Janice, a post-abortive woman writes:
I know I made the decision for a reason, and I know that my life will continue to
be “convenient” for the next few years as I prepare for motherhood properly. I
also know that a baby is too important a thing to happen by accident.
But all this knowledge and understanding and reasoning does nothing to heal the
raw wound of death that I have chosen to inflict upon myself. And that is the
worst part of all of this: the fact that I chose to kill my own child. How do you
ever forgive yourself for something like that? What kind of mother could I be if I
could do something like that to a life that I helped create?
All the normal fears run through my mind constantly: What if I never get a second
chance? What if I have a baby and there is something wrong with it? What if I
never feel life again?
Will I ever forget the devastation on the faces of the women who went through
abortions on the same day that I did? Their voices and their eyes and their stories
live with me like ghosts. The very word “pregnancy” fills me with intense pain,
and I don’t know how to escape this jail of madness I am locked in. I am just
dead, dead, dead inside!
A father writes:
My girlfriend had an abortion in 1986. She told me afterward she overheard the
nurse tell the doctor, “It was a little girl.” I am now in my early 40s, looking at the
young adults who would be my daughter’s age, possibly her friends. I am
horrified when I remember what I have done, and I am horrified when I remember
that I’ve forgotten her for a day, or a week, or more. I have confessed this to a
priest, etc., but at the end of the day, I will have to face that little girl, whom I
couldn’t be bothered to love enough to let her have a life she was entitled to and I
had no right to interfere with. I can’t imagine what I’ll say. Sorry somehow
doesn’t seem enough for the crime. And, no, I have never had another opportunity
for a child, not that another child would make up for what I’ve done. I suppose
whatever happens to me, I’ll deserve.
Stories like these are repeated year after year.
Post-Abortion Healing Workshop  Page 1 of 11
The Statistics of Abortion
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22 percent of all pregnancies end in abortion.
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1.2 million abortions are performed every year.
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1/3 of all American women will have an abortion by the time they reach 45.
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70 percent of women who have abortions identify themselves as Christian.
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47 million abortions have been performed since 1973.
In order to understand post-abortion grief you first have to understand abortion.
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Abortion is a traumatic event.
Abortion takes the life of an innocent human being.
Abortion changes the role of the mother from a child nurturer to a child destroyer.
Abortion goes against the very fiber of womanhood—it is an unnatural choice.
Abortion changes how a woman looks at herself, her relationships, and the world.
Abortion does not make a woman unpregnant, but the mother of a dead child.
Abortion is a major death experience that needs to be grieved. In abortion, a child
dies, but there is no wake or funeral.
Theresa Burke, in her book Forbidden Grief, states:
“As a society, we don’t understand abortion. We debate it. We pass laws about it.
We argue about it as a moral and political issue. But we don’t understand it as a
life-changing experience. In that latter regard, grief after an abortion is neither
expected nor permitted in our society.”
So where does the grief go?
Witness of the Crosses (statements placed on two crosses):
“David & Michael, I Love you, Mommy, I am Sorry, God Bless You”
“To My Sons, you are not forgotten. I’ll see you in Heaven.”
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Letter in the Bottle
Let me tell you a true story. It’s a beautiful fall day. A father and his son are relaxing, fishing in a
DuPage County, Illinois, forest preserve. The son slowly reels in his line waiting for a fish to
take his bait. All at once his bobber goes down and he shouts to his father, “I’ve got one.” “Reel
it in slowly,” the father replies. The son continues to bring his fishing line in and much to his
amazement—it’s not a fish, but a plastic bag. The father and son open the bag and inside is a
bottle. But more than that—a bottle with a letter in it. Excitedly, the father and son open the
bottle and read this letter.
Dear Baby Edgar,
I fell in love with your father the absolute second I saw him. He was the most
beautiful man I had ever seen. He helped me get through so many insecurities.
