Bottom Series 1, Episode 5. 'S Up.
----------------------------------by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall.
Scene 1. The Flat.
------------------[A Sunday morning.
the
kitchen table.]
Richie:
hope
Eddie is watching the television; Richie is clearing
Land of hope and glory, something something else.
and glo- glo-
Land of
[He drops the plate he is scraping into the
bin.]
glory, that is where I live.
[He tips the bin out of the window.
Morning!
Land of hope and glory...
Dogs bark below.]
Ahh, what a lovely day!
God, I love Sundays.
Sunday
papers, stroll in the park, church, and back home for a nice
big
joint of good old English beef.
Strawberries and cream, a
spot
of tennis, and a smile in the heart of every true
Englishman.
Morning Vicar, lovely day!
Charming.
Somebody got out of
bed
the wrong side this morning.
Mind you, he got out of the
womb
the wrong side.
And the same to you with brass knobs on,
you
steaming great twat!
God, I do feel great today!
Ho-ooo,
the
Eddie:
Richie:
playing
English summertime, gets you right there doesn't it Eddie?
Eddie? Eddie! Have you ever seen such glorious sunshine?
Close the curtain, I'm trying to watch the TV.
Oh Eddie, don't be like that! We should be out there,
cricket!
Come on, it's Sunday, it's a day of rest!
Absolutely
Eddie:
Richie:
day!
Eddie:
exciting
Richie:
nothing to do for twenty-four hours.
It's a bit like every other day then really, isn't it?
Oh come on Ed-die, we can't sit around watching videos all
It's a lovely day, the bluebirds are singingLook, close the curtain, it's just about to get to the
bit! [Richie sighs.]
Right, right, OK.
[Richie pulls the curtain across.
Now!!
He sighs.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Have to
Well, this is great, isn't it?
Yes. It's just dandy.
I cooked you a breakfast, you know.
get the torch out.
Can't find it now.
[Calling softly.]
Breakfast!
Where are
you
Eddie:
Richie:
da da
Eddie:
Richie:
mistake
breakfast?
What is it?
It's your favourite Eddie.
I cooked you your - da da da da
daa! - Sunday fish finger!
But I don't like fish fingers.
Oh no, of course, you don't do you?
every Sunday don't I?
Huh, I make that
Oh well never mind, I'll eat yours
for
you.
Mmm-hmm-hmm!
[He chews, then realises it doesn't taste very good. Slyly he sniffs the
fish
finger. He turns his head aside and spits out his mouthful.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
just
Who's that, anyway?
Oh, that's Mother Bear.
I thought she was- I thought she was dead?
No, no, that's Mister Rabbit. Anyway he's not dead, he's
asleep in the Dingly Dell.
That's how he's missed his
birthday
Richie:
Eddie:
Honeypot
Richie:
Hussein
Eddie:
Richie:
nineteenth
Eddie:
in
tea, and why they're all out looking for him.
Hm. It's not very sexy, is it?
No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry
Adventure".
I think this is for kids you know Eddie!
I think those
brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get?
"Big Jugs". Hahahaha!
"Big Jugs"! All right! "A history of pottery in the
century." Anything else?
Well this one's a sure-fire hit.
Look.
"Swedish Lesbians
Blackcurrant Jam".
Richie:
Yabba-dabba-do! No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in
Blackcurrant
Jam Making."
Eddie:
Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"!
[Richie
shakes his head.] Oh, what a disaster! That's my whole
Sunday
ruined! I spent an hour chosing them, what a swizz! Oh
well,
maybe we should stick with "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".
You
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Bear.
never know, it might perk up in a minute.
Hey-up, look, here comes that rabbit again!
Whor, yup, well now he should be be on for a bit of action.
Yeah. I mean, he's a rabbit for Christ's sake!
Yeah!
Yay, yay, yay!
Right, here he goes, into the house, and... there's Mrs
Haha, go on my son!
Whup, he's creeping up behind her...
oh,
he's going to surprise her... and there go all the little
baby
bears.
And they're all singing "Happy Birthday"... and
having a
Richie:
says
Eddie:
Richie:
think
bit of a dance. It's not going to get very dirty, is it?
No... You can sort of tell that, can't you, by the way it
"The End".
Yeah... Well, I'm bloody sick, I don't mind telling you!
