--------------------------------------------------------------------------Our Story So Far:
None you idiot, this is the first batch!
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The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 1. Exterior Shot. Outer Space. The familiar outline of a discshaped
ship with three cigar-shaped pontoons attached to it, moves into view.
As
the ship moves, we see it is coming into orbit above a planet that looks
surprisingly like the familiar shots of earth from space that we all have
grown to recognize. All of the lines in this scene are actually, voiceovers.]
KIRK:
Space, the final fronteir,
PICARD: these are the voyages of the starship, Enterprise,
KIRK:
Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait a minute!
Spock,...what...is...that voice?
SPOCK:
It appears to be the sound of someone interrupting your
soliloquy, Captain.
KIRK:
My solili-what?
SPOCK:
Your opening monologue, sir.
KIRK:
My which-a-logue?
SPOCK:
Your speech! sir.
KIRK:
Oh, yes, well...who...is interrupting...me?
SPOCK:
It would appear to be that balding gentleman at the far end of
the sound stage.
KIRK:
(puzzled) You mean the one in the leotard?
PICARD: This is the uniform of a Captain of Starfleet, NOT a leotard!
KIRK:
Well, it looks like it's made out of nylon.
PICARD: This is SPANDEX!(tm).
KIRK:
Oh, well, is it comfortable? It doesn't look it.
PICARD: Well, not actually, but...
KIRK:
Why do you wear it then?
PICARD: (arrogant again) It's a Starfleet uniform.
SPOCK:
(clears his throat) Captain, this is all very interesting, but
we have been on orbital approach to this planet for far too
long already. We cannot complete our orbit until somebody
finishes the opening. Moreover, the movie cannot start until
then either.
PICARD: The Vulcan has a point. I shall continue.
KIRK:
Just a minute, you unknown, British, Shakespearian, actor...
PICARD: Why you swaggering, over-acting tyrant.
[Sounds of a struggle ensue as the two begin to fight.]
BIG BIRD:
Hey, wait a minute. [Struggle sounds stop.]
KIRK:
Spock,...what is...that thing?
BONES:
Why is everything we don't understand always called a thing?
KIRK:
Shut up Bones, I don't want to deal with you right now.
SPOCK:
It appears to be a giant, yellow, talking bird, Captain.
KIRK:
Well,...what should we...do...about it?
SPOCK:
Logic would dictate that we listen to what it has to say.
Spock?
BIG BIRD:
I was over at the next soundstage, filming Sesame Street
(aside,
to camera) on Public Television, check local listings for time
and station, (back to KIRK, etc..) when I heard you fighting.
I think I can help. Why don't you cooperate?
PICARD: (submissively, already trying to surrender) You mean, we should
both read the opening monologue?
BIG BIRD:
Yeah!
That's called cooperation!
PICARD: Well, Kirk?
KIRK:
(grudgingly) OK. (stage whisper to Spock) Where were we?
SPOCK:
(out loud, missing all subtlety) These are the voya...
KIRK:
These are the voyages of the Starship, Enterprise.
PICARD: It's continuing mission, to explore strange new worlds,
KIRK:
to seek out new life, and new civilizations,
PICARD & KIRK:
To boldy go, where no one has gone before.
[Cue music.]
[Scene 2. Exterior Shot. Outer Space. The old Enterprise finishes its
orbital
approach while the new Enterprise (1701-D) leaves orbit. The camera
follows
the new ship as it flies out of the solar system. It enters warp speed
near an asteroid field. The camera pans around the field, and the
asteroids begin to form letters. Eventually, the following words
float by in a familiar fashion:
Episode XXIII:
Are We Having Fun Yet?
The EMPIRE, under the leadership of the newest
dark Jedi, KARTH GATOR, is gathering their forces
at the edge of the galaxy. Preparing to assault
a new fronteir, a whole new galaxy and conquer
new worlds. The EMPEROR spends much time in the
throne room inside the newly-built, DRECK STAR,
preparing for the carnage he is about to wreak.
Meanwhile, the REBEL ALLIANCE has developed
into a triumvirate ruled by LUKE SKYWALKER,
representing the pseudo-religous Jedis; PRINCESS
LEIA, representing the governments of the alliance;
and HAN SOLO, representing the privateers. Each
of them are dedicated to stopping the EMPIRE.
The letters float off into the distance. An Imperial Tie-Fighter roars
by.
The camera follows the fighter as it approaches a large, pyramid shaped
structure. In the area are several Imperial Battleships.]
[Scene 3. Interior Shot. Emperor's Throne Room. The room is large, but
unusually dark, and mostly empty. There is also a marked lack of droids
of any kind. The throne is on a large dais at one end of the room. A
video
screen shows an exterior view of space. An old, wrinkledman sits on the
throne. He is dressed in only a black robe.]
[A beeping sound is heard.]
EMPEROR:
(gesturing) Come.
[A large powered door opens up, letting in some light.]
GIZMO:
(from Gremlins, in a cameo appearance) Bright light! Bright
light!
STRIPE: (also from Gremlins, also a cameo) Gizmo, ka ka! [Kicks Gizmo
out of the scene, laughs, and disappears.]
[Karth Gator, dressed very like Darth Vader used to be, except that his
helmet looks somewhat like an outback hat, enters. He kneels.]
KARTH:
My liege.
EMPEROR:
KARTH:
Rise, and report.
Everything goes as planned. The last of the attack force is
assembling. Triangulation settins are locked on target. The
invasion grows near.
EMPEROR:
KARTH:
Excellent. What is our first target?
A planet known as Terra, an insignificant planet really, but
useful as a base of operations. Interception of their own
information broadcasts indicate that thier civilization has
been all but destroyed by an attack of giant monsters.
EMPEROR:
Show me.
[Karth pulls out a remote control. One of the early ones, that were very
big and had very few functions. He aims the control at a convenient wall,
pushes a button, and nothing happens. Karth looks at the control, and
bangs it with the top of his hand.]
KARTH:
Damn it, Ziggy!
[He bangs on the remote some more, while it makes Pac-man noises. He aims
and clicks again. This time it works, an old Godzilla movie is displayed.
He is happily trashing Tokyo, breathing electric fire, the usual monster
stuff.]
GODZILLA:
roar)
Aaauuaaaannnnnnggggghhhha (approximation of Godzilla's
EMPEROR:
Excellent! Turn it off.
[Karth is about to comply when a beeping noise interrupts, and an
Imperial
officer appears on the screen.]
OFFICER:
rebel
Excuse me, my liege, but a border scout reports that a
ship is spying on our location.
KARTH:
Destroy it!
EMPEROR:
Hold! Let it go.
OFFICER:
Yes, milord. [Screen goes blank.]
EMPEROR:
No doubt, you wonder at my decision, Gator.
KARTH:
EMPEROR:
Yes, my lord.
I want the Alliance to know of our invasion plans. I need
the Jedi, Luke Skywalker (Karth shudders at the mention of
the name of the killer of so many of his predecessors) to
come to me. I shall finally convert him to the dark side
of the Force. Now go, prepare the fleet.
[Karth exits, as the door closes behind him, the camera focuses on the
black
door. The following words fade into existence on the center of the
screen:
Meanwhile....
At the Universe three doors down and to the right.
Scene 4. Interior Shot. Dr. Hans Zarkov's Rocketship. The interior is a
cylindrically shaped room with couches around the outside wall. Three
people
sit equally spaced around the center, belted in firmly. They are Dr Hans
Zarkov, formally of NASA; Flash Gordon, former pro quarterback; and Dale
Arden, reporter, and former high school cheerleader. Near Dale's head is
a portal, and outside, the sky is pink. The three are forced against the
wall, and Flash's foot is holding down a large red pedal. The room is
shaking.]
ZARKOV: Flash!
FLASH:
You must keep your foot on that pedal, or else!
Or else what?
ZARKOV: It would be bad.
VENKMANN
fuzzy on
(Peter Venkmann appearing out of nowhere) I'm a little
this whole good/bad thing.
ZARKOV: or else we wouldn't achieve escape velocity, we would miss our
chance to enter the worm hole, and be trapped in this dimension
forever.
FLASH:
(thinking of Ming's daughter, the princess) Well, that wouldn't
be so pad.
ZARKOV: With no video games!
FLASH:
(coming to his senses) Right! [He presses harder on the pedal.]
[Exterior Shot. Dr Zarkov's ship looks junkier from the outside than the
inside. It is flying through the air, obviously hung from a string with
sparkler effects coming out the back. Two (2) of Ming's high-tech ships
(high-tech meaning they have tail fins and no string) are giving chase.
One
fires a laser (did I forget to mention armed to the teeth?) at the
junkpile. It misses the ship, barely.]
VOICE-OVER
PILOT #1:
Enemy Bogey over Ming Station-1, Please Identify
yourself.
Enemy Bogey, Identify.
[Just then the worm hole appears and Zarkov's ship files into it.]
V-O PILOT 1:
Foxtrot Tango 1 to Ming Station. Bogey has entered worm
hole.
Request permission to pursue.
V-O CMDR 1:
Permission granted. Dispatch Warlock and Ajax, to bring
back
his body.
[The two high-tech ships bank and enter the wormhole just as it
disappears.]
[Scene 5. Exterior Shot. A white hole can most easily be described as the
complete opposite of a black hole. Theoretically then, a white hole would
repel everything. It would be an intense concentration of anti-gravitons,
pushing away everything, including each other. Scientists have postulated
that a white hole would be at the other end of a black hole. The only
problem is, no one has seen either one of them. Add to this the fact that
a white hole, if it existed, would destroy itself immeadiately by
repelling
itself makes the whole thing completely preposterous. So while a black
hole, reamining undiscovered, is an intellectual curiosity, a white hole
cannot possibly exist and is merely ludicrous. This then, is a gray hole.
Somewhere between a white hole & a black hole. You may consider it
something
almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a black hole. It swirls debris in
a
spiral pattern around itself. Suddenly, from out of the center, a
junkpile
of a rocketship shoots out. It is followed by two (2) high-techrockets.
The
ship streaks across the sky towards a blue police box spinning on it's
central axis. The junky rocket brushes past the box causing it to spin
more wildly. The other two ships bursh by as well, knocking in into a
spin
even more wild, and reckless spin motions. The ships continue on, while
the police box tumbles toward the grey hole.]
[Scene 6. Interior Shot. TARDIS Main Control Chamber. The Doctor (played
by Tom Baker) and Lady Romanadveratrelundar are holding onto the console.
Leela, Adric, & K-9 huddle in a corner.]
DOCTOR: Romana! We must try to stabilize the TARDIS! We're tumbling
directly toward that grey hole!
ROMANA: I'm trying, Doctor, but it isn't easy with us shaking
about like this. Can't you adjust the architectural
configuration circuits to get this room under control,
at least?
DOCTOR: I can't. Not without my sonic screwdriver!
ROMANA: Well, that's in the storage closet!
DOCTOR: I know, but I can't get their with the room shaking this way!
ROMANA: That is why you need to adjust the architectural configuration
circuits!
DOCTOR: And that's why you need to stabilize the TARDIS!
ROMANA: Right. [She pushes some buttons, moves some dials, suddenly
the room stops shaking.]
ADRIC:
Good going, Romana, you did it!
ROMANA: I'm afraid not.
LEELA:
What do you mean?
DOCTOR: She means that, the TARDIS has passed the event horizon
threshold of the grey hole and we're now frozen in time and
space.
ROMANA: Not exactly.
DOCTOR: (looking puzzled) Well, what do you mean then?
ROMANA: I mean that it is just 12:00 and the cameraman went on
lunch break, so he stopped shaking the camera.
ADRIC:
So, what does this mean?
ROMANA: It means, we're safe...for the time being.
DOCTOR: It also means we're without BBC coverage, K-9?
K-9:
Yes, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Can you control the camera remotely for us?
K-9:
Yes, Doctor.
[The room begins to shake again.]
DOCTOR: Good Dog, K-9.
ROMANA: [Pretends to make some adjustments to the console.] There,
I've stopped the tumble.
[The room stops shaking.]
DOCTOR: Good, now what caused that?
ROMANA: Viewscreen on.
[All turn to look at the screen. It shows Zarkov's ship and Ming's two
(2)
ships chasing it.]
LEELA:
That's what caused all the trouble?
DOCTOR: It appears that way, Leela. Romana, where are they going?
ROMANA: Computing. (to herself) What's the integral of (4x-3) raised
to the -1 dx.
ADRIC:
(overhearing) one-fourth the natural log of the absolute value
of 4x-3.
ROMANA: Right. Here's where they're headed.
[The viewscreen changes, showing a familiar, blue-green planet.]
DOCTOR: Well, then, set course for Nexus Point Earth.
[Scene 7. Exterior Shot. The Enterprise (1701-A) is in orbit around a
familiar, Class M planet. We begin with a voice-over.]
KIRK:
Captain's Log. Stardate 314159.7. Upon returning from the
center of the galaxy, we discovered that, for reasons
unknown, the Federation had been wiped from existence.
Spock surmised that 'God' may have done something to
prevent it from ever existing. Scanning Enterprise history
records, Spock found, what he believes is the key moment
in time that must have been altered. We are now going to
attempt time warp back to old Earth date, 1965...
[Scene change. Interior Shot. The Enterprise bridge. Spock is at the
science
station; Uhura, communications; Sulu, helm; Chekov, navigation; Rand,
environmental engineering; Kirk has the conn; McCoy as usual, is leaning
against the railing.]
KIRK:
Kirk out. [Closes log and hands it to a passing ensign.]
Spock, are your calculations,...finished?
SPOCK:
Routing to engineering and navigation, now, Captain.
KIRK:
(Opening a channel) Scotty, how soon can you be ready?
SCOTTY: (over intercom) I dinna ken, Captain. Perhaps 2 hours....
KIRK:
(wincing in concentration) 2 hours divided by four, 2 hours
divided by four...
SPOCK:
One half-hour, Captain.
KIRK:
You have a half-hour, Mr Scott!
SCOTTY: (over intercom) Aye, Captain. Alright, ye lazy bums, get
moving! Run that drill over there...
KIRK:
(cutting off intercom) Uhura, give me an intraship channel.
UHURA:
You're on Public Access Channel 7, Captain.
KIRK:
Attention Enterprise Crew-rew-rew, (echo effect :)
Captain Kirk speaking-king-ing. We have emerged
from the field at the center of the galaxy-axy-xy, to
find that the Federation has been wiped-iped-ped from
existence-ence-nce. We are [Throughout this monologue,
scenes from all over the ship should be played. Examples:
2 crewmen chasing each other down the corridor, a karate
exposition, 2 crew persons necking, a pillow fight, i.e.
No one should be paying any attention to Kirk] about to
attempt Time Warp-warp-arp. Be advised-ised-sed, at this
time-ime-ime. I'd like to say-ay-ay, that today-day-ay, I
consider myself-elf-elf, to be the luckiest captain-tain-tain,
on the face of the earth-earth-earth. [Makes a motion to cut
channel.]
UHURA:
Channel closed sir.
KIRK:
I think the crew enjoys it when I...get down...verbally,
don't you Spock?
SPOCK:
(raising one eyebrow) Indubitably, Captain. Indubitably.
[Spock turns to his console. Camera focuses on screen. It turns out that
the ship's computer is a UNIX machine.]
[Scene 8. Interior Shot. Bridge Computer screen. The following appears
on the screen:
spock@bridge> rn
Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.sex.vulcan-ears
Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.murder.overacting.captains
Warning! Bogus newsgroup: soc.vulcan.death.grip
Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.swedish.chef.bork.bork.bork
(Revising soft pointers--be patient.)
Unread news in alt.hypercube
4 articles
Unread news in alt.horta.language
15 articles
Unread news in alt.mind-meld
Moving bogus newsgroups to end of your .newsrc.
Delete bogus newsgroups? [ny] y
9 articles
********
4 unread articles in alt.hypercube--read now? [ynq] g
rec.arts.paperclip-bending
********
0 unread articles in rec.arts.paperclip-bending--read now?
[ynq] n
********
314,345,965,218 unread articles in rec.arts.startrek--read
now? [ynq]y
Article 93587612495 in rec.arts.startrek:
From: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek, rec.arts.drwho, rec.arts.tv, alt.movies,
rec.arts.startrek.info, alt.cult-movies
Subject: Re: What is with this lame parody?
Summary: Move over Parody, here's something even lamer!
Message-ID: <12202022892@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 17 Mar 45 13:22:20 GMT
Refrences: <2345 Mar 12.2345661.25621@above.omni>
Sender: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Organization: Answers, Bought And Sold
Lines: 19
In article <2345Mar12.2345661.25621@above.omni> yahweh@heaven.above.omni
(His
Most Gracious God) writes:
>Unarguably, this is the most horrible piece of trash ever written. I
>challenge anyone to find something more poorly written than this.
Challenge accepted:
And I quote,
'Glurbitoodledum/a word nonsensical/
in meaning, yet chock full o'/vowels.
Unlike syzygy/with meaning yet/vowels
none./The depth of/the universe/in a
blink of a frog's nostril./They fluglehorn
dances.'
-Death of an Indigent Cow
by James D Quentin
-Oracle
You owe me a large work of poetry by the great masters.
End of Article 93587612495 (of 314345965218)--what next? [npq] q
******** End of newsgroups--what next? [npq] q
spock@bridge> logout
[Scene 9. Interior Shot. A plush, wood-paneled boardroom. A long, black
table takes up a large portion of the room. Nine chairs are placed around
the table. One is obviously occupied, by a man dressed in black, stroking
what appears to be a white cat. It is hard to be certain, for the chair
keeps
its back to the camera. The other chairs are empty, but each is labeled
with
a small sign at its place. The signs read: KAOS, Cobra, Latvia, Red
Lektroids,
Red Headed League, Syndicate, Lex Luthor Inc, Dimension X. The camera
should
pan around the table, making sure each sign can be read. Finally, the
camera
focuses on a set of double doors, and we hear a buzzing noise. The
buzzing
is answered by a raspy voice.]
VOICE: Yes.
SECRETARY:
The gentlemen you summoned are here to see you now. They
don't
look very happy.
VOICE: Send them in.
[The doors open and in walk the leaders of every major crime organization
in
the world. For the syndicate, Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin; for Latvia, Dr.
Victor von Doom, Dr. Emilio Lizardo/John Whorfin of the Red Lektroids;
Hanz Zigfrid, leader of KAOS; Professor Moriarity, the criminal genius;
Cobra Commander; Lex Luthor, of Lex Luthor, Inc.; and Krang, supremde
ruler
of Dimension X, and a disembodied brain. They walk in and sit in their
respective seats. None of them are happy to be there.]
VOICE:
(still not turning around) I suppose you men are wondering
why I called you here.
KRANG:
The thought had crossed me. [Mutters of approval from the
others.]
VOICE:
With the exception of myself, you eight represent the
greatest criminal minds in the world.
KINGPIN:
(interrupting) Who are you anyway?
VOICE:
Who I am, is not important right now. What I can give you is.
DOOM:
And what is that?
VOICE:
Organization. Cooperation among each other. Each of you is
great at what you do, but in many areas you overlap. I'm
surprised you haven't wiped each other out in competition
already. [The men begin to protest, but a raised hand quickly
quiets them.] Kingin, you're organization is superb, but
how much more could they accomplish with access to weapons
like Dr. Doom's. Doom, your robots are incredibly advanced,
but can only be programmed so well. Krang, your mutant creation
capacity is incredible, but you don't really know what kind
of mutants to make. Mr. Luthor could tell you this, and
Luthor, what could you do with an army of super-powered
mutants at your command? Zigfrid and Cobra Commander, your
terrorist actions are impressive, but could be increased
exponentially if you joined forces and coordinated. Moriarity,
your world wide network of miscreants and hoodlums is a force
to reckon with, but lacks direction. I think Dr. Lizardo could
provide them with that, Eh, Emilio?
LIZARDO:
VOICE:
We could crush those Blue Blazer Irregulars like the bugs
that they are!
Gentlemen, I think we can see that each of you has something
to offer the others, those that I mentioned are only the
tip of the iceberg. I propose we form a World Crime League,
to coordinate our actions, and bring the world under our power.
Now, shall we get to business?
[Scene 10. Interior Shot. A lounge or study of some kind. The floor is
done in red, plush carpeting. Downstage right is a small table with an
old-style, black telephone on it. Midstage left is a canopy style bed
with the curtains drawn, although someone is clearly lying in it. The
walls are covered mostly with books and paintings. Upstage center is a
door which bursts open. In walks a person dressed in a 'Phantom of the
Opera' costume. He whips off the mask and is revealed to be Lieutenant
Commander Data.]
DATA:
My friend, [rushes to the bed] I came as soon as I heard.
VOICE:
(from Bed) It is...rejection...My public has rejected me.
My wound...is of the...soul. I die, and so, I flail.
[It becomes obvious that the person lying on the bed is flailing.]
DATA:
I would give anything to save you, my friend. My money,
my fame, my very life!
VOICE:
Your part in 'Phantom of the Opera'?
DATA:
Yes.
[The figure in the bed whips off the covers and bounds out of bed. It's
Jon
Lovitz, as Master Thespian!]
MASTER
THESPIAN:
I feel better.
DATA:
But, you were dying?
MT:
Acting!
[Throws arm up in a trademark way]
DATA:
You fooled me.
MT:
Thank you. [Bows.]
DATA:
[Confused for a moment, then suddenly inspired.] Ring, ring.
[Crosses to the phone and answers it.] Hello. [waits.]
It's for you.
MT:
Thank you. [Crosses to the phone and takes it, Data steps
back.] Hello.
DATA:
Hello.
MT:
Who is this?
DATA:
The studio.
MT:
What do you want?
DATA:
'Phantom of the Opera' has been cancelled.
MT:
Oh no, [Begins to swoon] Say it isn't so, Joe.
DATA:
[Steps forward] It is not
MT:
But...
DATA:
It was me.
MT:
You fooled me...
DATA:
Acting! [Sweeps arm up]
MT:
Wonderful!
DATA:
Thank you. [Bows.]
PICARD: Computer, stop program. [Walks into the scene] Data, what
was that?
DATA:
I discovered a new role model for my acting attempts in the
computer files. His name is Jon Lovitz, also known as Master
Thespian. Is he not an appropriate role model?
PICARD: No, Data, not really.
[The ship suddenly shakes horrendously. Suddenly, Picard and Data are
wearing different outfits. While obviously not costumes, they aren't
uniforms either. Data is in a white, utility, body suit, while Picard
wears a pair of black pants, a grey trenchcoat, and a hat.]
PICARD: What was that?
DATA:
I do not know, sir.
PICARD: To the bridge.
[Fade to commercial.]
-All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes
right.
Copyright 1991 Creative Insights, a subsidiary of Minion Media,
International
Distributed September 1991 by Minion Press, a subsidiary of MMI
Special Thanks for video research go to:
God's Back Pocket Research Firm, a subsidiary of DeityCo
"If we can't find it, you don't want it!"
DeityCo et al are subsidiaries of Virtual Enterprises, GmbH
(Don't worry, we can't pronounce it either.)
Comments, Questions, Death Threats, Marraige Proposals to
lightnin@wpi.wpi.edu
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Our Story So Far:
The Star Wars Empire has decided to expand their power base by attacking
a
little known Galaxy, far far away, believing that this will be easy due
to
some disinformation they received from a Godzilla movie. Meanwhile, Dr.
Hans
Zarkov, Flash Gordon, and Dale Arden have managed to escape from Ming's
alternate dimension while being pursued by two of Ming's fighter ships.
On
their way out, both Zarkov's rocket and Ming's Fighters throw the TARDIS,
containg Dr Who, Romana, Leela, Adric and K-9 into a terrible spin into a
grey hole which they only barely manage to escape due to the fortuitous
happenstance of lunch time. Captain Kirk and crew have emerged from the
fronteir at the center of the galaxy to discover that God has tampered
with
history so that the Federation has never existed. They plan to time warp
into the 20th century to prevent whatever altering has occurred. Finally,
a
mysterious man has brought together eight of the greatest criminal minds
on
Earth (Krang, Prof Moriarity, Lord Whorfin, Doctor Doom, the Kingpin, Lex
Luthor, Agent Zigfried, and Cobra Commander) into a World Crime League.
