THE CONTENTS
THE CONTENTS ....................................................................................................................... i
LISTENING ............................................................................................................................... 1
WHAT IS LISTENING? ........................................................................................................ 1
LISTENING VERSUS HEARING ........................................................................................ 1
WHAT AFFECTS LISTENING? .......................................................................................... 2
ADVANCED EMPATHY ..................................................................................................... 2
EMPATHY AND LISTENING SKILLS .............................................................................. 2
EMPATHIZING..................................................................................................................... 3
ACTIVE OR EMPATHIC LISTENING ........................................................................... 4
ACTIVE LISTENING ........................................................................................................... 5
WHAT IS ACTIVE LISTENING? ........................................................................................ 5
WHY LISTEN ACTIVELY? ................................................................................................. 6
IMPORTANCE OF ACTIVE LISTENING .......................................................................... 7
KEY CONCEPTS OF ACTIVE LISTENING ....................................................................... 7
BENEFITS OF ACTIVE LISTENING .................................................................................. 8
ACTIVE LISTENING (4 STEPS) ......................................................................................... 8
STEP 1:LISTEN ................................................................................................................. 9
STEP 2:QUESTION ........................................................................................................ 11
STEP 3: REFLECT-PARAPHRASE ............................................................................... 13
STEP 4: AGREE ............................................................................................................. 15
BARRIERS TO ACTIVE LISTENING .............................................................................. 15
CHARACTERISTICS OF A GOOD ACTIVE LISTENER ............................................... 17
ACTIVE LISTENING AND NEGOTIATION ....................................................................... 19
CONCLUSION ........................................................................................................................ 20
REFERENCES ......................................................................................................................... 21
i
LISTENING
WHAT IS LISTENING?
If you ask a group of people to give a one word description of listening, some would
say hearing; however, hearing is physical. Listening is following and understanding the
sound---it is hearing with a purpose. In the other word, listening is the process of receiving,
constructing meaning from, and responding to spoken and/or nonverbal messages; to hear
something with thoughtful attention.
Listening is the absorption of the meanings of words and sentences by the brain. Listening
leads to the understanding of facts and ideas. But listening takes attention, or sticking to the
task at hand in spite of distractions. It requires concentration, which is the focusing of your
thoughts upon one particular problem.
LISTENING VERSUS HEARING
To better understanding how and why the listening process can be, at times, so ineffective,
you should know that listening and hearing are not the same. Instead, hearing is actually just
one stage of listening, which occurs when your ears pick up sound waves and transmit these
waves to your brain. On the ather hand, listening is a whole communication process. By
understanding of process and utilizing the right tools, you can improve your listening skills,
ensuring you do more than just hear the words.
• Hearing- physical process; natural; passive
•
Listening- physical & mental process; active; learned process; a skill
As we said, listening is not the same as hearing. Listening is a conscious activity based on
three basic skills: attitude, attention, and adjustment.
Maintain a constructive Attitude
A positive attitude paves the way for open-mindedness. Don't assume from the outset that
a meeting is going to be dull. And even if the speaker makes statements you don't agree with,
don't decide he or she is automatically wrong. Don't let reactive interference prevent you from
recalling the speaker's key points.
Strive to pay Attention
You cannot attain concentration by concentrating on the act of concentration. Your
attention must focus on the meeting. When you hear a statement, the words enter your shortterm memory, where they have to be swiftly processed into ideas. If they aren't processed,
then they will be dumped from short-term memory and will be gone forever. Attentive
listening makes sure the ideas are processed.
Cultivate a capacity for Adjustment
Although some speakers clearly indicate what they intend to cover in their subject, you
need to be flexible enough to follow a speaking regardless of the direction it may take. If,
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however, you are thoroughly lost, or if the speaker's message is not coming across and you
need to ask a clarifying question, do so.
WHAT AFFECTS LISTENING?
What do you think of the subject matter?
Is it new or have you a lot of experience with it?
Will it be difficult to understand, or simple?
Is it important to you, or just fun?
Is the speaker experienced or nervous?
What are the non-verbal cues of the speaker?
What frame of mind is he or she?
How personable, threatening, intelligent, etc.?
Is the space conducive to listening?
or to interaction or exchange with the speaker?
Are there avoidable distractions?
Is the message illustrated with
with visuals or examples?
Is technology used effectively?
Are concepts introduced incrementally, or with examples?
ADVANCED EMPATHY
What is it: reflection of content and feeling at a deeper level.
Purpose: To try and get an understanding of what may be deeper feelings
e.g.
I get the sense that you are really angry about what was said, but I am wondering if you
also feel a little hurt by it.
You said that you feel more confident about contacting employers, but I wonder if you
also still feel a bit scared.
Since empathy involves understanding the emotions of other people, the way it is
characterised is derivative of the way emotions themselves are characterised. If for example,
emotions are taken to be centrally characterised by bodily feelings, then grasping the bodily
feelings of another will be central to empathy. On the other hand, if emotions are more
centrally characterised by combinations of beliefs and desires, then grasping these beliefs and
desires will be more essential to empathy
EMPATHY AND LISTENING SKILLS
The use of empathy and listening skills sometimes leads to good relationships and
emotional intimacy. The combination of empathy and listening skills is also known as
"empathic listening."
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Here's an example of how empathic listening differs from another type of listening:
I'm listening to a computer instructor explain how to use a new word processing program. She
is delivering her explanation with enthusiasm.
One type of listening focuses on understanding the program in order to learn how to use
it. While listening I might be having thoughts such as:



This new version doesn't differ much from the previous one.
I don't understand the new way of formatting a page.
I have many questions to ask during the question period.
Another type of listening, empathic listening, focuses on understanding the instructor's
enthusiasm in order to learn something about her. While listening I might be having thoughts
such as:



She certainly enjoys teaching this word processing program.
I think she would enjoy teaching any subject.
She seems very impressed with the usefulness of this new version.
To summarize the difference between the purpose of the two types of listening:
understanding the information the instructor is presenting as compared with understanding the
meaning to her of presenting the information. The "meaning" to her would consist of items
such as:



her feelings about teaching
the importance to her of teaching this particular program
her evaluation of the program
One type of listening focuses on the program and the other focuses on her. Another term
for "focuses on her" is "listens to empathize."
EMPATHIZING
Empathizing means that you have the ability to put yourself in your partner.. To
empathize you must ignore your own, adult perception of the situation for the moment and
accept your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and ideas of the situation as yours. See it through
your partner's eyes--during your discussion.
Empathizing does not mean you need to agree with your partner.
Empathizing does not mean you need to give in to your partner, or allow her or
him to set her or his own rules to avoid confrontation.
Empathizing means you do not dismiss what your partner says as ridiculous or
silly. Your acceptance of your partner's thoughts, ideas, and feelings increase the chance that
your partner will talk to you about the problems and issues that he or she is facing.
It is easy to know when you are being empathic because:
1. Your body language and tone match
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2. Your tone and your feelings match
3. You are focused on what your partner is saying and meaning You are trying to see things
from your partner's point of view which requires that:

You do not impose your feelings, thoughts, and ideas throughout the
conversation
 You refrain from immediately giving advice
 You are tired after listening because it takes a great deal of energy
 You ask yourself if you would make that same statement to an adult. If
not then think twice about making it.
ACTIVE OR EMPATHIC LISTENING
Active or empathic listening stresses putting one's self in another's place. The goal is
to effectively understand and accurately interpret another's meanings. The authors identify
three problems with this sort of approach.
First, we cannot actually get inside another's mind or occupy their perspective. Nor
can we actually set aside our own perspective. Second, paraphrasing under this approach can
become a mere parroting back of the other's words, which tends to frustrate the other person.
Third, these approaches focus each participant's attention on the other's internal psychological
state, rather than focusing on the joint process and interaction of communication
Listening is an active process that has three basic steps.
1. Hearing: Hearing just means listening enough to catch what the speaker is saying. For
example, say you were listening to a report on zebras, and the speaker mentioned that
no two are alike. If you can repeat the fact, then you have heard what has been said.
2. Understanding: The next part of listening happens when you take what you have
heard and understand it in your own way. Let's go back to that report on zebras. When
you hear that no two are alike, think about what that might mean. You might think,
"Maybe this means that the pattern of stripes is different for each zebra."
3. Judging: After you are sure you understand what the speaker has said, think about
whether it makes sense. Do you believe what you have heard? You might think, "How
could the stripes to be different for every zebra? But then again, the fingerprints are
different for every person. I think this seems believable."
Listening is needed everywhere
 Listening skills form the basis of:
 Continued learning
 Teamwork skills
 Management skills
 Negotiation skills
 Emotional intelligence
But not practiced effectively
 70% of all communication is
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




Misunderstood
Misinterpreted
Rejected
Distorted
Not heard
Most communication experts agree that poor listening skills are the biggest
contributors to poor communication. There are four basic types of listening. Which one do
you think most people practice?
1. Inactive listening. The definition of this is the old adage, “In one ear and out the
other.” You hear the words, but your mind is wandering and no communication is taking
place.
2. Selective listening. You hear only what you want to hear. You hear some of the
message and immediately begin to formulate your reply or second guess the speaker without
waiting for the speaker to finish.
3. Active listening. You listen closely to content and intent. What emotional meaning
might the speaker be giving you? You try to block out barriers to listening. Most importantly,
you are non-judgmental and empathetic.
4. Reflective Listening. This is active listening when you also work to clarify what
the speaker is saying and make sure there is mutual understanding.
ACTIVE LISTENING
Hearing is a physical act of the ear. It is involuntary and done unconsciously.
Listening is a conscious activity that takes active participation from the listener to achieve.
Active listening is a learned communication technique, as most communication skills are. To
become an active listener takes patience and practice.
Good listening skills are important, both in the workplace and in day-to-day living. In
today's workplace good listening skills are considered to be one of the most important
managerial skills - an interesting concept when you consider that listening skills aren't usually
taught in the educational system.
Did You Know?
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listening.
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of us believe that being heard is more important than listening to another
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also listen actively.
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-verbal.
WHAT IS ACTIVE LISTENING?
Active listening is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves
mutual understanding. Often when people talk to each other, they don’t listen attentively.
They are often distracted, half listening, half thinking about something else. Individuals in
conflict often contradict one another. This has the effect of denying the validity of the other
person’s position. This can make one defensive, and they may either lash out, or withdraw.
On the other hand, if one finds that the other partly understands, an atmosphere of cooperation
can be created. This increases the possibility of collaborating and resolving the conflict.
5
Active listening is a structured form of listening and responding that focuses the
attention on the speaker. The listener must take care to attend to the speaker fully, and then
repeats, in the listener’s own words, what he or she thinks the speaker has said. The listener
does not have to agree with the speaker--he or she must simply state what they think the
speaker said. This enables the speaker to find out whether the listener really understood. If the
listener did not, the speaker can explain some more.
This type of listening is called active because it requires certain behaviors of the
listener. These behaviors include listening carefully, not interrupting, using words and body
language (like eye contact and sitting forward) to convey a genuine attempt to understand
what the other person is saying.
And in other description, the active listening is giving undivided attention to a speaker
in a genuine effort to understand the speaker's point of view.
Active listening, is catalytic in the sense that it provides the conditions for the speaker
to reveal important information and achieve the goals of the dialogue. Active listening sends a
message of willingness to listen.
Active listening is used in a wide variety of situations, including interviews in
employment, counseling and journalistic settings. In groups it may aid in reaching consensus.
It may also be used in casual conversation to build understanding.
The benefits of active listening include getting people to open up, avoiding
misunderstandings, resolving conflict and building trust.
In active listening:

You listen with an “open mind.”

