Version: 2
Client Name: John
Target School: Wharton
Essay Question:
Taking two years to pursue an MBA requires a considerable investment of time and resources.
Please describe the path leading to your decision to pursue a Wharton MBA now. How do you
expect the MBA experience to benefit you on both a professional and personal level? (1,000
words)
Essay Type: Future Goals / School Fit
Actual Word Count: 1135
Target Word Count: 1000
Second Submission of Essay with Editor’s Comments:
Since I first entered university, I have evolved from being convinced that an MBA was a
necessary part of my future, to believing that MBAs made careers of victimizing other
people, to realizing that an MBA truly will help me achieve my passion, which is helping
people in my native China. I am now passionate [Comment 1] about attending Wharton to
challenge myself with powerful business lessons that will help me grow as a leaders
[Comment 2] .
My alma mater offered an orientation program that offered [Comment 3] new admits
consultation on academic study, and more importantly,[Comment 4] early career plan. I was
excited to learn that the tests confirmed what I already expect [Comment 5] – that I showed a
strong ability in business. Starting that day, I pinpointed [Comment 6] MBA as an ideal
master degree to pursue following several years of solid work experience.
With plans made, I embarked on the trek by opting to major in international finance, in
addition to taking a broad spectrum of business-related electives including intermediate
accounting, economics and banking. Although most of the teaching materials [Comment 7]
derived from the communist time while [Comment 8] teachers still resorted to the stale
methodology of indoctrination, I looked forward to every class that gave me new insights into
how good business [Comment 9] function. I missed a chance to have [Comment 10] more
interactive learning environment and to be able to challenge the lessons that we were
taught, but the classes further solidified my plan to acquire a formal business degree.
Originally my career plan was simple: to excel at [Comment 11] workplace, get an MBA, and
then work as [Comment 12] top strategy consultant before settling down as an executive at a
corporation. I was happy with my career progress as an Information Technology consultant,
but it was not always smooth. While my project at International Media Corporation, my
second employer, was in high gear, the 9.11 tragedy reduced international travel to a
standstill. (For details, please see essay No. 2.) As if this were not enough, the ensuing
fiber-optic scandal in which International Media Fiber Optics [Comment 13] was involved,
worked perfectly as [Comment 14] the last straw—it forced our parent company to suspend
its China-based operation [Comment 15] , including my project. That meant that I was
unemployed.
For the first time in my life I needed to assess my career plan. I had done nothing wrong, but
the action of other [Comment 16] affected me and [Comment 17] put me out of job. Was this
what MBAs did? Did they ruin other people’s jobs? [Comment 18] For a time,[Comment 19] I
started to think that the business world was not where I would [Comment 20] be.
Over the next six months I got a much clearer picture of what I wanted to do. [Comment 21] I
gained experience in the UN initiative (for details, please see essay No. 3) and I reflected
upon the world at large. What did I want to do, other than plan for my next promotion or
consulting assignment? What did I want to be in twenty years? Consequently, this
experience allowed me to contribute to society and to learn more about what I
wanted.[Comment 22]
My work in [Comment 23] the UN substantially changed my view of MBAs. This time, I
started to perceive MBA [Comment 24] from a new angle—first and foremost, MBAs
[Comment 25] must be socially responsible before they can aspire to reap professional
achievements; otherwise they are still doomed to failure however smart they are. [Comment
26] This was again solidified by my acquaintance and mentorship, at the [Comment 27] UN
conference, with an investment banker turned philanthropist,[Comment 28] also the founding
chairman of the US-based Green Earth Institute. There were, and are, responsible people
and organizations after all. I realized that I could be earn an MBA and make an impact just
like those people!
Six months on, I headed back to the corporate world, confidence recovered. National Data
Systems (NDS) seemed an ideal place to start my career anew—I knew so the minute I saw
the receptionist for interview [Comment 29] — in lieu of charming girls [Comment 30] , a
disabled person handled the task. Later I learned this deep-rooted culture resulted from
NDS’s strong advocacy of handicapped-hiring. As for me, I further extend it to hiring
veterans in my department. Not only do I commit [Comment 31] social obligations, but the
department actually benefit [Comment 32] from their ultra reliability and diligence. In addition,
I volunteered as the department representative for the office health and safety initiative.
Mid 2004 will witness my department’s consummation [Comment 33] of a worldwide
business transformation project, to which I have been contributing as a IT consultant and
project co-leader. This is [Comment 34] perfect opportunity to see my current work to
completion and then embark on my new endeavor.
Upon graduation, I would like to join a top-tier IT corporation and rotate in different functions
in its leadership/executive development program at mid-management level. I see this ad
[Comment 35] being important for gaining the management experience that I will need for my
true long-term passion, which comes from my work in the UN. I want to help the
underprivileged in China.
Consequently, I plan on establishing an IT-based NGO in the long run. My business
experience gained from my post-MBA job will render me better positioned [Comment 36] to
contribute to this scenario—applying cost-effective technologies (only possible through my
experience with an elite technology firm) to improve the quality of life in communities that
have not changed in decades, if not centuries. After all, the betterment of the entire nation
cannot hinge upon the prosperity of but a number of regions or cities.
