GOLDEN WORDS
Page 2
Editorial
Volume 43, Issue 13
by Sam & Stephen
A Present! For You! (Maybe)
Alex Crosby: This kid’s
like a train for us here at
Golden Words. A train
that sometimes functions
properly, but at other
times – BAM! It derails,
and miles of countryside
are devastated. Merry
Christmas, Cobs. For all
of your hard work this
semester, we’re giving
you a really awesome
analogy.
Tyler Nash: This guy’s
great. We’d get him a
care in the world, ’cause
he don’t have one right
now.
Isabel Z.-T.: Our dearest
Isabel, nary a day has
gone by in which we
have not pondered the
nature of your gift. How
does one wrap sincerity?
How does one package
affection? We doth not
know, and it pains us. So
yeah, have this toaster.
B r a n d o n Wa r d : We
haven’t seen a whole lot of
you this year; we assume
it’s because you’re trying
t o a vo i d s o m e t h i n g .
Obviously not us, but
rest assured we’ve gotten
rid of all of the ghosts,
rotten smells, mice and
allergens lying around,
so you can come back any
old time you like, pal.
Pansee Atta: Pansee
works harder than both
of us put together every
week, and if we had a
million dollars, we’d buy
her a gold smelter, a pony
ranch, and a yacht that
runs on gold ponies.
Talia Radcliffe: Hey! You
don’t work for us! GET
OUT OF HERE!
Michelle Chan: Look, we
know you hate us. You
ask to go to sleep, we say
no. You ask us to loosen
the shackles, we say no.
You ask us to take off the
muzzle, we say no. So this
Christmas, we’re giving
you a free roam around
the front lawn. (Please
don’t maul us; apparently
you’re a bear?)
John Pangalos: We could
get John a lot of really
nice things for Christmas
this year. Whether or not
we choose to, however, is
a different story entirely.
John, we’ll think about
it.
Susan Kim: We’d get you
a home, since you seem
to have lost yours, and
by that, we mean you
have a horrible sense of
direction.
Julia Stevens: Julia’s
recently become a triplethreat, mastering the arts
of copy editing, layout
AND eating a whole
light bulb like that guy
from TV! WOW! Julia,
for Christmas you get a
LIGHT BULB!
Tom Bak: Tom Bak, we
know you often feel
“inadequately fancy,” so
we decided to get you a
new last name, complete
with funny accents and
junk. You’re new name is
Sir Ŵhűrlmire Bǎch and
you’re not registered to
live in Canada.
Adams (Brykajlo/
Sniderman): Which is
which? It’s a mystery.
This Christmas we’re
either getting you guys
a geneticist or name tags
so we can finally tell you
two apart.
Erin Marchak: A beautiful
flower once told us that
we would one day meet
a lady fair. We have yet to
see an all-female festival,
but when we do, Steve
says you can have his
ticket. Merry Christmas.
Wy a n n e Ts a n g : A n
anagram of “Wyanne
Tsang” is “nasty new
nag.” We completely
disagree with this since
you’re a pretty swell gal,
but we’ll have a hard
time telling that to the
scientists.
Liz Barker: You know
how Pandora was given
a box, and told to never
open it, but then she
did and all of the evils
were unleashed upon
mankind, and everyone
was scared, but then they
found that in the corner of
the box was a single ray of
hope? Nope? Okay, well
here’s a history textbook
we found in the JDUC.
Libby Shaker: …or, as we
call her around the office,
“The Astronaut.” This
is mainly because she’s
so out of this world, and
also because she keeps
wearing that spacesuit
t o P r e s s n i t e . L i b b y,
you get an entire tube
of astronaut’s mac and
cheese.
Elias da Silva Powell: A
fancy boy with a fancy
name in a fancy hat
and fancy shoes needs
nothing more than a fancy
introduction to his gift:
this year, you’re getting a
knife block.
Elyse Haid: Hey, you like
swimming for hours on
end with no land in sight,
right? Perfect. Oh man,
you’re gonna love what
we got you this year!
Sean McGarry: Sean,
we’re going to level with
you; we’re going to lay it
on the line, as they say;
we’re going to put truth
to paper and transcribe
information directly into
your brain via paper;
you could really use a
diamond the size of a
smart baby’s head, and
we’re going to fix that
for you.
Alice Wismath: Alice, we
know how much you love
diamonds, but we can’t
afford any. Don’t listen
to Sean. He does nothing
but spread lies. For you,
we got the Ghostbusters II
DVD. No special reason.