You take responsibility for your own learning and tell your brain to ”pay
attention.”

You relate to and find examples for what is said to your own life experiences.

You compare and contrast ideas that are stated to things you already know.

You silently work at challenging, questioning, wondering about, and
understanding what is being said.

You ask a question when you don’t understand or when you want to know
more.
Active listening;
•
It’s a communication skill that involves both the speaker and the receiver.
•
In active listening, the receiver tries to understand what feelings, thoughts, &
beliefs are being communicated and accepts it as the person’s own.
•
The listener feeds back only what they believe the sender’s message meant nothing more, nothing less. It involves feedback (verbal and nın-verbal) and verification that
the receiver correctly understood the senders message.
•
The active listener avoids getting stuck in another person’s “helpless” feelings.
Active Listening means that you seeking to understand. You make sure that you are
getting the correct message without passing judgment.
Active listeners can be detected from their body language – e.g. leaning toward the
speaker, nodding, and making eye contact. Active listeners may increase their pulse rate and
even perspire. They may tire easily.
WHY LISTEN ACTIVELY?
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actively focus on listening so that your mind doesn’t wander.
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een people, and prevent misunderstandings that
can lead to conflict, frustration or hurt feelings.
6
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and fascinating!
IMPORTANCE OF ACTIVE LISTENING
The process of communication requires not only effective speaking, but active
listening, with purpose and intent. Only by combining active listening with effective speaking
is it possible to gain understanding and promote open communication.
Active listening involves more than hearing the words someone says. It takes effort to
understand the ideas and feelings that another person is trying to communicate. Active
listening means paying attention to a person’s words and body language (facial expressions,
eye contact, posture, voice tone, and gestures). If the listener lacks interest, has a closed mind,
becomes distracted, or interprets the message incorrectly, the communication is ineffective.
The listener and the sender are equally responsible for effective communication.
Think of a time when you felt that someone was not really listening to you. What let
you know that the other person was not listening, and how did that make you feel?
Reflecting on your own experiences may help you understand the importance of active
listening. Trying to communicate with someone who is not listening attentively can be
frustrating and unproductive, and can lead to misunderstanding, conflict, or impaired job
performance.
Active listening is important because it can help you understand other people. This can
make you more successful in the workplace and help you have better relationships with
friends and family. When other people feel you really listen to them, they can be much easier
to deal with because they feel you understand their position
Active listening is important because:
> it is the best way to get good-quality information
> it makes you feel good – you have the full attention of another person
> it stimulates openness and creativity; easy to formulate own ideas and opinions
> you feel respected and valued, personally and professionally.
The Main Goals to Active Listening
•
•
Maximize your understanding of the other’s perspective
Minimize their defensiveness (and your own, too)
KEY CONCEPTS OF ACTIVE LISTENING
Listening can mean simply hearing what was said. Active listening is a learned
behavior that requires skill and practice.
These suggestions can promote active listening:
1. Display involvement in what the person is saying. Show interest verbally by
encouraging the speaker to say what is on her mind. Show interest nonverbally by focusing on
the person who is speaking. Use body posture that shows that the person has your full
attention (e.g., lean forward in the chair with hands in your lap; don’t lean back in the chair
with arms crossed over your chest).
2. Carefully observe the person speaking. Observe his words and body language to
learn more about how he feels about the situation he is describing.
3. Resist distractions. Stay focused on the conversation and avoid doing anything else
(answering the phone, starting another conversation) other than listening to what is being said.
4. Try to stay focused on what is being said. Notice the speaker’s behavior (e.g., nervousness
or anger during the conversation), but work at not being distracted by it.
5. Ask for clarification of anything that you do not fully understand. Ask questions
regarding meaning or intent. Restate or paraphrase what the other person said.
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6. Avoid making judgments about what is said. Expressing personal views or biases
can cloud the communication.
Active listeners speak 30% of the time and listen 70% of the time. Sometimes, we
have to try hard not to interrupt – the only acceptable reason is to clarify or confirm what has
been said.
Why is active listening difficult?
A number of feelings and circumstances can get in the way of active listening and
make it difficult:

When people are preoccupied with current life stresses or difficult situations, it
is hard for them to listen.

Anxiety can make it hard to listen. For example, children who are anxious at
school often have a difficult time learning.

Being angry at the person who is talking also makes it hard to listen, especially
if the person is blaming you or talking about something he or she feels is your fault.

Having an idea in mind of what a person "should" do makes it hard to listen to
that person's point of view. This is particularly true if the feelings he or she is expressing do
not seem logical to you.
When to Use Active Listening
Inappropriate
·
Routine interactions
·
Physical emergencies
Appropriate
·
Organizational Crises
·
Conflict situations
·
Giving and receiving feedback
·
Brainstorming, problem solving
·
Seeking peers’ cooperation
BENEFITS OF ACTIVE LISTENING
Active listening has several benefits. First, it forces people to listen attentively to
others. Second, it avoids misunderstandings, as people have to confirm that they do really
understand what another person has said. Third, it tends to open people up, to get them to say
more. When people are in conflict, they often contradict each other, denying the opponent’s
description of a situation. This tends to make people defensive, and they will either lash out,
or withdraw and say nothing more. However, if they feel that their opponent is really attuned
to their concerns and wants to listen, they are likely to explain in detail what they feel and
why. If both parties to a conflict do this, the chances of being able to develop a solution to
their mutual problem becomes much greater. And the other benefits are:

Shows empathy

Builds relationships
ACTIVE LISTENING (4 STEPS)
Have you had the experience of really needing to talk with someone - needing them to
listen, support, understand - and coming away feeling confused, angry, sad, disillusioned: in
short, feeling worse than you did before talking with that person? Consider the following:
"Nothing feels so good as being understood, not evaluated or judged. When I try to
share some feeling aspect of myself and my communication is met with evaluation,
8
reassurance, distortion of my meaning, I know what it is to be alone." (Carl Rogers,
psychologist)
Listening is hard work! Active listening is more than just skill; it's also a matter of
attitude.
Active listening has four steps:
1. Listen
2. Question
3. Reflect-Paraphrase
4. Agree
STEP 1:LISTEN
•
To Feelings As Well As Words
–
Words – Emotions -- Implications
•
Focus on Speaker
–
Don’t plan, speak, or get distracted
•
What Is Speaker Talking About?
–
Topic? Speaker? Listener? Others?
•
Look At Speaker
•
Use Verbal & Non-Verbal Encouragers
As the speaker talks, listen for the main ideas. Look for feelings and pay attention to
the speaker’s body language. Do not interrupt the speaker. Simply listen empathically with the
goal of fully understanding what the speaker is saying. Try to set aside your own feelings and
opinions.
Opening door to good conversation shows an interest…. But it must be done sincerely,
without judgment.
As we indicated above, the listen step has the active listening techniques which are
verbal&non-verbal encourages and non-verbal behavior.
1.Encouragement
•
The purpose is to convey interest and to keep the person talking.
•
The simplest technique is encouraging someone to continue.
•
Concentrate attention upon the speaker
•
To do this don’t agree or disagree. Use noncommittal words in a positive tone
of voice. Use neutral words.
•
Use varying voice intonations
"Can you tell me more.
“I see…” “uh-huh…” “That’s interesting” “What did you say then?” “What did he
say when you said that?” “Right” “Okay” “Sure” “Yeah” “Yes” “Wow” “Really?”
•
You may simply repeat one or two words of the person's previous statement.
Example of Encouraging:
Speaker: "I feel uneasy about eating this food." Encouraging: "uneasy?" or "hmmm..."
•
Be aware of your body language!
2.Non-Verbal Behavior
Use nonverbal behaviors to raise the channel of interpersonal communication.
Nonverbal communication is facial expressions like smiles, gestures, eye contact, and even
your posture. This shows the person you are communicating with that you are indeed listening
actively and will prompt further communications while keeping costly, time-consuming
misunderstandings at a minimum.
Non-Verbal Active Listening Techniques:
(1) Maintaining appropriate eye contact with the interviewee.
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(2) Occasionally nodding affirmatively to display understanding and interest.
(3) Using expectant pauses to indicate to the interviewee that more is expected.
Non-verbal communication (NVC), sometimes referred to as ‘body language:
NVC, which can be either intentional or unintentional, is more likely to be believed
than the spoken word.
.. .... Words alone are often not enough to communicate all that we want to say.
.. .... NVC is used as an aid to speech or to replace it altogether.
.. .... NVC provides information about the emotional state and attitudes of a speaker or
listener.
.. .... First impressions of people are often related to NVC.
.. .... NVC is often an indicator of whether a situation is formal or informal.
.. .... Successful speaking and listening depends on feedback, and this is a major use of
NVC.
The various forms of NVC that we all use:
.. .... touch – greetings, farewells, relationships
.. .... sound – volume, tone, stress, accent,
.. .... timing and speed of delivery of speech
.. .... smell – controlled (e.g. perfumes)
.. .... proximity – distance between people, personal territory
.. .... posture – the way someone stands or sits; the position of arms, legs, back and
shoulders
.. .... dress – clothes, hair and appearance are controlled
.. .... eye contact – indicates attention and regulates conversations
.. .... gestures – to aid or replace the spoken word; some are universal, some are
peculiar to certain cultures
.. .... facial expressions – express emotions and provide feedback during conversations.
.. …. use of silence
Nonverbal attending is physically signaling that you are listening. The use of
nonverbal attending:
• Sets a comfortable tone
• Encourages the speaker to keep talking
• Demonstrates your concern & interest
• Signals to the speaker that you are interested in what they have to say and that
you are following the conversation.
Examples:
• Maintaining eye contact
• Leaning slightly forward
• Allowing pauses
• Raising eyebrows
• Smiling
• Nodding
Communication through Eyes

Nonverbal communication is always revealed through the eyes.

Normal eye contact means communication is open.

Looking down indicates rejection.

Avoiding eye contact suggests that the person is not comfortable with the
conversation’s topic or the other person.

Stares can indicate dislike.

