MORNING
JEREMY pulls up to an awaiting JAKE, ROBBY, and ANGEL. JEREMY
gets out of the vehicle and walks towards them.
JEREMY
All right what’s this
all about?
ANGEL
We got a lead from our old
friend Rusty. So we thought
we come down and investigate.
JEREMY
Are you serious—come on now.
ROBBY looks up at JEREMY
ROBBY
You really need to take
some acting lessons Jeremy.
AHMED,30, Arabian, goofy. He walks up to the store front door
as he minds his back continuously looking over his shoulder
back at the four fiddling with his keys. JAKE approaches man
very calm from behind.
29
AHMED
Can I help you gentlemen?
JAKE
If we could please just have a
moment of your…
ROBBY snaps and rushes man up against the door.
ROBBY
Man, open the god damn door.
JAKE and ANGEL grab ROBBY and restrain him.
ANGEL
CALM DOWN ROBBY.
AHMED
You don’t know who
you’re flipping with…
I’m down with O.P.P
ANGEL pulls ROBBY off to the side
JAKE
I apologize sir. Evelyn Mercy
was our mother…
AHMED settles
AHMED
Oh I see…she was a
very nice women.
Polite.Great rack Good
head…
ANGEL
You said what?
AHMED
I said if you want a
snack you can go ahead…
let’s come inside.
INT. AHMED VIDEO STORE – MORNING
The brothers and AHMED stand in the back storage room as
AHMED looks through a catalog of video shelves.
AHMED
A few nights ago a young
Man came in here and sold
me an amateur “Caught on
tape” video. I call it
30
“Road Rage”.
ROBBY and ANGEL exchange a suspicious glance.
AHMED(CONT’D)
When I recognized who
the victim was I thought
it might be of great value
to her family…
JAKE
Why didn’t you just give
it to the cops…
AHMED
Please…cops couldn’t find
tits in a strip joint. Plus…
I’ve got warrants.
AHMED stumbles upon the item.
AHMED
AHA! Here we are?
ROBBY
You found it?
AHMED
What?…no, this is the
Snickers bar I lost
last year!
AHMED takes a bite and wrestles with the rock hard candy. ROBBY
and ANGEL are pissed off.
ANGEL
Hey!…M.Night Shyamalan?
Hurry that shit up.
AHMED notices and looks once more.
AHMED
Ah…here it is.
A video monitor turns on. On the monitor four people sit in a
car. In the driver’s seat, DANNY in the passenger, and EVELYN
MERCY in the back, and a couple of others non-visble to the
camera…it suddenly turns into a cut of AHMED doing a porno. He
screams. Ahmed turns the monitor off, and looks at the brothers.
ROBBY
The guy who sold you this…
would you recognize him if
you see him again?
31
AHMED
Yes…it’s big guy…works
over at the McDonalds.
He never washes his
jacket even with stains
or shit. He is his height
…his weight…
JEREMY is puzzled
JEREMY
What me?
AHMED
Yes, and he has a…you know…
AHMED motions his hands at the top of his head
ANGEL
What a fro? Like an Afro?
Like Ben Wallace the
basketball player?
AHMED
Uh…no.
JAKE
What, like carrot top?
AHMED
No…you know…the…Big mac
Man…Chicken McGriddle Big
and nasty McNugget face…
He continues to motions his hands.
ROBBY
Who the hell could that be?
AHMED
He gave me his information for
compensation purposes…
AHMED hands the brothers the document.
ANGEL
Got somethin’…he lives in the
gardens right over there.
JEREMY raises his eyebrows.
JAKE
Thanks for your help.
32
JEREMY, JAKE and ANGEL exit. ROBBY stares down AHMED as he
walks out. ROBBY bucks at AHMED. AHMED flinches back so hard,
that he knocks down the entire self that’s behind him.
ROBBY exits.
INT. STREET – MORNING - SAMETIME
ROBBY, JAKE, JEREMY, and ANGEL rush out of store on a mission.
ROBBY
That was no road rage
that was an execution…
they set mom up…they
set her up…come on…
They rush forward out of frame. We hear a loud smack. We
pan over to see that they ran straight into a brick wall
at the side of the building. All four lay down flat on the
ground.
INT. ROBBY’S CAR – PARKING LOT OF THE GARDENS – MORNING
ROBBY, JAKE, JEREMY, and ANGEL sitting in ROBBY’S car
JEREMY
Why would someone try
To shoot mom?
ROBBY
Probably the same reason
Why they hired you as an
actor, they were trying
to kill someone.
ANGEL and JAKE laugh
JEREMY
For the last time I do not
look like Andre 3000
ANGEL
You still got some big
ass teeth though.
JAKE
…And Idlewid was some
shit, Percival.
They all laugh.
JEREMY
Alright, enough clowning
33
Around you know I gotta go.
He taps ROBBY shoulder
ROBBY
Alright Jeremy.
JEREMY exits
ANGEL
Alright, Alright…we have
to stay focused…now he
said that he had a shit
stained coat…and somethin’
about a Big and Tasty hold
the pickles, hold the lettuce.
JAKE looks around and realizes
JAKE
Hey that’s him…it’s him!
A man in Hip-Hop street attire with a red afro walks towards the
Gardens Apartment Building with his back to the CAMERA. They all
glance over at him and jump out of the car. He now enters the
apartment building, still not revealing himself, as he pushes the
elevator button. ROBBY, JAKE, and ANGEL all running through
apartment building entrance. Elevator door opens. Mid 20’s man
with white make-up and red lipstick with black eye shadow (like
Ronald Mcdonald) and a laid back expression in his face.
ROBBY
Hey you?
He turns and his laidback expression turns into fright as he sees
ROBBY waving a gun in the air. He jumps on the elevator.
ROBBY
Oh shit!…it is Ronald McDonald!
RONALD stands in the elevator completely tranquil, as he grooves
with the elevator music thinking he’s escaped. He starts to look
around, as we hear noises that seem like their coming from inside
the elevator shaft.
INT. GARDEN’S APARTMENT BUILDING – 6TH FLOOR – MORNING
“Ping” the elevator door opens. RONALD cautiously steps out. He
glances through his surroundings. He thinks that he is completely
alone. He casually walks to his apartment door occasionally
breaking out in a dance move.
A gun is put against RONALD’S smiling face.
34
ROBBY
Get your “we love to see you
smile” ass over here.
RONALD steps backwards to where ROBBY is
ROBBY
Ha, Ha, Ha punk ass gonna
try to run from me…who you
workin’ for…?
RONALD hesitates at first
RONALD
I work at the Mc…
ROBBY
SHUT UP! For I buss a
cap in your bitch ass!
ROBBY pats him down
ROBBY
Now you aint got no gun…
but where the fries at…?
RONALD
I ain’t got no…
ROBBY
SHUT UP!
JAKE and ANGEL that just make it up the stairwell. JAKE sees
ROBBY and runs towards him. ANGEL attempts to run as well but
falls out of exhaustion.
ROBBY
What time McDonalds
close on weekends?
RONALD
I don’t kn…
ROBBY
SAY ANOTHER FLIPPIN’ WORD AND
THIS SHIT IS OVER! AND I AINT
PLAYIN’ NEITHER!
ANGEL is still laid out on the floor
ROBBY
I want you to listen very
carefully…If you don’t tell
35
me what I wanna hear, I’m
turning your lights off…right
now where, in the world is…
(drops to deep tone)
Carmen Sandiego?
RONALD pauses a moment in fright. ROBBY presses the gun on his
face harder expecting an answer
RONALD
Italy?…
ROBBY gets livid and throws a total fit
ROBBY
DIDN’T I SAY…OH…OH…OH
SHIT…SAY IT AGAIN SAY
SOMETHIN ELSE…SAY
SOMETHIN’ ELSE.
JAKE cuts into frame
JAKE
Robby? Wait…
JAKE runs over to ROBBY and tries to detain him
JAKE
Robby…stop put down the
gun…there has to be another
way!
JAKE reasons with ROBBY. ROBBY puts the gun down, as RONALD
flings an open hand back, and smacks JAKE and ROBBY in the
face with the same swing. JAKE desists for a moment.
JAKE
You little bitch…
JAKE and ROBBY knock RONALD to the ground. They begin to stomp
and kick RONALD. The more that they kick him the more fries and
chicken mcnuggets fall out of his pockets. JAKE and ROBBY finish
thrashing him. ROBBY wipes his mouth.
ROBBY
This mother bitch told me
he didn’t have no fries!…I
just wanted to talk you piece
of shit…
ROBBY kicks RONALD again. RONALD is completely flat like a
deflated air mattress. JAKE spits on RONALD.
JAKE
36
Well I guess we can talk
to him now.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT – (ala Four Brothers)
Trunk opens
ROBBY
You should call Rusty and
tell him we’re down. We
need some utilities first.
ROBBY (CONT’D)
(to Angel)
Be careful with my baby.
ROBBY hands ANGEL a sling shot. ANGEL examines it, and is
disgusted.
ANGEL
Man, the hell a look like
Dennis the Menace?
ROBBY snatches back sling shot, and pulls out another item.
ROBBY
What about this?
He hands ANGEL a rocket launcher.
ANGEL
(pointing)
What about that?
ANGEL points in the corner of the trunk. ROBBY notices. ROBBY
pulls out a brick.
ROBBY
What, you want this?
ROBBY hands ANGEL the brick. ROBBY and JAKE just look at ANGEL
ANGEL
What? It worked for
Mark Wahlberg.
ROBBY hands JAKE a gas can
ROBBY
Hold that Jake.
ROBBY goes to close trunk but JAKE holds it open
37
JAKE
Wait…
ROBBY and ANGEL look at JAKE
JAKE
Should we take him with us?
RONALD is tied up on the ground with duct tape on his mouth
squirming around like an insect wrapped up in a spider web.
ROBBY
You know what, we should.
ANGEL, ROBBY, and JAKE all pick up RONALD and toss him into the
trunk. RONALD tries to say something. ROBBY rips the tape off
his mouth to let him speak. RONALD opens his mouth…
RONALD
Fuc…
ROBBY punches him and puts the tape back on his mouth. ROBBY
closes trunk.
EXT. RUEBEN’S COURTYARD – NIGHT – “LOS ANGELES” (ala Ocean’s Eleven)
GEN sits on a lounge chair with headphones listening to rap,
with pen and pad in his hand flowing with the music. DANNY walks
through the patio door to the outside where the other men are.
DANNY
Gentlemen…welcome to Los
Angeles. What I am about
to propose to you is the
dumbest and most illegal
thing you’ll probably hear
this month. If you don’t
give a shit about either
of those…great. If not, you
ain’t gotta go home…but you
gotta get the hell out of
here.
QUICKCUTS around to the group with straight faces
DANNY
Otherwise come with me.
All attendants get up and walk inside of RUEBEN’S mansion.
ROBBY, ANGEL, and JAKE pull into RUEBEN’S driveway. They exit
ROBBY’S car. ROBBY walks back to the trunk, and opens it.
ROBBY drags a heavy, lumpy duffle bag out of his trunk. JAKE
closes trunk. they walk towards RUEBEN’S front door.
38
JAKE
We’re late…
ROBBY
So is your period Jake, who
gives a shit.
INT. RUEBEN’S MANSION – DEN – NIGHT
DANNY stands next to a projector screen mounted on the wall. It
has a power point image of the interior/exterior of three movie
theaters. The three theaters are art deco in design, and
spacious, with movie studio themes. The others sit across from
DANNY some seated some standing.
DANNY
Gentlemen…the Majestic 20,
the American AMC, and the LA
Plaza…together they are the
three most profitable movie
theaters in Los Angeles…we’re
going rob them.
QUICKCUTS around to ROBBY, JAKE then GEN, and BASH EAR
ANGEL
I’m sorry, what are we stealing?
DANNY
Good question…Gentlemen in 1989
Arnold Benedict accepted a movie
budget for “Dark Doom 3”. The
project was shut down after Benedict
filed a bogus law suit against the
company bankrupting it, and some how
$53 million turned up missing. I found
It. It’s been sitting in a bank account…
Compounding interest. That was over 16
years ago. Does anybody have any idea
how much money that is today?
QUICKCUTS around to all the men awaiting elaboration
DANNY
...$396 Million.
QUICKCUTS to men with smiles and anxious expressions. DANNY
clicks the remote at the screen.
DANNY
…The Majestic 20…
the venue where the world
premiere of “Get bitched
or die cryin’” is going to
debut 2 weeks from now.
39
DANNY (CONT’D)
The actual shooting script
written by myself, last year
was ripped off from me, through
an inside man Arnold Benedict
has at the copyright office…so,
naturally…we’ll be stealing the
entire earnings for the opening
night.
JAKE bares a practical grin on his face
DANNY
And finally…the LA plaza.
Depending on the success
of the most world premieres,
they are followed by sequels.
“Get bitched or die cryin’
2” the shooting script, written
by…Filthy Scent himself is in
the vault at the LA plaza…we’ll
be holding it hostage…as a fail
safe.
CUTS TO the group, as they all pause a moment. BASH EAR shakes
his head.
DANNY
Now Arnold Benedict is closing
the American AMC on the night
of the premiere for maintenance,
so there should be no armed
personnel at the facility…Theoretically…
QUICKCUTS around the group.
DANNY
Any questions?
GEN
Yeah…can I have some of what
ever you’re smoking?
RUSTY
(to Gen)
Don’t worry, it’s a lot more
complicated than it sounds.
GEN
No I mean, I couldn’t even
sneak my cameras in any of
those theaters to bootleg…
and you think we can sneak
equipment in to handle a job?
40
PAULKER
(sarcastically)
Like where supposed to just
walk in with all that shit,
right?
They pause, and look at DANNY. DANNY stands there a moment with
eyes shut.
RUSTY
Danny!!
DANNY opens his eyes
DANNY
Yeah.
GEN
Oh…okay…so,
CAMERA PANS into GEN’S face
GEN
What’s the plan?
The brothers duffle bag starts to shake. The group looks over at
the bag, then at the brothers. The brothers act as if they don’t
see or hear a thing.
RUEBEN
What the hell is that?
The bag rips open and RONALD pop up on his feet. He looks around
the room.
GEN
(singing)
That’s my Ronald…McDonald
RONALD punches ROBBY in the face. ROBBY falls back on ANGEL and
JAKE.
RONALD
It’s me you jackass!
ROBBY
Jeremy? What the hell
are you doing?
RONALD
I don’t go by Jeremy
anymore…It’s Ronald.
JAKE
Since when do you work
at McDonalds?
41
RONALD
Since, my business failed.
who would have thought that
hot dog flavored ice cream
would be a bad idea?
PAULKER
(to himself)
I would.
ANGEL
Wait…so you were the one
that had mom’s tape?
RONALD
No, No, No…I sold Ahmed
his porno back. I had to
do anything to get money.
I had no idea mom was on
that tape.
RUEBEN
(loud)
Gentlemen…If you don’t
mind.
The group gets quiet again.
GEN
Yeah, like I was saying.
CAMERA PANS into GEN’S face again
GEN
What’s the plan…
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER – BREAK ROOM – NIGHT (ala Ocean’s Eleven)
DANNY (V.O)
Okay…this is how we’ll begin…
first task…reconnaissance. I
wanna know everything that’s
going on in all three theaters.
the rotation of the employees,
the path of every cash cart…The
color of everyone’s shit turd,
I wanna know how many rats it
has…
Guards in employee break room finish their lunch and talk at the
table. The guards get up, throw they’re lunch away, and exit break
room.
GUARD #1
Filthy Scent is having a
sneak peek of the movie
42
the night before the
premiere, and he has the
nerve to say “P-Unit don’t
need no security”…
We pan out in the break room. A COCA-COLA machine CUTS INTO frame.
The machine starts to shake, as the door swings open. GEN climbs
out of the soda machine, looks around, then exits the break room.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER – CORRIDOR – NIGHT
We pan down with guards walking down the hallway still talking
amongst each other. They pass a decoration plant. We stay with
the plant as the guards walk out of frame. GEN folding branches
down listening in on them with a recording device.
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER – NIGHT
DANNY (V.O)
Most of all I want you guys to
Know these theaters…they were
Built like rat cages to keep
People in…I want you to know
The quick routes out…
A theater guard types in a code sequence on a door. The light on
door turns green. The guard looks over his shoulder, then enters
the room. The door closes. we pan back RONALD enters frame
sitting at a café table holding a mirror in his hand keeping an
eye on the guards activity behind him.
CLOSE ON:
Security door as RONALD makes his way over to it. he looks around
him. he pulls out of his pocket powdered make-up. he blows some of
it on the keypad. the key pad reveals through finger prints the
keys that were pressed. RONALD writes them down on his hand. he
types in a sequence. the light turns red. a guard walks by RONALD.
he starts to put the make-up on his face. the guard looks at him.
he blows a kiss at the guard. the guard gets disgusted and walks
away. he tries another sequence. the light turns green. he smiles
to himself. someone taps him on his shoulder. we see mid 30’s male
lick his lips and puts his finger in his mouth. RONALD shakes his
head “no” and runs away. the man runs after RONALD.
EXT. SIDEWALK IN LOS ANGELES – MORNING
DANNY: (V.O)
Second task power…on the
night of the world premiere
we’re going to throw the
switch on the city of angels,
Bash ear it’s your show.
BASH EAR holds orange cones in his hands walking towards an open
man hole in the street. He directs traffic to drive around him.
43
INT. MACK TRUCK – MORNING – SAMETIME
A truck driver, that is seemingly drowsy, sits in the cockpit of
an eighteen wheeler. BASH EAR signals the truck to drive around
him, but driver doesn’t see him in time. Truck driver picks his
head up and see bash ear.
DRIVER
Oh Shit!
Women in his lap picks up her head
WOMEN #1
What?
The
the
the
EAR
and
truck swerves in the middle of the road. BASH EAR jumps on
sidewalk out of the way. The truck creates a major pile up in
road. We hear a lot of angry voices, cursing and honking. BASH
puts his hands in his pockets, starts to casually whistle,
runs away.
EXT. STREETS OF NEW YORK – MORNING (ala TAXI)
DANNY:(V.O)
Third task…transport. Paulker,
Tyriek. You’re the best in the
business, but for what I have
planned, we’re going to need
another driver…preferably one
with some prior swindle experience.
PAULKER and TYREIK sit in a two door vehicle. PAULKER sucks a
lollipop while they wait across the street from a bank in
Manhattan. We hear the bank alarm go off. A blue BMW pulls up in
front of the bank. PAULKER and TYRIEK get out of the car. Four
women in black suits walk out of bank holding three black bags.
They drop the bags into a trash can. They enter the BMW and drive
off. PAULKER and TYRIEK walk into frame. They look into the trash
can, then look at each other.
