© Peter Underhill/Piranha Studios September 2000 - Not for resale or publication without prior authorisation
IN THIS MONTH’S
EXCITING ISSUE:
NOTHING BUT THE BEAR FACTS! • ISSUE 4 • SEPTEMBER 2000
BEAR TEAM
WITHDRAW
FROM THE
OLYMPICS
The entire Bear Olympic team
including coaches and support
staff have been withdrawn without
setting foot on a track or taking
the field, after the introduction of
new drug testing methods by the
officials at the Sydney Olympics.
A spokesbear for the team said “We
were just skinning up, when we heard
about the new tests from our dealer. He
was warning us about the tests which
would show up the smallest traces of
gear we’d done up to six months ago.”
Officials state that the advances in
laboratory techniques allow them to pick
up on substances that would never have
been detected in previous Olympic
competitions.“If a sprinter took aspirin
when he was five years old, these tests
will spot it “ .
The disgraced Bear squad have pulled
out for several reasons: After a pretty
spectacular party to celebrate their
arrival in Australia they were too loaded
to find the test centre.
When test technicians were sent to their
apartments to take samples of blood, the
bears apparently barricaded their door
while vigorous toilet flushing was heard
by the investigators. When access to the
team’s rooms was finally gained, the
team members were abusive and violent. Some of the technicians were told
in no uncertain terms to “chill out man,
have a word with Charlie”.The investigators attempted to discuss the matter with
the individual, but were unable to find
anyone by the name of Charles.
NEWS
Olympic Bear Team
Scandal
DNA Genome
Mapped
Grizzlepink storms
the toy stores this
autumn
Bear Team Publicity Shot
Some particularly affectionate member
of the Bear Team told the investigators
how he wanted to spend the rest of his
life with them.
When the allegations were levelled at
the team captain, he responded with
this statement; “Okay, the guys have
been getting pretty high, but we’ve
worked hard for this, surely we can be
allowed to relax and have a good time?
What’s the big deal?”
He continued “We thought we’d help out
by supplying our own white lines and
some of our decathlon team were
criticised for shooting up on the rifle
range. But that’s no reason to get upset.
I will personally be keeping tabs on the
team. It’s a bitter pill, but we’re sure we
are doing the right thing for our national
pride. There’s no smoke without fire and
the other team’s will surely be
investigated and found to have used
performance enhancing chemicals.
We did go through a rigorous de-tox
scheme before flying out, but we obvi ously didn’t drink enough beer to flush
out our systems”.
Suspicions were raised when a
microphone was placed on one of the
unsuspecting team. He was heard to
say to his colleagues “Hey guys, look,
I’m wired” The investigators were
unsure whether he had discovered the
bug or was simply stating his state of
mind, but their hunch was right.
The entire Bear Squad will be flying
home in the next few days - without an
aeroplane.
PAGE 1
FEATURES
BEAROSMITH TAILS FROM
THE WOODS
Bearsmith discuss
the troubles
recording their new
album.
BUBBLE GUM It sticks to the fur,
litters the forest and
chokes small cubs We ask - Who is to
blame?
FACTS
New Patients
arrive at the Home
for
disfunctional bears
PLUS
Who will be next
Has anyone seen
the Clubber Bear?
© Peter Underhill/Piranha Studios September 2000 - Not for resale or publication without prior authorisation
BEAROSMITH
PROMOTE
MONKEY
SPANKING
ON STAGE
Aging rockers "Bearosmith"
return to the studio later this
month to finish off their latest album, "Monkey
Spanking".
"We have been out in the woods
working on some new songs" commented frontbear Steve Tylbear
"There was a very positive vibe these new songs will rock! It has
taken us a long time to get finished
due to Joe's injury. We like to do
everything as a group, we perform
much better and we always have
much more fun when there are five
of us. We took some time out to
recover as we couldn't all perform.
You can't work with an injure
member."
Joe Beary, lead guitarist has now
fully recovered from his guitar related
injury.
"I was in much pain after they finally
managed to remove the instrument
from my hand. The doctor told me
that I had got carried away and
DNA GENOME
MAPPED
Okay, so we know the complete map of bear chromasome, we can prevent all
known illness and consequently any bear born from now on
could live for over one thousand years.