Harley Balabanian:
You’d think the obvious
choice of gift for a man
named Harley would be
a really cool motorcycle,
but we have to be sure to
keep you guessing! This
year, we’re getting you
the other kind of Harley
– hope you enjoy your
new clone! Have fun
pondering which one of
you has your soul now.
The “Business” Team
(Justin Abraham,
Rachael Glassman, and
Jonathan Poh): We got
you a Christmas card
filled with hundred
dollar bills. The Family
is honoured by your
continued “assistance.”
Carlie McCann: What
is art? Is it the softness
of a baby’s breath? Is it
the tip of a rose’s thorn?
Is it everything? Or
rather, is it nothing? We
choose to believe art is
certain things, and we
happened to pick up one
of those certain things at a
garage sale last Saturday
morning. Hope you like
it!
Mark Sheridan & Dave
Ricketts: You know what
cool guys get? Cool guys
get box sets. We’re giving
you two the best damn set
of boxes you’ve ever laid
your eyes on.
Evelien Heijselaar: We
were going to get you
the best gift ever, but
apparently you already
own like, twelve swords.
Instead, we paid a
shadowy figure to break
into your house and sing
you Christmas carols
every night for a month.
Do you see? Do you see
how much we love you?
Andrew Krol: Andrew
Krol is a lot like an
old, weathered music
conductor who insists on
being called “Maestro.”
This one time, in the spirit
of Christmas, Maestro,
we’ll comply.
Kenji Ferguson, Alanna
Ryan, Danielle Kenney,
Katherine Sedivy-Haley,
Brandon Froh & Carolyn
Campbell: Hey, Golden
Words, meet the new
kids! These guys have
joined the ranks in the last
few days, and tradition
dictates that they get three
wishes for Christmas.
Split them wisely amongst
yourselves.
You, The Readers: For
you, we’ve gone for the
heartfelt, homemade
piece of crap. However,
yours is by far the best,
as it’s the only one we’ve
actually followed through
on. Happy holidays!
Volume XLIII
Issue XIII
November 26th, 2008
Golden Words, Clark Hall,
Queen’s University, Kingston, ON, K7L 3N6
tel: 533-3051
fax: 533-6678
e-mail: enggw@queensu.ca
www.goldenwords.net
Come be a part of Golden Words!
If you can read this paragraph, you’re good enough for us. All party
people are welcome, regardless of year, faculty, or discipline. You
can join us for Press Nite(tm), which is held (almost) every
Sunday during the Fall and Winter terms in the EngSoc Lounge
above the book shop (it’s the only door that doesn’t actually go
into the store). We kick start the crazy antics at noon and keep
on truckin’ until the paper is done (i.e. the wee hours of Monday
morning). Feel free to join in any time and hit us up with some
of that world-class humour of yours that we’ve been hearing so
much about. And since you’re being such a good sport, we’ll keep
your cage clean with freshly laid out newspaper, gently comb
your fur from time to time, and give you all the food pellets and
water you can eat! Those food pellets are pretty decent, so this
is a mighty sweet deal. Alternatively, you can submit articles by
e-mailing them to editors@goldenwords.net any old time you like.
Golden Words is published at least 24 times a year
by the Queen’s Engineering Society,
Queen’s University, Kingston, Ontario, Canada
(9000 copies distributed free on campus)
Proudly printed in Canada by
Shield Printing
A Division of Shield Media
20 Hanna Court
Belleville, ON
K8P 5J2
Contents © 2008 Golden Words
The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the Queen’s Engineering
Society nor of its members. Unless otherwise stated, all submitted material is the
property of Golden Words and is reviewed by the editors in accordance with the 20062007 editorial policy, which is available on request. The editors reserve the right to
make final editing decisions. Any complaints or issues regarding the content of this
paper should be forwarded to the editors. All issues will be dealt with within one week.
If the complainant, the editors or the chair are not content with the proposed solution,
a meeting of the Golden Words Editorial Review Board will be convened. Please
contact the editors at editors@goldenwords.net or (613) 533-3051 to lodge a complaint
or comment. Golden Words is not intended for persons under the age of 18.
