Potluck
By Anna Fox Anna Fox a.paulina.z.fox@gmail.com (413) 218-­‐9145 © 2015 Time: “Winter” Place: The eclectic and eccentric apartment of Jim. Huntington Beach, CA. Commerce, CA. El Pollo Loco. Characters: 3F, 3M JIM – 40s. A bachelor and host of the potluck. He wears unfortunately outdated boxy Hawaiian shirts and is into non-­‐violent communication. He would never openly admit that he’s mostly interested in getting with the earth loving ladies that attend his gatherings, although that’s definitely what he is most interested in. SHARON– A waify free-­‐spirited woman in her 60s who is stuck in the 1960s. She is an avid animal rights activist and is obsessed with dominoes and psychadelics. NATALIA– 20s. Brazilian. Attractive and tall. A raw vegan blogger who is definitely more enlightened than you. A little too perfect. Probably not a human. JESSICA – 20s. Blunt. Overweight. Impolite on purpose. Eats her feelings. Luckily her feelings are raw. Is part of the reason some people fear feminists. Wants desperately to be NATALIA’S friend. AVI– 20s. Long hair. Surfer. His parents are really rich, although you’d never guess judging by his tattered clothing and talk of being oppressed by the 1%. DR. JONATHON -­‐ 60s. A Swiss psychotherapist turned professor of sustainable music at UCLA. He wants to teach you about sustainability. Sustainability will keep our planet thriving. It is our only option. Are you listening to what he’s saying? Because if not, you are being rude. Others: Played by the same actors who play the characters listed above. Doubling/tripling/quadrupling is noted as follows. HEADLESS CHICKEN/REVERAND (Jim) RAFAELA/JANIS (Sharon) RAQUEL (Jessica) ANDREW/ANA LUIZA (Avi) HEADLESS CHICKEN 2/DOCTOR/ROBBIE (Dr. Jonathon) Note: The way to denote a HEADLESS CHICKEN is to have the actor be shirtless and wear a paper bag over his head. Some feathers are possible, but not necessary. The lights dim. HEADLESS CHICKEN sings. HEADLESS CHICKEN Chorus DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE A CHICKEN? LIKE A CHICKEN WITH ITS HEAD CUT OFF? YOU’RE RUNNIN AROUND CAN’T FIND THE GROUND THE FUTURE’S TOO FAR OFF BOCK BOCK BOCK DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE A CHICKEN LIKE A CHICKEN WHOSE LOST ITS WAY? YOU GOT NO NECK NO SELF RESPECT JUST RUN IN CIRCLES ALL DAY. Verse 1 HELLO I AM A CHICKEN AS AVERAGE AS CAN BE I’M IN JOKES AND I CROSS ROADS EXCEPT THAT I CAN’T SEE I LIVE DOWN IN THE VALLEY THE DROUGHT HAS MADE IT DRY AND I WOULD WET THIS ARID LAND IF I HAD EYES TO CRY CHORUS Verse 2 I WROTE IT ON THE SIDEWALK IT WENT BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK CHICKENS SCRATCH AND CHICKENS HATCH IF ONLY I COULD TALK I USED TO TASTE THE OCEAN THOSE BREEZES FROM DOWN SOUTH CHICKENS SING AND CHICKEN WINGS ‘CEPT I GOT NO MOUTH RAQUEL, RAFAELA and ANA LUIZA, a group of Brazilian robots enter wearing matching outfits. They whip out three kazoos in unison and play alongside HEADLESS CHICKEN’S bocking. As the song progresses, JIM’S house slowly starts appearing around them, so that at the end of the song we are in his living room. Bridge BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK BOCK Verse 3 WELL IF I HAD A PENNY IF I HAD A DIME IF I HAD A CLUCKIN’ DOLLAR MAYBE I’D BE FINE WELL IF I HAD A SHOTGUN MAYBE I’D BE DEAD BUT IF I HAD MY CLUCKIN’ SAY I’D STILL HAVE MY HEAD DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE A CHICKEN? LIKE A CHICKEN WITH ITS HEAD CUT OFF? YOU’RE RUNNIN AROUND CAN’T FIND THE GROUND THE FUTURE’S TOO FAR OFF BOCK BOCK BOCK DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE A CHICKEN LIKE A CHICKEN WHOSE LOST ITS WAY? YOU GOT NO NECK NO SELF-­‐RESPECT JUST RUN IN CIRCLES JUST RUN IN CIRCLES JUST RUN IN CIRCLES ALL DAAAAAY BOCK BOCK (Later on in Act I) SHARON What’s your name dear? AVI Sorry guys! It’s Avi. SHARON That’s a wonderful name. Very peaceful. AVI Thank you. It means father in Hebrew. SHARON I’m Sha-­‐RON. That’s Dr. Jonathon and Jessica. AVI Sha-­‐RON. Wow. I feel a lot of energy behind your name. SHARON Blessings to you Avi. JIM Okay, let’s draw our attention back to the issue at hand. I am not trying to make a big deal out of it, I just – it would be nice is everyone could follow the rules I have so lovingly created for my home. JESSICA The door is closed, so no one cares. JIM Lest we forget the issue of the plate. JESSICA I am not paying you three dollars for something I wasn’t previously made aware of. JIM I hear and understand your concern, yet I am also wondering how I can get my needs met as well. JESSICA Post it online next time. DR JONATHON As you can see young lady, we have all brought our own reusable containers. JESSICA He didn’t (Pointing to AVI). AVI I’m into the plate-­‐free movement. For each plate you don’t use, a child in Africa also doesn’t use a plate. It’s like a solidarity thing. You know? Brother to brother. Sister to sister. Are we really that different from one another? #consciouscapitalism #humnaity SHARON I believe I read an article about that. JIM Huh. Maybe I should free plate