Finally, Picard and Data are practicing acting lessons in the holodeck
when suddenly the universe changes around them, accompanied by a
tremendous
shaking of the Enterprise-D.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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/ // // ___// ___// __ /
/ // // /__ / /_ / /_/ /
/ // //__ // __/ / ____/
/ // /___/ // /
/ /
/____//____//_/
/_/
The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 11. Exterior Shot. Outer Space. A bedraggled fleet of spacships
that has
all the appearance of having been thrown together at the last minute,
slowly
creeps along. Stenciled to the sides of the ships are words with very
greek
sounding origins, e.g. Pegasus, Andromeda, etc. One is obviously a
warship of
some kind, named Galactica, but the others appear to be nothing more than
freighters or personnel carriers. Suddenly, as the camera moves around, a
squadron of Cylon fighters appears. Immeadiately, the Galactica disperses
a
large amount of Viper fighters. A tremendous dog fight occurs, which
looks
spectacular until you realise that there's nothing really great about
doing
a loop-the-loop, or flying upside down when for all intents and purposes
there
is no down BECAUSE THERE IS NO GRAVITY IN SPACE! [Author's note to
director:
Various snippets of dialogue should be inserted here, the kind of things
that
one would say in a dog fight in space 'Starbuck, one's on your
tail!','take
that Cylon.', and 'My rear ion thruster is malfunctioning, I'm pulling
out!'
are good examples.] Finally, there is only one Cylon ship left, and just
as
a Viper is moving in for the kill, a large, white ship appears with the
sound
of a hundred million people all saying 'Whop' at the same time. It
appears in
the same space that the Cylon ship was in.]
[Quick scene change. Interior Shot. Inside the Cylon-Alien ship. Several
white
robots emerge from the white ship into the interior of the Cylon fighter.
Wielding weapons that look like nothing more than cricket bats they knock
out
both cylons and take one of them aboard their ship. The second cylon
wakes up
just as the ship is disappearing.]
[Quick scene change, back to the original scene. The large, white ship
disappears with the sound of a hundred million people all saying 'foom'
at the
same time. The Cylon ship, now missing one pilot, veers out of control,
enters
a spin, and spirals into a crash landing onto a nearby, convenientlyplaced
moon.]
[Scene 12. Exterior Shot. The Kentucky backwoods. A dilapidated, old,
wooden
shack sits in the woods near a river. There is a wide porch on the front
of the
shack with two, rickety wooden chairs on it. Two country bumpkins (the
obvious
result of generations of in-breeding) sit in the chairs with banjos,
playing a
version of 'Dueling Banjos.' They continue to play. Suddenly, the sky
flashes
purple and a red dot streaks across the sky. The younger 'boy from
Deliverance'
smiles a toothless grin and keeps picking.]
[The scene changes to another spot in the Kentucky woods. A few of the
trees
around are on fire. The wreckage of what looks like a homemade rocketship
is
evident. A long piece of rope extends from the top of the ship, onto the
ground and off into the woods. It is slightly charred. A piece of the
wreckage
begins to move, and out steps Flash Gordon]
FLASH:
Dale! Zarkov! Where are you?
PILE OF
WRECKAGE:
Ungh!
[Flash rushes to the pile and pulls out Dr. Zarkov, while he is helping
the
old scientist to his feet, Dale stands up from under another pile of
wreckage.
She brushes herself off and sees Flash.]
DALE:
Flash!
FLASH:
[Turning to see Dale, he drops Dr. Zarkov and rushes toward
her.] Dale!
[While they are embraced, Dr. Zarkov stands up and begins to look around.
He
samples the dirt, tasting it with his tongue, and then looks up. When he
does
a realisation comes to him, and he begins to get very excited.]
ZARKOV: Flash! Dale! Look at the sky!
FLASH:
[Refusing to let go his lip lock on Dale, mumbling] What about
it?
ZARKOV: It's blue!
FLASH:
We're home!
This is Earth!
(obviously very excited) (Actor's Discretion about what to say
here, just be very excited, whatever you say)
[Flash, Dale, and Dr. Zarkov dance around the woods whooping and
yelling.]
[Scene 13. Interior Shot. Command 'War' Room of the Battlestar Galactica.
Commander Adama as well as other various command personnel are clustered
around. From a side door, Starbuck bounds into the room.]
STARBUCK:
ADAMA:
What was that?
We were just wondering that very thing ourselves.
[A rush of wind interrupts them, various people and equipment are blown
out
of the center of the room. Then a ship which looks like nothing more than
an
upside down Italian Bistro, appears in the space that has been cleared.
From
out of this ship comes an old man wearing flowing robes and a long
beard.]
OLD MAN:
ADAMA:
Have they been here yet?
Who...
OLD MAN:
ADAMA:
The Krikkitean war battalion of course.
No, I mean who are you?
OLD MAN:
ADAMA:
Slartibartfast, now answer the question.
Slarti-,oh never mind. What are the Krikki
SLARTIBARTFAST:The Krikkitean war battalion. Big, white ship. White
robots
carrying cricket bats.
ADAMA:
Oh yes, you know them?
SLARTIBARTFAST:Let's just say I know of them. They've gone already then,
well,
I guess it's off to Earth then.
ADAMA:
Earth!
Did you say you were going to Earth?
SLARTIBARTFAST:Yes, yes, I'll be off now.
ADAMA:
Take us with you, we're headed for Earth too.
SLARTIBARTFAST:Well, ok, but you won't all fit in my ship. Take me to
you're
engine room and I'll see what I can do with this bucket of
bolts.
ADAMA:
Starbuck.
STARBUCK:
Right, come on old man.
[Scene 14. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Starship Enterprise (1701-A).
Kirk,
Spock, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Rand, and McCoy are at their regular
stations.]
UHURA:
Commander Scott reports engineering is ready for time warp.
[Kirk checks his watch, which the camera notices is a Mickey Mouse
watch.]
KIRK:
A half hour to the second. Mr. Sulu, are you ready?
SULU:
Yes captain.
KIRK:
Engage.
[The engines get louder and louder as the ship warps toward the sun. The
people on the bridge begin to shake in their chairs.]
KIRK:
Spock, engage turbolift door locks, we don't want Uhura falling
through like she did last week.
SPOCK:
[Moving a dial on his console.] Engaged Captain.
SULU:
Approaching Warp 6...Warp 7...Warp 8...
CHEKOV: External sensors register net temperature increase of 1000
degrees.
SULU:
Warp 9...Warp 10...Warp 11...
KIRK:
Apply braking thrusters.
SULU:
Thrusters...engaged.
[Not that the warning was necessary. As Sulu's last syllable fades out,
the
ship lurches forward. McCoy is thrown head first over the railing, Kirk
is
forced out of his chair. Rand and Spock are thrown back into theirs. Oddl
enough, Uhura is in fact thrown against the turbolift doors. Sulu and
Cheko
are saved from serious harm by airbags which pop out of the consoles in
front
of them. On the viewscreen weird effects of light are happening and
different
shapes appear. Suddenly, Rod Serling appears on the screen.]
ROD:
You are about to enter a new dimension. A dimension beyond
sight and sound. Beyond science and reason. It is the border
ground between that which is real, and that which is stupid.
The yin for reality's yang. You are about to come face to
face with the silliest part of yourselves. You have entered,
The Parody Zone.
[During the preceding lines, the traditional run-in of the Twilight Zone
is
shown on the screen. At the conclusion the screen goes staticy. As the
static fades out, the bridge is seen. It is darkened. Sulu, Chekov,
Spock,
and Rand are slumped over in their chairs. Uhura is lying in a heap
against
the turbolift doors. Kirk and McCoy are lying on the floor. Despite the
fact
that Spock is physically and genetically stronger than Kirk, Kirk is the
first
to wake up.]
KIRK:
(Returning to the conn)
Status...Mr. Sulu
SULU:
(Waking up) Braking thrusters have fired.
[Slowly, the rest of the bridge crew wakes up.
at
McCoy who is still laying on the floor.]
Kirk looks down his nose
KIRK:
Physician, heal thyself.
McCOY:
[Leans up on one elbow.] What about my acting performance?
KIRK:
I'm not a drama critic.
SPOCK:
[Looking into scanner] Precisely 1.259683 miles above White
Sands, New Mexico. The local date is Jan 14, 1965.
KIRK:
How can you be so sure?
coverage of the globe?
SPOCK:
No, I had Lieutenant Kyle beam up this newspaper.
KIRK:
Ah, simple logic.
UHURA:
All stations report minimal damage, sickbay reports minor bumps
and bruises and request that Doctor McCoy keep his nosy behind
Spock what is our position?
Did you estimate from the smog
Uhura, damage report.
out of there. Commander Scott requests to speak with you.
KIRK:
On channel, Go ahead Scotty.
SCOTTY: We have a wee bit of a problem, Captain.
KIRK:
What is that, Mr. Scott.
SCOTTY: Ummmm...hold on a minute...(muffled) where's the damn excuse
manual?...Well, I dinna expect 'im to ask either...ah here i
is. (Sound of ruffling pages) Ummmm....the positronic flow
valves have jammed, we kinna fix 'em here, and without them,
we kinna reach warp speed.
KIRK:
Damn.
SPOCK:
This shouldn't really present a problem.
approach light speed.
KIRK:
Scotty?
SCOTTY: Aye, sub-light isna a problem.
tribble at all.
Assuming we can still
We can reach Warp .99 with no
KIRK:
(wincing) Don't say that word! If I never see another of those
furballs again, it'll be too soon.
SPOCK:
In any case, we can effectively travel forward in time. By
appraoching the speed of light, the laws of relativity will
allow us to rocket forward 400 years in just days.
KIRK:
Well, with that solved.
Mr. Sulu, standard orbit if you please.
[Scene 15. Exterior Shot. New York City, outside the UN building. A
whirring
sound is heard and about 8 seconds later, a blue, London Police box
appears
in the foreground. The door to the box opens and the Doctor, Romana,
Leela,
and Adric walk out. The Doctor is wearing his customary jacket and long
scarf. Romana is dressed in a contemporary outfit for the location.
Leela,
as usual, is wearing almost nothing, and Adric is wearing the Mideival
Serf
type thing that he always does. As they walk towards the building, K-9
rolls
out of the TARDIS]
DOCTOR: K-9.
K-9:
Yes, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Stay with the TARDIS, we don't want to attract any attention.
K-9:
(after an almost impreceptible electronic sigh) Yes, Doctor.
[The Doctor and his three companions bound up the steps to the UN,
followed
by about fifteen teenage boys, panting and drooling after Leela. She
turns
around, sees them, throws a knife at the feet of the boy in front, and
they
scatter. She picks up her knife and follows the doctor into the UN.]
[Scene Change. Interior shot. The Main Lobby of the UN. To the right is a
desk
with a sign reading 'Information.' Behind the desk is a young woman in a
blue
blazer with the UN logo on the front pocket. The Doctor walks up with his
companions in tow. The woman looks at them incredulously.]
DOCTOR: Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart's office, please.
UN GIRL:
What?
ROMANA: We're looking for the office of the head of the UN Task
Force on Extraterrestrials, a Brigadier General LethbridgeStewart.
DOCTOR: I believe I said that.
UN GIRL:
LEELA:
Look, sir, ma'am, the UN is a busy place. We can't have
any wacko who walks off the street disturb the diplomats.
[Has been sneaking around the desk behind the girl. She
grabs the UN girl by the hair, and holds a knife to her
throat.] Shall I kill her now, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Leela, put the knife away. [Relunctantly, she does.]
UN GIRL:
That's it, I'm calling security.
DOCTOR: (getting indignant) Is that absolutely necessarry?
[Two UN Security guards appear who, oddly enough, are wearing red shirts.
(Author's Note: Experienced parody readers will immediately recognize the
preceding sentence as foreshadowing, thus qualifying this piece of work
as
quality literature. Remember, foreshadowing, your key to fine
literature.)
They (the security guards) quickly gather up the Doctor and his
companions
and bustle them out the door to a chorus of "hey"'s, "watch it buddy"'s,
and
a couple of "Would you care for a jellybaby"'s.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Outside the UN Building, again. We see, the
Doctor, Leela, Adric, and Romana (in that order) go flying through the
air. They land in a crumpled heap by the TARDIS. The red-shirted guards
say "Resistance is Useless" which makes them feel very pleased with
themselves,
they turn to walk into the building when all of a sudden, from out of
nowhere,
a bolt of lightning streaks down and kills the both of them. The four
Companions disentangle themselves.]
DOCTOR: (brushing himself off) Well, then, Plan B.
ADRIC:
What's Plan B?
ROMANA: (spotting a telephone) Give me a quarter. [She holds out
her hand.]
DOCTOR: We give Romana a quarter...[He hands one to her and she walks
toward the phone.]
ADRIC:
And then what?
DOCTOR: Well, we wait.
ADRIC:
(obviously confused) Oh.
[Scene 16. Interior Shot. The studio where Late Night with David
Letterman is
recorded. It is the middle of the show, just as Super Dave Osbourne has
left.
(You just missed him, doesn't that make you happy?)]
DAVE:
Hee, hee, hee, that Super Dave is great isn't he Paul?
PAUL:
Yeah, Dave.
DAVE:
Well, kids, next on our show...
[The ringing of the phone interrupts him.]
DAVE:
Paul, who could that be?
PAUL:
I don't know. Is it you, Anton?
[Anton shakes his head and holds up his phone which is firmly on the
receiver
as proof.]
DAVE:
Morty, did you schedule this call?
CROWD:
Weasel, Weasel, weasel, weasel....
[Morty shakes his head no.]
DAVE:
Listen to that crowd. Well, I guess I'll answer the phone,
hee, hee. A little answering the phone music, Paul?
PAUL:
[Moves to the Piano and plays some high notes] Dave's
answeeeerrrrriiiinnnggg the phoooonnne.
[Dave picks up the phone and sets it on his desk and picks up the
receiver.]
DAVE:
Hello?
ROMANA: (In voice over, her voice electronically effected by the
cheap phone Dave has) Hello, David. It's Romanadveratrelundar.
I need your help.
DAVE:
Romana, babe, how can I help you.
ROMANA: I need to see Brigadier Stewart in the UN.
DAVE:
No problem, I'll be right there. [He hangs up.] Who wants to
storm the UN? Paul?
PAUL:
Sure, Dave.
DAVE:
Morty? [He shakes his head no.]
CROWD:
Weasel, weasel, weasel....
DAVE:
Hee, hee, Biff? Al Maar? C'mon.
troubled teen along too.
Hey, bring Dwight, the
[He gets up from his desk and heads out the door. Paul, Biff Henderson,
Al
Maar, and a couple of stage hands and pages follow him.]
DAVE:
Paul, bring your keyboard.
[Paul runs back, gets a portable keyboard and the four or five of them
run out
of the studio and into a conveniently waiting limousine. The limo
travels the
streets of New York until it pulls up in front of the UN.]
DOCTOR: Romana, who is this?
DAVE:
Dave, Dave Letterman. [He grabs the Doctor's hand and pumps
his arm.] Now, shall we go.
[He heads up the stairs with his friends and the Companions.
pause
at the front door.]
DAVE:
They all
Paul, a little 'storming the UN' music, please.
[Paul begins to play a funky version of the Mission: Impossible theme,
they
go into the building.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. UN Lobby (again) Dave walks up to the
information
desk.]
DAVE:
Hi, Dave Letterman. I'll just show myself around.
[He takes off down a corridor. The whole crew searches the floors until
they
come to the Brigadier's office.]
ROMANA: (stopping) Here it is David.
DAVE:
OK, Romana, babe, glad to help. I gotta get back to my show.
ROMANA: Thank you David.
[Dave and his entourage leave the scene and the Mission Impossible theme
fades out with them. Romana knocks on the door.]
[Scene 17. Exterior Shot. The Moulin Rouge in Paris. As we watch, three
of
the blue fighter planes that Cobra uses strafe the building, destroying
it.
Fires rand and rescue vehicles rush up, screeching to a halt in front of
the
building.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. The inside of a large bank. All is normal,
and
it is quite obvious that we are seeing a tape made by a security camera.
Suddenly, five gangster types wielding laser weapons barge in. While two
of
them hold the customers and staff at gun point, two more burn a whole in
the
safe door. The five of them run into the safe and run out carrying
armfuls of
money sacks.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. The California Coastline. From out of the
water
come humanoid barracuda mutants. At least twenty of the humanoids are
emerging
from the sea. As they come up from the ocean, they immediately attack the
people on the beach. Carnage flies everywhere.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Picadilly Circus, London. A crowd is
gathered
around a lone constable, each yelling about the recent crime spree.
the
corner of the screen, a young boy is pickuing a man's pocket.]
In
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. A television news studio. In the corner of
the
screen is a small window which continues to show acts of violence, crime,
and
terrorism. An announcer with wavy hair and a serious tone ov voice sits
behind a desk in the foreground.
ANNOUNCER:
No one knows who is responsible for these random and
seemingly meaningless acts of violence, crime, and
terrorism. Police and intelligence officials world wide
have stated that the crimes don't fit the pattern of any
known criminal or terrorist group. However, earlier today,
this station received a video tape from an anonymous source.
On this tape a group calling themselves the World Crime League
claims responsibility. Here is that tape.
[In the insert window, the same office as in scene 8 appears. The camera
is
focused on the chair at the head of the table. The chair still has it's
back
turned and the man in the chair is still petting a cat.]
[The insert window zooms forward to fill the entire screen.]
VOICE:
I come into your homes today to tell you of a new World
Order. The World Crime League, through its control of
every criminal, thug, terrorist, villain, and evil mastermind
on the planet, can control every aspect of your life. You
have been warned.
[The screen goes blank.]
[Scene 18. Interior Shot. Banzai Institute's general
Buckaroo
Banzai, New Jersey Jones, Perfect Tommy, Dr. Hikita,
the Hong Kong Cavaliers are clustered around a large
having
just complete watching the above newscast. Buckaroo
thought.]
TOMMY:
laboratory.
Reno and the rest of
screen television
steps back in
This is some serious...
[Suddenly, Buckaroo snaps into a frenzy of energy. As he gives orders,
the
Cavaliers rush to fill them.]
BUCKAROO:
Tommy, see if we have a Blue Blazer Irregular working at
that
station. Tell him, we're going to need the original tape,
have him make copies for any intelligence agencies, but make
sure WE get the original.
TOMMY:
Right.
[He heads off.]
BUCKAROO:
TOMMY:
And Tommy, no strike teams.
Right.
BUCKAROO:
Hikita-san, we're going to need your tape analyzing
equipment.
Reno, cross-reference that voice pattern with our computer
files, I want to know who it is we're dealing with. New Jersey
come with me. We're heading for that station right now.
[Heading out the door, he starts talking into a radio.] Get
World Watch One ready.
[Everyone scatters to get to work.]
[Scene 19. Interior Shot. Bridge of the starship, Enterprise (NCC-1701D).
William Riker, dressed as a 17th century pirate, occupies the Captain's
chair. Tasha Yar, in a karate gi is at security/communications, Wesley
Crusher, looking somewhat nerdish in a white lab coat, blue high-tops,
and
jeans is at navigation, while Worf at ops wears something remarkably
similar
to battle armor. The turbolift doors, located upstage right, opens and
Picard
and Data (dressed as they were before) enter, just as the ship shakes
again.
Recovering their balance, Data takes over for Worf at Ops, who moves to
Science 1, while Picard walks to center stage.]
PICARD: Riker, report.
RIKER:
We seem to be encountering a kind of turbulence.
PICARD: Turbulence!
In Space!
Don't be ridiculous.
WESLEY: Actually, Captain, they're ripples in the space/time
continuum. The ship is being jumped around into different
times, microseconds apart really, causing it to shake
unceasingly. It's not unlike my current science proj...
PICARD: (interrupting) Shut up, Wesley!
DATA:
I've traced the source of the turbulence, sir. It comes from
a planet in the Chi'Kago star system, approximately 106 light
years ahead.
RIKER:
(raising one eyebrow) Approximately, Data?
DATA:
The eddies in the space/time continuum make exact readings
impossible.
[Suddenly, a Victorian era couch appears out of nowhere, onto the bridge.
Two
men are sitting on the couch, haning on for dear life. One is wearing a
bath
robe and the other is carrying a battered satchel. Before anything can
be
done, the couch disappears.]
[Riker and Picard exchange glances. The turbolift doors burst open and
Guinan
walks onto the bridge.]
GUINAN: Picard, may I speak with you ... alone.
PICARD: Of course, In my ready room. Riker, you have the conn.
[Picard and Guinan walk towards the Ready Room. Riker strikes a dramatic
pose and in his current state of dress, it works.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Captain Picard's Ready Room. Picard and
Guinan
walk in and sit across the desk from each other. Picard kicks back and
puts
his feet up on the desk, reaches into a nearby file cabinet and pulls out
a
bottle of rye synthehol.]
PICARD: Care for a drink, Guinan?
GUINAN: No thank you, Captain.
[He shrugs, takes a swig, and puts the bottle away.]
PICARD: What did you want to speak to me about?
GUINAN: This is wrong, Captain.
PICARD: Well, why did you ask to come in here then.
GUINAN: No, I mean, your clothes, the crew, all of it, everything
is wrong.
PICARD: Freedom is wrong? Free Enterprise is wrong?
fabulously rich is wrong?
Getting
GUINAN: No, I mean, we aren't pirates.
PICARD: Of course we aren't, we're privateers, big difference you
know.
GUINAN: We belong, or we're supposed to belong, to Starfleet. The
military branch of a galaxy wide government known as the
United Federation of Planets.
PICARD: Us?
Conscripts of some military machine, like the Romulans.
GUINAN: It's not like that.
PICARD: Thank the gods for that, eh? [The ship shakes.] You'll
pardon me if I don't get worried about thhis, but I have
more pressing matters to attend to.
[He gets up and heads for the bridge. Guinan follows, fuming.]
[Scene Change. Enterprise main bridge. Picard and Guinan walk in from the
ready room. Guinan immediately goes to the turbolift. She looks
agitated.]
TASHA:
Hello, Guinan.
GUINAN: [Spins around to look at her.] I don't know you. [Turns back
toward the lift and bumps into Geordi coming out. Throws him
aside and leaves.]
GEORDI: What's wrong with her?
[Tasha shrugs. BTW, Geordi is wearing black shoes, black socks, black
pants,
white shirt, black jacket, black hat, and a pair of sunglasses.]
PICARD: Data, distance to Chi'Kago system, again?
DATA:
Approximately 106 light years, sir.
PICARD: Lay in a course for the source of the distrubance, Warp Factor
7.
WESLEY: Course laid in.
[Said, after pressing several buttons.]
PICARD: Mr. LaForge, Engineering Report.
GEORDI: [Checking Science 4 (Now Engineering 1)] It's 106 light years
to Chi'Kago, we've got a full bank of dilithium, [thumbs a
cigarette from his pocket] half a pack of syntherettes, It's
dark in space, and I'm wearing sunglasses.
PICARD: [Turns toward the viewscreen and points.] Hit it.
{Author's note, yes that was a cheap joke, but I liked it and that's what
parody's are about anyway.}
[Scene 20. Interior Shot. A rather cramped, metal hallway. Walking along
the corridor is a bronze colored protocol droid. Rolling along beside
him
is a small, trash-can shaped droid.]
C3-PO:
I don't know what Master Luke wanted, R2.
meet him in the briefing center.
R2-D2:
Bleep, bleep, whirr, bleep, whistle, beep.
He just said to
C3-PO:
No, I don't think he's going to lift you in the air again.
Ah, here we are.
[A steel door opens up and the two droids move into a large room. The
room
is mostly filled with rows of chairs which face a wall at the front of
the
room. Each row is set on a tier higher than the one in front of it. Two
rows of stairs descend toward the front of the room. C3-PO and R2-D2
have
walked in at the back. At the front of the room, Luke Skywalker, Han
Solo,
Princess Leia, Chewbacca, and Lando Calrissian wait.]
LUKE:
3-PO, R2, thanks for coming. R2, let me help you down. [He
extends a hand toward the droids.]
R2-D2:
Bleep, whistle, blink, bloop, whirrrrr, beep!
C3-PO:
He says, he'd rather you didn't sir.
LUKE:
[shrugs] OK.
[The two droids move forward, when they reach the first step, C3-PO steps
down, but R2-D2 rolls off the edge, falls over, and begins to tumble end
over end, beeping and whirring, while C3-PO chases after him. R2-D2
lands
in a crumpled heap at the bottom.]
R2-D2:
Beep, beep, whistle, beep, whirrrrrrr!
Bloop!
C3-PO:
He says, 'I meant to do that.'
HAN:
Right. [Turning to the others, while Chewbacca puts R2-D2
right side up.] What are we here for, anyway.
LEIA:
Let me show you. [She operates a hand-held control and the
large viewscreen shows the Empire's fleet gathering at the
Galactic Rim.]
LANDO:
[Let's out a low whistle] That's some fleet.
LEIA:
We believe that the Emperor is planning to attack another
galaxy, far, far away.
HAN:
Good riddance!
LEIA:
Solo! A new war would quickly drain the resources of this
galaxy, as well as strengthen the forces against us.
LUKE:
What are we supposed to do.
LEIA:
We've been assigned to go ahead and organize the people of
Get him off our backs!
that galaxy to fight the Empire.
[A side door slides open.
walks in.]
A man wearing a flight suit and a red helmet
LEIA:
What is it, Wedge?
WEDGE:
The Millenium Falcon and an X-Wing are ready for your team,
Princess.