Editors
Steve Vickers
Sam Greer
Office hours by appointment
WHENEVS
Operations Manager
Wyanne Tsang
Monday 3:30pm - 4:30pm
Business Manager
Erin Marchak
Thursday 12:30pm - 2:30pm
Editorial Staff
Head Copy Editor
Copy Editors
Guest Copy Editor
Assistant to the Regional Blogger
Business Team
Layout Editor
Layout Monkeys
Photoshop Goddess
Graphics Staff
Graphics Monkeys
Senior Staff Writer
Staff Writers
Writers
Contributing Writers
Libby “Movers and” Shaker
Elyse “J-Peg” Haid
Susan “the” Kim
Julia “Wordsmith” Stevens
Carolyn “Soup” Campbell
Andrew “I want peace” Krol
Justin “The other” Abraham
Rachael “Ingacio” Glassman
Jonathan “Solar” Poh
Michelle “Break Dancer” Chan
Julia “USSR ” Stevens
Tom “Reanimated” Bak
Michelle “Nitrates” Chan
Adam “Energetic Man” Brykajlo
Tom “Do it yourself” Bak
Pansee Atta“boy”
Alex “Highlander” Crosby
Brandon “Insiteful” Ward
Isabel “Saw Mill” Zaw-Tun
Tyler “Aiee My Nipples” Nash
Sean “McGary” McGarry
Alice “I is angry” Wismath
Andrew “Andy Roo” Krol
Danielle “Major Pain” Kenney
Alanna “Wasail” Ryan
Katherine “EMP” Sedivy-Haley
Elias “Rawr” Da Silva-Powell
Elizabeth “Yes” Barker (x2)
Kenji “Sampler” Ferguson
Brandon “Opulent” Froh
Production Staff
Distribution Managers
Special Events
Cartoonists
Deputy
Contributing Cartoonist
Webmaster
IT Guys
Mark “Rectangle” Sheridan
Dave “Dances” Ricketts
Carlie “You can do it” McCann
Pansee “Fromage” Atta
Evelien “Slasher” Heijselaar
Pansee “Other-Seed” Atta
Evelien “Make it up” Heijselaar
John “Jokes is him” Pangalos
Isabel “Pandemic” Zaw-Tun
Adam “And” Sniderman
Alex “Trubulent” Crosby
Adam “Beaker” Sniderman
On The Cover
Dah-duhn. Dah-duhn. Dah-duhn
dah-duhn
dah-duhn-dah-duhndah-duhn-dah-duhn-dah-duhn-dah-duhn
dah-duhn-dah-duhn-dah-duhn-dah-duhn dah-duhn-dah-duhn-dah-duhndah-duhndah-duhn-dah-duhn-dah-duhn-dah-duhn! Duhnnnnn...
Wordsday, November 26th, 2008
GOLDEN WORDS
Page 3
Dolphins, and How
to Defeat Them
Author’s note: no animals were harmed in the writing of this article.
Unfortunately.
Be very careful because dolphins can blend in well with ordinary people on
the street. Take note: if someone you are talking to has beady eyes,
is shiny and wet-looking, and has something that resembles a
dorsal fin, they could very well be a dolphin. Alternatively,
they might have an explosive adrenal medulla neoplasm. In
either case, RUN.
So, kid, I hear you need protection. Dolphin protection. Well,
let me tell you, that’s a kind of protection everybody needs,
what with dolphins violently roaming the streets of giant
metropolitan cities nowadays.
Never engage a dolphin in a knife fight. Dolphins have
no fingers and therefore cannot hold knives, which will
cause it to become frustrated, bellicose, and likely to
charge at you, fuelled by Sea-Rage™. Knives will be
useless to you now.
First of all, every dolphin has a weak spot. In other
words, every dolphin has a missing scale somewhere
on their belly. If you can get yourself a magical arrow
and you are a master marksman, then you’re all set.
If not, you’re in trouble, because shooting a magical
arrow at a dolphin without significant skill will only
result in tears. Your tears, that is. Everyone knows that
dolphins, being cold and heartless creatures, cannot cry.
They also have no tear glands. (Sure, they have tear ducts,
but those are just for decoration. You know, mating dances
and whatnot.)
According to an old wives’ tale, if you stomp on and
subsequently squish a dolphin, it will spray its eggs
everywhere and you’ll end up with even more dolphins
than you started with. Don’t do this.
Once you’ve caught your dolphin, you can make it docile by
serenading him/her. “Harvest Moon” and “Son of a Preacher Man”
both work nicely, but under no circumstances are you to sing “I Shot
the Sherriff ” or anything by Dolly Parton. This will result in chaos.
Dolphins are impervious to fire. That being said, setting a dolphin on
fire will slow it down significantly.
I’m sure you’re wondering what would happen if a dolphin were to discover the
power of flight. I guess that’s interesting and all, but seeing as that would never
happen, you must be a pretty stupid kid and I’m just going to ignore your stupid
question.
