Quotations from Thank You For Smoking
Nick (about the scientist working for the Academy of Tobacco Studies): He’s been
testing the link between nicotine and lung cancer for 30 years and hasn’t found any
conclusive results. The man’s a genius. He could disprove gravity.
Joey (to Nick): Please don’t ruin my childhood.
Nick (to Joey’s class): There will always be people trying to tell you what to do and what
to think … I’m here to say that when someone tries to act like some sort of expert, you
can respond, “who says?” … My point is that you have to think for yourself. You have to
challenge authority. If your parents told you that chocolate was dangerous, would you
just take their word for it? So, perhaps instead of acting like sheep when it comes to
cigarettes, you should find out for yourself.
Nick: That’s the beauty of argument, because if you argue correctly, you’re never wrong.
Nick’s boss (about cigarettes): They’re cool and available and addictive. The job is
almost done for us.
Nick: If I can convince just one of these kids to take up smoking, I’ve paid for my flight,
round trip.
Captain: Tell me, do you enjoy your current work, Nick?
Nick: Yes, sir. It’s challenging. If you can do tobacco, you can do anything.
Senator (about Nick): The man shills bullshit for a living.
Captain: Sometimes I feel like a Columbian drug dealer.
Heather: I want to know how you see yourself.
Nick: I’m a mediator between two sects of society that are trying to reach an
accommodation.
Heather: Interesting. My other interviews have pinned you as a mass murderer,
bloodsucker, pimp, profiteer, child-killer and, my personal favorite, “yuppie
Mephistopheles”.
Nick: Wow, that sounds like a balanced article.
Heather: Nick, why do you do this? What motivates you?
Nick (turning off the recorder): You really want to know?
Heather: Mm-hmm.
Nick: Population control.
Nick: Everybody’s got a mortgage to pay.
(Voiceover: The Yuppie Nuremberg Defense).
Heather: So is a mortgage that much of a life goal?
Nick: Well, 99% of everything done in the world, good or bad, is done to pay a mortgage.
Nick: Are you concerned at all about the, um, health element?
Jeff: I’m not a doctor. I’m a facilitator. I bring creative people together. Whatever
information there is, exists, it’s out there. People will decide for themselves. They should.
It’s not my role to decide for them. It’d be morally presumptuous.
Nick: I could learn a lot from this man.
Joey: Then can’t anyone just do that (be a lobbyist)?
Nick: No, it, uh, requires a … a moral flexibility that goes beyond most people.
Nick: Let’s say you became a lawyer, right. And you were asked to defend a murderer.
Now the law states that every person deserves a fair trial. Would you defend them?
Joey: I don’t know. I guess any person deserves a fair defense.
Nick: Yeah, well, so do multinational corporations.
Nick (to Heather): How can you do this to me?
Heather: For the mortgage.
Nick: And right there, looking into Joey’s eyes, it all came back in a rush. Why I do what
I do – defending the defenseless, protecting the disenfranchised corporations that have
been abandoned by their very own consumers.
Joey (about the Marlboro Man): Dad, how did you know that he would take the money?
Nick: You’d have to be crazy to turn down all that money. When I saw he wasn’t crazy, I
knew he’d take it.
Man in hearing (about skull and crossbones): The message is clear: if you take it, you
will die.
Man in hearing: By not using [the skull and crossbones] they are saying they want those
who can’t read English to die.
Man in hearing: Mr. Naylor … do you believe that smoking cigarettes, over time, can
lead to lung cancer and other respiratory conditions, such as emphysema?
Nick: Yes. In fact, I think you’d be hard pressed to find someone who really believes that
cigarettes are not potentially harmful… Sir, I just don’t see the point in a warning label
for something people already know.
Nick: Perhaps Vermont cheddar should come with a skull and crossbones.
Man in hearing: What about the children?
Nick: Gentlemen, it’s called education. It doesn’t come off the side of a cigarette carton.
It comes from our teachers, and, more importantly, from our parents. It is the job of every
parent to warn their children of all the dangers in the world, including cigarettes, so that
one day, when they get older, they can choose for themselves.
Senator: What are you going to de when he (Joey) turns 18?
Nick: If he really wants a cigarette, I’ll buy him his first pack.
Interviewer: But, in essence, aren’t you changing history?
Senator: No, I think we’re improving history.