That only made me love him more. I’m telling you this first because I want you to
know that we loved each other. (Or rather, I loved him.) It didn’t matter to me that
he already had two kids—your half brother and half sister or that he was married
to someone else because I loved him so much and if I had it to do all over again
the only thing I’d change would be the abortion. I wanted to have you the second
I found out I was pregnant. It was your father that made me change my mind. He
didn’t want to leave his wife for anything. He kept claiming that he didn’t love
her and that he really loved us. He could never tell me what I should do with you.
When I saw how much pain he was in because he had to tell his wife about you, I
felt like I was dying inside. I knew that I had to give you up through abortion
because I couldn’t hurt the one I loved so much. I regret it because he’s the one
who so thoughtlessly hurts me now. I’m seeing a therapist now, Baby Edgar, to
learn to forgive myself for what I so needlessly did to you. I had the abortion so
Daddy could tell his wife and leave her with some dignity instead of just saying
he had an affair. I wish that you were still in me—you’d be 5½ months old by
now. I’d be getting ready to have you. I love you, Baby Edgar, and I’ll never
forget you for as long as I live. Sorry to say that I don’t think your Daddy cares
about us anymore. But I hope someday you and God forgive me enough for what
I’ve done and maybe I’ll see you in heaven.
I love you, Edgar,
Mom
When grief is not expressed and thus resolved, it can become internalized and that leads to PostAbortion Syndrome (PAS). Post abortion syndrome is a post-traumatic stress disorder that is
caused by the traumatic act of abortion. PAS is a term used to describe adverse emotional
reactions which occur following an abortion. As with other post-traumatic stress disorders, its
impact is often denied, its onset often delayed, and its symptoms often triggered by related (or
seemingly unrelated events or emotional stimuli) called triggers.
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The First Three Things to Understand:
1. PAS symptoms can occur anywhere from a few hours to many years after an
abortion. There are countless cases of women who have sought counseling more than
20 years after their abortion.
2. Not all women experience all reactions and not all women have severe reactions.
3. Many women are in serious denial of what happened and are seeking counseling
for secondary symptoms. You must ask the questions:
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How many pregnancies?
How many live children?
Any pregnancy loss? Miscarriage?
Are you sexually involved?
If you are fine, how come you’re such a mess?
How Does Abortion Hurt?
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Physical
Emotional
Spiritual
Physical—damage to the body created by abortion:
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Heavy or continued bleeding, menstrual disorders
Severe cramping
Infection, high fever
Intense abdominal pain
Risks after an abortion:
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Increased chance of breast cancer
Scarred uterus
Cervical trauma, lacerations
PID, uterine infection
Tubal pregnancy
Infertility, miscarriage
Death—including from cardiac arrest (Grace Kern, in 20 years of
counseling, has had three clients die from abortion due to loss of
blood, internal bleeding, hemorrhage, or severe internal infection.)
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What are “Emotional Triggers”?
These are events that remind one of the abortion and trigger an emotional response. An
emotional trigger is an event, person, or stimulus that sets off the emotional reoccurrence
of the abortion or its negative aftermath.
Trigger events can include having a baby or knowing someone who is pregnant; medical
procedures (e.g. gynecological exams, biopsy, D&C, premature hysterectomy); miscarriage, or
death of another’s baby; news programs about abortion; pro-life literature; or even Mother’s Day
celebrations. There are also triggers through the five senses:
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Hearing: sound of a vacuum cleaner (which resembles the noise made by the
suction machine used in an abortion); babies crying; a woman crying; the word
“abortion”; pro-life sermons. (Sermons must always offer forgiveness.)
Sight: the examination table or medical instruments in a doctor’s office;
menstrual bleeding; babies or pregnant women; fetal pictures; hallways; certain
colors; filling out forms.
Smell: a doctor’s office; blood; cologne or perfume worn by doctor or nurse.
Taste: first food consumed following the abortion.
Touch: gynecological exams/procedures; intercourse; being held by the arm
firmly.
Fear, guilt, and pain associated with post-abortion syndrome can be denied or pushed down, but
not indefinitely. They will “leak out” eventually through secondary symptoms, and often this
occurs as a response to an emotional trigger.