LEIA:
Thank you, Wedge.
[He turns to walk out.
back, killing him.]
Han pulls out a blaster and shoots Wedge in the
LUKE:
Han!
What'd you do that for?
HAN:
That guy's been in every movie and he's always killed within
five minutes.
LUKE:
Oh.
LEIA:
OK, let's move people.
[They all rush out.]
-All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes
right.
Copyright 1991 Creative Insights, a subsidiary of Minion Media,
International
Distributed September 1991 by Minion Press, a subsidiary of MMI
Special Thanks for video research go to:
God's Back Pocket Research Firm, a subsidiary of DeityCo
"If we can't find it, you don't want it!"
DeityCo et al are subsidiaries of Virtual Enterprises, GmbH
(Don't worry, we can't pronounce it either.)
Comments, Questions, Death Threats, Marraige Proposals to
lightnin@wpi.wpi.edu
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Our Story So Far:
In the midst of a battle with the Cylons the crew of the Battlestar
Galactica
are shocked to see (what they are soon to discover is) a Krikkitean
Battle
Ship appear inside a Cylon Fighter. The Krikkitean robots steal one of
the
Cylons and then disappear, ending the battle. Meanwhile, Zarkov et al
have
crashed in the Kentucky Backwoods and begin to pick their way back to
civilization. Slartibartfast appears on the bridge of the Battlestar
Galactica and is convinced to take them to earth with him, but first
converts
their primitive engines. The crew of the Enterprise-A commence their
time
warp, only to severely damage their warp engines in the process. The
Doctor
and Companions are thrown out of the UN, but eventually get in with the
help
of David Letterman. The World Crime League begins a wave of terror and
Buckaroo Banzai and the Hong Kong Cavaliers began plans to thwart their
evil plots. Guinan attempts to convince Picard that they are not
actually
Rogue Space Pirates, but really members of Starfleet. Finally, the
leaders
of the REBEL ALLIANCE decide to head to Earth ahead of the EMPIRE to
prepare
them to resist.
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/ // // /__ / /_ / /_/ /
/ // //__ // __/ / ____/
/ // /___/ // /
/ /
/____//____//_/
/_/
The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 21. Interior Shot. A fine, wood-panelled office. A few pictures of
recent presidents hang on the walls. One wall is actually a bookshelf,
holding such titles as 'KAOS: Terrorists or Industrialists?','Who's Who
in
Control' and '101 Uses for a Dead CIA Agent.' At the back of the room is
a large, oaken desk with a nice office chair behind it and a small chair
in
front of it. One of the walls turns out to be a sliding door. You notice
this
when it opens and lets in Agent 86, Maxwell Smart. A white-haired,
balding,
portly gentlemen, known only as Chief, rises from behind the desk.]
CHIEF:
Max, I have an important assignment for you.
MAX:
Right, Chief.
CHIEF:
Have a seat, Max, let me brief you.
MAX:
Uh, Chief, is this information -- TOP SECRET?
CHIEF:
You know the answer to that, Max.
Of course it is.
MAX:
In that case, I suggest we use the Cone of Silence.
CHIEF:
(sighs) Is that really necessary?
MAX:
I insist.
CHIEF:
Oh, all right.
[Chief touches a button on his desk and the Cone of Silence drops down
from
the ceiling. The cone is two, clear, spherical bubbles connected by a
clear
cylinder. (Really Cheesy) The balls fit over the heads of Max and Chief.
In
this portion of the scene, the camera holds a closeup of whomever is
speaking.]
CHIEF:
OK, Max, as you've probably noticed, there has been an
increase of terrorist activities around the world recently.
We've reason to believe that KAOS is involved, but also
that they've gotten some heavy-hitting help.
MAX:
What makes us think that, Chief?
CHIEF:
A group calling themselves the World Crime League is claiming
responsibility.
MAX:
Right.
CHIEF:
Your mission is to find out anything you can about this group.
I've assigned 99 and Hymie to assist you.
MAX:
Right, Chief.
CHIEF:
And what do you know, this thing worked after all. [He pushes
a button on his desk but nothing happens] What the...[he
continues to push the button, getting irritated.]
MAX:
Here, let me try, Chief. [He ducks out from underneath the
cone, as does the Chief, Finally they give up. As they are
walking towards the door, the Cone of Silence collapses on
the desk, shattering.] Sorry about that Chief.
[Scene 22. Interior Shot. Pilot Compartment of the Millenium Falcon. In
the
Pilot's seat is Han Solo, in the co-pilot's chair is Chewbacca. Behind
Chewie is Princess Leia. Lando walks in from another part of the ship
and
sits behind Solo.]
LEIA:
Did you get 3-PO fastened down?
LANDO:
No problem. [He flashes a Billy Dee Williams Grin (tm)]
HAN:
Did you hog tie him like I suggested?
[Another trademark grin from Lando.]
LEIA:
You didn't?!? [She begins to get up.]
LANDO:
No, I didn't.
LEIA:
Oh, good. [She sits again.]
LANDO:
I soldered his feet to the floor.
HAN:
[Jumping in before Leia can say anything.]
jump to Hyperspeed. Luke, you ready?
LUKE:
(over radio) All set, Han.
HAN:
OK, everyone belted in?
Prepare for the
Good, go for jump.
[Han moves a few levers on the control board and the Star Wars Hyperspace
Effect takes place outside the window. As they come out of the
hyperspace
jump, Leia is fuming.]
LEIA:
I don't believe you!
into the radio link.
YOu could at least have pateched him
C3-PO:
(over radio) He did, Princess.
LEIA:
3-PO?
C3-PO:
Oh yes, it was much more pleasant than the time his men
dismantled me and almost sold me for scrap.
Are you all right?
[Everyone laughs.]
HAN:
Well, it's a long, long, way to our distination. I'm going
to take a nap. [He gets out of his seat and heads back.]
[Scene 23. Interior Shot. A run-down
through the window) that winds through
shcak wants to be a country store, but
everything gives credence to the rumor
quite some time.]
shack on a rowd (clearly visible
the forest. It is clear that the
the inch-thick layer of dust on
that no one has been in here for
[Flash, Dale, and Dr. Zarkov walk in the door. Despite the fact that
they
have just led an attack on one of the most ruthless opponents in the
universe, Ming the Merciless; made not one, but two, bold crosses of the
dimensional barrier by travelling through a black hole; been brutally
beaten
and tortured by said ruthless opponent, Ming; side-swiped a time machine
of
alien origin; and crash landed a rocket ship made out of old washing
machine
parts in a forest in Kentucky; not to mention that they did all of this
in
a day and a half. Despite all of that their hair is still freshly combed
and blow-dried, their faces washed, and their clothes newly-pressed. It
makes you wonder if they had hats, would they come off. Anyway, the
three
of them walk in the door and over to the counter, where an old, dirt poor
man
sits. Zarkov is about to speak when a screech is heard outside. A red
convertible sports car is framed in the door. A young, yuppie type
dressed
in a business suit runs in. He rushes up to the counter.]
YUPPIE: Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?
[The man grunts and points towards aisle 3. The yuppie runs off in
search
of a fine mustard. Zarkov moves toward the counter.]
ZARKOV: Excuse me, which way is it to the nearest town?
[The old man points behind him.]
DALE:
How far is it?
[The man mumbles something under his breath and holds up three fingers.]
FLASH:
(quietly to Dale) Talkative isn't he.
DALE:
(aside to Flash) shhh! (to old man) Is that miles?
[The old man grunts for acknowledgement but nods yes. At this point the
yuppie runs up with a case of gourmet mustard, drops a wad of bills on
the
counter and rushes off. The old man rings up the sale.]
ZARKOV: Thanks very much for your help.
[Dale, Flash & Zarkov leave the run-down shop.]
[Scene change. Exterior Shot. A dirt road winding through a forest in
Kentucky. This entire portion of the film is seen with trees interposing
themselves, as though through the eyes of some animal following Zarkov,
Flash, and Dale, who exit the shop and walk down the road.]
FLASH:
We'd better stick together.
find out here.
ZARKOV: Yes.
You never know what we could
There could be lions or tigers or bears.
DALE:
Oh my!
[They continue to walk along the road.
they get more and more frightened.]
ALL THREE:
DALE:
Lions and Tigers and Bears
Oh my!
ALL THREE:
DALE:
Lions and Tigers and Bears
Oh my!
ALL THREE:
DALE:
It darkens melodramatically and
Lions and Tigers and Bears
Oh my!
[This continues until the camera, acting as 'creature' rushes up to them.
Dale's scream is the last thing we hear as the screen goes black.]
[Scene 24. Exterior Shot. Enterprise 1701-D coming into orbit around a
drab
olive planet.]
PICARD's
VOICE: Captain's Log.
this anyway?
DATA's VOICE:
Stardate, ummm...damn, Data, what season is
Season 7 sir.
PICARD's
VOICE: Good. Stardate 741268.9738, Captain Jean-Luc Picard recording.
It has been several days since we first encountered the
space/time turbulence. We are now in orbit over the planet
that is the source of these disturbances and are preparing
to send an away team down to investigate the phenomenon.
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Enterprise. Picard is
standing,
looking at the planet on the viewscreen.]
PICARD: Riker! Assemble an away team. I want to know as much as
possible about the source of this disturbance.
RIKER:
Right!
LaForge, Worf, Data, come with me.
[They head for the turbolift.]
TROI:
Oh!
The pain!
PICARD: What is it Counselor? Do you sense some overwhelming emotion
from a nearby intelligent, but previously unknown entity.
TROI:
No, I have a tremendous headache this big and it's got
'Excedrin' written all over it.
[Picard looks at Riker, who rolls his eyes meaningfully.]
PICARD: Carry on, Number One.
RIKER:
Aye aye, sir.
[Scene Change. Transporter Room Three. Transporter Chief O'Brien is
standing
behind the console wearing a traditional Scottish outfit of the 20th
Century,
complete with kilt. Worf, Data, Riker, and LaForge walk in.]
DATA:
Commander, due to the strength of the temporal disturbance we
are likely to encounter, it may be advisable to prepare for
harsh climactic conditions.
RIKERL
Good idea. [He goes over to a row of lockers on the far wall.
Each of them has a label, e.g. 'Full Body Environmental Suit',
'High Gravity Servo-Supports','Noxious Fume Protection Head
Gear/Breathing Apparatus'. He opens a locker labelled
'Flashlights' and gets one out for each member of the party.]
There we go. [Everyone gets on the platform.] Energize!
[O'Brien moves his hand over the controls and the away team disappears
into
a glittering transporter effect.]
[Scene 25. Exterior Shot. A barren, wind-swept desert. Off in the
distance,
multi-colored mountains can be seen. The dazzling, transporter effect
begins
in the foreground. The shapes of Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty and Chekov
appear (Ha, ha, fooled you :-). As they take final form, Spock begins
scanning with his Tri-Corder.]
SPOCK:
Scanning indicates that this is indeed White Sands, New
Mexico. The test site is just over that dune.\
KIRK:
Very well, let's go. [Kirk's communicator beeps.
it off his belt and flips it open. Kirk here.
UHURA:
(over communicator) Captain, sensors picking up a Romulan
Warbird approaching from behind the sun.
KIRK:
Uhura, this is twentieth century Earth! That's impossible!
SULU:
(over communicator) It's true Captain, it came around going
extremely fast and is now decelerating hard.
SPOCK:
If that's true, it may be that it followed us through the time
warp.
He takes
KIRK:
Hmmmmm. Keep an eye on them, Sulu, Kirk out. [He closes
the communicator.] Gentlemen, shall we go?
[They walk off towards the dune.]
[Scene 26. Exterior Shot. Base of the Network 23 building. The dark,
ominous, black feel of the old Max Headroom Television series is
maintained.
Large amounts of footage are spent on this scene. A row of nearly
identical
black sedans are parked along the road. Suddenly, World Watch One swings
around the corner. Before it comes to a complete stop, Buckaroo is
leaping
out and running towards the building. New Jersey Jones is a mere three
steps
behind him. They run into the building.]
[Scene change. Interior Shot. Lobby of Network 23 building. Everything
is done in shades of black marble. In the background, a group of men in
trenchcoats and sunglasses are yelling incoherently at a video monitor
which
holds the image of Max Headroom.]
MAX:
G-G-G-Gentlemen, please, control yourselves.
[Buckaroo and Jones ignore them and head for the stairs.]
[Scene Change. Bryce Lynch's Lab. Various computers, video equipment,
robots, Mattel Toys, wires, cables, cameras, and other high-tech
electronic
equipment are scattered about the room. In one corner, a wire birdcage
holds a mechanical, gold-plated owl. (It is the mechanical Boo-bo, built
by Hephaestus and given to Perseus by Athena in "Clash of the Titans").
Bryce is sitting in front of his computer, his feet up, drinking a lime
soda
and playing wiht an Etch-A-Sketch. Buckaroo and New Jersey Jones burst
in
the door.]
BUCKAROO:
Bryce!
Have you still got the tape?
BRYCE:
No problem. Some of those secret agent types showed up, but
I sent Max to stall them.
JONES:
Yeah, we saw them.
BUCKAROO:
BRYCE:
Bryce!
Where's the tape?!
Right here, but I have to show you this...It's a nonvert,
you don't have to see it or hear it, you just get this
urge to buy the prod...
BUCKAROO:
Sorry Bryce, no time.
[They bolt out of the room.]
[He grabs the tape] C'mon Jones.
[Max Headroom appears on a nearby display.]
MAX:
H-h-how much longer-ger-ger do I have to stall these
g-g-g-g-goons?
BRYCE:
Go ahead and give them the tapes... Wait a minute!
[He breaks into a smile.] Put the prune juice nonverts
on the tapes you give them.
MAX:
R-r-right.
[Scene 27. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Battlestar Galactica. It looks
much the same as it did before with a few major exceptions. The primary
exception is that the center of the command balcony is made to look like
an Italian Bistro. A round table is set up with four place settings laid
out. Commander Adama, Starbuck, Apollo, and Slartibartfast are sitting
around the table. In the center is a basket of rolls, a salt shaker, a
pepper mill, and a small condiment rack holding parmesan cheese, hot
peppers,
and catsup. An ice bucket with a bottle of red wine is between
Slartibartfast
and Apollo.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Well, that's everything, except...
ADAMA:
What's that sir?
SLARTIBARTFAST:Hmmm. Ideally, there should be a dog underneath the table,
begging for scraps. I wouldn't suppose you have anything
passing for a dog on this bucket of tin?
APOLLO: Well, there's Moff...
[It is evident that Apollo stopped because Starbuck kicked him in the
shin
under the table.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:What was that? Speak up! [The other three exchange
looks.]
You want to get to Earth don't you.
ADAMA:
There is a robotic Moffett.
SLARTIBARTFAST:Well, brinh him in here.
[The screen goes black and the words 'A short time later' apear on the
screen. Then the picture fades to the same scene as before except that
Slartibartfast is out of his chair and talking to Toby? (That little
brat on BG)]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Ok, now when I toss some salt over my left shoulder, you
send him under the table.
TOBY:
Right.
[Slartibartfast goes to the chair and sits down.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:I hope you gentlemen are hungry. [He pours a round of
wine
for everyone.] Friends, a toast. [He raises his glass, as
do the others.] To Earth!
OTHERS: To Earth! [They all clink glasses and the sound of the
engines roaring to life is heard.]
{Author's Note:
GFO:
GFO=Generic Female Officer, GMO=Generic Male Officer}
Commander, we've already reached our normal cruising speed!
SLARTIBARTFAST:Help yourselves to rolls sirs.
[A mad dash for rolls ensues, during which SLARTIBARTFAST spills some
salt,
which he tosses over his left shoulder. Toby releases Moffett who runs
under the table and scampers in a circle.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Starbuck, isn't it? Knock over that glass of wine.
[Starbuck
does so.] Now, Commander, quickly, soak it up with your
napkin. [Adama complies.]
GMO:
GENERAL:
General, cosmic dust is striking the outer hull with
great intensity.
Lower the blast sheild.
[GMO moves some levers and the metal shield is lowered.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Apollo, feed Moffett under the table. [As Apollo does
this,
SLARTIBARTFAST downs his drink and pours another one.]
Enjoy your shrimp scampi, gentlemen.
[Suddenly, a calypso drum beat hovers in the air and...]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Daaaaaay-o.
home.
GFO:
Daa-aa-aay-o.
Commander, something's wrong!
course.
Daylight come and me wanna go
We're spiraling way off
SLARTIBARTFAST:Day, me say day, me say day, me say daa-aa-aay-o.
Daylight
come and me wanna go home.
GMO:
There's something on the long range scan!
a Cylon Basestar!
It's mass indicates
[From here on, Slartibartfast, Adama, Starbuck, and Apollo reenact the
dinner calypso scene from Beetlejuice, which alternates with scenes of
the
entire fleet hurtling haphazardly through space and dragging the Cylon
Basestar with them. As the song ends, the fleet is moving at great
speed.
Extreme close-up of Slartibartfast.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Oh dear.
[Scene 28. Exterior Shot. Planet of the Guardian of Forever. Worf, Data,
LaForge, and Riker are standing near the Guardian. Data is sweeping the
area with his Tri-Corder, while LaForge and Riker examine the Guardian.]
RIKER:
Geordi, what do you see.
LaFORGE:
Nothing, Commander, I'm blind remember.
[Riker takes off Geordi's hat and hits him with it.]
RIKER:
With the SHADES (tm), you idiot.
{Author's Note: SHADES = Sensitive Hilighting, Array-Deployed,
Enhancement
Sensors. Thank you.}
LaFORGE:
DATA:
Oh, well it appears to be made of a previously unknown
substance.
LaFORGE:
Commander LaForge, perhaps connecting with the Enterprise
computers would help.
Good idea. [He taps his communicator.] Computer, connect
with my SHADES(tm) for data analysis.
[A few bleeps and whirrs.]
COMPUTER:
Connection completed.
[Riker leans a hand against the Guardian which begins to glow in flashes
and
talk.]
GUARDIAN:
I am the Guardian of Forever.
Many
journeys are possible.
What was, can be again.
[Riker jumps.]
RIKER:
What was that?!
DATA:
I believe that it was the structure that we have been studying.
GUARDIAN:
I am the Guardian of Forever.
of
your home worlds.
Here is the history of one
[The Guardian's center clouds over and then begins to display the history
of
Earth. Data sets his Tri-Corder on rapid scan and aims it at the
Guardian.
Riker notices his action.]
RIKER:
Data, what are you doing?
DATA:
I am using the tricorder to record the Earth's history.
I saw Spock do it in an episode of the old series title,
"City on the Edge of Forever."
RIKER:
Hmmmm. As I recall, any minute now, a temporarily insane
member of the crew is supposed to jump into the scene and
enter the Guardian.
[Suddenly, Guinan jumps from behind a rock, rushes at the Guardian and
jumps through.]
GUINAN: Cowabunga!
[Worf fires his phaser.
Guardian
of Forever.]
He misses Guinan but the beam enters the
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Enterprise. Two-shot of
Picard and Troi necking. Troi notices the camera, points to it, Picard
turns, sees the camera, collects himself, and stares intently at the
viewscreen.]
PICARD: How did Guinan get down there anyway?
WESLEY: Computer records no transporter activity and no shuttles
are missing from the shuttledeck.
PICARD: Thank you, ensign, but that tells me how she didn't get
there, NOT how she did.
WESLEY: Well, I just thought...
PICARD: Shut up, Wesley!
OFF-STAGE
VOICE: Have you vacuumed your cats face today?
PICARD: [Whirls around] Q!
Q:
Yes, Picard, how astute of you to notice.
PICARD: Q!
Q:
You're repeating yourself.
PICARD:
Q:
I sent Guinan to the planet.
Why?
Hold that thought. [He turns and disappears. Picard stands
there stunned. suddenly Q returns.] I sent her down because
there's something wrong here.
PICARD: What?
Q:
History has been changed.
The thing is you don't know it.
PICARD: What?
Q:
Guinan knew what was happening, so I put her on the planet so
she could fix it. Besides, I didn't really like her.
PICARD: Bring her back.
Q:
Can't she's already gone through the Guardian.
your problem now, and Picard...
This is
PICARD: What?!
Q:
Wesley is special.
[Q fades out, while Wesley secretly smiles to himself.]
PICARD: Shut up, Wesley!
[Scene 29. Exterior Shot. Kentucky Woods, near a highway. The highway is
rather deserted and cars go by infrequently. Dr. Zarkov, Dale, Flash,
and
a large, hairy mass which towers over them are walking down the road.]
FLASH:
Dale, we have to get rid of this thing. It's hard enough
to get a ride anyway, with this beast around, it's impossible.
DALE:
Flash! Stop! You're hurting his feelings. [She puts her arm
around the monster and coos to it.] There, there.
[As Dale coos to the beast, the camera pans upward and we can see that
this
huge beast is Harry from 'Harry and the Hendersons']
FLASH:
Dr. Zarkov!
ZARKOV: I'm sorry, Flash. I have to side with Dale on this, the
possibilities here for scientific study are enormous.
FLASH:
What about the possibilities of ever getting back to
civilization? Besides, you realise that every car that
passes us, goes and tells the people in the next town.
ZARKOV: Good, that will increase our chances of receiving aid.
FLASH:
[Rolls his eyes.]
You never saw _Frankenstein_, did you?
ZARKOV: No, I find popular cinema unchallenging to my intellect,
why?
FLASH:
Never mind. [Suddenly, a burst of red laser light shoots
past Flash's head.] Hit the deck! [All of them including
Harry dive into a nearby ditch.] What was that?
ZARKOV: My guess would be some kind of hand-powered laser weapon,
but I've never heard of anything like that on Earth.
FLASH:
Ming's men had a lot of them. [Considers for a moment.]
I'm going to have a look. [He stands up. Harry, who is
right next to him, mimics his action. Flash has only been
standing for a few seconds when another laser shot wings
him. He quickly ducks. A blue station wagon drives by
before Hary can duck.]
[Quick scene change. Interior Shot. Inside the blue station wagon, close
up of the driver. It is Mr. Henderson from Harry and the Hendersons.]
HENDERSON:
Was that?...Never mind. [Shakes his head.]
[Quick scene change. Exterior Shot. Close up of Flash, Dale, Harry, and
Zarkov in the ditch.]
FLASH:
Definitely more of Ming's shock troops.
DALE:
[Gets hysterical]
us!!!
What are we going to do?!?!? They'll kill
[Flash slaps Dale repeatedly until she calms down.]
FLASH:
Calm down, Dale, we'll think of something.
[But it's already too late. Flash looks up and at this point the camera
angle changes so that we are seeing through Flash's eyes. The camera is
focused on a pair of silver boots first, but it moves up to show a red
and
silver uniformed person, wearing a space helmet. He carries a rather
mean-looking weapon which he points at the camera and fires. The screen
goes quickly red and then fades to black.]
[Scene 30. Exterior Shot. The utter, endless blackness of deep space.
As the camera pans, the entire Imperial Fleet can be seen. It is not
drifting aimlessly, but moving under full power, all in the same
direction.
The Dreck Star is at the center of it all. It's front point is as it was
before, and all three engines on the rear corners are under full power
moving
the ting.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Lord Gator's Meditation Room. Karth is
sitting with his back to the camera in the lotus position on four soft
pillows. A beeping signal is heard. Karth rotates in position until he
is facing the camera.]
KARTH:
Come in.
[A large metal door slides up and a single officer walks in.]
OFFICER:
Lord Gator, no mass detected even on the longest range
scans.
KARTH:
That is odd. I sense a strong disturbance in the force
ahead. No matter, it is of little consequence. Thank you
Admiral Fister.
FISTER: Yes, Lord Gator.
KARTH:
[He clicks his heels and walks out.]
Hmmmm. Skywalker, it is you isn't it. I shall not fail
to defeat you as have so many of my predecessors.
[He rotates back again.
Fade to black.]
-All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes
right.
Copyright 1991 Creative Insights, a subsidiary of Minion Media,
International
Distributed September 1991 by Minion Press, a subsidiary of MMI
Special Thanks for video research go to:
God's Back Pocket Research Firm, a subsidiary of DeityCo
"If we can't find it, you don't want it!"
DeityCo et al are subsidiaries of Virtual Enterprises, GmbH
(Don't worry, we can't pronounce it either.)
Comments, Questions, Death Threats, Marraige Proposals to
lightnin@wpi.wpi.edu
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Our Story So Far: Maxwell Smart has been assigned as the Control agent on
the World Crime League case. Princess Leia, and the rest of the leaders
of
the Rebel Alliance are headed for Earth, although Karth Gator has no
proof,
he senses the disturbances in the Force that tell him that Luke is in his
future. Zarkov, Dale, and Flash meet up with Harry the Bigfoot, but are
then
captured by Ming's men. Riker, Geordi, Worf, and Data are examining the
Guardian of Forever, when Guinan (placed on the planet by Q) jumps
through
in an attempt to put the universe right again. Meanwhile, in 1966, Kirk,
Spock,
McCoy, Chekov, and Scotty are examining the area around White Sands, NM.
