Kathleen Williams
September 6, 1999.
Rough Draft # 2
Transitions
A week before school was out I began to regret ever attending it. Most of the people there made me sick. Everyday in the hallways, I had to rush to class trying to find room to walk in between all those students hogging up space in the hall. I had to listen to them shout and scream obscene words that made my ears and heart tremble in disgust. Floating pass these irritants, I would arrive in class.
Nearly dead from la st night’s four-hour calculus assignment, I take my seat thinking of how much better college is going to be. Leaving for college sounded exciting, and I could not wait to graduate. However, in less than a month after graduating I would soon regret my harsh feelings and want contact with all my friends and teachers. During the summer, my mind would come across all the good and bad times I spent in high school. I cherish all these memories! Mostly thinking of boys, I cried knowing I would sever contact with the boy I had liked for
3 years. Before moving into to college, I had wanted to go back to high school instead because I knew how to handle my life. I had goals and a sense of direction in life. Then I thought of all the opportunities that lie ahead in college. I decided to put away these precious memories and make room for future memories. After deep thought, I took a new writing book and began writing the story of my life over again. I then struggled over what to put in it.
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The character that I relate to in My Antonia is Jim Burden. His sense of devotion in his bucolic surroundings and deep love for Antonia is admirable to me because most single men cannot devote their attention to only one person and then compare all others with her as a standard. Although he never actually states his love for Antonia it is generally implied throughout the entire book. After being away from home for many years, Jim visits Antonia and finds her happily married with many children. I can feel in my mind how happy Jim might have felt at Antonia’s dinner table. He had loved all the country girls but none could compare to Antonia. I think that he had wanted to marry Antonia and be her true lover. But he made a decision to leave his old country life at home and start a new one in college. In high school, I had loved one person and never told him my true feelings. Of course we were good friends, maybe not as close as Jim and
Antonia were, but still Jim and I made the same decision to move away from home and concentrate on our studies. His transition was away from Antonia.
One of my transitions was away from Dave. Now that I reflect upon my many endless nights of tears, I regret my shyness.
After leaving high school I felt a sense of emptiness. When Jim leaves for college, he severs contact with Antonia and concentrates on his studies. But sometimes Jim and I both thought of the life we left behind at home. Thinking of mostly friends, we long to relive all those “good old days”. Then we compare our past to the present. It is completely different because we have changed in many ways. I no longer keep contact with all my acquaintances from high school. Jim
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rarely visited Black Hawk. My parents also seem far away in my life. Jim was farther away from his family in college. But we both felt alienated in college. Jim was a country boy in a refined classroom setting. Jim might have felt alone in the classroom because most of the students came from nice homes. I feel more lonely and different than Jim. Truthfully, I have not made any friends in college. I find myself staying in my dorm room spending more time on the computer than I ought to be. The lack of acquaintances for fun does not bother me. Most of meals are spent eating alone…but I am not the least bit bothered about being alone because I have dealt with it all my life. Being an only child I have had to take care of myself while my parents worked during the days or nights. Jim finds one good friend in college to keep him socially accepted. I still have not found one friend.
The most important transition that I have made when I started college was my sense of purpose. Everything in high school seemed so clear. I knew what my parents, peers, and I expected of me. Aiming to be valedictorian, I excelled in school. I joined almost every extra-curricular activity and won numerous medals, trophies, and other awards. These things gave me goals to achieve, and everyday I would study hard or work hard to achieve them. But in college, I feel lost in despair, not knowing where to go or what to do except for my classes. The only interesting class that I have is my computer class. But I am starting to like my core class, which is called the Human Experience. I hope to discover more about myself and the world through creation to death.
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I do not know what Jim Burden’s sense of purpose in life was, but I can only guess it was Antonia. He remembers on all the wonderful times he has spent with her and cherishes them as if they have only happened yesterday. At the end of the book, I sense J im’s disappointment with himself when he sees
Antonia happily married with many children. In some respects, Jim has not set and conquered his goals in life. Therefore, I feel that Jim is unhappy. While reading My Antonia I have realized the importance of setting goals and achieving them. Happiness takes both will and effort. But most of all happiness starts with a desire to change, a transition. Jim chose a different path away from his heart’s desires with Antonia.
While thinking of what to write in my new book of life, I look to the future.
Before coming to college my dad suggested that I write down all my goals that I want to accomplish in life and then look at it from time to time. I wrote a two-page list of goals. After showing them to my dad, he said that they would have to take a lot of hard work and time to accomplish them. I knew that I would have to change my life style and devote more effort into my studies. That sheet of goals is now posted on my bulletin board to give me strength to live each day with passion and reason. I am mentally ready for this transition. My sense of purpose is now clear. This sheet of goals reminds me why I live each day. I must live each day to achieve these goals of happiness.
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