If all goes well and this succeeds, soon all dolphins on Earth will become our
obedient slaves. I’m looking forward to it. I mean, dolphins are evil and everything,
but they make fantastic quiches.
I Hate Dolphins
Top Ten Ways to Pick Up Totally
Hot Babes
1.
Punch the guy she is talking to right in the face. Remark on how that helped
to relieve the pressure of your high-paying job.
2.
Sit in the darkest corner of the room away from everyone else. Give her
frequent teary-eyed looks of loneliness. Loudly cry out her name.
3.
Stand next to her and swoon. Position yourself so she can catch you.
4.
If #3 fails, lose weight.
5.
Impress her with your interpretive dance abilities. Express your deep longing
for her with as many phallic props as possible.
6.
Put on your best Barack Obama voice. Say things like. “Going out with me is
change you can believe in,” or, “YES WE CAN have dinner tomorrow”.
7.
Stare intently at her until you catch her eye. Don’t ever look away.
8.
Challenge her boyfriend to a fight to the death. After winning, console her.
9.
Pick her up and smash her into a frozen pond. Wittily remark on how you
just “broke the ice.”
10. Impersonate Tom Williams. Offer to return homecoming for just one
dance.
The Flying Walrus
GOLDEN WORDS
Page 4
Volume 43, Issue 13
Effervescent Penny Whistle
Advice from Dad
(A pubescent teenage boy with girl troubles
has turned to his Dad for advice.)
Boy: (emotionally scarred)
Ewwwwwww!
Boy: Dad, I need some help.
Father: I know just what
you’re going through,
son. When I was your
age I thought girls were
just lumpy alien space
monsters Hell-bent on
giving us cooties. But
you see, once I grew up
I realized that cooties
were just regular STIs
and girls were actually
really neat.
(The wizened father puts his pipe and
newspaper down before slowly getting out
of his wizened old oak chair and giving his
full attention to his son.)
Father: Well, son, how can I help?
Boy: There’s this girl–
Father: (interrupting) Ahhh! I know just
what to show you.
(The father goes down to the basement and
digs up an old Plastinated female body he
stole during his more exuberant youth. He
shows it to his son.)
(He pokes the body with a
stick.)
Father: You see, this is the “uterus,” and
when the woman becomes pregnant
it expands to about twice the size of
your head! You could fit
a whole football in there
when it’s fully inflated.
In fact, I bet you could
make a football out of one.
Actually, I think that’s
exactly what the pioneers
did. Now, let me go find
some pictures of your
own birth to ensure you
get the point.
(The Father goes back down
to the basement and digs up
a slide projector. He dims the
lights and gives his son some
popcorn.)
Father: This is a picture of your mother’s
canal being held open with clamps just
an hour before she birthed you through
it.
Boy: (terrified) Mom?
Father: Haha, yup. That old bitch is
quite the succubus if you know what I
mean.
(He winks and elbows his son. His wife
serendipitously walks into the room at
that moment. The son, still looking at his
mother’s gaping canal projected on the wall,
panics and runs. He is ultimately able to
resolve his girl problem: the super muscular
girl that had been picking on him was forever
scared off by his newly developed dead eyes
and nervous twitch.)
Effervescent Penny Whistle
Wordsday, November 26th, 2008
GOLDEN WORDS
Page 5
www.coursecram.com
Don’t just study hard for your exams,
study smart!
Check out our classroom prep sessions
You get 12 hours of classroom instruction
(split into 2 or 3 parts) from an expert instructor that includes a thorough review of
key concepts and lots of practice questions. There’s no better way to prepare.
COURSE
BOOKLET
At each of our prep sessions, you also get:
Course Cram Course Booklet
• The “perfect study guide” customized to your exact course
• Concise summary of everything you need to know
• 100s of practice problems with full solutions
OFFE R I NG PR E P SESSIONS FOR:
Apsc 111
Apsc 131
Apsc 171
Biol 102
Comm 111
Chem 112
Chem 281
Econ 110/111
Math 121
Math 126
Phys 107
Psyc 100
Space is limited. Register today and reserve a spot at:
www.coursecram.com
Page 6
GOLDEN WORDS
Volume 43, Issue 13
Wordsday, November 26th, 2008
GOLDEN WORDS
Page 7
Napping in Extreme Situations
(Inside a pharmaceutical laboratory, a new sleep-inducing
drug is being tested. A group of scientists are standing
behind a long, thick, one-way mirror, observing various
extreme situations in a series of rooms.)