Buckarro Banzai arrives at Network 23 and picks up the World Crime League
tape, and the Battlestar Galactica crew has finally installed
Slartibartfast's
Bistromathic Drive, but go veering out of control when they try and use
it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------__ __ _____ _____ ______
/ // // ___// ___// __ /
/ // // /__ / /_ / /_/ /
/ // //__ // __/ / ____/
/ // /___/ // /
/ /
/____//____//_/
/_/
The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 31. Exterior Shot. Outside the UN Building. The Doctor, Romana,
Leela,
and Adric come walking down the front steps.]
DOCTOR: Well, that was helpful.
ROMANA: But Doctor, he didn't even believe us. He just spent
his time ogling Leela.
LEELA:
I do whis you had let me slit his throat, Doctor.
DOCTOR: There, there, Leela, perhaps later we can blow something
up for you.
LEELA:
Oh, thank you, Doctor.
DOCTOR: As for your comments, Romana, I was being sarcastic. I can't
believe that after all the time you spent with that Letterman
chap, he couldn't teach you a thing about humor.
ROMANA: Well, the Brigadier was a dead end wasn't he?
DOCTOR: Yes and no.
ROMANA: What?
DOCTOR: Yes, that fellow was a dead end, but no, he wasn't the
Brigadier.
ROMANA: How can you be sure?
DOCTOR: Well, in the first place, the Brigadier I knew was a
gentleman and would never have 'ogled', as you say,
Leela the way this man did, and secondly, the Brigadier
was a good 80 pounds lighter the last time saw him, which
was less than a month ago local time. All in all, I'd say
we have a mystery on our hands.
[With that, he opens the door to his TARDIS and walks in, followed by
the Companions.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. TARDIS Main Control Room. Red lights are
flashing and a loud siren is wailing. As the Doctor and his Companions
enter they immediately cover their ears and squint. The Doctor rushes
over to a control panel and switches off the alarm. He whirls on K-9.]
DOCTOR: K-9!
K-9:
(unruffled) Yes, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Why didn't you shut off the alarm?!
K-9:
I couldn't reach it, Doctor.
DOCTOR: You could have used your remote.
K-9:
I was running the camera with it, Doctor.
DOCTOR: The camera wasn't even on us. Oh never mind, what set
that blasted thing off anyway?
ROMANA: Over here, Doctor.
[The Doctor rushes over and is dumbfounded by what he sees.]
ADRIC:
What is it?
ROMANA: Someone is time-travelling in the vicinity.
ADRIC:
But, that's impossible isn't it?
ROMANA: Yes.
DOCTOR: Come on, we're going.
LEELA:
Where?
DOCTOR: White Sands, New Mexico.
[He begins to move controls on the TARDIS panel.]
[Scene Change. Exterior of TARDIS. The TARDIS fades out of existence.]
[Scene 32. Exterior Shot. White Sands, New Mexico. Kirk, Spock, McCoy,
Chekov, and Scotty stand clustered together. In the distance, a small
crowd of technicians can be seen surrounding a few fancs near a makeshift
runway.]
SPOCK:
Captain, over there, an expiremental aircraft, piloted
by a Steve Austin, will crash land. The pilot will
survive but lose the use of both of his legs, his
right arm, and his left eye.
KIRK:
So we have to prevent this?
SPOCK:
No, a government agency known only as the OSS, led by
Oscar Goldman, will rebuild him, replacing his useless
parts with bionic replacements vastly superior to his
own human parts. He will then become a top agent for
the OSS and OSS will grow and eventually become a
cornerstone of Starfleet.
KIRK:
Well, everything seems all right now.
CHEKOV: Keptin, look.
[Everyone, including the camera, turns to look where Chekov is pointing.
A jet plane can be seen in the distance. It is angling in for a
landing.]
SPOCK:
That is the plane we are waiting for, Captain.
[As Spock speaks, about a hundred yards from the plane, a figure appears
out of nowhere and begins to plummet to the Earth. A moment later, a beam
of light streaks out of the same exact nowhere and hits the plane. The
right
wing bursts into flames. Kirk flips open his communicator.]
KIRK:
Transporter Room, come in.
KYLE:
(over communicator) Kyle Here.
KIRK:
Approximately one hundred yards to the right of the crashing
plane, somebody is falling. Beam them up!
KIRK:
(over communicator) Aye sir.
[The figure continues to fall, and then is caught in the transporter
effect
and disappears.]
SPOCK:
Captain, the pilot will not survive this crash.
KIRK:
Spock, didn't you just say that he would.
SPOCK:
Yes, but he was not supposed to crash from that height.
KIRK:
Kyle! Beam up the pilot from that jet!
KYLE:
(over communicator) But I thought... Aye sir.
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Cockpit of the expiremental craft. Steve
Austin is doing his best not to choke to death on the smoke filling the
cabin. Suddenly, the glittering transporter effect covers him and he
disappears.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Medium view of the plane as it moves in for
a landing. On impact with the ground, it explodes.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Kirk, et al.]
KIRK:
Enterprise! Five to beam up. (to Spock) I'm going to get
to the bottom of this. (to Communicator) Energize!
[Scene 33. Interior Shot. An office inside the UN building. The floor is
carpetted with a plush-green do-jobby. As for furniture, a large, oak
desk dominates the room. A high-backed, black, swivel, office chair is
behind the desk. Two other, rather bland chairs are in front of the desk.
A bookcase takes up most of one wall and behind the desk, a wall of
windows
looks out onto the park. Sitting at the desk, a rather portly gentleman,
dressed in a uniform identifying him as a Brigadier General in His
Majesty's
Army of Britain, and a well decorated one at that, is ignoring the
paperwork
on his desk and twiddling his thumbs. On the bookcase, a volume titled,
_A_Passage_to_India_ tilts forward, and a secret panel comprising of that
section of the wall, gently swings open. Lex Luthor emerges from behind
the secret door.]
LEX:
Otis! You Idiot!
him with it.]
[He takes off the general's hat and hits
OTIS:
Hey Boss, you remind me of Skipper when you do that.
LEX:
You buffoon, you've come damn close to ruining everything.
OTIS:
How? I did what you told me to. I stalled them, and gave,
them the brushoff saying...[He frowns in concentration.]
"I'm sorry, but our forces are currently engaged in other
investigations which won't be completed for at least another
three months." [He smiles in satisfaction at having remembered
the whole sentence, especially the big words.]
LEX:
Oh, Otis, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of
intelligence.
[Scene Change. Close-up of the Evil One from Time Bandits.]
EVIL ONE:
Hey! That's my line! [He lets loose a bolt of lightning
from his fingertips.] Drat! Missed!
[Scene Change. Back to the UN office. Lex seems unaware that a lightning
bolt was just thrown at him.]
LEX:
What was I saying?
OTIS:
Something about me being free of something or other.
LEX:
No, before that.
OTIS:
Oh, you called me a buffoon and then [concentrates, straing
the very limits of his memory.] You said something about
me almost ruining everything. [He smiles again.]
LEX:
Right. And wipe that smile off your face!
for one reason, and one reason only...
OTIS:
Wait, wait! It's to keep people from realising that the
Brigadier is missing until it's too late.
LEX:
Very good, Otis, and you nearly blew it! It's obvious that
those people were freinds of the REAL Brigadier. I just
hope you haven't screwed anything up. Miss Tessmarket!
Now, you're here
MISS T: [running in from secret door.] Yes, Lex.
LEX:
Take care of this paperwork.
MISS T: Ok Lex. [She scoops up some papers and exits by the secret
door.]
LEX:
And you try not to screw up again.
OTIS:
Okay, Mr. Luthor, you can count on me.
[Luthor stalks back into the secret passage. Otis returns to twiddling
his
thumbs. Fade to black.]
[Scene 34. Exterior shot. The screen fills with white light as Sam
Beckett
makes another leap. As he recovers, he looks around to find he's in the
middle of the desert, surrounded by technicians and military personnel.
He looks rather out of place in a grey business suit. Before he can truly
get his bearings, a plane behind him that is crash landing, explodes. He
turns and rushes toward it, but is sent away by rescure fireman who are
already spraying out the flames. He walks off, but not before he checks
his reflection. We see that he is Oscar Goldman. As he walks off, Al
appears beside him.]
AL:
Something's wrong here, Sam.
You don't look like an Indian.
SAM:
I'm aware of that Al, Where am I?
AL:
White Sands, New Mexico, May 15, 1965. [He points off to
the distance.]
Quantum Leap.
100 miles and 30 years that way is Project
SAM:
Big deal, who am I?
AL:
Well, we're not sure, Ziggy says you're supposed to be an
Indian on a reservation, but you're obviously not that.
SAM:
Well, what's the guy in the waiting room say?
AL:
Well, he says that he's Oscar Goldman, chairman of OSS, but
that can't be right.
SAM:
Why not?
AL:
Sam! Don't you remember? OSS isn't real. It's a fictional
organization from that show, ummmmm, the Six Million Dollar
Man.
SAM:
No, I don't.
AL:
Well, trust me, you can't be him. I'll be back as soon as we
figure out what's going on.
[He steps back into his portal and disappears. Sam looks up and notices
the
chauffer holding a door open and beckoning to him.]
CHAUFFER:
SAM:
Where to, Mr. Goldman.
[Half in, half out of the door.] Uh, home.
CHAUFFER:
Right. [He closes the door, gets in the front seat, and
drives off.]
[Scene 35. Interior Shot? The picture is rather blurry and moves around
quite a bit. As the view clears, it molds itself into an extreme closeup
of Harry's face. Then the camera jerks back.]
[Camera angle change. Interior Shot. A drab, gray cell. Flash Gordon,
Dale Arden, Dr. Zarkov, and Harry are here. Flash is chained to the
wall,
suspended from manacles by his wrists. The others are standing on their
feet, but manacles dangle from their wrists as well. We see that Harry
is staring into Flash's face, and Flash pulls his head back and hits it
on
the wall.]
DALE:
Flash! Are you all right?
FLASH:
Yeah.
Where are we?
ZARKOV: I don't know, Ming's men found us, knocked us out, and the
next thing I knew, I woke up here.
FLASH:
Well, how'd you get down of the wall?
DALE:
Harry did it.
FLASH:
Well, uh [He motions his head at his own chains.]
Pulled the chains right out.
ZARKOV: Oh, yes, Harry, let Flash down off the wall.
[Harry reaches up and pulls Flash's chains right out of the wall.
drops to the ground.]
FLASH:
Flash
Now, I think we should get out of here. [He goes to the
door of the cell] Locked! I'm going to try and force it
open. [He starts slamming his shoulder against the door to
no avail. Harry gets interested and moves closer to watch.]
(to Harry) Don't just stand there, help me you big ape!
[Harry looks puzzled, shrugs, throws his weight against the
door. Harry and the door fly out into the hallway.] Let's go!
[They all rush into the hall.]
ZARKOV: This looks like one of Ming's ships.
FLASH:
It looks like War Rocket Ajax, C'mon, the sky cylces are
this way. [He heads down a corridor and past another cell
door.]
[The camera lingers on the door and moves toward the window. As it gets
closer
and goes through the window, we see that Harry is being held, cowering,
behind an energy barrier of some kind. The camera lingers on Harry's
face for
just the right amount of time to bring a tear to every eye watching.]
[Scene 36. Exterior Shot. Planet of the Guardian of Forever. Riker, Data,
and
LaForge are preparing to enter the Guardian to retrieve Guinan from the
past.]
RIKER:
I'm sorry, Lieutenant Worf, but this is a covert mission.
The appearance of a member of a previously unknown alien
race would prevent us from blending in.
WORF:
Captain Kirk always used to let Spock go with him.
RIKER:
Spock didn't have a cranial ridge. [Taps his communicator.]
Riker to Enterprise.
PICARD: (over Communicator) Go ahead, Number One.
RIKER:
We are now ready to enter the Guardian of Forever.
GUARDIAN:
WORF:
I am the Guardian of Forever....
Oh, shut up!
PICARD: (over Communicator) Riker, are you sure you want to do this.
RIKER:
[Smiles.] Yes sir, [looks at Data and Geordi] We're ready.
PICARD: (over Communicator) OK, Number One, be careful.
TROI:
(over Communicator) Good luck, Will.
[Riker, Data, and LaForge line up parallel to the Guardian. Data is
watching
his Tri-Corder. Worf goes and sits on a rock and sulks.]
DATA:
Now!
[They run together and jump into the circle, and disappear.]
GUARDIAN:
possible.
I am the Guardian of Forever.
Many such journeys are
[Suddenly, something clicks in Worf's mind. He gets up, brushes himself
off
and stares at the Guardian. With great speed, he runs toward it.]
WORF:
Banzai!
[He jumps through the Guardian and disappears.]
[Fade to black.]
[Scene 37. Interior Shot. Oscar Goldman's office at OSS Research
Headquarters.
It's a rather ordinary office, desk, plant, window, chair, the usual.
Sam
Beckett is here, pacing the floor. Al appears.]
SAM:
Al! Where have you been? It's three hours into the leap and
and I'm still not even sure who I am?
AL:
Sam. You aren't going to like this. You better sit down.
SAM:
[Sits down.] Ok, Al, Who am I?
AL:
[Walks over to stand in the middle of the desk. Only his torso
and head can be seen now.] You are Oscar Goldman, chairman of
OSS.
SAM:
But, Al, just three hours ago, you told me that was impossible.
AL:
Well, Ziggy says you are caught in a multiple solipsismal
envelope doo-hickey. A lot of pseudo-scientific jargon has
been spewing out of her terminal for over an hour! Anyway,
Ziggy says there's an 88.4% chance that you have to help this
Doctor guy fix this mess.
SAM:
What mess, and is it absolutely necessary for you to stand in
the middle of the desk like that?
AL:
Yes.
SAM:
Why?
AL:
To falsely increase the special effects budget.
SAM:
[Heavy sigh.] What mess?
AL:
Huh? Oh, yeah, you see, what seems to have happened is that
for some reason, certain works of science fiction have suddenly
become part of actual history.
SAM:
Why?
AL:
We're working on that, but the most consistent criteria seems
to be humorous effect.
SAM:
Huh?
AL:
Like that exchange we had a couple of minutes ago about me
standing in the desk. Normally we wouldn't even mention it,
but today, we had a silly arguement that didn't even make
sense.
SAM:
That was humor?
AL:
I didn't say it was good humor. [Al looks up to see a Good
Humor Ice Cream Truck floating by the window. He shakes his
head.] Anyway, all these different fictional universes are
getting all jumbled together and this Doctor person, whoever
he is, is going to need your help fixing it.
SAM:
Doctor who though?
AL:
That's what we keep asking Ziggy.
SAM:
And what does he say?
AL:
'Exactly.'
SAM:
Dr Exactly?
AL:
No, no, Dr. Who.
SAM:
That was my question.
AL:
Exactly.
SAM:
So I have to find Dr. Exactly.
AL:
No, no, Sam cut it out!
SAM:
Cut what out?
AL:
You were falling into an old Abbott & Costello routine.
SAM:
[Smiles.] I was, wasn't I?
AL:
Yes, and it was sickening. You have to be careful of that sort
of thing. Indications are you are in a huge parody, and you
have to set things right, from the inside. This is going to
be one tough leap.
SAM:
You said it. See what you can dig up about this Doctor guy.
AL:
Ok, but it'll be slow going.
SAM:
How so?
AL:
About fifteen minutes ago, this weird guy in a bathrobe walked
in the door. He slapped Gooshie's pet fly, Agrajag, and asked
for a spot of tea.
SAM:
Then what happened?
AL:
He left! But Ziggy's going nuts trying to figure out why anyone
would want to drink dried leaves seeped in hot water. [He pushes
some buttons on his control and steps into the portal.] Bye
Sam.
SAM:
Bye, Al. [He hangs his head.]
[Scene 38. Interior Shot. A mechanic's garage. The camera pans slowly
around
the room taking in every little detail. It passes over tool kits, socket
wrenches, battery chargers, etc.... Outside the window, a yellow pickup
with purple lettering identifies the place as 'Biff's Automotive
Detailing'
shop. As the camera passes a radio, a burly hand turns it on an oldies
station. The camera passes over a calendar featuring scantily clad women
holding power tools. It passes by, then quickly goes back to linger a
moment longer. Finally, we see a car, but not all at once. First we see
the
same hand polishing the fender, it moves up the length of the car to the
door handle and opens the door. The view switches quickly here, rather
than
panning around. The car door closes, the head light switch is pulled on,
it is pushed off again, the windshield wiper knob is turned, the wipers
go back and forth, the figure seated in the driver's seat holds up a
key.]
[Close up of the key. Sunlight reflects off the jagged surface.]
[Close up of the ignition as the key is inserted. The key is turned and
the engine roars to life. Every dial immediately goes to its maximum
reading. The garage door opens, and Spin drives the car out of the
garage.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Outside Biff's Automotive Detailing. The
garage
door is open and a 1977 Plymouth Volare Station Wagon (guess what kind of
car the author drives) is pulling out of the garage.]
SPIN:
Hey Marty! Check it out!
MARTY:
(pretending to be impressed) Hey Spin! Where'd you get this?
SPIN:
I built it out of some wreckage I found by the railroad tracks.
MARTY:
Hm.
SPIN:
It took me weeks to get it together, the only thing is I
can't get the radio to work.
MARTY:
Well, let me take a look at it.
SPIN:
Ok.
[Marty walks around the car as Spin pulls his head in the window. Close
up of
Marty's face as he walks to the passenger side, gets in the car, and
bends to
look at the radio. His mood is cheerful throughout until he sees the
radio,
when he stops mid-whistle and his expression becomes one of shock. The
camera
angle changes to show the keypad from the DeLorean Time Machine. Marty
quickly
looks around for the flux capacitor but doesn't see it.]
MARTY:
Uh, Spin, I need to, uh, check the wiring under the hood.
SPIN:
Sure, then I can show you the funky carbuerator it has.
[He pops the hood and the both get out.]
[Marty and Spin walk to the front of the car, as Kip props open the hood,
On the distributor cap is the flux capacitor, and it's fluxing. Mounted
right
next to it is Mr. Fusion.]
MARTY:
Spin! Where did you say you got these parts?
SPIN:
Near the railroad tracks, by Eastwood ravine.
MARTY:
Great Scott! [He gropes back to a wall and collapses to the
ground.]
SPIN:
[Rushes over.] Marty, what is it?
MARTY:
You built Doc's time machine, into a Volare?!
SPIN:
Whoa! That's heavy.
[Scene 39. Interior Shot. Oscar Goldman's Apartment. Sam is making a pot
of
tea. He reaches over to the pot and burns his hand over the steam.]
SAM:
Ow! That hurt!
[A swoop noise is heard.]
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN:
Maybe I can help?
SAM:
Who are you?
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN:
I'm Middle-Aged Man!
Aaaaah!
[Scene Change. Middle-Aged Man running down a suburban street.]
CHORUS: Middle-Aged
Middle-Aged
With Powers
younger
Middle-Aged
Maaaan!
Maaaan!
and Knowledge that are far beyond
man,
Maaaan!
Caught between forty and fifty-five
Accruing more interest, but losing his sex drive.
Developing skills and a gut.
Middle-Aged Maaaan!
[Scene Change. Original Scene 39.]
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN:
I can help with that burn. Hey! What are you looking at? You're
looking at my gut aren't you? [Sam begins to protest.] Well,
I'm working on it! Now, just run that hand under cold water
and wrap it in a wet towel. You'll be all right.
SAM:
Uh, thank you. Are you a Doctor?
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN:
No, just a regular guy with lots of common sense.
[Sam runs his hand under the sink.]
MIDDLE-AGED
MAN:
Well, I have to go now. [He swoops out.]
[Fade to black.]
[Scene 40. Interior Shot. A large convention hall. Along three walls,
tables
piled with Star Trek and other science fiction memorabilia abound. Crowds
upon
crowds of people mill about looking at various exhibits. Some of them are
wearing Starfleet uniforms, both old & new. Some have Vulcan ears on.
Most of
them are babbling excitedly. One is pointedly dressed as Worf in
traditional
Klingon Battle Armor. On closer examination, we see that it is Worf in
traditional Klingon Battle Armor. He walks around sneering, and
attracting
quite a crowd. Little kids gather at his feet, asking him to say "Good
Tea,
Nice House." He walks up to a refreshment counter.]
REFRESHMENT
DEALER: Hey! Gret costume friend! What can I get you?
WORF: Do you have any prune juice?
[The crowd around him goes wild. Yellos of 'Oh Man' and 'That's Perfect'
can
be herd. Worf looks around and sneers. The dealer pulls out a glass of
prune
juice and hands it to Worf. Worf downs it in one gulp and walks off.]
During Worf's absence, wesley Crusher is now in charge of Security,
leaving
Will Robertson in Wesley's old job.
Will:
Picard:
Will:
Picard:
Wesley:
Picard:
Wesley:
Data:
Picard:
Riker:
Picard:
will)
Picard:
Riker:
Picard:
Will:
Picard:
Sir, there's a big box heading for us.
Dr Who?
No sir, the Borg!
Riker to the bridge!
But sir, he's on the bridge.
I *know* that Wesley.
But sir, why would you say...
Shut up Wesley. (Everyone looks at Data.
What do you suggest number one?
Lets hit them with our new secret weapon
Good Idea number one. Will, fire when ready. (camera goes to
*nothing happens*
Will!
Yes sir?
Not you, Will Robertson.
Yes sir?
Fire at will.
Will:
But sir, why would I try to kill myself?
Picard: Push that red button, and that blinking one, and that
thing..NOW!
*As the Enterprise fires, so does the Borg, causing a massive
disturbance is the space-time lines and brilliant fx displays
as both ships hit a spot in the middle of the two ships, which
of course brings in an old outdated Enterprise.*
Bones:
Dammit Jim, why do these things always happen to us? If you
asked
me, I think we should...
Kirk:
No one asked you Bones. *Spock* where are we.
Spock:
We are in the future captain. (Everyone looks at Kirk.
Kirk:
Well, I knew that.
Borg:
You are in our way. You shall become obsolete in the new order
Kirk:
Who are you, show yourselves
*the borg appear on screen.
Kirk:
I *hate* computers
Borg:
Resistance is useless
Kirk:
I still hate computers
Borg:
Facts are irrelevant
Kirk:
But, but, a fact, If facts are irrelevant, then your
irrelevant,
because you are here, you are irrelevant.
*The borg are overfilled with a deadly weapon called emotion,
and they go crazy and run into a sun. (All 17 ships)
Picard:
Why didn't we ever think of that?
Data:
You never asked Sir.
Picard:
You there, I am Captain....
*a bright fx flash, the crew of the old enterprise is now on
the new enterprise.*
Spock:
Thils is highly illogical..
Bones:
Your highly illogical, I still have some of your marbles from
that
damn mind thing....
Spock:
At least you can say you have a brain now, good doctor.
Kirk:
That's enough, both of you.
Data:
Sir, the probability of this kind of a time space line anl.
vortex
event is outstanding. Close to
100000000000000000009.574829365847
Bones:
Dammit Jim, he's worse than the vulcan.
Spock:
...04756849566453..
Data:
...291.
Wesley:
is that to one? (everyone ignores Wesley.)
Q:
Hi guys, who's in charge here?
Kirk/Picard/Wesley: I am
Q:
That's what I thought.
Picard:
Go away Q
Kirk:
No, stay, I like him.
Picard:
I WANT THAT *THING* (CAMERA SHIFTS TO OLD ENTERPRISE) BACK
WHERE IT
CAME FROM. NOW Q!!!
A bright flash occurs.
Scotty:
Ah, were back captain. Captain?
(Picard and Data are now on the old ship, in the past.)
Picard: (pointing to Bones), Get me starfle...
Bones:
What am I, a Doctor or a messenger boy?
Picard:
You will do as I say
Bones:
DAMMIT PICARD, I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A MESSENGER BOY. GET THEM
YOURSELF.
Sulu:
I agree with Bones.
Data:
So do I sir, you see...
Picard:
Thats enough Data.
==========================
Camera shifts to the new ship. (Spock and Kirk are on the new
ship)
Riker:
(Look of amazement) hey, how did you past that test anyway?
Spock:
He took various factors which were...
Kirk:
I cheated. Mr. Q ...my ship...
Q.
This is your ship now, lets see if Picard can figure this one
out..
Ha Ha Ha, (and Q dissapears)
Nameless Character who will probably get killed:
Sir, a ship is
approaching.
Riker:
on screen.
Ship:
you are on neutral territory, leave immediately.
Kirk:
But it's neutral...
The ship switch to on screen, look at Kirk, freak out, and
leave.
Riker:
I think we will get along well together sir.
Kirk:
I do too Will..