Women do not associate the trigger events with the abortion.
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Emotional—psychological damage caused by abortion:
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Guilt—cannot forgive self
Regret, remorse
Nightmares, fetal fantasies
Anger, rage at herself, God, parents, boyfriend
Lower self esteem
Crying, depression
Preoccupation with pregnancy issues and babies
Frigidity, hostility toward men, promiscuity
Despair, helplessness
Sleep disorders
Anniversary reactions
Suicidal tendencies
Repeated abortions
Secondary dependence on alcohol or drugs
Spiritual—Damage to woman’s relationship to God caused by abortion:
(This is very common—these women are in your pews.)
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I have committed the unforgivable sin.
I should not be involved in church.
If people only knew they would think I’m such a hypocrite.
God will punish me.
Healing is a spiritual journey through recognition of sin, repentance, and
receiving God’s forgiveness.
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Abortion and Men
What about men? Men suffer in abortion as well though their participation in the abortion
decision is different. They feel guilt because either:
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They abandoned the woman and child.
They forced the abortion on her.
They failed to protect their child. They wanted the child, but couldn’t save it.
They didn’t even know about the pregnancy and subsequent abortion.
Men have an image to uphold, they’re not supposed to show emotion, so they don’t come
forward as frequently, although that is starting to change.
They’re overcome with guilt, shame, and fear of exposure. Many suffer depression, anger,
anxiety, promiscuity, impotence, lack of trust (especially towards women), and substance abuse.
And like women they may not even be aware that their emotions are tied directly to the abortion.
They may continue their destructive feelings and behaviors, causing their families and careers to
suffer.
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The Healing Process: Recognize, Release, and Receive:
Recognize
 She must understand what she feels and that her abortion is the root cause of these
symptoms.
 She must understand that her symptoms are related to the abortion.
 She must be aware of the triggers—she must know what they are, that she will be
upset, but recognize that it is the abortion that is causing the symptoms.
 She must identify who she blames for wrong actions and why. Who is she angry
with?
 She must take full ownership of her actions, thoughts and feelings. She allowed this
to happen.
 She must acknowledge who her baby is—a human being who died. Abortion makes
her the mother of a dead child.
 She must understand that she will never forget her abortion or the child that died.
Release
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She must confess all unconfessed sin. This includes not only her part in the
abortion, but any sinful responses to the resulting anger she has felt. She may feel
anger at the abortionist, father of the baby, men in general, parents, friends, or
counselors because of their lies, encouragement or actions. They may be angry at
God for not stopping the abortion.
She must forgive, with the help of God, everyone whom she blames—parents,
God, boyfriend, husband.
She must admit that she is angry. Determine the source of the anger. Admit that
she has chosen to allow a situation to anger her. Desire to be free from the anger.
She must ask God to help her resolve the situation that led to her anger. She must
choose to walk away from the anger and not grab it back again. This is
accomplished by refusing to keep mulling over in her mind the circumstances
which led to becoming angry. It would help to understand that most offenders are
blinded themselves by ignorance or fear—that they were not intentionally trying
to hurt her when they encouraged her to abort. Many women get stuck at this
point.
She must allow herself to grieve over the loss of her baby. Mourning an aborted
baby is very difficult. There are no memories of experiences with the child. The
part she played in the death of the child causes guilt. Society does not equate her
loss as the death of a baby. There is no support from others through the grieving
process.
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Receive
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She must start seeing herself as God sees her. (Isaiah 43:25)
She must receive the assurance that all sin is forgiven. (Ephesians 1:7)
She must allow her trust in God and His mercy to transcend the sin of abortion.
Faith is essential—she accepts God’s forgiveness in other parts of her life—now she must
accept it for this sin as well. She needs to understand that being forgiven by God doesn’t
mean there are no painful emotions or memories. She will need to draw on God’s power
through Bible study, prayer and biblical principles to change the anger and bitterness into
love and peace.
What can your church do?
