English III Persuasive Writing Sample and Analysis
Read the information in the box below.
Some argue that our so-called information age is really an “interruption age.” With smart
phones in hand, we spend much of the day texting, tweeting, and surfing the Web. Rather than
concentrating on big issues, we fill our heads with the trivia and gossip that interrupts our
attention. So much information passes our way that we have trouble remembering any of it.
Think carefully about this question: Do you believe that instant communication is helping or
hurting us?
Write an essay stating your position on whether you believe that we live in an information age or
an interruption age.
Be sure to—
state your position clearly
use appropriate organization
provide specific support for your argument
choose your words carefully
edit your writing for grammar, mechanics, and sentences
Texting has become like breathing. We do it constantly and can almost not function without it. With
the huge amount of technology and instant communication we have today, our dependency on our
smart phones, computers, etc. has become detrimental to human beings. The vast amount of useless
information available to us has become harmful to us socially as well as intelectually.
The “information age” has changed the way we interact with each other. Our dependency on
technology to communicate with each other is so great that holding a simple conversation with a
person has become impossible. In restaurants and other public places, couples and groups of
friends have their phones out – texting, calling, twittering, facebooking, you name it. It’s become an
obsession. Not only have our toys affected the way we communicate, but they have also affected the
way we think.
People’s past times today are commonly spent on the internet or on their phones rather than
with a book or with family. We’ve lost interest in the things that stimulate our minds and turned our
attention towards things that preoccupy us, filling our heads with useless information. Our focus
has turned away from the beneficial and towards the unimportant.
As cool as modern technology may be, it has caused our world to change completely – and
not for the better. Our time has become constantly wasted.
Handwritten paper is 26 lines.
226 words
The prompt and student sample are published by TEA on their web site (search “Assessment
Conference.” It is embedded on a PowerPoint). The analysis is all the opinion of Gretchen Bernabei
(bernabei@aol.com) 1/10/12
My main question next, as a reader: So…what moves did the writer make?
How would this look as a text structure?
How Technology is Hurting Us
Truism
(how x is
bad)
one way it’s
bad (social
impact)
another way
it’s bad
(intellectual
impact)
conclusion:
another (shorter)
way to put how
bad it is
The prompt and student sample are published by TEA on their web site (search “Assessment
Conference.” It is embedded on a PowerPoint). The analysis is all the opinion of Gretchen Bernabei
(bernabei@aol.com) 1/10/12
What I highlighted or
notice
Opens with a punchy
simile
Main point
Restatement broken down
into areas (which will be
covered)
social impact (without
repeating the word “social”)
so many specific images
embedded into one sentence
sentence length varies
not only/but also transitions to
next paragraph
intellectual impact
(notice these words aren’t
repeated; they’re
illustrated with examples
instead)
Text
Texting has become like breathing. We do it
constantly and can almost not function
without it. With the huge amount of
technology and instant communication we
have today, our dependency on our smart
phones, computers, etc. has become
detrimental to human beings. The vast
amount of useless information available to
us has become harmful to us socially as
well as intelectually.
The “information age” has changed the
way we interact with each other. Our
dependency on technology to communicate
with each other is so great that holding a
simple conversation with a person has become
impossible. In restaurants and other public
places, couples and groups of friends have
their phones out – texting, calling, twittering,
facebooking, you name it. It’s become an
obsession. Not only have our toys affected the
way we communicate, but they have also
affected the way we think.
People’s past times today are
commonly spent on the internet or on their
phones rather than with a book or with family.
We’ve lost interest in the things that stimulate
our minds and turned our attention towards
things that preoccupy us, filling our heads with
useless information. Our focus has turned
away from the beneficial and towards the
unimportant.
Write Source pages
to look up for
exercises
persuasive
essay/argumentative
essay p.215
precision with
language
(detrimental)
Dependent clauses
p. 189
cumulative
sentences, p. 189***
compound
predicates, p. 758
varied sentence
length, p. 304
parallel structure,
p246-7, 426
parallel compound
prepositional
phrases
participial phrases,
p87-88
As cool as modern technology may be, it conclusions, p. 177,
Embeds the strength of the has caused our world to change completely –
235
opposing viewpoint into
and not for the better. Our time has become
the argument
constantly wasted.
Short ending sentence has
The prompt and student sample are published by TEA on their web site (search “Assessment
Conference.” It is embedded on a PowerPoint). The analysis is all the opinion of Gretchen Bernabei
(bernabei@aol.com) 1/10/12
voice (and power)
Other observations:
James Moffett: narrative = what happened; expository = what happens)
Discussion about the differences between “argument” and “persuasion”
On personal pronouns: this will put to rest the issue of personal pronouns…we/us count.
Syntax, sentence boundaries and spelling aren’t perfect, so they don’t need to be perfect to score a
4.
The prompt and student sample are published by TEA on their web site (search “Assessment
Conference.” It is embedded on a PowerPoint). The analysis is all the opinion of Gretchen Bernabei
(bernabei@aol.com) 1/10/12