Well I'm rather glad they weren't dirty actually. I don't
that, as a Christian, I could look myself in the face whilst
watching a dirty video. I mean, it's Sunday for Christ's
sake- I
mean for Heaven's s- I mean for goodness sake.
masses all in church praising the Lord's name?
And are the
No, they're
all
down the vid shop, trying to get their hands on pervy
"Nights in
Bankok"!
It's ironic isn't it.
There's plenty of wailing
and
gnashing of teeth going on, but it's not happening in
church.
Eddie:
Richie:
you,
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
When did you last go to church?
Well I don't have to go - I'm Church of England.
What are
Eddie?
I don't know.
Well, what was your mother?
A wrestler.
Well, maybe that's enough general knowledge for one day.
[There is a knock at the door.]
Both:
Harrison:
Richie:
rentHarrison:
Richie:
to
Go away!
Hello, gentlemen.
Ooh, er, Mr Harrison.
Hello.
Look, erm, sorry about the
No, no.
er, er, the fact is the Krugerrand's just crashed so we had
move into junk bonds and we couldn't get them out of
Lichtenstein
Harrison:
Richie:
'til the end on the month.
No no, no no no.
I knew you'd understand.
[Richie closes the door.]
Close one.
[Another knock at the door.]
Harrison:
Richie:
Eddie:
Harrison:
Richie:
Harrison:
Come in. Oh, this is intolerable! Talk about ratmen!
Look, I'm not here for the rent.
Oh, great. Come in, sit down. Eddie, a cup of tea!
Oh, yes please.
Look, boys, you've got to help me, I'm in a dreadful fix. I
completely forgot about my stupid mother's bloody funeral!
Hhh! Is she dead?
Well let's hope so - bloody coffin cost me two hundred quid!
Cow! Anyway, I've got to go. Please could you run the shop
for
Richie:
frankly
me?
I'm sorry, Mr Harrison, but I have to confess to being
really rather shocked!
I mean, me... running shop... on a
Sunday
Harrison:
Richie:
Harrison:
show
Richie:
the
Eddie:
says
of all things. Absolutely not.
Fifty quid.
You're on.
Right away - I've got to be in Penge by noon.
you the ropes.
Ah, no no, I don't do lifting.
Come on, I'll
You'll have to show Eddie
ropes. Show me the till.
No no no no, show me the drinks cabinet and the sign that
"Closed".
Scene 2. The Shop.
------------------[Richie, Eddie and Mr Harrison come in from upstairs.]
Harrison:
Richie:
something
Harrison:
one for
Richie:
brown one
I don't know, just stick 'em in the bin, all this palaver...
Eh, Mr Harrison, have you got a sort of white coat or
so everyone knows I'm the shopkeeper?
Yeah, hang on, I'll get you one. Here y'are - and here's
you Eddie.
Oh, no no no no no no no, no, haven't you got a sort of
for him?
Or what about a little badge or something that
just
says "Assistant"?
What are you talking about? Look, I'm in a hurry!
All right, all right. Well, look Eddie, you'll just have to
Harrison:
Richie:
put
your jacket on back to front or something.
Piss off.
Oh don't kick up a stink Eddie, I know what I'm doing.
nothing personal. It's just that there is a sort of
Eddie:
Richie:
It's
"Upstairs
Downstairs" thing to any shopping experience, which the
shopper
needs to feel reassured about.
All right.
There. Now everybody knows who everybody is.
Everybody happy now?
Yes thank you.
Right, there's thirty pounds in change in the till, if you'd
Eddie:
Richie:
Harrison:
Richie:
Harrison:
just
sign there.
I'd better be off, see you later.
Two hundred
pound
for a coffin - and they set fire to the bastard!
This is a bit of all right, isn't it Eddie?
Yeah! Shame he hasn't got a video section.
It's a very dignified thing being a shopkeeper, don't you
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
think?
You know, there's power, integrity, snazzy coat...
[Richie opens the flap in the counter to go through. It crashes down on
the
crisps Eddie has just tipped out for himself with a crunch.]
Lordship.
Yeah. Yeah. "Morning." "Morning." "Morning your
Oh
yes, plenty of gravy mix, you help yourself. I'll just put
it on
the slate."
"Oi!
What do you think you're doing?