Lets look what that could mean in
real terms.
BAD TASTE TIMES • ISSUE 4 • SEPTEMBER 2000
excessive motion up and down the
neck had inflamed the tendons in my
paw. I have been involved in
intensive therapy to restore nerves to
my pads"
Doctor Hans Offman of Spencer
Research Clinic has pioneered a
new intensive work out based around
a simulated guitar neck called Shaft
therapy which could help many guitarists in Joe's position.
"Zee process involves much stroking"
said Doctor Offman, "We start zem
with zee gentle strokes
zen we move on to
harder strokes.
Finally I get zem to
increase zee
pressure on zee
shaft and begin to
apply more pres sure with zee
paws. We begin
with a flacid shaft
and zen work up to
harder and longer
shafts as zee treat ment progresses".
"The relief is inde scribable. I am able
to reach new peaks
in my fretwork."
said Joe, "It has been
a long hard struggle. When the treat ment first started I could hardly hold
the shaft and Dr Offman worked long
and hard gripping my shaft with me
and to start with he was doing much
of the work for me. Now I can stroke
the shaft myself as long and hard
On average, a single, full-grown bear
will shed around a quarter of a
pound (sorry - .125kilo) of hair a year
- multiplied by 1000 will give you
enough fur to fill twenty mattresses.
Claws grow at about a quarter of an
inch a month, a thousand years of
claw clippings would add up to 833
yards of claw. Any suggestions here
what we can do with all the claw clippings?
So take the average bear shit - it
doesn't take a calculator to figure out
that in a thousand years from now,
the woods wouldn't be such a great
place to be.
PAGE 2
and often as I like. I can now return
to the band as a fully working mem ber which will be better for all of us".
Bearosmith are performing for MTV
"Live from the Woods" acoustic special and are promising a debut for
three new songs, "We are planning
to play "Come and rock my den"
which is quite a hard number" Steve
told us, "then slow things down a lit tle with "Rutting in the Spring" a
ballad I wrote for a deer friend of
mine and finally we'll play "You can
Spank my Monkey" which is a
ballsy little tune that Joe
wrote"
Joe told us about this
new tune; "Yeah. I
wrote this when I first
finished Shaft therapy
and is dedicated to
Doctor Offman, without
whom I would never have
been able to hold my guitar
again. I just went out into the
woods with my guitar and
played with myself. I record ed the results and you can
really feel the positive
vibe in the rhythm and it
builds to a fantastic cli max - the audience
won't know what hit em"
After this performance for MTV, Joe
and the band will return to the studio
to finish off the new album and plan
to promote "Monkey Spanking” - in a
world tour early next year.
Artist impression of 1000 Year Old
Bear
© Peter Underhill/Piranha Studios September 2000 - Not for resale or publication without prior authorisation
Top Toys
BAD TASTE TIMES • ISSUE 4 • SEPTEMBER 2000
SCARLET GETS A COLUMN
We know there are many of you out
there with problems that you cannot
discuss with your friends or family.
Who can you turn to in your hour of
need to prove to you that the world
isn’t such a lonely place after all?
Scarlet, a regular contributor in the
BTT office has grasped the challenge
put before her.
Starting next month - she has her own
feature where you can ask her
anything - yes anything!
As newly appointed Agony Aunt ,
Scarlet will do her utmost to answer
all your troubles. So, to make
Scarlet’s column nice and full, send
your problems and queries and we’ll
make sure she gives you as many
column centimetres as it takes to
satisfy both you and her. Submit your
letters to:
clubbers@piranha-studios.com
Whilst every red-blooded kid
wouldn’t be seen dead without
the latest wad of Pokebear
cards to trade with his mates, it
seems that the next big thing,
for this Christmas is going to
be the Grizzlepink.
It’s a scaled down version of a
human baby or “pinky”. The story
goes that one night on a foraging trip
from his cave, Grizzley, a 500 pound
grizzly bear found a campsite where
a family of pinks were sleeping. After
he and a couple of friends had eaten
both parents, they moved on to the
tasty morsel of the now orphaned little boy. Grizzley, stopped, picked up
the boy in his giant paw and said “Hey, this one’s kind of cute - lets
save him” So they did.