A person may be sincere if the eyes move upward when discussing stories
about the past. Eyes move upward to retrieve information.
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
However, if the eyes move side to side when recalling information, the person
is likely to be lying.
Non-verbal attending assists you in staying focused on what is being said so that you
don’t risk missing key points. It’s physically telling your mind - don’t wander – this is
important – stay tuned.
STEP 2:QUESTION
•
3 Purposes
Demonstrates you are listening
Gather information
Clarification
•
Open-ended
–
Tell me more?
–
How did you feel?
–
Then what happened?
The Question step is the process of bringing vague material into sharper focus.
e.g.
I’m confused, let me try to sate what I think you were trying to say.
You’ve said so much, let me see if I’ve got it all
You can ask questions until you are both confident that you have understood. Since
your goal is to understand what is being said, you may need to get more historical information
to accomplish that objective. Doing this also let's the other know that you are truly interested
in understanding him/her. Active listening questions are non-leading and non-judgmental.
When you asked some questions:
–
Show interest
(I’d like to hear your opinion on this.”
–
Encourage more explanation
(What do you think the problem is?)
–
Keep the person talking
(Tell me more…)
–
Ask questions but not too many
There are several types of questions that are useful in clarifying your understanding of
your partner's experience. They are YES/NO QUESTIONS, OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS,
PROBING OR FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS and LEADING QUESTIONS. But the openended questions are best:
–
–
–
1.YES/NO QUESTIONS (Closed questions):
This type of question involves asking a question that requires only a "YES" or "NO"
response. If you use this type of question, you can expect to get a very short answer. It will
NOT encourage your partner to elaborate although sometimes he/she may do so anyway.
Once you have used this kind of question, you may want to follow it up with an open-ended
question.
Closed Questions
•
Pros: Useful when answers require little or no explanation, saves time, and
makes it easy to tabulate results.
•
Cons: Limits information that can be obtained, makes it easy to lie, can make
people feel like they are on witness stand.
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2.OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS:
This type of question DOES NOT seek a "YES" or "NO" response. Instead, it elicits
more information from the speaker. Open-ended questions begin with words like “Tell me
about…Why…How…Describe…Explain. This type of question might include:
What happened?
What else happened?
What do you mean by __________?
How did you feel when that happened?
What did you like/dislike about what happened?
“Can you tell me more about…?”
“What did you mean when you said…?”
Your choice of which questions to use will depend on the situation.
Open-ended questions, suggesting areas for exploration without anticipating specific
content of the speaker’s response. The cycle-of-experience model provides areas for openended questions:
Observation: "What happened?"
Meaning: "What do you mean?"
Affect: "How do you feel?"
Motive: "What do you want?"
Action: "What will you do?"
•
Pros: Useful when you’re not sure of what information you need or if you want
to know how someone feels about an issue.
•
Cons: Can take a lot of time and require ore note taking, more difficult to
control, and interviewee may not be sure what you want.
Limit why-questions to inquiries about meaning: "Why do you believe that?" Whyquestions about other areas of experience may seem challenging, for example, "Why won’t
you do that?" or they may not be readily answerable, for example, "Why are you depressed?"
(To which people may answer, "I don’t know.") Another type of open-ended question which
may not be productive is the ritual question. Ritual question, like "How are you?" may signal
that you are being polite, and people are inclined to respond in a superficial way.
3.PROBING/FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS
•
Asking another question to clarify or obtain further information about a
interviewee’s response.
•
Pros: Useful when the interviewee provides inadequate answers, stimulates
discussion, and can be used to resolve inconsistencies.
•
Cons: Can make interviewee become overly defensive.
4.LEADING QUESTIONS
•
Phrased to indicate a preferred response.
•
“You don’t still use that process, do you?”
•
Indicates the auditor asking the question isn’t objective.
Benefits of questions:
•
OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
–
Provides additional information.
–
Probes for deeper understanding.
–
Encourages the speaker to open up
–
Allows the speaker to expand on the subject in a free-ranging, comprehensive
way.
–
Lets the speaker know that his/her thinking matters to you
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–
–
Loosens up quiet or reticent people
• Helps vent anger or negative emotions
•
CLOSED QUESTIONS
–
Focus discussion.
Other Questioning Tips
•
Avoid asking multiple questions at once.
•
Generally, it’s best to start with open questions (go from general to more
specific).
•
Best questions are short, clear, objective.
•
Ask questions in logical order.
•
Allow for quiet, thinking time.
•
Take notes.
STEP 3: REFLECT-PARAPHRASE
In that step listeners will use some other techniques for active listening process.;
1. Reflecting,
4. Acknowleding,
2. Paraphrasing,
5. Summarizing
3. Reframing,
1.REFLECTING
Reflection, or reflective response technique, borrowed from certain types of counseling
techniques, is designed to elicit as full a sense as possible of the speaker's thoughts and
especially feelings. It is a way of helping someone explore her own personal meanings. This
technique involves reflecting back to the speaker what you believe she has said in order to
verify (or clarify) your understanding and to encourage the speaker to continue elaborating on
her point of view.
WHY YOU DO IT
 to show you understand how the person feels
 to reflect what you are observing rather than what you are hearing
 to help the person evaluate their own feelings after hearing them expressed by
someone else
HOW YOU DO IT
 listen to voice tone and watch for non-verbal cues that indicate feelings
 listen to what the person tells you about what they feel
 state back your sense or hunch of what they are feeling
An active listener is already using aspects of this technique, but reflection requires taking
even greater care in the following area:
Reflect the speaker's thoughts and feelings. Restate what you believe the speaker has said
to check for the accuracy of your understanding (e.g., "So you couldn't finish the assignment
on time." "Then you think the time allotted was inadequate?"). Even more importantly, reflect
back the speaker's feelings as you have heard or inferred them (e.g., "You seem to feel
anxious because you couldn't finish the assignment on time."). This interpretation of feelings
is, of course, more tricky in that it often requires you to read between the lines, to infer
feelings underlying what has been said (e.g., "You seem angry about the reorganization,"
rather than "So the department was reorganized."). Thus you may want to use wording or
voice tone make your inferences into questions, rather than statements (e.g., "So you feel
anxious because you couldn't finish the assignment on time?" "Do you feel anxious because
you couldn't finish the assignment on time?").
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2.PARAPHRASING
Check the accuracy of your understanding what the speaker is saying by paraphrasing
back to them what they just said using your own words.
WHY YOU DO IT
 to show the other person you have been listening to what they are saying,
 to check meaning and interpretation
HOW YOU DO IT
 restate basic ideas and facts in your own words
Introduce your paraphrase with such comments as:
So, if I understand you right, you’re saying …(repeat what they just said in your own words)
… Do I have it right?
Let me see if I get what you mean. You’re suggesting that… Is that it?
OK, your point is that… Correct?
Use your paraphrasing to separate factual content from feelings by saying something like:
–
The factual situation is … (repeat their facts) … and the way you feel
about that is… (empathetically describe how you think they feel). Is that right?
Move toward problem solving
3.REFRAME
We can define“reframing” as “preserving the content of a communication” but altering
its form so it can be heard and possibly result in a solution.
Why You Do It?