Shoplifting
eh sonny? Eh? Eh? Eh? What's the matter, haven't you got
enough money? So you thought you'd take it out on me, just
because I earn so much money?"
[He has been miming hitting someone and realises that the imaginary head
is
now some way from its body.]
Ooh, spurt, spurt...
[He puts the head back.]
"Only kidding little kiddie.
and
Go on, take your Jaffa Cakes
run along.
Go on, off you go.
Oh God, why did you make me
so
nice?
Has he gone?
Right."
[He mimes pulling up the aerial on a portable phone and dialling.]
Eeeep - bi-bo-bi-bo-bip. "Hello, police? I wanna report a
theft. Yeah, it was little Johnny Cartwright from the
flats.
Nail the sucker, bust his ass!
Yeah, I want him doing
twenty to
ten in the pen!
What d'you mean, no evidence?
What about
the
goddam Jaffa Cakes, asswipe!
Yeah, bullshit, bull-shit!
Yeah,
well I'm gonna get Mayor Dooley to-"
[A nice old lady has come into the shop and is watching.]
Old Lady:
What's the matter, are you mad?
[Richie advances on her with clenched fist.]
Richie:
it,
Do you want some of this?
you old git!
Do you?
'Cause you're gonna get
You're gonna get a right load of this right up
your
bracket!
Right load of this, right in your face!
[She runs out, crying.
Richie shouts after her.]
That's right, run, go on!
Argie! [To a passer-by.]
Just like you did at Goose Green!
Morning. [To himself.] Brrrr!
[To
Eddie.]
See? British shopkeeping Eddie, best in the world.
Yes,
yes.
Tuna, good.
We're a nation of shopkeepers, you know.
Oh
yes, ye-hh-hmm.
[He lifts the counter flap - it crushes Eddie's crisps again.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
how
That's what makes us so great, you know. They don't call it
"Great Luxembourg", do they? Hhhm? Or "Great France"?
What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers?
What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers?
Yes, what's so great about it?
Well it makes us superior to everyone else. Because we know
to run a corner shop.
Good grief Eddie, it only takes an
ounce
Eddie:
Richie:
of brainpower to see that.
Well that should suit you perfectly then.
How d'you mean, I don't understand that.
[Eddie reads his newspaper.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
to see
Gaw! The whole cast of Brookside are lesbians!
Yeah? British journalism Eddie, best in the world.
Bloody Nora! Neil Kinnock's grandparents were homosexual
Martians! He's kept quiet about that, hasn't he?
Hhhhm.
Lucky I read that, I was going to vote Labour.
Yeah. Another great British scoop, Eddie. Huh! I'd like
the Amsterdam Evening news dig up something like that.
Frogs.
Eddie:
Richie:
sort
Eddie:
you?
Richie:
hold
Hells teeth... You can get Aids from bicycling!
I know, I know. And isn't it funny that you only read that
of thing in a British newspaper?
Yeah, well, you don't read French or Italian newspapers, do
Well I don't speak French or Italian.
Good grief Eddie,
together a cogent argument why don't you?
holidays in the Al-gar-ve. Look at this.
Oh, here we go No electricity,
no
running water and fifteen hundred quid a month.
People pay
for
this.
South of France - we bloody invented it mate!
George
the
Third, he was the one. All that swimming business. And the
windbreak, who invented that? We did. The Brits. Never
mind
covering yourself in Mazola and lying around with a bit of
string
up your crack.
A quick dip in the briny, dig up a lugworm
and
back in the car before you get pneumonia. Yep, that's good
enough for me. Errgh, look at this. Thirty-eight quid
return
coach trip to Nice.
Nude beach.
[While Richie has been reading the paper, Mr Cooper has come into the
shop.]
Cooper:
Richie:
Cooper:
Richie:
all
Er, excuse me, I didn't get my paper this morning.
So? Not my problem. Should be more careful.
No, it wasn't delivered.
Oh, I get it. Trying to get a free paper, are we?
Spend
morning doing that and you could open up a little paper
shop,
Cooper:
paper
couldn't you?
Look, I don't know what your game is, but I didn't get my
delivered this morning!
Now I have the Mail on Sunday so if
I
Eddie:
Cooper:
Richie:
Cooper:
Richie:
pee"?