EXT. BACK ALLEY – MORNING
The BMW pulls into back alley. The four women get out, and start
taking off their clothes. A closed dumpster starts to peek open.
We see a hobo in the dumpster looking on at the models changing.
women #2 picks up their clothes and puts them in the dumpster.
The hobo sniffs their underwear inside the dumpster. Cuts To
women #3 holding a gas can and a lighter. She throws a gas can
into the dumpster. The hobo bares a terrifying look on his face,
as she throws lighter in the dumpster.
PAULKER and TYRIEK approach the women holding the black bags.
ISABELLA, 27, Brazilian, model, spoofing Gisele Buncheen’s
character from TAXI, notices and pulls her gun. They stop in
44
their tracks and put their hands in the air.
PAULKER
Whoa.
TYRIEK
(lusting)
Whoa, is definitely
not the word
ISABELLA
Who the hell are you?
PAULKER
How would you like to
make five times this.
PAULKER and TYRIEK drop the bags in front of them. ISABELLA
considers. She lowers her gun and smiles.
ISABELLA
Tell me.
The DUMPSTER pops open as the hobo, that’s in flames, jumps out
and runs away. camera pans into PAULKER and TYRIEK.
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER – OPERATION’S SECURITY CENTER – MORNING
DANNY (V.O)
Fourth task…surveillance. Theater
security has an eye and an ear on
everything so we want an eye and an
ear on them…Stanley?
SCENE SHIFTS
INT. RUEBEN’S MANSION - DEN – NIGHT
STANLEY
Well…it’s not the least
Accessible system I’ve
seen…but it’s close…I
don’t suppose they have
a closed circuit feed I
could tap into?
DANNY
No.
STANLEY
Then we’ve got one hell
of a problem.
RUSTY
What’s that?
STANLEY
45
Any one of these random
codes can pop up while
your on the program we
need if your a new user.
The only way to continue
without the system shutting
down is to key in what ever
code it asks for in five
seconds.
RUSTY
That is a problem.
Angel
Well why don’t you just
memorize the codes?
STANLEY
Because there is…
STANLEY keys in his laptop and pressed enter.
STANLEY (CONT’D)
Six thousand, two hundred, and
eleven of them.
DANNY
(turns to Rusty)
Why don’t we just…
RUSTY
In two weeks?…
RUSTY shakes his head, and thinks a moment.
RUSTY
Tessa’s in town.
DANNY
No way man, you know
What happened the last
Time I saw her?
INT. APARTMENT – KITCHEN – NIGHT - FLASHBACK (ala My Super Ex-Girlfriend)
TESSA, 24, pretty, conservative, spoofing Scarlett Johansson’s
character from the Perfect Score. She chops vegetables at a
cutting board. DANNY enters the kitchen. We PAN around the room
as DANNY’S expression gives us the idea that she has re-arranged
everything in the house. We see a picture of DANNY AND TESSA,
written on it says: “TESSA and DANNY till death”. under that it
says: “no, i really mean it…till death”.
DANNY
You know Tessa…I think
it’s time that we reevaluated
46
where this is going.
TESSA stops chopping. She looks up at DANNY
TESSA
Are you breaking up
with me?
DANNY
No…I just think that
we should take some…
TESSA THROWS A MICROWAVE AT DANNY. DANNY DUCKS IT IN TIME
DANNY
What the hell was that?
TESSA
I don’t get dumped!
TESSA rams her head into the refrigerator. It makes a large dent
and the door falls off. DANNY backs up against the wall. Cuts To
TESSA opening a knife drawer. She throws all of the blades at
DANNY. He dodges those as well. DANNY looks back at the wall
behind him. The knives spell out: “screw you”. DANNY looks back,
as TESSA blows him to the ground. DANNY goes flying back.
TESSA
You are so gonna
regret this.
TESSA raises her arms up, and flies through DANNY’S ceiling.
DANNY gets up and looks through the hole.
DANNY
Oh shit.
We hear a loud thump! We hear TESSA falling from a high distance.
TESSA falls back into DANNY’S kitchen.
DANNY
I was going to
tell you…concrete
roof!
TESSA gets up.
TESSA
That’s fine. I’ll take
the stairs.
She walks towards the door. She walks back.
TESSA
EY-YAA!
TESSA head butts DANNY, as he falls out of frame. TESSA walks
towards the door and exits
47
INT. RUEBEN’S MANSION - DEN – NIGHT
QUICKCUTS around the group
RUSTY
Well.
DANNY
We can try to get the
codes from the security
office.
RUSTY
No good. Everybody that
knows them has been working
for Arnold Benedict for over
a decade…they have them all
memorized.
STANLEY
Back to square one…unless we
can get someone that already
knows the system well enough…
RUSTY
(looking at Danny)
I hate to be the one to
say it Danny…
DANNY
Then don’t…
RUEBEN
Say what?
RUSTY
We need Tessa.
RUEBEN
Tessa?…Tessa Benedict?
…Benedict’s daughter?
RUSTY
…Without Tessa there’s
no plan…
RUEBEN
Are you freakin’ crazy? We
mind as well call the whole
thing off…why would she wanna
double cross her father?
RUSTY looks up at RUEBEN
RUSTY
…What’d you just say?
48
RUEBEN
I said why would Tessa wanna
double cross Benedict?
RUSTY
Hang on a minute.
RUSTY pauses, as we cut to the other men awaiting RUSTY’S
response. It comes to him.
RUSTY
We could use a peach.
RUEBEN
The hell is a peach?
DANNY
Why would a peach be
necessary now?
RUSTY
Think about it…what’s
the one thing that
Tessa can’t stand?
DANNY
Me.
RUSTY
I was gonna say not getting
attention but yeah she can’t
stand you either.
DANNY shrugs his shoulders
RUSTY
You see one of the things
that Tessa hates the most
is competition. She always
drove every women away that
has even come close to her
father, that’s why he still
is single.
RUEBEN
So?
RUSTY
So, a peach, is a women that
is irresistible to all men,
so there’s no question rather
or not she will have Benedict
wrapped around her finger. She
49
would take up his time, keep
him occupied…he’ll completely
ignore Tessa…
DANNY
And Tessa’s not the type
of girl that gets mad…
she gets even.
RUSTY
Exactly.
DANNY thinks a moment
DANNY
I think it’ll work.
RUEBEN
Okay…but where we gonna
get a women like that?
Jessica Simpson’s on tour.
CAMERA PUSHES into STANLEY’S face looking on at the conversation
STANLEY
I might know someone.
The group looks at STANLEY wondering.
EXT. MANSION BALCONY – MORNING (ala Swordfish)
STANLEY opens the balcony door and steps out. He closes the
door after him. He approaches something that is not revealed
to the audience yet. He keeps walking, and clears his throat.
STANLEY
Ginger?
GINGER KNOWSALL, 31, very sexy, spoofing Halle Berry’s character
from Swordfish. She reads a Vibe magazine covering her upper
body. When she overhears STANLEY, the magazine drops. She has on
a bikini top.
GINGER
Oh…hey Stanley.
STANLEY pauses
STANLEY
Uh…aren’t you forgetting
something?
GINGER
50
Huh?…oh, of course…
She slowly takes off her bikini top. CAMERA ANGLE is behind
GINGER obviously her bikini top is off and her breasts are
being exposed TO STANLEY.
STANLEY
That’s better, listen…I
Need your help. I’m helping
some guys do a job in LA
and we could really use your
assistance.
GINGER
What kind of job?
STANLEY
I’ll explain later…hurry
up we’re taking your car.
STANLEY turns and heads for the door
GINGER
Hold on Stanley.
STANLEY turns back around
STANLEY
Yeah?
MUSIC BEGINS (“BUTTONS” by The Pussycat Dolls)
GINGER
Could you help me with
Something?…I mean it’s
just so hot out here…and
it’s so hard to keep cool.
GINGER spreads honey over her neck and body. STANLEY swallows
hard. GINGER holds an enticing expression on her face calling
him over with one finger. STANLEY shakes his head “no”. GINGER
shakes her head “yes”. STANLEY shakes “no”. GINGER reaches down
out of camera frame, and pulls up her bikini bottom, swinging it
around her finger. Then she motions her finger to him again. He
follows with no problem.
MUSIC ENDS
STANLEY stands in the middle of the balcony floor. GINGER with
her bikini top on, focusing on STANLEY. It was a daydream.
GINGER
You we’re saying something?
STANLEY
51
Huh?
GINGER
A job?…What kind of job?
STANLEY
(Stuttering)
I’ll explain later. Come on
let’s take your car
STANLEY turns around, bangs into a side table, trips over a
lounge chair and falls over balcony. GINGER Gets up and looks
over balcony rail.
GINGER
STANLEY!
STANLEY is laid out on the ground covered in sand not moving a
muscle.
STANLEY
I’m good…I’m good.
INT. RUEBEN’S MANSION – DEN –MORNING
The men are playing cards in RUEBEN’S den. QUICKCUTS to all that
have their poker faces on.
RUEBEN
Got any threes?
RONALD
Go fish.
The door opens, as all men turn to the door. RUSTY gets up and
walks over to the door, as STANLEY enters.
RUSTY
Well…what happened?
STANLEY
With what?
RUSTY looks at RUEBEN and goes to sit back down
STANLEY
Oh the…
RUEBEN
Yeah.
STANLEY partially leans out the door, and speaks unclearly.
RUEBEN, RUSTY, and DANNY await the a bombshell.
STANLEY
52
Gentlemen…I’d like you to
meet Ginger Knowsall.
MUSIC BEGINS (“BOSSY” by Kelis)
GINGER enters with a stunning red dress (Halle Berry’s ensemble
from “Swordfish”). She stands and poses. RUSTY and RUEBEN nod at
each other, music stops.
GEN
We need to test her on a gay
guy…someone call Simon Cowell.
EXT. BENEDICT’S MANSION – MORNING (ala The Italian Job)
A white unmarked van pulls up onto prelude of BENEDICT’S mansion.
The van parks behind a NETROM cable van.
OPERATOR (V.O)
Netrom cable how can I help you?
GUARD #1(V.O)
Yeah, I’m here up at 3320 east
galaxy place, and the cable has
just gone out, our modem. Everything.
GINGER and RUSTY exit the unmarked van and discreetly enter
the NETROM cable van.
OPERATOR (V.O)
Okay sir, I have a Thursday
between nine and three If
that would be good?
GUARD #1 (V.O)
That’s gonna work…thank you.
STANLEY
I knocked out the cable
around 9:56…the guard
just called the cable
company…that’s our in…
RUSTY
What times the appointment?
STANLEY
Thursday between 9 and 3.
ANGEL pulls out a cellular phone and dials. He puts the phone to
his ear and looks at GINGER and RUSTY not paying attention to
him.
53
EXT. GUARD TOWER – MORNING – SAMETIME
CUTS TO GUARD WATCHING JERRY SPRINGER. WE HEAR THE PHONE RING.
GUARD PICKS UP PHONE. INTERCUT BETWEEN ANGEL AND GUARD.
GUARD #1
Hello?
ANGEL
Yeah, we over here at
the um…the god damn um
…Netcom cable place. I
heard ya’ll nigga’s
hook-up was out and
ya’ll want us to pop
up on Thursday?
GUARD #1
Excuse me?
RUSTY snatches the phone from ANGEL. RUSTY scowls at him
RUSTY
We have a technician that’s
working in your area and
finished with their appointment
earlier than expected…will
someone be there for the next
hour?
GUARD #1
Sure that be great.
RUSTY
Great our technician will
see you then. Have a nice
day.
RUSTY hangs up phone and looks at ANGEL.
RUSTY
What the hell was that?
ANGEL shrugs his shoulders
STANLEY
(to Ginger)
Here’s all the paper
work you’ll need…just
have him sign and date
it.
STANLEY hands clipboard documents to GINGER
54
GINGER
So what exactly do I do.
RUSTY
Ginger…we need Tessa Benedict
on our crew, now that only way
that’s going to happen is if
you threaten her…
GINGER
What you want me to beat
the bitches ass?
RUSTY
No…what we mean is…we
need you to date her
father…keep him occupied
and don’t give Tessa any
time with him…you know,
make her jealous.
GINGER
(doubtful)
And that will make her
join your crew?
RUSTY
It’s worth a shot.
STANLEY
If not…then you can
whoop her ass.
GINGER
Well can I at least know
what I’m going up against…
STANLEY and RUSTY exchange glances. RUSTY moves towards video
monitors.
RUSTY
Ginger…meet Arnold Benedict…
MUSIC BEGINS (“I’m too Sexy” by Right said Fred )
INT. VIDEO MONITOR SCREEN
ARNOLD BENEDICT, 42, (Charlie Sheen) raises out of his bed and
yawns.
RUSTY (v.o)
…every morning he wakes
up at 9:30 sharp.
55
BENEDICT starts to dance in his underwear. He dances his way to
the bathroom. He dances while he brushes his teeth. He dances his
way into the shower.
RUSTY (V.O)
He hops in the shower
at about 9:33…he spends
about 15 minutes in there…
BENEDICT dances in the shower rhythmically smacking his soap
soaked butt.
RUSTY (V.O)
…at about 9:48, he heads down
stairs…he eats the same thing
every morning…7 pancakes…9
sausages…6 strips of bacon
…and eggs.
BENEDICT at breakfast table with TESSA. He eats in fast motion.
TESSA, with coffee cup in hand, frozen in place as she watches
BENEDICT devour the truck load of grub.
RUSTY (V.O)
…He finishes eating at
about 9:56…then he’s off
to living room where he
turns on “Good Morning
America”…
BENEDICT turning on television. Television is just static.
BENEDICT is livid, as he picks up phone and yells a minute. He
throws the phone back down.
EXT. OUTSIDE BENEDICT’S MANSION
MUSIC FADES WITH AN ECHO.
RUSTY (v.o)
…and that’s where we got
him. Your going in as a
cable girl…your mission
is to seduce him.
INT. NETROM CABLE VAN – MORNING
QUICKCUTS TO GINGER, RUSTY, AND STANLEY
STANLEY
Well…now you know.
GINGER sits their a moment still as a deer in truck headlights.
ANGEL
This should be easy for
56
you…didn’t you win “Flavor
of Love”?…
EXT. FLAV’S FOYER IN HIS MANSION – NIGHT – (Flashback)
GINGER and NEW YORK, weird, dramatic, black female standing
parallel to each other.
FLAVA FLAV
I think I’m gonna roll
with Ginger, New York.
NEW YORK stands next to GINGER and looks over at her disgusted.
NEW YORK gets livid, she runs around the room screaming, and
throwing things. QUICKCUTS to FLAVA FLAV, BIG ROCK, and GINGER
looking on at her tantrum.
NEW YORK
I don’t care…I don’t
want you anyway, I’m
not going anywhere I’m
staying right here! Your
time is up.
She continues to ramble as FLAVA FLAV turns to BIG ROCK.
FLAVA FLAV
Take care of this for
me Rock.
BIG ROCK walks outside. NEW YORK still talks smack to FLAVA
FLAV, as GINGER looks on in dismay. BIG ROCK comes back inside
with the dinosaur from FLAV’S front yard. BIG ROCK walks over to
NEW YORK and smacks her with the lizard making a loud crack! NEW
YORK lays flat on the ground, as her hair crawls away.
INT. NETROM CABLE VAN – MORNING
ANGEL
If you can roll wit a
black skid mark, you
can definitely hold
down Arnold Benedict.
GINGER hesitates a minute
GINGER
All right…whatever it
takes…I’m in
RUSTY
Great.
57
EXT. GATE AT GUARD TOWER – MORNING
Netrom cable truck pulls up to gate rail. Guard approaches the
van from the tower. GINGER rolls down her window. She gives the
guard a seductive look. The guard is mesmerized.
GUARD #1
…May I…May I see some
I.D please?
GINGER slowly reaches down for I.D while still locking eyes with
the guard. She begins to smile at the guard, as he smiles back.
GINGER
(Sexy)
Here you go.
Guard is holding the I.D in his hand…though not looking at it.
The I.D has a picture of very obese Caucasian male with thick
beard and handle bar mustache. He holds it for a minute, making
eye contact with her, then gives it back to her. He walks back to
the watch tower. GINGER still obtains a seductive look. He opens
the gate as she blows him a kiss, and drives off.
EXT. BENEDICT’S MANSION – DRIVEWAY – MORNING (ala The Italian Job)
GINGER pulls up into driveway and parks.
GINGER
(on earpiece)
Okay, guys…I’m in.
STANLEY (v.o)
Fantastic.
Moments later, two Rottweilers jump up on the side of the van.
They bark viciously. She exits the van, and pets the dogs on
the head kissing for them. The dogs stop barking and become very
friendly. BENEDICT walks outside.
BENEDICT
Hey…what the hell’s going
on…
Both dogs humping her leg.
BENEDICT (CONT’D)
(to dogs)
Get in the house…hey…now…
The dogs begin to growl at BENEDICT. GINGER convinces them
to go into the house. BENEDICT looks up and is stunned.
GINGER
It’s okay…I love all dogs.
58
BENEDICT
Have we met before?
GINGER
Yeah.
BENEDICT wonders
GINGER (v.o)
I’m that girl from your
dreams
BENEDICT smiles.
BENEDICT
Oh really…
BENEDICT and GINGER just lock eyes a minute
GINGER
You wanna show me to
that problem?
BENEDICT glances at the cable truck
BENEDICT
Sure.
INT. BENEDICT’S MANSION
GINGER and BENEDICT walk through front door.
GINGER
(in a gasp)
Your house is so beautiful!
BENEDICT
Thank you…I’m glad you like
it…maybe you can visit some
other time.
GINGER
Maybe I can spend the night.
BENEDICT
I knew it was going
to be a good day.
TESSA enters entrance hall.
TESSA
Daddy…is…this the cable guy?
TESSA gives GINGER a dirty look. GINGER just smiles back
59
at TESSA.
GINGER
Hi, I’m Ginger…
She shakes TESSA’S hand. TESSA looks and GINGER’S shirt. She
notices GINGER’S name tag that says “LARRY”.
TESSA
Ginger huh?…who’s Larry?
GINGER’S smile slightly descends. They exchange moderate
expressions.
GINGER
(to Benedict)
Why don’t you show me
to that problem?
BENEDICT
Sure…follow me.
BENEDICT leads the way to the living room, as GINGER follows. She
looks back at TESSA and gives her a scowl. TESSA preserves a look
of suspicion.
INT. BENEDICT’S LIVING ROOM
BENEDICT walks over to living room table, picks up remote
controller, and turns the television on. The television has a
mute static.
BENEDICT
It just went out this
morning.
TESSA hides behind a wall from 2nd floor monitoring BENEDICT and
GINGER’S activity. GINGER slowly grabs the remote out of
BENEDICT’S hand.