to help the other person see their concerns in a new light

to broaden the meaning of an issue to identify needs or interests

to diffuse negative feelings

to establish the focus for resolution
How You Do It?

recognize underlying needs

re-word concerns from
past → future;
problem → opportunity;
interpersonal → system;
rights/wrongs → impacts;
positions → interests;
singular → multiple
Concern: “She always talks to everyone else but me when there is a problem.”
Reframe: “It sounds as if you would like more direct communication to resolve concerns.”
4.ACKNOWLEDGING
Demonstrate an understanding of their perspective and their feelings.
Why You Do It?

to convey that you appreciate the other person’s perspective

to acknowledge the worthiness of the other person

Note: this is not the same as agreement
How You Do It?

acknowledge the value of their issues and feelings

show appreciation for their efforts and actions
Example: “That must have been very frustrating.”
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5.SUMMARIZE
Bring together the facts and pieces of the problem to check understanding.
Why You Do It?

to review progress

to pull together important ideas and information

to establish a foundation for further discussion
How You Do It?

restate the central ideas and feelings you have heard
Example: “Let’s see if I have a clear understanding of your experience at this point…”
“So basically what is most important to you is…”
STEP 4: AGREE
•
Get Speaker’s Consent to Your Reframing
•
Speaker Has Been Heard and Knows It!
•
Solution Is Near!
Remember that the objective of all of this is increase understanding of the other’s
point of view, not necessarily to agree with it or support it.
“ Good listener tries to understand thoroughly what the other person is saying. In the end he
may disagree sharply, but before he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is
disagreeing with.”
Kenneth A. WELLS
BARRIERS TO ACTIVE LISTENING
While listening to someone, there are many barriers that can prevent a person from really
hearing what is being said. These barriers come from both the outside as well as the inside.
External Barriers: These are the various things that happen around you, such as noises,
clutter, and other interruptions, that act as barriers to active listening. Before you start to
actively listen to someone, try to eliminate as many of these external barriers (e.g. turn off
your cell phone, put down another task that you are doing, etc.)
Internal Barriers Within the Listener: There are also many barriers to active listening
that come from within the listener. They include things such as past experiences, prejudices,
assumptions made, certain attitudes, and personality traits, etc. that affect how well you truly
hear what is said. Here are some samples:
- Comparing: Trying to figure out how what is being said is better/worse than
something else (e.g. “Does she think that she is the only unhappy person? My problem
is so much bigger than hers.”)
- Personal Experience: Your own past experience can leave “emotional
cotton” in your ears. This can cause you to misinterpret what someone is saying based
on your own personal experience—not there’s.
- Automatic Talking: Listener responds to the first recognized word speaker
says; not to the overall meaning of what the speaker has said.
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- Mind-Reading: Thinking in advance that you know what someone is going
to say. This can lead to mentally “tuning out” before the speaker is finished talking, or
worse yet, interrupting the person to finish their sentence. In either case, this leads to
misunderstanding, frustration, and possibly even anger.
- Rehearsing: Trying to figure out what you are going to say in response.
Instead of listening to the person, you are thinking about your response to them.
- Judging: Discounting or judging the speaker’s values and therefore writing
off what the person is saying. This distorts your ability to really hear their message.
(e.g. “Look at that haircut” or “He’s loud and obnoxious.”)
- Day Dreaming: Something the speaker says has triggered your own thought
process and you start to day dream.
- Fixing/Advising: This is the tendency to only listen initially to the speaker,
then begin to search for a fix or advice to offer the person. Note: People overall do not
want to be “fixed”, and most suggestions will be disregarded (unless specifically asked
for) and may result in anger toward the fixer.
- Sparring: You focus on things that you disagree with and will verbally attack
the person when they are finished speaking. You fail to take into consideration that
this person’s experiences are unique, and that only he/she is the expert on themselves.
- Filtering / Twisting the Message: You only hear what you want to hear and
ignore everything else. You do not really hear what is being said.
- Making Assumptions: This is the process of coming to some kind of
conclusion about someone or something with incomplete information. Assumptions
about people are made constantly, and can severely limit your ability to communicate
effectively and honestly with other people.
- Perceptual Errors: Perceptions of people and events are often distorted due
to the failure to consider important information. You can overemphasize certain
things, while downplaying others. This process is affected by a number of factors: age,
health, sex, culture, social roles, previous experiences, and even self-concept. People
tend to judge others on the basis of how they view ourselves.
Barriers Within the Speaker: Sometimes the barriers come from the speaker
themselves, which can make true communication difficult. They include:
- Expectations: Speakers may sometimes have certain expectations of the
listener and these are often not expressed to others. This is where clarifying what the
speaker has said and asking pertinent questions is important.
- Risk Taking: Taking risks in communication can be scary but necessary.
Often the speaker has this silent question: “If I risk myself and this is all I’ve got, what
will happen if I am rejected?” That is why it is very important as a listener to accept
and respect the person for what he/she is.
- Avoidance: A speaker may avoid certain subjects or disclosures if they feel it
might be unsafe to talk about for a variety of reasons. That is why it is important to let
speakers say what they want without fear of being judged, ridiculed or verbally
attacked.
- Speaking in Code: This refers to speaking in a language or jargon that is
only understood by some people--not all. Even though it is usually done with realizing
it, it’s not polite and keeps understanding low. This can be overcome by the listener
asking open-ended questions for clarification.
- Boundary: A boundary is something you have developed that defines what is
good or bad for you. These are accumulated during our lifetime for protection and can
become a learned method of existing. Some people have no boundaries and it often
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gets them into trouble. They may offer far more information than what is asked for
and may become a turnoff to others.
CHARACTERISTICS OF A GOOD ACTIVE LISTENER
To listen actively is not a simple activity. The following are important characteristics