Riker:
I have a lot to show you. We have this room, where thing seem
so
real, come I'll show you how the *men* relax.
Kirk:
This just keeps on getting better and better
Wesley:
Can I come?
Kirk/Riker: NO.
Riker:
Spock, are you going with us? (Spock has a funny look on his
face)
Kirk:
Spock, *Spock* come on.
Spock:
I don't know captain.
Welsley: Can I take his place
Kirk/Riker: NO!!!!!!
Spock:
wesley, shut up.
Riker:
Gee, that must be contagious.
So who is in charge of the old ship?
Who is in charge of the new ship?
Who is in charge of the Bridge when kirk/spock/riker leave.
(Wesley, ha ha ah ah aha hhaaaaaaa)
Will Kirk want to leave?
find out in number two. The next trek.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------For Best Results When Reading:
Good News! Thanks to the time investment I put into learning how to
use the expand command on my unix machine, you no longer have to bother
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Huzzah!
It is pre-well formatted.
Also, if anyone would like a copy of the whole thing in the pre-formatted
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Thanks for your support, especially the letters asking where this
installment
was. Those helped a LOT!
Then page through it as you normally would in emacs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Our Story So Far:
First of all, an apology from the author. I'm sorry there was such a
delay before this installment happened. However, I make no guarantees
that the next one won't be as long. Hopefully not, because now that I
got this much typed in I want to continue. The problem is that I have
not
written very much beyond this installment (only three scenes to be
exact.)
Anyway, hope you enjoy this anyway.
Now the story: The Imperial Star Wars Fleet is preparing to attack
another
galaxy, starting with a little blue-green planet. They are preceded by
a few hours by a small force of the Rebel Alliance. Meanwhile, Doctor
Who
and his companions have just left from their meeting with the Brigadier,
whom
the doctor is convinced is NOT REALLY the Brigadier. They enter their
TARDIS
to discover all the alarms activated. They discover that a lot of
amateur
time travelling is taking place near White Sands, New Mexico. Kirk,
Spock,
Chekov, and Scotty are waiting to see Steve Austin's plane crash, but
while
they are waiting, Guinan appears in Mid-air and begins falling. A phaser
blast appears right behind her, and forces Steve's plane to crash a lot
worse
than it was going to in the first place. Kirk and Kyle (on the
Enterprise)
manage to save the both of them from certain death. Lex Luthor chews out
Otis for doing a lousy job of impersonating Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart,
which he is obviously doing as some sort of plot of the World Crime
League.
Meanwhile, Sam Beckett leaps into the body of Oscar Goldman (and not an
Indian as Ziggy had predicted he would) but it takes him a couple of
scenes
to realize it. Flash, Zarkov, Dale, and Harry escape from a cell on
board
War Rocket Ajax and make their way to the rocket sleds, but unbeknownst
to
them (but knownst to us) Harry is still trapped in another cell on board,
and
the Harry that is with them is an imposter. Riker, LaForge, and Data
enter
the Guardian of Forever at pretty much the same point in the cycle as
Guinan
did (they hope) but refuse to allow Worf to come along, because he is a
harder
alien to hide than Spock was. Worf, in a fit of rage, follows them into
the
Guardian. Sam Beckett determines that he has to meet up with some Doctor
guy
to help unmess the multiverse. Al has determined that they are in a
parody
of some kind (Gosh! I'm shocked.) Spin Tannen (Biff's son) has rebuilt
Doc's Time Machine into a Volare. Sam has a short run-in with Middle
Aged
Man, and Worf, having jumped through the Guardian late, winds up at a
Star Trek Convention in the Eighties.
That's all there is, now enjoy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------__ __ _____ _____ ______
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/ // // /__ / /_ / /_/ /
/ // //__ // __/ / ____/
/ // /___/ // /
/ /
/____//____//_/
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The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 41. Interior Shot. The Starship Enterprise's (1701-A) Meeting
Room.
Sitting around the table are Capt. James T. Kirk, Cdr Spock, Scotty,
McCoy,
Sulu, Uhura, and Steve Austin. Steve is no longer in his flight suit, but
wearing a borrowed Star Fleet uniform. He looks agitated.]
STEVE:
So, you guys are saying I was supposed to crash land that
plane, but you saved me, and messed up your own future.
KIRK:
Exactly.
STEVE:
So, why'd you bring me here?
SPOCK:
circumstances
You would not have survived the crash. Due to
beyond our control, history was changed, we did what we
could
to salvage events.
KIRK:
Speaking of outside influences, what's the word on your
patient, Doctor?
McCOY:
Well, we still haven't been able to get her
withdrawal. All we've discovered so far is
appeared to prevent any altering of today's
she discovered that she had herself changed
paradox overwhelmed her.
KIRK:
Can't you do anything for her?
McCOY:
Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor, not a relativist!
KIRK:
Ok! Geesh. What about Mr. Austin here, what can we do get
his life back on track.
SPOCK:
supposed
The logical answer would be for him to do what he was
out of her
that she
events. When
events, the
to have done in the first place.
STEVE:
You mean, you want me to go back there and purposely crash
a jet?
SPOCK:
Not necessarily, we just have to duplicate the injuries.
Then the bureaucracies involved will take over, and events
will reshape themselves. A car accident, wild animal
mauling, an avalanche, just about any accident will do.
STEVE:
You want me to purposely injury myself??
KIRK:
Cripple actually, you need to lose the use of both of your
legs, your right arm, and your right eye.
STEVE:
have
Whoa!
Those are some major injuries there, I'm going to
to....
[Steve is interrupted by the Red Alert klaxon.
the
table in front of him.]
Kirk touches a button on
KIRK:
Bridge, this is Kirk!
CHEKOV:
(over intercom) No keptin, two ships have suddenly
appeared within the system. They cannot have originated
locally.
KIRK:
I'll be right there. Mr. Austin, I suggest that you get
someplace safe. [He stands up, as do the others. They
all
What is it, the Romulans?
head out the door.]
[Scene 42. Exterior Shot. Outside Biff's Automotive Detailing Shop.
Marty
McFly and Spin Tannen (Biff's son) are standing looking into the engine
of a 1977 Volare Station Wagon.]
SPIN:
[looks over at Marty] You don't suppose it could still run
do you?
MARTY:
couldn't
No, Impossible.
It...it was smashed to pieces.
It
possibly still work.
SPIN:
Are you sure?
I mean all the pieces were there.
MARTY:
Look, there's only one sure way to find out.
[Marty slams the hood and gets in the driver's side.
passenger seat.]
Get in.
Spin sits in the
SPIN:
Where will we go?
MARTY:
Well, if it does work, we're going to have to see Doc, so,
[He punches a date into the keypad.] October 10, 1885 was
the last place I saw him. Let's go.
[He pulls out, the car drives off screen, and then we hear and see the
BTTF
Time Travel Effect.]
[Scene 43. Interior Shot. A completely black room. Rufus appears and
dominates the screen. He is dressed in a rather outlandih, futuristic
garb. He has a five-o'clock shadow and is balding slightly. He begins
to speak.]
RUFUS:
Hi! Welcome to the future: San Dimas, California 2691.
I'm telling you, this place sucks. It didn't used to, you
see, 703 years ago, the two great ones...got in a little
trouble, so I had to go back in time to help them. I did,
and they had a most excellent adventure, but it seems to
have attracted a large host of invaders from several
dimensions. Today, Earth is under the rule of no less
than three tyrants. So, I have to back in time to fix the
mess.
[The scene dissolves into another interior shot--a futuristic place, with
lots of domes. Rufus continues.]
RUFUS:
This is a small, but stalwart group of freedome fighters,
most of whom were travelling in history when the change
took place. Time to go.]
[Rufus stands in front of a phone booth, facing a council of three, the
Head Future Dude speaks.]
HFD:
It is time.
RUFUS:
[Puts shades on.]
HFD:
Party on, Dude!
Be excellent to each other!
[Rufus bows his head, steps back into the booth, and begins dialing.
antenna appears and the booth disappears into the circuits of Time.]
The
[Scene 44. Exterior Shot. White Sands, New Mexico. The Millenium Falcon
and
an X-Win Fighter have landed in the sand. Five figures and two droids
mill
about. One is scanning the area with Binocs.]
[Scene Change. The sands are viewed through the field of the binoculars.
Nothing is seen for miles around. The binoculars drop.]
[Scene Change. Close view of the people mentioned earlier.
his
Binocs down from his eyes.]
Luke has let
LUKE:
Tatooine.
Nothing, nothing for miles around.
LANDO:
Well, at least nothing's trying to kill us.
SOLO:
Yet, Lando, yet.
R2-D2:
Bleep, boop, whirrrrr, bleep.
C3-PO:
Excuse me, sir.
SOLO:
Not now, 3-PO!
city?
C3-PO:
Sir, this is rather important.
LEIA:
Listen to him, Han, then he'll shut up.
SOLO:
[dropping the arm he was about to cuff C3-PO with] Oh, all
right, what is it?
C3-PO:
R2 detects a flying vehicle coming this way.
SOLO:
his
What?! [He snatches Luke's Binocs, which are still around
We're busy.
It reminds me of
Now, which way to the nearest
neck, thus nearly choking Luke. He looks through them in
the
given direction.] It's a flying sled of some kind.
going
to crash!
Take cover!
It's
[Everyone dives to the ground. Moments later, the rocket sled, piloted by
Flash Gordon, and holding Dr. Zarkov, Dale, and 'Harry' crashes into a
sand
dune in a cloud of dust. Luke, Leia, Solo, Lando & Chewbacca rush over
to
find that those who were on the sled are fine, but the front end of the
sled
has skewered Wedge. Luke rushes over to him.]
WEDGE:
Luke,...get a TIE-Fighter...for me. [His eyes glaze over.]
LUKE:
He's dead.
SOLO:
Hell, again! How'd he get here in the first place?
[Close-up of Luke's face. His hair begins to blow around in a nonexistent
wind. A blue light shines on him.]
BEN KENOBI'S
VOICE:
Plot device, Luke.
YODA'S VOICE:
Joke recurring, say I.
[Luke turns to see all the dead members of his family, who have switched
from
the Dark Side to the good, just before he killed them. Obi-Wan and Yoda
stand
in front of them all. Ben points at Wedge and they all nod in
agreement.]
BEN'S VOICE:
Strecth out with your humor.
ADEKIN
SKYWALKER'S
VOICE:
May the Farce be with you.
[Adekin raises his hand in a Vulcan Hand Salute and all of them fade
out.]
LEIA:
Luke!
[Luke comes to.
LEIA:
spirits
Luke, snap out of it.
He looks at Leia.]
You got that far away look in your eyes, like when the
of your dead ancestors are bestowing wisdom. [Han spits at
the
ground.]
LUKE:
What did they say?
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
[By now, the rocket sled crew are regaining consciousness.]
SOLO:
Who are these guys?
ZARKOV:
Dale
I'm Dr. Hans Zarkov, this is Flash Gordon, and this is
Arden, [They nod in acknowledgement at their names.] and
over
there, is the greatest scientific discovery since the hula
hoop! [He gestures at 'Harry']
SOLO:
[looks incredulous] I'm sure.
FLASH:
I'm sorry about your friend.
LANDO:
Who, Wedge? Don't worry about it. He's died about six
times anyway. [He flashes the Billy Dee Williams Smile
(tm)]
SOLO:
Yeah, I've killed him twice myself.
DALE:
Oh?. <-- new punctuation the '?.' represents a sort of
confused muttering.
LEIA:
Would you people happen to know where the nearest city is?
FLASH:
Yeah, I saw one while we were flingy, it's about 20
miles that way. [He points.]
SOLO:
Well, that's where we're headed.
Let's get ready.
[They all enter the falcon.]
[Scene 45. Exterior Shot. White Sands, New Mexico at the location of
Steve
Austin's crash. Technicians are still going over the wreckage. A
limosine
pulls up, the driver gets out, opens the rear door, and Sam steps out.
He
moves forward and Al gets out behind him. The driver closes the door
through
Al and gets back in the car. Al walks after him.]
AL:
I'm telling you, Sam, this is all wrong!
should be in recovery by now!
SAM:
Well, maybe he ejected or something?
Steve Austin
[Just then a passing technician hears him and answers.]
TECH:
It's hard to be sure, most of the wreckage we've found
is too small to identify.
SAM:
[looks surprised.] Oh, well, keep looking. [He smiles.]
TECH:
Yes sir. [He walks off.]
AL:
Sam!
SAM:
[Whirls around.] I know, but we haven't even located this
Doctor guy yet. Now, I'm going to check the wreckage, see
if you can locate a homing beacon from the ejector seat.
AL:
OK. [He presses some buttons on Ziggy and disappears.]
We have to fix this.
[Sam moves over into the wreckage. He passes three technicians, the
camera
stays with these three. They are revealed to be Data, Riker, and LaForge
in
disguise. Data picks up a piece of wreckage.]
DATA:
Geordi, have a look at this.
[He hands the wreckage to Geordi.
hand as he looks at it.]
LaForge turns it over and over in his
LaFORGE:
I don't understand.
RIKER:
What is it, Mr. LaForge?
LaFORGE:
been
Well, the molecular structure of this bit of wreckage has
altered.
RIKER:
How?
LaFORGE:
The damage is consistent with a phaser burn.
DATA:
it.
As I suspected, this plane crashed because a phaser hit
RIKER:
But, how?
DATA:
Lieutenant Worf did fire a phaser at Guinan.
RIKER:
just
Well, at least we know she's around here somewhere, we
There's nothing like that in this century?
have to find her.
DATA:
I think that by crosschecking the equations and working
backward from the crash I can pinpoint her entry location.
RIKER:
Good, how long?
DATA:
It should not take more than seven hours.
RIKER:
OK, Get to work, now let's find a place to hide.
[Scene 46. Interior Shot. Bridge of a Romulan Bird of Prey.
The
emergency lighting is on and many of the screens show nothing but
static. There are two chairs at the front of the bridge, which are
positioned behind a control console. Other stations are positioned
around the fringe of the bridge. Romulans are sitting or standing at all
of the stations, yet it is obvious that the two at the front of the
bridge
are the most important. The main viewscreen shows a tactical display of
the
planet Earth, the Enterprise, and the Romulan craft all in fairly
stationary
positions, relative to each other anyway. Although all three are
rotating.
One of the Romulans at the front speaks.]
SUB-CMDR
TANALAK:
scanning
I think we can safely assume that the native planetary
devices cannot get through our deflector screen.
CMDR SATEEN:
ENGINEERING
COMMANDER:
know
Yes, but the Enterprise most assuredly knows our location.
Engineering report!
(over intercom) Aye Commander, what would ye be likin' to
now?
SATEEN:
(through gritted teeth) When will the Dilithium banks be
recharged.
ENG CMDR:
like
Well, now, I couldn't be sayin' now, could I?
It's not
it's ever been done before, has it?
SATEEN:
What is your bast Estimate, *Commander*!
ENG CMDR:
Well, I'd have to say not less than 16 hours, Commander.
SATEEN:
him?
Fine!
TANALAK:
the
I believe our Chief Engineer had just finished a tour in
Sateen out.
[Turns to Tanalak] Where did we get
intelligence services.
A field operative in the
Federation,
I think.
SATEEN:
I wish he had taken the time to lose his accent, it grates
on the nerves.
[A Sub-Unit Officer turns in his chair to report an anomaly.]
SUB-UNIT
OFFICER:
Commander, we are detecting more ships approaching the
system!
SATEEN:
From where?!?
SUB-UNIT
OFFICER:
although
As before, they have appeared from seemingly nowhere,
their general orientation would indicate an origin beyond
the
edge of the galaxy.
SATEEN:
Damn!
Where are these ships coming from?
SUB-UNIT
OFFICER:
Uh, Commander, there are quite a few ships approaching.
SATEEN:
What?
SUB-UNIT
OFFICER:
Several Hundred, Commander.
SATEEN:
On screen!
How many?
[The tactical display dissolves into a view of the Star Wars Imperial
Fleet
approaching.]
SUB-UNIT
OFFICER:
approaching
This group appeared at the systems Oort cloud and is
quite slowly.
SATEEN:
Engineering!
(under his breath) I hate to do this. (out loud)
ENG CMDR:
Aye, sir.
SATEEN:
When will impulse engines be available?
ENG CMDR:
Ye can have 'em right now, Commander.
SATEEN:
Thank you, Engineer. Out. Impulse Engines. Engage.
Set course for the incoming fleet.
SUB-UNIT
OFFICER:
Aye, sir.
TANALAK:
What are you going to do?
SATEEN:
Surrender the planet to them.
TANALAK:
But, it is not our planet...
SATEEN:
[smiles evilly] They don't know that, do they?
Engage.
[Scene 47. Interior Shot. Briefing room of GI Joe Headquarters. Standing
at
the front of the room are General Hawk, Duke, Sgt. Slaughter & Snake
Eyes.
Pretty much the rest of the Joe Team are standing at attention, facing
them.
General Hawk speaks.]
HAWK:
forces
Men, we've got a new opponent around.
Cobra has joined
with eight other criminal and terrorist groups to form
what they
call a World Crime League.
DUKE:
the
The leaders of this league announced their existence to
world in a pre-taped news broadcast at 0900 yesterday
morning.
This broadcast followed a wave of ruthless criminal and
terrorist activities, worldwide. We've been given a new
mandate by the President. It is now our mission to stop
and disband this World Crime League. To do this we...
[An alarm klaxon sounds, red lights flash, Snake Eyes runs to a computer
console and displays a view of the outside on a screen.]
SERGEANT
SLAUGHTER:
Intruder in the compound!
Battlestations!
[Everyone in the room scatters. The camera moves into focus on the
telescreen.
We see World Watch One come screeching into the main view of the camera.
As
it comes to a halt, four teenage mutant ninja turtles leap out, as well
as
a few members of the Hong Kong Cavaliers. As the first members of the
Joe
team begin to attack, the people from World Watch One fight back. After
a few
minutes, Buckaroo Banzai gets on the roof of the van and fires an uzi
into
the air, attracting everyone's attention.]
BUCKAROO:
help,
Hold It!
remember?
[Everyone stops fighting.]
We're here to get
[He steps down to the ground.
General Hawk?
HAWK:
Here!
BUCKAROO:
I'm Buckaroo Banzai, and we've got a problem.
[Fade to black.]
[Scene 48. Exterior Shot. The streets of Washington, D.C. A red MG drives
by
and the camera follows as it weaves through traffic. In the driver's
seat
is a gentleman in a three piece suit. Sitting next to him is a woman in
her
mid-30's, long hair flowing in the wind, and wearing a semi-hip
flowerprint
outfit. Another man sits stiffly in the 'back seat'. His perfectly
combed
hair is not affected by the wind. His facial expression does not change
from
the bland, straight ahead look he wears. The car weaves through traffic,
passing a few monuments just so we can be sure it is our nation's
capital.
It passes a police car which is parking, and which rams into three
garbage
cans. The MG continues on and drives into a parked moving van. The
three
people--Maxwell Smart, Agent 99, and Hymie--get out of the MG and move to
the front of the van.]
HYMIE:
What are we doing here, Max?
MAX:
Hymie, this is the secret entrance to Control's Secret
Laboratory. Just beneath our feet, today's top scientists
are working to defeat KAOS.
99:
How can they put the entrance to Control's Lab in a moving
van?
MAX:
not
Because, 99, a Yugo would be too small.
Actually, it's
always a moving van, sometimes it's a diaper delivery
service
truck, or a UPS van. [He stoops to knock on the floor of
the van.] Now, where is that panel. Ah. [He taps on the
floor--dum, da da da dum, (Shave and a haircut) Suddenly,
Roger Rabbit appears out of nowhere.]
ROGER:
Two Bits!
MAX:
time
Wrong Panel.
[He bends down again, and taps again.
This
two taps are returned and the panel opens. A man dressed
similarly to Max pokes his head through.] Agent 44, how
are
you?
44:
Just fine, come on in, Max.
[The four of them descend through the hole.]
[Scene change. Interior Shot. A small chamber. A ladder leads up and a
steel
door is to the left. Five people are here--Max, Agent 44, Agent 99,
Hymie,
and a guy wearing clown makeup.]
MAX:
(whispers to 44) How is he today?
44:
constant.
(whispers back) OK, he's a bit irrational, but mostly
Say Hi.
MAX:
[Walking to the guy in the clown makeup.]
Agent 3.14159?
How goes it
[He looks up at Max, squeezes his nose twice and it honks like a horn.]
MAX:
Glad to hear it. [to 44] May we go in.
44:
Oh, sure, Go ahead.
[He sits down.
Max, 99, and Hymie go through the steel door.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. A large, white room. Many tables are
stocked
with scientific and technological devices. As the three agents enter,
they are greeted by a short, bald man in a white lab coat and green face.
His assistant Beeker is nearby.]
Dr. HONEYDEW:
Hello, Agent 86.
How can I help you?
MAX:
Well, Dr. Honeydew, I'd like to hear your findings on that
tape the television station sent over.
Dr. HONEYDEW:
Oh, that was very interesting, come this way. [They
walk across the lab, a plate of fruit sits on a table,
as they walk by it, Bunsen picks up the plate.] Care
for a prune?
MAX:
Uh, no thanks.
HYMIE:
his
I'd love a prune, Doctor.
[He takes one and pops it in
mouth.]
Dr. HONEYDEW:
used
Anyone else?
[He puts the plate down.]
Here we are.
I
the Muppet Labs computer to analyzer the tape we received.
From the evidence presented in the video, the leader of
the
World Crime League looks like this.
[He pressesa button on a nearby computer console and a picture of Grover
appears on the screen.]
99:
Doctor, are you sure that this is what 'Deep Voice' looks
like?
Dr. HONEYDEW:
I'd stake Beeker's life on it.
BEEKER:
MEEP!
MAX:
OK, so we'll look for someone who looks like a furry, blue
monster. Come on, we've got work to do.
Meep, meep! [Gets panicky.]
[Max, 99, and Hymie leave. Dr. Honeydew turns to the computer and
switches
it until Zigfried appears.]
Dr. HONEYDEW:
Smart bought the story.
ZIGFRIED:
Goot!
You vill be revarded, Doctor. Out.
[Scene 49. Interior Shot. Control Room of the TARDIS. The Doctor and
Romana monitor opposite ends of the control column, while Adric, Leela
and K-9 stand near the screen. All stare at the screen, which shows
something most unusual and unexpected. The screen displays a lush,
green,
tropical swamp. Three striped mattresses lay squirming in the muck.]
ADRIC:
What is it Doctor?
DOCTOR:
swamps
If I didn't know better, I'd say we're in the tropical
of Squornshellous Zeta, but that can't be.
LEELA:
Why can't it, Doctor?
DOCTOR:
This show isn't that silly.
ROMANA:
In any case, it is not the desert of the southwestern
United States, which means we've misjumped.
DOCTOR:
Yee-eees. Well, it must be a result of all the amateur
time jumping in that area. But, we can't get back until
we
know where we are, can we?
LEELA:
Doctor, look!
[The Doctor turns to look at the screen. A rather down-at-the-heels robot
hobbles onto the screen.]
DOCTOR:
Oh, my...[pause]
Let's get out of here.
LEELA:
What is it?
DOCTOR:
It's a robot, the most dangerous one ever made.
ROMANA:
But, surely he can't harm the TARDIS.
DOCTOR:
He's probably the one thing that can.
ADRIC:
where
Doctor, you said we couldn't leave here until we knew
here was.
DOCTOR:
[getting irritated.]
It's Squornshellous ZETA!
ROMANA:
You said that was impossible.
DOCTOR:
Never mind what I said, *SET COORDINATES*!
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. A murky, tropical swamp somewhere on
Sqournshellouz Zeta. Sitting in the muck is a blue, London Police
Box. A scarred and ancinet robot sloshes up to the box while mattresses
flollop in the background.]
MARVIN:
box.]
Oh, dear, an obstacle of some kind.
[Looks up at the
I don't suppose you could move aside. [pause] I only
ask because my directional circuits have shorted and I
cannot
go around you.
[pause]
I know you don't want to speak
with
me, nobody does.
[pause]
I really am having a dreadful
time,
I have this pain in all the diodes down my left side.
[pause,
a whirring sound is heard.]
Really, it's dreadful, here I
am
brain the size of a planet...[the TARDIS dissolves away.]
I
knew you didn't want to speak to me.
[He walks off and
promptly
gets one leg stuck in the mud.
He starts walking in
circles.]
[Scene 50. Interior Shot. Close-up of a television screen. It displays
the
MTV logo. It then switches to a close-up of Downtown Julie Brown, she
begins
to speak.]
JULIE:
what's
I'm Downtown Julie Brown for MTV with what's hot, and
not.
Here's what's hot!
[The screen changes to show the inside of a garage. Speakers and amps
are
piled everywhere. Behind a drum set, painted on the wall is 'Wyld
Stallyns'
A keyboard is off to the side.
guitar
fills the screen.]