Cooper:
Richie:
could just take one now please?
No, that's the last copy.
Okay, I'll take that one.
Hang on, hang on! I'm reading that.
Yeah, but it's mine. Look, it's even got my name on it.
That's your name is it? "Fifty-five pee"? "Mr Fifty-five
No, my name is Cooper. Look, it's written in biro, in the
corner?
All right then Mr Cooper, there's your paper.
[Richie tears off the top of the front page and hands it to him.]
Cooper:
Richie:
Cooper:
Richie:
ask
Cooper:
Good morning.
Well where's the rest of it?
What d'you mean, "Where's the rest of it"?
I would like the rest of my paper.
Well then I suggest you go outside, knock, and come in and
for it nicely!
Right.
[He grabs Richie by the head and slams him down onto the counter. Richie
vanishes under the counter. Mr Cooper takes his paper and leaves.]
Eddie:
See you Eddie!
Yeah, bye John.
[Richie peers up from underneath the counter, checking to see if Mr
Cooper has
gone. He calls after him, carefully.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
nudie
Eddie:
twelve
Thug!
British thugs Richie, best in the world.
Damn! We should have written down the particulars of that
beach trip.
Well, there is a nudie beach in Brighton you know.
It's
pounds sixty-nine pence exactly on the Inter-City Saver, and
the
Richie:
Eddie:
twenty
Richie:
shop.
nipples are bigger.
Hm?
It's the cold wind.
They've got these telescopes you put
pence in. It's very discreet!
Hahhh! Let's go! H-no, no, no, no.
We've got to run the
That's what makes us British you see Eddie.
The average
Frog or
Brussels Sprout would be halfway down the A3 by now,
polishing up
his zoom lens and sticking bits of garlic up his bum.
us!
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
and I
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
to
Not
Well, not you maybe.
Eddie! Stand firm. Where were you at Agincourt?
I stayed on the bus, remember? With, em, Ethel Cardew.
Hmm, no, no, shut up, I wasn't talking about that.
Ahhh-haaw, that's why you don't like France!
I don't want to hear this.
You don't like France 'cause you've only ever had one bird,
shagged her. On the Christmas Club coach trip to Bruges.
Eddie, she was my fiancee.
Well she didn't know that.
Well I hadn't told her yet, had I? I was going to propose
her, but I wanted to make it romantic.
That's why I decided
to
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
The
Richie:
Customer:
Eddie:
Richie:
Customer:
fine
Richie:
get one
Customer:
Richie:
his
take her on a cultural tour of the battlefields of the Low
Countries.
Yeah, but I decided to come along, didn't I?
Yes.
I showed her the Low Countries all right. I showed her the
Nether Regions.
All right, all right.
They came at Bruges, they came at Agincourt... talk about
Battle of the Bulge!
Well I blame myself for being car-sick all over her.
H-hmm!
Blimey, it's all go today, isn't it?
And a very good morning to you sir, and how may I be of
assistance to you on this merry day?
And good morning to you. Now, assistant, what I'd like this
morningExcuse me, hang on, hang on, d-d-d-d-d-dddhh.
thing clear, shall we?
shopkeeper.
Is there a difference?
Is there a difference?
Let's just
I am not an assistant.
I am a
jacket on back to front!
I've got a white coat on, he's got
And that's just the tip of the
iceberg
mate!
So let's show a bit of respect, shall we?
would
Customer:
Richie:
Customer:
you like?
Ah, that champagne, please.
Hmm. Are you eighteen?
No, I'm fifty-four.
[Eddie slams a bottle of champagne down on the counter.]
I want three bottles.
Hm, what
Eddie:
Customer:
Richie:
three
What, are you an alcoholic?
It's my daughter's birthday!
Oh, it's his daughter's birthday, so he's going to drink
bottles of champagne.
Well there's modern parenthood for
you.
[Eddie slams the other two bottles down on the counter.]
Richie:
Customer:
Richie:
Is it- what do you think you're doing with that?
Ah, this is a... chequebook.
But this card only guarantees you for fifty pounds, and I'm
afraid these items cost more that fifty pounds. So I'm
terribly
sorry, you're going to have to[Eddie opens the drawer of the till. It hits Richie in the groin and he
vanishes under the counter, in pain.]
Eddie:
Hitler".