Scientist #1: We’ve got two people in each room. One
has taken our new super drug, and another was given
a sugar pill. Your job is to simply record how well our
new drug performs in various environments against
the fake.
Scientist #2: You mean for this room right here we
would have to note that your product is keeping the
drugged subject asleep while the control subject is
banging madly on the glass and screaming for help?
(He gestures to the room labelled “Bagpipes in Heat.”)
Scientist #1: Exactly.
***
(One room labelled “Crazy-Ass Cats” has a dozen hungry
cats clawing at the subjects, who have been soaked in catnip
and barbeque sauce.)
Control Subject: Ouch! Ouch! Just stop it! Just leave
me alone! Let me sit in this corner in peace! I’ve got
to be here for another hour!
(He pries a clinging cat off of himself as another flies at him
with catnip-induced intensity.)
Cat: MEORWRRRR!
Control Subject: ARRRRRG!
Drugged Subject: (snore)
(A kitten suckles gently at the sleeping subject’s teat.)
***
acid, consumes him from the inside out and ignores the other,
apparently dead, drugged subject.)
Drugged Subject: (quietly snores)
(Several observing scientists exchange money.)
***
(Like most medications, the sleeping drug is not meant
to be used by people who operate heavy machinery. In a
separate hallway testing the new non-drowsy version of
the medication, the two subjects are operating forklifts and
performing dexterity tests.)
(In another room decorated as a beach, a troupe of extremely
sexy ladies are playing volleyball. The control subject is
enjoying himself immensely while the drugged subject
snoozes.)
Control Subject: (failing) God damnit!
Extremely Sexy Lady #1: Tee-hee!
(The control subject topples the crate he was supposed to
lift. The drugged and sleeping subject is slumped over in the
chair of the machine but is operating it flawlessly. He lifts a
baby seagull off the ground, puts it back in its nest, flips a
pancake and cuts a watermelon using the machine.)
Control Employee: (crying) This is the best job of my
life.
Drugged Subject: (waking up) Huh! Wuh?
***
(In a distant room titled “Death Match” the control subject
is looking around curiously when a side door opens and
a genetically engineered giant spider with razor-sharp
mandibles charges out. As the control subject dives out
of the way, he picks up a conveniently-placed sword and
looks for a weak spot in the spider’s super-chitin armour.
The spider, catching him unawares with a blast of paralytic
Extremely Sexy Lady #47: Tee-hee!
***
(Thirty small children who have been given a diet of cabbage
and beans are suspended from the roof of the smallest room.
They are slowly puking on the residents below.)
Drugged Employee: (snooze)
Control Employee: (madness)
Effervescent Penny Whistle
Page 8
GOLDEN WORDS
Volume 43, Issue 13
ELSEWHERE...
quail juice
Wordsday, November 26th, 2008
GOLDEN WORDS
Page 9
I Hate Dolphins
Page 10
GOLDEN WORDS
Volume 43, Issue 13
News World
Wordsday, November 26th, 2008
GOLDEN WORDS
Page 11
OF
THE
It’s Really Cold Out Here,
Researchers Say
The kidnapper faces several years in a juvenile prison,
and a lifetime of coal in his stocking.
After careful, repeated observation over time, an
intrepid group of graduate students have finally
gathered enough evidence to confirm that it is
really, really cold out here. They have thoroughly
demonstrated that water is freezing just fine, that every
thermometer to be found is reading below-freezing
temperatures, and that grad students left outside for
extended periods of time are suffering from frostbite,
and, in the case of one student attempting to measure
the temperature of Lake Ontario, hypothermia.
Ontario Professors Announce
Exams Cancelled
“Now the question arises,” write the researchers in
their report, “Will someone please let us back in our
labs?”
Santa Found Tied Up
in Local Child’s Basement
A covert international investigation was finally
brought to a close last Saturday when Kingston’s finest
detectives discovered Santa Claus tied up in a local
basement. Mr. Claus had gone missing two weeks ago
while stepping out for some milk, leaving Mrs. Claus
and the elves to worry for 24 hours before alerting
ten different intelligence agencies. “We originally
suspected an abduction motivated by jealousy,” an
anonymous investigator said. “When the investigation
on the Easter Bunny became a dead end, we moved
on to the Tooth Fairy.”
But it was the Kingston Police force that found Santa
first. According to chief investigator Steve Lookit,
“We became suspicious when the kidnapper ordered
forty kilos of gingerbread.” And the kidnapper? An
eleven-year-old boy, angry after opening one too many
brightly wrapped packages full of warm, woolen
socks. Santa, weak after two weeks of living on cookies
and milk and being forced to watch A Christmas Movie
168 times in a row, was unavailable for comment.