GINGER
Sometimes there’s no problem
at all…sometimes you just have
to rub it the right way.
GINGER strokes the remote control between her breast area. CAMERA
PANS up to GINGER’S lips. BENEDICT stares at her lips, as she
licks them.
GINGER
…and then when it’s ready
…it will do it on it’s own.
TESSA has a look of critical disbelief.
60
TESSA
(to herself)
What the hell?
GINGER and BENEDICT lock eyes. They slowly look like they’re
moving in for a kiss.
INT. NETROM CABLE VAN
RUSTY
(to Stanley)
Turn it back on…now, now…
STANLEY rapidly types on laptop.
INT. BENEDICT’S LIVING ROOM – MORNING
They are moving closer and closer to each other. BENEDICT with
his eyes closed, and GINGER with her eyes wide open with worry.
The television turns on. GINGER and BENEDICT stop what they’re
doing and look around. TESSA stands in back of them holding
television remote in hand.
TESSA
It looks fine to me.
BENEDICT
(to Tessa)
You have no idea.
GINGER
Well this was fun…we
should do this again
sometime.
GINGER takes out a pen. She takes BENEDICT’S hand and writes on
it. TESSA squints her eyes in incredulity. BENEDICT giggles to
himself. GINGER hands him documents to sign, and he signs them.
While still staring at TESSA, she gets up and heads for the
door. She turns back to BENEDICT.
GINGER
See you soon?
BENEDICT
Definitely
GINGER blows him a kiss and keeps walking. She passes TESSA on
her way to the door.
GINGER
(to Tessa)
What was your name?
…Algebra Test?
61
TESSA smiles
TESSA
It was nice to meet
you…Cinnamon.
They exchange smirks
GINGER
See you soon.
MUSIC BEGINS (“Do Something” by Britney Spears)
GINGER exits the door closes right behind her. TESSA heavily
sighs
INT. BENEDICT’S MANSION – MORNING – DAYS LATER – MUSIC CONTINUES
The door opens right after it closes instantaneously. GINGER
enters arm and arm with BENEDICT. They walk passed TESSA sitting
on a couch reading a book. TESSA puts her book down and looks
into kitchen. GINGER is feeding BENEDICT strawberries. Their
commotion is loud enough to drive TESSA to madness. BENEDICT
walks GINGER to the door. GINGER gives BENEDICT a long kiss,
while looking at TESSA. TESSA takes this in frustrated, as GINGER
exits. BENEDICT closes door after her.
INT. BENEDICT’S MANSION – NEXT NIGHT - MUSIC CONTINUES
Door opens as soon as it closes
enters with stunning red dress,
watching television. She double
head. BENEDICT and GINGER exit.
gets up from couch.
from previous night. GINGER
while TESSA sits on couch
takes at GINGER and shakes her
TESSA hesitates a moment and
EXT. RESTAURANT - VALET AREA – NIGHT - MUSIC CONTINUES
A red Lamborghini pulls into the valet station in front of a
Restaurant in Los Angeles. BENEDICT exits the car. He walks over
to the passenger side door. He opens the door for GINGER, as
GINGER exits. BENEDICT hands valet car keys, as they walk into
the restaurant. TESSA momentarily pulls up in silver convertible
Lexus.
INT. SILVER CONVERTIBLE LEXUS – NIGHT
TESSA sits in her car, in the parking lot. She’s looking through
binoculars in the restaurant window. BENEDICT and GINGER are
seated. They sit talking a minute. BENEDICT reaches in his
pocket. He pulls out a case of some sort. He opens it. It’s a
ring. GINGER gets excited. TESSA lets her binoculars down slowly.
She throws a fit in car and speeds off.
MUSIC FADES out with an echo
62
EXT. RUEBEN’S BACKYARD – BASKETBALL COURT – NIGHT
DANNY, RUEBEN, RUSTY, and GEN play basketball on RUEBEN’S NBA
size outdoor basketball quad. DANNY’S cell phone rings. DANNY
shoots the basketball and runs over to his phone and picks it up.
INTERCUT between DANNY and TESSA.
DANNY
Hello…
INT. BENEDICT’S MANSION – TESSA’S BEDROOM
TESSA
…I wanna see my fathers
face when we rip off his
theaters.
EXT. RUEBEN’S BACKYARD – BASKETBALL COURT
DANNY
What do you mean?
INT. BENEDICT’S MANSION – TESSA’S BEDROOM
TESSA
You don’t have to play
dumb Danny, Rusty told
me everything. I’m in.
She hangs up phone.
EXT. RUEBEN’S BACKYARD – BASKETBALL COURT
DANNY looks at his phone, then to RUEBEN and RUSTY
DANNY
Tessa’s in…
He hangs up phone
RUEBEN
Well, alright! It’s a
go then.
RUEBEN checks ball with DANNY.
RUSTY
Are you sure you don’t
want me to guard him, Danny?
DANNY turns to RUSTY.
63
DANNY
I got this Russ relax
RUEBEN takes his shirt off. DANNY returns the ball to RUEBEN
while still facing RUSTY. He turns back to RUEBEN, as RUEBEN
jumps up for a shot attempt. We run in slow motion, as RUEBEN’S
wet stomach smears all over DANNY’S face while he reacts
accordingly (ala Along came Polly)
MUSIC SCORE BEGINS
EXT. LA PLAZA PARKING LOT – MORNING
A BHL van pull into La Plaza parking lot and parks.
DANNY (v.o)
Okay, fifth task…intelligence.
We need to get a blueprint
Interior of the La Plaza…Tessa?
It’s up to you.
INT. BHL VAN
In the truck sit STANLEY, TESSA, DANNY, PAULKER and TYRIEK.
TYRIEK
Nah, nah why does it
gotta be up to her?
DANNY sighs
DANNY
Does your father own the
building?
TYRIEK hesitates, as PAULKER elbows TYRIEK and shakes his head.
TESSA looks over at PAULKER and TYRIEK.
DANNY
(to Tessa)
Stanley hooked us up with a
mic-robe 16
DANNY pulls out a shirt pin
DANNY (v.o)
…this is a device that
can scan it’s entire
surroundings, when
voice activated, making
a 3-D replica of the
operation’s vault here
on Stanley’s laptop.
64
PAULKER
So what do we do?
TESSA pulls out a brown box. She opens it and takes out two shirt
uniforms.
TESSA
You’re BHL delivery drivers.
PAULKER and TYRIEK glance at each other.
TESSA
You’re delivering “Get
bitched or die cryin’”
along with 3 other films.
MUSIC SCORE FADES OUT
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER MAIN LOBBY (ala The Perfect Score)
TESSA walks over to the operation’s door holding clip board in
hand. PAULKER and TYRIEK soon follow rolling delivery dollies.
PAULKER and TYRIEK walk into elevator.
TESSA
BHL Delivery, services the
entire building…They change
driver’s almost on a regular
basis…they won’t know you, so
just act like you own the place.
TYRIEK
That’s easy for you to
say, you do.
TESSA
Do you wanna know what
we’re up against of not?
…you’ll be fine
Elevator door closes while TESSA gives them a discomforting
smile.
INT. ELEVATOR
PAULKER and TYRIEK exchange glances, then face front. TYRIEK
looks back at PAULKER.
TYRIEK
Who’s hotter, Tessa or Gin…
PAULKER
(confident)
Ginger.
65
PAULKER looks back at TYRIEK
INT. OPERATION’S ROOM
PAULKER and TYRIEK walk down the main hallway discreetly passing
employees. Front desk employee double takes, as PAULKER and
TYRIEK make eye contact, but try to keep moving.
FRONT DESK EMPLOYEE
Excuse me?…May I help you?
PAULKER and TYRIEK stop rolling the dollies. TYRIEK gets
frustrated and sighs
TYRIEK
It’s cause we’re black.
Front desk employee awaiting a response. PAULKER and TYRIEK look
at each other in a loss for words. GEN walks into frame dressed
in mail uniform pushing mail cart.
GEN
Uh…these are the new
BHL slaves…you forgot
your badges…
PAULKER and TYRIEK look at GEN, then look at front desk employee
FRONT DESK EMPLOYEE
Okay…sign in.
INT. OPERATIONS HALLWAY DOUBLE DOOR ENTRANCE
PAULKER, TYRIEK, and GEN come through the double doors. They roll
delivery dollies and mail cart fast down the hallway. GEN sticks
his foot out, as TYRIEK trips over his foot and falls. PAULKER
and GEN turn into the second door on the right. TYRIEK gets up
and enters the door. GEN peeks his head outside the door, and
look both ways.
INT. MAILROOM
GEN shuts the door, and locks it.
PAULKER
Man, where the hell did
you come from?
GEN shrugs off his mail uniform
GEN
Didn’t Danny tell you?…I’m
the master of disguise.
66
PAULKER looks at TYRIEK. He shakes his head, as GEN unloads the
mail cart. He throws all the packages he has in the cart on the
floor. He rips the material up on the floor of the cart. PAULKER
and TYRIEK coming closer as GEN reaches for the bottom of the
cart.
GEN
Vuala!
Tools and equipment are discreetly packed together at the bottom
of the cart.
PAULKER
I guess we did just walk
in…didn’t we?
PAULKER, TYRIEK, and GEN all smile at each other. Cuts Back to
tools and equipment
INT. RUEBEN’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
ROBBY, JAKE, ANGEL, and RONALD enter the basement door. They walk
down the stairs, and approach STANLEY.
JAKE
You wanted to see us.
STANLEY spins around on his chair
STANLEY
We’ve got a problem.
EXT. RUEBEN’S MANSION
CAMERA CUTS to the outside of RUEBEN’S mansion emphasizing the
passing of time.
INT. RUEBEN’S BASEMENT
QUICKCUTS AROUND TO ALL THE BROTHERS IN SILENCE. CUTS TO STANLEY.
ANGEL
So, What your saying is…
If Filthy Scent is at the
premiere while we’re robbing
It, you think Benedict is going
to call our bluff.
STANLEY
Precisely.
ROBBY
That’s an easy one fellas.
JAKE
We do it some other night,
67
Right?
ROBBY
Wait, Jake…slow down you’re
Looking at this the wrong
way, this is good news for us.
STANLEY
Well how do you figure that?
ROBBY
We need to take out Filthy
Scent before the world premiere.
What better way to do that, then
to get him in an excluded area
where no one can hear him scream.
JAKE thinks a moment, then comes to a realization
JAKE
At the sneak peek.
ROBBY
You got it. It’s open
season gentlemen, and
we’re hunting gorillas.
EXT. LA PLAZA THEATER PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A red HUMMER on 24’s pulls into the parking lot of the LA PLAZA.
FILTHY SCENT, TOMMY YOYO, LLOYD SPANX, and YOUNGSUCK exit the
vehicle. We PAN BACK and see ROBBY, ANGEL, JAKE, AND RONALD
sitting in ROBBY’S car.
INT. ROBBY’S CAR
ANGEL
There they go.
ROBBY
Let’s go.
They exit ROBBY’S car.
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER - AUDITORIUM 1 - NIGHT
FILTHY SCENT and the P-UNIT sit in a lit auditorium, waiting for
“GET BITCHED OR DIE CRYIN’” to begin. FILTHY SCENT gets restless.
FILTHY SCENT
What the hell is taking
so damn long, son?
TOMMY YOYO
Why don’t you go up
there and regulate
Filthy?
68
FILTHY SCENT
But that might actually
entail physical a
confrontation…
LLYOD SPANX:
I thought we was gangsta
Filthy?
FILTHY SCENT convinces himself.
FILTHY SCENT
(enthusiastically)
Oh yeah…Yeah…I keep
forgetting.
LLYOD SPANX
I question you sometimes
Filthy.
FILTHY SCENT
You know this isn’t really
me. I wanna come out the
closet man.
LLOYD SPANX, TOMMY YOYO, and YOUNGSUCK move over a seat. FILTHY
SCENT moves over with them.
FILTHY SCENT
No, not like that man
Damn…although, I do like
long walks on the beach,
fluffy pillows…
LLOYD SPANX, TOMMY YOYO, and YOUNGSUCK with a look of disbelief.
FILTHY SCENT (CONT’D)
(Singing)
…And I wanna be the reason
You smile…
LLOYD SPANX, TOMMY YOYO, and YOUNGSUCK are frozen solid.
TOMMY YOYO
(sarcastically)
I’m starting to think
That you were in love
With Ja Rule…
TOMMY YOYO laughs to himself. FILTHY SCENT stares at TOMMY YOYO
with a straight face. TOMMY YOYO double takes at FILTHY.
TOMMY YOYO
Oh, hell nah man. I
knew you was a fruity
loop, that’s why you
69
got all those colors
on your tank top.
FILTHY SCENT
What?
TOMMY YOYO
Who’s hotter Halle Berry,
or Eric Benet?
FILTHY SCENT
Eric with of without
dreads?
All three of them look over at FILTHY
FILTHY SCENT
Let’s just go see what’s
going on man.
FILTHY SCENT, TOMMY YOYO, LLYOD SPANX, and YOUNGSUCK get up and
exit the theater.
INT. RUEBEN’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
TESSA, DANNY, RUSTY, BASH EAR, STANLEY, PAULKER, TYRIEK, and GEN,
as RUEBEN enters.
RUEBEN
So everything is straight?
The mission is a go?
STANLEY
Yeah. We’re just about ready.
RUEBEN slaps his hands together and rubs them firmly. RUEBEN
looks around the room. GEN changes from his casual clothes into
an all black outfit with his headphones in his ears.
RUEBEN
Are we missing someone?
STANLEY
If you’re referring to the
brothers they had a prior
engagement with other certain
thieves.
TESSA
Wait, it’s the night before
The premiere…
STANLEY
Don’t worry. They’ll be
back, they only went to
Detroit.
70
TESSA
Detroit! Who’s gonna take
the LA Plaza with me?
DANNY
I’ll do it.
TESSA looks at DANNY. TESSA looks around the room.
TESSA
Where the hell did
they go?
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER – PROJECTION ROOM – NIGHT
FILTHY SCENT, LLYOD SPANX, TOMMY YOYO, and YOUNGSUCK get off an
elevator, and walk towards the projection reel. They turn a
corner and see the projectionist tied up with tape on his mouth.
They make their way over to the projectionist. FILTHY SCENT rips
the tape off of his mouth.
FILTHY SCENT
What happened?
PROJECTIONIST
These four guys came
up here and roughed
me up.
CAMERA PANS into FILTHY SCENT’S worried expression.
PROJECTIONIST
They left you a note.
The projectionists points to a projection reel. FILTHY SCENT
makes his way over to the reel. The reel is cut, running with
a note attached to it. FILTHY SCENT snatches the note from the
reel and reads it.
TOMMY YOYO
What’s going on Filthy?
FILTHY SCENT picks his head up from reading the note. He turns to
TOMMY YOYO, LLOYD SPANX, and YOUNGSUCK.
FILTHY SCENT
They found me.
INT. RUEBEN’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
STANLEY, RUEBEN, RUSTY, BASH EAR, PAULKER, TYRIEK, TESSA, and
DANNY still stand around the room in disorganization
PAULKER
What do you mean other
thieves?
71
STANLEY
They believe that the
P-Unit has the answers
to Evelyn Mercy’s decease,
and they went to go beat it
out of them.
RUSTY nods towards outside to DANNY. DANNY notices, as they both
exit through patio door. They look back at the others. TESSA
looking around the room.
TESSA
Wait…where the hell is
Gen?
An open window attracts TESSA’S attention
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER – NIGHT
QUICKCUTS around the empty lobby of the American AMC. A security
guard casually walks around, patrolling the hallways. We pan down
with the guard as he walks passed a pillar, and continues. He
walks passed another pillar and continues. He walks passed
another pillar, GEN posts against this pillar staying out of
sight. The security guard continues down the hallway swinging his
night stick. GEN takes off running up the hallway parallel to the
pillars. He comes to a door that requires a key card. GEN pauses,
and feels around on his pockets. He realizes he doesn’t have it.
GEN
Shit.
The guard stops in his tracks. GEN panics, running out of ideas,
as TESSA swipes her keycard from inside the door. She pulls GEN
into the room. Security guard turns around. TESSA lays on top of
GEN on the other side of the door. Guard looks around in
suspicion. GEN cracks a smile as TESSA notices. Guard goes on
about his business, as TESSA pops her head up to check if the
coast is clear. The guard is no where in sight. TESSA and GEN get
up.
TESSA
What the hell was the
last thing I said to
you?
GEN
Pass the Cheetos.
TESSA
Oh.
GEN
Where the hell did you
come from?
72
TESSA
(Smiling)
What? You’re not happy
to see me?
She pauses and looks down on GEN
TESSA(cont’d)
He is…
GEN’S looks down at his crotch and notices, he has a bulge. He
tries to fix it but falls to the ground.
EXT. RUEBEN’S PATIO – NIGHT
DANNY and RUSTY exit through patio door. They close the door after
themselves.
RUSTY
Tell me that this is not
about her…Tell me that
this is about her or I am
walking…I am walking off
this job right now.
DANNY
It’s not about her…it’s
Not entirely about her…
Russ do you remember when
we got into this business
we said that we were going
to play it like we have…
RUSTY
(with Danny)
…nothing to lose
DANNY (cont’d)
Well I lost something…
RUSTY
So now were stealing two
things. And when push
comes to shove, if you
can’t have both, which are
you going to choose? And
remember, Eleanor doesn’t
split 14 ways…
DANNY
You mean Evelyn…
RUSTY
No, I clearly said Eleanor?
73
DANNY
Who the hell is Eleanor?
RUSTY points behind DANNY, as DANNY turns
RUSTY
Eleanor.
In the distance the Gold SHELBY GT MUSTANG from “Gone In Sixty
Seconds”. DANNY squints his eyes and looks back at RUSTY.
DANNY
No…dumb ass, Evelyn Mercy.
RUSTY
So this is all because
of Evelyn?
DANNY
Something like that? Look
here’s what happened.
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER – NIGHT
GEN and TESSA run down a hallway coming to another door. TESSA
pulls out a key ring with several keys on it.
GEN
What are you a janitor?
TESSA
I will be when I mop the
floor up with your greasy
ass.
GEN
Oh…I see you got some
Fi-yah! (fire)
TESSA smiles at GEN.
TESSA
We’re about to go into the
Operation’s complex… so,
watch out there’s plenty of
trip wire and motion censors…
GEN
Hey I’m the ghost man!
The door opens, and they enter
EXT. RUEBEN’S PATIO
74
DANNY
So that’s basically what
happened.
RUSTY
Why haven’t you told the
brothers that? Clear your
name.
DANNY
It’s pathetic.
RUSTY
Yeah, you’re right, it is.
But let’s finish the job
worry about this later
DANNY
Yeah.