of a "good active listener."
Be there
Be present in heart, mind and spirit with the person. Begin with a clear intention to
understand the other person before you seek to have him/her understand you because you
really need to hear what s/he has to say first. If you don't have the time, or don't want to listen,
wait until you do. Displaying the proper attitude with open body language is important, as
well as matching your tempo and tone with the tempo and tone of the person you are listening
to.
Listen carefully to the person
Don't plan what you are going to say. Don't think of how you can interrupt. Don't think
of how to solve the problem, how to admonish, how to console, or what the person "should"
do. Refuse to be blinded by your own prejudices. Don't think or struggle to react.... just listen.
Also, watch for what will never be said out loud. Read the nonverbal signals of others.
Accept the person and his/her feelings
The meaning of what the person is trying to say is in a combination of content and
feeling. Accept the person and their feelings without judgment or reservation. Don't
stereotype the person even though s/he may be very different from you. Also, accept whatever
the person's feelings may be or how they may differ from what you think a person "should"
feel. Don't be afraid that just because the feeling is expressed the person will always feel that
way. Remember that feelings are neither right nor wrong; they just exist and can change, too.
Stay with the other person's point of view without becoming that person
Put yourself in the other person's shoes at his/her point of reference. Don't become that
person, but understand what s/he is feeling, saying, or thinking. For clarification try
translating what the other person is saying into your own words without being repetitious.
Stay separate enough to be objective, but involved enough to help.
Trust the person enough to keep out of it
Trust the person's ability to handle his/her own feelings, work through them, and find
solutions to his/her own problems. Stay Objective. Refrain from offering solutions in order to
keep yourself removed. Don't intrude on what the person is trying to say.
Most people spend roughly 70% of their waking hours in some form of verbal
communication.
Are You a Good Listener?
 Do you frequently think of other things when others are talking to you?
 Do you doodle, shuffle papers, look at the clock or out the window, read the
newspaper, or watch TV?
 Do you silently argue with the talker?
 Do you only selectively hear ideas that fit your beliefs?
 Do you feel most people have little to talk about that is interesting or important?
 Do you listen passively without any facial expressions?
 Do you frequently interrupt others as they are speaking?
 Do you complete sentences or ideas for people when they pause to think?
 Do you silently criticize characteristics of the speaker: voice, looks, manner of
speaking?
 Do you have to ask people to repeat what they said because you have forgotten?
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Yet, how many of us have ever had any formal training in the art of listening? Here are
some things you can do to improve your listening skills.
1. Stop Talking! You cannot listen if you are speaking.
2. Approach the listening experience from a state of calm. To be centered is to be
calm at a very deep level, to be without agendas or predispositions as to the outcome, and to
be open to experience. Centeredness is a prerequisite to truly open listening. It sets the stage
for the points below.
3. Help put the speaker at ease – try to remain open- minded, accept the person and
his/her feelings, and show that you trust the person enough to avoid interfering. Create a
relaxed environment.
4. Never rule out any topic of discussion as uninteresting. Creative people are
always on the lookout for new information. While some conversations may be inane, it’s wise
to make sure the subject is not worthwhile before tuning out.
5. Demonstrate that you want to listen – stay alert by standing or sitting straight, if
sitting lean forward slightly, and maintain eye contact. Show the speaker you are interested.
6. Accept the speaker’s message. On the face of it, this would seem to be an
argument for gullibility—for believing almost anything anyone tells you. It’s not. The point
here is to suspend judgment during the immediate experience of listening. In accepting “as
is”, you’re not making a determination as to the truth or falsity of the statement, you’re simply
acknowledging exactly what the speaker is saying—right or wrong, good or bad, true or false.
This capacity for total acceptance frees the mind to listen for other clues, for example ...
7. Remove distractions – this includes your preoccupations, daydreaming, and
presumptions, as well as environmental distractions. Don't doodle, tap, shuffle paper, use the
computer. Shut the door, turn off the television.
8. Listen for the whole message. One estimate has it that 75% of all communication
is non-verbal. If you take away the words, what’s left? Plenty, it turns out. Beyond the words
themselves is a host of clues as to what the speaker is communicating. Some examples:
posture (rigid or relaxed, closed or open); facial expression (does it support the words?);
hands (clenched, open, relaxed, tense?); eyes (does the speaker maintain eye contact?); voice
tone (does it match the words?); movement (are the speaker’s movements intense, relaxed,
congruent (with the message) or conflicting; do they suggest that the whole speech is
“staged”?) What you’re looking for here are inconsistencies between what is said and what is
really meant, clues that tell you the spoken message isn’t really genuine. Get the idea?
9. Practice Active Listening – ask questions, seek clarification, reflect the speaker’s
feelings, and periodically summarize. Ask questions! This encourages others & shows you are
listening while developing ideas further.
10. Don’t get hung up on the speaker’s delivery. Then there are factors that simply
reveal an awkwardness in delivery rather than any attempt to mislead. The key is being able to
distinguish between the two. It’s easy to get turned off when someone speaks haltingly, has an
irritating voice, or just doesn’t come across well. The key to good listening, however, is to get
beyond the manner of delivery to the underlying message. In order for this to happen, you
have to resolve not to judge the message by the delivery style. It’s amazing how much more
clearly you can “hear” once you’ve made the decision to really listen rather than to criticize.
11. Empathize – seek first to understand the speaker’s words, intent, and feelings. Try
avoiding autobiographical responses, a.k.a. relating the information to your self, because it
has a tendency to make others feel like their message isn’t unique. Try to see the other
person's point of view.
12. Avoid structured listening. It’s popular among some communications teachers to
recommend a format for listening, either in the form of questions (“What is the speaker’s
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main point? What is he/she really saying?) or key words (e.g., purpose, evidence, intent). The
problem with this approach is that it creates a dialogue of noise in the listener’s mind which