BILL:
A blond, teenage boy holding a cool
I'm Bill S Preston, Esquire [He strums the guitar.]
[The camera pans until it shows a black-haired boy much like Bill in
appearance.]
TED:
[strums guitar.]
OFF-SCREEN
BILL:
Yeah!
And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.
[Ted points off screen. The "camera" follows his arm until it shows to
girls, a brunette and a redhead, dressed in savory outfits and looking
bashful.]
OFF-SCREEN
TED:
And they're the babes!
[Ted and Bill move onto the screen.]
BILL & TED:
And we're all, Wyld Stallyns!
[The real camera pans backward, and we see the group called Wyld Stallyns
sitting on a couch watching TV.]
BILL:
footage?
Most triumphant, Ted, dude.
TED:
I taped it at home, then I had Deacon use that tape while
filming us. OH wait, here's the best part.
ON-SCREEN
BILL:
Where'd you get the MTV
Oh, by the way, that's Eddie Van Halen.
[He points, and the "camera" swings to show a life-size cutout of the
rock
star.]
BILL & TED:
Excellent!
[They air guitar.]
OFF-STAGE
VOICE:
Your playing has improved, my excellent friends.
[Bill & Ted turn to see Rufus standing in front of a phone booth.]
BILL & TED:
Rufus!
[They rush to stand with him.]
RUFUS:
Hello, again.
BILL:
You look bummed, dude.
TED:
Yeah, what's wrong?
RUFUS:
There's something wrong in the future.
BILL:
What?
TED:
Isn't Wyld Stallyns music the basis of your civilization?
RUFUS:
Not any more. You see, while you guys were zooming around
the cosmos, it attracted the attention of some real bad
dudes, and now, we have to stop them.
BILL:
Most non-triumphant, dude.
TED:
How can we help?
RUFUS:
I need you to come back in time with me to stop them.
BILL & TED:
Excellent!
TED:
We'll be back, babes.
[They enter the phone booth and all three disappear.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Our Story So Far:
Steve Austin, aboard the Starship Enterprise (1701-A) is told that he was
supposed to have crashed, and nearly died in his test flight. Instead,
he
was saved from certain death by the quick thoughts of Captain Kirk, and
the
quick actions of Commander Kyle. Also, Guinan, having just emerged from
the
Guardian of Forever to discover that she accidentally caused the errors
in
the flow of time that she wanted to prevent, is in a state of catatonic
shock. Chekov calls down to inform the captain that two ships have
suddenly
appeared in the system, and are headed towards Earth. Marty McFly
decides
that if Spin really has managed to rebuild a working time machine from
the
parts at the train wreck, that they should contact Doc in 1885. As they
drive off into the distance, the special effects inform us that it
worked.
In the distant future of 2691, Rufus is bummed out. It seems that all of
the time distortions being caused in the past have turned the bright,
hopeful
future spawned by Bill and Ted into a wasteland of corruption and deceit.
Rufus is now a member of a resistance force, and he is going back in time
to enlist the aid of Bill and Ted to put the future back on the correct
course.
Luke and Company land in the desert near White Sands, New Mexico. As
they
are preparing to start out for the nearest city, Flash Gordon and his
friends
crash into the sand on a jet cycle (skewering Wedge in the process). The
two groups join forces and head out for the nearest city.
Sam and Al are in dire straits. They still have no idea why they are
where
they are, or even what they are really doing. Meanwhile, Riker, Data,
and
Geordi have discovered a bit of wreckage with what looks like Phaser burn
on it. Almost a mile and a half above them, in standard orbit, Subcommander
Tanalak, and Commander Sateen of the Romulan Empire are puzzling with
their
own problems. They're dilithium crystals have been drained from the time
warp that they followed the Enterprise crew into, and they are looking
for
a way to handle their current situation. Just then, the Star Wars
Empire's
attack force enters the system, and the Romulands head out to rendezvous
with
them.
The GI Joe task force is being briefed on their new enemy "The World
Crime
League" when they rush out to meet the 'attack' of Buckaroo Banzai and
the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Buckaroo manages to hold off the
hostilities
and begin a dialogue with General Hawk. Agent 86, 99 and Hymie enter the
secret Control labs, located in the floor of a moving van, and speak to
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, who reveals that he has determined the identity of
"Deep Voice." It is Grover. After Smart leaves, we see that Honeydew is
really working for KAOS.
The Doctor and his companions have misjumped and arrived on
Squornshellous
Zeta. The Doctor will not believe this, until he sees Marvin approaching
the TARDIS, at which point he panics and madly sets coordinates to bring
them back to Earth. After the TARDIS leaves, Marvin gets his artificial
leg stuck in the mud.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------__ __ _____ _____ ______
/ // // ___// ___// __ /
/ // // /__ / /_ / /_/ /
/ // //__ // __/ / ____/
/ // /___/ // /
/____//____//_/
/ /
/_/
The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 51. Exterior Shot. New Mexico Desert. Luke, C3-PO, R2-D2, Leia,
Solo,
Chewbacca, Lando, Zarkov, Flash, Dale, and Harry are walking through the
night. Luke, looks slightly despondent and hangs back. Leia slows down
to
talk to him.]
LEIA:
Luke, what's wrong?
LUKE:
Oh, nothing.
LEIA:
died.
Don't give me that, you haven't been the same since Wedge
LUKE:
Which time?
LEIA:
with
[pokes him in the arm.] For the last time, what is wrong
[He smiles, slightly]
you?
LUKE:
who
Does it ever bother you that every member of our family
ever became a Jedi succumbed to the Dark Side?
LEIA:
Well, you haven't.
LUKE:
Maybe.
LEIA:
What do you mean by that?
LUKE:
Think of it.
LEIA:
Well, you did, but that doesn't make you evil.
LUKE:
Killing is wrong.
LEIA:
But they were evil, the deserved it.
forgave you.
LUKE:
Another thing!
LEIA:
Your spirit advisors.
LUKE:
deals
Who are all dead!
with death!
LEIA:
[She crosses her arms on her chest.]
who killed all those Dark Knights?
Besides, they all
How have I continued my training?
It's the dark side of the force that
The force is about life!
Luke, you aren't evil.
[She puts a hand on his arm.]
You
just live in odd times. [A pause] We all do.
[They walk ahead and pass R2-D2 and C3-PO.
R2 veers off as they pass.]
C3-PO:
R2-D2, where are you going?
R2-D2:
*whistle* *twink* *bleep*
C3-PO:
I don't care what you've detected. We're going this way.
[He points in the direction the others have gone.]
R2-D2:
*bleep* *bloop* *whirrrrr*
C3-PO:
Oh, all right, I'm coming.
[They walk off along a path perpendicular to the rest.
stops
and C3-PO nearly trips over him.]
C3-PO:
What is it now?
R2-D2:
*beep* *whirrrrrr* *twinkle*
C3-PO:
Oh, OK, I'll look.
Suddenly, R2-D2
[C3-PO bends down to look closely at the ground.]
[Scene Change.
SISTER:
Giant sand dune.
A plastic green dune buggy drives up.]
Are we there yet, Papa Doodlebug?
[The car comes to a stop.]
PAPA:
Yes, we are, Sister Doodlebug.
SIS & BRO:
Hurray!
[Sister and Brother Doodlebug jump out and run off camera. Papa & Mamma
Doodlebug get out of the car, set up a beach umbrella, and lay on
towels.]
PAPA:
It sure is a fine day to be at the beach, Mamma Doodlebug.
MAMMA:
Yes, it is, Papa Doodlebug.
[Suddenly, the child doodlebugs rush back into the scene.]
BRO & SIS:
We can't find the water!
PAPA:
Are you sure?
BROTHER:
We looked everywhere.
MAMMA:
Maybe we should all look?
PAPA:
Good idea, Mamma Doodlebug.
[They all stand up.]
PAPA:
Let's look this way.
[All of them walk off in the indicated direction.]
MAMMA:
Let's try this way.
[All of them move in a new direction.]
SISTER:
This isn't working at all.
BROTHER:
Maybe we should split up and look for the water.
PAPA:
That is a good idea, Brother Doodlebug.
[They split up and walk off in different directions.
away
and shows C3-PO standing up.]
C3-PO:
What was that all about?
R2-D2:
*beep* *twinkle* *whirrrrrrrr*
C3-PO:
Filler!
SHREDDER:
Until I show up!
What do you mean filler?
The camera zooms
Filler until what?
Blast 'Em!
[Rock Steady and Be-Bop fire energy weapons at C3-PO and R2-D2, knocking
them
unconscious. Then they drag both droids into the terrordrome.]
[Scene 52. Interior Shot. A Star Trek convention. A very large (around
the
waist) man, dressed in a red TNG uniform, commander's rank, is walking
around.
He spots worf strutting his stuff. He waves his arm and calls out.]
MAN:
Pete!
Pete!
[Worf, unaware that anyone is calling him, continues on.
up to him.]
MAN:
sneer.]
Pete, didn't you hear me?
The man walks
[Worf regards him with a
You really do get into character don't you.
C'mon,
there's
been a rewrite, your lines have all been changed.
[The Man leads Worf through a door guarded by someone wearing Vulcan
ears.]
GUARD:
(addressing the man) Hi, Kevin.
KEVIN:
Hi, Jim.
[Worf and Kevin pass through the door. Inside, all is chaos. A man
dressed
as Counselor Troi walks up. He has two overstuffed balloons inside the
dress
and a wig on his head.]
FALSE TROI:
Pete!
Great costume!
Here, here's the rewrite.
[He hands Worf some mimeographed pages.
KEVIN:
Worf sneers at them.]
You go sit over there, I'll help them get ready.
[Worf goes and sits down on an old crate. After a minute, he begins
reading the script. A few seconds later, he laughs out loud.]
[Fade to black.]
[Scene 53. Exterior Shot. A dramatic, wind-swept, desert plain. The
wind
blows dramatically, blowing sand around in a dramatic way. In the
distant,
a majestic, yet dramatically placed mountain range can be seen, and the
smoke
from various campfires (now being built because we are viewing a dramatic
sunset) can be seen rising in the distance. The camera pans around and
we
see a dust-trail (dramatic, but not caused by the wind). Following the
trail, a large, overly-muscular, and very dramatic man is seen riding a
horse at a fast pace. Dramatically. Three men come out of a
conveniently,
yet dramatically, placed copse of trees. They draw swords and look
menacingly
at our dramatic hero.]
EVIL GUY #1:
Conan!
[Conan pulls his horse to a stop.
EVIL GUY #1:
It rears up slightly as it does so.]
We would speak with you.
[Conan slowly draws his sword, preparing for the dramatic battle he
knows is to come.]
EVIL GUY #1:
Get him!
[All three evil guys charge Conan. He charges back, and slashes one of
them to the ground, while deftly dodging two swings from oponents. The
third (Evil Guy #1) hits him with the pommel of his sword, knocking Conan
of horseback. Evil Guys #1 and #2 turn their horses around and make
ready
for another charge. Conan holds his sword in a dramatic pose over his
head. The two Evil Guys on horseback charge, and Conan manages to slash
one of his sword, while knocking the other off on the back swing. Now
two Evil guys are lying on the ground, and one more stands ready to
fight.
Conan and Evil Guy #1 battle back and forth for a while, just as Conan
manages
to knock Evil Guy #1 down, one of the other two guys attack him from
behind,
distracting him from the final kill. Finally, all three have mortal
slash
wounds to the chest. Conan stands over them, chest heaving dramatically
from
exertion. Then he hears a voice.]
BIG, EVIL GUY: Conan!
[Conan turns to see a very big man riding a huge black horse standing
near
the copse of trees that the original men came out of. He charges on his
horse, missing Conan (he ducks) and turning around for another go. Conan
waves his sword around dramatically, holds it over his head in that
one-handed-I'm-gonna-throw-this-big-ass-heavy-sword-that-has-noaerodynamic-properties-at-all-and-I'm-gonna-hit-what-I-aim-at-cos-I'm-Conan-so-there
pose. The tableau freezes for about thirty seconds, while the background
orchestra plays a dramatic chord. Then, Conan throws the sword.]
[Scene 54. Exterior Shot. White Sands, New Mexico. Yet another portion
of
this god-forsaken desert that nobody has arrived at. For a government
jet
testing site, this place sure gets a lot of traffic doesn't it. A
whirring
noise is heard and a blue police box fades into existence. The door
opens and
the Doctor pokes his head out to have a look around. He brings his head
back
in and closes the door. Pause. The door opens again and Romana has a
look
around this time. She closes the dooor. Pause. The door opens a third
time
and K-9 comes out and makes one pass around the TARDIS without
discovering
anything at all. He speaks.]
K-9:
The coast is clear, Doctor.
DOCTOR:
[from within] Are you sure?
K-9:
There is nothing registering on my sensors for quite some
distance. I do not believe that that robot is in the
vicinity.
DOCTOR:
Well, if you're sure, I'll come out.
[The Doctor pokes his head out the door and finally steps out. He walks
360 degrees around the TARDIS, looking out in every direction, then he
turns and walks in the other direction looking out into the distance.
Finally, he calls into the TARDIS.]
DOCTOR:
Ok, every thing seems to be clear out here.
[Leela, Adric, and Romana step out of the TARDIS.]
ROMANA:
You have your key, Doctor?
[The Doctor fumbles around in his long jacket for a bit, and pulls out a
large
key shaped device. He holds it up.]
ROMANA:
[Nods.]
Good.
[She closes the door to the TARDIS.]
LEELA:
No, what do we do, Doctor?
DOCTOR:
about, I
Well, since that dreadful Marvin doesn't appear to be
suppose we could settle down to doing what it is we were
setting
about to do in the first place.
ADRIC:
And what was that?
DOCTOR:
in
I'm not quite sure, really.
However, all the time travel
the vicinity, surely warrants an investigation.
K-9:
Yes, Doctor.
DOCTOR:
Jet
Access the TARDIS computers.
K-9?
Where is the United States
Testing Range in relation to where we are?
K-9:
Approximately 3.56 miles to the northwest, Doctor.
DOCTOR:
Good, come along then.
[They all head off for the testing range, and their appointment with
Destiny.
Fade to black.]
[Scene 55. Interior Shot. The Command Deck of the new, improved Dreck
Star.
Various Imperial Officers walk around giving orders to Imperial Soldiers
who
are all wearing that goofy looking helmet. You know the one, it looks
like
a racing bikers helmet, but it's more symmetrical, and it's sideways, and
it's
a deep, glossy black. One General walks up to Karth Gator who is, of
course,
striking a dramatic pose.]
GENERAL:
Lord Gator, we have a small ship approaching us, about the
size of three TIE-Fighters.
GATOR:
Is it a new rebel ship?
GENERAL:
Unknown, there is no beacon, and it is unlike any ships we
have ever encountered before.
GATOR:
Show me.
[Gator and the General walk over to one of the control consoles. The
General
taps the soldier manning the station on the shoulder and relieves him.
Then,
the General sits down and begins entering commands. Soon the viewscreen
at
the station shows an exterior shot of space with a Romulan Bird of Prey
approaching.]
GATOR:
That is unusual.
What else have you to report?
GENERAL:
the
Nothing, Lord... [He is interrupted by a beeping alarm at
station he is sitting at.
adjusting controls.]
He immediately turns and begins
GATOR:
What is it?
GENERAL:
kind.
The ship, it has started emitting energy waves of some
[Lord Gator leans over the General to look more closely at the ship.]
GATOR:
Could it be part of a defense force from the third planet?
GENERAL:
was
Impossible.
Our advanced scouts reported that this planet
completely without a space fleet of any use.
They haven't
even
reached their own moon yet.
GATOR:
Then what is that ship doing?
[Center on Gator's face, then cut to...
Interior Shot.
Bridge of the Romulan War Bird.
Commander Sateen and
Sub-Commander Tanalak are at their usual stations. The Sub-Commander
rises from his chair and stalks over to the communications station.]
TANALAK:
What is taking so long?
COMM. OFFICER: I don't know sir. We've been broadcasting on sub-space
signals since we left Earth orbit, but they still haven't
responded. Perhaps there is a problem with their
communication
equipment.
TANALAK:
me
There's forty ships in that fleet!
Are you trying to tell
that every receiver on every one of those ships is
broken!?
COMM. OFFICER: It was just a theory.
Still, they haven't responded yet.
SATEEN:
The Enterprise isn't going to let us try this forever.
Eventually, Kirk will be on our tails, and then we're
in real trouble. This has to work.
TANALAK:
nothing.
We're broadcasting messages on all channels and still
I think it's hopeless.
[An alarm klaxon goes off]
DECK OFFICER:
The Enterprise is approaching, coming in range.
SATEEN:
It's too late.
Come about, prepare for battle.
[Tanalak returns to his seat, while officers rush around preparing for
what
will probably be the last battle of their lives.]
DECK OFFICER:
Commander!
The engines are not responding.
SATEEN:
happening
[Clicks on a communicator panel.]
Engineer, what is
down there!
ENG. CMDR:
all
I dinna ken, Commander!
The engines, they're givin' it
they got, but something is pulling us in de other
direction!
SATEEN:
Thank you, Engineer, Bridge out.
TANALAK:
What are we going to do?
SATEEN:
Nothing. We have already achieved what we want. The only
force that could be pulling at us, has to be a tractor
beam
The Enterprise is on it's way.
from the approaching fleet. We've made contact.
Enterprise isn't going to fight them for us.
The
[Scene change to Bridge of the Dreck Star.]
GATOR:
personally.
Put them in Bay #4, I want to have a talk with them
GENERAL:
[Standing once again]
Yes, Lord Gator.
[Karth turns and stalks out of the room.]
[Scene 56. Interior Shot. The kitchen of a farmhouse. Outside the
window
over the washbasin, we can see that the house is in the middle of a
prairie
out in the midst of nowhere. Off to one side, if looked at from the
proper
angle out the window, can be seen a large barn, three railroad cars in
length,
with lightning rods, weather vanes, and other odd looking equipment
stacked on
the roof.
Inside, two young boys sit at the kitchen table. One is reading from an
oversized, leather-bound, book. The cover reads "De revolutionibus
orbium
caelestium -- Nicolaus Copernicus." The other is eating from what
appears
to be a bowl of corn flakes. The one eating the corn flakes is obviously
the younger of the two. His feet do not reach the ground and he swings
them
about underneath the table. Sitting below this boy is a scruffy dog.
Working at the kitchen counter is a black-haired woman in her late
30's/early
40's. She moves about the room, deftly stepping over the dog when he
gets
underfoot and putting plates on the table, getting things ready for
breakfast.
She walks by a picture frame that appears to have a newspaper in it. The
camera stays on the frame, and suddenly the woman moves back into view.
She
gasps and grabs the picture off the wall.]
CLARA:
Jules!
Verne!
Come here!
[The two boys get up from the table and run over.]
JULES:
What is it, Mother?
CLARA:
Boys, take this out to the barn.
see it.
Your father will want to
BOTH BOYS:
Yes, mother.
[Jules grabs the picture frame and runs out the front door.
right
behind him.]
CLARA:
Verne is
Great Scott!
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. The interior of a large barn. Sitting in
the middle of the barn is a Plymouth Volare. 'Doc' Emmett Brown is
pacing
around the car, studying it from every angle. Staying largely out of his
way are Marty McFly and Spin Tannen. Suddenly, the front doors burst
open
and Jules and Verne come in.]
BOYS:
Papa!
Look!
DOC:
closed!
Boys!
Shut that door, that door must always remain
[Verne goes and carefully shuts the door.]
DOC:
Now, what's the problem?
JULES:
[out of breath] Mom said to bring this to you right away.
[He hands Doc the newspaper in a frame.]
DOC:
This is heavy!
Marty, come take a look at this.
[As Marty rushes over to stand by the Doc, the camera focuses in on the
newspaper. It's a copy of the Hill Valley Gazette, dated July 22, 1969.
The Banner Headline across the top reads 'Final Apollo Rocket
Scrapped!'*]
{* Historical note: July 22, 1969 is a few days after the first moon
landing. I include this information as a gratuity to my readers, as I
spent
several hours looking it up on the net myself.}
MARTY:
Great Scott!
DOC:
of
Marty!
Doc, what does this mean?
I don't know.
I doubt that the simple recreation
my time machine could have caused all this.
Unless,
something
you and Spin did already could have that wide an affect.
MARTY:
with
No, Doc, we came right here.
just driving it around.
do.
I knew there'd be trouble
I thought you might know what to
DOC:
Well then, there's obviously something wrong with the
space/time continuum. I keep this and other newspapers
around
to watchdog the future, in case anything like this should
happen.
SPIN:
Well, what can we do?
DOC:
fix
We can get in this contraption of yours and see if we can
what once went wrong.
[As he utters that line, the Doc pauses and looks off in the distance.]
MARTY:
Doc, what is it?
DOC:
before.
I don't know, it just seems to me I've heard that line
Well, never mind, we have to go.
SPIN:
Where are we going?
[The Doc pauses as he is getting in the car....]
DOC:
Back to the Future!
[He points off in some random direction, then gets in the car.]
DOC:
Get in!
[Marty and Spin scramble to get in the car.
down the window.]
DOC:
should
Doc starts it up and rolls
Jules! Verne! Tell your mother I've gone to 1969, and I
be back before dinner!
[With that, he rolls up the window and drives out the back of the barn.
He
accelerates off into the distance, and leaves a double streak of flames
through the field.]
[Scene 57. Interior Shot. The office of Oscar Goldman, chief of
operations
at OSS. Sam is sitting behind the desk, with a huge stack of papers on
it.
Al is pacing back and forth behind him.]
AL:
Sam, this isn't getting us anywhere.
SAM:
I know, but I have to go through these by hand until Ziggy
manages to break into the computer. What's taking him so
long anyway?
AL:
That, spot of tea thing, remember...
SAM:
and PhD
Oh yeah, that.
Anyway, these are the files of every MD
who works for the government in any way.
AL:
Yes, but we're not even sure these are the people we're
looking for.
SAM:
You have a better idea?
AL:
No.
SAM:
Good, now look over this one, Dr. Clayton Forrester...
[There's a knock at the door.]
SAM:
Come in.
[The door opens and a blonde bombshell of a secretary walks in. She
sexily
walks to the desk, sits on the edge, crosses her legs, tosses her hair
back,
and smiles at Sam. Al goes into convulsions.]
SECRETARY:
There's someone here to see you, sir, but he doesn't have
an appointment.
SAM:
Well, who is it?
SECRETARY:
secretary
He says his name is Gary Seven, and he brought his
with him.
AL:
[punching buttons] Checking Sam.....
SAM:
um....
AL:
York.
Um, Ziggy says that he's a private investigator from New
Specializes in touchy cases that involve espionage
usually.
OSS has worked with him a couple of times before.
SAM:
Send him in.
SECRETARY:
Ok.
[She walks out of the room, Al begins to follow her lecherously, but Sam
shoots
him a look, and Al stays behind. A few moments later, Gary Seven and
Roberta
Lincoln walk in.]
SAM:
help
[Standing up.]
Mr. Seven, have a seat.
What can I do to
you?
GARY:
Mr. Goldman, there's a problem, and I don't know if you're
aware of it, but you are definitely in the best position
to
help fix it.
SAM:
What's the problem?
GARY:
Roberta?
[Roberta steps forward with a small cube. She places it on the desk and
aligns it slightly. Then she presses the top of the cube, and steps
back.
The cube begins to glow a bright blue, the lights in the room dim, and
a hologram is displayed into the middle of the room. Al, walks over to
it amazed.]
AL:
Sam, there's no way anyone in this century has this kind
of technology. We don't have it in our century.
[Al walks through the projection and is defocused quite a bit. It looks
like something is interfering with his pattern. Sam makes an abortive
gesture, but stops when Al comes out looking fine, but looking around
him in a perplexed way.]
GARY:
generated
Mr. Goldman, I know you don't understand how I've
this, but you'll have to trust me. [He walks over to the
hologram.] This is the Kennedy Space Center at noon
today. [The hologram shows what looks to be an Saturn V
rocket being removed from it's platform and dismantled.]
SAM:
How...
GARY:
You're wondering how I got this picture. [He of course
is wrong, Sam was wondering how something like the
destruction of the last Saturn V rocket could happen at this
critical juncture of the nation's space program, but
Gary couldn't possibly have that information. The real
Oscar Goldman would have been wondering how Gary got the
picture, so it's almost as good.] Let's just say that I
have very good resources.
SAM:
[nods.] Ok.
GARY:
Good, the problem here is, that this isn't supposed to be
what's happening. This country is supposed to be on the
verge of it's greatest triumph in spaceflight history so
far. Let me show you.
[He nods at Roberta, who touches another face of the cube. The hologram
changes to show a 3-d enhanced version of Neil Armstrong's first moon
walk.]
GARY:
I made this tape myself, from files aboard a ship called
the Enterprise. They intercepted me on my way here to
start my mission.