Danny and Rusty exit
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER OPERATIONS CENTER (ala Ocean’s Twelve)
GEN runs ahead of TESSA, as TESSA closes a door behind her. GEN
comes to a corner. GEN peeks his head around the corner, suddenly
turns the corner in confidence, and smiles.
GEN
Now that’s what I’m talking
about.
As we PAN away from the area in front of the operation’s door,
random setting laser trip wires go back and forth. GEN puts on his
headphones and starts to break dance through them. TESSA walks
into frame. She looks at GEN dancing and dodging the beams, and
realizes.
TESSA
No, Gen? those are decoration
beams.
She motions for his attention more, and gives up. She walks
passed GEN stepping through the laser beams letting him know
that they’re not motion censors. He keeps maneuvering with his
eyes on the floor. She walks passed him and shakes her head. She
gets up to the operations door. She types in a four digit code
sequence. The door opens, and she looks back at GEN. He is still
dancing around the beams. She shakes her head and enters room.
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER LOBBY
A security guard approaches a vending machine. He puts in one
dollar, and presses “D4”. The M&M’s bag starts to drop, but a
mechanical arm catches it and puts it back. Security guard
notices and bangs the machine.
75
SECURITY GUARD
Hey! Give me my candy!
The vending machine screen displays in flowing words: “It’s my
candy nigga”. The guard takes this in.
SECURITY GUARD
…Well then give me back
my money…
Vending machine screen reads: “It’s my
guard gets upset, and walks away. Cuts
says: “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha”…The guard comes
To the screen that says: “Oh shit”…The
Glass covering, snatches all the candy
walks away.
money too, bitch”…Security
Back to the screen that
back with a fire axe. Cuts
guard smashes in the
from the machine, and
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER OPERATION’S ROOM – NIGHT
TESSA just finishes her virus plant, logs out of her file, and
turns the computer off. She looks over at the security monitor.
She sees GEN getting off an elevator and enter a hallway where
she sees two guards walking towards him in the adjacent hallway.
TESSA
Oh shit.
She summons him on his earpiece
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER NORTH HALLWAY
TESSA (v.o)
Gen stop walking…there
are guards right around
the corner from you.
GEN reacts accordingly, as the guards turn the corner. They walk
directly to the elevator talking to each other.
AMC GUARD #1
And then this arm grabs
the M&Ms and puts them
back…can you believe that
shit? That Arnold Benedict
is a cheap son of a bitch.
They press the elevator button and the elevator door opens. They
step into elevator, as the doors close.
TESSA(v.o)
Alright the coast is
clear.
Nothing happens. She calls him again. All of a sudden, GEN drops
from the ceiling. Broken ceiling tiles surround him as he stands
up and brushes himself off. GEN waves at TESSA in camera.
76
GEN
(laughing)
I’m freakin’ Spiderman
dog.
TESSA sighs to herself
TESSA
Alright, Gen…Get into
position I’m about to
get out of here!
GEN gives her a thumbs up in the monitor and then takes off.
EXT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER BALCONY – NIGHT (ala Mr. and Mrs. Smith)
TESSA steps out on the balcony, as she pulls her purse out and
connects it to a gargoyle head. She steps on the ledge, and leaps
off the balcony. She travels through the air holding her purse
that distributes a wire. The wire gets stuck. She cuts the wire
and falls to the ground making a loud thud. She hops to her feet
as we hear her car unlock. She enters the vehicle, and drives
away.
EXT. CAMERA ANGLE OF THE SKY
MUSIC SCORE BEGINS
The sun rises and sets in FAST MOTION
INT. UPPER LEVEL OF RUEBEN’S GARAGE – NIGHT (ala Gone in 60 seconds)
DANNY searches on the second floor of RUEBEN’S garage. He grabs
an old box from the shelf and places it on a table. He opens it,
and brings out of the box a leather jacket, and holds it in front
of him.
DANNY
(to himself)
I am a baaaaaad man!
Lots of dust flies through the air. DANNY inhales some and starts
to sadistically cough.
INT. LOWER LEVEL OF RUEBEN’S GARAGE - MUSIC SCORE CONTINUES
DANNY walks down the steps of the garage with a tight leather
jacket on. The garage door opens as TESSA pulls up in the
driveway. She gets out of the car, as RUSTY looks at her in
suspense. TESSA nods to RUSTY, and he smiles. DANNY stands in
the middle of the group as we PAN all around him.
DANNY
Thanks…thanks for doing
this…keep steady…think
slow…we should be fine.
77
QUICKCUTS to PAULKER and TYRIEK, RUSTY and RUEBEN, BASH EAR and
STANLEY. CUTS TO TESSA.
DANNY
Tyriek…Low rider…
Tyriek?
TYRIEK
Uh…I don’t have Low
Rider…
DANNY sighs
DANNY
Well just give me whatever
you have.
TYRIEK presses button on the stereo. Music Begins (Can I Get A…
by Jay-z). RUEBEN looks around at everybody as he smokes a cigar.
Cuts To TYRIEK doing the robot. DANNY, in a tunnel vision raises
his hands with a gesture to his ears, as his hands begin to shake.
DANNY
Okay let’s ride
They all exit garage
EXT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER – NIGHT – “WORLD PREMIERE NIGHT”
RYAN SEABASS, spoofing American Idol’s host Ryan Seacrest, stands
in a suit holding his earpiece in his ear. He can hardly hear
himself speak because of the ovation.
RYAN SEABASS
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is
Ryan Seabass. I’m outside of
the Majestic 20, where the
biggest movie premiere of the
century is about to begin in a
half hour. I’ve been running
back and forth through the LA Plaza
and the Majestic 20 trying to
catch Filthy Scent before he
enters. The turn out this evening
has been tremendous at both
locations and it keeps rising…I
wonder who this could be.
A limousine pulls up to the red carpet where RYAN SEABASS is. The
driver exits and opens the door, as RYAN searches for who it is.
RYAN
It’s…It’s P.Didly…Let’s see
If we can get a word from him.
P.DIDLY, spoofing P.Diddy, exits the limousine. He waves to the
78
Crowd surrounding outside of the Majestic 20 theater.
RYAN
Hey…P.Didly how’s it going?
P.DIDLY
It’s going great. I’m happy
to be here.
RYAN
I under stand you’re now
working on “Making the Band
26”. Your time has passed,
why don’t you just throw
in the towel?
P.DIDLY
Cause this is Bad Boy baby
and we don’t stop.
RYAN
But your last group sold
like 11 records.
P.DIDLY raises his voice
P.DIDLY
CAUSE THIS IS BAD BOY BABY
AND WE DON’T STOP!!!!
P.DIDLY grab RYAN SEABASS by the throat, and chokeslams him out
of frame. He follows up with an elbow drop, completely
disappearing out of frame as well. P.DIDLY raises into frame
again. He adjusts his suit, and licks his lips.
P.DIDLY
Come on “Platinum Didly
girls”
P.DIDLY reaches his hand into the limo door, and grabs a little
girl’s hand. Four 10 year old girls with tons of make-up on with
a Paris Hilton swagger exit the limousine. They walk down the red
carpet together, RYAN slowly rises to his feet.
RYAN
(in pain)
That’s why you need a
girl bitch…
P.DIDLY runs back over to RYAN and “Judo Kicks” him in the face.
P.DIDLY walks back. RYAN takes the hit and slowly timbers out of
frame again.
RYAN
Seabass…out.
EXT. CARNIVAL GROUNDS - NIGHT
79
A BHL delivery van pulls onto the carnival grounds. PAULKER,
TYRIEK, and BASH EAR. They walk over to a covered piece of
equipment labeled “Powerbomb”. PAULKER and TYRIEK look at each
other as they assist BASH EAR in lifting the equipment into the
van’s trunk.
The van drives off. TYRIEK is left behind as he chases them out
of the amusement park.
EXT. LA PLAZA THEATER – NIGHT – WORLD PREMIERE
CAMERA CUTS to an empty news camera frame. We shortly see RYAN
SEABASS run into frame. He is bent over holding his knees
breathing very heavily.
RYAN SEABASS
(breathing hard)
Ladies and Gentleman this is
Ryan Seabass…I’m now in front
of the LA Plaza where the
anticipation of Filthy scent’s
arrival is still getting bigger…
Another limousine pulls up to the red carpet. RYAN notices and
moves in closer.
RYAN
This could be him ladies
and Gentlemen…this could
be Filthy Scent.
The door swings open. BRITNEY SPREES, spoofing Britney Spears,
exits with a baby stroller. RYAN gets soft.
RYAN
(to Britney)
Oh, is this baby Sean?
BRITNEY turns stroller around
BRITNEY
No…it’s baby Kevin.
KEVIN FEDERLINE, grown man with 5 o’clock shadow, face is on a
baby’s body. Kevin stares at RYAN SEABASS. RYAN’S terrifying
facial expression.
RYAN SEABASS
Damn it.
RYAN gets down in a track runner’s position. CAMERA MAN raises a
gun and shoots it in the air. RYAN SEABASS starts to run. As he
runs down the street, he dodges an old women on a walker. She
raises her walker and hits him with it. He goes flying into trash
cans on the curb.
80
EXT. MAJESTIC 20 LOADING DOCK - NIGHT
A BHL van pulls into the loading dock behind the Majestic 20
theater. A black cat crosses their path, as PAULKER stops the van
and motions his hand for the cat to cross. The cat waves back and
begins to cross alleyway. All of a sudden, PAULKER steps on the
accelerator. As speeding van is headed for the cat, it’s eyes get
wider. The cat rolls over the van as PAULKER keeps driving.
TYRIEK looks over at PAULKER. PAULKER looks back at him.
PAULKER
What?
TYRIEK
Was that really necessary?
PAULKER
That cat was black man, I
don’t need nothing messing
up this job.
BASH EAR shaking his head.
EXT. LA PLAZA THEATER – NIGHT – WORLD PREMIERE
RYAN SEABASS gets excited as the limousine door opens. ARNOLD
BENEDICT and GINGER KNOWSALL exit the limousine. ARNOLD BENEDICT
We hear the crowd calling his name. He holds up a middle finger
and shows it to everybody. RYAN SEABASS gets a word with him.
RYAN SEABASS
Here he is the man
himself…Mr. Arnold
Benedict CEO and
founder of the Majestic
20, The American AMC,
and the LA Plaza…what
would you like to say
to the folks at home?
He turns the microphone over to ARNOLD BENEDICT, as BENEDICT
pauses.
BENEDICT
Has Filthy Scent arrived
yet?
RYAN SEABASS
Uh…no he hasn’t.
ARNOLD takes this in. he walks away pulling GINGER by her
arm. Cuts Back to RYAN SEABASS looking at the camera man
shrugging his shoulders.
RYAN SEABASS
81
I don’t know what that was
about.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER - NIGHT
QUICKCUTS around to the capacity of the theater. ARNOLD BENEDICT
and GINGER socialize with guests as RUSTY monitors GINGER and
ARNOLD BENEDICT from a distance. GINGER and BENEDICT walk passed
RUSTY. GINGER glances at RUSTY, as RUSTY glances back. A crowd
makes its way into theater #1.
INT. P-UNIT MERCHANDISE WAREHOUSE - THEATER SCREEN
FILTHY SCENT creeps against a wall, trying to stay out of sight.
Men with guns, in S.W.A.T attire, guard a room that is glowing.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 – EYE IN THE SKY
STANLEY
(to himself)
Okay, Ginger is in place.
STANLEY rapidly types on his laptop
STANLEY
(on earpiece)
Okay Rusty, we’re set.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 – GAME ROOM – Music Score Begins
RUSTY inconspicuously walks through the game room.
RUSTY
(on cell phone)
Okay Ginger we’re set.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 – THEATER #1
GINGER sits next to ARNOLD BENEDICT in a dark theater.
GINGER
Paulker…Tyriek…we’re set.
Women in front of GINGER shhhh’s her, as GINGER shhh’s her back
INT. MAJESTIC 20 – BASEMENT
PAULKER, TYRIEK, and BASH EAR push the “Powerbomb” down a corridor
in the basement, as PAULKER gets on his rover.
PAULKER
(on walkie)
Hold on man, we haven’t
even set the damn thing
up yet.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 – THEATER #1
GINGER
82
(frustrated)
Are you kidding me? our
cover could be blown any
minute now.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 – BASEMENT
PAULKER drops his walkie
PAULKER
Shit.
TYRIEK and BASH EAR await instructions.
PAULKER
You guys we gotta think
of something fast.
Something catches BASH EAR’S eye. A switch on the wall cuts into
camera frame as they move towards it. The switch is labeled “Power
to the entire city”. They look at each other.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 – GAME ROOM
RUSTY sips a Pina Colada as four beautiful women pass him and
smile, RUSTY smiles back.
PAULKER (v.o)
Okay, Rusty…we’re set.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 – BASEMENT
BASH EAR flips the switch “off”.
EXT. CITY OF LOS ANGELES
The entire city turns black in an instant
SCREEN GOES BLACK.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER – BASEMENT – COMPLETE DARKNESS
TYRIEK
(in the dark)
Don’t we gotta turn
this shit back on?
PAULKER
We gotta wait 30 seconds.
TYRIEK
Well how much time has
it been?
PAULKER
I don’t know.
83
The lights come back on. BASH EAR stands next to the light switch
looking at his watch. PAULKER and TYRIEK hold each other in
fright. BASH EAR looks at PAULKER, as PAULKER pushes TYRIEK off.
They pause a minute.
PAULKER
How you think it’s going
up there?
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER LOBBY – Music begins
The entire capacity in a riot. We see Women running, and men
fighting and shoving. A women jump off concession stand counter
and kick another women in the face.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER SECURITY CENTER
Several security guards rooting in front of a monitor. cuts to
the monitor, they’re watching a bra and panties match between
two women in WWE Smackdown. We PAN behind the guards. We notice
the monitor with the commotion down stairs is unattended.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 – THEATER #1
BENEDICT and GINGER look on at the action as it continues in
their auditorium. BENEDICT is in confusion.
BENEDICT
(to Ginger)
Get your coat.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER LOBBY (ala Ocean’s Eleven)
BENEDICT and GINGER exit through the theater doors. The riot is
still going on in the lobby of the theater. Employees and theater
guards try to restrain them. BENEDICT and GINGER continue to
burrow through the congestion. a cell phone rings. BENEDICT looks
over at GINGER.
BENEDICT
Aren’t you going to get that?
GINGER
I don’t have a cell phone.
She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a cell phone.
GINGER
This isn’t mine.
The cell phone that has pink glittery letters on it, that say
“GINGER’S phone”. BENEDICT looks at GINGER.
GINGER
It’s not.
BENEDICT flips open the cell phone. it has a screen saver of
84
BENEDICT and GINGER at Disneyland. BENEDICT looks at GINGER
again, as she confesses.
GINGER
Oh, you thought I said
Cell phone?…I said smell
Phone…you know that phone
That you can smell who
You’re talking to…
BENEDICT looks at GINGER in suspicion. The cell phone says: “One
missed call”. BENEDICT opens the phone and calls back. We hear
RUSTY’S ring back tone. (“Ain’t no other man” by Christina
Aguilera). RUSTY picks up.
BENEDICT
Hello?
RUSTY
Hello Arnold…would you like
To play a game?
BENEDICT
Jigsaw?
RUSTY
No.
BENEDICT
Than who is this?
RUSTY
The man who’s robbing
you.
CAMERA PANS into BENEDICT’S face, as he turns to GINGER. they
pause a minute. They both get tackled by passing brutes.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER SECURITY CENTER (ala Ocean’s Eleven)
BENEDICT and GINGER enter the security center. Watchers who are
off task snap into shape when they see BENEDICT enter the
security center.
BENEDICT
What the hell is going
On in the vault?
WATCHER #1
Nothing sir. It’s all
normal.
BENEDICT
Show me.
The watcher switch through the monitors cameras. He comes to the
vault’s image. It’s all clear.
85
BENEDICT
Nice try as hole.
RUSTY (v.o)
Your watching your monitor?
…okay, keep watching.
The vault image changes. Three men, dressed in black, work inside
the vault. They are filling duffle bags up with stacks of cash.
They stop and wave at the monitor, then they start to break
dance.
BENEDICT
Find out how much money
we have down there.
BENEDICT(cont’d)
(Ginger)
It would be better if you
weren’t around…
He turns around and ginger is no where in sight. the glass door
that they came through gently comes to a close, as BENEDICT
takes this in.
BENEDICT
(on cellular)
Okay, so you broke in
My vault…you’re a dead
Man.
RUSTY(v.o)
Maybe.
BENEDICT
Maybe? May I ask how you
expect to leave. Do you
think that I’m going to
allow you to carry bags of
my money out of my theater
doors?
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER GAME ROOM
RUSTY walks through the game room, holding a cell phone to his
ear.
RUSTY
Nope your going to carry
It out for us.
BENEDICT(v.o)
And why would I do such
a thing?
86
RUSTY
Take a closer look at your
Monitor. As your manager is
probably reporting to you now,
you have a little over $757,000—
in your vault tonight. You may
notice were only packing about
$433,985. The gross for “Get
Bitched or die cryin’”.
RUSTY stops walking a minute
RUSTY (cont’d)
All the other money were
leaving in your vault,
booby-trapped, as a hostage.
CAMERA CUTS to the monitor screen. We PAN INTO the screen and see
three black duffle bags wrapped with c4.
RUSTY
I don’t need to tell you
what the situation is. You
know.
CAMERA PANS into ARNOLD BENEDICT’S face. He has a large booger in
his nose.
RUSTY (v.o)
You let our money go and you
Get to keep the rest. The rest
That your theater is actually
Entitled to. That’s the deal.
You try and stop us, we’ll blow
both cash points.
BENEDICT pauses a moment
BENEDICT
(to manager)
Make the call.
Theater manager with phone in his hand dials.
INT. EYE IN THE SKY
STANLEY in his room smoking with RUEBEN. The room is full of
smoke. the phone rings, and STANLEY answers.
STANLEY
The boys in blue.
MANAGER
What?
STANLEY
(realizing)
87
Oh shit…uh…hold please.
He puts manager on hold. We hear holding music, as manager puts
the phone on speaker. All the manager’s dance slowly except
BENEDICT.
BENEDICT
HEY!
They all stop dancing, as STANLEY gets back on the line.
STANLEY (v.o)
Security Center.
Manager nods at BENEDICT, as BENEDICT acknowledges.
BENEDICT
Okay…you have a deal.
RUSTY
Fantastic…here’s what you do.
RUSTY walks out of frame as the SCENE SHIFTS
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER LOBBY – Music score begins
RUSTY
The guys in the vault will
deposit six bags into the
vault elevator. Three of
your guards will pick up the
bags and carry them out to the
theater floor…Now if they take
More than 10 seconds to reach
the theater floor, or if we think
the switch has been made…we’ll
blow the money in the bags and
the money in the vault.