as well. AVI My good friend Bhavani Moon-­‐Dove started a blog about it. She is also bowl, silverware and napkin free. She had a special table designed from an old Mexican door with little rivets in it, so she can just lap the food straight out of the table with her abnormally long tongue. She’s actually selling the tables on Etsy now under the username myspiritmoon. I would be happy to pass along the URL to anyone who is interested. DR JONATHON I’ll type my email address into your phone because I know how to do things like that. JIM Perhaps you could email me and I could email it to the whole group? DR JONATHON I don’t read chain emails. JIM I hear your voice Dr Jonathon, yet I am just trying to be conscientious of the whole groups’ needs. DR JONATHON Maybe the entire group isn’t all interested. Jessica? JESSICA Do I look like I’d be interested in a person named Bovine Moondove? AVI Bhavani. JESSICA Whatever. AVI I can just do it individually. SHARON It might be easier to do Jim’s way. JIM I appreciate your honoring of my methodology Sharon. I honor the divine feminine in you, as well as myself. SHARON I always appreciate a man centered in his femininity. Light and love to you Jim. AVI In elementary school people would be like “Um are you gay?”, and I would be like, “No, I’m just centered in my femininity”. Pause. AVI Not really, but it’s what I would have said. (End of Act I) By the fire. DR JONATHON You know if you keep all your fears bottled up like that, the energy will become toxic and cause cancer. SHARON finishes writing and crumples the paper. SHARON Ready? SHARON and DR JONATHON throw the papers towards the fire. REVERAND catches SHARON’S paper and hands it back to her. REVERAND Begin again. SHARON crumples the paper again and throws it towards the fire. REVERAND catches it and hands it back to her. REVERAND Begin again. DR JONATHON Must be the wind. SHARON crumples the paper again and throws it towards the fire. REVERAND catches it and hands it back to her. REVERAND Begin again. SHARON crumples the paper. She throws it towards the fire. This time much more desperate. REVERAND catches it and throws it in her face. REVERAND BEGIN AGAIN. SHARON gets up and tries to run. REVERAND catches her by the shoulders. REVERAND Begin again. REVERAND drags SHARON towards the fire. SHARON screams. NATALIA appears covered in blood. She DR JONATHON It appears as though she’s swallowed your fears. pushes REVERAND into the fire. She swallows the paper and then runs off. SHARON pours water on the fire and exits. DR JONATHON sits alone in the dark. HEADLESS CHICKEN enters in the shadows. HEADLESS CHICKEN (In a very low/rhythmic tone) Bock. Bock. Bock. (Towards the end of Act II) At El Pollo Loco. ROBBIE Look sweetie. You can take your high fallutin attitude to a Applebees or somethin. I don’t know if you read the sign, but this establishment is called “El Polio Loco”. You know what that means? JESSICA I literally did NOT drive drunk on kombucha to get belittled by a member of the patriarchy. Know your place. ROBBIE Whoa. Pipe down now. No need to get loco on me here. JANIS. I SAID ONE ORDER OF EVERYTHING. God damn deaf bitch. JESSICA You need to tone down your anti-­‐feminist hate speech. AVI Yeah. Tone down your anti-­‐feminist hate speech. Pause. ROBBIE But I’m a man. JANIS carries everything in the store. She sets it on the counter. JANIS grabs ROBBIE’S collar, and then a piece of chicken and holds it up to his face, threatening him. JANIS You call me a deaf bitch one more time and I’m gonna leave your sorry ass here over night. ROBBIE But grandma, how else am I supposed to get home? JANIS I got plans to go to the movies with Sheila and Dominique, then we’re gonna do sake bombs till we pass out. You think I want you tagging along like a no good used tampon? Now ring these hipsters up and get back to the fryer. The CHICKEN is burning, and what good is El Pollo Loco without CHICKEN, huh? AVI How come you pretend to be deaf? JANIS Cause I hate humanity. JANIS goes back to staring. JESSICA I thrift shop because I come from a working class family, not because I’m a trendy rich “hipster”. Can I get an avocado toastada salad? ROBBIE Has chicken on it. AVI You told me that your dad is like a retired school teacher. JESSICA Yeah working class. Working in a class. Can I get it without the chicken? ROBBIE That’s like asking “Can I get the BLT without the B”, shrimp cocktail without the shrimp, a hamburger without the ham? Jesus lady, who do you think I am? The Jolly Green Giant? If you want fresh vegetables go to the 99 cent store. AVI That’s not what working class means. JESSICA Uh huh. Whatever. Can I get a side of avocado? ROBBIE It’s covered in chicken fat. JESSICA A bowl of lettuce? ROBBIE It’s chicken-­‐flavored. JESSICA A tortilla? Pause. ROBBIE considers. ROBBIE I scratched my butt crack and then touched it. JANIS smacks him in the head. ROBBIE Sorry Grandma. JESSICA A packet of ketchup? ROBBIE (In a very haunting tone) It’s really chicken blood in a tube. JESSICA looks like she’s going to throw up.