In Universities across Ontario, professors are cancelling
their exams. Why? “It’s just been way too long since
we had a snow day,” according to Dr. Laissefaire, who
teaches Classical Literature at Carleton University. “Do
students really want to take these things? No. Do we
really want to mark these things? No. So everyone can
just forget about it.” Concerns have also been raised
about the validity of the examination process as a
measure of students’ performance. “We thought about
it for a while, and decided it was silly to base 50% of
our students’ marks on one three-hour test,” said Dr.
Hebbian, a professor of Psychology at the University
of Toronto. “Instead, we’re going to base marks on the
students’ performance in the Intercollegiate Snowball
Fight this weekend. Losers fail.”
Student Learning Centres across Ontario have reacted
to this announcement by forming snowball groups
for the purpose of helping their members annihilate
all opposition in a way that encourages academic and
personal growth. However, rumours have popped up
regarding a group of engineering students attempting
to sabotage the competition through the use of really
powerful hair dryers.
Hamartia Delafeegle
Joe Biden:
The Forgotten One
Democrat:
Ladies and
gentlemen, I
present to you
the PresidentElect of the
United States
of America —
Mister Barack
Obama!
Crowd: Hooray!
Our hero!
Barack Obama: Thank you, thank you. But before
you go and form a personality cult around me, allow
me to thank someone special. He’s my number-two,
my biggest supporter and a really great guy. I am of
course talking about…
Joe Biden: (gasps expectantly)
Barack Obama: …Nicolas Sarkozy, mon meilleur ami!
He’s here via satellite to greet us all.
(A giant screen lowers in front of Joe Biden, blocking him
from everyone’s view and preventing him from seeing the
French president’s humourous antics.)
Joe Biden: Aw, geez!
***
Golden Words writer: Hey, editor! Could we poke fun
at John McCain in this issue?
Golden Words editor: Be careful there, sonny. John
McCain is a war veteran and a venerable old man.
Golden Words writer: You’re right, I completely
forgot. Hmm… well, could I write something about
Joe Biden?
Golden Words editor: If you can think of anything
funny about him.
(Nothing about Joe Biden is published in that issue of
Golden Words, or any subsequent issues. Joe Biden’s hopes
are crushed every Wednesday.)
***
Santa Claus: Jacqueline Bédard, you’ve been a good
girl. Have a trip to Montreal to spend the day singing
with Céline Dion!
Jacqueline: My wildest fantasy come true! Thanks,
Santa!
Santa Claus: Jeremy Bidder, you’ve been a good boy.
Have a puppy that poops out fluffy cotton balls.
Jeremy: Holy moly Santa! You’re awesome!
Santa Claus: Joe Biden, you’ve been a good boy. Have
a healthy dose of appreciation from the American
public.
Joe Biden: Really? For me, Mister Claus? You’ve made
my day!
Santa Claus: Oh, wait, are you Joe Biden, Senator from
Delaware? Sorry, I’m looking for Joe Biden, schoolchild
from Iowa.
Joe Biden: No, Santa! Please! I need this.
Santa Claus: Tough nuggies, Biden.
(Joe Biden, aged 6, is celebrated in all fifty states with
parades and holidays. Joe Biden, aged 66, pouts in his room
at home.)
***
Barack Obama: I do solemnly swear that I will
faithfully execute the office of President of the United
States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve,
protect, and defend the Constitution of the United
States, so help me God.
Twenty-one guns: Bang! bang! bang! (etc.)
Barack Obama: So, what comes next?
Officiating justice: Now we swear in the vice
president. Um, who is your vice president?
Barack Obama: For my first act as President, I hereby
abolish the office of Vice President!
(Author’s note: I think I was going to write one more line,
but I forgot who this article is supposed to be about. Bill
Clinton, maybe?)
Barry Manilow’s coat
Page 12
GOLDEN WORDS
Top 10 Ways To
Survive the Holiday
Exam Season
Volume 43, Issue 13
Dr. Scrawlworthy’s Top 10
“How to Pass Finals” Tips
1.
Sleep through all of your lectures. You’ll want to be well rested for your
exams.
2.
Take brain-boosting drugs. (Note: Beer is not a brain-boosting drug. Beer is
an I-no-longer-care-boosting drug.)
3.
Show up to the exam room, as attendance is worth 50% of your mark. This
isn’t actually true; you actually have to write something, but that’s a bit easier
to do if you’re actually there.