Customer:
Eddie:
Richie:
what
Customer:
Richie:
A cheque will do nicely, er, just make it out to "Eddie
"Hitler". Ha ha ha, any relation?
Yeees.
So this is you, is it? This sort of squiggle is you.
Well
do you do for a living, some sort of modern artist, are you?
I am a doctor. Now... bugger... orf!
Ooh, that's witty, isn't it? Took you five years of medical
school to learn that one, did it? On my money, let's not
forget
that!
Bloody students, you're all the same.
I don't know
why
you don't just go and live in Russia!
Go on, get out of my
shop!
Go on, bugger out of it!
Go on, on your bicycle!
Good
grief,
Eddie, sometimes I think there's only you and me left.
Eddie.
Eddie.
Eddie?
Eddie?
Eddie!
Eddie!
Eddie!
What do you
think
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
This is
you're doing?
I am gonna watch some cricket.
You can't do that! What about the shop?
I've had it with that shop-assisting lark, I resign.
Well you won't get your share of the money, you know.
Well, I'm all right mate, I've already got a cheque for
fifty-three quid.
You bastard!
Yep, that's me.
You're not going to get away with this, you, you miner!
Britain!
on
Do you hear me, Britain!
You're not allowed to go
strike any more, it's illegal!
And don't forget, I'm a
Mason.
Yeah.
I've only got to drop the nod to Scotland Yard and
this
place'll be full of armoured horses and tear-gas before you
can
Eddie:
too.
Richie:
little old
say "Vote Labour". What are you doing, Eddie?
Don't you worry Richie. You are going to watch the cricket
I am not.
I've got social responsibilities.
See this
lady... We shall not fail her. See her walking... See her
enormous son walking next to her... She looks like the one
I
threatened earlier...
See his mighty tattoos...
I think
he's
Voice:
gonna whack me...
That's the one!
[A fist comes in from off-screen and connects with Richie's face.]
Eddie:
Richie:
What's
Eddie:
having a
You were right.
Maybe watching the cricket would be a bit safer, Eddie.
the plan?
Well. We sit up on the roof, watching the cricket and
bit of a picnic.
Someone comes into the shop.
They open
the
Richie:
Eddie:
pal
door. The bell rings. We come down and serve them.
Sounds smashing. Come on, let's get out of here!
Righty-ho young Sonny Jim old fella-me-lad matey-skip me old
from the briny, let's fill up the picnic hamper!
[Richie holds the bag open.
Kipling
cakes into it.]
Eddie pushes a whole shelf-load of Mr
Scene 3. The Roof.
------------------[Eddie and Richie are sitting on deck-chairs on the roof. Eddie is
looking
through a pair of binoculars, Richie through an elderly telescope.]
Eddie:
hang on,
Here he comes...
here he comes... and he's out!
no, he's back in again.
Oh!
No, no
She's closed the curtains.
How's
Richie:
very
the cricket going?
Well, it... still hasn't started yet...
big, aren't they?
Those stumps are
Eddie:
over
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Let's have a look...
That's the rugby ground.
Cricket's
there.
Oh. Oh yes! Ah ha ha ha haaarh. Ahhhrh.
What's going on?
They've broken for lunch. Do do do do...
Why're you putting mayonnaise on your face?
It's not mayonnaise, it's sun tan lotion.
Never heard of low calorie sun tan lotion.
What? Oh no, blast! Oh God! Oh, argh-rrgh! Phuh!
where's the sun tan lotion then?
You squirted that into your cheese roll.
But I ate that!
Yeah, I know.
Well why didn't you tell me?
Because I don't like you very much.
Harrrhhh! Now I know you're joking me! Ha ha!
Well
[Eddie shakes his head.]
Hahh, this is the life, isn't it?
[An aeroplane flies by overhead.]
Hahhh...
I should have been a farmer you know.
I really am
an
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
going
Eddie:
Richie:
the
earth child. I know the deep movement.
Only deep movement you know is when you've had a curry.
I am part Red Indian, you know.
That'll be the curry again.
No, I am. Cherokee. D'you know, I can even tell when it's
to rain.
How d'you do that?
Well, I sort of - look up, mystically, you know - check out
sky.
"rain".
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
might
Eddie:
whatever
Richie:
Eddie:
five
Richie:
do.