Based on my experience in consulting and the UN [Comment 37] I believe that managing an
NGO shares much synergy with running a for-profit business. The leadership experience
developed and social connections established in the business arena should be most
conducive to my long-term career aspiration. The end of my achievements in business will
ultimately find their way in the social cause. Yes, financial standing is an important
yardstick,[Comment 38] against which personal success is judged; however, it will be even
more fulfilling if I can share this success with the needy and bring benefits to them.
As the [Comment 39] leading business school, Wharton offers many lectures in addition to
[Comment 40] cases that prepare students for all kinds of real business challenges and
opportunities, which caters [Comment 41] well to my career aspiration [Comment 42].
Admittedly, Wharton is most famed for its strength in finance; however, it has, over the
years, [Comment 43] also produced a plethora of successful general managers. Having said
that, I [Comment 44] trust Wharton is where I can attack my weak link by brushing [Comment
45] up my financial skills, which I believe are indispensable to my career advancement later
on. “He is a sharp cookie, a natural leader just waiting to burst out of his shell”, goes the
comment on my first performance review. My communication with Wharton students and
alumni has fully attested to my belief that Wharton is the very school that will transform me
from a candidate to a bona fide leader of the future.
Content:
The essay sounds much better but is still over the word limit, so in some places I have
suggested eliminating words or phrases because they are not necessary in terms of the
point you are trying to make, not because they are “wrong” or sound “bad”. In a few other
places I have suggested less complicated wording or more straightforward sentence
structure.
In regard to the paragraph about MBA’s being doomed to failure if they are not socially
responsible, the world is full of examples of people who have achieved high levels of
success in terms of wealth and power, who are not all that socially responsible. This might
catch up with them, in the case of blatant disregard for the law. But there are a lot of
examples where people in business act well within the scope of the law when they prioritize
their company’s profits over what’s best for society, and they are rewarded with promotions
and higher salaries. Some of them might have remorse and/or change their course later, like
the investment banker you met at the UN, but I’m sure plenty of others will live very
comfortable, relatively happy lives and not feel any regret about the decisions they’ve made
– are they not then successful, in society’s eyes, as well as their own?? The reason I bring
this point up again, is that the statement is completely contrary to what you will find in
business school. Wherever you end up going, you will meet plenty of people who snicker at
people who are overly concerned with the social or environmental downsides of the free
market system – people who are proud to declare that their main priority in life is
accumulating as much wealth as possible, because that is the only outlook that makes
sense to them. Business schools are businesses, and they promote themselves by citing the
number of CEO’s and other top execs among their alumni – I have never seen them focus
on how many socially responsible execs they produce – simply having the title is enough to
be used as proof that their MBA program is a good one. So to me, the statement you make
sounds naïve – it is a nice thought, but not really tied to the reality that I experienced in
business school, and for that reason it rubs me the wrong way. And if it rubs me the wrong
way, it could rub an essay evaluator at Wharton the wrong way as well. I would strongly
suggest re-writing the paragraph in more personal terms – not that it is necessary for all
MBA’s to be socially responsible, but that you finally saw that there were MBA’s that had
their own socially responsible definition of success – you saw first-hand that the knowledge
and skills you’ll get from the degree can be put to good use in the non-profit sector. Show
that you managed to resolve your own personal conflict about your long-standing desire to
get an MBA and work in business, but don’t suggest that everyone getting an MBA will or
should experiences the same conflicts you did.
Content Rating: 4 (out of 5)
Parameters / Structure:
The structure has improved considerably – your goals are much clearer now, and the essay
flows more smoothly.
Parameters / Structure Rating: 5 (out of 5)
Grammar:
Overall it is very good – I have made more grammar- and usage-related corrections this
time, not because they are new, but because it made no sense to make them earlier when
the structure still needed so much work. However, they are mainly along the lines of
common mistakes with articles and agreement. It is definitely a good idea to clean it up a bit,
but not because it came across that you have any major problems – your grammar comes
across as sound, for a non-native speaker.
Grammar Rating: 4 (out of 5)
Use of “Situation, Action, Result” format (if applicable):
Much clearer than before!
Reflection on Target School:
It is still not very clear why Wharton would be the best choice for you, as opposed to other
schools. If you have time, please see my earlier suggestions – I think it would be worthwhile
refer to your desire to start an NGO as entrepreneurial and to cite Wharton’s strength in that
area as something that you would benefit from, given your long-term goal. However, the
essay is still too long – I’m not sure how many words the cuts I’ve suggested will take off, but
not enough to add another paragraph about entrepreneurship – it would have to be inserted
cleverly and concisely into the existing structure.
Reflection on Background:
No further comments here!
Rating Descriptions
Category
Rating
4-5
Content
3
1-2
4-5
Grammar
3
1-2
4-5
Structure
3
1-2
Description
The essay adequately answers all elements of the
essay and utilizes a fitting experience / example for
the question at hand.
The essay does not completely address the essay
and / or the experience / example used is not
compelling.
The essay fails to adequately answer a critical portion
of the essay and does not use a fitting experience /
example for the question at hand.
The essay has minimal grammar flaws, including
syntax, sentence structure and use of idioms.
The essay exhibits grammar flaws that should be
addressed, but do not affect “readability”.
The essay exhibits grammar flaws that detract from
the essay and do affect “readability”.
The essay flows well, is concise and meets the word
limit criterion.
The essay surpasses the word limit by a noticeable
margin and the essay would benefit from structural
improvement.
The essay is difficult to follow and the main points of
the essay are difficult to extract.