interferes with clear reception. Better to operate from the openness of the centered state
(above) and receive the information just as it comes, without any attempt to structure or judge
it. Think of your mind as similar to the central processing unit of a computer in which the data
comes in and is stored without change, available for subsequent access.
13. Be patient – Do not interrupt. Allow plenty of time, do not interrupt, do not ever
walk away. If the conversation becomes heated, reschedule another time to sit down.
14. Hold your temper!
15. Tune out distractions. Poor listeners are distracted by interruptions; good
listeners tune them out and focus on the speaker and the message. It’s a discipline that lends
itself to specific techniques for maintaining one’s focus. Here are some things that will help:
Maintain eye contact with the speaker; lean forward in your chair; let the speaker’s words
“ring” in your ears; and turn in your chair, if necessary, to block out unwanted distractions.
16. Acknowledge Criticism, but don’t React – if the speaker offers criticism, seek to
absorb it and acknowledge that it has been offered, but avoid becoming defensive or angry. If
you decide in advance not to become defensive, then there is no need to think about your own
plan of attack (i.e. counter arguments, excuses, denial), and there is more time to listen to the
speaker.
17. Go easy on arguments & criticism. This attitude will put others on the defensive,
making communication difficult.
18. Be alert to your own prejudices. This goes along with #3 above, but it’s so
important that you may want to think specifically about the impact of your prejudices on your
ability to really hear what’s being communicated. Often, we are unaware how strongly our
prejudices influence our willingness and ability to hear. The fact is: any prejudice, valid or
not, tends to obscure the message.
19. Resist the temptation to rebut. Why is it that, when we hear someone saying
something with which we strongly disagree, we immediately begin mentally formulating a
rebuttal? Many reasons, but one of the most common is our natural tendency to resist any new
information that conflicts with what we believe. Keep in mind: you can always rebut later,
when you’ve heard the whole message and had time to think about it.
20. Take notes sparingly. The world seems to be split between those who take
prolific notes and those who take few or none, with each side equally strong in its position. I
come down toward the latter view for this reason: the more focused you are on writing down
what is being said, the more likely you are to miss the nuances of the conversation. There are
two good ways around this dilemma. You can write down only key words and then, after the
conversation, meeting, etc., go back and fill in, or you can take notes pictorially, that is, by
diagramming what the speaker is saying. It’s a technique called, “mindmapping” and it was
first popularized by a writer named Tony Buzan well over a decade ago in a book entitled,
“Use Your Head”. You may want to look up his books; he’s written several.
21. Stop Talking! First & last, this is most important!
ACTIVE LISTENING AND NEGOTIATION
Active listening is important for identifying and creating negotiating goals, because
listening helps to orient the negotiator to the environment. When they listen, negotiators have
an opportunity to learn about the other parties, the issues, and the situation. The key is to
listen for needs on the other side, for opportunities to meet those needs, and for ways to adapt
proposals to the needs of the other side. Listeners gain bargaining power; talkers often exhaust
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it. Because people do not learn much while they are talking, negotiators should attempt to talk
less than %50 of time.
In negotiation, there are four major reasons to listen:
1. to discover the needs of constituents and teammates;
2. to learn the other side’s proposals and strengths;
3. to discern subtle position changes and openings; and
4. to show other side that their proposals are understood.
Though self-explanatory, neither of the first two objectives is easy to accomplish.
Misunderstandings occur even in the best communication circumstances. Good paraphrasing
skills help to produce better listening results in negotiation. The act of repeating back the
other side’s general statement reduces misunderstanding but it also imposes a valuable
discipline on the listener.
Listening for the subtle signs from the other side requires the same sharp concentration,
but the payoffs are high for those who understand the message hidden in the speaker’s words.
Speakers who take a hard line may find it nearly impossible to admit they were wrong.
Negotiators who are alert and sensitive to small signals showing a shifting position are in a
position to find agreements.
When the talks become personal, negotiators tend to rationalize their behavior and justify
their positions, even as they project undesirable characteristics on the other side. Hostilities
can harden because each side has difficulty retreating from the harsh accusations and
characterizations it has made. To break these patterns, it may take someone who can carefully
listen for minuscule movement in the position of the other side. Those who have learned to
listen well can make great contributions to reaching agreements.
The last major reason for active listening is that it demonstrates to members of the other
side that the negotiator has a strong desire to know what they are saying. This holds true
whether negotiations are friendly or hostile, initimate or formal. It is desirable for the other
side to see that the negotiator is listening. Good listening helps to promote greater
communication from the other side.
In addition to the other substantial gains, listening and the image of being a good listener
have an interpersonal payoff. Negotiators respond to warmth and empathy of listening
behavior with reciprocal feelings. Accurate restatement of the negotiator’s position produces a
greater willingness to reach agreement. Listening behavior can demonstrate a sense of both
understanding and caring to the other side.
Good listening skills are useful for discovering the needs of constituents, for
understanding the case the other side is presenting, for detecting subtle movement in the other
side, for demonstrating a sense of understanding and concern to them.
CONCLUSION
Listening is a critical communication skill for managers and consultants, as well as for
all of us in our personal lives. Advising someone well on a career, personal, or organizational
issue requires that you understand that person's point of view. You can't negotiate effectively
until you understand what the other person wants. Effective persuasion depends on a clear
understanding of the other person's perspective. In all of these situations, active listening, is
crucial to achieving your ultimate communication objectives.
Active listening is a skill that, like other communication skills, must be developed. It
does not come naturally to most of us. By practicing you can develop these skills and then
integrate them with your other communication skills.
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