If I see any black clouds, "That's it", I think,
What was your Red Indian name then? Running Mouth? Sitting
Down? Talking Bollocks?
Dances With The Wind.
That'll be the curry again.
Look, I'd advise you to take me seriously, young man, or I
very well make it rain.
Well that'll be good. Go on then, Breezy Trousers or
your name is, go on, make it rain.
Eddie, you don't dabble with the deep forces.
Look, there's not a cloud in the sky, I'll give you twentyquid if you can make it rain.
You're on! Right, I shall need a tomohawk.
Er, oh this'll
[He picks up a spatula and gives if a few practice swings]
No, that's good actually.
Right, now this may not work
properly
Eddie, I'm used to working in moccasins. Right, put up your
brolly, this is gonna be a big one! Hwyooo[Richie starts his dance.
up.]
Oh Jesus!
His jeans pinch him painfully and he doubles
Ooh!
Ah, hah...
Hom-alla-pathion, om-alla-
pathion,
om-alla-pathion, oompah - rain!
[A seagull squawks overhead and splatters Richie's face.]
It worked!
Look, Eddie, it- urgh, bloody hell!
Oh, God!
Oh, I
Eddie:
Richie:
Big
must have used the wrong chant.
What are you going to do now then, bring down a typhoon of
buffalo dung?
I'd advise you to take me seriously mate, or I'll invoke the
Spirit, he doesn't mess around!
Eddie:
Aw, pull the other one mate, it's got bells on!
[There is a ring and then a clonk from downstairs.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
How d'you do that?
Mystical forces Eddie, mystical forces.
Rubbish! It's the shop, we've got a customer.
Eddie?
Yeah?
Careful with that step.
What step- warrgh-arrgh!
[Eddie vanishes down the trap-door. There is a clatter below. Richie
takes
the cricket bat that is propping open the trap-door. The lid of the
trap-door
slams closed. Richie uses the cricket bat to prop up Eddie's deckchair.]
Richie:
Ha ha ha ha ha... Eddie! I've got a lovely chair for you!
Eddie? Maybe he's not coming up?
[Richie tries to open the trap-door lid but it won't come up.]
Eddie!
Hah!
Eddie!
I'm stuck on the roof Eddie!
I'm
trapped,
I can't open it from out here!
Eddie, Mayday, Mayday!
[Eddie pushes the lid open; it catches Richie on the nose with a crunch.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Hoh!
You okay, Richie?
I think I've broken my nose.
Oh, come on, you'd better have a sit-down then.
Hoh, thanks mate.
[Eddie guides Richie to his chair; Richie sits down and it collapses.]
Eddie:
happened
Richie:
Eddie:
Just
Oh, my back!
Well, you're lucky mate!
You should see what's just
downstairs.
Why, who was it?
Well that's the strange thing - there was no-one there.
this bloke lying in the doorway with a bell in the back of
his
Richie:
Eddie:
head.
Did you put the bell back up?
Certainly did mate!
[Another tinkle-clonk-yelp from below.]
Richie:
broken my
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
too
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Another customer. Your turn.
Oh, er, be an angel Eddie, I've smashed my face in and
back. I don't think I could handle three flights.
Three quid.
Two pound fifty.
Six quid.
Oh - you're on, you're on. Doesn't do to haggle with Eddie
long. Ahh, ahh, Eddie?
Yeah?
Be careful with that step.
Right- warrgh!
[Eddie vanishes down the trap-door again. Richie props the trapdoor lid
with
the cricket bat and looks around for some string. He finds some tying
the
drainpipe to the railing. He ties one end to the cricket bat.]
Richie:
some
Ta-ta-ta...
Ha ha ha!
Tie the string here... so.
Oh, need
bait. What does Eddie like best? A pickled onion sandwich!
Right. There. Ha ha ha ha. Perfect. Eddie, oh Eddie!
I've
made your favourite, a pickled onion sandwich!
Right.
hide
here.
pickled
Eddie comes up, sees the sandwich, says "Ah, a
I
onion sandwich, my favourite."
I pull the string, cricket
bat
comes out, whack!
Eddie gets the full force of the trapdoor
in
the back of the head.
Nothing can go wrong.
[Eddie comes up, sees the sandwich, takes it over to his chair and sits
down.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Oohh. Great, a pickled onion sandwich, my favourite.