Guard #1 in the elevator attempting to open one of the bags.
Guard #2 slaps his hand. Guard #2 discreetly reaches his hand in
the bag, gets shocked, and drops the bag. The open bag on the
floor REVEALS an electric fence that is labeled: “STRONG FENCE”
RUSTY (v.o)
As soon as your guards hit the
floor…two BHL delivery vans
are going to pull up in your
valet station. Your guards will
load the bags in the van’s rear.
If any one so much as looks in
the driver’s door, we’ll blow
everything.
Five syntax security guards run right by RUSTY on his phone
RUSTY (cont’d)
88
When I get word the van is away,
and the money is secure, my men
will exit the building and once
their safety is confirmed…you’ll
get your theater back.
Three men in all black, exit the elevator. They dance and
taunt the theater staff as they make their way to the exit. A
brute guard approaches them, as another guard holds him back.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER SECURITY CENTER
BENEDICT
Now I have complied with
your every request, would
you agree?
RUSTY
I would.
BENEDICT
Good…than I have one of my
own…run and hide ass hole…
run and hide…if this time
next week you’re sharing a
margarita and a hot tub with
four girls named Paris and
Nicole…I am going to be extremely
disappointed because I want
my men to find you, and when
they do, you’ll be sharing a
shower with Kane and the
Undertaker. So my advice is
simply run and hide. That’s
all that I ask.
BENEDICT looks at his phone realizing there is no one on the
other line with him.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER RESTROOM
RUSTY’S phone sinking to the bottom of a fish tank next to a gold
fish. The gold fish gets eaten by a shark.
INT. MAJESTIC 20 THEATER SECURITY CENTER
CAMERA SLOWLY PUSHES into BENEDICT’S face
BENEDICT
Take the van.
EXT. LAX AIRPORT PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Two BHL vans pull into the airport parking lot followed by nine
special security vehicles. The vans come to a complete stop
parallel to each other. Security officers exit their vehicles and
get into position pointing their guns.
89
SECURITY OFFICER #1
Get out of the van now!
The two immobile BHL vans park parallel to each other, as the
engines continuously run.
SECURITY OFFICER #1
Take the tires.
Security officers shoot out the back two
Security officer #1 approaches the first
and opens it rapidly. A blow up sex doll
seat. He looks at the other officers, as
tires on both vans.
van’s driver side door,
sits in the driver’s
they await an answer.
SECURITY OFFICER #1
I’ll be right back.
Security officer #1 pulls off his suit coat and drops it on the
ground. He unzips his pants and enters the driver’s door and
closes it. Security officer #2 shakes his head, as other
officer’s approach both trunks of the vans. We PAN INTO the
double doors as they creep closer and closer.
KABLAAAMMMMMM!!
A Blue Mini Cooper blasts out of the first van’s trunk, and a Red
Mini Cooper blast out of the other trunk simultaneously. This
happens quicker than the officers can react, some officers get
ran over by the coopers. The Mini Coopers drive out of the
airport parking lot. (ala The Italian Job)
SECURITY OFFICER #2
Follow those bugs.
SECURITY OFFICER #3
They’re Mini Coopers.
SECURITY OFFICER #2
Whatever.
They get back into they’re squad cars, and they drive after them.
Camera Cuts to the driver’s side door of the BHL van. Security
officer #1 gets out of the van with his pants around his ankles
holding his head with the blow-up doll covering his penis.
SECURITY OFFICER #1
What the hell was that?
EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE – NIGHT (ala 2fast 2furious)
Two Mini Coopers pull into the warehouse parking lot followed by
squad cars. They drive towards the warehouse’s garages. Two garage
doors let up, as the coopers drive inside. The garage doors
90
close, as the security officers once again take position with
their guns pulled.
CAMERA CUTS to the warehouse garages, as we hear engines revving
in the distance. Security officers look at each other. All of
sudden the garage doors open. The security officers get ready.
Two dozen mini coopers exit the warehouse. Security officers
slowly let down they’re weapons looking on at the cluttering.
The mini coopers begin to drive around the squad cars, as the
officers draw they’re weapons, and they command everyone to stop.
All of the mini coopers stop simultaneously, and just sit there.
Security officers have no idea what is about to happen. All of a
sudden. The Mini Cooper’s doors open. The officers are awaiting
the worst getting ready to fire. Another moment. All of a sudden
midgets exit from both driver’s and passenger’s doors in all the
Mini Coopers. They run around screaming in a rampage. CAMERA CUTS
to the expressions on the security officer’s faces. They just
stand there with their mouth’s open.
INT. DIM ROOM WITH A SINGLE CHAIR (ala Mission: Impossible III)
The bloody face of DANNY SEAWATER. He opens his eyes after being
shocked with a device. Standing over him is ROBBY MERCY with a
serious expression. He stands in front of someone in a chair with
bag covering their face. He takes off the bag. TESSA is terrified
with tape on her mouth.
ROBBY
What happen to Evelyn?
DANNY
(in a daze)
I…I thought I told you.
ROBBY
I’ll ask you again…what
happen to Evelyn?
DANNY
(in a daze)
I told you we…we um…we
were in the truck with
Filthy Scent.
QUICKCUTS TO ANGEL with a serious expression as well. QUICKCUTS
TO RONALD and JAKE with a similar look.
ROBBY
You have ten seconds to
tell me what happened to
her. Nine.
DANNY tries to shake out of his shackles but it’s no use. he
calms down
DANNY
(calmly)
91
Wait…wait…She’s in…She’s
In Detroit.
ROBBY
She’s not in Detroit. Eight.
DANNY
Just let Tessa go…and we
can talk like gentlemen.
ROBBY
We are talking. Five.
DANNY pauses
DANNY
Wait what happen to
seven, six?
ROBBY
You just said them. Four.
DANNY
What?
ROBBY
You’re not listening.
Tell me what happened
to Evelyn. Three.
DANNY
I know…I know…I’ll
tell you…but let
her go. This is between
us. So let her go and
I’ll tell you.
ROBBY
(Shouting)
YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?
YOU DON’T THINK I’LL DO
IT! I’LL KILL HER I SWEAR
TO GOD! TWO! ONE! ZERO!
DANNY starts to hyperventilate. TESSA that looks at ROBBY. We hear
a loud gun shot, as DANNY faints.
screen goes black
A pair of eyes start to open. ROBBY stands over DANNY holding in
an uncontrollable urge to laugh.
ROBBY
Damn, Danny, we were just
messing with you.
TESSA and ANGEL laughing in the background. Cuts To JAKE and
92
RONALD also hysterical.
ROBBY
Hey? It’s a fake gun.
DANNY
How’d my face get so
bloody?
JAKE
Oh that’s not blood.
You fell asleep in your
Ravioli, so we decided
to mess with you.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING – NIGHT
ANGEL
Rusty’s team already
hit the Majestic. They
gave us the green light.
The security at the LA
Plaza is heavy because
of the other heist…Arnold
Benedict even showed up.
DANNY looks up at ANGEL
DANNY
Where are we?
JAKE
We’re in the Snyder &
Billikans building…it’s
the law office across from
the L.A plaza.
The LA PLAZA building is visible through a large window in the
room.
JAKE (cont’d)
We need to figure our
Infiltration point.
DANNY gets up with an idea of how they can enter the building.
DANNY
Wait a minute.
DANNY picks up a sharpie marker. He approaches the glass window
that they can see the LA PLAZA from. He starts to write on the
window talking to himself through his equation. Cuts To ROBBY and
JAKE. cuts to ANGEL and TESSA.
TESSA
The hell is he doing.
93
ANGEL
I think he’s trying
to work the physics
of it. Right? I mean
what else would he be
doing?
DANNY has drawn a dog, a tree, and two stick figures holding
hands next to a lake on the window.
DANNY
Tessa? Remember that
Time we went to the lake?
TESSA
Danny? What the hell?
DANNY
What?
TESSA
How are we going to
get to the plaza?
DANNY pauses
EXT. ROOF TOP OF SNYDER AND BILIKANS BUILDING
DANNY
Now just follow my lead.
DANNY picks up a construction pole. He breaks it in half, and
picks up his jacket. He places the two pieces of the wooden poles
into his jacket in a crucifix shape. DANNY spreads his arms in a
wingspan.
ANGEL
Who is he, Macgyver?
He runs to the edge, jumps off of it, and falls straight down.
The group runs to the edge looking for DANNY’S flattened body on
the ground. When they reach the edge they look down at the
ground.
ANGEL
Shit…Do you see him?
ROBBY
Nah.
TESSA
You guys look.
From the roof of the LA PLAZA, DANNY waves at them from the
ledge. ROBBY and ANGEL looking at each other.
94
ROBBY
Who’s next?
JAKE sees a sign that says “this way to the La Plaza roof”. they
follow it.
EXT. ROOF TOP OF THE LA PLAZA
They meet DANNY on the other side.
DANNY
Why didn’t I think
of that?
TESSA
This doesn’t seem
way too easy for
you guys?
The other look around at each other.
GROUP
(together)
Nope.
INT. EYE IN THE SKY – NIGHT
STANLEY and RUEBEN sit in the room still smoking. A condom
is stretched over the smoke detector. We hear a knock on the
door, as RUEBEN get’s up and opens it. RUSTY, PAULKER, TYRIEK,
BASH EAR, and GINGER enter the room. RUEBEN and STANLEY begin to
clap.
RUSTY
Thank you…Thank you.
Where are we now boys?
STANLEY
Well…
STANLEY types on his laptop
STANLEY (cont’d)
Tessa’s cracking the safe
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER – NIGHT
The attendants of the La Plaza theater watching the lobby
monitors, that have the commotion of the Majestic 20 riot. ANGEL,
DANNY, and JAKE up on the ceiling ledge. ARNOLD BENEDICT looking
at the monitors as well.
DANNY
How’s that safe coming Tessa?
95
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER VAULT
TESSA listens through a stethoscope in her ears, pressing the
receiver on the safe door.
TESSA
(on earpiece)
Well I just about got it.
She puts the last number in, and turns the knob. It doesn’t open.
She turns in again. She yanks on it a couple times. She picks up
a wrench and knocks the knob off.
TESSA
Piece of cake.
She opens the safe, but it is empty.
TESSA
(on earpiece)
You guys, the safe is
Empty.
INT. EYE IN THE SKY
STANLEY glances at RUSTY, and picks up his radio
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER LOBBY
STANLEY (v.o)
Danny? Tessa said the vault
is empty.
DANNY
What?
ANGEL taps DANNY on the shoulder. DANNY is attentive. ANGEL
points to the lobby floor. A briefcase sits in the middle of the
floor. We PAN forward a little bit. A guard walks away from it.
We PAN BACK to the briefcase. ARNOLD BENEDICT approaching it.
DANNY
No, we got it. Tell
Isabella she’s up.
INT. EYE IN THE SKY
STANLEY looks over at PAULKER and TYRIEK. PAUKER gets on his
rover.
EXT. LA PLAZA THEATER PARKING LOT
A very sexy ISABELLA in a red midriff gown, sits in an orange
Lamborghini, putting on lip stick.
96
PAULKER (v.o)
Isabella? Your up.
ISABELLA
Copy that.
She starts her engine.
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER - BASEMENT – NIGHT
DANNY changing clothes and ANGEL booting up his laptop.
DANNY
You guys weren’t really
gonna kill me were you?
ANGEL laughs
ANGEL
Nah…we like to joke
around…you know we
used to have our own
show.
DANNY takes this in as CAMERA SLOWLY PANS into his face
DANNY
Really?
JAKE climbs out of ventilation shaft.
JAKE
Hey, you talking about
when he fainted?
ANGEL
Yeah.
They both start to laugh hysterically. DANNY sighs.
EXT. LA PLAZA PARKING LOT
ISABELLA pulls up in an orange Lamborghini. She steps out of it,
and hands the keys to the valet. She enters the building.
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER BASEMENT
JAKE comes from out of ventilation shaft again.
JAKE
She’s here.
DANNY
Tell her to get as close
as she can.
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER CEILING LEDGE
97
ROBBY monitors BENEDICT’S activity up on the ceiling ledge.
ROBBY (v.o)
Okay, Isabella…make sure
you get as close as you
can…
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER LOBBY (ala Mission: Impossible III)
ISABELLA
I know, I got it.
ISABELLA inconspicuously walks about five feet in front of ARNOLD
BENEDICT who’s still staring at the monitor. She applies make-up,
to her face while pointing a hidden camera it bares at Mr.
BENEDICT. She snaps a couple of pictures and sends them to ANGEL
via email. She trips while she is walking and falls out of
frame.
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER – BASEMENT – NIGHT
ANGEL rapidly types on his laptop.
ANGEL
Okay, now…we wait. Benedict’s
ugly ass grill needs to pop
up on my scana-bana.
DANNY pauses
DANNY
Can somebody translate.
JAKE
We need to wait for
Benedict’s profile
to download so that
we can make a duplicate
head mask for you.
DANNY
Thank you.
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER – LOBBY – NIGHT
ISABELLA on the ground, buried in a large cake. This catches
BENEDICT’S eye, as he approaches ISABELLA.
ISABELLA
Oh shit.
BENEDICT
Here let me help you.
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER CEILING LEDGE
98
ROBBY
(on Rover)
Shit. Benedict made
Isabella!
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER BASEMENT
DANNY snatches ANGEL’S radio out of his hand and calls ROBBY on
his rover.
DANNY
Robby…Tell Isabella
to do it now…it’s on
to plan B. tell her to
do it now.
ANGEL stares at DANNY a moment
DANNY
What?
ANGEL snatches radio back from DANNY
ANGEL
Don’t you ever touch
a black man’s radio boy!
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER LOBBY
BENEDICT help up ISABELLA, as she puts her hand to her ear piece.
BENEDICT
Are you okay?
ISABELLA grabs a glass of wine from passing waiter’s tray and
splashes it on BENEDICT’S shirt. BENEDICT wonders.
ISABELLA
Oh…Oh…I am so
sorry.
BENEDICT
It’s quite alright.
I enjoy having red
wine splashed on all
my white shirts.
ISABELLA
But why?
BENEDICT looks at ISABELLA, then walks away
ISABELLA
99
(on earpiece)
Okay…Danny. He’s coming
your way.
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER BASEMENT
DANNY looks somewhat similar to ARNOLD BENEDICT. DANNY is about
to enter the ventilation shaft leading to the men’s room, when
ANGEL stops him.
ANGEL
Wait, Danny.
DANNY
What?
ANGEL
The voice box that
I downloaded is
having a little
trouble.
DANNY
Trouble like what?
ANGEL
There’s sort of a
glitch in the program
so it might seem like
you have a little bit
of a stutter…and it may
jolt you a little bit.
DANNY
Oh, well…I can handle
that.
DANNY climbs up into ventilation shaft.
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER MEN’S RESTROOM (ala Mission: Impossible III)
BENEDICT enters the restroom. He makes his way over to the sink.
He turns the water on. He grabs a hand full of paper towels. He
dabs the paper towels into the water. He starts to scrub his
shirt. He puts his face down into sink. DANNY, who looks like
BENEDICT, approaches him from behind. BENEDICT brings his head
back up into frame. DANNY holds a recording device to his back.
He brings BENEDICT to the floor.
BENEDICT
Who the hell are you
you sexy bitch?
DANNY holds a cue card in front of BENEDICT’S face
100
DANNY
Read it…Read it!
BENEDICT starts to read.
BENEDICT
The Perfect inside job
is done in an Ocean’s
Space with an Italian
Swordfish.
DANNY
Thanks.
He knocks out BENEDICT, and pulls him up on the sink. BENEDICT’S
tie gets stuck in the sink drain. DANNY pulls him repeatedly from
behind him. someone steps into restroom.
DANNY stands behind BENEDICT in a compromising position. (Getting
him from the back) we hear DANNY making noises.
DANNY
C-C-C-C-mon
Come-come-come.
Man backs out of bathroom.
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER LOBBY
Three security guards walk through the entrance doors looking
around. they approach nearest associate watching monitor.
BRUTE GUARD #1
Where is Arnold Benedict?
ASSOCIATE #1
I think he’s in the bathroom.
BRUTE GUARD #1
We don’t pay you to think…
you’re fired!
He nods at another brute guard.
BRUTE GUARD #1
Take him out.
Brute guard #1 and #3 continue walking. Brute guard #2 grabs
associate and gives him the “Pedigree” in the background.
INT. LA PLAZA THEATER LOBBY
ARNOLD “DANNY” BENEDICT exits the Men’s restroom. He passes the
guards.
BRUTE GUARD#1
101
Are you alright Mr. Benedict?
BENEDICT turns to them
“DANNY” BENEDICT
I’m F-F-F-F…fine just
shut the F-F-F-F-…just
be quiet.
He continues walking. ISABELLA approaches “DANNY” BENEDICT.
ISABELLA
Oh, I do apologize…
might I take you back
to my room and pleasure
you orally?
DANNY smiles at her
BRUTE GUARD #1
I don’t think that’s
such a good idea, sir.
A beaten and battered associate walks into frame with crutches.
ASSOCIATE #1
We don’t pay you to
think bitch.
Associate starts to laugh, as brute guard #1 snaps his fingers at
brute guard #2. In the background brute guard #2 picks up a steel
chair and hits associate over the head with it. Associate spins
around once, then hits the floor. Cuts To “DANNY” BENEDICT and
ISABELLA look on at the bashing. They glance at each other, then
turn back to the guard.
DANNY
The last thing I need
is a B-B-B-B-B-aby S-S
S-S-Sitter. So just L-L
ISABELLA intervenes
ISABELLA
He doesn’t need a babysitter
so just leave him alone.
DANNY
(out of breath)
Thank you.
ISABELLA
Let’s go.
“DANNY” BENEDICT and ISABELLA walk away from guards.
CAMERA SLOWLY PANS into the guards face.
102
BRUTE GUARD #1
That’s not our Benedict.
EXT. LA PLAZA THEATER PARKING LOT
ISABELLA and “DANNY” BENEDICT make their way towards the orange
Lamborghini. They enter the vehicle, and ISABELLA starts the car.
They drive over a man hole, and stop.
INT. ORANGE LAMBORGHINI (ala Mission: Impossible III)
“DANNY” BENEDICT take off his mask. ISABELLA notices.
ISABELLA
Too easy.
ISABELLA pushes a button on the dashboard, that opens a secret
passage door in the floor of the Lamborghini. The man hole opens,
and ANGEL come up into frame.
ANGEL
Sup?
DANNY
S—S-S-S…
ISABELLA
(intervening)
Sup.
ANGEL
Did you get it?
