CHILD DEVELOPMENT INFORMATION &
TIP SHEET:
“SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS”
Disclaimer: The following information was compiled for First Five LA Parent Helpline from reliable
sources. It is for informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. The information
does not cover everything related to the topic and may not apply to all individuals.
GENERAL INFORMATION
Throughout childhood, competition, jealousy, and fighting between brothers and sisters -- known
as sibling rivalry -- is normal and common. While most siblings go on to develop friendly
relationships and teach each other important social skills, these arguments can be frustrating and
stressful to parents.
Sibling conflict occurs for many reasons. Sometimes brothers and sisters have difficulty sharing
their parents’ attention and sometimes they don’t yet know how to resolve conflict. Fortunately,
parents can say and do many things to help ease the tension and conflict between their children and
help each child develop confidence and a sense of belonging.
See the end of this Information Sheet for a section on things parents can do to make it easier for
older children when a new baby comes home.
TIPS FOR HELPING YOUR CHILDREN GET ALONG BETTER
Here are some simple things you can do to help your children get along better with each other:
WHENEVER POSSIBLE, DON’T GET INVOLVED
Listening to your kids bicker and argue is never pleasant. But, whenever possible, unless someone is
getting hurt, try not to get involved. Usually when parents intervene, they protect one child (often the
youngest) against the other (often the oldest). Then the conflict gets worse because the oldest feels
resentful and the youngest feels as though he or she can get away with more. Ignoring the arguing will
allow your children to learn how to work out their problems on their own.
SET GROUND RULES
Sit down with your kids and have them help you make up the family rules. For example: no yelling, no
pushing, no grabbing, and no teasing. Have them help you come up with what will happen if anyone
breaks the rules. This approach will help kids take responsibility for their actions, and you will avoid
constantly arguing with them over what they are allowed or not allowed to do.
CHANGE SCHEDULES
If there is a time of day when your children usually argue, change your routine, add a snack, change
meal times, or plan an activity for them to do separately. Such changes can avoid the problem altogether.
USE A TIMER
When kids want to play with the same toy, tell them that each one can have 10 minutes alone with the
toy, but they will get more time with the toy (for example, 30 minutes) if they can play together.
CREATE A PLAN FOR TAKING TURNS
If your children argue about certain activities such as who gets to push the elevator button, choose
what to have for dinner, or sit in a certain car seat, create a plan for taking turns for these desired
activities.
Sibling Relationships, p. 1
Rev. 3/7/2008
AVOID COMPARISONS
Children want to be their own people and don’t want to be defined by their brothers or sisters. Instead
of saying, “You ride that tricycle almost as well as your brother now,” just focus on one child: for
example, “You really ride that tricycle well. Look at you making turns and staying on for so long!”
TREAT EACH CHILD UNIQUELY; NOT NECESSARILY EQUALLY
Children often notice which child is getting more of something they want. For example, a child might
say, “Jeffrey got more cookies than I did.” Instead of arguing or trying to give exactly the same amount
to each child, try just focusing on what each child wants. For example, “Well, I’m giving out up to 3
cookies, how many cookies do you want?”
GIVE KIDS THEIR OWN SPACE
Older siblings can get tired of younger ones always tagging along. Make sure kids have their own
space and some time to play by themselves without having to share or be with their siblings.
NOTICE POSITIVE BEHAVIOR & GIVE LOVING MESSAGES
When you see your kids getting along, remember to make positive comments, such as: “I like how you
both are playing with that toy together.” This kind of praise can cut down on sibling squabbles.
HAVE FUN FAMILY TIME
When you spend time with your children doing something fun, such as playing ball or watching a
movie, children learn that family time can be peaceful and that everyone can have positive attention.
Fun family time can help reduce conflict.
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR KIDS ARGUE AND FIGHT
Ideally, the more you do or say some of the things above, the less conflict your children will have. But
when they do fight, below are some things you can do to help.
(1) Acknowledge their anger and state what you think each child is feeling.
“Okay, you both are really, really mad.” “Ben, you want to use that truck, and Sarah, you feel
like he’s had it long enough and it’s your turn.” Or, “Pablo, you’re very angry at Tyrone and
want to use that truck.” “Tyrone, you really want to play with that truck that Pablo was using.”
(2) Describe the problem.
“We’ve got a problem because there is only one truck.”
(3) Tell them you know they can work it out on their own.