Right, get a load of this, you bastard!
[Richie pulls the string and the lid slams shut.]
Aha, got you!
Eddie, you stupid idiot!
You let the trap-
door
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
shut, we're stuck on the roof now!
Well how's that my fault?
Well you were supposed to stop it with your head.
I didn't know anything about this.
Well of course you didn't, it was a surprise, it was a joke.
But that would have hurt, wouldn't it?
Exactly, that's what was so funny about it!
[Eddie rolls up his fingers into a fist and advances towards Richie.]
Don't you dare.
[Tinkle-clonk-scream from below again.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
bet
Eddie:
flat.
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Another customer.
But we're stuck on the roof Eddie!
Well, what about the fire escape?
No good. It collapsed, remember, when Tubs Lardy won that
that it wouldn't hold his weight.
Hah, yeah, I remember, shocking mess.
That dustbin's still
I know, and the cat's still in it. You can hear it when you
shake it about.
Well what are we going to do about this customer?
Well, perhaps you should shout down and tell him that some
bald-headed looney-tune has trapped us on the roof for ever,
so
we're probably unlikely to be popping down to serve him
today!
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
the
No, that's not going to work.
Why not?
'Cause he's lying on the pavement unconscious with a bell in
back of his head.
Oh, hang on, hang on - someone's coming
to
help him.
wallet.
Oh no they're not, no, they're just nicking his
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
couldn't
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Pants?
Richie:
it's
Eddie:
your
Have they got his wedding ring yet?
Ooh, not yet.
Well, come on, let's get down there! You know what vultures
they're like round here.
Look, we cannot get off the roof!
Oh don't be ridiculous, there must be some way. Well,
we make a parachute out of your trousers?
Well, we could make an aircraft hangar out of yours!
Don't you start calling me Mister Wobblybottom, young lad!
And why not, Mister Two Planets Colliding In A Pair Of
Well you're a fine one to talk - every time you bend over
like watching two zeppelins having it off!
Look, this is no time for a discussion about the vastness of
bottom.
We have got to get off the roof, you madman!
The
people
Richie:
back
are looting the shop! They are! They're looting the shop!
What? You put those Frosties back immediately! You bring
that Dream Topping!
I'm writing all this down you know, I
know
who you are!
And once I've found out your names you'll all
be
for the high jump!
That's it Eddie, jump!
Why don't you
jump?
Go on, it's only you!
You'd be doing a service.
You might
even
Eddie:
Richie:
in the
Eddie:
Richie:
they
get the George Cross.
I might get two broken legs.
The drainpipe! I'm a genius!
Look, it's staring us right
face. Go on, off you go old mate.
No no, why don't you go?
Ah, because I've got mayonnaise all over my face, what would
think, ha ha?
You bring those shelves back!
This is
getting
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
serious. This is going to cost us a fortune.
Money?
Yeah, we're going to have to pay for all of this.
Right, I'm on my way.
[Eddie climbs over the rail and clings onto the drainpipe.]
Richie:
Ooh, I forgot about the string.
[The drainpipe starts to lean away from the wall.]
Eddie:
Richie:
What string?
The string that holds everything.. onto.. the.. edge..
[Eddie vanishes from view as the drainpipe continues to lean out
further.]
Eddie, are you all right?
Is the car?
That's it, now fight
off
all the looters.
Yeah, get the big one with the tattoos.
No,
you're supposed to hit him!
Look, forget it, just come
inside
and lock the doors of the shop, and come up here and get me
off
this bloody roof!
[Eddie fights his way through the door and forces it closed.]
Voice:
Eddie:
Richie:
Why
Thrust him in the goolies!
And stay out! I'm coming Richie!
That's the last time I'm coming up on this wretched roof.
can I never remember the old maxim: "If you want to have a
good
Eddie:
time - forget it."
Taraa!
[The trap-door lid slams shut behind Eddie. It starts to thunder and
rain.
Richie looks at Eddie, looks at his hand, folds his fingers into a fist
and
starts to advance towards him. He catches up with him at the edge of the
roof
and lets fly an enormous punch. Eddie flies over the railing; the screen
freezes, the titles roll.]
Transcription 1992 James Kew <j.kew@ic.ac.uk>