Bubble Gum
Who’s fault is it?
When he got his breath back,
Bruno hit on the idea that kids
would love to do the same,
only without the nearly dying
bit at the beginning. So he
began developing a special
stretchy gum.
He became a millionaire,
and the man that saved his
life? He died penniless
because Bruno thought he
was trying to slip him one up
the ass.
The story spread and now, major toy
manufacturer, Hasbear, is churning
them out by the thousand. The toy
has captured the imagination of the
public and every cub wants one plus a few adult bears too.
What happened to the boy? Well, he
was saved, but only until the following morning when temptation got the
better of old Griz. Well, you can’t
waste good food like that, not even in
the forest! Plus there are plenty more
to collect.
To pre-order Grizzlepink toys visit
Spencer Gifts...
A buddy came to his rescue before
he turned blue and performed the
Heimlich manoeuvre to clear his
windpipe. As he squeezed his belly,
the wad of gum inflated like a
balloon, before shooting out.
Bruno Gristle, a product tester at the
Big Bear Chewing Gum Co. was having a good old chomp on the latest
batch of the Company product roach and nettle flavour gum, when
he accidentally inhaled a wad of the
stuff and began to choke.
PAGE 3
To this day the basic recipe has
changed very little and is now a
multi-billion business (Apart from
Singapore, where it was banned by
the government because it was
making the place look ugly)
It’s also useful around the home for
all kinds of repairs, from grouting
bathroom tiles to fixing posters to
walls.
© Peter Underhill/Piranha Studios September 2000 - Not for resale or publication without prior authorisation
BAD TASTE TIMES • ISSUE 4 • SEPTEMBER 2000
New
Patients
arrive
Once again we have new visitors
arriving at the Home for disfunctional
bears. First of all there is Bernie who
admits he has an addiction. He isn’t
seeking help however. he is just looking for somewhere quiet to sit down
and chill out. He soon found company in the form of Huey who was more
than happy to spill the beans on his
addiction.
Several hours later, the conversation
reached quite a philosophical peak
but soon devolved into fits of coughing an vomiting - followed by several
long hours of sleep.
His friend is far more energetic how-
Meet Bernie..
ever. Dick has been an instant hit at
the home. He has been been given
the grand tour by both Scarlet and
Violet - several times. They have
spent many long hours getting to
know him up close and personal and
have offered to let him share there
rooms should there be no where else
available.
Willy is less keen on his new room
mate, claiming that “It is just plain
wrong parading around like that. It’s
not natural and it makes some of us
look inadequate”
The ongoing saga of the
missing Clubber Bear
Okay, so last month we said that we
were finally getting on top of the
clubber bear situation...
Erm... Sorry!
As you can see from the recent
additions to the world of Bad Taste
Bears we are very busy creating new
figurines. This is not a random
occurance. The sudden increase in
bear output is due to the Autumn
Trade fair at Birmingham NEC this
month.
Since the begining of August we
have all been working really hard to
get the next figurines ready to make
their debut appearance and this has
required the service of everyone at
Piranha Studios - including the
Clubber Bear painters.
Please don’t think we have forgotten
you. We are still working our way
through the list of club members. We
are currently at Member number 89
which should mean that members
who have joined since mid July are
waiting.
Once again we are very sorry your
having to wait so long but rest
assured you have not been forgotten
and we will get your figurine to you
as soon as possibbly can.
PAGE 4
...and Dick
Who will be next?
Looking ahead there are a couple
more bears likely to be moving in
before long.
One who goes by the nickname
“Potty” and he is likely to be accompanied by “Vibrator” however we
can’t confirm this yet. So keep watching this space and we shall let you
know next month.
Also we should be able to give you
details of when Bernie and Dick will
be making their first public
appearances.
So what is the
Clubber Bear Officially
called then?
Well... as the judging panel are all
away at the Autumn Fair, judging
has been postponed until they
return.
As soon as they return we will
announce a winner and have an
official naming ceremony.
We will announce the name on the
website as soon as a decision has
been reached and print it in next
month’s newsletter.
Until Next time then...
We hope you have enjoyed this
month’s installment. If you have
any suggestions for stories or
Problems for Scarlet Please Email
us at:
clubbers@piranha-studios.com