Remember, when kids handle arguments on their own, they learn important skills like how to
work out solutions and how to see the problem from the other person’s point of view.
(4) Leave the room and let them work it out.
You may want to stay nearby to listen to make sure the argument ends and doesn’t get worse.
HELP YOUR CHILDREN HANDLE CONFLICT SITUATIONS
You can also help your children learn how to respond to sibling teasing and conflict. Ask them to
come up with ideas. Some suggestions include: ignoring the teasing, walking away, telling the teaser to
stop, or asking an adult for help.
AVOID BLAMING
It is not helpful to spend time on who is to blame for a fight that happened. An argument takes two
people, and both share some responsibility.
Sibling Relationships, p. 2
Rev. 3/7/2008
STOP DANGEROUS OR HURTFUL FIGHTS IMMEDIATELY
Fighting can be physically dangerous and harmful, but it can also be emotionally hurtful if children are
saying mean words to each other. Hurtful behavior, emotional or physical, needs to be stopped
immediately. Separate the kids. Only when they have completely calmed down, talk about what
happened and that hitting (or pushing, biting, etc.), or meanness (telling your brother he never should
have been born) is never okay. Use the consequences that you have planned previously (e.g., loss of
privileges like TV, earlier bedtime, time out, etc.).
Please see our companion Information and Tip Sheet, Dealing With Difficult Behaviors (Tantrums
and Aggression), for a detailed description of additional discipline strategies for aggressive behavior.
WHEN TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP
If you have concerns about the conflict between your children, talk to your doctor, who can help you
decide if your family would benefit from professional help. It may be time to get help from a counselor
or mental health professional if:
• the conflict between siblings often gets in the way of your daily routine
• any family member is in danger of physical harm
• the parents are starting to fight more because of the sibling conflict
• the fighting is making a child feel badly about him or herself or affecting any family member’s
emotional or psychological health
• any family members’ behavior seems extreme or different (because perhaps another mental
health problem such as depression could be involved)
BRINGING A NEW CHILD HOME
When a baby or new child comes to live with a family, children may feel excited to become a big
brother or sister, but also scared they will lose the attention they received before. The parent of a new
child can do several things to make it easier to introduce a new child to the family.
Prepare older siblings. Tell your child(ren) what to expect about the new baby. For example,
“At first the baby might cry a lot and won’t be able to do very much, but later he’ll be able to
do more and you can teach him all the things you know how to do.”
Meeting a new sister or brother for the first time. Meeting a new brother or sister for the
first time can cause anxiety in older children. Mom can hand over the new baby for another
adult to hold so that she can hug the older child(ren) when they first come to meet their new
sibling..
Attend to the feelings of other children. A new baby may receive a lot of attention from
friends and family. This can be hard for older children. Talk with your older children about
how much attention the baby is getting, so your older children know you understand how they
might feel.
Spend time alone with your other children. Young infants and children require a lot of
attention. Make sure you keep the routines of the older children the same, as much as possible.
For example, keep the bedtime routine the same and make sure your older children get some
time alone with you.
Sibling Relationships, p. 3
Rev. 3/7/2008
SOURCES
The following reliable sources were used in the creation of this tip sheet. Use of these resources by 211 LA County and by
First Five LA does not constitute a recommendation.
Child Development Institute. Handling Sibling Rivalry. Retrieved January 24, 2008, from
http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/sibling_rivalry.shtml
Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (1998). Siblings Without Rivalry: How To Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live
Too. Avon Books, NY.
Harkness, D. & Shroff Pendley, J. (2006). Sibling Rivalry. Retrieved January 23, 2008, from Kids Health for Parents
website: http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/sibling_rivalry.html reviewed by: Dan Harkness, PhD, LMFT,
and Jennifer Shroff Pendley, PhD
Spencer, P. (2007, November). Sibling Wars? 7 Trouble Spots And How To Keep The Peace. Parenting Magazine,
parenting.com.
Kyla Boyse, R.N. (2007). Sibling Rivalry. Retrieved January 24, 2008. University of Michigan Health System, Public
Relations & Marketing Communications, Copyrighted by the Regents of the University of Michigan, 1500 E. Medical
Center Drive Ann Arbor, MI, website: http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/yourchild/sibriv.htm.
[CRA USE ONLY: Search Terms]
Parenting Skills Development (PH-610.680)
Sibling Relationships, p. 4
Rev. 3/7/2008