Understand:
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The many factors that lead women to abortion: pressure from others particularly
boyfriend, husband, parent; lack of information—they don’t know what abortion
is; lack of support—they don’t see how they can handle it. Many women feel they
have no choice.
What abortion does to people: the human suffering involves suicide, drug and
alcohol abuse, promiscuity, abuse of women and children.
Abortion has been legal for 35 years. Most people view it as a normal and viable
option. No one talks about the severe emotional and physical effects of abortion.
Talk about it. There are many people in our churches who are hurting in silence and in need of
your help. Encourage your church to talk about how people are seriously hurt by abortion.
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Pastors—preach it.
Have brochures accessible (Word of Hope and others).
Conduct a Bible study on the post-abortion issue.
Create an atmosphere of acceptance, forgiveness, and hope within your
congregation.
Be compassionate. Realize that it is easy to stand on principles when you’re not the one faced
with the life-altering consequences of a pregnancy. It is easy to say, “I would never have an
abortion,” until faced with a pregnancy that creates a crisis situation in your life.
Love them as fellow redeemed sinners.
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What can you do personally?
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Plant the seeds of understanding and empathy—watch your language.
Listen—establishing trust, understanding, responsibility, compassion, and
forgiveness.
How to help others:
DO
Do listen patiently. They are trying to sort out
their feelings. Verbalizing them with someone
who will listen helps. Expect and allow them to
repeat themselves and to bring the subject up
again later. Listen for clues to their deeper
feelings to which you can respond later.
Do reassure them that we all make mistakes. Our
sins can be forgiven. God in Christ has forgiven
us.
Do give them the toll-free number to Word of
Hope, the post-abortion healing ministry of
Lutherans For Life: 888-217-8679. If you don’t
have the number on hand, promise to get it to
them within the week. Then keep your promise.
Do show that you care by keeping in touch and
continuing to be a sounding board for them.
Make at least one follow-up call to see how they
are doing.
DON’T
Do reassure them that their feelings are normal.
Others have experienced the same thing and
found healing. Build up a sense of hope that they
can be healed and reconciled with God.
Don’t shut them off by changing the subject.
Do allow them to vent their anger toward others.
Remind them that it is a sign of an even deeper
hurt that lies beneath the anger. Encourage them
to get in touch with both the anger and the hurt,
which they need to do before they can “let go”
of their anger and approach forgiveness.
Encourage them to see that the people they
blame were also confused, scared, or just
looking for the fastest way out of a hard
situation.
Don’t deny that they lost a child.
Do allow them to regret their choice. Remind
them that we all learn from our mistakes.
Women and men who have found healing after
an abortion often become more humble,
compassionate, and sensitive. Even a negative
experience can be used to help others.
Do encourage them to entrust their child
completely to the grace and mercy of God in
Christ.
Don’t condemn them for making a bad or
immoral choice.
Don’t encourage them to blame others for the
abortion. But don’t push them to forgive others,
especially when they are in the initial stages of
venting their anger and rage.
Don’t insist that they did the “right thing” or the
“best thing” at the time.
Don’t suggest that having another child
“someday” can make up for the one that was
lost. Future children are a blessing and comfort,
but they can never replace the child who was
lost.
Don’t leave them without encouraging them,
over and over again, to find and accept the help
of post-abortion counselors or peer support
groups.
Don’t be afraid to follow up.
Post-Abortion Healing Workshop  Page 10 of 11
Abortion is a tremendous problem in our society and will continue to be so until we as a Church and as a
culture recognize that abortion is the killing of a child and what that act of killing does to the people
involved in an abortion decision. Our job as the Church is to pick up the pieces and be ready to offer
women and men within our congregations the acceptance, forgiveness, and hope that comes through our
savior, Jesus Christ.
Resources to help you:
Word of Hope, the post-abortion and abuse healing ministry of Lutherans For Life (Grace Kern,
National Director); 888-217-8679 (toll free) or 630-990-0909; www.word-of-hope.org.
www.fatherhoodforever.org
www.silentnomoreawareness.org
www.afterabortion.org
www.lutheransforlife.org
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