DANNY opens the briefcase. A manuscript labeled: “Get Bitched or
Die Cryin’ 2” followed by: “written by Curtis Ellington”
ANGEL
That’s Filthy Scent’s
real name?
DANNY shrugs his shoulders. DANNY closes the briefcase and hands
it to ANGEL. DANNY and ISABELLA unbuckle their seatbelts.
EXT. LA PLAZA THEATER PARKING LOT
The orange Lamborghini sits in the middle of the road blocking
traffic. All of a sudden. The Lamborghini explodes in an instant.
The guards look on through a window in the La Plaza. They look at
each other, then crack a smile.
EXT. ROOF OF SYNDER & BILLIKENS BUILDING
ROBBY, BASH EAR, JAKE, and TESSA stand on the roof looking down
at the detonation with shades on their face. BASH EAR holds a
remote detonator.
103
TESSA
Two down…One to go.
The other driver’s get out of their car, and look at the flaming
vehicle.
GEN (v.o)
My name is Gen Natalia.
pay strict attention to
what I say because I
choose my words carefully…
and I never repeat myself.
INT. GEN’S CELL – UNDETERMINED
GEN is up to his neck in a brown liquid substance. He is barely
able to speak, as he is being submerged further.
GEN
I told you my name that’s
the who…the where…
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER – NIGHT
QUICKCUTS around the American AMC theater. Maintenance men mop
the floors. Maintenance women wipe down windows.
GEN (v.o)
…can most readily be described
as a shit hole.
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER - “NIGHT BEFORE THE WORLD PREMIERE”
QUICKCUTS around the American AMC theater’s restrooms.
GEN (v.o)
…But there’s a vast difference
between being stuck in a tiny
hole, and being stuck in shit.
GEN struggles in the middle of the restroom floor stuffing
himself inside of a silver septic tank.
INT. RUEBEN’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
GEN looks over blueprints with DANNY in a dark room lit by only a
tiny ceiling lamp.
GEN (v.o)
The what is easy. Recently
I helped plan and set in
motion events to execute the
perfect robbery. That’s also
when. As for the why…beyond
the obvious financial motivation
it’s exceedingly simple…because
I can. Which only leaves us
104
with the how…
GEN’S dialogue echoes and fades
INT. RESTROOM – NIGHT
We slowly PAN into a restroom stall. CAMERA PUSHES through the
door to a still toilet. It starts to shake around. It jumps up
and down. A toilet flies across the room and shatter on the wall.
GEN is covered from head to toe with…shit!
INT. BACK DOOR – NIGHT
GEN opens the emergency back exit. we reveal TESSA, PAULKER, and
TYRIEK in maintenance clothes looking at GEN waiting to enter.
TYRIEK
Dude, you smell like
shit.
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER – LOBBY – NIGHT
BENEDICT wakes up in the middle of the lobby floor. Man with a
mask behind box office area gazes at him. BENEDICT looks around.
Hostages are tied up on the floor, all wearing a P-UNIT vest
and bandana’s over their face. BENEDICT gets up.
BENEDICT
Hey, you. What the hell is
this?
GEN
This is your retirement
Party, Mr. Benedict.
BENEDICT
The hell you talking about?
GEN
so dark the con of man.
BENEDICT
What the hell? Do I look
like Tom Hanks? I don’t
know what you think your
doing, but you better hope
Filthy Scent doesn’t hear
about this.
GEN
Oh, I don’t believe we’ll
be hearing from Filthy
Scent for a long time…
BENEDICT stares at GEN as he takes this in
EXT. FROZEN LAKE MICHIGAN – MORNING (ala Four Brothers)
105
A parked car sits on a frozen lake, as the four brothers
stand around it. They look in a certain direction.
ANGEL
You think he’s coming?
ROBBY turns to ANGEL.
ROBBY
He’ll be here.
The brothers glance at each other, then face front.
JAKE
Here they come.
ROBBY smiles
In the distance a red Hummer drives towards them. The brothers
step forward a bit. The hummer gets stuck in the snow, as
TOMMY YOYO and YOUNGSUCK get out and push. They get the car
moving again.
They pull up next to the brothers. FILTHY SCENT, LLOYD SPANX,
TOMMY YOYO, and YOUNGSUCK exit the vehicle. FILTHY SCENT
approaches ROBBY.
FILTHY SCENT
The Mercy Brothers…back
in town. Who’s gonna be
the one man?
The brothers just lock eyes with FILTHY SCENT.
ROBBY
Neither one of us.
The P-UNIT starts to laugh as they slap five with FILTHY SCENT
FILTHY SCENT
See they recognize,
they recognize…ya’ll
must have heard about
me, huh?
ROBBY
Yeah actually we have.
From the cop that served
us this restraining order
that you got against us.
TOMMY YOYO, YOUNGSUCK, and LLOYD SPANX stop laughing and look at
FILTHY awaiting an explanation.
TOMMY YOYO
Is that true Filthy?
106
FILTHY hesitates a moment
FILTHY SCENT
Nah man…never that.
TOMMY YOYO snatches the paper from ROBBY’S hands. The signature
at the bottom is FILTHY SCENT. TOMMY YOYO is disgusted
TOMMY YOYO
That ain’t gangsta
Filthy.
P-UNIT walk over to the brothers side. FILTHY SCENT gets upset.
FILTHY SCENT
What I don’t need Yall…who
wanna do it? Huh? Who’s gonna
take on the champ? You Tommy?
The brother’s and the P-UNIT’S eyes shift behind FILTHY. FILTHY
SCENT realizes, and turns around.
A figure walks in the distance.
TOMMY YOYO
Damn…it’s gonna take
a long ass time for
him to get over here.
He continues to walk, as the brothers and P-UNIT roll craps.
Cuts To the figure still walking, as the brothers and P-UNIT
playing cards. the figure getting closer, as the CAMERA CUTS to
the P-UNIT and the brothers standing by a water cooler talking.
FILTHY SCENT lays on the ground doing push-ups, as a pair of
boots walk into frame.
FILTHY SCENT
Eighteen, nineteen, two
hundred nigga.
FILTHY SCENT hops to his feet.
FILTHY SCENT
So who yall wanna see
get beat up, huh? Who’s
gonna be the one?
P-UNIT and the brothers smile to themselves, as FILTHY keeps
talking.
FILTHY SCENT
What?
As FILTHY SCENT turns around, “THE GAME” stares down FILTHY with
furious expression.
107
FILTHY SCENT
Oh shit.
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER LOBBY – NIGHT (ala Inside Man)
BENEDICT
What do you think you know?
GEN
Let me tell you a story. 16
years ago, a man was a working
replica of J.D Rockefeller. He
used others who were new to the
movie industry; stealing their
ideas, cheating them out of what
was rightfully theirs. This greedy
man ripped off rising movie studios,
shut down sets, and bankrupted companies.
Not only did hundreds of people
loose their jobs, but he used the
money he stole…to start a movie
theater…Mr. Benedict, what would you
think of a man who built his entire
fortune and empire on scams and low
morals?
BENEDICT considers
BENEDICT
I’d say that’s one smart
son-of-a-bitch.
GEN pauses at remark
GEN
You’ll have to excuse
me Mr. Benedict…but I
have some money to
withdraw.
BENEDICT’S guards outside of the American AMC doors hold guns
with bulletproof vests, behind patrol cars.
BENEDICT
You better hope that
I don’t get out of here
cause if I do…
GEN
(offering the door)
Be my guest…
BENEDICT takes this in
BENEDICT
Oh, well…
108
They start to walk to the door
BENEDICT
Hey, what do you say, we
forget about this dangerous
hostage situation, and we go
across the street I’ll buy
us a couple of steaks…no hard
feelings?
GEN
The only cow worth killing
and carving steaks out it’s
back is you.
BENEDICT and GEN exchange glances. CUTS TO BENEDICT. CUTS TO GEN.
BENEDICT tackles GEN. They roll down the steps.
INT. AMERCIAN AMC THEATER VAULT
TESSA working on a computer, as PAULKER and TYRIEK stand behind
her. PAULKER notices GEN’S trouble on security monitor.
PAULKER
Hey look.
TYRIEK and TESSA look at monitor.
TESSA
Oh shit…what do we do?
PAULKER exits.
TYRIEK
See that’s why we should
have brought guns.
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER LOBBY
A man in identical attire enters frame holding a rolled up movie
poster. He approaches BENEDICT and GEN. BENEDICT has GEN in the
“sharpshooter”.
PAULKER
Hey…Hey!…we done?
BENEDICT let’s go of GEN.
BENEDICT
What are you going to
do paper cut me to death?
GEN pulls out a 9mm pistol, cocks it, and puts it to BENEDICT’S
back.
GEN
109
You just crossed the line
we’ll be seeing you.
EXT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER ENTRANCE DOOR (ala Inside Man)
The door opens, and BENEDICT is being directed out the door with
a pistol to his back. They push him out and close the door.
BRUTE GUARD #3
Mr. Benedict are you
alright?
BENEDICT
Shut up.
He approaches the door again.
BENEDICT
What do you think your doing?
Your not gonna get away…THIS
AIN’T NO BANK ROBBERY!
GEN reopens the door
GEN
I never said it was.
He closes the door.
BENEDICT
Yes you did.
GEN reopens the door
GEN
No. I didn’t.
He closes the door.
BENEDICT
Yes, You did.
GEN REOPENS THE DOOR
GEN
No. I didn’t.
He closes the door.
BENEDICT
Yes, You did.
GEN reopens the door
GEN
Yes, I did.
110
He closes the door.
BENEDICT
No, you didn’t.
GEN reopens the door
GEN
Told you.
He closes the door.
BENEDICT
Damn.
BENEDICT gets frustrated and rips his tie off.
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER LOBBY
GEN shuts the door. He walks with PAULKER.
PAULKER
Where the hell did you
get a gun?
GEN
Relax.
GEN shoots PAULKER and startles him.
PAULKER
Shit man…What the hell.
JELLY BEANS lay on the floor by their feet
GEN
I got it from Target,
it shoots “Jelly Bellys”.
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER VAULT
GEN and PAULKER enter
GEN
What the hell is taking
So damn long? That could
Have been my ass.
TESSA
It’s still going to take
some time to transfer the
money to all these accounts.
The bank needed time to verify
the transaction since it’s so
large. It’s probably going to
be another half hour.
111
GEN
Half hour?
TESSA
Yeah, just go out there
and stall…I need more
time…make some demands
order pizza or something.
PAULKER and GEN exchange smerks
EXT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER ENTRANCE DOOR
The door opens. A man holds a gun to another man’s back with
the same attire, he hands BENEDICT a sheet of paper. BENEDICT
snatches it. They back up. The door closes. Brute guard trying to
rush inside, as the door closes, he runs into it and falls
BENEDICT
(reading paper)
15 hungry people need food
now…we also want a Jet and
Samuel L. Jackson to stop
making bullshit movies. What
the hell is a Snake doing on
a plane anyway?
BRUTE GUARD
Don’t you think it’s time
we called the police, Mr.
Benedict?
BENEDICT slaps guard in the face
BENEDICT
No, there’s no cops. I’ll
handle it.
BENEDICT takes a cell phone out of his pocket. He dials. It
rings. We hear a women answer. INTERCUT between BENEDICT and
woman
BENEDICT
I believe we have another
situation.
INT. DARK OFFICE - NIGHT
Women sits in an office lounge chair turned away from the camera.
WOMEN
At which branch?
EXT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER PARKING LOT – NIGHT
BENEDICT
112
At the American AMC.
WOMEN (v.o)
I’ll be there.
She hangs up
BENEDICT hangs up
BRUTE GUARD #1
Who was that?
BENEDICT
I’m sending in a
specialist.
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER LOBBY
TYRIEK, PAULKER, and GEN sit around 10 boxes of Pizza Hut pizzas.
GEN
See…when you want something
all you have to do is ask. We
got our pizza…and thanks to
Arnold Benedict…there’s not
going to be a “Snakes on a
Plane 2”…
SAMUEL L. JACKSON tied up with the other hostages squirming
around trying to un-tie himself. GEN walks over to SAMUEL and
starts petting his bald head.
GEN
Who’s the man, that
understands, that he’s
not going to make no more
shit flix? What?
SAMUEL makes a noise
GEN
Damn right.
EXT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A WHITE LINCOLN CONTENINTAL PULLs UP IN FRONT OF THE
American Amc. BENEDICT approaches it. the door opens
BENEDICT
What took you so long?
EVELYN MERCY
I had to thaw my self…what
the hell do you think.
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER VAULT
113
A computer screen says…”Transactions complete”. TESSA smiles to
herself. She glances over at the security monitor and double
takes.
TESSA
Oh shit.
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER LOBBY
PAULKER, TYRIEK, and GEN. GEN’S radio signals. GEN picks
it up.
GEN
WGEN 97.3, what is your
request?
TESSA (v.o)
Get all of your asses up
here right now!
PAULKER, TYRIEK, and GEN look at each other
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER VAULT – NIGHT
PAULKER, TYRIEK, and GEN ENTER. TESSA hiding behind a chair.
PAULKER
Tessa? What the hell
is going on?
TESSA points at the security monitor
TESSA
Evelyn Mercy’s here.
GEN
Who the hell is Evelyn
Mercy?
PAULKER
I thought Evelyn Mercy
was dead?
TESSA
I thought she was too…look
I used intern with her…
INT. BEAUTY TEEN MAGAZINE HEADQUATERS – MORNING (ala The Devil Wears Prada)
TESSA come in through glass doors. An office chair with it’s back
to the camera. TESSA comes in quietly.
TESSA
Excuse me I have an appointment
With Evelyn Mer…
The women in the chair turns to the front.
114
EVELYN MERCY
Who are you?
TESSA
Hi, my name is Tessa Bene…
EVELYN MERCY
Oh, yes Arnold’s daughter.
Well, From what he says you
sure don’t look like much.
You have no style No sense
of fashion, split ends…
TESSA
Excuse m…
EVELYN MERCY
ACCHH! Don’t finish your
statement.
TESSA
How dare yo…
EVELYN MERCY
Zip it…
TESSA
If I…
EVELYN MERCY
zap it…
TESSA
I never…
EVELYN MERCY
That’s all.
TESSA storms out of the office. Before she completely exits she
knocks over a couple of books, she kicks the trash can. She
starts to fling books and office accessories at EVELYN. EVELYN
dodges everything. She grabs the receptionist desk. EVELYN with a
calm expression, looks up at TESSA.
EXT. SIDE OF OFFICE BUILDING - MORNING
The receptionist desk flies out of the 11th story window and
smashes on TESSA’S car. EVEYLN floats in the air and descends
gently back into her seat and continues reading her book. TESSA
looks out the window and sees her car smashed. She lets out a
terrible scream…
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER VAULT – NIGHT (FLASHBACK ENDS)
GEN, PAULKER, and TYRIEK watching TESSA’S every move.
TESSA
115
You guys, if he’s sending
her in…we need to abort
this mission right now.
GEN
How the hell are we going
to do that? Benedict and
Evelyn will recognize you.
CAMERA PUSHES into PAULKER and TYRIEK
PAULKER
We still have those
Mini Coopers.
EXT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER PARKING LOT – NIGHT
ARNOLD BENEDICT with bulletproof vest standing behind the patrol
car doors with the other guards. EVEYLN smoking a cigarette.
BENEDICT
(to guards)
There was like three
Of them…they grabbed
Me from behind so I
Started stomping them…
EVELYN MERCY
Please Arnold…If only
your branch was as big
as your bark.
BRUTE GUARD #1
You mean bark is as big
as your bite? Right?
EVEYLN MERCY
No.
(Gesturing her fingers)
Branch.
Brute guards begin to laugh.
BENEDICT
I can see you’re wearing
your Prada shoes today.
The entrance door open, and guards get ready.
SECURITY GUARD #1
Showtime.
The security guards cock their guns ready to fire. Midgets exit
the building. The security guards lower their weapons.
SECURITY GUARD #1
(frustrated)
116
Okay I’m done.
SECURITY GUARD #3
(nonchalant)
You guys wanna go
get a beer?
All the security guards enter their vehicles and exit.
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER LOBBY – NIGHT
ARNOLD BENEDICT, EVELYN MERCY, and brute guards enter the doors.
They look around. Brute guard gets the others attention towards a
huge passage in the floor and foot prints leading to the opening.
BENEDICT
What the hell is this?
EVELYN MERCY
Looks like they found
Arnold’s escape route…
BENEDICT
(Not convincing)
How’d that get there?
BRUTE GUARD #1
Well they couldn’t have
gotten far…if their on
foot…or they could be on a…
INT. TUNNEL – NIGHT
Two Mini Coopers fly down the tunnel in a straight line. PAULKER
and TESSA are both in the driver’s seat. GEN begs TESSA to slow
down. TYRIEK begs PAULKER to slow down. The two vehicles drift
around a sharp corner.
INT. AMERICAN AMC THEATER LOBBY – NIGHT
BENEDICT
We can cut them off at
the end of the tunnel…
They exit. We PAN back from the entrance door. ARNOLD, EVELYN,
and brute guards get into their vehicles and drive away.
CLOSE ON:
A closet door moves. The closet door swings open, and SAMUEL L.
JACKSON exit.
SAMUEL
Man…I’ve had it with
these mutha flippin’
117
pranks, and these mutha
flippin’ games…Ima go
home…get some mutha
flippin’ sleep…
SAMUEL L. JACKSON exits still yelling to himself. We PAN BACK to
the computer screen. The computer screen displays an automated
shutdown counter with 10 seconds left. It also bares all 14 bank
accounts with names and a bank balance of: $28,285,714.30 in
every account. the computer shuts off. CAMERA PANS into the
blackness of the computer screen.
MUSIC BEGINS (“WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD” by Louis Armstrong)
EXT. FRONT OF WATERFOUNTAIN – NIGHT (ala Ocean’s Eleven) – MUSIC CONTINUES
DANNY, RUSTY, RUEBEN, GINGER, STANLEY, ROBBY, JAKE, ANGEL,
RONALD, and BASH EAR lean on a railing looking at the water
fountain. Two Mini Coopers pull up. PAULKER, TYRIEK, GEN, and
TESSA exit vehicles. They join the others. They all look at GEN
disgusted by the smell. TESSA looks over at GINGER. She squints
her eyes and shakes her head. GINGER shrugs her shoulders. DANNY
looks over at TESSA. They gaze at each other. DANNY pulls out a
T-mobile Sidekick. He sends her a text message. TESSA picks hers
up. She reads DANNY’S message. It says: “How long till you think
we get caught?”. TESSA silently laughs. She writes back “a year
and a half”. They both walk out of frame together. RUSTY smiles
at RUEBEN. He gives RUEBEN a pat on the back. Then he exits.