1.
Hunt down one of Santa’s elves and tickle the crap out of him.
2.
Take a bubble bath – this won’t eliminate the stress of exams or the holidays,
but it sure will make you smell nice!
3.
Walk around in circles. The circular motion almost makes you feel
productive.
4.
Become someone you’re not. Preferably someone who knows the subject
inside out.
4.
Have a party in which you re-enact various scenes from Home Alone with your
friends. Just make sure you dibs the part of the bratty kid.
5.
Staple several $20 bills to the back of your exam. Conceal this blatant bribery
by using the bills for rough work.
5.
Find a bunch of those boxes of food going to the homeless shelter and have
yourself an eating bonanza!
6.
Become pen pals with an expert in your field. During the exam, send him or
her your questions.
6.
Build an army of snowmen by creating a snowman activation machine.
7.
Ask your professor what will be on the exam. Repeat until you get results.
7.
Write IMPOSTER on the side of Santa’s float for the upcoming Santa Claus
parade.
8.
Eat healthy, balanced meals. This way if you vomit in the exam, it will not
cost you as many marks.
8.
Booby trap the stage at a children’s holiday pageant.
9.
9.
Keep a watchful eye out for charitable people. If they don’t see you, you don’t
have to feel guilty.
Bake some cookies. This won’t help you pass your exams, but it will be a
useful skill when you fail.
10. Avoid the plague.
Zelda’s Alias
10. Buy Dr. Scrawlworthy’s $100 How to Pass Finals™ audio book (now available
on blu-ray!).
The Cat’s Pants
The Art of Art
Well hey there! My name’s Art, Art Spungler, and I have decided to give this whole
art thing a try. After years of confusion – i.e., people mistaking Arthur Spungler
the person, with art, the abstract creative concept – I’m going to become one of
these so-called “artists.” I guess it’s understandable, though. Heck, I have difficulty
distinguishing between us sometimes, especially because we kind of look similar
and are the same height.
I started out like everyone else: the down-with-nature, hard-core way, with several
buckets of raw paint and my bare hands. I had a lot of fun, but nobody wanted to
pay for my finger-paint dinosaurs, especially not when I was charging upwards
of ten thousand dollars for each. I also claimed I was a blind ten-year-old from
Samoa, and when people found out that I am, in fact, thirty-three year old Art
Spungler, I was labelled a “fraud.” People are so technical.
I became more refined and painted realism for a while, but nobody was interested
in that either. I told myself not to worry; my paintings were superb. Heck, you
could taste those oranges, be warmed by those sunsets, and fall in love with that
naked lady. It was a shame nobody bought them, but I suppose in some spots I
didn’t use enough paint and you could still see the numbers. Someone wanted the
naked lady one, but I kept it because I liked it, and also because those special-edition
playboy paint-by-numbers are hard to come by.
I decided to shift my focus and sculpt things,
but that wasn’t easy. You know how they say
that to make a sculpture of an elephant,
you take a big chunk of marble and cut
away everything that doesn’t look like an
elephant? Well, it turned out nothing on my
chunk of marble looked like an elephant,
and I all I ended up with was a pile of
marble dust.
Finally, I gave photography a shot. I took
inspiration from my one quasi-successful
previous endeavour (the naked lady paint-by-
number) and it was quite the smash hit. At last, I was getting the credit I deserved
– until my next-door neighbour visited one of my exhibitions. Now she closes her
curtains all the time, and not only am I now out of material, but the lawsuit cost
me all of the money I made in my art shows.
Ah well. Such is the price of art. Art the concept, that is, not me, Art Spungler, the
person. I like to think I’m worth a lot more than $17.50.
I Hate Dolphins
Wordsday, November 26th, 2008
GOLDEN WORDS
Page 13
Page 14
GOLDEN WORDS
Volume 43, Issue 13
Confessions of an Elf
December 1
Today we made toy trains and I decapitated all of the little toy conductors. Santa
would murder me if he found out. His favourite Christmas movie is Gremlins –
he keeps a blender in his office. Sometimes he likes to sneak up behind us and
make whirring sounds. I need to find a new job.
December 5
I liked the years when pogs and pet rocks were popular. Do you have any idea
just how difficult it is to wire an X-Box? I tried to make one of those the other
day and wound up making a perpetual motion machine instead. Why’d they
have to make this crap so complicated?
December 10
I painted all the stripes on the candy canes backwards today to play with Santa’s
fat, gluttonous mind.