SAM:
On your way here.
to them.
GARY:
I'm sorry, Mr. Goldman. You misunderstand. My mission,
which I have been carrying out for the past few years has
been to monitor the people of Earth and keep them from
destroying themselves too soon.
SAM:
Too soon.
GARY:
Well, not at all, hopefully, but especially not
before they've had a chance to get out into the
galaxy and meet the other races that are out there.
SAM:
You mean, you're from another planet?
GARY:
No, I'm from Earth. A long time ago I was taken from my
home to another planet 1000's of light years from here. I
Are they around?
I'd like to talk
was
trained, and returned to safeguard the Earth from itself.
AL:
This guy's for real, Sam. I just checked and Ziggy finds
conflicting reports about whether the moon landing even
happened. He has found records that indicate that this
did happen though.
SAM:
How could this happen?
GARY:
I'm not sure, Mr. Goldman.
AL:
streams
Ziggy thinks it's another part of this paradox crossmulti-solipsism thing. [He's waving his arms about trying
to describe it.] It's getting worse, and things are
starting
to really get messed up.
There's one good thing.
SAM:
What's that?
GARY:
I said I wasn't sure.
AL:
Ziggy's stopped worrying about tea.
SAM:
*sighs*
GARY:
being
My information shows that the entire space program is
scrapped.
There were no signs of this happening at all
until
a week ago.
I traced the vectors through time that
created
this mishap and traced them to you. The question is, why
haven't you had Steve Austin placed in the bionic man
program?
Why haven't you rebuilt him?
SAM:
ago
GARY:
right
But, Mr. Seven, Steve Austin died in a plane crash a week
today.
How could I have put him in the program?
What?!
This is impossible!
Mr. Goldman, would it be all
with you if I inspected the crash site myself.
AL:
Let him, Sam, this may be the help we've been looking for.
SAM:
Yes, I can take you there myself right now.
GARY:
Ok, then, let's go.
[Gary, Roberta, and Sam stand up and leave the office.
out,
walking through the door they close behind them.]
Al, follows them
[Scene 58. Interior Shot. The Flight Deck of the Liberator.
sitting in the central couch.]
BLAKE:
Nantucket
Rog Blake is
Zen, chart me a course through the vineyards, too
system.
ZEN:
through
Charting.
There is an anomaly in the most direct route
that path, steer around?
BLAKE:
Is it dangerous?
ZEN:
It could be.
BLAKE:
Well, then, why aren't you steering around it
automatically.
ZEN:
have
You may have wished to investigate that region.
been your intention.
BLAKE:
Enter that course then, we'll have a look at it.
ZEN:
Path charted. Rockets firing.
It may
BLAKE:
Thank you, Zen.
[He looks at the computer suspiciously.]
[Blake stands up and walks over to Orac.
He turns the machine on.]
BLAKE:
Orac?
ORAC:
What is it now?
BLAKE:
sudden?
Have you any idea why Zen is being so helpful all of a
ORAC:
condescending
Simple, I reprogrammed him. I found his unhelpful,
manner irritating.
BLAKE:
Orac, you shouldn't have done that.
ORAC:
Why ever not?
BLAKE:
You might have damaged him.
ORAC:
my
I don't see how.
I was extremely careful, and I did have
own patterns to draw on as an example.
Was there anything
else
you wanted of me?
BLAKE:
anomaly
No, I mean, yes.
See what you can find out about this
we're approaching, before we get there.
ORAC:
I'll get to work on it, as soon as possible.
BLAKE:
Thank you.
[Blake walks back to the couch to study the starfield in the viewscreen.]
[Scene 59. Interior Shot. The boardroom where the members of the World
Crime League have their meetings. It is empty now, except for the
mysterious
leader, who still sits with his back to the camera, stroking a white ball
ball of fur. There's still nothing on it to distinguish whether it is a
cat
or a hamster, or a rabbit. A black gloved hand reaches out and touches a
button on the arm of his chair.]
DEEP VOICE:
What is all the commotion out there?
VOICE OF
SECRETARY:
are
How did...?
Um...It seems that some of your associates
a bit confused about what you want them to do?
DEEP VOICE:
Send them in.
[The large double doors open and Krang, Lex Luthor, and Zigfried enter.]
DEEP VOICE:
[without turning around] What seems to be the problem
gentlemen?
ZIGFRIED:
Well, first of all, why do you want Maxwell Smart to think
that you're a muppet!
LUTHOR:
And I'm getting pretty tired of doing all of the UN's
paperwork and not getting much else done.
KRANG:
And how long do you expect me to just keep watch over that
deserted patch of desert in New Mexico!
DEEP VOICE:
visitor
All will become clear, gentleman.
Mr. Luthor, while the
I was expecting to visit Mr. Lethbridge-Stewart has
already
come and gone, we must still keep the general on ice so
that
he cannot warn the Doctor.
Zigfried, you know as well as
I
do that Agent Smart has a talent for stumbling onto the
truth
no matter what you do to hide it from him. I'm just going
to make it a little easier for him, and allow him to
follow
the path to the truth that I have chosen for him.
lucky, he won't survive it.
If he's
KRANG:
But, what about me? You promised that I would be able to
strike at those accursed turtles.
DEEP VOICE:
forces
At this very moment, your turtle friends are joining
with the enemies of your associates.
The final
confrontation
will take place in that desert, I am giving you an
advantage.
Now, have you brought me the droids?
KRANG:
Just a moment.
[Krang's robot beckons with his right arm. Be-Bop and Rock Steady move
in
escorting R2-D2 and C3-PO. C3-PO is visibly nervous.]
DEEP VOICE:
yours
Hello, my friendly little droids.
waiting to meet you.
get
I have an old friend of
Krang, leave them with me.
Luthor
back to the UN and wait for further instructions.
Zigfried,
continue to carry out the orders I've set for you.
Expect
some
reinforcements from Dr. Doom's personal army to be
arriving
within the week.
[Krang, Luthor, and Zigfried exit closing the doors behind them. Deep
Voice
holds up a large remote control and points it at another wall. He
presses
a large glowing button, and it slides up, revealing Jabba the Hut sitting
on a movable platform.]
R2-D2:
*beep* *whiirrrrr* *rattle*
C3-PO:
I know, I thought he'd died too.
JABBA:*
Hello again, it is good to have my favorite droids back
again. I missed you. Ha ha ha ha!
(*Author's Note:
that
he speaks.)
All of Jabba's dialogue is translated from the Hutese
C3-PO:
What are you going to do to us?
JABBA:
Put you back to work of course. This time, that Jedi will
not defeat me, and I will be assisting my friend in the
greater glory of crime. Ha ha ha ha!
[Fade to black.]
[Scene 60. Interior Shot. A convention center. Everyone is gathered
around
a small stage, where Worf and several others are performing. The stage
is
set up to be a mock up of the bridge of the Next Generation Enterprise.
"Captain Picard" is sitting in the command seat. "Deanna Troi" (played
by
a man with a beard in drag), is sitting next to him. "Data" and "Wesley"
are at Con and Ops respectively. "Riker" strikes a dramatic pose near
the
center, and Worf (no quotes, this is the real McCoy (no not the doctor,
the
klingon)) is at the security station.]
"PICARD":
On screen, Mr. Data.
"DATA":
On screen now, sir.
"RIKER":
What the hell is that?
"DATA":
It would appear to be a structure of monolithic size, sir.
Sensors read it as a cylindrical solid 1 kilometer in
length
and with a diameter of 300 meters.
"PICARD":
What is it's heading?
"DATA":
It appears to be on a course directly headed for Earth.
WORF:
We are being hailed, sir.
"PICARD":
On speakers.
Audio only.
[Worf presses the button on a tape recorder in front of him, which is
hidden
from most of the audience by his console. The tape recorder emits loud
whale
songs.]
"TROI":
Oh, the pain!
"RIKER":
in
What is it Deanna?
Doy you sense some emotional conflict
these sounds that we mere humans cannot comprehend?
"TROI":
No, I have a killer hangover, and that noise is incredibly
loud. And you can stop shouting now.
"PICARD":
Cancel speakers, Worf.
[Worf turns off the tape recorder.]
"DATA":
Captain, the last recorded sighting of this object was 80
standard years ago, when it headed directly for Earth, and
nearly destroyed it in the process.
"PICARD":
What happened?
"DATA":
humpback
According to Starfleet records, it was looking for
whales, which had been extinct for nearly two centuries.
"PICARD":
How was disaster averted?
"DATA":
Uncertain, sir. Some reports state that a Klingon Cruiser
manned by a Federation Crew went back in time to bring
some humpback whales to Earth of their present. Since
then,
there has been a small population of humpback whales in
the
San Francisco basin area that is slowly spreading out to
the
rest of the world.
"PICARD":
Thank you, but why would this probe be coming back now.
"DATA":
Unknown.
"PICARD":
Suggestions.
"RIKER":
Recommend we try and communicate, sir.
"DATA":
impossible
In the past, communication with this probe proved
without knowledge of the humpback whales language.
I
suggest
allowing it to run its course, and follow it to determine
its
intents.
WORF:
Klingon Honor demands that we kill...I mean kill...I want
to see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth, I
mean
kill...kill...kill...I want to burn village women's
houses,
and eat dead babies, I mean kill...kill...[He starts
jumping
up and down]...Kill..Kill...Kill...
[And Wesley starts jumping up and down and shouting with him.]
WORF &
"WESLEY":
"PICARD":
Crusher,
Kill...Kill...Kill...
That's enough.
Thank you for your suggestion.
Mr.
please return to your station.
"WESLEY":
I'm sorry, sir, it's just that I got so excited and...
"CREW":
Shut up, Wesley!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------Our Story So Far:
While Luke broods over the fact that he might be succumbing to the dark
side of the force (with Leia trying to cheer him up. C3-PO and R2-D2
wander off into the desert. After watching a small scene with the
doodlebugs, the droids are kidnapped by Shredder, Be Bop, and Rock
Steady.
At the local Star Trek convention, Worf is mistaken for an actor in a
parody play being put on by the local fan group. Worf is saved by the
last minute script revision, and gets a chance to learn all of his lines
before the play.
In the skies over planet Earth, The Enterprise 1701-A keeps a watchful
eye
on the Romulan vessel that followed them through the time warp. As they
watch, the Romulans leave orbit, and head towards an approaching fleet
from
a galaxy far, far away. The Romulans, for their part, are trying to
surrender not only themselves, but the entire planet Earth to the
approaching
fleet. Instead, they are taken by a tractor beam.
After some initial apprehension about the potential existence of Marvin
the
Robot in the vicinity, the Doctor and his companions head towards the Air
Force Jet Testing range. Sam Beckett in his guise as Oscar Goldman is
interviewing Doctor's who work for the government, hoping that one of
them
will be the "Doctor" he is supposed to assist. He is interrupted in this
by a visit from Gary Seven, who demands to know what happened to the
USA's
rocket program.
Doc Brown, who learned about the destruction of the Apollo Rockets before
the moon launch from a newspaper he had around his house, takes Spin and
Marty on an emergency mission to the past (their relative future, it's
all
very confusing isn't it?)
Blake makes an interesting discovery about Orac's abilities, when he
finds
that Orac has reprogrammed Zen to be more helpful. They head off towards
an anomaly in Nantucket system, while Orac tries to determine what it is.
At least, we hope that's what Orac is doing, never can be sure.
That brings us to the beginning of this batch. Hope you all enjoy it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------__ __ _____ _____ ______
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/ // // /__ / /_ / /_/ /
/ // //__ // __/ / ____/
/ // /___/ // /
/ /
/____//____//_/
/_/
The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 61. Interior Shot. An apartment, some where in Albuquerque, New
Mexico. It is in a low-rent, sleazy district. It has very few
furnishings,
and the floor is covered with reams of paper that have been strewn all
about.
In the center of the room, Data and Geordi are hovering above their tricorders
examing the piece of wreckage they took from the testing grounds. On the
floor beside them are plans for standard fighter jets of the time, and
also
sheets of paper that hold various trajectory calculations. Riker walks
into
the room.]
RIKER:
Well, have you got anything yet?
LaFORGE:
Guinan
Actually, yes we do.
We've determined exactly where
should be.
RIKER:
And?
DATA:
Dead, sir.
RIKER:
What?!?
DATA:
and
Guinan appeared approximately three hours before we did,
the portal opened several hundred meters above the ground.
She must have plummeted to her death, except...
RIKER:
Except what?
LaFORGE:
Except that there's no body. There's been no discussion
of an unknown woman appearing on the test grounds, no
obituaries for a jane doe answering to her description.
Nothing.
RIKER:
Conclusions?
DATA:
Somebody, or something, saved her.
RIKER:
Something?
DATA:
With my Tricorder, I have been picking up strange signals
from orbit. Almost as if there were a starship up there.
RIKER:
But, that's impossible.
time.
DATA:
there,
Precisely.
There are no starships in this
But, there is a definite starship signal up
and it appears to be very old.
RIKER:
from
And you think that whatever it is up there, saved Guinan
certain death somehow.
DATA:
[Scene 62.
joint
It does seem to be the only possibility, Commander.
Exterior Shot.
Outside the Justice League of America.
A
effort of evil forces consisting of some of Dr. Doom's elite robot
warriors,
some rather well armed thugs from the Kingpin's syndicate, and large
amounts
of blue shirts from Cobra's forces. They all seem to be streaming out of
the 'Skull Head' Headquarters of the Legion of Doom and are launching a
fairly
effective attack. Hovering over the massed armies is a jet-propelled
platform.
Standing on the platform are Destro, Cobra Commander, and Professor
Moriarity.]
COBRA
COMMANDER:
DESTRO:
served
Attack!
Attack!
Victory is ours!
I am still not convinced that our best interests are
by attacking this installation.
COBRA
COMMANDER:
I told you Destro! This is all according to a grand plan,
a master scheme, better than anything you've ever come up
with.
DESTRO:
I resent the implication you are making.
MORIARITY:
Gentlemen, please. There's no need for us to fight among
ourselves, for now, we must continue our assault on the
building up ahead. From here, we will have access to
the top secret communications of every major world
government.
Surely, Destro, you can see the use in that kind of
access.
DESTRO:
their
Yes, but those are super-powered mutants in there, and
technology seems to be far superior to ours.
even dented their defenses yet.
We haven't
[From behind them, Sinestro climbs onto the hover platform and
approaches them.]
SINESTRO:
Not to worry gentlemen. We at the Legion of Doom have our
own share of super powers.
[He gestures with his yellow ring. A beam of yellow energy bursts forth
from
it. It shoots out over the heads of the amassed armies. The energy
takes
the form of a giant parakeet, which lands on the roof of the Justice
League
of America and begins pecking at the dome.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Inside the main control room of the
Justice
League. Only three beings are present, the Wonder Twins, Zan and Jayna,
and
their pet space monkey, Gleek. They are watching the attack being
launched
on the main viewscreen.]
ZAN:
What are we going to do Jayna?
JAYNA:
they
Nothing Zan.
The Superfriends said to wait here until
got back.
[A squawk redirects their attention to the viewscreen.
giant
yellow parakeet approaching and land on the roof.]
They see the
ZAN:
Won't be long before they break through now.
go out there and stop them.
We have to
JAYNA:
But the Superfriends said...
ZAN:
The Superfriends didn't know about the Legion of Doom
helping in the attack. Come on.
JAYNA:
Oh, all right.
[The connect hands.]
TWINS:
Wonder Twin Powers....Activate!
JAYNA:
cartoon
Form of a Pterodactyl!
[She transforms in a cheesy
effect.]
ZAN:
Shape of an Ice Gatling Gun!
[So does he.]
[Gleek leaps on top of Zan and grabs a convenient handle.
the
monkey by his shirt, and flies off.]
Jayna graps
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Outside the Justice League of America
building. The Sinestro-generated parakeet (henceforth called the
Sinestrokeet) is still pecking away at the dome. Suddenly, the
pterodactyl appears from behind the building.]
JAYNA:
can
I'll take care of that overgrown bird, you see what you
do about that mob.
ZAN:
Right.
Drop me over there.
[The pterodactyl drops Zan on the roof of the building and proceeds to
attack the Sinestrokeet.]
JAYNA:
All right, you sorry son of a carrier pigeon, let's see
what you've got?
[She flies over and begins to battle the Sinestrokeet. (Unless
specifically
mentioned in the script, chorography of the fight scenes are left to the
discretion of the director.) Gleek drops to the roof and turns a crank
on
the side of Zan. Bullets, made of purple ice shoot out at the
approaching
criminals. Meanwhile, on the hovering platform.]
DESTRO:
COBRA
COMMANDER:
SINESTRO:
See, now the heroes come out to defend.
Destro, I am sick and tired of your endless predictions of
doom and gloom. There are only two heroes there!
These are not truly heroes.
can easily defeat them.
These are but teenagers.
We
[Sinestro turns back to concentrate on defeating the pterodactyl. As his
ring's energy beam battles Jayna, and the Cobra warriors, Kingpin thugs,
and Doom Elite warriors continue the assault, a green lasso appears from
the skies and encircles the Sinestrokeet's neck. Pan upward to see the
Superfriends (Wonder Woman, Superman, Batman, Green Lantern, Hawkman, and
Aquaman {in Wonder Woman's invisible jet}) approaching. They quickly
dive
into the fight.
However, even with the additional firepower of these heroes, the fight is
a stalemate. There are, after all, a whole bunch, and I mean a *Whole
Bunch*,
of thugs, warriors, and doom robots there.]
DESTRO:
This is getting us nowhere.
prepared with a solution.
[He moves to the other side of the
He
aims and fires at a nearby (rather
the plot) volcano. This sets of a
volcano to erupt. Jayna breaks off
Fortunately, I am
platform and grabs a rocket launcher.
inconveniently placed, but it advances
chain reaction, which will cause the
from the battle.]
JAYNA:
Zan! That mountain is going to erupt, pouring molten lava
all over that village.
ZAN:
We've got to stop it.
TWINS:
Wonder Twin Powers....Activate!
ZAN:
Form of ... An Ice Cap!
JAYNA:
Shape of ... a Yeti!
[Both transform in cheesy cartoon effects. Jayna then picks up Zan and
bounds off toward the mountain, away from the fight. The Superfriends
continue to fight the approaching hordes, Aquaman flies the invisible
jet,
while Wonder Woman attacks with her lasso, Batman continues firing bat
devices from his batcopter, and the other heroes are fighting in their
usual methods.]
[Meanwhile.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. The interior of a jet craft flying
overhead.
Inside, are various members of New York's super hero community. They've
all
banded together, borrowing equipment from the army, to transport
themselves
here and join the battle to save the Justice League of America.
Preparing
now to parachute, or otherwise drop into the melle are Captain America,
the
Black Knight, the Wasp, the SubMariner, Hercules, Spiderman, the SheHulk,
the Thing, Reed Richards, Sue Richards, the Human Torch, Thor, and, of
course,
Dr. Strange. They are planning their entrance, when Sue Richards notices
the volcano about to explode. She points it out.]
SUE:
that
Look!
One of the villains has caused a chain reaction
will make that volcano erupt in minutes!
HERCULES:
Superfriends
Verily this is a splitting tactic, to cause yon
to withdraw from the battle to defend their home.
CAP AMERICA:
too
It looks like the Superfriends may not notice until its
late.
Odds are that the villains will pull back just
enough
to let them notice in time to save the town, but not stop
the eruption.
REED:
us
I don't think the villains know we're here yet.
Some of
could go take care of that, while the rest of you help
defend
the Justice League.
[Incidental note:
Reed is steering
the
jet, or actually controlling the hovering, but his head is
stretched into the back to join the conversation.]
SHE-HULK:
A good plan. After some of us drop into the battle, the
rest can fly off to the volcano to stop it.
CAP AMERICA:
Ok, I suggest that Reed, Sue, Hercules, and Thor go handle
the volcano emergency, while the rest of us go help the
Superfriends clean up their mess.
[Choruses of good plan are heard, and then those heroes not mentioned in
Cap's plan drop out of the plane. Reed pulls his head back to the
cockpit
to prepare to fly off towards the volcano, the plane veers off to avert
disaster.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. The battlefield in front of the Justice
League.
Things are pretty evenly matched, but there continually seem to be more
and
more thugs, goons, warriors, drones, and robots for the superheroes to
contend
with. The Superfriends, being heroes and good guy types, are doing their
best
not to kill anybody, just wound and take them out of commission.
Suddenly, a
loud cry is heard from above and a six foot six inch green woman drops
out of
the sky and lands on a crowd of Cobra Warriors. That's enough to take
most of
those she landed on out. She immediately begins swinging into action,
sometimes hitting three or four people with one haymaker. Slowly, others
drop into the action, the SubMariner flies in, fists swinging; Spiderman
swoops down on some webbing and begins tying up goons with his web;
Captain
America drops down in a red, white, and blue parachute, tossing his
sheild
ahead of him. It takes out nearly ten operatives at a time before
returning
to his grasp. The Wasp darts in and out among the approaching horde,
using
her sting to stun opponents. Suddenly, it's a free-for-all, with the
approach of even more superheroes, morale goes against the attacking
force.
In short, they begin to run. At least those who haven't been
incapacitated
begin to run.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. The mountain face of the soon to be
erupting
volcano. Zan and Jayna in their current alternate forms are approaching
the
top of the mountain.]
ZAN:
up
We're getting pretty close now, Sis.
You better toss me
there and let me seal off the top of the mountain.
JAYNA:
You realise, that this is only a temporary measure, that
eventually, the heat from the lava will weaken you enough
that the lava will be able to break through.
ZAN:
I know, but I don't know what else to do.
got any ideas?
JAYNA:
I was going to look for a way to ease the pressure on the
crater, see if we can keep it from erupting.
ZAN:
Good idea.
Have you
Put me up there now.
[She heaves and Zan flies through the air, landing on the crater--a
perfect
fit.]
ZAN:
hurry,
I sure hope Jayna finds that alternate solution in a
it sure is hot around here.
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. The cockpit of the jet transport. Reed
and Sue Richards sit in the pilot and co-pilot seats, while Hercules and
Thor stand behind them.]
SUE:
Reed, what's that?
REED:
I'm not sure.
HERCULES:
Surely, that is impossible.
in minutes.
REED:
Sue, get some readings on that thing would you?
SUE:
Sure thing. Ah, here we go. It looks like it was placed
relatively recently, like it wasn't there when the volcano
first started getting ready to erupt.
REED:
That is unusual.
It looks like an ice cap.
The lava wouldst melt the ice
Let's get in for a closer look.
[As they dive towards the mountain, all four heroes peer carefully out
the window.]
THOR:
Verily, there appears to be a face on yon ice cap!
SUE:
I see it too, we better get down there and have a look.
[Sue, Thor, and Hercules rush to the back of the jet, while Reed holds it
hovering in position.]
[Scene Change. The top of the volcano, Zan is sweating profusely, and it
seems that the lava might break through at any moment. Hercules and Thor
drop down to the ground, followed by Sue Richards, who slides down on an
invisible force beam.]
ZAN:
volcano?
Hey!
Are you guys here to do something about this
HERCULES:
What manner of witchery is this?
ZAN:
here
My name's Zan, and my twin sister Jayna should be around
somewhere.
A talking mountain?
We were trying to stop the volcano from
erupting,
but we don't seem to be doing very well.
[Just then, Jayna approaches.]
JAYNA:
the
I think I found a spot in the mountain where we could let
lava flow out. It leads right down to an old strip mining
site. There's nothing there to get damaged now.
ZAN:
here.
Good thing, I think the lava's about to break through
JAYNA:
strong
There's a problem, I don't think I could become a form
enough to break through the rock there.
THOR:
Show us the way, Hercules and I should be able to break
through.
SUE:
the
Meanwhile, if you'll move, Zan, I can seal off the top of
mountain with a force sheild that's a lot stronger, and
less
likely to melt.
ZAN:
Jayna?
TWINS:
Wonder Twin Powers...Deactivate!
[In a cheesy cartoon effect, both twins become their normal selves, fists
touched together.]
HERCULES:
Now, show us the way.
[Hercules, Thor, Zan, and Jayna head off toward the spot Jayna referred
to,
while Sue Richards constructs an impenatrable force dome over the top of
the
mountain.]
[Meanwhile.]
[Scene Change.
Things
Exterior Shot.
Outside the Justice League of America.
are not going well for the villains. With the help of the additional
super
heroes, the tide has turned and the heroes are beating back the villains.
It looks like the villains will be retreating soon. On the hovering
craft
which Cobra Commander, etcetera are monitoring from, this conversation is
heard.]
COBRA
COMMANDER:
DESTRO:
of
This is not going well.
No!
We must retreat.
In a moment, the volcano will erupt and send a wall
hot lava hurtling towards the town.
The heroes will have
no
choice but to abandon their efforts here and save the
local
citizenry.
SINESTRO:
to
Destro's right.