RUEBEN exits. The four brothers exit. STANLEY winks at GINGER,
then exits. BASH EAR exits. PAULKER and TYRIEK give five. Then
they exit. GINGER glances at GEN, who is already looking at her.
He winks his eye at her. GINGER scowls at him and then exits. GEN
remains at the fountain alone. The entire group comes up behind
GEN, grabs him, and throws him into the water. They throw bars of
soap in after him. GEN starts to laugh. GINGER falls into water
as well. TESSA, who obviously just threw her in the water, gives
GINGER the middle finger than exits. GINGER and GEN remain in the
water. GEN gives GINGER a seductive look, then goes under water.
WE FADE OUT
“A YEAR AND A HALF LATER”
EXT. SWITZERLAND DOCK – MORNING (ala Swordfish)
GINGER bears a different hair style. A completely different look.
It’s more conservative. She walks towards a yacht after leaving a
Swiss bank. STANLEY stands at the wheel of the yacht. He waves to
GINGER. GINGER waves back. She drops a quarter, and bends down to
pick it up. In the distance STANLEY gets thrown off the yacht, as
another man stands at the wheel. She gets on the yacht.
GINGER
Well, Stanley. $28 million
118
a piece…that Benedict is
a real dumbass, huh?
BENEDICT stands at the wheel of the yacht with a cigar in his
mouth as turns around and smiles at GINGER. GINGER screams.
MUSIC SCORE BEGINS
INT. TOKYO PARKING GARAGE – NIGHT (ala Fast and the Furious: Tokyo drift)
PAULKER and TYRIEK stand by three sexy asian girls next to their
car. PAULKER has a shirt that says “Drift”, TYRIEK has a shirt
that says “King”. LIL’ JJ walks into frame. he gives them a
message. PAULKER and TYRIEK look at each other. PAULKER and
TYRIEK enter their car. PAULKER starts the engine. They pull up
next to a red Lamborghini. We slowly pan up into the passenger
door. PAULKER and TYRIEK pull up next to the car looking in to
see who it is. A tinted window. The window rolls down. BENEDICT!
PAULKER and TYRIEK look at each other and scream!
INT. PRISON CELL – MORNING – MUSIC SCORE CONTINUES
PAULKER and TYRIEK are brought into a cell. STANLEY already
sits in the cell soaking wet.
INT. RECORDING STUDIO – NIGHT – MUSIC SCORE CONTINUES
GEN stands in the recording “booth”. He hangs up headphones, and
exits the booth. He “slaps five” with the producer, picks up his
bag, and exits studio. GEN enters the hallway as he presses the
elevator button. The elevator opens. BENEDICT stands there with
hip-hop gear holding up a sign with his fingers. GEN runs, but
gets clotheslined by a brute guard. GEN is dragged into the
elevator. GEN screams. The elevator closes
INT. SHOOTING RANGE – MORNING
We PAN DOWN, and see men with ear muffs shooting at a target. We
PAN DOWN to BASH EAR, who has no ear muffs. BASH EAR reloads his
gun. He looks around. All the men leave. He faces front. His eyes
get wide. BENEDICT stands pointing a gun at him. He shoots BASH
EAR. BASH EAR on the ground with a rubber bullet laying next to
him. BASH EAR getting dragged away.
INT. PRISON CELL – MORNING – MUSIC SCORE CONTINUES
PAULKER, TYREIK, GEN, and STANLEY in the cell. The cell door
open. BASH EAR gets thrown into the cell. The cell door closes.
BASH EAR gets up and holds the bars. BASH EAR screams.
INT. BAR – NIGHT - MUSIC SCORE CONTINUES
The four brothers sit at a bar with shot glasses in their hands
giving a toast. They knock their glasses together, as they
shatter. ROBBY going to pay the bartender. Bartender lets him
know, “it’s been taken care of”. ROBBY wonders, as bartender
points in a direction. BENEDICT and four brutes toast him from
119
another table. The four brothers look at each other and scream.
INT. MASSAGE PARLOR – MORNING - MUSIC SCORE CONTINUES
RUEBEN face down on a massage chair. a women sitting on his back
rubbing him. Women being taken off his back, and large man gets
on his back and starts choking him. the man turns RUEBEN’S head
to the side. benedict on a massage chair getting rubbed by woman.
benedict waves at RUEBEN, as RUEBEN screams.
INT. FASHION SHOW RUNWAY – NIGHT - MUSIC SCORE CONTINUES
MODELS walk up and down the runway modeling lingerie. ISABELLA
walks down the runway. She sees a handsome guy as she struts. as
she walks back, she looks to eye the same guy but she sees
BENEDICT and two brutes. ISABELLA screams.
INT. HOTEL BAR – NIGHT - MUSIC SCORE CONTINUES
RUSTY sits at bar having a drink. He sees a beautiful women and
approaches her. He whispers something in her ear. She smiles,
gets up, and leaves with him. We see that she was sitting with
two brutes that nod to each other, and follow them
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT - MUSIC SCORE CONTINUES
RUSTY enters the hotel room with gorgeous women. He closes the
door behind them. When he turns to face her, she takes off a
mask, it’s BENEDICT laughing. RUSTY screams.
INT. DANNY AND TESSA’S NEW HOME – MORNING - MUSIC SCORE CONTINUES
Moving boxes pave a spacious kitchen. TESSA and DANNY cut into
FRAME. She pulls a picture out of a box, she proposes that it be
hung on the wall above the stove we notice that it’s the picture
from DANNY’S apartment that says: “till death…no really till
death”. DANNY hesitates. A black Lincoln navigator crashes into
their kitchen. TESSA and DANNY are startled. The door opens as
two brute followed by BENEDICT exit. TESSA and DANNY look at each
other, and scream.
INT. PRISON CELL – MORNING – MUSIC SCORE ENDS
DANNY, RUEBEN, RUSTY, BASH EAR, PAULKER, TYRIEK, GEN, ROBBY,
ANGEL, RONALD, and JAKE sit in the cell. There is an awkward
silence. A guard approaches the cell door.
CELL GUARD
Seawater, you got a
visitor.
DANNY gets up and makes his way over to the cell door.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – NOON
DANNY SEAWATER enters the room. He hesitates when he realizes who
120
his visitor is. CUTS TO BENEDICT with coffee cup in hand.
BENEDICT
Daniel Seawater. Who would
have thought the student
would have ever become the
teacher. How’d you do it?
DANNY
How’d you find out?
They exchange glances a moment
BENEDICT
You first.
BENEDICT and DANNY stare at each other a moment.
INT. LIBRARY – NIGHT - FLASHBACK
DANNY sits at a table, with a pencil in his mouth, reading a book
in an empty library.
DANNY(v.o)
Well first of all…I did
my research on you.
BENEDICT(v.o)
No, No, No…get to the good
stuff…how’d you rip me off?
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – MORNING
CAMERA CUTS to DANNY and BENEDICT
DANNY
Well, we first hit the
Majestic 20…
INT. MEN’S PRISON CELL – NOON
The group still sits in silence.
GEN
How the hell did we
get caught?
We hear the group now talkative. Guard walks into frame from
outside of the cell.
CELL GUARD
Hey! Shut the hell
up bitches.
We hear the men silent again.
121
GEN
Hey guard…tell your
Mom same time next
Week but to take
Her teeth out this time.
CELL GUARD that was walking away now stops in his tracks.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – MORNING
BENEDICT
Okay, Let me get this straight,
stop me if I’m wrong. You stole
the gross for “Get bitched or Die
Cryin” so I would know that it
was you who was robbing me. Knowing
I wouldn’t call the police, because
I stole the movie from you in the
first place.
CAMERA CUTS TO DANNY
BENEDICT (cont’d)
…And you stole my budget
money for “Dark Doom 3” and
had me sign a bogus contract
by one of your people…
DANNY
Ginger.
BENEDICT
Right, Ginger…Had me sign a
contract giving you permission
to use the budget, and shoot a
movie in my theaters, So none
of the footage that I have on
my video monitors of you cunts
actually robbing the place would
be valid. And then, even if you
got caught, you recorded me
speaking in code, acknowledging
that I was the one behind this
entire operation. Is that everything?
DANNY
Just about.
INT. MEN’S PRISON CELL – MORNING
A BRUTE GUARD has GEN in a headlock. The four brothers get up,
but get knocked back down by two other guards.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – MORNING
BENEDICT
122
Well then tell me the rest
so that this recording will
hold up when I take you to
court.
BENEDICT brings out a recording device.
DANNY
I stole “Get bitched or die
Cryin 2” because some dumb
Ass by the name of Filthy
Scent, thought it would be
smart to write a true story
about all the shitty deeds
you’ve gotten away with citing
the real victims as characters.
BENEDICT takes this in. he yells and slams the device on the
floor. it shatters. CUTS TO DANNY smiling. BENEDICT rubs his
eyes.
BENEDICT
Okay, enough bullshit…Let’s
look at our situation for
what it is…I want my money
back, you pricks wanna keep
the money. I wanna get you
bastards back for ripping me
off, and you wanna get my
guards back for kickin’ the
dog shit out of you…Now where
does that leave us?
We hear a door open. DANNY and BENEDICT look towards the door.
Enters WARDEN CLINTWOOD, 65, spoofing James Cromwell’s character
from The Longest Yard.
WARDEN
Good evening, Gentlemen.
Pardon me for intruding
on your conversation but
I couldn’t help over
hearing your dilemma.
BENEDICT
Who the hell are you?
WARDEN
Oh, excuse me. Where are
my manners…my name is
Easte Clintwood…
DANNY and BENEDICT that glance at each other with a smerk.
WARDEN (cont’d)
…Chairman of the XFL and
the warden of this prison.
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And you gentlemen just gave
me a terrific idea for my
season opener…
BENEDICT
and would that be hot shot?
WARDEN
“The Seawater Con Artists” v.s
“The Benedict Guards” in a great
American throw down…
BENEDICT
Who ever heard of cons
playing guards in football?
ADAM SANDLER walks passed the door and looks in the room. he
looks into the CAMERA, shrugs his shoulders, and walks away.
BENEDICT
You know what? I have
nothing to worry about.
It’s a sure thing; every
one of my guards is 6”3,
280 pounds…who do you
have, midgets?
DANNY stands to his feet
DANNY
As a matter of fact, we do.
BENEDICT
My guards versus your jokes,
winner takes all.
WARDEN CLINTWOOD whistles
WARDEN
Do we have a deal Mr.
Seawater?
DANNY
You’re on.
DANNY and BENEDICT shake hands.
MUSIC BEGINS (“HEY” NFL theme)
EXT. XFL FOOTBALL STADIUM – MORNING – MUSIC CONTINUES
QUICKCUTS around the XFL football stadium. Thousands of
Attendants cheer in the stands. Vehicles arrive in the parking
lot. Other vehicles that can’t find a parking space pile up on
top of other cars. QUICKCUTS around the XFL stadium continue.
124
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
Ladies and Gentlemen, this
is Ryan Seabass…still wondering
why I’m the only host in this
movie…But I am out here at the
season opener of the XFL, where
it will be a little bit of a
different event taking place today.
It’s a grudge match, a score that
needs to be settled, we don’t
really know much more than that,
except it’s going to be a big
one.
INT. SEAWATER CON LOCKER ROOM – MORNING – MUSIC ENDS
The men change into their equipment. STANLEY and COACH SMILEY,
Short, black, never stops smiling, enter holding a box. The men
are attentive.
STANLEY
Gentlemen, gather round.
The men get closer to STANLEY and SMILEY in the center.
STANLEY (cont’d)
This is assistant coach
Smiley. He’s in charge
of our whole football
operation.
TYRIEK
So, what’s in the box?
STANLEY puts the box down on a bench and opens it. TYRIEK picks
up a jersey. The name on the back of the jersey says “WAIST
DEEP”. TYRIEK looks at it.
TYRIEK
I guess, this one’s mine.
All the other men pick out their jersey. DANNY’S jersey that says
“Ocean’s Eleven”, PAULKER’S jersey that says “Into the Blue”,
ROBBY’S jersey that says “Invincible”, and GEN’S jersey that has
a question mark on the back.
GEN
That’s messed up.
STANLEY
(smiling)
Wait till you see
the guards jerseys.
INT. BENEDICT GUARDS LOCKER ROOM – MORNING
125
A brute guard picks up a jersey out of an open box. He lifts the
jersey into CAMERA VIEW. It says “Dick Guards” on the front, and
a logo in the shape of a penis. The name on the back says “Pussy
#1”
BRUTE GUARD
What the…SMILEY!
INT. SEAWATER CON LOCKER ROOM – MORNING
RUSTY approaches SMILEY and STANLEY.
RUSTY
What about other players?
There’s only about 11 of us.
STANLEY
Smiley also hooked us up
with some gentlemen that
also wanna piece of Arnold
Benedict.
The Con’s locker room door crashes down. Ten brutes in Seawater
Con jerseys, with the sleeves ripped off, approach RUSTY,
STANLEY, and SMILEY.
RUSTY
Where have I seen these
Guys before?
STANLEY
Remember “Dark Doom 2”?
Dark Doom 3 was supposed
to be there big break.
One of the Con Brutes picks up an empty soda can and eats it.
RUSTY is impressed.
RUSTY
What about cheerleaders?
GINGER, TESSA, and ISABELLA enter the door way with “SEAWATER
CON” uniforms on. The men are really attentive. a dozen other
model looking women come into the locker room.
RUSTY
(smiling and winking)
Where did they come from?
ISABELLA
These are models from my
Agency.
RUSTY
(to Stanley)
And the guards?
126
SMILEY
Let’s just say we kept
It in the penitentiary.
INT. BENEDICT GUARD’S LOCKER ROOM – MORNING
The guards locker room door opens. a group of inmate convicts
dressed as cheerleaders being led by MICHAEL JACKSON, enter the
locker room.
MICHEAL JACKSON
Hello boys.
The guards look up, as their expression turns to fright.
INT. SEAWATER CON’S LOCKER ROOM – MORNING
midgets put on their jerseys, as PAULKER and TYRIEK look on.
DANNY
Alright men huddle up.
The group get into a huddle. CUTS TO ROBBY, and ANGEL.
DANNY (cont’d)
Let us all remember what’s
on the line…respect…is the
ultimate currency…
The men look around at each other.
GEN
Damn that, I’m tryna get
this money man.
The entire group cheers as DANNY gets convinced as well.
GEN (cont’d)
(yelling)
Who are we?
All the men begin to yell but cut themselves off realizing what
the name on the jersey is.
TYRIEK
Why we gotta be the
Seawater cons, man?
STANLEY and DANNY exchange glances.
EXT. XFL STADIUM FOOTBALL FIELD – MORNING
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
And here come the “Seawater
Cons”…led by the infamous
Danny Seawater…and what looks
127
Like to be former NCAA Gator
Bowl M.V.P Robby Mercy.
The SEAWATER CONS come through
rip through a banner that says
the banner and all fall to the
cuts the banner. The other men
the bleacher tunnel. They try to
“Seawater Cons”. The midgets hit
ground. GEN takes out a razor and
come through it.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
The Seawater Cons have to
bring way much more than
that, if they wanna beat these
guards…and speak of the devils…
The DICK GUARDS come through the bleacher tunnel. They approach a
brick wall that has painted letters on it saying “Dick Guards”.
they smash through the brick wall in a stampedes rage. The
Seawater Cons take this in.
The guards and the Seawater Cons meet at center field for the
coin toss.
REFEREE
(to the guards)
Heads or tails?
BRUTE GUARD #1
Heads.
BRUTE GUARD #1 snaps his fingers. BRUTE GUARD #2 grabs the
referee and flips him in the air. The referee flips in the air
and land on his head.
BRUTE GUARD #1
Heads it is.
They move away from each other.
PAULKER
(to Tyriek)
What the hell are we
going to do man?
TYRIEK looks up at a billboard. A billboard that says “XFL:
Extreme Football League, weapons welcome”. TYRIEK looks over at
the sideline. He sees a baseball bat, a man hole cover, tables,
ladders, and chairs. PAULKER and TYRIEK look at each other. They
get the other Cons attention. In the stands, BENEDICT claps his
hands while EVELYN fans herself.
BENEDICT
It’s going to be a good
one.
EVELYN
It better be.
128
MUSIC SCORE BEGINS
All the men on the field get into formation. All the Cons hold
some type of weapon. PAULKER kicks off, as a Guard catches the
ball and runs. The guards are attacked by, kitchen sinks,
television sets, fishing poles, wooden doors, and more. The Cons
attack allows the Guard with the ball to run by them. The guard
scores a touchdown.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
That’s a ninety yard return
and I’ve gotta tell you, the
Con artist look like they’re
more interested in hitting the
Guards, than tackling the ball
carrier.
RUEBEN, STANLEY, and COACH SMILEY stand at the sideline
RUEBEN
That’s how you crack
some ass.
The Cons get into formation to hike the ball. GEN locks his eyes
on Brute Guard #1. Cuts To a flashback of Brute Guard #1 dragging
GEN into an elevator, as GEN screams. Cuts Back to the field
where GEN is still locked on him. DANNY hikes the ball. GEN
leaves ROBBY unprotected, and runs up to Brute Guard with a
cinder block. Brute Guard #1 runs, as GEN throws cinder block
against his helmet. The cinder block shatters, as the guard spins
to the ground, and just lays there.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
Wow…that looks like a personal
foul…but…this is the XFL!
CUT TO:
EVELYN and BENEDICT in the stands
BENEDICT
What the hell was that?
EVELYN
Keep your pants on.
The Cons get into formation again. RUSTY locks his eyes on two
Brute Guards. Cuts To a flashback of two guards, dressed like
KANE and THE UNDERTAKER, in the shower with RUSTY. Cuts Back
to RUSTY still having his eyes locked on the two guards. DANNY
hikes the ball, as RUSTY heads for the guards. RUSTY leaves his
man wide open, as he takes out the two guards with a basketball
hoop. RUSTY’S man is wide open in the endzone, as he catches
the ball, scoring a touchdown.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
129
In the first ninety seconds,
the Dick guards are up by
two touchdowns.
The SEAWATER CONS call a timeout. CUTS TO the CON’S sideline.
TESSA locks her eyes on GINGER. CUTS TO a flashback, where
GINGER kisses BENEDICT with her eyes locked on TESSA. CUTS BACK
to TESSA as she runs over to GINGER and tackles her. The other
Con cheerleaders notice and get in on it, as they all dog pile on
each other. The guards sideline celebrates.
GUARD is being taken out of the game on a stretcher. MICHAEL
JACKSON approaches and check on him.
MICHAEL JACKSON
Oh my god…are you okay?
Do you want me to rub
your shoulders for you?
DICK GUARD #4
What am I? Five years
old?…Get away from me…
MICHAEL JACKSON
Do you know someone whose
Five years old that wants
Their shoulders rubbed?