December 12
Today Harry and I threw a sack full of convulsing Elmos into Santa’s office
‘cause we couldn’t get them to shut off. The way those things laugh reminds
me of Santa when he picks which kids have been naughty. Do you know that
every year he gives little Tommy Brown a shiny new dog collar and a box full
of premium-grade dog biscuits? Tommy’s dog was run over three years ago on
Christmas day.
munchkin in the
blue gingham
dress….
December 24
The reindeer
arrived in the
mail today.
Every fall
we get a new
shipment of
reindeer, and every
Boxing Day Santa has
another venison feast.
December 25
This is the only day we don’t have to work. I stole a beautiful
doll yesterday. She’s exactly the same size as me and can open and shut her
eyes all by herself! When I stroke her cheek she says, “I love you, Mommy!” and
“Ooh! That tickles!” Sexy.
December 31
A new year is upon us. My New Year’s resolution is to finish Operation Blunt
Instrument, my dastardly plan to eliminate that jolly bastard once and for all.
December 17
If I could ask for one thing for Christmas it would be true love. Once, a very
long time ago, I saw The Wizard of Oz. I still have dreams about the little
Everybody loves chocolate
Wordsday, November 26th, 2008
THIS IS FOR
GOLDEN WORDS
2500 ENgiNEErs.
100 spots.
REAL
ENviroNmENtal
dEvElopmENt
committEE
The Environmental Development
Committee aims to conceive and execute
environmentally conscious projects
based in the Queen’s community,
promote awareness on campus of
current environmental issues, and
petition Queen’s to adopt more
environmentally friendly practices.
We are hiring early next term, so if you
are inspired by sustainable initiatives
and want to make a difference for your
planet, keep an eye out for applications
in January!
The Conference on Industry and
R e s o u r c e s : Q u e e n ’s U n i ve r s i t y
Engineering presents CIRQUE 2009:
Extreme Engineering. On Friday
January 30 and Saturday January 31,
no fewer than 12 professional engineers
from industry and resources will come
to Kingston to speak about the extreme
things they do and how they got there.
The conference includes all meals,
including two excellent banquet dinners
with wine, transportation to and from
the venues - Confederation Place Hotel
on Friday and Portsmouth Olympic
Harbour on Saturday - and unlimited
access to all of the wonderful speakers,
all for $40 if you sign up before the end
of term!
Page 15
Top Ten Things to Say to
the Person Who Found
You in Their Closet
1.
Peek-a-boo!
2.
Whoops! Wrong closet! Do you know where I can find Laura?
3.
CHAAAARGE!
4.
I knew that I’d find you if I waited here long enough.
5.
Control-alt-delete! Control-alt-delete!
6.
I understand how this must look. I swear, all I was going to do was watch you
sleep.
7.
For more information visit our website
at www.queenscirque.com or stop by 8.
our Info Booth in the ILC lobby between
10 and 2 Wednesday to Friday until the
end of term. Get your career in gear – 9.
attend CIRQUE 2009!
10.
I knew I should have hid under the bed.
(If you’re in a low-budget horror movie) Now it’s your time to hide! (brandishes a
large scythe)
(If you’re in a low-budget porn movie) Mmm… sex!
Hey, didn’t you ever learn to knock?
Horf
KINGSTON’S FAVOURITE
VIDEO STORE
Over 25,000 DVD & Blu-ray
movies available to rent.
Wednesday
Fooseball league sign up! Come on down to sign up for the CHPFL and
practice up for next semesters competition. Grand prize is a brand
spankin new Fooseball table!
Thursday
40 Clarence Street
613-542 3900 classicvideo.ca
Sens/Leafs go head to head to battle it out. Come check out the
game on 2 projectors and 3 screens. We got goal sirens, all request
tunes during commercials, and $3.25 cans of Grasshopper! Great
live music kicking off after the game.
Friday
The holidays are here, so break out your favourite holiday spirit and
come celebrate the arrival of the break at RITUAL!
Monday
Leverage Your Education
and Advance Your Career.
Algonquin College graduate certificate programs leverage your
degree or diploma with programs in the fields of:
• Advanced Technology
• Business
• Health and Community Studies
• Hospitality and Tourism
• Language
• Media and Design
• Police and Public Safety
For more information on graduate certificates visit
algonquincollege.com/gradcerts
If you are interested in jump starting your education, check out the
Winter 09 program offerings at algonquincollege.com/january09
It’s December 1st and Clark Hall Pub is hosting a night of great friends,
fun and sweet sweet sweaters. Come celebrate with us as we throw
it down with Santa who will be grabbing great pics all night long.