These do-gooders will abandon there home
save a single puppy.
DESTRO:
It's pathetic.
We need only hold out for a few more moments.
[Scene Change. The location that Jayna had scouted out earlier. Thor is
hammering away at the ground, and Hercules is moving rocks, but things
are
going slowly.]
THOR:
I wish I had some sort of pick.
ZAN:
Good idea!
TWINS:
Wonder Twin Powers...Activate!
ZAN:
Form of ... an Ice Chisel!
[He transforms in a cheesy effect.
chisel,
but finds it is too heavy.]
JAYNA:
Jayna tries to pick up the huge
Shape of ... a Black Bear!
[She transforms, then picks up the chisel, and hands it to Hercules.
Hercules
accepts the weapon, and holds it, while Thor hammers into it with his
hammer.
Suddenly, larger and larger chunks of the mountain break away.]
[Scene Change. The top of the mountain. Sue Richards is watching as the
lava percolates under her dome. It appears that even her force sheild
will
not hold for much longer.]
SUE:
much
[Talking into a hand communicator.]
Reed, can you see how
longer it will take Thor and the others?
REED:
[Over communicator]
through!
It looks like...yes, they've broken
[The lava level under the dome begins to go down.]
[Scene Change. The location of the draw off point. All four heroes
quickly
dive out of the way, as the lava flows past them into the waiting strip
mine.]
[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. The hovering craft over the battle
outside
the Justice League of America.]
COBRA
COMMANDER:
Where's this volcanic eruption, Destro?
DESTRO:
I don't understand, it should have happened by now.
COBRA
COMMANDER:
You idiot!
We're all doomed, now!
[Cobra Commander lunges for Destro's neck, while they are rolling on the
floor, Moriarity makes an observation.]
MORIARITY:
Gentlemen, perhaps we should make an exit now, before we
are captured with our men.
SINESTRO:
Good idea.
[He goes to the controls, and the hover craft flies off into the
distance.]
[Scene 63. Interior Shot. An office--rather well-decorated in plush
carpetting and wood panels--probably somewhere in London. Behind a desk,
sits a not unattractive woman in a well-made, rather conservative
business
outfit. Across from her, a door opens. A man in a three-piece suit
enters and tosses his hat across the room to a hat rack.]
MONEYPENNY:
[looking up.]
BOND:
Moneypenny!
MONEYPENNY:
her
You big tease.
desk.]
James.
How's my favorite girl?
[James crosses and sits on the corner of
You have lots of other girls.
[James raises an eyebrow and is about to answer when the inner door
opens.
Q pokes his head out.]
Q:
Ah, James, we've been waiting for you.
[Bond bends to kiss Moneypenny's hand. He does, and follows Q into the
inner office. Moneypenny turns and blushes.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. The inner office, if possible, is even
more luxurious. M sits behind a desk. Q crosses to a window, while Bond
toys with a letter opener he picked up off a small table.]
M:
007, How nice of you to come by.
BOND:
Well, you summoned me.
M:
[Interrupting.] Never mind. I suppose you're wondering
why I cut short your holiday.
BOND:
something
Besides the fact that you always do?
I merely...
to do with this World Crime League.
I assume it has
If I'm not mistaken,
you
think SPECTRE is involved.
M:
could
Yes, with Blofeld out of the picture, the organization
have been taken over by anybody.
Q:
links.]
Take these.
Q?
[He opens a case holding six golden cuff
You'll find them useful.
BOND:
What do they do?
Q:
the
These two contain a small explosive charge.
device, then press here and twist.
delay.
BOND:
How big a boom?
Q:
equivalence.
Not very big, I'm afraid.
You attach
It has a thirty second
Just a few kilos of TNT
About enough to open a standard bank safe. Now, these two
contain the parts to a microfilm camera. Note the small
wire
connecting them. This one holds the lens, while this is
the activator switch.
BOND:
Impressive.
Q:
effective
Yes, now these last two are transmitters, with an
range of 200 miles.
You can trace them with the case.
BOND:
Is that all?
Q:
keys.]
No, you'll also take these.
BOND:
Keys?
M:
the
The car is waiting for you downstairs.
[He tosses Bond a set of
You'll drive it to
airbase and take it with you to America.
Arrangements
have
already been made.
BOND:
I take it, that's where you believe the WCL is
headquartered.
M:
A majority of the activity has been centered there.
BOND:
Yes, well, if there's nothing more?
M:
Just one more thing. When you arrive in America, you will
be meeting up with a detective Columbo. A member of their
New York Police Force, Homicide Division. He believes you
are a member of InterPol.
BOND:
You told him this.
M:
him.
No, he rather assumed it.
Very well, that's all.
[M stands.
We saw no need to disillusion
Good Luck, Double O Seven.
James exits, taking the letter opener with him.]
[Scene 64. Interior Shot. Backstage at the Muppet Theater. Kermit is
facing towards the stage to welcome the 'act', which consists of six
chickens in can-can costumes and Gonzo, coming off stage.]
KERMIT:
Lovely, lovely ladies.
Thank you.
You were wonderful.
[The chickens and Gonzo go off to the left.]
KERMIT:
Okay everybody, that's intermission.
[Scooter enters.]
KERMIT:
Scooter, is everything set up for the secret agent sketch?
SCOOTER:
Yes, but...
KERMIT:
Dr. Teeth and the band are ready?
SCOOTER:
Yes, but...
KERMIT:
The special effects guys from ILM are all set up?
SCOOTER:
Yes, but...
KERMIT:
is
Whew.
I was worried that something would go wrong.
This
the most expensive and elaborate sketch we've ever
attempted.
SCOOTER:
I know, but...
KERMIT:
going
When you came running up like that, I thought you were
to tell me something was wrong.
SCOOTER:
I was...
KERMIT:
But you've just assured me that everything's all set. So,
what could possibly go wrong. I must tell you, I feel
much
more at...
SCOOTER:
WILL YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!
KERMIT:
[Looking sheepish.]
SCOOTER:
room...and...
[Breathing heavily.]
Go ahead.
I just went up to Mr. Adams
he...wasn't..there.
KERMIT:
WHAT?!
SCOOTER:
I said, Mr. Adams is not in his room.
KERMIT:
But, he's the centerpiece of the sketch.
we're doomed.
SCOOTER:
I know.
KERMIT:
WHERE IS HE?
SCOOTER:
If I knew that, we wouldn't have a problem.
KERMIT:
Put everyone on alert. We have only eight minutes to find
him and I want all 300 members of the cast and crew
Without him,
looking
for him.
[Kermit rushes off to the right.]
SCOOTER:
[looks at the camera.]
Where am I going to find three
hundred lerts on this short notice.
[Scene change. Exterior Shot. Street corner somewhere in the city.
Maxwell
Smart, Agent 99, and Hymie are meeting under a street light.]
MAX:
Ok, 99, you head up this street.
there. I'll take this street.
Hymie, you search down
99:
But, Max, why are we here?
MAX:
The latest information Control has available says that the
man, um, person, uh, thing that the scientists identified
as Deep Voice was last seen in this area.
99:
Where'd you get this information?
[Max stoops and takes off his shoe. he cracks the heel open to reveal a
panel of buttons. he presses one and a sheet of paper shoots out one
side.]
MAX:
going.
Shoe fax.
[He slips the shoe back on.]
Now, let's get
[They all head off in different directions.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Backstage at the Muppet Theater. The
room
is in chaos. Chickens, gophers, frogs, bears, pigs, dogs, eagles, and
weirdos
race about in a state of panic.]
KERMIT:
Scooter!
[Scooter zooms up.]
SCOOTER:
Yes, boss?
KERMIT:
We've got two minutes left.
SCOOTER:
Sorry, boss, nothing yet.
KERMIT:
bell
Aaaaaaaauuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh!!!!! [Suddenly, the door
rings.]
Any sign of him?
We'll keep looking.
Now what?!
[Kermit goes to the door and opens it.
barrage
of canned applause.]
Maxwell Smart walks in to a
MAX:
Excuse me, I was wondering....
KERMIT:
closes
There you are.
Get in here.
[He hustles Smart in and
the door behind him.]
Scooter, take this man to his
dressing
room and get him ready.
We have...[consults his
watch.]...
ONE MINUTE!
Aaauuuggh!
[Fade to black.]
[Scene 65. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Starship Enterprise, NCC-1701A.
Here are the positions: Helm, Sulu; Navigation, Chekov; Science, Spock;
Communications, Uhura; Conn, Kirk; Behind Kirk, McCoy; Engineering and
Environmental, J. Random Yeoman; Next to Kirk, Steve Austin. All except
Spock are staring in awe at the screen. Spock is, of course, scanning.]
KIRK:
All stop, Mr. Sulu.
SULU:
Aye sir, all stop.
AUSTIN:
What is that thing?
KIRK:
Spock?
SPOCK:
the
Definitely an artificial construction and approximately
[After adjusting his panel.]
size of Earth's moon.
KIRK:
But, what is it?
SPOCK:
The design is of no known configuration.
of the fleet of ships surrounding it.
Neither is that
[A beeping sound is heard.]
CHAPEL:
sickbay!
(on intercom)
Medical Emergency!
Doctor McCoy to
[Bones immediately moves towards the turbolift.]
KIRK:
in
Keep an eye on that fleet, Sulu.
their position immediately.
Notify me of any change
You have the conn.
Spock?
[Kirk and Spock leave the bridge with McCoy.]
AUSTIN:
[As Sulu takes the conn and J. Random Helmsman (not to be
confused with J. Random Yeoman at Environmental) moves to
the helm.] What am I supposed to do?
SULU:
[Shrugs.]
Beats me.
[Scene Change. Interior Shot.
there with an admiral.]
The war room of the Dreck Star.
Karth is
ADMIRAL:
The ship is aboard, sir.
up?
Shall I send the alien commander
KARTH:
Hush! There is another, powerful with the force, in the
system.
ADMIRAL:
Yes, we have confirmation of Skywalker's presence...
KARTH:
I speak not of Skywalker!
ADMIRAL:
Perhaps his sister...
KARTH:
She lacks training! Speak not of such trivialities! No,
this is another. Suddenly, the equations have a random
factor.
[Close on Karth's face.]
[Scene Change. Close-up of Guinan's face. Pull back to reveal Interior
Shot. Spacecraft flight deck of unknown origin. Guinan is flying what
appears to be a rather small ship.]
GUINAN:
Oh, you messed up this time girl. I just hope I can help
fix it. But first, you've got to pull out of that coma.
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Sickbay of the Enterprise. Guinan,
despite
being submerged in the blue glow of a restraining field, thrashes about
on
a bed. Doctor Chapel stands nervously nearby. McCoy rushes in, quickly
followed by Kirk and Spock.]
CHAPEL:
ago.
Doctor, she just started thrashing about a few minutes
I didn't know what to do.
McCOY:
Take it easy, we'll see if we can figure it out.
[He pulls out a tricorder and begins scanning.]
McCOY:
Chapel, 10cc of quadrotriticale extract.
KIRK:
You're going to inject her with wheat?
McCOY:
It seems to act as a tranquilizer on her system.
[He injects her and she begins thrashing about more wildly.]
SPOCK:
Quite an effective tranquilizing agent, Doctor.
McCOY:
Something has changed.
See what's up?
KIRK:
Spock?
I wish I could see into her mind.
SPOCK:
I will make an attempt.
[Unable to touch Guinan do to her movement, Spock attempts the little
known,
long distance mind touch. He strolls to the end of the gurney, clasps
his
hands together, and begins to concentrate.]
[Scene Change. Mists. Nothing but mists and ghostly images. Guinan is
sitting on a cloud bank, aware, but groggy, while Guinan shakes her by
the
shoulders. Spock walks up. Special Note: In this scene, the groggy
Guinan (the one from the future) is referred to as Seated, while the
more aware Guinan (the one from the present) is Standing.]
SPOCK:
Excuse me, may I inquire...
SEATED:
Spock, you look well.
SPOCK:
I am at a loss to understand how you know my name.
STANDING:
Me too.
SEATED:
[Smiling dopily.]
We've met.
*begin simultaneous*
SPOCK:
I do not remember such an occasion.
STANDING:
I don't remember that.
*end simultaneous*
SEATED:
It hasn't happened yet.
STANDING:
Oh, well I seem to trust you.
SPOCK:
I will try.
STANDING:
out.
You're obviously telepathic.
SPOCK:
There is a problem. My telepathic abilities are somewhat
limited. To enter a healing trance, I must touch the
patient. Unfortunately, at the current time, she is
thrashing about wildly on the table, and not responding
to what we thought were sedatives. Can you prevent this.
STANDING:
I will try.
SPOCK:
I shall hasten my return.
Will you help me?
You can help me bring her
[Mists dissolve to Scene Change. Interior Shot. Sickbay on the
Enterprise.
Guinan has stopped her violent action. Spock comes out of his trance.]
KIRK:
Spock!
What's going on in there?
SPOCK:
there.
The situation is quite unusual.
There are two minds in
They both appear to be the patient, but have different
memories.
McCOY:
Split personalities?
SPOCK:
I don't think so. In any case, this is not the time to
discuss such matters. Doctor, please remove the
restraining
field.
McCOY:
Spock, I can't take that risk.
around again?
SPOCK:
her.
I do not think she will.
What if she starts moving
I am going to attempt to revive
Captain, I have the permission of both minds that I spoke
with.
McCOY:
Ok, Spock.
Go ahead.
[He switches off the restraining field, and Spock moves to touch Guinan's
face.]
SPOCK:
mine...
Two minds...sharing thoughts...reach out your mind to
like sands in the hourglass...so are the days of our
lives...
rise out of slumber...wake up...don't be lost when your
time
comes...rise up...get down...get funky...boogie
down...awaken
to the light...come with us...come...wake...wake...wake...
wake...wake...
[His voice fades out, and he pulls up out of the mind meld. Slowly,
Guinan
wakes up too. McCoy bends to examine her. A beeping sound is heard.]
KYLE:
[Over intercom.]
KIRK:
Kirk here.
KYLE:
to
[Over intercom.]
Transporter room to Captain Kirk.
Captain, I think you should get up here
Transporter Room Three.
The circuits are activating, and
I
haven't done anything.
KIRK:
On my way.
Kirk out.
Spock, come with me.
[They rush out of the Sickbay.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Transporter Room Three. Kyle stands
behind
the console, and the chiming of the transporter can be heard. Kirk and
Spock rush in, just as Guinan appears on the transporter pad.]
GUINAN:
Hello, Spock.
I assume this is the Captain.
KIRK:
who
I am Captain James T. Kirk, of the Starship Enterprise,
are you?
GUINAN:
I am Guinan, I believe you have me in sickbay.
KIRK:
What?
SPOCK:
I believe, Captain, she is referring to the Jane Doe.
KIRK:
Oh, she's a friend of yours?
GUINAN:
her
She is me.
It will take a while to explain.
May I see
now?
[She steps off the transporter pad and walks towards sickbay, somehow
knowing
exactly how to get there. Kirk looking confused, and Spock follow her.]
[Fade.]
[Scene 66. Interior Shot. The lobby of a bank as seen from above
(possibly
a security camera). The view will remain at this odd angle until Scene
Change, then, director can resume normal practices. Life seems to be
going
along normally, until suddenly, the glass of the front wall explodes
inward.
One security guard is knocked to the floor. The other guard, stationed
near
the tellers, draws his gun and is immediately shot with a laser blast.
Six
robots from Latveria and four rock warriors from Dimension X enter,
heavily
armed and feeling violent. One robot orderas everyone to the ground
while
two others shoot at the ceiling. Eventually, one aims directly at the
camera and fires.
Static.
Erratic Scene Change. Interior Shot. The same bank lobby, but from a
different, more normal, perspective. The same robots and Rock warriors
hold everybody hostage. One of the robots opens a canister and releases
a green cloud of gas into the lobby. Everyone, except the robots and
warriors falls unconscious. A very fat, bald man in a white suit and
wearing a gas mask enters. He is holding a cigar, which is kind of silly
since the gas is still in the air, and the mask is in the way. When the
gas finally dissipates, he pulls off the mask, bites off the end of his
cigar, lights it from a match he pulls out of his pocket, and tosses the
matchbook behind him. He calls out the window.]
KINGPIN:
Ok, boys, load up.
[Ten syndicate goons enter and rush to open the open vault. They quickly
load all the money into bags and disappear out the window. The Kingpin
stamps out his cigar, signals and exits, followed by the robots and Rock
warriors.]
[Fade to black.]
[Scene 67. Exterior Shot. The Government Jet Testing Range at White
Sands, New Mexico. It is somewhat cleaner now, most of the wreckage
has been cleared away, although, a few technicians are still about. Sam
Beckett and Gary Seven walk towards the collection of trailers. Keeping
pace with them is Roberta Lincoln in a mini-skirt, tye-dyed, low-cut
blouse,
head band, necklace of beads, and other trappings of the sixties hippy.
Keeping pace with her is Rear Admiral Albert Calavicci, leering.]
GARY:
What happened here?
SAM:
An expiremental jet crashed a couple of days ago.
GARY:
How's the pilot?
SAM:
Uh, missing.
GARY:
Missing?!
SAM:
sign
Technicians have been combing the wreckage for even one
of the pilot.
So far, nothing.
GARY:
Could he have ejected?
SAM:
No, we found the eject mechanism with the rest of the
wreckage.
GARY:
That is unusual, but we're getting...side...track...
[Sam and Gary look into the distance and see five figures approaching
them.
As they move close, their leader, introduces himself. Sort of.]
DOCTOR:
Pretty
Hello, you must be one of my fellow time travellers.
rude way of going about it, stealing other people's lives,
don't you think?
SAM:
Excuse me, who, who are you?
DOCTOR:
Oh, terribly sorry. This is Lady Romanadveratrelundar,
Leela, Adric, and, of course, K-9. [As he speaks each
of their names, the Companions nod in acknowledgement.]
They're my Companions, and I'm the Doctor.
[At this revelation, Al gets visibly excited. He begins punching
buttons on the ComLink and runs up in front of Sam.]
AL:
Sam! Ziggy says there's a 99.44% probability that this is
the doctor you're supposed to help.
DOCTOR:
[Turns to face Al.] There's no need to talk about me in
the third person. I'm right here. [Turning to Sam.]
However, I take it this means, Sam, that I can count on
your help?
SAM:
Um, yeah, sure.
DOCTOR:
Good. Not having to convince you will help. It will save
time, which is a commodity of which we have very little at
the moment.
GARY:
Mr. Goldman, what is going on here?
SAM:
I'm not quite sure. I am sure that there are some things
we all need to get out in the open.
DOCTOR:
Excuse me, we most move aside.
About four meters.
[He and the Companions move aside.]
SAM:
What?
DOCTOR:
Get over here, now!
[Sam, Gary, and Roberta move over near the Doctor, just as there is a
flash of white light and the time travelling Plymouth Volare' appears,
drives through Al's hologram, and skids to a halt a few hundred yards
away.]
SAM:
Oh, boy.
[Scene 68. Interior Shot. The Command Center of War Rocket Ajax. Two
rows
of drones montior banks of computer terminals. A few officers in Mongo
Military Gear stride about. A beeping sound is heard.]
J. RANDOM
OFFICER:
Admiral Rooney, incoming message from Agent Warlock.
ROONEY:
Let's have it.
[The officer gestures with his left hand, the nearest drone makes some
adjustments, and the head of 'Harry' appears on the screen.]
ROONEY:
What have you to report?
WARLOCK:
There is a problem.
ROONEY:
That is unsatisfactory!
WARLOCK:
perhaps 'problem' is too strong a word.
accurate.
ROONEY:
What is it?
WARLOCK:
The party we have joined with is missing two droids.
will not go on until they are found.
ROONEY:
Semtimental fools.
WARLOCK:
Gordon, Zarkov, and Evans will not. They have this
overdeveloped sense of decency. Our only hope is to find
the droids, quickly.
ROONEY:
Have you scanned them yet?
WARLOCK:
Yes.
ROONEY:
Transmit the data to me, we'll see what we can do.
WARLOCK:
Transmitting.
ROONEY:
[After a few moments.]
assignment.
Ming will not tolerate failure.
'Delay' is more
They
Leave them.
We have it.
Now, get back to your
[He switches off the screen.]
J. RANDOM
OFFICER:
ROONEY:
This will be difficult.
can duplicate this.
I do not think our technology
Then we must locate them immediately.
Get to work!
[Scene 69. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Battlestar Galactica. Much
of it still looks like an Italian Bistro. Many of the generic officers
have nervous looks on thier faces. From the sounds the engines are
making, it seems clear that they are moving through space very, very
fast.]
STARBUCK:
What's going on?
SLARTIBARTFAST:I'm not quite sure.
STARBUCK:
What do you mean you're not sure!?
GMO:
Commander Adama, the Council of the twelve wishes to speak
with you.
ADAMA:
Hang the council!
emergency?!
GMO:
I believe that is why they are calling.
GFO:
Cylons approaching!
ADAMA:
What?
GFO:
I don't know, they shouldn't be able to keep this speed.
ADAMA:
thing,
[Whirling on Slartibartfast.]
Don't they realize we're having an
How can that be?
This Bistromathic Field
how big is it?
SLARTIBARTFAST:I don't know.
ship
before.
ADAMA:
I've never tried extending it beyond one
Could it have enveloped the Cylon Basestar, as well as our
fleet?
SLARTIBARTFAST:Possibly.
ADAMA:
Red Alert! All hands to battlestations!
to your ships. Blast shields up!
Viper fighters
SLARTIBARTFAST:Be careful not to leave the Bistromathic Field.
APOLLO:
Why?
What would happen?
SLARTIBARTFAST:You would immediately leave Bistrospace and enter real
space.
The forces would tear your tiny ship apart at the seams.
Cosmic dust would pummel it at high velocity and your
brain
would melt like a cube of Quaalactin Megagin. From there,
things would go downhill...
STARBUCK:
How do we know where the field ends?
SLARTIBARTFAST:Hand me that roll. [Starbuck looks at him, confused.]
Now! [Starbuck complies. Slartibartfast begins
conducting a weird ritual, dunking the roll in wine,
breaking it open, hollowing it out, etc... He ends
by splashing the wine on the robowaiter and tossing the
roll to Moffett. The waiter looks around hesitantly
for a towel.] The perimeter of the field is now colored
red.
APOLLO:
Right, let's go.
[Apollo and Starbuck rush out.]
[Scene 70. Interior Shot. The World Crime League's board room. Begin
focused on the octopus design on the back of Deep Voice's chair (yes,
I've
never mentioned the symbol before, and yes, it does imply what you might
think -- thanks to Loren for the input -- so if you're upset, deal.). As
the conversation continues, view expands to show that Deep Voice is
talking
with someone on a viewscreen. It appears to be Davros.]
DAVROS:
We would find it easier to trust you, if you did not
scramble the video output in your transmissions to us.
VOICE:
Davros, you don't seriously expect me to believe you'd
trust me if I showed you my face? You don't trust anyone
but yourself and those pepperpot creations of yours, and
I'd lay odds that you don't even trust them. For right
now, I require that my identity be unknown.
DAVROS:
yours?
What makes you think I'll go along with this plan of
VOICE:
to
You already have.
I've got the proof.
Now, all you need
do is send a Dalek ship, with the structural modifications
that I've discussed with you.
DAVROS:
force.
OK, the ship is on the way, how soon can we invade in
VOICE:
I will send word.
Good day.
[He presses a button on the side of the chair and the screen goes blank.
A
beeping sound is heard, Voice presses another button, and Jabba the Hut
appears on the screen. C3-PO stands beside him, ready to translate.
Behind
him, is a party.]
VOICE:
JABBA*:
Ah, the irrepressible Jabba.
When will I get Solo and the Wookie?
(* Author's Note:
Hutese.)
VOICE:
What can I do for you?
Again, all of Jabba's dialogue is translated from
Jabba, things are going according to plan, however, we
cannot rush things. YOu must have patience.
[This angers Jabba, he throws his arms wide and knocks C3-PO aside.]
JABBA:
Do not toak to me about patience. I've waited this long
to recapture Solo, I can wait a little longer. Soon,
though,
I will send out my own operatives.
VOICE:
Fair enough.
Out.
[He blanks the screen.]
[Fade to black.]
-All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes
right.
Copyright 1992 Creative Insights, a subsidiary of Minion Media,
International
Distributed September 1992 by Minion Press, a subsidiary of MMI
DeityCo et al are subsidiaries of Virtual Enterprises, GmbH
(Don't worry, we can't pronounce it either.)
All groups mentioned in this .signature are pseudo-real groups (I believe
in them anyway), owned by Derek Bacon. They automatically transfer all
rights and priveleges to him. Ecce Homo Ergo Elk. Therefore, the
copyright on this work belongs to Derek Bacon. Thank you.
Comments, Questions, Death Threats, Marraige Proposals to
lightnin@wpi.wpi.edu