CUT TO:
The CONS in a huddle.
DANNY
Look guys…$20 million each.
Now do we want it or not.
The other Cons are in remorse.
GEN
My fault guys.
RUSTY
Yeah, my bad.
MIDGET #1
Yeah, my bad too.
STANLEY
Alright, now let’s get
it started!
GROUP
YEAH!
We hear all the men shouting as they run back on the field. cuts
to the press box.
130
WARDEN CLINTWOOD
I think they’re ready
to get started.
MUSIC BEGINS (“Let’s get retarded” by The Black eyed peas)
CUT TO:
The Dick Guards kick off. TYRIEK catches the ball, and runs.
He passes a couple of Guards that are taken out by GEN and
PAULKER with a kitchen sink and flat screen television. TYRIEK
keeps running as two guards tackle him. (the Dudley boyz with a
3-D through a table)
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
And the cons are on the
map ladies and Gentlemen.
Let’s see if they can make
anything happen with the
first down.
The men get into formation again. DANNY hikes the ball, and
throws it to MIDGET #2. DARK DOOM BRUTE #1 picks midget up and
runs with him. The approaching Dick Guards are taken out by
Seawater Cons with wheel barrels, and armchairs. Two dick
Guards get through the others and hit Dark Doom Brute with lounge
chair. As Dark Doom brute falls to the ground, he laterals midget
to GEN. GEN catches midget in a wheel barrel, and keeps running.
A Dick Guard hits GEN with a fax machine. Midget gets thrown out
of the wheel barrel, as ANGEL catches him in a shopping cart.
ANGEL rolls midget into the endzone.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
TOUCHDOWN!
CUT TO:
The ovation in the Dick Guards side of the crowd, as we hear
booing and trash talk.
MICHAEL JACKSON
Stop booing people…
that’s not how we do
it in Neverland.
BENEDICT stands up.
BENEDICT
Hey, Michael…shut the
hell up.
MICHAEL JACKSON
Only if you come and
make me Arny!
BENEDICT sits back down and shakes his head. He looks over at
131
EVELYN who is already looking at him.
EVELYN
Arny?
BENEDICT
Don’t ask.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
And the Seawater Cons will
make it count.
CUT TO:
The Seawater Cons formation, as DANNY runs over to the midgets.
DANNY
You remember the AMC
Job?
All the midgets nod their heads “yes”
DANNY (cont’d)
Well that’s our next play.
RUEBEN rocks back and forth on the sideline with STANLEY, and
COACH SMILEY
RUEBEN
Popcorn…Popcorn…I need
Some popcorn.
RUEBEN gets up, as STANLEY looks at him
DANNY hikes the ball. He discreetly hands off to a midget
running. All the midgets begin to scatter all over the field. The
Dick Guards begin to run after them. Dick Guard #2 tackles a
midget. Midget reveals that he doesn’t have the ball. They keep
running. Dick Guard #3 tackles another midget, and he reveals
that he doesn’t have the ball either. The Dick Guards stop
running and look around the field. They see a catapult on the 30yard line, as a midget loads himself on it holding the football.
The midget waves to the other guards. BASH EAR pulls the lever on
the catapult sending the midget flying in the air. Guards look on
at the flying midget. The midget land in the endzone as the
referee blows his whistle.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
And they score another one!
That leaves the DICK GUARDS
and the SEAWATER CONS tied at
14.
DANNY
(to cons)
Relax Gentlemen we got
this in the bag.
132
MUSIC BEGINS (“Blue Danube” by Strauss)
A Dick Guard runs with the football in hand. The Seawater Cons
run after him. PAULKER and TYRIEK gain on the guard. They get
stopped by a guard on a horse that throws a rope around them, and
hog ties them. The guard score a touchdown. CUTS TO STANLEY on
the sideline with RUEBEN, and SMILEY. RUEBEN grips a trash can
full of popcorn.
Guard catches football, and runs with it, as GEN is hit with a
shovel. PAULKER and TYRIEK are hit with a wrecking ball, as
guards score another touchdown. ANGEL catch a football, and run
with it. He gets hit in the helmet with a ball and chain, as he
fumbles the ball. It is picked up by GEN. GEN runs with the
football, as he dodges guards. He gets tackled (being thrown into
the Gatorade table) MUSIC ENDS.
Seawater Cons call timeout. The score board. It’s the “Dick
Guards:35” and the “Seawater Cons:35”.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
And the Seawater Cons call
a timeout, with the score
tied at 35.
CUT TO:
SEAWATER CONS huddle.
DANNY
What the hell is
going on?
TYRIEK
You said relax.
DANNY
Yeah relax, but don’t
let them score.
TYRIEK
Oh…my bad.
DANNY
Angel, Robby?…it’s
game time.
ROBBY
Don’t worry about it,
we got it covered.
The team “breaks” the huddle and gets back into formation. we
hear a whistle from the audience. This gets JAKE’S attention, as
BENEDICT and EVELYN MERCY in the stands. JAKE takes this in.
He gets ROBBY, ANGEL, and RONALD’S attention. They look at EVELYN
in the stands, and then they look at DANNY. They exchange glances
133
and get into the formation. DANNY hikes the ball. RONALD and
ROBBY leave DANNY unprotected. DANNY gets tackled and fumbles the
ball. The guards pick up the ball and run, as JAKE and ANGEL let
the guards run passed them. The guards score a touchdown. DANNY
wonders.
The guards kick off. JAKE catches the ball, but doesn’t run. He
waits for a guard to come for him, then he throws him the ball.
The guard catches the ball, looks at JAKE, and then runs. They
score another touchdown. DANNY runs over to JAKE.
DANNY
What the hell are you
throwing the game for?
JAKE
(innocently)
I’m not.
The guards kick off again. GEN catches the ball and runs. GEN
spins off two guards, and keeps running. GEN looks behind him for
guards. When he turns back around, all four brothers hit him with
a ladder, sending him to the ground as the ball fumbles. The
guards recover the ball, and run. The guards score another
touchdown. STANLEY calls a timeout. The Seawater Cons meet on the
sideline.
STANLEY
(to the brothers)
You just cost us three
touchdowns, what the hell
are you doing?
ANGEL
(furious)
Ask Danny.
STANLEY
What the hell does
Danny have to do
with this.
ROBBY
We took this job because
we were under the impression
that Benedict was responsible
for what happened to our mom.
he forgot to mention the fact
that she was never killed in
the first place.
STANLEY
How do you know that?
JAKE
Look for yourself.
134
STANLEY looks up in the stands. EVELYN MERCY in the crowd next to
BENEDICT, as she waves a “F*CK THE CONS” foam finger.
STANLEY
Danny, what the hell
is going on…no bull
shit.
DANNY hesitates a moment, as the CAMERA PANS into his face.
CUT TO:
EXT. BRIDGE IN SNOWY MOUNTAINS – MORNING – FLASHBACK (ala “The Italian Job”)
DANNY (v.o)
We just finished shooting
the film, when I was going
to get paid for my script…
An oncoming black van approaches, and a tailgating black van
follow, a Lincoln navigator which plate read “BENEDICT”.
Approaching black van begins to veer into the center.
DRIVER
Would you look at this
Idiot right in the middle
of the road.
CAMERA ANGLE is behind EVELYN MERCY not exposing her face to
audience view.
EVELYN MERCY
What’s this, What’s this-FILTHY SCENT
This is as far as you go.
FILTHY SCENT tries to pull gun out of his pocket but his hand
gets stuck. EVELYN notices. The two vehicles pass BENEDICT’S
navigator honking.
EVELYN
No bitch, this is as
far as you go…
EVELYN smacks FILTHY SCENT, as he screams.
BENEDICT
And I’ll take this.
BENEDICT snatches briefcase out of DANNY’S hand. EVELYN smacks
DANNY, as she takes the gun out of FILTHY’S pocket.
EVELYN
Matter fact, give me
everything you got.
She pulls the gun on DANNY and FILTHY SCENT.
135
EXT. BRIDGE IN SNOWY MOUNTAINS – MORNING
we hear a vehicle door open, and close. The car pulls out of
FRAME, as DANNY and FILTHY SCENT shiver in their underwear. DANNY
has on boxers and tank top, FILTHY SCENT has on pink lingerie.
FILTHY SCENT
Danny come here…I need
your body heat.
DANNY runs away.
CUT TO:
EXT. XFL STADIUM FOOTBALL FIELD – NOON (FLASHBACK ENDS)
DANNY
And Filthy Scent made
up the rumor that we
killed Evelyn to keep
his street cred.
The brothers register the expanation.
JAKE
So actually…not only
you not kill her…but
ended up robbing the
of you, and you were
embarrassed?
did
she
both
just
DANNY
Yeah.
DANNY looks down ashamed
QUICKCUTS TO the brothers, QUICKCUTS TO the rest of the
group. The entire group starts laughing. TESSA, GINGER, and
ISABELLA laughing. CUTS TO the referees laughing. The entire
audience laughs.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
Well ladies and Gentlemen
I don’t know what everyone’s
laughing at, but this sure
beats American Idol…
JAKE
That’s a relief, Danny. Now
we don’t have to lick your
ass.
DANNY is confused.
DANNY
You mean kick my ass,
136
Right?
JAKE
No.
JAKE holds a straight face, as DANNY scared solid.
ROBBY
Okay, lets go out
there and win this
shit.
The Seawater Cons all yell and hype themselves up, as they head
back on the field.
MUSIC SCORE BEGINS
The Dick Guards kick off. ANGEL catches the ball and runs. As
Dick Guards approach, he laterals to midget #3. PAULKER and
TYRIEK pick midget up, put him in a tractor wheel, and start to
roll him. PAULKER and TYRIEK get tackled, as GEN catches the
wheel and continues to roll him.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
With a very unorthodox style,
they make it to the 40…the 50.
GEN gets taken down by a wooden fence. The wheel keeps rolling as
Dark Doom Brutes roll the wheel the rest of the way. They score
touchdown.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
Another Touchdown by the
Seawater cons, as they drop
the lead to two touchdowns.
TESSA and GINGER cheer, as GINGER bumps into TESSA. They stop,
look at each other, and continue cheering. Midget gets out of
wheel holding his helmet and falls to the ground.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
At third down and six, the
Dick guards have the ball
on their own 29-yard line…
Pussy #1 needs a first down
to put this game away.
The men get into formation. The guards hike the ball. Dark Doom
Brute throws a brick at the helmet of the quarterback guard. The
ball fumbles. The ball gets recovered by angel.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
With just under three minutes
left, this has turned into
a game…
CUT TO:
137
The men get into formation. GEN kneels down with a medal fence
wrapped around his jersey. DANNY hikes the ball, and hands off to
GEN, as he runs up the field. Guards try to tackle GEN as they
keep getting shocked on the electrical fence. GEN continues to
run as, the Guards back off. GEN scores a touchdown.
The guards are livid.
The guards on their sideline kick around tables and gatorade
coolers
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
This is really starting to
get amazing.
CUT TO:
STANLEY consults with DANNY and ANGEL on the sideline. STANLEY
has drawn up a play on the board. They nod their heads “yes”.
The men get into formation. Dark Doom Brute sprays corn oil on
the football, as the guards hike it. The ball slips out of the
quarterbacks hands. MIDGET #1 recovers the ball. The quarterback
picks the ball up, while the midget still holds it, and shakes
him off. As the guard starts to run, two midgets simultaneously
kick the quarter back in the stomach. The ball fumbles, as MIDGET
#2 picks the ball up. MIDGET #2 looks up and sees seven Dick
Guards running his way full speed. We hear a plane engine in the
distance. As the Dick Guards leap to tackle MIDGET #2, a rope
yanks MIDGET #2 into the air. As MIDGET #2 is traveling in
mid air, he looks up and sees RUEBEN flying the plane, saluting
him. Guards jump, in the air, trying to catch him. RUEBEN cuts
the rope, and midget falls into the endzone.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
Another touchdown.
CUT TO:
Seawater Cons sideline.
DANNY
Okay, we’re tied with 13
seconds left. How can we
come up with the ball.
RUSTY thinks a moment. RUSTY turns his head to the side. ISABELLA
rubs her legs with sunscreen. She notices RUSTY, smiles, and
blows a kiss at him.
RUSTY
I got it.
RUSTY walks over to the cheerleaders.
CUT TO:
138
The men get into formation. The Dick Guards are ready to hike
the ball, as all the attention turns towards the Seawater Con
sideline. All the cheerleaders take off their uniform and cheer
in lingerie.
DICK GUARD QUARTERBACK
Down…set…hut, hut…hike.
None of the Dick Guard players move as all eyes are on the Con
cheerleaders. Dark Doom Brute approaches quarterback with sledge
hammer. Quarterback just hands Dark Doom Brute the ball, and runs
away. The other players notice dark doom brute with the ball and
tackle him. A timeout is called. The Seawater Cons run to the
sideline.
STANLEY
Alright men…do we go
for the win or the tie?
JAKE
Just a quick recap…what
happens in the event of
a tie?
STANLEY
We split the money
fifty-fifty.
JAKE:
(to the other men)
Should we just tie?
All the men slap his helmet and jersey. PAULKER and TYRIEK dump
the Gatorade cooler over his head.
RUSTY
So I guess that means
we’re going for the win.
DANNY
Hell guys we’re con
artist…We play to win.
RUSTY
Well put Danny…as a
matter of fact you
just givin’ me an idea.
RUSTY looks down at DANNY’S feet.
RUSTY
Your shoe’s un-tied.
DANNY bends down to tie his shoes. RUSTY huddles with the rest of
the men. He gives them a play. They break as DANNY gets back up.
139
DANNY
Okay guys, so what’s
the play?
STANLEY
Just block for Robby.
All the men run back onto the field. DANNY looks at RUSTY, RUSTY
shrugs his shoulders.
CUT TO:
THE SCORE BOARD. “DICK GUARDS: 35” and the “SEAWATER CONS: 35”
with 7 seconds left in the game.
The men get into formation on the guards 20-yard line. They hike
the ball. DANNY runs passed everyone, being the only receiver.
ANGEL throws the ball to DANNY. DANNY catches ball confused. He
looks up and sees Dick Guards on the ground with their shoe
strings tied together. DANNY looks up at the clock that has five
seconds left. He starts to run. The crowd stands to their feet.
RYAN SEABASS (v.o)
…And here it is ladies and
Gentlemen. This is the game.
DANNY raises both his arms as he runs to the twenty, the ten…
The cheerleaders and RUSTY already celebrate. The other Cons walk
to their sideline and sit on the bench. Cuts To the endzone we
don’t see DANNY. we hear the crowd stop cheering. We PAN OVER and
see DANNY standing in front of the touchdown line fast asleep.
The guards untie their shoes, and run after DANNY.
GEN
Oh shit.
GEN gets up from the bench and runs towards DANNY, as the guards
gain on him. CUTS TO the clock with three seconds. Dick Guards
get closer. GEN stops, and loads himself into the catapult. The
guards keep running and see GEN flying over them. CUTS TO GEN in
the air as he gives the guards the finger. CUTS TO DANNY still a
sleep in place. Guards are behind DANNY about to tackle him, as
GEN CUTS INTO FRAME from an Aerial. CUTS TO the clock with 2
seconds left. GEN jump kicks DANNY in the back with both feet.
DANNY tumbles into the endzone, as the buzzer rings. Everyone in
the stadium cheers. The score board reads “Dick Guards:35” and
“Seawater Cons:42”. CUTS TO BENEDICT cheering and clapping his
hands up in the stands.
EVELYN
What the hell are you
so happy about, you just
lost Arnold.
BENEDICT
What?
140
EVELYN
You lost, look at the
God damn score board.
BENEDICT looks up, sees the score, and is livid. MICHAEL JACKSON
walk up the steps next to BENEDICT.
MICHAEL JACKSON
(to Benedict)
We won, we won.
BENEDICT looks over at a little boy eating cotton candy. He puts
MICHAEL JACKSON’S hand in little boy’s pants.
BENEDICT
Security!?
Three security guards tackle MICHAEL.
BENEDICT
Well, that felt better.
BENEDICT walks down to the field.
CUT TO:
Seawater Con endzone. DANNY just wake up next to GEN
DANNY
What happened?
GEN
You got all narcoleptic on
us just before you scored.
I had to run and knock
you in the Endzone.
DANNY looks around.
DANNY
You did all that with
only four seconds left?
GEN
Yeah. This is a movie,
Danny…you know four
seconds is really like
10 minutes.
DANNY
You’re right.
CUT TO:
DANNY and the cons meet BENEDICT and his guards in the center.
141
WARDEN CLINTWOOD walks up with a lockbox.
BENEDICT
Well Seawater, you
beat me.
DANNY
Yes we did…we’ll
take that money now.
BENEDICT
Yeah…I’m a man of my
word.
WARDEN CLINTWOOD hands DANNY the lockbox.
WARDEN CLINTWOOD
Would you like to do
the honors?
DANNY inserts the key in the lockbox. QUICKCUTS to the excited
faces of BASH EAR, GEN, STANLEY, PAULKER, AND TYRIEK. DANNY opens
the box.
DANNY
What the hell?
CUTS TO AN EMPTY LOCKBOX.
RUSTY
Is this a joke.
WARDEN CLINTWOOD
I don’t understand the
check was just here a
minute ago
STANLEY
Wait, where the hell
are the brothers?
BENEDICT looks around
BENEDICT
Where the hell is
Evelyn?
CUT TO:
EXT. XFL STADIUM PARKING LOT – AFTERNOON
A mustang pulls up to the entrance. EVELYN MERCY is in the
driver’s seat. The four brothers exit the stadium and hop in the
car.
EVELYN
Do you have it?
142
ROBBY
Of course I do.
EVELYN
Then I guess we don’t
need these anymore.
EVELYN takes off a mask. We reveal that EVELYN is really MARTHA
STEWART.
ROBBY and JAKE take off their mask. We reveal that ROBBY is JON
ABRAHAMS (Bobby Prinze from Scary Movie) and JAKE is MITCH
MULLANY (White Mike from Wayans Bros.)
WHITE MIKE
I don’t know I just
think that stealing
is wrong.
ANGEL and RONALD take off their mask. We reveal that RONALD is
really MARLON WAYANS.
MARLON WAYANS
What you mean? We stole
what was rightfully ours.
We reveal that ANGEL MERCY is really SHAWN WAYANS.
SHAWN WAYANS
Yeah. We stole from the
man that shut down our
show…remember?
MARTHA STEWART
(smoking a cigarette)
…and the man that snitched
on me.
WHITE MIKE
Oh yeah, yeah…but we still
got paid so it’s all good.
We see a check in the amount of: $396,120,282.00.
GROUP
It’s all good.
They all laugh as they drive away. MARTHA turns on the radio, and
we hear a Gangsta rap tune.
FADE OUT
143